Crisis in Six Scenes (2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
The 1960s, American society is brought
to the verge of revolution,
and in the midst of this social turmoil
is Sidney Muntzinger.
Just, you got to trim a little
and take a little off the top.
You know, right here would be very good.
There's not too much on
the top to begin with.
Yeah, no, I know, but you know,
here, I tore a picture
out of a magazine,
and I thought, you know,
if you could do this,
just shape it like that.
That's James Dean.
Yeah, and if you could do that,
you know, I'd like
that kind of cut there.
I can't make you look like James Dean.
No, I know, I don't
expect that, obviously,
but, you know, come as close as you can.
I can work on your hair
for ten years Sidney,
you're never gonna look like James Dean.
I understand Dominic, I get it,
but you know, give it your
best shot, is all I'm asking.
Okay, all right, all right.
So I finished your last novel.
Mm-hmm, okay.
Finally, took all winter.
Why? It was just a novella.
It was not even 200 pages.
Well, I kept dozing off.
Well, you know, you
know, you get up early,
so those hours...
I thought I might have a sleep disorder,
like narcolepsy, you know?
But my doctor said it was the book.
See when I read in
bed, my eyes get tired
unless I'm really gripped, or
at least somewhat interested.
I really... Don't trim the ears.
Leave my ears full, same
size as when I came in.
At least if I care about
the characters, you know,
even one of them.
Well, you know, literature
is a very personal taste.
I wouldn't exactly call it literature,
although I liked it
better than your last one.
Mm-hmm.
This one was at least coherent.
My last one was postmodern, so...
Yeah, it was totally
incoherent, totally.
I wouldn't exactly call
it incoherent, Dominic.
Oh, come on, it was like the ravings
of a madman, a lunatic,
or let's say a guy with
limited intelligence.
Uh, yes, well...
I saw a lot of you in that character.
Yeah, can you just cut the hair?
So you're writing another?
Or did I read your
publisher went bankrupt?
Um, I'm working on an idea
for a television series now.
Ah, probably an easier medium for you.
But don't make the TV show incoherent.
No, I'm gonna do my
best to keep it rational.
- So, you know...
- What's it about?
It's a family thing, you know.
Oh, I see, the usual
dysfunctional family
with the wise-cracking wife and kids
and much-harassed
husband kind of thing?
- Uh...
- Yeah? Yeah.
Good idea. You know what?
Stick with what works for other people.
Let 'em say clich?, what do you care?
You'll be humiliated
all the way to the bank.
I didn't say clich?. It was...
Look, there's no stigma, you know?
Just because a TV series
is considered lowbrow
compared to a book, come on.
Yeah, well, it's, you
know, very lucrative,
and, uh, there's not a lot
of money in novels, so...
No, not unless you're
Salinger, which you're not.
Your wife still work?
Oh, yeah, she sees
people up at the house,
but limited, you know,
not as much anymore.
How do you decide if
someone's marriage goes bad,
between a marriage
counselor and a shrink?
Well, they're very different, you know.
Kay, Kay is a marriage counselor.
A shrink is a completely
different thing.
I love the picture you
showed me of your house,
by the way. It was really beautiful.
I'm a very lucky guy, you
know, when I think of it,
I got a lovely wife.
I got a great marriage.
I got great grandchildren.
I, you know...
I just live... I don't know.
I'm blessed. I'm blessed.
Yeah, so was Job. Then one, two, three,
God fucked him over.
So tell me, Mr. and Mrs. Bellman,
exactly what marital difficulties
bring you here today?
We argue.
We don't argue about material things.
For instance, he wants
to live in the city;
I want to live in the country.
He doesn't want me to
work; I want to work.
I love sports; she hates sports.
I love movies; she hates movies.
I love restaurants; she
likes to eat at home.
He hates my cooking.
I can't stand his snoring.
I can't stand his terrible jokes.
I hate her laugh.
I hate that she loves to
shop and runs up the bills.
I can't stand that he's
frugal, a cheapskate,
and yet an embarrassing
over-tipper, plays the big shot.
She sleeps with the window open.
I need air-conditioning.
He refuses to travel. He isn't romantic.
He doesn't remember my
birthday or anniversary.
She doesn't find me sexually appealing.
Uh, he can't stand my family.
She hates classical
music and must have a dog,
and I hate dogs.
So, um, are there any
things that you agree on?
Neither one of us likes guacamole.
Okay, that's a beginning.
I mean, it's really
obvious that the two of you
love each other, and I think
we can build on guacamole.
Kay?
I'm home.
Uh, in the office.
How do you like my haircut?
Oh, you got a haircut?
Yeah, you can't tell?
Who do I look like?
What do you mean?
What actor do I look like?
- What actor do you look like?
- Mm-hmm.
Um, let me think for a minute.
Franklin Pangborn.
- Who?
- Franklin Pangborn.
Who is Franklin Pangborn?
He seems sort of a mincing,
effeminate little actor
who plays a floor walker in
movies, and he's just great.
He really is. He has only minor roles.
But he has a silly mustache,
W. C. Fields makes fun of
him in a lot of movies.
That's not what I had in mind, Kay.
Look, look more closely.
Elisha Cook Jr.?
Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.
What's new? Anything happen today or...
Uh, there was a massacre
of civilians in Vietnam.
There was a riot in
a college in Michigan.
And in San Francisco,
there was a bombing
and a jailbreak by
the Black Liberation...
Yeah, but did anything
happen at home, any good news,
anything interesting, or...
Yes, they fixed the television set.
Oh, great.
So right in time for the
baseball season, terrific.
Yes, baseball all day long today.
- Oh, the girls.
- Who's that?
The girls, the girls are here.
Oh, God, not that silly book club.
Oh, it takes only an hour,
and Jane and Doug are coming over
and they're gonna bring
steaks, and you can grill
on your new barbecue and work it out.
Hello, hi. Come on in!
Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Hi. Hi, sweetie.
- Hello. Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So...
- Yeah.
He wakes up one morning,
and he's turned into a giant cockroach.
I hate science fiction!
It's not science fiction.
It's supposed to be symbolic.
Right? Or am I reading this wrong?
No, but the author has already
left me behind, I mean...
What does the insect symbolize?
The insect obviously
suffers from low self-esteem.
From guilt.
Could it be from original sin?
Um, have we ever
considered the relationship
of Kafka to his father?
Is he the one who kills his
father and marries his mother?
God, listen to her. That's Hercules.
Oh, Jesus, this is a
state-of-the-art machine,
and I can't work it. It won't work.
Here, here, look at these steaks.
We got 'em shipped in from Nebraska.
You know, I think
we're gonna get a storm.
Let's go in and make 'em in the stove.
Oh, God, why can every
mental defective barbecue,
and I can't get the barbecue to go?
I didn't even think you ate steak.
Yeah, I read an article
in a magazine that said
you can add years to your life
if you avoid anything pleasurable.
Jesus, I can't get this thing to work,
It just... no matter what
I do, it doesn't work.
S. J. Muntzinger, he's a
brilliant author, brilliant,
but he can't change a fuse.
Is it true that you began as a writer
for an advertising agency?
He wrote the commercials
for Stillman's Orthopedic Ice Cream.
Yeah, they were trying
to play down the sugar
and fat content, so I
came up with the idea
that if they called it
Orthopedic Ice Cream,
it'd be a big seller.
- I remember those!
- Yeah!
Oh, for starters Allen
and Ellie are gonna be
having dinner with us tonight.
Who?
Allen, the boy
who's staying with us.
Oh him, oh, well,
I wouldn't call him a boy.
He's kind of a boy. I mean, he's young,
and his parents are very
good friends of ours,
and he's taking his
master's in business.
So, uh, they're very conservative,
and NYU is way down
in Greenwich Village,
and they're afraid...
they don't want him
to meet any hippies or druggies, so...
Yeah, he's a very straight kid.
And they're coming down in
about a month to meet Ellie,
who... his fianc?e, and she's
a lovely girl, lovely girl.
Hey, tell 'em who
introduced the two of 'em.
S. J. Muntzinger introduced them.
Yeah, I was downtown at art gallery
and there's this pretty blonde there,
and I'm talking to her,
and she's educated and rich.
You know, I figured
this is it for Allen.
She's a debutante. She came out.
That's all the parents
had to hear, you know?
They think that he's
marrying Grace Kelly.
Oh, that's so great.
So they fell in love?
Yeah, completely.
Oh, I bet they'll have a big wedding.
Oh it's so romantic when
your kids fall in love.
You miss the kids not being home?
Oh, you should see our grandson.
He looks like Robert
Redford, and he's brilliant.
Robert Redford.
You know who you look
like with that haircut?
- I just realized.
- Who's that?
You know the actor Percy Helton?
Who?
Percy Helton.
Percy Helton, I see it.
- Right?
- Yeah, it's perfect!
You know, he always
played a kind of cringing,
squeaky-voiced little loser.
Let's go inside.
We'll cook the steaks inside,
'cause there's gonna be an
electrical storm tonight,
and this is not gonna ever
work, and it's a catastrophe.
Oh, yes, there was
turbulence in the stars.
You know, I did all of
our horoscopes today,
and it said that you and
Kay were in for some kind
of a shocking experience.
Oh, well.
So your parents haven't met hers yet?
Well, actually they've spoken
to each other on the phone,
and they hit it off well.
Oh, a wedding at The Plaza,
it sounds so elegant.
What was the hotel that we
got married in, in New Orleans?
The Scorpion.
The Scorpion.
Where will you honeymoon?
- Um, Europe?
- Mm-hmm.
Rome, Athens.
Oh, Doug and I are going
on a cruise this fall.
Yeah, we're going to the Greek islands.
I know it's silly to
ask if you want to come.
Well, um, Sid on a cruise...
Is the cruise on a boat?
Definitely.
- On water too.
- It's a big boat.
I'm sure, and it doesn't rock,
except as soon as you
get on it, it rocks.
Um, let me say two words to
you, if you're going on a cruise,
food poisoning, okay, inevitable.
And then you're out in
the middle of the Atlantic,
it's 12 midnight, your appendix bursts.
Well, they have helicopters.
They can take you right to a hospital.
You gonna go on a helicopter,
with the little pin that
holds the blades, the little
tiny pin holds those blades?
And you want to be
operated on in a hospital
in some foreign...
You want open-heart
surgery in the Cameroons?
Sid doesn't like to
be any where but home
and in his own little spot
on the bed with a ball game
playing on the television,
and he likes his
routine to be unruffled.
You know, I got to say I agree with him.
So what are you gonna do
after you get your master's?
Allen's going to go into
his father's business.
Oh, what's that?
Um, money management.
Oh, maybe I should talk to your father.
No, his father doesn't handle any client
that doesn't have a million dollars.
- A million dollars?
- Yeah.
That's all right. I've
got, uh, let me see.
It's like, you know, $50, $54, $54.
You guys have to...
You got to excuse us.
- We, uh, should get going.
- Oh no!
We're going to see some
great folk music downtown.
- Oh, folk music, wow.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Well, you're excused!
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- It was a pleasure to meet you.
- You too.
- Lovely to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
- Congratulations!
- Thank you.
There's dessert, right?
Well, so shall we go to
the den and have coffee?
They make such a nice couple.
I know. Ha, to be young again.
Not me, I would not like to be young
and get shipped off to Vietnam.
The news, the news.
Oh, no, don't depress me.
Oh, boy, did you ever think
you'd see America like this?
So polarized, you know, these riots,
uh, black versus white,
uh, male versus female,
young versus old?
These strikes will continue
until the Vietnam War ends,
and there is no end
to this war in sight.
I hate this stupid war.
Oh, I know. You know, our
friends' kids wanted us
to go and demonstrate
in Washington last week,
but I don't know. I think
I'm too old for that.
Well, I would have gone, but Sid...
Yeah, yeah, forget it!
You know, I'm allergic to tear gas.
Well, what about Allen the bridegroom?
I mean, isn't he worried about
being drafted and sent over?
He's 4F. He's got a herniated thing.
- Oh.
- I was always 4F, proud of it.
I was psychologically unfit.
The draft board told him that.
- No.
- You know, I served proudly.
I, uh, have a Purple Heart.
I had a yellow streak.
The revolutionary group
that calls themselves
the Constitutional Liberation Army.
Riots broke out on half
a dozen college campuses
protesting the war
and the present
administration's policies.
They're very nice
people, Sidney and Kay.
Oh, yeah, well, Sidney,
he's one of my father's oldest friends,
and they get along great,
unless the subject of
Vietnam comes up of course.
Sidney's a liberal?
No, Kay is a liberal.
Sid, he's an ostrich,
lives his life with his
head in the sand, you know?
And, Dad, he's that
classic Orange County type.
Oh, God, I love the idea
of living in California.
I've got so many friends out there.
What are you thinking about?
I don't know. Sometimes I just feel this
tremendous guilt over not
getting drafted, you know?
I mean, do I really want to
go into my father's business?
Just, so many of my friends,
they're politically active,
and, you know, we're living
in these exciting times
where things are constantly changing.
Maybe I should go into law school,
do constitutional law, I don't know.
Law is fascinating.
And so many of my classmates,
they're over in Vietnam, and
they're serving and fighting,
and some of 'em are dying, and for what?
Well, you can't think
about that too much.
It'll drive you nuts.
Be thankful you have a herniated disk.
I guess.
I do love that you struggle
with those thoughts.
Struggle's right.
It's enough to drive you crazy.
I love you.
We have to name one of
our kids after Sidney,
or S. J. Muntzinger, as he
pretentiously writes under.
He did introduce us.
Yes, uh, maybe.
He's a great kid, you know?
And his parents should give me a medal
for bringing the two of them together,
because the girl is exactly
what they always wanted for him.
She's bright. She's lovely.
She's educated.
She's cultivated, you know.
She's not one of those
crazy, dope-smoking hippies.
Young love, it's so romantic.
I know. I know. It's sweet to see them.
Do you remember when you were trying
to get me away from Henry Goodwin?
You killed yourself trying to get...
The fat, the fat, stuttering guy
that had the crush on you, right?
Yeah, he proposed to
me. He proposed to me.
But what happened to him? My God.
He won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry
and then made a billion dollars
over some drug he invented.
Oh, well, you're lucky you
didn't wind up with him then,
because, you know, you
got me instead, so...
No, I do have you, and
I'm very, very happy
to have the man, the
man who wrote commercials
for the ad agency.
That's right. It may
not be a Nobel Prize,
but I did win something
for my commercial
for the Earl of Sussex Frozen Fishbowls.
- Yeah.
- Let's now forget that.
You know, I always thought
that it would have been
much better if they
were smaller fishbowls,
because then that
way, not so many people
would have choked on them.
Yes, that was a little problem
for the company for a while that we did.
Uh, all I know is
that I wound up finally
with the right woman, the right wife.
- Oh.
- Could not be happier.
We, we are very, very lucky people.
Shall I say my prayers in the event
that there's a God and I've
been wrong all these years?
Do you think we should've...
Do you think we should've
gone to Washington
to demonstrate?
Right, get some sleep.
God bless the Muntzinger household.
Yes, if you're listening,
that goes double for me.
And if you happen to think
of any new tax loopholes
my accountant hasn't thought of,
just slip it into my dream tonight.
Good night, honey. Sweet dreams.
Ah, good night, good night.
Hey, you know, you know who came up,
whose name today when I was...
Ugh, so tired.
You know who my barber mentioned today
in conjunction with me?
Job. Can you believe that?
Well, good night, honey.
Oh, good night, good night.
Jesus, oh, my God.
What? What happened?
I forgot to turn the alarm on.
How could you forget
to turn the alarm on?
You've turned it on every night
since we moved in here 26 years ago.
I know, but, you know,
better safe than sorry.
Oh, don't, don't be paranoid.
- Really, just relax.
- God, I'm...
I'm not paranoid, but I'm so tired,
I don't believe any...
Honey, honey, don't be an old lady.
Lie back down again.
You're gonna survive one
night without a burglar alarm.
Oh, geez.
I wish I hadn't read "In Cold Blood".
You know, they cut Mr. Clutter's throat.
Okay. All right.
Go downstairs and turn
the burglar alarm on,
because we're not gonna
get any sleep until you do.
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Go ahead.
No, my shrink thinks I'm
paranoid, so I'm just...
I'm too tired.
That's fine.
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?
What?
Why are you waking me?
I thought I heard something.
No, it's nothing.
It's nothing. Leave me alone.
Go to sleep.
Believe me, there's nothin' doin'.
to the verge of revolution,
and in the midst of this social turmoil
is Sidney Muntzinger.
Just, you got to trim a little
and take a little off the top.
You know, right here would be very good.
There's not too much on
the top to begin with.
Yeah, no, I know, but you know,
here, I tore a picture
out of a magazine,
and I thought, you know,
if you could do this,
just shape it like that.
That's James Dean.
Yeah, and if you could do that,
you know, I'd like
that kind of cut there.
I can't make you look like James Dean.
No, I know, I don't
expect that, obviously,
but, you know, come as close as you can.
I can work on your hair
for ten years Sidney,
you're never gonna look like James Dean.
I understand Dominic, I get it,
but you know, give it your
best shot, is all I'm asking.
Okay, all right, all right.
So I finished your last novel.
Mm-hmm, okay.
Finally, took all winter.
Why? It was just a novella.
It was not even 200 pages.
Well, I kept dozing off.
Well, you know, you
know, you get up early,
so those hours...
I thought I might have a sleep disorder,
like narcolepsy, you know?
But my doctor said it was the book.
See when I read in
bed, my eyes get tired
unless I'm really gripped, or
at least somewhat interested.
I really... Don't trim the ears.
Leave my ears full, same
size as when I came in.
At least if I care about
the characters, you know,
even one of them.
Well, you know, literature
is a very personal taste.
I wouldn't exactly call it literature,
although I liked it
better than your last one.
Mm-hmm.
This one was at least coherent.
My last one was postmodern, so...
Yeah, it was totally
incoherent, totally.
I wouldn't exactly call
it incoherent, Dominic.
Oh, come on, it was like the ravings
of a madman, a lunatic,
or let's say a guy with
limited intelligence.
Uh, yes, well...
I saw a lot of you in that character.
Yeah, can you just cut the hair?
So you're writing another?
Or did I read your
publisher went bankrupt?
Um, I'm working on an idea
for a television series now.
Ah, probably an easier medium for you.
But don't make the TV show incoherent.
No, I'm gonna do my
best to keep it rational.
- So, you know...
- What's it about?
It's a family thing, you know.
Oh, I see, the usual
dysfunctional family
with the wise-cracking wife and kids
and much-harassed
husband kind of thing?
- Uh...
- Yeah? Yeah.
Good idea. You know what?
Stick with what works for other people.
Let 'em say clich?, what do you care?
You'll be humiliated
all the way to the bank.
I didn't say clich?. It was...
Look, there's no stigma, you know?
Just because a TV series
is considered lowbrow
compared to a book, come on.
Yeah, well, it's, you
know, very lucrative,
and, uh, there's not a lot
of money in novels, so...
No, not unless you're
Salinger, which you're not.
Your wife still work?
Oh, yeah, she sees
people up at the house,
but limited, you know,
not as much anymore.
How do you decide if
someone's marriage goes bad,
between a marriage
counselor and a shrink?
Well, they're very different, you know.
Kay, Kay is a marriage counselor.
A shrink is a completely
different thing.
I love the picture you
showed me of your house,
by the way. It was really beautiful.
I'm a very lucky guy, you
know, when I think of it,
I got a lovely wife.
I got a great marriage.
I got great grandchildren.
I, you know...
I just live... I don't know.
I'm blessed. I'm blessed.
Yeah, so was Job. Then one, two, three,
God fucked him over.
So tell me, Mr. and Mrs. Bellman,
exactly what marital difficulties
bring you here today?
We argue.
We don't argue about material things.
For instance, he wants
to live in the city;
I want to live in the country.
He doesn't want me to
work; I want to work.
I love sports; she hates sports.
I love movies; she hates movies.
I love restaurants; she
likes to eat at home.
He hates my cooking.
I can't stand his snoring.
I can't stand his terrible jokes.
I hate her laugh.
I hate that she loves to
shop and runs up the bills.
I can't stand that he's
frugal, a cheapskate,
and yet an embarrassing
over-tipper, plays the big shot.
She sleeps with the window open.
I need air-conditioning.
He refuses to travel. He isn't romantic.
He doesn't remember my
birthday or anniversary.
She doesn't find me sexually appealing.
Uh, he can't stand my family.
She hates classical
music and must have a dog,
and I hate dogs.
So, um, are there any
things that you agree on?
Neither one of us likes guacamole.
Okay, that's a beginning.
I mean, it's really
obvious that the two of you
love each other, and I think
we can build on guacamole.
Kay?
I'm home.
Uh, in the office.
How do you like my haircut?
Oh, you got a haircut?
Yeah, you can't tell?
Who do I look like?
What do you mean?
What actor do I look like?
- What actor do you look like?
- Mm-hmm.
Um, let me think for a minute.
Franklin Pangborn.
- Who?
- Franklin Pangborn.
Who is Franklin Pangborn?
He seems sort of a mincing,
effeminate little actor
who plays a floor walker in
movies, and he's just great.
He really is. He has only minor roles.
But he has a silly mustache,
W. C. Fields makes fun of
him in a lot of movies.
That's not what I had in mind, Kay.
Look, look more closely.
Elisha Cook Jr.?
Forget it. Forget it. Forget it.
What's new? Anything happen today or...
Uh, there was a massacre
of civilians in Vietnam.
There was a riot in
a college in Michigan.
And in San Francisco,
there was a bombing
and a jailbreak by
the Black Liberation...
Yeah, but did anything
happen at home, any good news,
anything interesting, or...
Yes, they fixed the television set.
Oh, great.
So right in time for the
baseball season, terrific.
Yes, baseball all day long today.
- Oh, the girls.
- Who's that?
The girls, the girls are here.
Oh, God, not that silly book club.
Oh, it takes only an hour,
and Jane and Doug are coming over
and they're gonna bring
steaks, and you can grill
on your new barbecue and work it out.
Hello, hi. Come on in!
Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Hi. Hi, sweetie.
- Hello. Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So...
- Yeah.
He wakes up one morning,
and he's turned into a giant cockroach.
I hate science fiction!
It's not science fiction.
It's supposed to be symbolic.
Right? Or am I reading this wrong?
No, but the author has already
left me behind, I mean...
What does the insect symbolize?
The insect obviously
suffers from low self-esteem.
From guilt.
Could it be from original sin?
Um, have we ever
considered the relationship
of Kafka to his father?
Is he the one who kills his
father and marries his mother?
God, listen to her. That's Hercules.
Oh, Jesus, this is a
state-of-the-art machine,
and I can't work it. It won't work.
Here, here, look at these steaks.
We got 'em shipped in from Nebraska.
You know, I think
we're gonna get a storm.
Let's go in and make 'em in the stove.
Oh, God, why can every
mental defective barbecue,
and I can't get the barbecue to go?
I didn't even think you ate steak.
Yeah, I read an article
in a magazine that said
you can add years to your life
if you avoid anything pleasurable.
Jesus, I can't get this thing to work,
It just... no matter what
I do, it doesn't work.
S. J. Muntzinger, he's a
brilliant author, brilliant,
but he can't change a fuse.
Is it true that you began as a writer
for an advertising agency?
He wrote the commercials
for Stillman's Orthopedic Ice Cream.
Yeah, they were trying
to play down the sugar
and fat content, so I
came up with the idea
that if they called it
Orthopedic Ice Cream,
it'd be a big seller.
- I remember those!
- Yeah!
Oh, for starters Allen
and Ellie are gonna be
having dinner with us tonight.
Who?
Allen, the boy
who's staying with us.
Oh him, oh, well,
I wouldn't call him a boy.
He's kind of a boy. I mean, he's young,
and his parents are very
good friends of ours,
and he's taking his
master's in business.
So, uh, they're very conservative,
and NYU is way down
in Greenwich Village,
and they're afraid...
they don't want him
to meet any hippies or druggies, so...
Yeah, he's a very straight kid.
And they're coming down in
about a month to meet Ellie,
who... his fianc?e, and she's
a lovely girl, lovely girl.
Hey, tell 'em who
introduced the two of 'em.
S. J. Muntzinger introduced them.
Yeah, I was downtown at art gallery
and there's this pretty blonde there,
and I'm talking to her,
and she's educated and rich.
You know, I figured
this is it for Allen.
She's a debutante. She came out.
That's all the parents
had to hear, you know?
They think that he's
marrying Grace Kelly.
Oh, that's so great.
So they fell in love?
Yeah, completely.
Oh, I bet they'll have a big wedding.
Oh it's so romantic when
your kids fall in love.
You miss the kids not being home?
Oh, you should see our grandson.
He looks like Robert
Redford, and he's brilliant.
Robert Redford.
You know who you look
like with that haircut?
- I just realized.
- Who's that?
You know the actor Percy Helton?
Who?
Percy Helton.
Percy Helton, I see it.
- Right?
- Yeah, it's perfect!
You know, he always
played a kind of cringing,
squeaky-voiced little loser.
Let's go inside.
We'll cook the steaks inside,
'cause there's gonna be an
electrical storm tonight,
and this is not gonna ever
work, and it's a catastrophe.
Oh, yes, there was
turbulence in the stars.
You know, I did all of
our horoscopes today,
and it said that you and
Kay were in for some kind
of a shocking experience.
Oh, well.
So your parents haven't met hers yet?
Well, actually they've spoken
to each other on the phone,
and they hit it off well.
Oh, a wedding at The Plaza,
it sounds so elegant.
What was the hotel that we
got married in, in New Orleans?
The Scorpion.
The Scorpion.
Where will you honeymoon?
- Um, Europe?
- Mm-hmm.
Rome, Athens.
Oh, Doug and I are going
on a cruise this fall.
Yeah, we're going to the Greek islands.
I know it's silly to
ask if you want to come.
Well, um, Sid on a cruise...
Is the cruise on a boat?
Definitely.
- On water too.
- It's a big boat.
I'm sure, and it doesn't rock,
except as soon as you
get on it, it rocks.
Um, let me say two words to
you, if you're going on a cruise,
food poisoning, okay, inevitable.
And then you're out in
the middle of the Atlantic,
it's 12 midnight, your appendix bursts.
Well, they have helicopters.
They can take you right to a hospital.
You gonna go on a helicopter,
with the little pin that
holds the blades, the little
tiny pin holds those blades?
And you want to be
operated on in a hospital
in some foreign...
You want open-heart
surgery in the Cameroons?
Sid doesn't like to
be any where but home
and in his own little spot
on the bed with a ball game
playing on the television,
and he likes his
routine to be unruffled.
You know, I got to say I agree with him.
So what are you gonna do
after you get your master's?
Allen's going to go into
his father's business.
Oh, what's that?
Um, money management.
Oh, maybe I should talk to your father.
No, his father doesn't handle any client
that doesn't have a million dollars.
- A million dollars?
- Yeah.
That's all right. I've
got, uh, let me see.
It's like, you know, $50, $54, $54.
You guys have to...
You got to excuse us.
- We, uh, should get going.
- Oh no!
We're going to see some
great folk music downtown.
- Oh, folk music, wow.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Well, you're excused!
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- It was a pleasure to meet you.
- You too.
- Lovely to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
- Congratulations!
- Thank you.
There's dessert, right?
Well, so shall we go to
the den and have coffee?
They make such a nice couple.
I know. Ha, to be young again.
Not me, I would not like to be young
and get shipped off to Vietnam.
The news, the news.
Oh, no, don't depress me.
Oh, boy, did you ever think
you'd see America like this?
So polarized, you know, these riots,
uh, black versus white,
uh, male versus female,
young versus old?
These strikes will continue
until the Vietnam War ends,
and there is no end
to this war in sight.
I hate this stupid war.
Oh, I know. You know, our
friends' kids wanted us
to go and demonstrate
in Washington last week,
but I don't know. I think
I'm too old for that.
Well, I would have gone, but Sid...
Yeah, yeah, forget it!
You know, I'm allergic to tear gas.
Well, what about Allen the bridegroom?
I mean, isn't he worried about
being drafted and sent over?
He's 4F. He's got a herniated thing.
- Oh.
- I was always 4F, proud of it.
I was psychologically unfit.
The draft board told him that.
- No.
- You know, I served proudly.
I, uh, have a Purple Heart.
I had a yellow streak.
The revolutionary group
that calls themselves
the Constitutional Liberation Army.
Riots broke out on half
a dozen college campuses
protesting the war
and the present
administration's policies.
They're very nice
people, Sidney and Kay.
Oh, yeah, well, Sidney,
he's one of my father's oldest friends,
and they get along great,
unless the subject of
Vietnam comes up of course.
Sidney's a liberal?
No, Kay is a liberal.
Sid, he's an ostrich,
lives his life with his
head in the sand, you know?
And, Dad, he's that
classic Orange County type.
Oh, God, I love the idea
of living in California.
I've got so many friends out there.
What are you thinking about?
I don't know. Sometimes I just feel this
tremendous guilt over not
getting drafted, you know?
I mean, do I really want to
go into my father's business?
Just, so many of my friends,
they're politically active,
and, you know, we're living
in these exciting times
where things are constantly changing.
Maybe I should go into law school,
do constitutional law, I don't know.
Law is fascinating.
And so many of my classmates,
they're over in Vietnam, and
they're serving and fighting,
and some of 'em are dying, and for what?
Well, you can't think
about that too much.
It'll drive you nuts.
Be thankful you have a herniated disk.
I guess.
I do love that you struggle
with those thoughts.
Struggle's right.
It's enough to drive you crazy.
I love you.
We have to name one of
our kids after Sidney,
or S. J. Muntzinger, as he
pretentiously writes under.
He did introduce us.
Yes, uh, maybe.
He's a great kid, you know?
And his parents should give me a medal
for bringing the two of them together,
because the girl is exactly
what they always wanted for him.
She's bright. She's lovely.
She's educated.
She's cultivated, you know.
She's not one of those
crazy, dope-smoking hippies.
Young love, it's so romantic.
I know. I know. It's sweet to see them.
Do you remember when you were trying
to get me away from Henry Goodwin?
You killed yourself trying to get...
The fat, the fat, stuttering guy
that had the crush on you, right?
Yeah, he proposed to
me. He proposed to me.
But what happened to him? My God.
He won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry
and then made a billion dollars
over some drug he invented.
Oh, well, you're lucky you
didn't wind up with him then,
because, you know, you
got me instead, so...
No, I do have you, and
I'm very, very happy
to have the man, the
man who wrote commercials
for the ad agency.
That's right. It may
not be a Nobel Prize,
but I did win something
for my commercial
for the Earl of Sussex Frozen Fishbowls.
- Yeah.
- Let's now forget that.
You know, I always thought
that it would have been
much better if they
were smaller fishbowls,
because then that
way, not so many people
would have choked on them.
Yes, that was a little problem
for the company for a while that we did.
Uh, all I know is
that I wound up finally
with the right woman, the right wife.
- Oh.
- Could not be happier.
We, we are very, very lucky people.
Shall I say my prayers in the event
that there's a God and I've
been wrong all these years?
Do you think we should've...
Do you think we should've
gone to Washington
to demonstrate?
Right, get some sleep.
God bless the Muntzinger household.
Yes, if you're listening,
that goes double for me.
And if you happen to think
of any new tax loopholes
my accountant hasn't thought of,
just slip it into my dream tonight.
Good night, honey. Sweet dreams.
Ah, good night, good night.
Hey, you know, you know who came up,
whose name today when I was...
Ugh, so tired.
You know who my barber mentioned today
in conjunction with me?
Job. Can you believe that?
Well, good night, honey.
Oh, good night, good night.
Jesus, oh, my God.
What? What happened?
I forgot to turn the alarm on.
How could you forget
to turn the alarm on?
You've turned it on every night
since we moved in here 26 years ago.
I know, but, you know,
better safe than sorry.
Oh, don't, don't be paranoid.
- Really, just relax.
- God, I'm...
I'm not paranoid, but I'm so tired,
I don't believe any...
Honey, honey, don't be an old lady.
Lie back down again.
You're gonna survive one
night without a burglar alarm.
Oh, geez.
I wish I hadn't read "In Cold Blood".
You know, they cut Mr. Clutter's throat.
Okay. All right.
Go downstairs and turn
the burglar alarm on,
because we're not gonna
get any sleep until you do.
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Go ahead.
No, my shrink thinks I'm
paranoid, so I'm just...
I'm too tired.
That's fine.
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?
What?
Why are you waking me?
I thought I heard something.
No, it's nothing.
It's nothing. Leave me alone.
Go to sleep.
Believe me, there's nothin' doin'.