Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 2, Episode 5 - Clum Babies - full transcript

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Housemates, report
to the pool area.

Each week, the producers
give us a challenge

to win a week's worth of food.

This week, they filled the
pool with barnyard animals.

[MOOING, BLEATING, OINKING]

Any of god's creatures
that we saved from drowning

would be slaughtered
for a spectacular feast.

[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]

[QUACK QUACK]

Hey back off! Get
your own damn soup!

[GLASS BREAKING]



What the hell was that?

[ANIMALS CRYING]

[GASPS]

Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh!

Wooldoor Sockbat,

what on god's great white earth

are you doing?

Can't... stop... humping.

Har har har har!

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

Oh, so it's fine
when you say it.

Aaaaah! Ooooh!

Eeeeeee! Aaah!

The reason Wooldoor
here is so horny



is 'cause he's
finally hit puberty.

Mazel tov.

Unh! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Unh! I... Can't...
Get... Relief.

Oh, sweetie, if you want relief,

all you need is a
little pud play.

A little wha...?

You know, "rub one out,"

"choke the chicken,"

"goin' number 3."

I'm saying you
need to masturbate.

But isn't masturbation
a sickening,

indefensible sin against god?

Princess, please.

Masturbation is fun and natural,

not to mention it's a
great way to earn 5 bucks

without touching a guy.

You have an answer for
everything, don't you?

Yup. 'Cept for math.

Please, Foxxy,

teach me how to, uh, mas...
Turbate.

Fine, go ahead.

But I promise you this.

You will all go to hell.

Hell, I tells ya.

Hell!

Huh?

'Ey!

Whoa, Ling-Ling, lookin' good!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

"P... lerr."

Ling-Ling's going
out clubbing again.

That's where he sneaks
out to every night.

Hmm, that's odd.

I'm always hitting the
hottest clubs in town,

and I never see Ling-Ling.

[SLURPING]

Hey, Ling-Ling, what's up?

If it's... Would it be cool...

Could we go to the club
with you, Ling-Ling?

Oh, please, please, please.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Whoopee! Goody! Goody! Whoo!

FOXXY: I decided to
take it upon myself

to show Wooldoor how to get
it on with his bad-self.

And all you horny college kids

now would be a real good
time to hit them lights.

Grab some lotion and pull
out a big ol' box of tissues.

First, Foxxy sets the mood.

[JAZZ PLAYING]

Now, before I gets
my engine running,

I pops the hood.

Hunh! And then...

Foxxy starts going to town.

Oh, you want to
party, too, do you?

Sure thing, baby.

There's enough room
down here for everybody.

"Enough room...

For everybody."

Oh, yeah,

and sometimes a little
exotic food play

spices things up.

[SIZZLING]

Ooh, yeah, that's
finger-fucking good.

Keep it going.

And sometimes the
Foxxy lose herself

in a little
role-playing fantasy.

Oh, yeah, frank,
that's the spot!

And then, Foxxy
brings it all home

by using a little bit of force.

Ohh! Ohh! Oh, jeez!

That's it, daddy!

Almost there!

You got me! Here, daddy!

Almost there!

Here I come!

Lalalalalalalalala!

[EXPLOSION]

And that is how the
Foxxy masturbates.

[WHIMPERING]

[TECHNO PLAYING]

The club was jumping, jumping!

And Ling-Ling was
surrounded by babes.

But somehow we got
stuck hanging out

with Ling-Ling's lame friend
Steve from long island.

What's the deal with Ling-Ling?

He's got these beautiful
babes all over him,

and it's like he
could care less.

Let's just say my boy likes
a bit more of a challenge.

Yo, check it.

Hmm.

Huh.

Hyah!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Hee!

Hunh!

Aah! Unh! Eww!

Hyah!

Aaaaaah!

Ha! Yo, I-dog is the man.

Eeeee-aah!

Hyah! Aaah!

Wooldoor went to his room

to figure hisself out.

As it turned out,

Sockbat masturbation was
a lot more complicated

than I expected.

I can do it!

I can finally do it!

Watch!

[HUMMING]

[DOINK]

[JIGGLE-JIGGLE]

D'oy!

[HUMMING]

Aah!

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

[BELL DINGS]

Bleh-ah...

[PURRING]

I present to you
ALL: My clum baby.

[THEME FROM LION KING PLAYING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[JAPANESE ACCENT] Ohh, last
night's battle was amazing.

What are you thinking about?

Ohh! I thought you
were different.

Screw you!

[BEEP]

WOMAN: Hey, Ling-Ling,
it's me, pay-ling.

The hideous one-eyed
battle monster.

You never call me back.

SECOND WOMAN: Remember
me, Ling-Ling?

You battle me and my sister
at the Belmont rounds.

[BEEP]

MAN: Hello, number one son.

[GASPS] Father!

Your mother and I know you
have enjoyed the bachelor life,

but now it time to be
with one opponent forever.

We have arranged battle for you.

But nothing!

It is ling tradition!

Do not bring more
shame to our family.

Yoko Ono!

[BELL DINGS]

Ahh... This feels so good.

Now I know why Captain Hero does it
all over the pool table late at night

when he thinks no
one is watching.

[SQUISH]

[BOOM] Ah-ah-ah ah!

That will be enough of that.

Look out! She's got a gun!

Aah!

I knew Wooldoor
wouldn't listen to me,

so I brought a friend who
might be a bit more convincing.

Ah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!!

Oh, poor him. That sucks.

And it need not to have happened

but for this boy's sick obsession
with the sin of masturbation.

Holy shit!

Unless something
unexpectedly magical happens,

I guess I'll give up
masturbation forever.

[PURRING] Uh! What is that? Hey!

[BZZZZ... REOWRR]

Oh...

Oh, my god!

[BEETHOVEN'S ODE TO JOY PLAYS] I can see!
My palms...

They're bare! I'm cured!

Hmm! What shall I do first?

Ooh! I know!

[PANTING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[BOY GRUNTS, STRUGGLES, GASPS]

Whoa, Wooldoor's clum
can cure disease.

[KA-CHING]

Folks would pay a pretty
penny for this junk.

[KA-CHING]

So, we goin' out tonight for a
little dancin', a little romancin'?

We gots to bounce before
Ling-Ling's arranged battle arrives.

Herr-o, preez,

I here see Mr.
Wring-wring, preez.

I bring him arranged battle.

[ZOINK]

FOXXY: Spanky and I
convinced Wooldoor

to use his magical clum
babies to help those in need.

Foxxy was gonna finally
fulfil her dream

of buyin' a million dollars
worth of lotto tickets.

When is mutant semen worth $273?

When it works.

Can it cure the alzheimer's?

Go ahead, Dr. Clum, baby.

[HUMMING]

[DOINK]

[JIGGLE-JIGGLE]

D'oy!

[HUMMING]

Aah!

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

[BELL DINGS]

Bleh-ah...

Hock... pooh!

[BZZZZ... REOWRR]

[BEETHOVEN'S ODE TO JOY
PLAYS] Oh, my god! It works!

It works! I can
remember everything:

My wife Celia died 5 years ago,

I live all alone in an
abusive nursing home,

and no one has visited
me or bathed me in years.

It's a miracle. It's a miracle!

Oh, my god! It works!

Give me some! Clum all over me!

Eeyah! Peter cetera:
♪ I am a man ♪

♪ Who will fight
for your honour ♪

♪ I'll be the hero
that you're... ♪

[PANTING] [PANTING]

♪ Dreaming of ♪

[SQUEAK, SQUEAK...]

PRINCESS CLARA:
This was madness...

Sacrificing potential lives
to save existing ones?

Hallelujah! My crutches
don't squeak anymore.

Don't worry, Jesus.

I will put an end
to this blasphemy

before it saves the lives
of countless millions!

[BOOM]

[BOOM]

Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey!

What are you doing here?

I'd like you to
meet my new friends.

Oh, my god!

The veggie fables!

I love your religious propaganda

clumsily disguised as
children's entertainment.

We're gonna give you all
to the count of jo 3:16

to stop this
abomination or else!

You tell 'em, bob the cucumber.
Eh-hyooh!

Thank you, Larry the tomato.

You wanna dance?

Hyah! [CRASH]

I'll dance.

We're not here to fight.

We're here to sing!

[PIANO PLAYS INTRO]

♪ God is watching
everything you do ♪

♪ When you get undressed
or take a shower ♪

♪ When you touch yourself
for hour after hour ♪

♪ God is watching
everything you do ♪

♪ And he thinks you're a
nasty, naughty, nympho slut ♪

♪ You sinful, filthy whore,
you're going to hell ♪

♪ Your flesh will burn,
your bones will char ♪

♪ Your soul will
be torn asunder ♪

Aah! ♪ You'll have to
hear the heretics ♪

♪ Burn in hell ♪

For eternity!

So you better remember!

♪ God is watching
everything you do ♪

I'll never masturbate again.
I don't wanna go to hell!

I quit! Aah-ha ah! Uhh...

[BELL TOLLS] I was
having a great time

with Clara and my new
friends, the veggie fables.

We rapped about Jesus and played fun
games they all knew from bible camp.

I'm sorry for thinking
impure thoughts.

[WHACK] Argh!

I'm sorry for being so phallic.

[WHACK] Ow.

I'm sorry for buying child slaves
from third world countries.

[WHACK] Ah!!

CHOIR: ♪ hallelujah... ♪ Free!

I said, "I'm sorry,"
not "stop dusting."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh-hoo.

I'm sorry I masturbated.

[WHACK] Aah!

And I'm sorry I help people.
[WHACK] Ah!

And I'm sorry I spy on Clara
going potty every morning.

What?! That's disgusting.

Oh, you're one to talk,
princess smell-your-wipes.

[WHACK] Ack!

All was right with the world.

Wooldoor was
repenting for his...

[COUGHING]

Oh, my, is this... Blood?

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]

[SNIFFING]

[MUSICAL STING]

What is it?

I tell you, I have a headache.

Fine. We battle...
But make it quick.

Hyah!

Oh, Ling-Ling, you are
such a big battle man.

You're killing me so good.

Oh, my god! I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.

Oop! I just died.

Wow. That was the
best battle ever.

Ahh...

FOXXY: With Wooldoor gone,

the miracle fountain
of spew had run dry.

Sorry, folks. We're
closed for business.

You don't have to die at home,

but you can't die here.

[COUGHING]

Oh, it's you, Clara.
What you want?

I am not Clara. I am but a stranger.
[COUGHING]

How can that be Clara?

Clara doesn't have a moustache.

I am here because I
have the consumption.

Surely you have
one clum baby left.

I'm sorry, but we're
completely dry, mister.

Please! [HACK]

I don't want [HACK]
to die [HACK]

So ironically.

You were right, Foxxy.
It is Clara.

And she's so sick her
moustache fell off.

What should we do?

Ah!

What you say, ring-ring?

You no want to
battle me no more?

Ahh... no, ring-ring.
I feel it, too.

There are no spark
when we battle.

I have a crazy thought.

Now, bear with me...

What if instead of battle,

we just fuck.

Sure. Reawwrrr!

Mm! Mm!

♪ I am man who will
fight for your ♪

Clara had ignored the terrible suffering
of the countless sick and dying,

and part of Foxxy knew she
deserved the consumption,

but the frosty side of
me told me I had to help.

[BELL TOLLS]

Buh-guh... eh!

Ahh...

What? What are you doing?
Where am I?

You've been brainwashed

by some religious vegetables.

Oh, and Clara need a clum baby.

I can't do it. I won't do it.

Oh, I think you will.

Ahh...

Those Sockbats...
They've gone wild...

Volume 4.

God no likee. God no likee!

Oh... but they're
showing their boobies

'cause they're so drunk.

Ah-ah-ah ooh... grandma?!

Ooh-ooh-ooh! Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh! Oh...

[DING]

Bleh!

[PURRING]

Where am I?

Is that... A clum baby?

It is! It is a clum baby!

Clara, stop!

You mustn't use one of those.

God forbids it!÷

god damn it!

What's the point of having a
secret deep programming room

if everybody know where it is?

Clara, please put
the clum baby down.

But she's dying. She needs it.

[COUGHING]

I don't know what to do.

I have the consumption.

Then god wants you to
have the consumption.

That's just retarded.

What if god created clum babies

because he wants Clara to live?

But the bible says...

Yeah, yeah. The bible
says a lot of things...

And not very clearly.

We ain't sayin' your
interpretation is wrong,

but perhaps the bible
isn't a set of strict rules

but rather a guide
to help each of us

to find our personal
relationship with the lord.

I never thought of it that way.

I guess that is possible.

Enough fucking talk!

In the name of god,

put that fucking clum baby down!

But... but...

Eh! But... but... but!

Aah! Jesus god!

Uhh!

This wasn't part of the plan.

We agreed no one would get hurt.
Uh.

Holy shit

bob the cucumber's gone crazy!!

Is this crazy?!

No, please!

Eh!

Aah!

Pasta faz... Ooh. Eh.

What the...

Uhh!

He thought I was fat... [AAH]

And guys aren't into real...
What the hell... aah!

Ooh-ah!

Aah! Ah.

[HUMMING] Huh?

Hmm?

Oh!

[GUNSHOTS] Aaaah!

[CLICK]

Please, don't kill me!
I don't want to die.

Don't be scared, Wooldoor.

I saved them all
from going to hell,

and now, I will
save your soul, too.

Oh... eh eh-eh-eh-eh!

[PURRING]

Aah!

Get off me! Get off me!

[BZZZZ... REOWRR]

I'm cured.

The clum babies have
cured me of my psychosis.

I no longer cling to the comforting
belief in an all-knowing power.

Oh, dear. Did I do this?

What have I done?!

I thought I was
doing god's work!

No! No!

I'm a monster. I
can't live with this.

[GUNSHOT]

So god killed everyone...

The good guys...

The bad guys...

And even Steve
from long island...

But not me.

And I know why.

With everyone else gone,

I can finally enjoy masturbating
the way he intended...

By myself.

[PURRING]

[BZZZ-REOWR... ]

No, no. Don't bring them
back, little friend, not yet.

[DING]

[PURRING]

[DOINK]

Oh, yeah.

That's the stuff.

[RUBBING]

[DOINK]

[RUBBING FASTER]

[PLOP]

[SQUISHING]

[CRACK]

[JIGGLE-JIGGLE]

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! [RUMBLING]

[BELL RINGS] Ooh! Ehhh-eh!