Dinosaurs (1991–1994): Season 1, Episode 3 - Hurling Day - full transcript

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Honey, I'm home.

Today, I, your eldest elder, am, uh...

You're 72.

Seventy-two years old.

I've lived long
and witnessed many wonders.

But now I am old.
I am slow.

And I get up 16 times
in the middle of the night.

I can no longer
keep up with the herd.

I straggle behind,
attracting predators,

endangering my brethren
and making us late for everything.

Don't act like
you haven't noticed.



Therefore, I wish to be hurled
from the highest cliff

into a tar pit.

- [clapping]
- [all] Ooh!

- But before I go...
- Here it comes.

...now decree that
from this day forward,

all dinosaurs,

upon reaching their, uh...

Oh, 72nd birthday,

shall be hurled into a tar pit,

and this day
shall be known as...

...Hurling Day.

And so that this tradition
remains holy and solemn,

each dinosaur shall be
hurled by a loving relative.

Uh, excuse me.



Yes, in the back.

Uh, so this won't
be a total loss,

could you make it that guys get
to hurl their mother-in-laws?

Sure, why not?

Hurling Day!
Hurling Day!

[laughing] One more day
till Hurling Day!

One more day
till 1 throw your mother

over the cliff
and into the pit.

Earl, it's supposed to be
a solemn and holy day.

No. That's tomorrow.

Today's a day of saying,
"Yipee, yipee!"

After 20 years
of your mother on my back,

I get to haul her to
the top of the mountain

and fling her bony butt
to oblivion,

solemnly and with dignity,
of course.

[snickering]

Earl, this is Mother's big day.

Now, she's depending on you to throw
her in that nice section of the pit

where there's shade,
next to her old friends, the Rosenfelds.

Oh, yeah,
I'll do what I can,

as long as she agrees
to sink quickly. [laughing]

Hey, there's my little guy.

Want to give Daddy a kiss?

Not the mama,
not the mama, not the mama,

not the mama,
not the mama!

That is starting
to bother me.

[laughing]

Hey, guys,
Grandma's in the paper.

Let me see.

Give it here, Robbie.

Ah...

"Marriages, births, dismemberments,
large bites, hurlings."

Here it is! "Ethyl Phillips, wife of...
blah, blah, blah,

mother of... blah, blah, blah,
grandmother of... blah, blah, blah..."

Oh! Listen!

"...to be hurled into the ooze

by her loving
son-in-law, Earl Sinclair."

God, I love being a dinosaur!

So, what do you think
it's like in the tar, anyway?

In the tar?
You mean, actually in the tar?

[Robbie] Yeah.

Well... duh...

I'd have to say that it's dark,
it's peaceful, it's quiet.

No one really knows, son.

But we'll all find out
when our time comes.

- I gotta get to work. Thanks, honey.
- Bye, dear.

Tell him to stop asking
such depressing questions.

Your grandmother's been looking forward
to this day for a long time.

She's going to be reunited
with Grandpa Louie.

I thought Grandpa
went on a cruise.

You bought that?

Robbie.

Charlene, until now,
you've been too young to understand.

But I think you're emotionally
mature enough now to know the truth.

Oh.

When dinosaurs turn 72,
they're thrown into a tar pit.

Oh.

Does this outfit
make me look fat?

And I want you
to think of the tar pit

as a wonderful place

where you'll want
to spend eternity.

Oh, I get it.
Just like the Galleria.

Yeah.

Hah.

- [news theme on TV]
- Oh. [giggling]

Hi, baby.

Shh! Look!

Well, I always felt
{ was was an herbivore

trapped in
a carnivore's body.

Cross-eaters, today at four on Raptile.

- What's that all about?
- Eat.

[humming]

Hey there, pally boy,

ready to give the mother-in-law
the old heave-ho?

Roy, please.

Fran's mother and I may have had
our differences for 20 years,

but I take no joy
in what I do tomorrow.

Huh?

[both laughing]

Hey, look at this.
Roy, Roy, look.

- Take a look at these beauties.
- Oh, snatch me baldheaded.

Genuine mother-in-law
pterodactyl-skin hurling gloves!

Yeah, my father gave them
to me on my wedding day.

- Look. Non-skid grip.
- Oh.

These old babies have
thrown a lot of old ladies.

- Yep.
- [male] Hey, Earl!

Hey, tomorrow's
the big day, huh?

Yeah.
How do you feel?

I mean, any thoughts
in these final hours?

Well, I just hope that when my turn
comes to go into the tar,

those who knew me
will lift a glass and say,

"Earl Sinclair,
no genius, no big shot,

but did you see the loft
he got on his mother-in-law?"

[all laughing]

Hey, Earl, we just
want you to know

tomorrow you're going
out there for all of us.

Yeah, and remember,

lift with your knees.

Guys.

Times like this,

a guy feels
very close to his buddies.

- We feel close to you.
- Yeah, we do.

Sinclair, in here now!

[all screaming]

Aah! Oh!

You sent for me,
my captain?

Sinclair, I am a great
and powerful dinosaur,

and you... well,
you're a puny nothing.

Thank you, sir.

Because of my position
and social standing,

I can say
whatever I want to you,

and you have
to flatter me in return!

That's a keen and
brilliant observation, sir.

But tradition gives us
one great equalizer:

Hurling Day.

One day, regardless
of our station in life,

when the lowest
of the low

can stand shoulder
to shoulder

with the highest
of the high.

- So drink, Sinclair?
- Wow!

I'm overwhelmed by your
sudden lack of cruelty.

Well, uh...

...uh, here.

- Nice gloves.
- Mmm.

Thank you, sir.
They were given to me by...

- I'm speaking.
- Yes, sir.

It's been almost 30 years

since I tossed
Mother Wilkerson into the goo.

That look on her face as
she spiraled out of sight...

Ahh.

Ahh. Aah!

My, it's sad
how the memories fade.

Good thing I got it on VHS.

- [chuckles]
- Ooh.

[gasping]

[female screaming]

- Nice trajectory, sir.
- Damn right.

The moment goes by
so quickly, my captain.

Well, not on slo-mo.

- Ha!
- [Earl laughing]

[rewinding]

[Richfield ] Whoop, there she goes.

[Earl] Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

[both laughing]

Oh, this is...
this is so inspiring.

It better be because
tomorrow's your day, Sinclair,

and no one can
take it away from you,

or I would've!

But remember,
after tomorrow...

Lowest of the low?

For the rest of your life.

So savor the moment,
Sinclair.

It's the only one
you're ever going to get.

[rumbling]

Don't screw it up!

Yes, sir... ho, sir.

Uh... door.

Aah!

Yep, she's in the tar!

Nice hang time, pally boy.

I can do better.

I've got to work
on my follow-through.

Has anybody ever climbed
back out of the tar pit?

No, son, once you're in,
you're in.

Give me another mother-in-law.

Yeah. Ready!

Set, throw!

[groans]

[thud]

Uh, Dad, when Grandma
goes into the tar pit,

is there life after that?

For me, there is.

You're losing elevation.

Robbie, you're breaking
my concentration.

What do I say when she comes over
for this birthday dinner?

Goodbye, good luck,
sorry you're being tossed off a cliff?

[sighs] Let me explain this to you.

She's lived her life.
She has laid her eggs.

It is time for her to move on.

Now, you want dinner conversation,

ask her to tell you
about how useless she is.

- [doorbell]
- [Fran] Earl, Mother's here.

Not for long.

- [laughing] Yeah
- Oh! .

Mother, you look terrific.

Thank you, sweetheart.
I had my scales done for the occasion.

Yeah, yeah.

Mom, tomorrow's the big day.

Yeah, the biggest.

I'm so excited,
I feel like a schoolgirl.

Charlene, sweetheart,
pour me a Scotch, will you?

OK. ♪ La la la la la

- There's a good girl.
- [Robbie] Hi, Gram.

There he is,
Robbie, my baby.

Come here, let your grandma
give you five kisses.

[smooching]

You must be beating
girls off with a stick.

Oh, well...

Here's $5.

Aw, thanks, Grandma.

Come on, Mom,
you're gonna spoil him.

Indulge me, Fran.

What am I saving it for?

Grandma, what's this
worth to you?

Oh, wow, $100.

- And five kisses.
- Oh!

That's for college.

I'm not going to college

unless I have
something to wear!

[gasps]

It's the baby.

It's the grandma!
Uh-oh.

Hello, Mother Phillips.

Hello, fat boy.

Hello, you vicious old...

Earl Snead Sinclair!

Oh, God.
My whole name.

I'm asking for peace
for one night.

- But she...
- One night.

Twelve hours, and she's
out of your life forever.

- But, Frannie...
- Don't respond to her.

I do not want you
to open your mouth.

She provokes me!

Close your mouth
and don't let her provoke you.

- I am the mighty mega...
- Close it!

[grumbling]

Hello, fat boy.

[laughing]

You see that?

Oh, Mother.
Come here, sweetheart.

Up we go, there.

You and I have had
a lot of tough times, Earl.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

Jeez, Ethyl, you mean it,
you're sorry?

Yeah, I'm sorry
you married my daughter,

and I'm sorry she has to live
in a cold, drafty hole

on the wrong side of the swamp

with a guy who was a tree
pusher 20 years ago,

and today is, surprise,
still a tree pusher.

- Frannie!
- Mother.

- I said I'm sorry.
- Let's go, old lady.

We're going over
the cliff right now!

Dinner? Would anyone
like dinner?

Only if it's fattening.

Eat all you want.
You'll be worth the hernia.

And I want you
to have this.

It's a seashell necklace
your grandfather gave me

on our tenth anniversary.

Wow! Hey, there's a bite
taken out of it here.

It was a wild night.
Don't ask.

Thanks for the great stuff, Grandma.

You know, you've lived
such a fascinating life.

Well, I'm bored
out of my mind.

I'll see you tomorrow, Ethyl.

[laughing]

It is getting late.

We should go to sleep.

- [Fran] Good night.
- [Charlene] Good night.

[smooching]

[Fran] Is there anything
I can get you?

Yeah, get a divorce
and marry someone else.

There's still 12 hours left.

Good night, Mother.

Mary Ellen Sworkinson's
daughter married a podiatrist

four hours before she got hurled.

She went into the tar
a happy dinosaur,

hurled by a professional.

Oh.

Hmm.

What's the matter, sweetheart?
Not tired?

Aren't you worried about what's
gonna happen to you tomorrow?

I'm looking forward to it.

I miss my Louie.

You don't remember
your grandpa, do you?

You were very young
when he was hurled.

Aw. See that?

That's you on your
Grandpa Louie's back,

hitting him on the head with a pot.

Wow.
Is this me and you?

Yeah. Look, I had all my spikes.

This is when you
visited me at camp.

Your Grandpa Louie
was such a fisherman.

He could stick his head
in the water,

come up with tuna fish,
grouper, you name it.

Oh. A letter I wrote you.

[clears throat] It says, "Dear Grandma,
how are you? I am good.

It is good here at camp.
The food is good.

I hope you're good too.

Love, Robbie Sinclair."

Yeah, yeah,
you always wrote me.

Grandma, I don't want
you to go in the tar tomorrow.

Hey, I've lived a long life.
I've earned this.

But I don't want you to go.

You're a young,
sweet kid, Robbie,

and you don't really
know anything yet.

I know. I know, you're right.

Hurling's been around a million years,
and I've been around 14 years.

So I can hardly believe
I'm gonna do this.

- Let's go.
- What are you gonna do?

Come on,
we're getting out of here.

[groaning]

[Earl] Rise and shine, Ethyl.
Rise and shine!

Today's the last day
of the rest of your life.

I'm wearing my brand-new
silk Hurling Day tie.

Ethyl?

Ethyl?

Ethyl?

Ethyl!

Fran!

Robert, stop this.
It's dangerous out this early.

Everything's hungry.

No, I'm not letting them
throw you in the tar pit.

- There's just no reason for it.
- There is, dear.

It's a time-honored tradition started by
a wise old dinosaur named Bob La Brea.

- [snapping]
- What's that?

- Hide yourself.
- Uh...uh...

- Robbie, don't be a stupid kid!
- Come on, Grandma.

Forget about me.
Hide yourself.

Forget about me.
Hide yourself.

[growling]

...I just couldn't
leave you, Grandma.

I couldn't do it.

Now do you see
why old dinosaurs go into the tar?

Take me home, dear.

Please let the old lady
be all right.

Please, please,
don't take this away from me!

[Earl] Where have you been?

Don't get in an uproar, chuckles.
We were just out for a little walk.

I know where you went.

You do?

You went to throw yourself
over the cliff without me,

but Robbie found you
and brought you back.

Good boy.
She may try again.

Keep an eye on her.

- No problem.
- Ethyl.

[chuckling]

Now, listen, Ugh,

I'm expecting an important
package this afternoon.

So whatever you do,
don't open it.

I won't, Woodrow.

[narrator] Hilarious high jinks
with that talking caveman on Mr. Ugh.

3 lam Mr. Ugh

[narrator] Today at four.

Uh... Mom, could I talk
to you for a second?

Yes, dear.

Uh... what would
be the big deal

if nobody threw Grandma
into the tar pit?

It would kill
your father, dear.

Mom, it used to be that
old dinosaurs slowed down the pack.

Now we live in houses.

It used to be old
dinosaurs couldn't hunt.

Now we have supermarkets.

Isn't throwing Grandma
off a cliff just a waste

of a perfectly good old lady?

I'm just asking.

What?

Since we're domesticated now,

there's nothing forcing us
to hurl Mother, is there?

[laughing] That's an interesting
notion there, Fran.

Isn't it?

I just can't help wondering

where you came up with
this interesting notion.

Well, I have to admit
it's not actually my idea,

although the moment I heard it,
it made so much sense.

Doesn't it make sense to you?

Oh, yeah,
it certainly does.

But you know what
I'm curious about?

Where did this idea
come from originally?

If you think about it,
it's a barbaric ritual.

It's not barbaric!

It's holy and solemn.

Earl, you're overreacting.

Fran, dear, I'm merely
stating my position.

There is no position.

Earl, I've made my decision.

You're not throwing Mother.

- I'm throwing her!
- Ow.

You want to sleep on the couch
for the rest of your life?

I'm throwing her, Fran.
Ethyl!

I'm throwing her.
I'm throwing her.

I married you
so I could throw her.

So is the hat too much?

Change of schedule.
We're taking off early.

Earl!

Uh... look, it's Godzilla!

Huh, what?

[groaning] You had
to eat a big breakfast.

Just push the chair, fat boy.

Come on. Come on.

Slow down. I want to fix
my face for my Louie.

- You look gorgeous, Ethyl.
- Oh, do you think so?

- Yeah. Get your foot off the brake.
- Oh, shut up.

[groans]

[Ethyl] Push, push!

OK, Ethyl,
I wrote this speech...

Uh... you can read it
on the way down.

- Earl, stop!
- OK, I'm ready.

No, you're not, Grandma.
You don't have to go.

- What?
- Dad, a million years ago,

some old dinosaur did what was right in
his time and created this hurling thing.

You can do what's right in your time
and go down in history.

You could be a legend
among dinosaurs!

Or have momentary satisfaction
of throwing grandma off the cliff.

You should think about
this long and hard.

Watch your toes, son.

- Listen, Dad!
- No, you listen!

This is my moment.

This is the time when
the lowest of the low

can stand with
the highest of the high.

If I lose this,
my life means nothing.

Well, then I guess
my life means nothing, Dad.

- What are you saying?
- When the time comes,

- I'm not throwing you.
- Why the hell not?

Because you're my father
and just because you get old

doesn't mean you're not
my father anymore.

Oh, jeez!

Hello?
Hello?

Am I suddenly invisible?

Why doesn't somebody
ask me how I feel?

How do you feel, Mother?

I'm an old dinosaur.

There's no safe place
for me anymore in this world.

You could live with us
in Dad's den!

That's it!
They're both going over.

Times are changing, Earl.

Today? Do they have
to change today?

She's just an old dinosaur.

She's just gonna be in the way.

She's only old because
she's lived a long time.

[Earl gasps]

Maybe there are things
we can learn from her.

Maybe how we treat our old
dinosaurs is wrong.

Maybe it's better to keep
them than throw them away.

Grandma, just tell him
you don't want to go.

Robbie, darling,

I've done everything there
is to do in this life.

At my age, what do
I have to live for?

Fran, I am not letting
your mother move into my house

to spend her days
making my life miserable.

Take me home, dear.

Yes! Cool!
Excellent!

I'm coming, Louie.

Earl, stop.

Fran, if you love me,
throw me in.

Earl, it's just
for the rest of her life.

How long can that possibly be?

How should I know, Fran?

Nobody ever died
of getting old before.

You know...

I feel like I could
live to be a million!

Jeez!

[groans]

[Earl] Hey, it was a mighty toss.

I mean, I almost threw her
past the tar pit entirely.

And then-then-then
she came down and down,

and then, uh...

She bounced!

Yeah, she bounced right back up
and landed back in her chair.

It's a miracle, they tell me.

So I gotta let her move in.
That's the truth.

Earl, you killed us.

[groans]