Crisis in Six Scenes (2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - Crisis in Six Scenes - full transcript
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Hi!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you read the book I gave you?
You know I did. I'm
almost finished with it.
It's funny 'cause I didn't know anything
about Frantz Fanon before that.
Oh, well, you should; everybody should.
Well, there was something that he wrote
that, uh, I was really moved by.
Um, "Each generation
must discover its mission,
"fulfill it, or betray it."
Now, that was pretty good stuff.
I believe it.
Do you know what else he said?
He wrote, "We revolt
"simply because, for many reasons,
"we can no longer breathe."
Is that why you became revolutionary?
You couldn't breathe?
Not this air. I couldn't...
I couldn't stand to breathe the air
of the hypocritical American politics.
Well, I mean, you know, what government
isn't a little bit hypocritical?
My boyfriend, he was always
rushing me to the emergency room.
And everybody thought it was my heart.
So that's when my shrink explained
that it was psychosomatic.
That I was having these panic attacks
from all the hypocrisy around me,
and so that's when I realized that
the whole system is just
too rotten to be saved
and we're gonna have to start all over.
You know, that's a real coincidence,
'cause Sidney, he
gets panic attacks too.
- Who?
- Sidney.
Uh, S. J. Muntzinger.
He's Kay's... Kay's husband.
He's a moron.
No, he suffers a lot.
Yeah, but he suffers
from the bullshit big questions.
You know, like, the meaning of life
and mortality.
I think he's a passive imbecile.
Well, I wouldn't say he's passive.
He votes liberal, you
know, when he votes.
Big deal, a limousine liberal,
I'm... I'm so impressed.
What matters is not to know the world
but to change it.
Wow, somebody learned their
Frantz Fanon very well.
You know what else old Frantz said
that I buy into 100%?
"Violence is man re-creating himself."
You know, if you don't like
the way that the world is,
you have to change it.
You have to change it yourself.
Jesus, Lenny, you know what you are?
You're charismatic.
Yeah, you've got... you've got charisma.
It's amazing.
My Ellie, she has charisma too.
You know, Ellie, my fianc?e.
I've shown you a picture of her, right?
Yeah, she's really beautiful.
Yeah, she... so are
you. You're beautiful.
But you also got something else;
you have something that's very special.
It's like this inner fire, you know?
It's this inner fire; it's almost like
you're a total psychopath but exciting.
Oh, thank you. That is so sweet.
I... it's a compliment, you know?
I mean, it... I mean, you're committed.
You're committed, and I wish I had
an ounce of that fire to move on.
Hey, well, maybe you will someday.
What does your fianc?e
think about all this?
What does she think? She
works at an art gallery.
No, that's good.
Art's a really valuable tool.
Uh, for what?
Propaganda, for the revolution.
Geez, you know, the
thought of real change
just is so exciting to me.
Last night, I was alone.
I was in my bed. I was high.
I was... I was reading
about Fidel Castro.
It was so exhilarating.
Can you believe she put a poster
of Che Guevara up in her room?
Oh, he's her god, and what do you care?
However, I did think he
looked a little overweight.
I care. Okay?
You know, she's for
all the right things.
She's for peace,
she's for blacks, she's for Mexicans,
she's for the rights of women.
Yeah, but she should not
put up stuff on our wall.
You know, she's not entitled.
There's this radical arrogance.
It's not permanent.
When she leaves, you'll put back
your poster of Raquel Welch.
Christ. She's been here ten days.
She... she eats my... my Fig Newtons.
She eats my navel oranges.
My... my sister sent
us some stuffed cabbage;
she ate that.
It's just food.
She's a young girl.
She's got a healthy appetite,
and she happens to like what you like.
Yes, meanwhile,
all she does is criticize me.
And... and, you know, she...
And gives me her opinion on everything.
Well, because you represent
consumer capitalism to her.
To her, you're a stooge
of the oligarchy that runs this country.
So why me and not you?
Because she also believes that men
have kept women down.
Oh, Jesus, and where the hell
does she find such a big
poster of Che Guevara?
She, uh, she got it from
Allen, he went into town,
he picked up a lot of books for her,
and he, uh, picked up the poster.
Jesus, you know, Kay,
Allen's getting very cozy with her.
He likes her company.
They like each other's company.
Yeah, but we told his parents
that we would, you know, look after him.
We promised them, and meanwhile,
she's... she's here with him.
She's got him smoking dope.
She's... she's filling his
head full of radical ideas.
Yesterday, I heard them talking;
she was teaching him
how to make a bomb out of fertilizer.
I mean, Christ, and she gives him books.
You know, there are some
very interesting ideas in those books.
There really are.
They make me think that
we've led a life of such isolation.
Such apolitical life,
such... such a cushy life.
Yeah, but meanwhile, I'm tellin' you,
Allen's developing a crush on her.
Oh, don't be silly.
Allen's gonna marry Ellie.
Uh-huh. You're damn right
he's gonna marry Ellie.
You know, God, his parents
are crazy about her.
She's perfect for him.
She's a lovely girl.
Hey, what happened to the...
the shrimp in black bean sauce
that I brought home from
Wing Yi's last night?
I ate it.
You ate it?
Yep, was it in the little, uh,
a little white carton
next to a box of fried rice?
Yeah.
Finito, done. But you know what?
You should really be thanking me,
'cause at your age,
you shouldn't be eating
rice and sauces; it's
not easy to digest.
You should just put crackers
into a bowl of warm milk.
Oh, my book club.
Oh, I hope they like the books
that I recommended.
Oh, they will.
She's... she's recommending
books to you, Kay?
Kay, do you... are you following this?
- She ate my... she ate my...
- I understand.
She ate your food. She ate your food.
You can afford more black
bean sauce and shrimp.
Coming!
Oh, God, I'm tired.
I didn't get much sleep last night.
Some idiot was up
playing the television set
till 2:00 in the morning.
That was me. Do you mind?
Yeah, I figured.
No one else in this house is dumb enough
to watch baseball from 7:00 till 2:00.
Well, I'm sorry. It was
an extra inning game.
So what?
What do you mean, "So what"?
So I wanted to see
if the Mets would beat the Dodgers.
- Who cares?
- Who care...
I'll tell ya who cares.
Me and millions of Americans,
who love baseball and Thanksgiving
and who figure we can fix the country
without overthrowing the government.
Sports, just another
opium for the people.
Hey, your crowd thinks opium
should be the opium of the people.
You know who plays baseball?
Wilt Chamberlain?
No, no, Fidel Castro... your hero.
I doubt it.
I'm tellin' you, Fidel
Castro plays baseball.
When he's not using the sports stadium
to shoot people.
Okay, well, if you overthrow
a murderous dictator
and create a successful revolution,
I think you can treat
yourself to a double header.
Hey, you don't... you
don't like me, right?
Am... am I reading that correctly?
I don't dislike you.
It's just... everything
that you stand for.
Yeah, but why? I don't understand.
What do I stand for that's so terrible?
I got a house. I got a wife.
I got a car. Okay, I got two cars.
I mean, you know, I
got... I got possess...
you know, like my appliances.
But... but did I...
did I exploit any blacks
to buy my blender?
Did I... did I bomb any Vietnamese kids
when I was young?
I grew up in Brooklyn.
Mr. Popkin had a candy store.
He had a hot fudge machine.
I always wanted a hot
fudge machine my whole life.
I vowed when I got older,
I would have a hot fudge machine,
and now I have one.
And you're not gonna smear
sheep's blood on it either.
You know, you should not
be out here so casually.
Her book club is in there,
and if one of those yentas sees you,
this is all over.
I assume that you've all read the book
I gave you for this week.
Okay, it was given to
me by an acquaintance,
and at first, I didn't want to read it.
I thought I would be bored.
And then I was just
fascinated by its wisdom.
And it is, of course, the...
the "Quotations of
Chairman Mao Tse-Tung",
and its author is, um,
Mao Tse-Tung,
and, anyway, you know, I...
You know who he is, of course.
He's... he's the man who... that jacket,
that extremely stylish little jacket
is named after.
I love those Mao jackets.
Yes, it's very simple but it has
kind of an understated charm.
Yes, well, the Chinese really have
a great visual sense.
Mao's a great man.
Why?
Why is Mao a great man?
Well, if he did nothing else but stop
that hideous practice of foot binding.
Can you imagine having your feet bound?
I bought a pair of shoes
last week at Bergdorf's.
And they fit in the store,
but when I got them home,
they were too small.
You understand that Bergdorf's
is not the same as... as foot binding.
I don't know.
They were very expensive shoes.
And they were at least a size too small.
Tell me about it.
The minute you take them
out of the store, they hurt.
Incidentally, I love the black shoes
you wore to Nancy's sweet 16.
Those were Ferragamo.
They looked like Ferragamo.
Let's get back to Chairman Mao.
The quotation of his that
I really love the most is,
"Politics is war without bloodshed.
"And war is politics with bloodshed."
I think that's so meaningful.
Exactly what does that mean?
I don't know, but I know
it's open to interpretation.
Well, I think it means that war is a way
of settling, um, political
issues with force.
Like they... all the
stuff in Vietnam now.
What political issues
are we trying to settle?
I know. The domino effect.
Why should we send our
grandsons and our sons
to Asia to kill Asian men and women,
just to satisfy the...
the economic desires
- of some plutocrat?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't understand.
Since when have you become so militant
about all this stuff?
I have a friend who I've been talking to
and who has been giving me books.
Does that mean you're on LSD?
LSD?
What are you talking about?
Were our forefathers on LSD
when they went out and shot
their British oppressors?
And let's not forget
the Boston Tea Party.
Speaking of that,
did you read that a study found
that green tea is very good for you?
Much healthier than the kind we drink.
I don't like Chinese's tea.
I do.
Smoked Tea.
Lapsang Souchong.
Have you tried it?
Smoked Tea always
tastes like bacon to me.
I hate it.
I wouldn't care if the Indians threw
all the Smoked Tea overboard in Boston.
Wasn't it people dressed like Indians?
Indians are another minority
that we have exploited and raped.
Yes, we took their land.
Well, you know, this is
a very warlike country.
I mean, remember this, uh,
didn't General Custer... remember him?
Didn't he go and get himself killed?
Uh-huh.
Yes, he was gored by a bull.
No, Gayle, that was Sitting Bull.
A... a bull sat on him?
You know what we should really do?
We should go into town
and lie down in front of the entrance
of the local draft board.
And we stop traffic.
Don't we have to be naked?
Naked, ha! Well, what on...
Why on Earth, to do that?
Well, it's a form of civil disobedience.
Although I'm telling
this group right now,
if we're naked, I have to
lose six to eight pounds.
We'll bring a quart of pigs' blood.
Yes, to smear on the draft records.
It represents the blood of the slain.
I am for it.
When do we do it?
How about next Saturday?
Oh, I can't. We have a Bar Mitzvah.
Oh, yeah, um, Monday, then?
Monday's good.
We lie down...
Naked.
I'm gonna wear a bra and panties,
and that's... shocking enough for me.
I'm gonna burn my bra.
I could bring some snacks.
I... I'm very good with oatmeal cookies.
But not with nuts.
A naked sit-in.
Chairman Mao would be so proud.
What are you thinking?
Nothing. I'm fine.
You're so distant.
Well, mm...
Well, I was thinking
if we should have two kids or three.
I mean, I know we always said
we'd have a boy and a girl,
but it... maybe we're
thinking too small.
We could even adopt one, you know,
and... and that way,
we could pick the sex.
You know, um...
Well, and, of course, after...
after I've experienced pregnancy twice.
Look, don't panic when I say this, okay?
But, um, are we resigning ourselves
to this middle-class life?
You know, the idea of
the home, the hearth,
dogs, kids, all that,
and meanwhile, all over the world,
there's just so much to be done,
and here in our country,
there's so much to fix.
Well, I'm... I'm against the war,
if that's what you're getting at.
I mean, don't you think that America
somehow lost its way?
Well, yes, in many areas, sure,
but it's still the greatest
country in the world.
Yeah, the greatest country on Earth.
I know. I get that.
But, God, what does
that even mean anymore?
Well, where is it better?
I'm not saying that. I'm just saying...
Don't you think as a
rich, strong democracy,
it's our job to lead?
Since when are you so
intense over all this?
I don't know. I just got to wondering,
would we really be happy
living this easy, safe life
in some sanitized neighborhood and...
Well, it's important to
have a social conscience.
It's important to support
the right candidates
and give to the right charities,
but what more can you do?
What more can you do?
God, some of these monks in Asia,
they set themselves on fire, you know?
I don't think your
parents would like that.
Don't you think that some
of these black leaders,
they have a case for reparations?
I... I'm a democratic liberal,
which, in my family, is heresy,
but that's as far as I go.
I'm on the side of the oppressed,
but I'm not willing to
pour gasoline on myself
and light me.
Fine. Take it easy. I'm just...
We're talking here. Relax.
You're getting that
wild look in your eye.
All right, look, I'm not saying that
there aren't wars worth fighting.
Yes, there are, and, God,
Chairman Mao even said it.
"There are just wars, and
there are unjust wars."
Just be careful not to
die in an unjust war.
Who said that?
Mao.
Allen, you're starting
to sound a little crazy.
Like those crazy people
in the Weather Underground
or the Panthers or
that creepy-looking girl
who shot her way out of jail.
I mean, they're...
that's how they think.
They... they're crazy.
You think she's creepy-looking?
Look, honestly, I'm not really
following it that closely.
But, my God, I've never
seen this side of you.
Well, I shouldn't really say that.
You do tend to make
some seditious remarks
when you drink too much.
I have to sneak the call.
Muntzinger doesn't
want me usin' the phone
'cause he thinks it's tapped.
He's a total paranoid.
I can't wait to get outta here
so I never have to hear him complaining
about me eating his Fig
Newton sand navel oranges
ever again.
No, I understand.
I'm gonna get it to you.
I got the location. I got to go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You're back late.
I thought you'd be staying
at your girlfriend's.
We had a tiff.
True love never runs smoothly.
It's weird, you know?
Like, I mean, we rarely fight,
but... I don't know.
This one was about
America's exploitation
of Cuba under Batista, so...
Well, you've certainly read
everything that I recommended.
Yeah. Hey, I got you a book.
- You did?
- Yeah.
"The Life and Times of the Shmoo."
I thought you'd like it.
It's a comic book.
Well, yeah, but it's by Al Capp.
Who's Al Capp, and what's a Shmoo?
Al Capp, he wrote Li'l Abner.
You know, you'll see.
It's funny. You'll like it.
I don't have time for comic books.
My God, you sound like Ninotchka.
You know, not every book
has to be a manifesto.
Hey, Ninotchka, if I remember right,
gets seduced by Western imperialism.
She falls in love with the
opposite of a Communist.
Hey, I'm not a Communist, you know?
The Communists betrayed
their revolution.
Can we take a breather from
politics tonight, please?
It's a beautiful night.
Have you seen the full moon?
No.
Well, you gotta see it. Come on.
All right, you're right.
It's really pretty.
Yeah.
A very, very pretty moon.
It is.
That's a big mistake.
- Why?
- Because.
It's one thing if you
want to hang out with me
or go to bed with me or smoke a joint.
But... you're falling in love.
Kay, he's... he's kissing her.
He's... can you believe
it? He's kissing her.
Will you stop spying?
Oh, I don't understand it.
He's gonna marry a lovely girl.
Why is he kissing a convict?
And will you stop listening in
on her phone conversations?
You think I'm the only one listening in?
You... you don't think
Hoover's on the line?
I can hear J. Edgar Hoover breathing.
Chairman Mao says,"No girl
"is worth achieving
without some effort."
For God's sakes, stop with
the fortune cookies, okay?
I don't... what do I care
what Chairman Mao says?
Okay, I think he's just
a very interesting
political philosopher.
That's not your business.
You're a suburban grandmother.
For God's sakes, you shouldn't
be thinking radical politics.
You should be thinking hip replacement.
It was so cute yesterday
when they talked about
bombing the Pentagon.
You think it's charming that he never...
he never spoke like that
until she got her hands on him.
Oh, you can't legislate feeling.
In China, they do.
Hey, could you two keep it down?
I'm gonna go to bed.
Stop kissing our house guest.
I knew you were spying on me.
I can spy on anyone I want.
This is my house.
What, does Allen need your permission
to fall in love?
Well, ahem, Allen is in love,
and they're going to be married,
and this is gonna be a triangle.
Don't worry. I'm leaving soon.
Hey, soon's not quick enough.
Could you go a little earlier than soon?
You know what? You're the type that,
when the revolution comes, they're gonna
put up against a wall and shoot.
You hear what she's saying?
That's how they treat people.
That's where they go.
They round up all the nice people.
They confiscate, you know, whatever...
their navel oranges,
and if they say
anything, they shoot 'em.
I don't know why I'm
discussing this with you.
I should just call the police.
Yeah, I'm surprised you
haven't, you little fascist.
You even look like the guy in the movies
that always plays the sniveling coward.
Oh, it's his haircut.
Wait. Who am I thinkin' of?
Peter Lorre.
What's going on? Is
everything all right?
I heard shouting.
He's spying on you.
I'm spying on you, not him.
What can I say? Sid, Kay,
I'm wrestling with my feelings.
This really isn't our affair.
How can you say...
You're the one that introduced him
to this Venus flytrap.
All right, I'm not doing this.
I'm not gonna stand here and be judged
by this middlebrow dimwit.
Kay, could I talk to
you just for a second?
Privately.
My wife and I have
no secrets between us.
And you... I don't understand.
You're throwing away a whole career.
Sid, I have to ask you a
serious question, all right.
Man to man, off the record.
Do you think I could
make a living in Cuba?
Where?
In Cuba.
I... I hope I didn't hear what I heard.
Oh, I'm serious.
Do you think I could
make a living in Cuba?
As what?
A leader of a mariachi band?
What about Algeria?
They have no extradition treaty.
They need educated Americans.
Right, in the Casbah.
You'll open the P?p?
le Moko Brokerage Firm.
Why do you think this is so crazy?
Well, you... I just
don't understand this.
You were in love with this girl...
so quickly, it falls apart?
I'm having second thoughts.
Your whole life, you were groomed
for a... a lucrative job.
I know, but could I
enjoy the privileged life
knowing that my brethren are suffering?
Your brethren?
What is this? The Old Testament?
A small plane, at night...
we could cross the border.
You know, I think you've been smoking
too many of those amusing cigarettes.
And Lenny... she mentioned something
about a Piper Cub, a two-seater.
Yes, two-seater, her and the pilot.
What? Are they gonna
strap you to the wings?
She said she had a connection
with somebody who flies.
They own a plane or...
Look, I'm just kicking
around ideas here.
Well, don't kick around
ideas, because this girl
is gonna have us all
in the penitentiary.
I... I haven't even
mentioned this to Lenny.
Don't mention it.
Don't think about it
anymore, if I were you.
I would just get some
sleep, and if, you know,
if you still feel that
way in the morning,
we can discuss a lobotomy.
Sid, there's something about her.
It just turns me on.
Yes, I know. Freud speaks of it.
It's called a death wish.
And... and what did she want?
- What did she want?
- Nothing, really.
Tell me what she wanted.
Nothing, honestly, really.
Don't... she wanted something
that I'm not allowed to hear.
Honey, really, she didn't want a thing.
It was just a little...
tiny little thing.
I'm so exhausted.
Just wait a minute.
I'm not going to sleep
till you tell me what it is.
Does she love him?
She wanted a tiny little favor.
I'm just falling asleep
on my feet, really.
It's gonna happen,
yeah. She's gonna do it.
I know, it's... it's really risky,
but, I mean, I can't stay
here forever, you know.
Okay.
No, she's a good egg. She's...
She's willing.
I can't speak.
I think the idiot just picked up.
---
Hi!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you read the book I gave you?
You know I did. I'm
almost finished with it.
It's funny 'cause I didn't know anything
about Frantz Fanon before that.
Oh, well, you should; everybody should.
Well, there was something that he wrote
that, uh, I was really moved by.
Um, "Each generation
must discover its mission,
"fulfill it, or betray it."
Now, that was pretty good stuff.
I believe it.
Do you know what else he said?
He wrote, "We revolt
"simply because, for many reasons,
"we can no longer breathe."
Is that why you became revolutionary?
You couldn't breathe?
Not this air. I couldn't...
I couldn't stand to breathe the air
of the hypocritical American politics.
Well, I mean, you know, what government
isn't a little bit hypocritical?
My boyfriend, he was always
rushing me to the emergency room.
And everybody thought it was my heart.
So that's when my shrink explained
that it was psychosomatic.
That I was having these panic attacks
from all the hypocrisy around me,
and so that's when I realized that
the whole system is just
too rotten to be saved
and we're gonna have to start all over.
You know, that's a real coincidence,
'cause Sidney, he
gets panic attacks too.
- Who?
- Sidney.
Uh, S. J. Muntzinger.
He's Kay's... Kay's husband.
He's a moron.
No, he suffers a lot.
Yeah, but he suffers
from the bullshit big questions.
You know, like, the meaning of life
and mortality.
I think he's a passive imbecile.
Well, I wouldn't say he's passive.
He votes liberal, you
know, when he votes.
Big deal, a limousine liberal,
I'm... I'm so impressed.
What matters is not to know the world
but to change it.
Wow, somebody learned their
Frantz Fanon very well.
You know what else old Frantz said
that I buy into 100%?
"Violence is man re-creating himself."
You know, if you don't like
the way that the world is,
you have to change it.
You have to change it yourself.
Jesus, Lenny, you know what you are?
You're charismatic.
Yeah, you've got... you've got charisma.
It's amazing.
My Ellie, she has charisma too.
You know, Ellie, my fianc?e.
I've shown you a picture of her, right?
Yeah, she's really beautiful.
Yeah, she... so are
you. You're beautiful.
But you also got something else;
you have something that's very special.
It's like this inner fire, you know?
It's this inner fire; it's almost like
you're a total psychopath but exciting.
Oh, thank you. That is so sweet.
I... it's a compliment, you know?
I mean, it... I mean, you're committed.
You're committed, and I wish I had
an ounce of that fire to move on.
Hey, well, maybe you will someday.
What does your fianc?e
think about all this?
What does she think? She
works at an art gallery.
No, that's good.
Art's a really valuable tool.
Uh, for what?
Propaganda, for the revolution.
Geez, you know, the
thought of real change
just is so exciting to me.
Last night, I was alone.
I was in my bed. I was high.
I was... I was reading
about Fidel Castro.
It was so exhilarating.
Can you believe she put a poster
of Che Guevara up in her room?
Oh, he's her god, and what do you care?
However, I did think he
looked a little overweight.
I care. Okay?
You know, she's for
all the right things.
She's for peace,
she's for blacks, she's for Mexicans,
she's for the rights of women.
Yeah, but she should not
put up stuff on our wall.
You know, she's not entitled.
There's this radical arrogance.
It's not permanent.
When she leaves, you'll put back
your poster of Raquel Welch.
Christ. She's been here ten days.
She... she eats my... my Fig Newtons.
She eats my navel oranges.
My... my sister sent
us some stuffed cabbage;
she ate that.
It's just food.
She's a young girl.
She's got a healthy appetite,
and she happens to like what you like.
Yes, meanwhile,
all she does is criticize me.
And... and, you know, she...
And gives me her opinion on everything.
Well, because you represent
consumer capitalism to her.
To her, you're a stooge
of the oligarchy that runs this country.
So why me and not you?
Because she also believes that men
have kept women down.
Oh, Jesus, and where the hell
does she find such a big
poster of Che Guevara?
She, uh, she got it from
Allen, he went into town,
he picked up a lot of books for her,
and he, uh, picked up the poster.
Jesus, you know, Kay,
Allen's getting very cozy with her.
He likes her company.
They like each other's company.
Yeah, but we told his parents
that we would, you know, look after him.
We promised them, and meanwhile,
she's... she's here with him.
She's got him smoking dope.
She's... she's filling his
head full of radical ideas.
Yesterday, I heard them talking;
she was teaching him
how to make a bomb out of fertilizer.
I mean, Christ, and she gives him books.
You know, there are some
very interesting ideas in those books.
There really are.
They make me think that
we've led a life of such isolation.
Such apolitical life,
such... such a cushy life.
Yeah, but meanwhile, I'm tellin' you,
Allen's developing a crush on her.
Oh, don't be silly.
Allen's gonna marry Ellie.
Uh-huh. You're damn right
he's gonna marry Ellie.
You know, God, his parents
are crazy about her.
She's perfect for him.
She's a lovely girl.
Hey, what happened to the...
the shrimp in black bean sauce
that I brought home from
Wing Yi's last night?
I ate it.
You ate it?
Yep, was it in the little, uh,
a little white carton
next to a box of fried rice?
Yeah.
Finito, done. But you know what?
You should really be thanking me,
'cause at your age,
you shouldn't be eating
rice and sauces; it's
not easy to digest.
You should just put crackers
into a bowl of warm milk.
Oh, my book club.
Oh, I hope they like the books
that I recommended.
Oh, they will.
She's... she's recommending
books to you, Kay?
Kay, do you... are you following this?
- She ate my... she ate my...
- I understand.
She ate your food. She ate your food.
You can afford more black
bean sauce and shrimp.
Coming!
Oh, God, I'm tired.
I didn't get much sleep last night.
Some idiot was up
playing the television set
till 2:00 in the morning.
That was me. Do you mind?
Yeah, I figured.
No one else in this house is dumb enough
to watch baseball from 7:00 till 2:00.
Well, I'm sorry. It was
an extra inning game.
So what?
What do you mean, "So what"?
So I wanted to see
if the Mets would beat the Dodgers.
- Who cares?
- Who care...
I'll tell ya who cares.
Me and millions of Americans,
who love baseball and Thanksgiving
and who figure we can fix the country
without overthrowing the government.
Sports, just another
opium for the people.
Hey, your crowd thinks opium
should be the opium of the people.
You know who plays baseball?
Wilt Chamberlain?
No, no, Fidel Castro... your hero.
I doubt it.
I'm tellin' you, Fidel
Castro plays baseball.
When he's not using the sports stadium
to shoot people.
Okay, well, if you overthrow
a murderous dictator
and create a successful revolution,
I think you can treat
yourself to a double header.
Hey, you don't... you
don't like me, right?
Am... am I reading that correctly?
I don't dislike you.
It's just... everything
that you stand for.
Yeah, but why? I don't understand.
What do I stand for that's so terrible?
I got a house. I got a wife.
I got a car. Okay, I got two cars.
I mean, you know, I
got... I got possess...
you know, like my appliances.
But... but did I...
did I exploit any blacks
to buy my blender?
Did I... did I bomb any Vietnamese kids
when I was young?
I grew up in Brooklyn.
Mr. Popkin had a candy store.
He had a hot fudge machine.
I always wanted a hot
fudge machine my whole life.
I vowed when I got older,
I would have a hot fudge machine,
and now I have one.
And you're not gonna smear
sheep's blood on it either.
You know, you should not
be out here so casually.
Her book club is in there,
and if one of those yentas sees you,
this is all over.
I assume that you've all read the book
I gave you for this week.
Okay, it was given to
me by an acquaintance,
and at first, I didn't want to read it.
I thought I would be bored.
And then I was just
fascinated by its wisdom.
And it is, of course, the...
the "Quotations of
Chairman Mao Tse-Tung",
and its author is, um,
Mao Tse-Tung,
and, anyway, you know, I...
You know who he is, of course.
He's... he's the man who... that jacket,
that extremely stylish little jacket
is named after.
I love those Mao jackets.
Yes, it's very simple but it has
kind of an understated charm.
Yes, well, the Chinese really have
a great visual sense.
Mao's a great man.
Why?
Why is Mao a great man?
Well, if he did nothing else but stop
that hideous practice of foot binding.
Can you imagine having your feet bound?
I bought a pair of shoes
last week at Bergdorf's.
And they fit in the store,
but when I got them home,
they were too small.
You understand that Bergdorf's
is not the same as... as foot binding.
I don't know.
They were very expensive shoes.
And they were at least a size too small.
Tell me about it.
The minute you take them
out of the store, they hurt.
Incidentally, I love the black shoes
you wore to Nancy's sweet 16.
Those were Ferragamo.
They looked like Ferragamo.
Let's get back to Chairman Mao.
The quotation of his that
I really love the most is,
"Politics is war without bloodshed.
"And war is politics with bloodshed."
I think that's so meaningful.
Exactly what does that mean?
I don't know, but I know
it's open to interpretation.
Well, I think it means that war is a way
of settling, um, political
issues with force.
Like they... all the
stuff in Vietnam now.
What political issues
are we trying to settle?
I know. The domino effect.
Why should we send our
grandsons and our sons
to Asia to kill Asian men and women,
just to satisfy the...
the economic desires
- of some plutocrat?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't understand.
Since when have you become so militant
about all this stuff?
I have a friend who I've been talking to
and who has been giving me books.
Does that mean you're on LSD?
LSD?
What are you talking about?
Were our forefathers on LSD
when they went out and shot
their British oppressors?
And let's not forget
the Boston Tea Party.
Speaking of that,
did you read that a study found
that green tea is very good for you?
Much healthier than the kind we drink.
I don't like Chinese's tea.
I do.
Smoked Tea.
Lapsang Souchong.
Have you tried it?
Smoked Tea always
tastes like bacon to me.
I hate it.
I wouldn't care if the Indians threw
all the Smoked Tea overboard in Boston.
Wasn't it people dressed like Indians?
Indians are another minority
that we have exploited and raped.
Yes, we took their land.
Well, you know, this is
a very warlike country.
I mean, remember this, uh,
didn't General Custer... remember him?
Didn't he go and get himself killed?
Uh-huh.
Yes, he was gored by a bull.
No, Gayle, that was Sitting Bull.
A... a bull sat on him?
You know what we should really do?
We should go into town
and lie down in front of the entrance
of the local draft board.
And we stop traffic.
Don't we have to be naked?
Naked, ha! Well, what on...
Why on Earth, to do that?
Well, it's a form of civil disobedience.
Although I'm telling
this group right now,
if we're naked, I have to
lose six to eight pounds.
We'll bring a quart of pigs' blood.
Yes, to smear on the draft records.
It represents the blood of the slain.
I am for it.
When do we do it?
How about next Saturday?
Oh, I can't. We have a Bar Mitzvah.
Oh, yeah, um, Monday, then?
Monday's good.
We lie down...
Naked.
I'm gonna wear a bra and panties,
and that's... shocking enough for me.
I'm gonna burn my bra.
I could bring some snacks.
I... I'm very good with oatmeal cookies.
But not with nuts.
A naked sit-in.
Chairman Mao would be so proud.
What are you thinking?
Nothing. I'm fine.
You're so distant.
Well, mm...
Well, I was thinking
if we should have two kids or three.
I mean, I know we always said
we'd have a boy and a girl,
but it... maybe we're
thinking too small.
We could even adopt one, you know,
and... and that way,
we could pick the sex.
You know, um...
Well, and, of course, after...
after I've experienced pregnancy twice.
Look, don't panic when I say this, okay?
But, um, are we resigning ourselves
to this middle-class life?
You know, the idea of
the home, the hearth,
dogs, kids, all that,
and meanwhile, all over the world,
there's just so much to be done,
and here in our country,
there's so much to fix.
Well, I'm... I'm against the war,
if that's what you're getting at.
I mean, don't you think that America
somehow lost its way?
Well, yes, in many areas, sure,
but it's still the greatest
country in the world.
Yeah, the greatest country on Earth.
I know. I get that.
But, God, what does
that even mean anymore?
Well, where is it better?
I'm not saying that. I'm just saying...
Don't you think as a
rich, strong democracy,
it's our job to lead?
Since when are you so
intense over all this?
I don't know. I just got to wondering,
would we really be happy
living this easy, safe life
in some sanitized neighborhood and...
Well, it's important to
have a social conscience.
It's important to support
the right candidates
and give to the right charities,
but what more can you do?
What more can you do?
God, some of these monks in Asia,
they set themselves on fire, you know?
I don't think your
parents would like that.
Don't you think that some
of these black leaders,
they have a case for reparations?
I... I'm a democratic liberal,
which, in my family, is heresy,
but that's as far as I go.
I'm on the side of the oppressed,
but I'm not willing to
pour gasoline on myself
and light me.
Fine. Take it easy. I'm just...
We're talking here. Relax.
You're getting that
wild look in your eye.
All right, look, I'm not saying that
there aren't wars worth fighting.
Yes, there are, and, God,
Chairman Mao even said it.
"There are just wars, and
there are unjust wars."
Just be careful not to
die in an unjust war.
Who said that?
Mao.
Allen, you're starting
to sound a little crazy.
Like those crazy people
in the Weather Underground
or the Panthers or
that creepy-looking girl
who shot her way out of jail.
I mean, they're...
that's how they think.
They... they're crazy.
You think she's creepy-looking?
Look, honestly, I'm not really
following it that closely.
But, my God, I've never
seen this side of you.
Well, I shouldn't really say that.
You do tend to make
some seditious remarks
when you drink too much.
I have to sneak the call.
Muntzinger doesn't
want me usin' the phone
'cause he thinks it's tapped.
He's a total paranoid.
I can't wait to get outta here
so I never have to hear him complaining
about me eating his Fig
Newton sand navel oranges
ever again.
No, I understand.
I'm gonna get it to you.
I got the location. I got to go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You're back late.
I thought you'd be staying
at your girlfriend's.
We had a tiff.
True love never runs smoothly.
It's weird, you know?
Like, I mean, we rarely fight,
but... I don't know.
This one was about
America's exploitation
of Cuba under Batista, so...
Well, you've certainly read
everything that I recommended.
Yeah. Hey, I got you a book.
- You did?
- Yeah.
"The Life and Times of the Shmoo."
I thought you'd like it.
It's a comic book.
Well, yeah, but it's by Al Capp.
Who's Al Capp, and what's a Shmoo?
Al Capp, he wrote Li'l Abner.
You know, you'll see.
It's funny. You'll like it.
I don't have time for comic books.
My God, you sound like Ninotchka.
You know, not every book
has to be a manifesto.
Hey, Ninotchka, if I remember right,
gets seduced by Western imperialism.
She falls in love with the
opposite of a Communist.
Hey, I'm not a Communist, you know?
The Communists betrayed
their revolution.
Can we take a breather from
politics tonight, please?
It's a beautiful night.
Have you seen the full moon?
No.
Well, you gotta see it. Come on.
All right, you're right.
It's really pretty.
Yeah.
A very, very pretty moon.
It is.
That's a big mistake.
- Why?
- Because.
It's one thing if you
want to hang out with me
or go to bed with me or smoke a joint.
But... you're falling in love.
Kay, he's... he's kissing her.
He's... can you believe
it? He's kissing her.
Will you stop spying?
Oh, I don't understand it.
He's gonna marry a lovely girl.
Why is he kissing a convict?
And will you stop listening in
on her phone conversations?
You think I'm the only one listening in?
You... you don't think
Hoover's on the line?
I can hear J. Edgar Hoover breathing.
Chairman Mao says,"No girl
"is worth achieving
without some effort."
For God's sakes, stop with
the fortune cookies, okay?
I don't... what do I care
what Chairman Mao says?
Okay, I think he's just
a very interesting
political philosopher.
That's not your business.
You're a suburban grandmother.
For God's sakes, you shouldn't
be thinking radical politics.
You should be thinking hip replacement.
It was so cute yesterday
when they talked about
bombing the Pentagon.
You think it's charming that he never...
he never spoke like that
until she got her hands on him.
Oh, you can't legislate feeling.
In China, they do.
Hey, could you two keep it down?
I'm gonna go to bed.
Stop kissing our house guest.
I knew you were spying on me.
I can spy on anyone I want.
This is my house.
What, does Allen need your permission
to fall in love?
Well, ahem, Allen is in love,
and they're going to be married,
and this is gonna be a triangle.
Don't worry. I'm leaving soon.
Hey, soon's not quick enough.
Could you go a little earlier than soon?
You know what? You're the type that,
when the revolution comes, they're gonna
put up against a wall and shoot.
You hear what she's saying?
That's how they treat people.
That's where they go.
They round up all the nice people.
They confiscate, you know, whatever...
their navel oranges,
and if they say
anything, they shoot 'em.
I don't know why I'm
discussing this with you.
I should just call the police.
Yeah, I'm surprised you
haven't, you little fascist.
You even look like the guy in the movies
that always plays the sniveling coward.
Oh, it's his haircut.
Wait. Who am I thinkin' of?
Peter Lorre.
What's going on? Is
everything all right?
I heard shouting.
He's spying on you.
I'm spying on you, not him.
What can I say? Sid, Kay,
I'm wrestling with my feelings.
This really isn't our affair.
How can you say...
You're the one that introduced him
to this Venus flytrap.
All right, I'm not doing this.
I'm not gonna stand here and be judged
by this middlebrow dimwit.
Kay, could I talk to
you just for a second?
Privately.
My wife and I have
no secrets between us.
And you... I don't understand.
You're throwing away a whole career.
Sid, I have to ask you a
serious question, all right.
Man to man, off the record.
Do you think I could
make a living in Cuba?
Where?
In Cuba.
I... I hope I didn't hear what I heard.
Oh, I'm serious.
Do you think I could
make a living in Cuba?
As what?
A leader of a mariachi band?
What about Algeria?
They have no extradition treaty.
They need educated Americans.
Right, in the Casbah.
You'll open the P?p?
le Moko Brokerage Firm.
Why do you think this is so crazy?
Well, you... I just
don't understand this.
You were in love with this girl...
so quickly, it falls apart?
I'm having second thoughts.
Your whole life, you were groomed
for a... a lucrative job.
I know, but could I
enjoy the privileged life
knowing that my brethren are suffering?
Your brethren?
What is this? The Old Testament?
A small plane, at night...
we could cross the border.
You know, I think you've been smoking
too many of those amusing cigarettes.
And Lenny... she mentioned something
about a Piper Cub, a two-seater.
Yes, two-seater, her and the pilot.
What? Are they gonna
strap you to the wings?
She said she had a connection
with somebody who flies.
They own a plane or...
Look, I'm just kicking
around ideas here.
Well, don't kick around
ideas, because this girl
is gonna have us all
in the penitentiary.
I... I haven't even
mentioned this to Lenny.
Don't mention it.
Don't think about it
anymore, if I were you.
I would just get some
sleep, and if, you know,
if you still feel that
way in the morning,
we can discuss a lobotomy.
Sid, there's something about her.
It just turns me on.
Yes, I know. Freud speaks of it.
It's called a death wish.
And... and what did she want?
- What did she want?
- Nothing, really.
Tell me what she wanted.
Nothing, honestly, really.
Don't... she wanted something
that I'm not allowed to hear.
Honey, really, she didn't want a thing.
It was just a little...
tiny little thing.
I'm so exhausted.
Just wait a minute.
I'm not going to sleep
till you tell me what it is.
Does she love him?
She wanted a tiny little favor.
I'm just falling asleep
on my feet, really.
It's gonna happen,
yeah. She's gonna do it.
I know, it's... it's really risky,
but, I mean, I can't stay
here forever, you know.
Okay.
No, she's a good egg. She's...
She's willing.
I can't speak.
I think the idiot just picked up.