Bottom (1991–1995): Season 3, Episode 3 - Bottom - full transcript

Richie and Eddie are going on holiday to Bridlington! well a English coastal town that is 25 miles from Doncaster. Excited about the holiday, Richie and Eddie begin planning their holiday and decide what they are going to do and what they are going to take with them.

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Who'd have believed it ?
A late booking, standby, 75% discount !

That's what you get for haggling !

A kick in the bollocks ?

He merely fell and steadied himself
by putting his boot into my testicles !

Ow !

There's no arguing with that.
75% discount on a heat seeker's bronze-athon !

A nine-day special of sun, sea, sand and sex !

Bridlington won't know what's hit it !

Look at that. Only 25 minutes to the beach !

By car.

- I thought Bridlington was on the coast.
- It is.



So it means 25 minutes from Bridlington.

Hmm. What's the address ?

Doncaster.

I've never been there, but it sounds romantic.

And, hey, Eddie, it's got a "dong"
in it ! Lucky omen !

We're in the luck all right.

If we hadn't been spotted filling
our glasses from the drip tray,

we'd never have scarpered down that alley
and bumped into Dodgy Bob McMayday,

the most violent travel agent in the world.

It only cost us ?4,000 !

We haven't actually got ?4,000, have we ?

That's why he gave us a good deal.

What, give him the money
by Christmas or we die ?

Yeah ! Oh, we're going on holiday !



God, it's so exciting !
The coach leaves at midnight.

Put the kettle on and I'll make a list
of what we need to nick for the beach.

Number one, suntan lotion.

We're going to Bridlington - well, Doncaster.
We won't need suntan lotion !

Yes... Drizzle oil, then !

Gloom juice !

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Wind smear !

Wind smear ? We don't need to take
the contents of your underpants.

Well, actually, that's where you're wrong.

If you think carefully about it, we WILL
need to take the contents of my underpants !

Aren't we having a great time ?

That's what makes the English great -
laughing at adversity.

If we were millionaires living in Bermuda,
we wouldn't have found that funny.

No. What else do we need for the beach ?

- Tetanus jabs.
- Ooh, yes !

Better make an appointment
to see Dr Wildthroat for a booster.

- He's not a doctor of medicine.
- I know, but he's cheap.

He gave you rabies last year.

But it only cost three quid.
Beggars can't be choosers !

No, but they can froth at the mouth
and eat the furniture.

What else ? Industrial wellingtons.
Gas masks. Full radiation suits, really.

It's not like it was in my childhood.

Ooh ! Condoms !

We can take last year's, can't we ?

Have we got any left ?

Yeah.

All of 'em.

Thank God for that.
I just hate going to the chemist's.

Keep thinking my mum will find out.

Buying johnnies is a constant embarrassment.

What do you mean ?
You've only done it once and that was in 1977.

It was a bloody convincing performance.

That shop assistant thought I was French.

Maybe that's why you came out
with 50 tubes of pile cream as well.

Well, maybe my mime was a little indistinct.

It was worth a day trip to Birmingham
just to find a chemist who didn't know us.

It was a long way round just to buy
a pack of johnnies we never use,

but there's been no piles
in this house since 1977 !

Yeah. We can sit down with a thump
as merrily as we like !

And we've still got the johnnies as a souvenir !

- Hooray !
- That's what makes the English great.

- What, not having piles ?
- Yes !

- Richie, you have gone insane.
- I'm just over-excited about the holiday.

- I wonder what we'll do ?
- The same as we normally do.

Sit about in the boarding house
till the rain stops, then dash to the bookies.

Yeah ! I can't wait !

Do you think the landlady will be
like the one we had last year ?

What, you mean dead ?

No, I mean before the accident.
Did you ever get your lighter back ?

No, they kept it for the inquest.

Did they ?

She was a sweetheart, wasn't she ?
Do you remember her last words ?

"Mr Hitler, do you know anything
about gas leaks ?"

Click, click, click, boom !

Still, it was the first time
we were warm on that holiday.

- Yes, yes. Ha-ha-ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Right. Where shall we put
the tickets so we can't find them ?

That was the wrong way round !
I'm getting so over-excited !

I'd better sit down. Da-da !

Another victory for the piles cream !

Where is the safest place in the house ?

- In the tin with the johnnies.
- Of course. You're a genius, Eddie !

There.

Right, I'm off upstairs to try on
me swimming trunks. Give 'em an airing.

Get 'em used to the old swagger.

That'll give me enough time to make
a deviously mischievous phone call.

That's right, Cher, me proud Hollywood beauty.

A two-week bunk up with me
in sunny Doncaster.

I'll bring the vodka.
You bring those saucy bits of string.

What do you say ?

Yes ?

Oh, God !

If only this was plugged in !

Eddie ! Eddie !

Help !

I've got my swimming trunks on.

I have no particular interest in seeing them.

The thing is, they're so tight, I can't get 'em off.

It feels like I'm being garrotted.

I hope I don't sneeze. I'll be sliced in three !

All right. I'll get the pepper and a camera.

Eddie, this is no laughing matter !

God, I mustn't shout !
I nearly ingested myself then !

You've got to help me get 'em off.

What ?

Let's have a look, then.

There.

Where are they ?

That's the thing. They're so tight,
you can't actually see them.

I know they're on - I can feel 'em.
Boy, can I feel 'em !

They must be somewhere under all these folds.

All right. Close, close !

What colour are they ?

They were yellow when I put 'em on.

- Bend over and I'll get me tool kit.
- Thanks, Eddie.

Why did you make me buy a thong ?

Here goes.

I think I've got a purchase.

- I'll have to burn them off.
- Anything. Just make it quick.

I'm losing consciousness.
My legs are going to sleep.

Well, this should wake them up.

Aagh !

There we go. There we are.

Here's the little fella
that was causing all the trouble.

Thank God they're off !

In future, I'll have to own up
to not being quite a 26 waist any more !

26 ? What's that in, feet, yards, miles ?

Look at that !

Who invented the thong ?

Sadist ! It's like wrapping
cheese wire round your tackle.

Even though I had it on, I could
still be done for indecent exposure.

Hey, that's a thought, Eddie.
Do you think Bridlington's topless ?

No. You should bring your bra.

Ha-ha-ha

OK, so my pectorals are
a little flabby at the moment.

That is a point, Eddie.

Us guys, we're going
to Bridlington to get laid, right ?

One snag.

Not many people are gonna want to shag

two fat, balding, sweaty rubber
johnnies full of custard, are they ?

- No.
- No, because we're not rich.

If we want to score, we'll have to hit that beach

like two greased cougars
from the planet Big Bollocks

who've just been sacked from
The Chippendales for being too sexy !

- Tricky.
- Exactement, mon brave.

Nil desperandum.
There's a way out of everything.

- Yeah, usually the lavvy window.
- Shut up.

To achieve the bod that birds will kill
to wriggle on, we've only one option.

Buy them 17 gin and tonics
and lie about our income ?

No, Eddie. We're going
to have to lose some weight.

- Why don't you just stay at home ?
- Right. Where's my manuals ?

"Joy of Sex", "More Joy of Sex",
"Cooking in the Nude"...

Here we are.
"German Luftwaffe Air Force Exercises".

- This belonged to my dad.
- Was he in the war ?

Very much so. He got hit
during the Blitz, you know.

Did he ?

Yes. By an air raid warden.
He wouldn't turn his light out.

Good old Dad. He won the fight !

My mum and dad, Eddie... My mum and dad...

There was a romance.
It was a fleeting wartime romance.

- They were only together...
- Five minutes ?

If that. Ships in the night, Eddie.
Ships in the night. He was pissed.

Wandered into the Ladies.
Off came her winceyettes.

The johnnie machine jammed. Bim, bam, bom,
whiff of cordite and he was off.

Well, it's all a load of bollocks, isn't it ?

Yeah, it's all a load of bollocks.
Come on ! 20 Luftwaffe press-ups !

Un, deux, trois and achtung !

How are you doing ? Have you started ?

Yeah.

- How's it going ?
- Like a dream.

The sort where you can't do press-ups ?

- That's the one, yes.
- We'll build up to that one.

We'll do some sit-ups.

Hands behind your head and after three...

One, two, three, and...

Better skip that one as well.

It's a wonder they could get
into their aeroplanes after all this !

No wonder they lost the bloody war !
Where did your dad get this book from ?

It's hard to tell. My dad moved
in some very mysterious circles.

He had one leg shorter than the other.

Here's an inscription.

"For all ze good vork you are doing for ze cause.

"Keep it up. Mum's ze word. Adolf."

My dad, Oswald Richard. They don't
make 'em like that any more !

We'll have to change tack.

Only 12 hours to go
and I've got to lose three stone.

- Shall I try combining food ?
- What with ?

- Lager ? The telly ?
- I know. I'm gonna get some liposuction !

Not from me, you're not, matey !

Get a grip ! Get the Hoover and let's do it.

- Are you sure this is wise ?
- What do you mean ?

They do this in Hollywood all the time.

- Do they ?
- Fire her up.

Now, nice gentle circular motions
around the hip area.

Right you are.

That's good. That's working.

Put it on blow ! Put it on blow !

You dirty, dirty bastard !

Quick, Eddie, hurry ! I've nearly reached the bag !

Wagh !

They do that in Hollywood all the time ? Blimey !

No wonder they're all members
of the 12-inch Club !

- We'll have to change tack again.
- How do you mean ?

Look around any modern gym, what do you see ?

Loads of birds with funny underpants
right up their crack.

- No.
- Right up.

- Right up !
- Yes, yes.

That's lovely, Eddie, but what else do you see ?

I don't see anything else.

Not until the police arrive
and prise me off the window.

I got a good 30 minutes
out of that last tube of Superglue !

Weights, that's what you see.
Weights and lifting machines.

And that's what we have here !

This machine will exercise your pecs, your tecs,

your fibula, your timula, your primula...

- Dairy Lea ?
- Everything !

What's that Greek one with the holes in it ?

- Nana Mouskouri ?
- That's it.

It'll do that without stretching your todger out
to three and a half foot !

Let's get on with it.

40 minutes on this and Charles Atlas
will be committing suicide !

Ease up on a couple of yoghurts
in there, would you ?

- Righty-ho, Charles.
- What about that huge wobbly jelly ?

Well, you're standing over there.

How am I looking, Eddie ?

Like a vast mountain of Vaseline
with a heart condition

that's lifted the fridge
a millimetre off the ground.

- Hey, no gain without pain !
- Hang on.

What's that sellotaped
to the bottom of the fridge ?

Looks like that missing blackmail
nudey snap of Desmond Lynam !

Help me lift the fridge.
I want to see Des's hammerhead !

Grab hold of this
and give it a bloody good yank !

Now, this machine should increase
your stamina and lower body strength

so that you can lift the fridge
and look at Desmond's plonker !

OK, Eddie, fire her up.

I'll just take her up to a steady 70.

Ease up gently on the running.
I'm just about to brake.

I should have said that earlier, really.

I've just got to answer the front door, Rich.

You just have a bit of a lie down.
Get your breath back.

And your teeth.
They're over there by the lamppost.

- All right ! Christ Almighty !

It's like walking down a corridor
and answering the door in Nazi Germany !

Have you ever thought
how beautiful the world is ?

Yes, I have. Thank you.

Charming man.

- Edward Hitler !
- It's all right, Richie.

All the birds love a scar.

Really ? It's your lucky day, then, buster !

Let's see how much mischief
you can get up to without any legs !

Look at the time ! I've got to pack !

I've got to lose three stone !
There ain't enough hours in the day !

I'd better take the open crotch ones
as well, just in case.

Is that everything ? No, the sink !

There we are. It's not the kitchen one
but it will have to do.

Wallpaper !
Will they have wallpaper in Doncaster ?

Better safe than sorry. It's the north, isn't it ?

They've probably ripped theirs down and put it
into a hotpot or made it into clogs.

Good !

Eddie ! Could you give me a hand
with these suitcases ?

Wagh !

Good. Saved a bit of time, too.

Eddie, what are you doing ?

I'm sewing my legs back on.

I thought you were masturbating again.

Bugger. I've sewn them on
the wrong way round !

Must I do everything myself ?
All right. Here we go.

I'll chop your legs off again
I'll sew 'em back on

Clench !

Agh !

Come on. Spit spot. Give me
the needle. Give me the thread.

It's not a hobby of mine this, you know !

Don't let it happen again.

I nearly kissed you on the knob then !

Right. The coach leaves at midnight.
What time is it now ?

- Five o'clock.
- Right. Thanks.

So that only gives us seven hours.
Oh, God, I hope we don't miss it !

Right. Set the clock. Just keep
your eye on the clock all the time.

It's only seven hours.

Did I pack ?! Yes, of course I did !

That's an easy mistake to make !

- Are you packed ?
- Certainly am.

Never had any complaints.

I mean, are you packed for the holiday ?

- Oh, yes. That as well.
- Good. Where are your bags ?

I haven't got any bags.
I am wearing everything I need.

Well, everything I have, actually.

But, Eddie...

What about spares ?

I'm wearing them as well.

Are you mad ? What if you have an accident ?

I'll go to the hospital.

No. I mean a trouser accident.

Well, I'll wear yours.

I'm in mine !
Oh, enough mindless trouser banter !

Have you got the wind break ?

No, it's just the way
my underpants were ironed.

What about that thing that keeps the wind out ?

- What, a cork ?
- It's getting too trouserial around here !

For God's sake, just concentrate on the clock !
Just concentrate on it ! Oh, God !

Oh, God ! Have I done everything ?

Uh ! Oh ! Milk !

Milk !

Thank God I remembered !

Sorry, Constable !

Charming ! It's no wonder programmes
like "The Bill" take the piss out of you !

How are you doing ? Still feeling tense ?

- Increasingly so.
- Good. Keep it that way.

Look, look !

There's only six hours 58 minutes to go now !

I suggest we just sit here quietly in silence

and wait for our holiday to start, OK ?

How long does it take to get to the bus station ?

Hang on. I'll go and find out.

Thanks, Eddie.

Haven't quite got used to these legs yet.

I'll just take my darts in case.

Come on ! Come on !

There you go.

Three hours and 15 minutes.

I don't understand it.
The bus station's only two streets away.

Yeah, well... Hic ! The wind was against me.

Isn't it always, young man ?

All right. I'll give it a go.
On your marks, get set, go, baby !

A-ha-ha !

There you are, Eddie.
Twelve and a half minutes !...Eddie ?

Eddie ? What's this ? It's a note.

"Der Richie. I am in the pube
with the holiday monkey. Run, run, run !"

Poor sad git !

Oh, no ! He means the holiday money !
Shit ! Shit !

You've been drinking, haven't you ?

How dare you ?

How dare you accuse me of drinking-ninge ?

Me, your oldest pal and matey old skip !

Old bus fart tram ticket,
one-for-the-road bag of scratchings !

Oops-a-daisy ! We'll keep a welcome
in the valet parking

Mr David "childish" Jensen !

ME, drinking-ninge ?

Why, I'll tear you limb from limb !

You have, haven't you ?

Yeah.

Well, you listen to me, young man.

Listen up, mister, and listen up good,
'cause you're grounded !

Yeah, I know.

Eddie, how could you do this
on our holiday day ?

Concentrate ! You've just got
to stay sober for the next five minutes.

That's when our holiday starts ! Eddie !

Eddie !

Eddie !

E... D... D... I... E !

H... I... T... L... E... R !

FULL STOP !

Please, God ! I just want to look
at Desmond Lynam's todger !

Help me out this once and I'll
believe in you for ever and ever.

Bloody hell, it's working !

Only kidding !

Wow !

Don't get off the sofa !

Oh, dear, oh, dear, Richie.

The frigidaire appears
to have fallen upon your bonce.

You won't be able to go
on the holiday now, will you ?

Don't worry. I'm sure I can find
an alternative use for your ticket.

Come out of there, voluptua of dubious morals !

Let us hurry us to Hammersmith bus station.
We have but three minutes to go.

I can't wait to get to Bridlington
for the snogging and mindless drinking !

That's my bird !

You bastard, Eddie ! It's not even
Desmond Lynam. It's you in a wig !

- You bastard !
- Yep, that's me !