Bob's Burgers (2011–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Tina and the Real Ghost - full transcript
Halloween is coming and Tina plans to go to the cemetery with the older kids...it's a rite of passage. Gene and Louise must have candy! Marcus of 'Hugs Not Bugs' refuses to exterminate the basement at Bob's Burgers...he feels the presence of a ghost. All Bob feels are bugs. Linda and the kids play Ouija board and meet Jeff. Business and Tina's love life are booming: cue the ghost in the machine. Tammy Larsen strikes again and puts Tina down, (down, down, down), Louise feels a pang of conscience. She and Gene give up the pursuit of candy to help their sister. They go to the cemetery: the wrong side of town. That's when the Belcher kids fell for the Leader of the Prank. (Vroom, vroom.)
Two days until
trick-or-treating?
What am I supposed to eat
until then? Other food?
I know. Like what? Like, bread?
I don't know
if I'm gonna go trick-or-
treating this year, guys.
All the bigger kids are hanging
out at the old cemetery.
Hi, Jimmy Jr. Are you going
to the cemetery on Halloween?
what time
were you planning on going?
'Cause I'm planning on going
at that time, too.
I'm going when all
the other kids are going.
Oh, cool.
Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.
But why does everybody want
to go to a stupid cemetery
on a day when you can knock
on people's doors
and they literally
hand you free candy?
And then you kiss them
on both cheeks!
So, just to nail
this thing down,
we're going
to the cemetery together?
Geez, Tina. Everybody's
going at the same time.
We're not going together.
It's a group activity.
Kids go and break
into the mausoleum.
It's a rite of passage!
Mm-hmm. So you think
that's, like, 8:30?
Maybe touch base around 8:15?
I'll just see
you there if I see you.
God, he was all over you.
♪ Ghosts and goblins,
goblins and ghosts, yeah. ♪
This year I got the bats
that are smiling.
It's more realistic.
Why is it more realistic?
'Cause they're happy.
It's their favorite holiday.
They love it.
Hi, I'm the exterminator.
Oh, hi. From Hugs Not Bugs,
the sensitive bug killers.
Well, the name is misleading.
We actually use
a highly toxic chemical.
It hugs them to death,
really slowly.
They suffer. I'm Marcus.
Uh, they showed up
the other day.
I-I don't know what they are.
They're weird.
Uh, everything okay?
This isn't good.
What-what isn't good?
This is very bad.
What is very bad?
This is really creeping me out.
You're creeping me out.
What-What's going on here?
Bobby! Is he
squirting poison?
The kids just got home
and they want to watch.
There is definitely
an otherworldly presence
in this basement.
A what?
A presence.
Wait, are you saying "presence"?
A presence?
Presents?
I always thought there
should be Halloween presents!
No, not presents. A presence.
A ghost. There's a ghost
in this basement.
Yes!
What? A ghost?
Who said "ghost"?!
We have a ghost?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
You need to catch it
and get rid of it.
Like salmon.
Whoa, whoa... Marcus.
Hi. Hello.
Uh, question. Did you say we
have to catch the presence?
Yes.
How does one do that?
First, you got to make contact
with the ghost.
Then you got to try to get it
into a vessel.
A vessel?
Yeah, like a bottle. Or a box.
Oh, a vessel.
Cool.
Can you please get rid
of the bugs first?
Dad! So we get it into
the box. And then what?
Throw away the box in the trash.
Great. Now on to the bugs.
Can you just squirt them
with your thing now?
No way. Those are probably
phantasmal bugs
attracted to the spirit world.
Sure, sure.
Phantasmal bugs.
I'm not going down there.
I got to go.
You cannot be
a real exterminator.
I'm licensed
and I'm running away.
Bye, Marcus!
Bye.
Uh, I'm not paying you for this!
I'll get the Ouija board!
And a box!
And candles!
And some smooth jazz.
Well, the restaurant
is closed. Thank you so much
for not helping out at all tonight.
You're welcome.
I called another exterminator,
not that you care.
So, yeah, just go ahead, do
your capture-the-ghost séance.
Mm-hmm.
- All right,
so here's our vessel.
I brought my Easy
Breezy shoe box.
It used to hold the world's
most comfortable heels.
Now it's gonna hold a ghost.
What a life this box has had.
Okay. Here we go.
We're gonna make contact
with the other side.
I just need one more sip
of my séance wine. Yep.
If you make contact,
can you ask the ghost
if it's any good with a mop?
Ha-ha. Very funny.
Open the door.
Attention, ghost.
We are gathered here today
to help you cross over
into this box.
Kids, put your hands
on the thingy.
is there a spirit
here in this basement?
It's moving!
Great.
They're in here, too.
Hey, guess what.
You're not phantasmal.
You're phan-dumb.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah! Ooh...
What is your name?
- What's your name, baby?
- Stop moving it, Louise.
I know it's you.
I'm not moving it. It's Gene.
It's not me. Ooh!
Look, it's spelling something out.
J...
E...
F...
F.
Jeff. I just got chills.
How old are you, Jeff?
One. Three.
So the ghost is a
13-year-old boy.
That's interesting.
To all of us.
Jeff, do you, uh, want
to check out the inside
of this totally normal shoe box?
I think he's in
the box! Put the lid on it!
Got it. Hello?
Did anybody hear me screaming?
There was a crazy amount of
bugs flying at my face.
Bobby, calm down.
We caught the ghost.
His name is Jeff.
Everything is fine.
Everything is not fine, Lin.
We have a horrible
bug problem in there,
and I'm sick of all
this ghost stuff.
Ghost stuff is over.
Now we do the ceremonial
throwing it away in the trash.
No, wait! Don't!
You can't just throw Jeff out.
Ghosts were people, too.
What if it's Jeff Bridges?
Imagine the money.
Tina, what are you doing?
We're keeping Jeff.
You can keep him, Tina,
but you have
to empty his box every night!
So, Jeff, how's your first day
at school going?
purgatory
or the smell in Tina's locker?
It doesn't smell anymore,
Louise; I got rid of the yogurt.
Why do you guys have
an Easy Breezy's shoe box?
I didn't know it was Take
Your Mom's Shoes to School Day.
There aren't shoes in this box.
It's a ghost. Mm.
You're totally lying. And lying
is bad for your skin, thank you.
Why is everyone looking
at a box? What am I missing?
I'm bored.
Somebody explain it to me quick!
It's a ghost.
His name is Jeff.
It's a strong Christian name.
You have a ghost, Tina?
Oh. Hi, Jimmy Jr.
This is Jeff.
He's a ghost, he's a boy,
and we've been spending a lot
of time together.
Ghosts aren't real.
Yeah. Death is the end.
It's final!
That's right, Zeke.
Yeah, nothing more!
High five!
Really? Well, maybe Jeff
will have something to say
about that. Anyone
want to talk to him?
I do.
Okay. All right.
Hands on the Ouija board,
everybody.
You can ask him anything
you want about the afterlife.
All right. If you're real,
what do ghosts eat?
It's moving.
S...
O... U...
P.
Soup! He's right!
Must be real. Whoa.
This changes a lot for me.
A lot.
Are you okay, Zeke?
No, this is weird.
Well, Zeke's changed.
Who's next?
I have a question. Were you
cool when you were alive?
V... E...
R... Y.
Very! Jeff is cool!
I-I don't
think Jeff is real.
Something smells fishy.
Oh, man.
He got you!
Ghost burn.
That's not funny.
Jeff's funny.
Uh-oh.
Time's up everyone.
Wait, wait.
One more question. Hey, Jeff,
do you want to walk me to class?
You go, girl.
He has a creepy crush on you.
Weird.
We have to call
another exterminator.
Let's go with...
"Beetle Kanevil"?
What is wrong with the
exterminators in our town?
Why don't you ask him?
Marcus!
I just wanted to show this place
to some of my friends.
This is Phil and Don.
Hi.
Wait, what?
They're gonna check it out.
I'm gonna run away.
Bye, Marcus!
Good luck!
I hope you don't die!
He always says that.
What are you doing?
What's all this?
Mm. I'm definitely recording
some EMF traces in here.
We just might have something
substantial on our hands.
Are you
paranormal investigators?
Guilty.
I'm Don,
vice president of
our local chapter.
This is Phil.
He's president. Mm-hmm.
Voted in by a landslide.
One vote. It was me.
Uh, you can't do that stuff
in here. This is a business.
So, Marcus told you about
our ghost. His name is Jeff.
Uh, he's doing great. I
mean, he's adjusting well.
I... Bob, do you think he's...
comfortable? Lin, stop.
There is no ghost.
Oh, boy.
Don, you're gonna want
to take a look at this.
Okay.
This booth is covered
in some serious spectral traces.
My meter's going crazy.
Mine, too.
Of course, it could be cell
phone interference. Mm-hmm.
Or an AM radio. Or a microwave.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But I bet it's a ghost.
Mm-hmm. Oh!
You hear that, Bob? A ghost.
Uh-huh.
Looks like we got
our work cut out for us.
Phil, you think
we should order some lunch?
Burger. Medium well.
Man knows what he wants.
That's why he's president. Ow.
What's going on here?
Um, nothing.
Don't mind them.
Can I help you?
They have a ghost.
We're here to investigate.
No, there's no ghost.
Don't listen
to him. He's...
Honey, they have a ghost.
Let's eat here.
I mean,
yeah, we have a ghost.
Uh, come on in.
Sit down.
We have at least one
in every booth.
Jeff, people are loving you!
Tina's hanging out with the most
popular box in the school.
I don't even care that he's
popular. To me, he's just Jeff.
Bye.
Wait, wait, where are you going?
Oh, I was thinking
of showing Jeff the butterflies
at the science center. You guys
don't want to come along,
do you? Probably not.
Great. Bye.
Jeff, you have my sister home
by 11:00!
Wait, make that 9:00,
8:00 central!
Jeff and I are gonna watch
Kitchen Nightmares.
That's gonna be our thing!
The butterflies are beautiful
this time of year.
The rest of the time,
they're caterpillars.
Are we holding hands?
I can't really tell.
Jeff, you'd tell me
if you were just a box, right?
You're just a box, aren't you?
I'm on a date with a box.
Oh, my God.
Whoa. I'm getting butterfly
kisses from a butterfly.
Is it you, Jeff?
Is this a sign?
- Oh, boy. You really are real.
- What are you doing?
No, no, no.
No eating the butterflies!
What is in the box?
Um... Jeff.
Who's Jeff?
Oh, wow. Um...
you're kind putting us
on the spot here.
Is he a friend?
Is he more than a friend?
We're just enjoying it
right now without labels.
Oh.
I thought it was food or drink.
Enjoy your visit.
Lin, I never thought
I'd say this, but I'm glad
a crazy exterminator
told us we had a ghost.
Big day. People like
your burgers more
when there's a dead person
in the restaurant.
Okay, people.
We're gonna listen
for subsonic metaphysical
phenomena now.
We need everybody
to be very quiet in here.
Except for ghosts.
You guys talk it up.
Hi, everyone! Oh! Ah!
Oh, my. Oh.
Damn it.
We have an announcement.
We're officially dating.
Ooh! Ghost boyfriend!
You'll have to get some
clanking chains for prom. Aw.
Wait. Is there a
ghost in that vessel?
Did you just say
you two were dating?
Dad, you're not gonna like
every guy she brings home.
Mm, I'm getting
some heavy activity.
Of course you are.
It's Jeff. He's like that.
Congratulations, Bob.
He seems great.
Yep. Every father's dream.
Aw.
There he is!
Coolest guy in school.
What's up, Jeff?
Oh, hi, everyone.
Uh, me and my boyfriend Jeff
were just looking
to have a little lunch.
Oh, my God, did you
just say "boyfriend"?
Did I? Oh, yeah, I did. Hmm.
You guys are so cute together!
You're the new "it" couple!
Whoa, people, give
them some space here.
No photos!
Well, Jeff and I
are gonna get in line.
God, just leave him
here for a second.
You're smothering him, Tina.
Let him breathe.
He's already in a box.
Yeah, let him hang out with us.
This ghoul needs some guy time.
Come on, Jeff!
I'm gonna get ya! Get over here,
all right! Oh. Uh, okay.
We'll do our own thing for a bit
and then meet up later.
See you in a few, Jeff.
I'm gonna get you!
Get over here.
Miss you already.
Get your ass up here! Come on.
Careful.
I'm back, Jeff.
Hope you like hot dogs...
Where did Jeff go?
Tammy got some mustard
on Jeff's box,
so she went to wash it off.
You guys, get in here!
I went into the stall
to go number one,
because I never go
number two at school, or at all,
because that's gross,
and Jocelyn clogged the toilet
that one time.
I'm sorry, Jocelyn.
But look what I found
when I came out!
Huh?
"Tina and I are taking a break.
"Tammy, you are hot.
Be my GF."
Wait. What?
Jeff asked me out!
And of course I said "no"
'cause that's not fair to Tina.
Just kidding!
I said yes!
Oh, yay! Oh, my God,
you guys are
the coolest couple in school!
You deserve it.
I guess now I have a hottie
without a body.
Come on, Jeff.
Nobody's saying it,
but Jeff is a scoundrel!
He's buried, not married!
I can't believe
Jeff dumped me for Tammy.
Since when can Jeff
write on mirrors?
I'm pretty sure
that's his handwriting.
It's girly, but it's just
'cause he's sensitive.
The girl's bathroom is nice!
Each stall has a
tiny metal mailbox.
I'm glad I was carrying
around that postcard for Ken.
I don't know how I'm gonna make
it through the rest of the day.
Come on, Tina,
get off the floor.
What's the big deal?
He's not even...
hot... for a box.
That's not what I care about.
I care about what's inside.
Also, we don't know if that's
water or urine you're lying in.
I think it's just water.
Yeah, water.
No, pee.
Tina, they're gonna do
an ultrasound on your box.
The box didn't quite make
it home with us today.
Kids, there's a lot of people
who are very focused on the box.
Where's the box?
Did he switch vessels?
No, he didn't switch vessels.
He switched girlfriends!
To an annoying girl named Tammy!
Ugh! I hate
his stupid ghost face!
He dumped you?!
I'm gonna kill him. Again.
Oh, I knew this would happen.
Sort of.
Spirit appears
to be a bit of a player.
Tina's gonna be okay.
I made her a PB and J.
She said she didn't want it,
so I ate it.
She was still sad,
so I made her another PB and J.
She didn't want that one either,
so I ate it. Anyway,
Tina wants to be alone
for a little while,
and we're out of peanut butter.
Guys, I hate to break
your hearts, too,
but Jeff isn't real.
What are you talking about?
I was controlling
the Ouija Board.
I was messing with you guys.
Yeah. I thought
that was pretty obvious.
I named him Jeff.
It's the stupidest name
for a ghost I could think of.
Of course.
Oh, yeah.
I know Jeff's not real.
It was Louise. Sure.
Wait, so let me
get this straight.
His name's not Jeff,
but he's real.
No, Gene, there is no Jeff!
I just thought
it would be funny.
I didn't think Tina would
fall in love with him.
And I definitely didn't think
Tammy was gonna pull
the same crap as me
but better
with that mirror thing.
And now I'm gonna go tell Tina
and say I'm sorry,
and we're all gonna laugh about
this someday, right, guys?
I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Lin, why is that not
such a good idea?
'Cause Tina's already
feeling heartbroken right now.
If we tell her the truth, she's
gonna feel heartbroken and dumb.
She got catfished by a box!
So... I'm not telling Tina?
You'll see. You'll all go
trick-or-treating tomorrow.
She'll be fine.
She'll be back
to her normal, teeny Tina.
She just needs nougat.
Happy Halloween!
I'm a witch!
Costume fashion show!
Get out here, kids!
Here comes Gene!
Turner and Hooch.
Half dog, half Hanks, all cop!
More like Turner and Cute.
Come here, you!
Oh, here comes Louise.
Shiny scorpion person. Wow!
I'm Ryan Gosling from the major
motion picture trailer Drive.
So violent,
but so well-reviewed.
And here she is,
last but not least, Tina!
Dressed as a...
pretty glasses girl.
Wait. You didn't change at all.
I'm not gonna go
trick-or-treating, guys.
What? No.
You should go!
Eat your candy.
You need it.
Yeah, no, I'm just gonna
hang out here for a while.
And later, I might
stop by the cemetery.
If I don't show my face now,
I'll never be able to do it.
What? Why would you go there?
Tammy's gonna be there.
And a certain
cardboard box. Ruff!
You guys go ahead
without me. I'll be fine.
I'll just watch other people
have fun on Halloween.
That kid's having fun.
Glad Tina's okay. Time
to go trick-or-treating!
Are you kidding me?
Tina is not okay.
Look at her.
I know what we have to do now.
Tammy's going down,
and she's going down
with a strong dose
of her own medicine.
Which I invented! Love it.
One suggestion.
Can we go trick-or-treating
for a couple of hours,
and then see how we feel?
No, Gene!
Can we just stop for ramen?
Ha, all right!
We're the older kids now!
Hanging out in the cemetery!
Man, in a few years,
we'll be parents!
And I have a serious boyfriend.
So, uh, I guess we're
supposed to break into that
creepy mausoleum, huh?
It's a rite of passage.
Hey, we got a ghost with us.
We're good, right?
Jeff, you know the doorman?
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Oh. Um,
you two have, like, zero out
of ten permission to be here.
You're too young.
Yeah, little fetuses.
Hooch, heel!
Where's Tina?
Crying into her butt?
No.
My butt is dry... and strong.
Ew.
Ruff! Good boy.
Hey, Louise.
Tina, I'm glad you're here.
You're gonna want to see this.
I thought you guys
were gonna go trick-or-treating.
And I thought
you guys were gonna
actually go into the mausoleum.
We're going! We're just... we're
just getting our legs ready.
Look, here they go!
We're about to march right in!
Tammy? Tammy?
What? What?
It's so awkward
that Jeff's ex is here.
It's like so... You could cut
the tension with a knife.
No, like, whatever.
I'm so confident, because
Jeff is, like, so over her.
Come on, legs.
Good, great, come on.
Keep going! You can shake,
but you can't quit on me!
I can't see anything!
Whoa.
Someone just knocked
Jeff out of my hands!
You guys don't even care!
I would care,
but I'm too scared!
Zeke, light the
rite of passage candle.
Here you go! I took it
from my Dad's Jacuzzi tub.
Here's your boyfriend, Tammy.
I found him on the ground.
You should really
be more careful.
Great. Now he's
got ground on him.
Sorry the candle smells
like lavender.
Kind of changes the vibe
a little bit.
Yeah. I'm feeling
really relaxed all of a sudden.
The door slammed shut!
Well, somebody open it!
It's locked!
I can't open it!
No!
Oh, no.
Tina, try it again!
I can't budge it.
It just won't open.
Louise, how'd you do that?
I didn't.
That wasn't part of my plan.
Well, then what was your plan?
I put some bugs from
the basement in Tammy's box.
That's it?
Gene, you were there.
You helped me get the bugs.
I know. I just thought there
was gonna be more to it.
But, yeah, no, it's-it's good.
Oh, my God!
Guys, look at this!
"You are all condemned
to eternal damnation
"in here with me.
"This is...
Jeff!"
Jeff trapped us!
Not cool, Jeff!
Not cool.
'Oh, no! Eternal
damnation sounds bad and long!
It's the worst
kind of damnation!
If you really aren't
doing this, Louise,
Hooch is gonna have an accident.
I swear it's not me.
I knew I shouldn't have taken
Tina's spooky seconds! Ugh!
Got her.
Uh-oh.
This might have backfired
a little bit.
They're on me!
They're on me!
Listen! Listen to me!
I have something to say.
We're not trapped in here
for eternal damnation.
- I wrote that.
- What?!
Jeff the ghost isn't real.
My sister made him up.
Dude, what?!
Oh, my God.
That was me.
Uh, hi, everybody.
The bugs were also me.
Part of me always
kind of thought Jeff was fake.
But then, last night,
when I heard my family talking
about how fake he was,
I realized
that he definitely was fake.
Mm. Ah. Also, it's crazy.
It's a box.
But the things we wanted
from Jeff were real.
I wanted a boy
to pay attention to me
and never leave my side. Ah.
Oh, man.
I wanted to believe that
there's more than this life.
I wanted to believe so bad.
It's okay, Zeke.
Oh, God.
It just means take advantage
of the here and now.
Oh, I hear you, man.
And I wanted someone to watch
Kitchen Nightmares with.
And I just liked him 'cause
everyone else liked him.
I need to start
thinking for myself,
unless you guys don't think
that's cool. Then I won't.
And Tammy wanted
to steal someone away from me
because she's a horrible,
jealous girl.
She's right!
Tammy's a handful!
But we don't need Jeff.
We can get these things
from ourselves.
Ah! I don't need a boy
to pay attention to me.
I'll pay attention to myself.
And, Gene, it's okay to watch
Kitchen Nightmares alone.
And it's okay that
I'm jealous and terrible.
No, no.
Fix yourself!
Holy crap!
Tina, you're amazing.
I can't believe
you planned this whole thing.
You-you shut the door
and pretended it was locked.
You came here early
and wrote this on the wall.
What'd you use, by the way?
Hopefully, not paint.
It's ketchup.
Checks out.
Listen, I'm really
sorry I made up a ghost
that you fell in love with.
It's okay.
It was good practice
for when a real ghost
comes along.
Well, you made this
the best Halloween ever.
And there's still time
to go trick-or-treating!
It's 10:30.
It's too late.
Ah, damn it, Jimmy Jr.!
Why do you always
know the time?!
I have a watch.
Oh.
Quick, to the Pacific time zone!
It's still Halloween
in San Diego!
I'll be honest. I miss Jeff.
Well, Bob,
we have a lot of
data to sift through.
We got to get back to the lab.
Let's, uh, close out
your tab here.
You guys ate, uh, 11 burgers.
All delicious. We were about to
settle the bill with you, too, Bob.
Let's see. We did a beta wave
test, a black light scan
and an audio spectral recording.
With all these
services rendered,
looks like it's gonna be a wash.
Bye, Bob. Bye, Linda.
You can't leave. You have
to pay for your food.
We can't pay you.
Mm. Why?
Should we tell him, Phil?
Mm-hmm.
We've been dead for 12 years.
Oh, my God!
Bobby, they're ghosts!
I knew it.
Bye!
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait. Hold on.
Watch out, Bobby! They're gonna
walk right through you!
Do you take credit cards?
Oh, they're not ghosts.
trick-or-treating?
What am I supposed to eat
until then? Other food?
I know. Like what? Like, bread?
I don't know
if I'm gonna go trick-or-
treating this year, guys.
All the bigger kids are hanging
out at the old cemetery.
Hi, Jimmy Jr. Are you going
to the cemetery on Halloween?
what time
were you planning on going?
'Cause I'm planning on going
at that time, too.
I'm going when all
the other kids are going.
Oh, cool.
Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.
But why does everybody want
to go to a stupid cemetery
on a day when you can knock
on people's doors
and they literally
hand you free candy?
And then you kiss them
on both cheeks!
So, just to nail
this thing down,
we're going
to the cemetery together?
Geez, Tina. Everybody's
going at the same time.
We're not going together.
It's a group activity.
Kids go and break
into the mausoleum.
It's a rite of passage!
Mm-hmm. So you think
that's, like, 8:30?
Maybe touch base around 8:15?
I'll just see
you there if I see you.
God, he was all over you.
♪ Ghosts and goblins,
goblins and ghosts, yeah. ♪
This year I got the bats
that are smiling.
It's more realistic.
Why is it more realistic?
'Cause they're happy.
It's their favorite holiday.
They love it.
Hi, I'm the exterminator.
Oh, hi. From Hugs Not Bugs,
the sensitive bug killers.
Well, the name is misleading.
We actually use
a highly toxic chemical.
It hugs them to death,
really slowly.
They suffer. I'm Marcus.
Uh, they showed up
the other day.
I-I don't know what they are.
They're weird.
Uh, everything okay?
This isn't good.
What-what isn't good?
This is very bad.
What is very bad?
This is really creeping me out.
You're creeping me out.
What-What's going on here?
Bobby! Is he
squirting poison?
The kids just got home
and they want to watch.
There is definitely
an otherworldly presence
in this basement.
A what?
A presence.
Wait, are you saying "presence"?
A presence?
Presents?
I always thought there
should be Halloween presents!
No, not presents. A presence.
A ghost. There's a ghost
in this basement.
Yes!
What? A ghost?
Who said "ghost"?!
We have a ghost?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
You need to catch it
and get rid of it.
Like salmon.
Whoa, whoa... Marcus.
Hi. Hello.
Uh, question. Did you say we
have to catch the presence?
Yes.
How does one do that?
First, you got to make contact
with the ghost.
Then you got to try to get it
into a vessel.
A vessel?
Yeah, like a bottle. Or a box.
Oh, a vessel.
Cool.
Can you please get rid
of the bugs first?
Dad! So we get it into
the box. And then what?
Throw away the box in the trash.
Great. Now on to the bugs.
Can you just squirt them
with your thing now?
No way. Those are probably
phantasmal bugs
attracted to the spirit world.
Sure, sure.
Phantasmal bugs.
I'm not going down there.
I got to go.
You cannot be
a real exterminator.
I'm licensed
and I'm running away.
Bye, Marcus!
Bye.
Uh, I'm not paying you for this!
I'll get the Ouija board!
And a box!
And candles!
And some smooth jazz.
Well, the restaurant
is closed. Thank you so much
for not helping out at all tonight.
You're welcome.
I called another exterminator,
not that you care.
So, yeah, just go ahead, do
your capture-the-ghost séance.
Mm-hmm.
- All right,
so here's our vessel.
I brought my Easy
Breezy shoe box.
It used to hold the world's
most comfortable heels.
Now it's gonna hold a ghost.
What a life this box has had.
Okay. Here we go.
We're gonna make contact
with the other side.
I just need one more sip
of my séance wine. Yep.
If you make contact,
can you ask the ghost
if it's any good with a mop?
Ha-ha. Very funny.
Open the door.
Attention, ghost.
We are gathered here today
to help you cross over
into this box.
Kids, put your hands
on the thingy.
is there a spirit
here in this basement?
It's moving!
Great.
They're in here, too.
Hey, guess what.
You're not phantasmal.
You're phan-dumb.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah! Ooh...
What is your name?
- What's your name, baby?
- Stop moving it, Louise.
I know it's you.
I'm not moving it. It's Gene.
It's not me. Ooh!
Look, it's spelling something out.
J...
E...
F...
F.
Jeff. I just got chills.
How old are you, Jeff?
One. Three.
So the ghost is a
13-year-old boy.
That's interesting.
To all of us.
Jeff, do you, uh, want
to check out the inside
of this totally normal shoe box?
I think he's in
the box! Put the lid on it!
Got it. Hello?
Did anybody hear me screaming?
There was a crazy amount of
bugs flying at my face.
Bobby, calm down.
We caught the ghost.
His name is Jeff.
Everything is fine.
Everything is not fine, Lin.
We have a horrible
bug problem in there,
and I'm sick of all
this ghost stuff.
Ghost stuff is over.
Now we do the ceremonial
throwing it away in the trash.
No, wait! Don't!
You can't just throw Jeff out.
Ghosts were people, too.
What if it's Jeff Bridges?
Imagine the money.
Tina, what are you doing?
We're keeping Jeff.
You can keep him, Tina,
but you have
to empty his box every night!
So, Jeff, how's your first day
at school going?
purgatory
or the smell in Tina's locker?
It doesn't smell anymore,
Louise; I got rid of the yogurt.
Why do you guys have
an Easy Breezy's shoe box?
I didn't know it was Take
Your Mom's Shoes to School Day.
There aren't shoes in this box.
It's a ghost. Mm.
You're totally lying. And lying
is bad for your skin, thank you.
Why is everyone looking
at a box? What am I missing?
I'm bored.
Somebody explain it to me quick!
It's a ghost.
His name is Jeff.
It's a strong Christian name.
You have a ghost, Tina?
Oh. Hi, Jimmy Jr.
This is Jeff.
He's a ghost, he's a boy,
and we've been spending a lot
of time together.
Ghosts aren't real.
Yeah. Death is the end.
It's final!
That's right, Zeke.
Yeah, nothing more!
High five!
Really? Well, maybe Jeff
will have something to say
about that. Anyone
want to talk to him?
I do.
Okay. All right.
Hands on the Ouija board,
everybody.
You can ask him anything
you want about the afterlife.
All right. If you're real,
what do ghosts eat?
It's moving.
S...
O... U...
P.
Soup! He's right!
Must be real. Whoa.
This changes a lot for me.
A lot.
Are you okay, Zeke?
No, this is weird.
Well, Zeke's changed.
Who's next?
I have a question. Were you
cool when you were alive?
V... E...
R... Y.
Very! Jeff is cool!
I-I don't
think Jeff is real.
Something smells fishy.
Oh, man.
He got you!
Ghost burn.
That's not funny.
Jeff's funny.
Uh-oh.
Time's up everyone.
Wait, wait.
One more question. Hey, Jeff,
do you want to walk me to class?
You go, girl.
He has a creepy crush on you.
Weird.
We have to call
another exterminator.
Let's go with...
"Beetle Kanevil"?
What is wrong with the
exterminators in our town?
Why don't you ask him?
Marcus!
I just wanted to show this place
to some of my friends.
This is Phil and Don.
Hi.
Wait, what?
They're gonna check it out.
I'm gonna run away.
Bye, Marcus!
Good luck!
I hope you don't die!
He always says that.
What are you doing?
What's all this?
Mm. I'm definitely recording
some EMF traces in here.
We just might have something
substantial on our hands.
Are you
paranormal investigators?
Guilty.
I'm Don,
vice president of
our local chapter.
This is Phil.
He's president. Mm-hmm.
Voted in by a landslide.
One vote. It was me.
Uh, you can't do that stuff
in here. This is a business.
So, Marcus told you about
our ghost. His name is Jeff.
Uh, he's doing great. I
mean, he's adjusting well.
I... Bob, do you think he's...
comfortable? Lin, stop.
There is no ghost.
Oh, boy.
Don, you're gonna want
to take a look at this.
Okay.
This booth is covered
in some serious spectral traces.
My meter's going crazy.
Mine, too.
Of course, it could be cell
phone interference. Mm-hmm.
Or an AM radio. Or a microwave.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But I bet it's a ghost.
Mm-hmm. Oh!
You hear that, Bob? A ghost.
Uh-huh.
Looks like we got
our work cut out for us.
Phil, you think
we should order some lunch?
Burger. Medium well.
Man knows what he wants.
That's why he's president. Ow.
What's going on here?
Um, nothing.
Don't mind them.
Can I help you?
They have a ghost.
We're here to investigate.
No, there's no ghost.
Don't listen
to him. He's...
Honey, they have a ghost.
Let's eat here.
I mean,
yeah, we have a ghost.
Uh, come on in.
Sit down.
We have at least one
in every booth.
Jeff, people are loving you!
Tina's hanging out with the most
popular box in the school.
I don't even care that he's
popular. To me, he's just Jeff.
Bye.
Wait, wait, where are you going?
Oh, I was thinking
of showing Jeff the butterflies
at the science center. You guys
don't want to come along,
do you? Probably not.
Great. Bye.
Jeff, you have my sister home
by 11:00!
Wait, make that 9:00,
8:00 central!
Jeff and I are gonna watch
Kitchen Nightmares.
That's gonna be our thing!
The butterflies are beautiful
this time of year.
The rest of the time,
they're caterpillars.
Are we holding hands?
I can't really tell.
Jeff, you'd tell me
if you were just a box, right?
You're just a box, aren't you?
I'm on a date with a box.
Oh, my God.
Whoa. I'm getting butterfly
kisses from a butterfly.
Is it you, Jeff?
Is this a sign?
- Oh, boy. You really are real.
- What are you doing?
No, no, no.
No eating the butterflies!
What is in the box?
Um... Jeff.
Who's Jeff?
Oh, wow. Um...
you're kind putting us
on the spot here.
Is he a friend?
Is he more than a friend?
We're just enjoying it
right now without labels.
Oh.
I thought it was food or drink.
Enjoy your visit.
Lin, I never thought
I'd say this, but I'm glad
a crazy exterminator
told us we had a ghost.
Big day. People like
your burgers more
when there's a dead person
in the restaurant.
Okay, people.
We're gonna listen
for subsonic metaphysical
phenomena now.
We need everybody
to be very quiet in here.
Except for ghosts.
You guys talk it up.
Hi, everyone! Oh! Ah!
Oh, my. Oh.
Damn it.
We have an announcement.
We're officially dating.
Ooh! Ghost boyfriend!
You'll have to get some
clanking chains for prom. Aw.
Wait. Is there a
ghost in that vessel?
Did you just say
you two were dating?
Dad, you're not gonna like
every guy she brings home.
Mm, I'm getting
some heavy activity.
Of course you are.
It's Jeff. He's like that.
Congratulations, Bob.
He seems great.
Yep. Every father's dream.
Aw.
There he is!
Coolest guy in school.
What's up, Jeff?
Oh, hi, everyone.
Uh, me and my boyfriend Jeff
were just looking
to have a little lunch.
Oh, my God, did you
just say "boyfriend"?
Did I? Oh, yeah, I did. Hmm.
You guys are so cute together!
You're the new "it" couple!
Whoa, people, give
them some space here.
No photos!
Well, Jeff and I
are gonna get in line.
God, just leave him
here for a second.
You're smothering him, Tina.
Let him breathe.
He's already in a box.
Yeah, let him hang out with us.
This ghoul needs some guy time.
Come on, Jeff!
I'm gonna get ya! Get over here,
all right! Oh. Uh, okay.
We'll do our own thing for a bit
and then meet up later.
See you in a few, Jeff.
I'm gonna get you!
Get over here.
Miss you already.
Get your ass up here! Come on.
Careful.
I'm back, Jeff.
Hope you like hot dogs...
Where did Jeff go?
Tammy got some mustard
on Jeff's box,
so she went to wash it off.
You guys, get in here!
I went into the stall
to go number one,
because I never go
number two at school, or at all,
because that's gross,
and Jocelyn clogged the toilet
that one time.
I'm sorry, Jocelyn.
But look what I found
when I came out!
Huh?
"Tina and I are taking a break.
"Tammy, you are hot.
Be my GF."
Wait. What?
Jeff asked me out!
And of course I said "no"
'cause that's not fair to Tina.
Just kidding!
I said yes!
Oh, yay! Oh, my God,
you guys are
the coolest couple in school!
You deserve it.
I guess now I have a hottie
without a body.
Come on, Jeff.
Nobody's saying it,
but Jeff is a scoundrel!
He's buried, not married!
I can't believe
Jeff dumped me for Tammy.
Since when can Jeff
write on mirrors?
I'm pretty sure
that's his handwriting.
It's girly, but it's just
'cause he's sensitive.
The girl's bathroom is nice!
Each stall has a
tiny metal mailbox.
I'm glad I was carrying
around that postcard for Ken.
I don't know how I'm gonna make
it through the rest of the day.
Come on, Tina,
get off the floor.
What's the big deal?
He's not even...
hot... for a box.
That's not what I care about.
I care about what's inside.
Also, we don't know if that's
water or urine you're lying in.
I think it's just water.
Yeah, water.
No, pee.
Tina, they're gonna do
an ultrasound on your box.
The box didn't quite make
it home with us today.
Kids, there's a lot of people
who are very focused on the box.
Where's the box?
Did he switch vessels?
No, he didn't switch vessels.
He switched girlfriends!
To an annoying girl named Tammy!
Ugh! I hate
his stupid ghost face!
He dumped you?!
I'm gonna kill him. Again.
Oh, I knew this would happen.
Sort of.
Spirit appears
to be a bit of a player.
Tina's gonna be okay.
I made her a PB and J.
She said she didn't want it,
so I ate it.
She was still sad,
so I made her another PB and J.
She didn't want that one either,
so I ate it. Anyway,
Tina wants to be alone
for a little while,
and we're out of peanut butter.
Guys, I hate to break
your hearts, too,
but Jeff isn't real.
What are you talking about?
I was controlling
the Ouija Board.
I was messing with you guys.
Yeah. I thought
that was pretty obvious.
I named him Jeff.
It's the stupidest name
for a ghost I could think of.
Of course.
Oh, yeah.
I know Jeff's not real.
It was Louise. Sure.
Wait, so let me
get this straight.
His name's not Jeff,
but he's real.
No, Gene, there is no Jeff!
I just thought
it would be funny.
I didn't think Tina would
fall in love with him.
And I definitely didn't think
Tammy was gonna pull
the same crap as me
but better
with that mirror thing.
And now I'm gonna go tell Tina
and say I'm sorry,
and we're all gonna laugh about
this someday, right, guys?
I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Lin, why is that not
such a good idea?
'Cause Tina's already
feeling heartbroken right now.
If we tell her the truth, she's
gonna feel heartbroken and dumb.
She got catfished by a box!
So... I'm not telling Tina?
You'll see. You'll all go
trick-or-treating tomorrow.
She'll be fine.
She'll be back
to her normal, teeny Tina.
She just needs nougat.
Happy Halloween!
I'm a witch!
Costume fashion show!
Get out here, kids!
Here comes Gene!
Turner and Hooch.
Half dog, half Hanks, all cop!
More like Turner and Cute.
Come here, you!
Oh, here comes Louise.
Shiny scorpion person. Wow!
I'm Ryan Gosling from the major
motion picture trailer Drive.
So violent,
but so well-reviewed.
And here she is,
last but not least, Tina!
Dressed as a...
pretty glasses girl.
Wait. You didn't change at all.
I'm not gonna go
trick-or-treating, guys.
What? No.
You should go!
Eat your candy.
You need it.
Yeah, no, I'm just gonna
hang out here for a while.
And later, I might
stop by the cemetery.
If I don't show my face now,
I'll never be able to do it.
What? Why would you go there?
Tammy's gonna be there.
And a certain
cardboard box. Ruff!
You guys go ahead
without me. I'll be fine.
I'll just watch other people
have fun on Halloween.
That kid's having fun.
Glad Tina's okay. Time
to go trick-or-treating!
Are you kidding me?
Tina is not okay.
Look at her.
I know what we have to do now.
Tammy's going down,
and she's going down
with a strong dose
of her own medicine.
Which I invented! Love it.
One suggestion.
Can we go trick-or-treating
for a couple of hours,
and then see how we feel?
No, Gene!
Can we just stop for ramen?
Ha, all right!
We're the older kids now!
Hanging out in the cemetery!
Man, in a few years,
we'll be parents!
And I have a serious boyfriend.
So, uh, I guess we're
supposed to break into that
creepy mausoleum, huh?
It's a rite of passage.
Hey, we got a ghost with us.
We're good, right?
Jeff, you know the doorman?
Oh.
Hey, guys.
Oh. Um,
you two have, like, zero out
of ten permission to be here.
You're too young.
Yeah, little fetuses.
Hooch, heel!
Where's Tina?
Crying into her butt?
No.
My butt is dry... and strong.
Ew.
Ruff! Good boy.
Hey, Louise.
Tina, I'm glad you're here.
You're gonna want to see this.
I thought you guys
were gonna go trick-or-treating.
And I thought
you guys were gonna
actually go into the mausoleum.
We're going! We're just... we're
just getting our legs ready.
Look, here they go!
We're about to march right in!
Tammy? Tammy?
What? What?
It's so awkward
that Jeff's ex is here.
It's like so... You could cut
the tension with a knife.
No, like, whatever.
I'm so confident, because
Jeff is, like, so over her.
Come on, legs.
Good, great, come on.
Keep going! You can shake,
but you can't quit on me!
I can't see anything!
Whoa.
Someone just knocked
Jeff out of my hands!
You guys don't even care!
I would care,
but I'm too scared!
Zeke, light the
rite of passage candle.
Here you go! I took it
from my Dad's Jacuzzi tub.
Here's your boyfriend, Tammy.
I found him on the ground.
You should really
be more careful.
Great. Now he's
got ground on him.
Sorry the candle smells
like lavender.
Kind of changes the vibe
a little bit.
Yeah. I'm feeling
really relaxed all of a sudden.
The door slammed shut!
Well, somebody open it!
It's locked!
I can't open it!
No!
Oh, no.
Tina, try it again!
I can't budge it.
It just won't open.
Louise, how'd you do that?
I didn't.
That wasn't part of my plan.
Well, then what was your plan?
I put some bugs from
the basement in Tammy's box.
That's it?
Gene, you were there.
You helped me get the bugs.
I know. I just thought there
was gonna be more to it.
But, yeah, no, it's-it's good.
Oh, my God!
Guys, look at this!
"You are all condemned
to eternal damnation
"in here with me.
"This is...
Jeff!"
Jeff trapped us!
Not cool, Jeff!
Not cool.
'Oh, no! Eternal
damnation sounds bad and long!
It's the worst
kind of damnation!
If you really aren't
doing this, Louise,
Hooch is gonna have an accident.
I swear it's not me.
I knew I shouldn't have taken
Tina's spooky seconds! Ugh!
Got her.
Uh-oh.
This might have backfired
a little bit.
They're on me!
They're on me!
Listen! Listen to me!
I have something to say.
We're not trapped in here
for eternal damnation.
- I wrote that.
- What?!
Jeff the ghost isn't real.
My sister made him up.
Dude, what?!
Oh, my God.
That was me.
Uh, hi, everybody.
The bugs were also me.
Part of me always
kind of thought Jeff was fake.
But then, last night,
when I heard my family talking
about how fake he was,
I realized
that he definitely was fake.
Mm. Ah. Also, it's crazy.
It's a box.
But the things we wanted
from Jeff were real.
I wanted a boy
to pay attention to me
and never leave my side. Ah.
Oh, man.
I wanted to believe that
there's more than this life.
I wanted to believe so bad.
It's okay, Zeke.
Oh, God.
It just means take advantage
of the here and now.
Oh, I hear you, man.
And I wanted someone to watch
Kitchen Nightmares with.
And I just liked him 'cause
everyone else liked him.
I need to start
thinking for myself,
unless you guys don't think
that's cool. Then I won't.
And Tammy wanted
to steal someone away from me
because she's a horrible,
jealous girl.
She's right!
Tammy's a handful!
But we don't need Jeff.
We can get these things
from ourselves.
Ah! I don't need a boy
to pay attention to me.
I'll pay attention to myself.
And, Gene, it's okay to watch
Kitchen Nightmares alone.
And it's okay that
I'm jealous and terrible.
No, no.
Fix yourself!
Holy crap!
Tina, you're amazing.
I can't believe
you planned this whole thing.
You-you shut the door
and pretended it was locked.
You came here early
and wrote this on the wall.
What'd you use, by the way?
Hopefully, not paint.
It's ketchup.
Checks out.
Listen, I'm really
sorry I made up a ghost
that you fell in love with.
It's okay.
It was good practice
for when a real ghost
comes along.
Well, you made this
the best Halloween ever.
And there's still time
to go trick-or-treating!
It's 10:30.
It's too late.
Ah, damn it, Jimmy Jr.!
Why do you always
know the time?!
I have a watch.
Oh.
Quick, to the Pacific time zone!
It's still Halloween
in San Diego!
I'll be honest. I miss Jeff.
Well, Bob,
we have a lot of
data to sift through.
We got to get back to the lab.
Let's, uh, close out
your tab here.
You guys ate, uh, 11 burgers.
All delicious. We were about to
settle the bill with you, too, Bob.
Let's see. We did a beta wave
test, a black light scan
and an audio spectral recording.
With all these
services rendered,
looks like it's gonna be a wash.
Bye, Bob. Bye, Linda.
You can't leave. You have
to pay for your food.
We can't pay you.
Mm. Why?
Should we tell him, Phil?
Mm-hmm.
We've been dead for 12 years.
Oh, my God!
Bobby, they're ghosts!
I knew it.
Bye!
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait. Hold on.
Watch out, Bobby! They're gonna
walk right through you!
Do you take credit cards?
Oh, they're not ghosts.