Death Valley (2011): Season 1, Episode 7 - Who, What, When, Werewolf... Why - full transcript
So...
I had a really nice
night tonight.
Yeah, me too.
Glad you called.
I should...
probably go inside.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's go inside.
You know what I mean.
Whoa. Hey. Hey.
Come on.
I said I had a nice night, so...
Yes. I get it.
- Call me tomorrow?
- Okay.
Good night, Travis.
Good night.
Hey!
Watch it.
Ah!
[breathes heavily, growls]
[growls]
[screams]
One year ago...
vampires, werewolves,
and zombies...
descended upon California's
San Fernando Valley.
Authorities remain baffled
by their origins.
♪ love is nasty
'cause it gets so rotten ♪
♪ I think it's time to put
this body in the ground ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ we're losing all control ♪
♪ the buildings
all turn to dust ♪
♪ and I think
it's getting closer ♪
Death Valley S01E07:
"Who, What, When, Werewolf... Why?"
Okay, people,
looks like we have ourselves
a werewolf to apprehend.
Pierce, Stubeck,
I want you guys on this.
- Why not me and Carla?
- Yeah.
Because for the month,
Stubeck and pierce
have 11 werewolves
to you and Rinaldi's 6.
'Cause you give them
the good leads, captain.
I assign the leads randomly,
and excuses are the nails
used to build
a house of failure.
- What?
- Officer Landry,
I understand this werewolf
attack happened on your block.
Well, you're welcome
to stay at my place
until this whole thing blows over.
Um, I-I think
I'll be okay.
And moving on...
I just received word
that the L.A.
Department of Sanitation
failed to sign
a new contract today,
so they are officially
on strike.
Yeah, what does that mean?
What that means is that
each and every one of you
is responsible for collecting
and disposing
of your own zombie kills.
Can we keep the zombies?
No, we can't keep them.
Of course not.
And final piece of business,
it is officer Carla Rinaldi's
birthday today.
[mexican accent]
Happy Birthday, Carla.
- That's my Carla.
- Happy Birthday.
That's my Carla.
She's not saying
what birthday,
but, uh, I would gather
that it's probably been
a couple years
since your quinceañera.
Am I right, Rinaldi?
Captain, you know
I'm not hispanic, right?
If I did, I sure as hell
I wouldn't tell you.
Anyway, let's throw
a little extra love Carla's way.
Let's make sure
it's appropriate love.
No full-mouth kissing,
no crotch mashing.
Any of you sacks
want to give Carla a hug,
you bend at the waist
like an A-frame house.
Damn right, captain.
All right, now, let's get out
there and kill something.
Hey, remember earlier
when I told you not to look
at that S.U.V. next to us
with the tinted windows,
and then you looked anyway?
Yeah, I thought you were
pointing out some side-boob.
Naturally.
Anyway, when the driver
went to flick his cigarette
out the window,
I caught a glimpse of him,
and it was the same vamp
that jumped me outside the bar
a couple weeks ago.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.
Did you get the plates?
- Ah, yeah.
- Mm-Hmm.
Only question now is, Stu,
what are we gonna do
about it?
We don't do anything.
Captain wants us
on this werewolf case.
We're gonna sit tight
until we can talk to him later.
- Don't give me that look.
- What?
That's the look you give me
when you're gonna do something
that I directly
asked you not to do.
Promise me you won't go
after these guys alone.
All right, Stu, I promise.
Pinkie swear?
I pinkie swear.
I'm a dad.
I take pinkie swears seriously.
- I know you do, partner.
- All right.
All right.
Got it.
Hey, captain.
Sorry to bother you,
but can I run a license plate?
Anyways, I just showed up
at, uh, this police department.
No, the Undead Task Force?
Yeah, I'd give it about a "D,"
solid "D" minus.
B.T. Dubs,
not that I pay taxes,
but if I did, psh,
I would be pissed.
All right, pal.
I'll see you later.
Hey.
Can I help you?
Uh, hey, yes.
Please.
I'm--I'm looking
for "Kiersten"?
Kirsten.
Yeah, I just wanted
to drop off her jacket.
She... she left it in my car,
uh, the other night,
so I just wanted to, you know...
Yeah, uh...
she's busy.
She can't come out right now.
Okay...
dad.
- Well, gee golly.
- Thanks.
- Pass that on to her.
- I will.
Maybe I should write
a note or...?
- Nope.
- No? Maybe not?
Okay, well...
Do I know you
from somewhere?
Yeah, I'm... I'm the bassist
for Plastic Organ.
- Oh.
- Uh, Six Inches Soft?
Handicapped Stalls?
Otis Gay
and The Civil Rights?
- Nursery Crimes?
- Mm-Mm.
- Cancel The Pants?
- Definitely not.
Those are just some
of the bands I dabble in.
You probably don't listen
to that music anyways.
Probably don't get out
of the valley often.
No, no, I leave the valley
from time to time.
Okay, well, thank you,
uh, captain Stubeck.
- You realize I kill things.
- [laughs]
Well, you're sure as hell
not a comedian, pal.
I'll see you later.
Hey, that's not a door.
[clears throat]
[coughs]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, some creepy hipster
dropped this off for you.
Travis!
Is he still outside?
No, I, uh, think he had
several calls to make.
And he's not a creep.
Okay, well,
I don't trust him.
Okay.
What's with
the facial-hair thing?
I mean, he doesn't have a beard,
but he's not clean-shaven.
Personally, I think you should
pick one and go with it.
Oh, I kind of like
his scruff.
Don't worry.
You'll like him.
We should all go out
and see his band sometime.
All right.
Hey, uh, kind of seemed
like he had greek features.
Is he greek?
Travis Flynn.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Travis Flynn.
Do you realize
once you kill this zombie,
we're gonna have
to put her in the car,
drive her all
around town with us
until we get
to the precinct, right?
You do know that.
Yeah. So?
What are you proposing?
I'm saying call Billy
and Stubeck on this one.
Let them handle it...
unless these idiots here
are gonna tell on us, huh?
John-John.
I'll tell on you.
Damn.
What?
She'll get it.
Nice shot, girl.
I hate when that happens.
Why?
She's just a zombie.
I'm pretty sure
she didn't feel no pain.
No, I know.
I just...
hate when I miss.
[sighs]
Are you seriously
not gonna go get her?
She's already
in the garbage can, Carla.
John-John, nobody's
emptying the garbage cans.
So?
It's my birthday.
I want that.
- That right there?
- Yes.
Damn. Birthdays.
[laughs]
"It's my birthday,
John-John.
John-John do this.
John-John do that."
- She stinks!
- Yeah, she's a zombie.
[grunts]
Ugh. She smells like
fish and eggs.
Open the door.
Oh, no, I'm not riding back
there with her leaning on me.
- Open the damn door.
- All right, no, seriously,
I get paid, like,
less than an intern,
- so I'd rather just quit.
- [chuckles]
Carla, pop the trunk.
[rock music]
- I knew it.
- What'd you know?
There was a problem
with that guy.
- Looks important.
- It is important.
You have no idea
what I'm doing.
Uh-Uh.
Search
"Mischa Barton upskirt."
No, I'm doing
police business right now.
[groans]
Oh, it burns.
- Stop it.
- Burns so bad.
Fine.
"Mischa... Barton...
upskirt."
- Take the helm.
- [groans]
5,000.
Captain...
you seen officer Landry around?
Eh, she left with some
half-beard in a camaro.
They say
where they were going?
- They did not.
- Thanks, captain.
Stubeck.
Yeah?
You think
those two are, um...?
I don't want to think
about it.
Neither do I.
Entertaining impure thoughts
about officer Landry
weakens and cheapens all of us,
and I will not stand for it...
at least not on company time.
We understand each other?
I think so, captain.
- Very well.
- Thanks.
- Stubeck!
- [clears throat]
Captain.
I don't feel
the same way about Rinaldi.
Okay.
I feel she can handle
our demons.
- Uh...
- You're a man of the world.
I live in Sherman Oaks.
You know what I'm talking
about, don't you?
- Honestly, I have no idea.
- Keep your guard up, soldier.
Dismissed.
- Dismissed?
- Yes.
Stubeck!
Yeah.
Thank you
for being there for me...
now and in the future.
Dismissed.
I feel like you're probably
just gonna...
call my name again when
I get a little ways away.
Don't like
being second-guessed.
- Dismissed.
- Really?
- Yes.
- See you on Monday.
- Stubeck.
- Nope.
[siren wails]
Oh, my god.
That was so good.
Wasn't sweet enough.
Are you serious?
Strawberry cake
with maple-syrup filling
and powdered sugar on top?
- Close your eyes.
- What?
Close your eyes.
Trust me.
Okay, open 'em.
Happy Birthday, partner.
John-John.
Huh?
Oh, my god.
John-John.
- This is a Rolex.
- Yeah.
Where did you get this?
Yeah, you know,
I got some people.
But this
is crazy expensive...
unless it's a knock off, which
is totally cool, by the way.
- Is it a knockoff?
- No, of course it's--
I wouldn't do that to you.
Look at the bling bling
on that thing.
You stole this,
didn't you?
Why? Because I'm black?
You stole this off
that lady zombie in the trunk.
No. Yes.
That zombie lady,
she didn't need it.
Plus, a Rolex
is a terrible thing to waste.
You got to put this
back on that zombie.
I just wanted
to get you something nice
for your birthday, Carla.
That's all.
Well, I appreciate the gesture.
Mm-hmm.
But you can't just take
a watch off a dead person, okay?
Come on. It's, like,
the worst karma ever.
Okay.
You, uh,
you wanted to see me, captain?
Pierce, I ran those plates.
You want to tell me
what that's about?
Honestly,
I'd rather not.
You're a good-looking man, Billy.
Some might even say pretty.
You got golden thread for hair
and a mouth like a cut peach.
But I am still your captain,
and I asked you a question.
I'm sorry.
What was the question?
I can't remember anymore.
- License plates.
- License plates.
That's what
I was asking about.
Right.
So Stubeck I.D'd the driver
as one of the vamps
who jumped him outside the bar.
Right? Now, I've been dying
to get this piece of crap.
Only thing is, I promised Stu
I wouldn't go at it alone.
Now, I wouldn't be breaking
that promise
If a certain someone
decided to come with me,
now, would I?
That's true.
I'm talking
about you, captain.
You... you should come with me.
- Oh, me?
- Yeah.
Oh, great.
Yeah. Why not?
Let's do this.
Let's kick some vamp ass.
- Kick some vamp ass.
- All right.
[siren wails]
So I'm about a year
out of college, right?
Traveling
through Amsterdam, right?
That's right.
And I'm coming out of this club,
and this intense-looking
Israeli man
with a magician's moustache
pulls up in a black
Mercedes sedan.
What?
And he asks me
if I want to go
to a place
in the red light district
where they masturbate
you with fur.
[indistinct chatter
over police radio]
Ah! Every time.
- Damn it.
- We don't care.
Roger, roger.
We're on it. Roger.
Hold on.
Get back to your story.
Mind you now,
this Israeli guy
was a black belt in karate
and the former keyboardist
for Tears for Fears.
Everybody wants
to rule the world.
Ain't that the truth.
[siren wails]
A.P.B. out on Ford exposition,
West Burbank Boulevard.
Ugh. I knew I shouldn't have
told Billy about that vamp.
[line ringing]
Hello?
Billy, where are you?
Who's this?
It's Stubeck,
you moron.
Ah, I'm just busting on you.
This is Billy's voice mail.
I can't take your call
right now,
so leave a message
at the beep.
Billy, that message
is not funny,
and I know what you're doing.
I heard the A.P.B. you put out.
If you don't call me,
I'm telling Dashell.
And one of these times,
I am gonna tell Dashell.
I'm not gonna tell Dashell.
That's his ride
right there.
It's empty.
- Is that him?
- Yeah, that's him.
How the hell's he getting
cell-phone coverage out here?
Big S.O.B.
I wonder who
his provider is.
This guy's gonna fight.
We got to hit him from behind.
Maybe I'm just not using
my roaming feature right.
Maybe U.V. him or--
Hey, Pierce, can we focus
on the massive vampire
we got to take down, please?
Yeah.
Where'd he go?
Ah, crap.
[Bleep]
Okay.
Marry Michelle Obama,
bang Sarah Palin.
That's interesting.
Aah!
[both screaming]
Holy [bleep], dude.
It's a zombie.
- Do something.
- I am doing something.
Your gun. Your gun.
Shoot that thing.
I swear to god,
I will shoot it...
[Bleep].
- Oh, my god.
- Golly.
Where'd you get
those vocals?
I'm sorry.
I got scared.
I thought you shot her,
in the first place.
- I did.
- Obviously you didn't, Carla.
I shot it twice, all right?
- She's still moving.
- I...
[crying] I definitely shot it
the second time!
Oh.
You didn't put the watch
back on her, did you?
I'm serious,
the world's gonna end in 2012.
If you don't believe me,
rent the movie.
[tires squeal]
[coughs]
- [grunts]
- Hey, are you okay?
Travis, what's wrong?
No, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good.
[coughs] What was I saying? I was...
Aah!
Jesus.
What's going on?
Travis, pull over!
Aah!
Oh, my god. If you're a
werewolf and you didn't tell me,
I'm gonna [bleep] kill you.
Jesus.
Travi--!
[distant pop music]
[roars]
Hey!
Billy, U.V.!
Cuff this piece of [bleep].
Get up.
Get up, sunshine.
Get up on your feet.
And let's try this
again, huh?
You ready?
[grunts]
Fry him! Fry him!
[screams]
[bleep]
[bleep]
[howls]
[growls]
Oh [bleep].
Travis, stop.
You don't have to do this, okay?
Just breathe. You don't know
what you're doing.
Everything's gonna be okay.
[silenced gunshot]
[breathing heavily]
Told you I didn't trust
that guy.
You okay?
Hit your head or anything?
Uh, no, I'm okay.
How did you find me?
Put out an A.P.B.
Pretty simple, really.
Thank you.
You know what's crazy?
He actually asked me
if it was my time of the month.
I don't want to discuss
your womanly, uh...
Well, I guess now
would be a good time
for you to lecture me
about the kind of guys
that I date.
No, no, no, no,
you're a big girl...
although, come on,
that guy didn't pass
the smell test.
He actually smelled
kind of great.
Not what I'm talking about.
I've seen the type
a million times.
Let me guess.
No steady job...
badmouths his parents,
super controlling,
never has money,
always wants you to pay.
Mm-hmm.
I was supposed to buy
him a guitar on Saturday.
I hate them.
Hey, you know what I love
about these Looxcie cameras
- is you can check your nostrils.
- Stop it.
Officer Rinaldi
will go undercover
as a vamp hooker.
Whoa!
I'm gonna take this gun,
and I'm gonna shoot him
in his face.
I need a rope.
It's a vamp.
Actually,
he's kind of a tool.
- [snarls]
- Whoa!
You know, you might be
developmentally challenged.
I had a really nice
night tonight.
Yeah, me too.
Glad you called.
I should...
probably go inside.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's go inside.
You know what I mean.
Whoa. Hey. Hey.
Come on.
I said I had a nice night, so...
Yes. I get it.
- Call me tomorrow?
- Okay.
Good night, Travis.
Good night.
Hey!
Watch it.
Ah!
[breathes heavily, growls]
[growls]
[screams]
One year ago...
vampires, werewolves,
and zombies...
descended upon California's
San Fernando Valley.
Authorities remain baffled
by their origins.
♪ love is nasty
'cause it gets so rotten ♪
♪ I think it's time to put
this body in the ground ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ we're losing all control ♪
♪ the buildings
all turn to dust ♪
♪ and I think
it's getting closer ♪
Death Valley S01E07:
"Who, What, When, Werewolf... Why?"
Okay, people,
looks like we have ourselves
a werewolf to apprehend.
Pierce, Stubeck,
I want you guys on this.
- Why not me and Carla?
- Yeah.
Because for the month,
Stubeck and pierce
have 11 werewolves
to you and Rinaldi's 6.
'Cause you give them
the good leads, captain.
I assign the leads randomly,
and excuses are the nails
used to build
a house of failure.
- What?
- Officer Landry,
I understand this werewolf
attack happened on your block.
Well, you're welcome
to stay at my place
until this whole thing blows over.
Um, I-I think
I'll be okay.
And moving on...
I just received word
that the L.A.
Department of Sanitation
failed to sign
a new contract today,
so they are officially
on strike.
Yeah, what does that mean?
What that means is that
each and every one of you
is responsible for collecting
and disposing
of your own zombie kills.
Can we keep the zombies?
No, we can't keep them.
Of course not.
And final piece of business,
it is officer Carla Rinaldi's
birthday today.
[mexican accent]
Happy Birthday, Carla.
- That's my Carla.
- Happy Birthday.
That's my Carla.
She's not saying
what birthday,
but, uh, I would gather
that it's probably been
a couple years
since your quinceañera.
Am I right, Rinaldi?
Captain, you know
I'm not hispanic, right?
If I did, I sure as hell
I wouldn't tell you.
Anyway, let's throw
a little extra love Carla's way.
Let's make sure
it's appropriate love.
No full-mouth kissing,
no crotch mashing.
Any of you sacks
want to give Carla a hug,
you bend at the waist
like an A-frame house.
Damn right, captain.
All right, now, let's get out
there and kill something.
Hey, remember earlier
when I told you not to look
at that S.U.V. next to us
with the tinted windows,
and then you looked anyway?
Yeah, I thought you were
pointing out some side-boob.
Naturally.
Anyway, when the driver
went to flick his cigarette
out the window,
I caught a glimpse of him,
and it was the same vamp
that jumped me outside the bar
a couple weeks ago.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.
Did you get the plates?
- Ah, yeah.
- Mm-Hmm.
Only question now is, Stu,
what are we gonna do
about it?
We don't do anything.
Captain wants us
on this werewolf case.
We're gonna sit tight
until we can talk to him later.
- Don't give me that look.
- What?
That's the look you give me
when you're gonna do something
that I directly
asked you not to do.
Promise me you won't go
after these guys alone.
All right, Stu, I promise.
Pinkie swear?
I pinkie swear.
I'm a dad.
I take pinkie swears seriously.
- I know you do, partner.
- All right.
All right.
Got it.
Hey, captain.
Sorry to bother you,
but can I run a license plate?
Anyways, I just showed up
at, uh, this police department.
No, the Undead Task Force?
Yeah, I'd give it about a "D,"
solid "D" minus.
B.T. Dubs,
not that I pay taxes,
but if I did, psh,
I would be pissed.
All right, pal.
I'll see you later.
Hey.
Can I help you?
Uh, hey, yes.
Please.
I'm--I'm looking
for "Kiersten"?
Kirsten.
Yeah, I just wanted
to drop off her jacket.
She... she left it in my car,
uh, the other night,
so I just wanted to, you know...
Yeah, uh...
she's busy.
She can't come out right now.
Okay...
dad.
- Well, gee golly.
- Thanks.
- Pass that on to her.
- I will.
Maybe I should write
a note or...?
- Nope.
- No? Maybe not?
Okay, well...
Do I know you
from somewhere?
Yeah, I'm... I'm the bassist
for Plastic Organ.
- Oh.
- Uh, Six Inches Soft?
Handicapped Stalls?
Otis Gay
and The Civil Rights?
- Nursery Crimes?
- Mm-Mm.
- Cancel The Pants?
- Definitely not.
Those are just some
of the bands I dabble in.
You probably don't listen
to that music anyways.
Probably don't get out
of the valley often.
No, no, I leave the valley
from time to time.
Okay, well, thank you,
uh, captain Stubeck.
- You realize I kill things.
- [laughs]
Well, you're sure as hell
not a comedian, pal.
I'll see you later.
Hey, that's not a door.
[clears throat]
[coughs]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, some creepy hipster
dropped this off for you.
Travis!
Is he still outside?
No, I, uh, think he had
several calls to make.
And he's not a creep.
Okay, well,
I don't trust him.
Okay.
What's with
the facial-hair thing?
I mean, he doesn't have a beard,
but he's not clean-shaven.
Personally, I think you should
pick one and go with it.
Oh, I kind of like
his scruff.
Don't worry.
You'll like him.
We should all go out
and see his band sometime.
All right.
Hey, uh, kind of seemed
like he had greek features.
Is he greek?
Travis Flynn.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Travis Flynn.
Do you realize
once you kill this zombie,
we're gonna have
to put her in the car,
drive her all
around town with us
until we get
to the precinct, right?
You do know that.
Yeah. So?
What are you proposing?
I'm saying call Billy
and Stubeck on this one.
Let them handle it...
unless these idiots here
are gonna tell on us, huh?
John-John.
I'll tell on you.
Damn.
What?
She'll get it.
Nice shot, girl.
I hate when that happens.
Why?
She's just a zombie.
I'm pretty sure
she didn't feel no pain.
No, I know.
I just...
hate when I miss.
[sighs]
Are you seriously
not gonna go get her?
She's already
in the garbage can, Carla.
John-John, nobody's
emptying the garbage cans.
So?
It's my birthday.
I want that.
- That right there?
- Yes.
Damn. Birthdays.
[laughs]
"It's my birthday,
John-John.
John-John do this.
John-John do that."
- She stinks!
- Yeah, she's a zombie.
[grunts]
Ugh. She smells like
fish and eggs.
Open the door.
Oh, no, I'm not riding back
there with her leaning on me.
- Open the damn door.
- All right, no, seriously,
I get paid, like,
less than an intern,
- so I'd rather just quit.
- [chuckles]
Carla, pop the trunk.
[rock music]
- I knew it.
- What'd you know?
There was a problem
with that guy.
- Looks important.
- It is important.
You have no idea
what I'm doing.
Uh-Uh.
Search
"Mischa Barton upskirt."
No, I'm doing
police business right now.
[groans]
Oh, it burns.
- Stop it.
- Burns so bad.
Fine.
"Mischa... Barton...
upskirt."
- Take the helm.
- [groans]
5,000.
Captain...
you seen officer Landry around?
Eh, she left with some
half-beard in a camaro.
They say
where they were going?
- They did not.
- Thanks, captain.
Stubeck.
Yeah?
You think
those two are, um...?
I don't want to think
about it.
Neither do I.
Entertaining impure thoughts
about officer Landry
weakens and cheapens all of us,
and I will not stand for it...
at least not on company time.
We understand each other?
I think so, captain.
- Very well.
- Thanks.
- Stubeck!
- [clears throat]
Captain.
I don't feel
the same way about Rinaldi.
Okay.
I feel she can handle
our demons.
- Uh...
- You're a man of the world.
I live in Sherman Oaks.
You know what I'm talking
about, don't you?
- Honestly, I have no idea.
- Keep your guard up, soldier.
Dismissed.
- Dismissed?
- Yes.
Stubeck!
Yeah.
Thank you
for being there for me...
now and in the future.
Dismissed.
I feel like you're probably
just gonna...
call my name again when
I get a little ways away.
Don't like
being second-guessed.
- Dismissed.
- Really?
- Yes.
- See you on Monday.
- Stubeck.
- Nope.
[siren wails]
Oh, my god.
That was so good.
Wasn't sweet enough.
Are you serious?
Strawberry cake
with maple-syrup filling
and powdered sugar on top?
- Close your eyes.
- What?
Close your eyes.
Trust me.
Okay, open 'em.
Happy Birthday, partner.
John-John.
Huh?
Oh, my god.
John-John.
- This is a Rolex.
- Yeah.
Where did you get this?
Yeah, you know,
I got some people.
But this
is crazy expensive...
unless it's a knock off, which
is totally cool, by the way.
- Is it a knockoff?
- No, of course it's--
I wouldn't do that to you.
Look at the bling bling
on that thing.
You stole this,
didn't you?
Why? Because I'm black?
You stole this off
that lady zombie in the trunk.
No. Yes.
That zombie lady,
she didn't need it.
Plus, a Rolex
is a terrible thing to waste.
You got to put this
back on that zombie.
I just wanted
to get you something nice
for your birthday, Carla.
That's all.
Well, I appreciate the gesture.
Mm-hmm.
But you can't just take
a watch off a dead person, okay?
Come on. It's, like,
the worst karma ever.
Okay.
You, uh,
you wanted to see me, captain?
Pierce, I ran those plates.
You want to tell me
what that's about?
Honestly,
I'd rather not.
You're a good-looking man, Billy.
Some might even say pretty.
You got golden thread for hair
and a mouth like a cut peach.
But I am still your captain,
and I asked you a question.
I'm sorry.
What was the question?
I can't remember anymore.
- License plates.
- License plates.
That's what
I was asking about.
Right.
So Stubeck I.D'd the driver
as one of the vamps
who jumped him outside the bar.
Right? Now, I've been dying
to get this piece of crap.
Only thing is, I promised Stu
I wouldn't go at it alone.
Now, I wouldn't be breaking
that promise
If a certain someone
decided to come with me,
now, would I?
That's true.
I'm talking
about you, captain.
You... you should come with me.
- Oh, me?
- Yeah.
Oh, great.
Yeah. Why not?
Let's do this.
Let's kick some vamp ass.
- Kick some vamp ass.
- All right.
[siren wails]
So I'm about a year
out of college, right?
Traveling
through Amsterdam, right?
That's right.
And I'm coming out of this club,
and this intense-looking
Israeli man
with a magician's moustache
pulls up in a black
Mercedes sedan.
What?
And he asks me
if I want to go
to a place
in the red light district
where they masturbate
you with fur.
[indistinct chatter
over police radio]
Ah! Every time.
- Damn it.
- We don't care.
Roger, roger.
We're on it. Roger.
Hold on.
Get back to your story.
Mind you now,
this Israeli guy
was a black belt in karate
and the former keyboardist
for Tears for Fears.
Everybody wants
to rule the world.
Ain't that the truth.
[siren wails]
A.P.B. out on Ford exposition,
West Burbank Boulevard.
Ugh. I knew I shouldn't have
told Billy about that vamp.
[line ringing]
Hello?
Billy, where are you?
Who's this?
It's Stubeck,
you moron.
Ah, I'm just busting on you.
This is Billy's voice mail.
I can't take your call
right now,
so leave a message
at the beep.
Billy, that message
is not funny,
and I know what you're doing.
I heard the A.P.B. you put out.
If you don't call me,
I'm telling Dashell.
And one of these times,
I am gonna tell Dashell.
I'm not gonna tell Dashell.
That's his ride
right there.
It's empty.
- Is that him?
- Yeah, that's him.
How the hell's he getting
cell-phone coverage out here?
Big S.O.B.
I wonder who
his provider is.
This guy's gonna fight.
We got to hit him from behind.
Maybe I'm just not using
my roaming feature right.
Maybe U.V. him or--
Hey, Pierce, can we focus
on the massive vampire
we got to take down, please?
Yeah.
Where'd he go?
Ah, crap.
[Bleep]
Okay.
Marry Michelle Obama,
bang Sarah Palin.
That's interesting.
Aah!
[both screaming]
Holy [bleep], dude.
It's a zombie.
- Do something.
- I am doing something.
Your gun. Your gun.
Shoot that thing.
I swear to god,
I will shoot it...
[Bleep].
- Oh, my god.
- Golly.
Where'd you get
those vocals?
I'm sorry.
I got scared.
I thought you shot her,
in the first place.
- I did.
- Obviously you didn't, Carla.
I shot it twice, all right?
- She's still moving.
- I...
[crying] I definitely shot it
the second time!
Oh.
You didn't put the watch
back on her, did you?
I'm serious,
the world's gonna end in 2012.
If you don't believe me,
rent the movie.
[tires squeal]
[coughs]
- [grunts]
- Hey, are you okay?
Travis, what's wrong?
No, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm good.
[coughs] What was I saying? I was...
Aah!
Jesus.
What's going on?
Travis, pull over!
Aah!
Oh, my god. If you're a
werewolf and you didn't tell me,
I'm gonna [bleep] kill you.
Jesus.
Travi--!
[distant pop music]
[roars]
Hey!
Billy, U.V.!
Cuff this piece of [bleep].
Get up.
Get up, sunshine.
Get up on your feet.
And let's try this
again, huh?
You ready?
[grunts]
Fry him! Fry him!
[screams]
[bleep]
[bleep]
[howls]
[growls]
Oh [bleep].
Travis, stop.
You don't have to do this, okay?
Just breathe. You don't know
what you're doing.
Everything's gonna be okay.
[silenced gunshot]
[breathing heavily]
Told you I didn't trust
that guy.
You okay?
Hit your head or anything?
Uh, no, I'm okay.
How did you find me?
Put out an A.P.B.
Pretty simple, really.
Thank you.
You know what's crazy?
He actually asked me
if it was my time of the month.
I don't want to discuss
your womanly, uh...
Well, I guess now
would be a good time
for you to lecture me
about the kind of guys
that I date.
No, no, no, no,
you're a big girl...
although, come on,
that guy didn't pass
the smell test.
He actually smelled
kind of great.
Not what I'm talking about.
I've seen the type
a million times.
Let me guess.
No steady job...
badmouths his parents,
super controlling,
never has money,
always wants you to pay.
Mm-hmm.
I was supposed to buy
him a guitar on Saturday.
I hate them.
Hey, you know what I love
about these Looxcie cameras
- is you can check your nostrils.
- Stop it.
Officer Rinaldi
will go undercover
as a vamp hooker.
Whoa!
I'm gonna take this gun,
and I'm gonna shoot him
in his face.
I need a rope.
It's a vamp.
Actually,
he's kind of a tool.
- [snarls]
- Whoa!
You know, you might be
developmentally challenged.