Becker (1998–2004): Season 3, Episode 22 - Small Wonder - full transcript

Why are we here again?

Mr. Ackerman
needs home care.

Well, why doesn't he get
a doctor in Manhattan?

For some reason, he likes you.

Yeah, well,
he better be damn sick.

Excuse me, ma'am.
I wonder if you could...

Oh, absolutely.

Hey, you know, what does
she look like, a walking ATM?

You know,
don't give him a dime.

John, it's okay.
No, it's not.

Hey, you know, you want
money? Look in the newspaper.



Here, let me show you something.
Look at that.

That's the Classifieds.
You know what that is?

That's where people go
when they're looking for a job.

You remember what a job is?

You know,
that's where you work all day.

At the end of the week,
they give you money.

You know, ma'am,
all I wanted to know

was if you knew directions
to the St. Ann's Shelter.

I've gotta get cleaned up.

I've got a job interview
later today.

You were saying?

Three blocks up on the right.

You can't miss it.

Thank you, ma'am.



And as for you,

with a coat like that,
I should be giving you a buck.

Boy, does he smell.

I heard that!

If he hadn't done it,
I might have.

Good morning.
You're late.

And you're blond.

I wasn't sure if you'd notice.
Do you like it?

Well, it's, uh...

No.

Did you do that yourself?

Of course not. This is a very
complicated process.

I had it done at a stand
on the side of the expressway.

Five dollars for sunglasses,

hair coloring
or a pound of crabmeat.

You're kidding me?

Five dollars
for a pound of crabmeat?

Hi, I'm your new delivery man,
Arnoldo.

Uh, the cooler is down the hall,
to the left.

Oh, my God.

Margaret, you have to do
something.

What?
Just...

Oh, John, don't tell me
you still have that weird thing.

Yeah, when are you gonna have
that thing removed?

Have what removed?

Oh, then never mind.

This is not a joke.

Every time I see
one of those guys,

something terrible happens.

Something terrible happens
whenever you see

a water-delivery guy?

No, whenever I see one of those
little-people persons.

Oh, John, please.
Don't argue with me.

Just call the company
and get us a new guy, please.

Do you honestly expect me to ask
them to replace that nice man

just because you think
that little people

make bad things happen?

I don't see the problem.

Look, I'm not saying
he's not a perfectly nice guy...

Have a nice day, folks.

You too.

I'm just saying
he's a harbinger of doom.

Hey, Vinny.
Hey.

How you doing?

I'm good. Good.

That's not what it says here.

Your cholesterol
has broken 300.

Wow, you were wise
not to sell at 268.

Here we go.

Yeah, that's right.
Let's do the dance.

Have you quit smoking?
Changed your diet?

Started exercising,
reduced your stress?

I bought one of those
vibrating armchairs.

Oh, good.
Good, good, good. Yeah.

Well, now, pick it up
and go for a walk, you moron.

What am I gonna do?

I love eating, I love smoking

and I hate exercise.

I've tried to get in shape.
It's just too damn hard.

It's not that hard, you know.

Have some self-control,
will you?

You smoke.
I do not.

I've seen you.

Yeah, we're not talking
about me, are we?

All right, do you exercise?

Yes. Yes, I do. I exercise.

What do you do?

I... I run
and I swim and I skip.

You skip?
Yeah.

I skip.
It's the latest thing.

Fine. You know what,
I'll make you a deal.

Next time you go to the gym,
take me with you.

You can show me what to do.

Couldn't you go by yourself?

I tried,
but it's like there's something

that stops me
from going inside.

Would it help
if they buttered the door?

If it's the only way
I'm gonna get you into a gym,

you can come with me.

You know, he's out of shape,
and I have to suffer.

Margaret, you know that
stereotype

about blonds being easy?

Yes?

All of a sudden,
the guy at the doughnut shop

was totally hitting on me.

It's like now that I'm blond,
he assumes I'm easy.

"Sex toy"?

That's what the guy
in the doughnut shop called me.

Don't worry, Vinny,
we'll get you in shape.

Hey, uh, thanks a lot,
Dr. Becker.

I really appreciate it.

No problem.
I belong to a great gym.

I need to join a gym.

You already belong to a gym.

I do?
Brick building,

two blocks over,
smells like sweat?

Reggie's diner?

Bronx Fitness.

Oh, right, right, right.

All right,
so where's my gym bag?

Next to your guitar
and Tae Bo tapes

in the I'm-gonna-change-my-life
corner of the storage room.

And you know why
they're in the corner?

Because your NordicTrack
and pottery wheel

are taking up all the room.

All right, let's stop
before someone gets hurt.

Morning, everybody.

Reg, can I have
some coffee to go, please?

Hey, Sweating to the Oldies,
what's with the outfit?

I'm going to the gym.

No, seriously.

No, seriously.

No, seriously.

Why are you so surprised?

Just so happens
I used to work out regularly.

Oh, yeah, right.
How long has it been now?

I don't know.
A few months.

A few months?

Months, years, 1989, whatever.

Ah...

You know, we got a new
water-delivery guy

down at the office,

and he's one of those
little-people persons, you know?

You know,
right after I saw him,

one of my patients tricked me
into going down to the gym.

Ahem. Becker,
you really shouldn't...

Oh, please,
what am I supposed to say?

Height impaired,
vertically challenged,

abbreviated Americans?

All I know is they're bad luck.

Oh, for crying...

See what I mean? Bad luck.

So you think a monster
lives under your bed?

Or that if you step on a crack,
you'll break your mother's back?

No, listen.
You know,

I would expect this kind
of bigoted, narrow-minded crap

from some drunk in a bar,
but you're a doctor.

You should know better.

Look, don't take this
the wrong way.

It's... I don't think
that you guys are bad luck.

I'm just saying, whenever I see
one of you fellas,

I know bad luck's on its way.

You're going to the gym, right?

Yeah.
Can you do a deep knee bend?

Yeah.
Good.

Then you can kiss my ass.

Well, I gotta go.
I got deliveries downtown.

I'm going that way.
Could I bum a ride?

Yeah, sure.

Do you believe that guy?

I mean, it's hard enough
for people like you and me

as it is, right?

You and me?

Yeah. You're Italian, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Italian, right.

John, when you get to the gym,

you ought to see
if they have a machine

that'll take your foot
out of your mouth.

You think because a little
person was in here,

a bad thing is gonna happen?
That's absurd.

You were saying?

That has nothing to do
with Arnoldo.

This whole place
is falling apart.

Excuse me, sir.
Are you two members?

Oh, yeah, I am.
Uh, he's my guest.

I work out here all the time.

Oh, I've never seen you.

Well, that's probably because,
uh, I come here at night

when the other girl is here.

You mean Bruce?

You said you came here
all the time.

I do, I do. She's confused.

Um, yeah, this card
is handwritten.

We got computers, like,
a zillion years ago.

Well, so look it up.

Blonds, huh?

Oh, yeah, here it is.
This membership has expired.

Expired?
How could it be expired?

It's a lifetime membership.

You know, can I talk to someone
in charge, please?

Well, you could take it up
with the gym's previous owners,

but they've also expired.

Maybe we should just go.

No, no, no.
Look, I'm a doctor.

I wanna work out
with my patient.

Now, what do I need to do?

Well, you could join the gym.

Oh...
Look, let's forget it.

Let's go get a pizza.

No, what do you...?

You know, this would be
a great gym for you.

We don't discriminate on the
basis of age or fitness level.

Oh, thank you very much.
You know, I'll join again.

Cool. We offer three months
for $69.

Oh.
And, uh,

that's $15 extra
for the guest pass.

Unless you're a couple,
then it's only a dollar extra.

Honey, give her a dollar.

You're 15 minutes late,
Mr. Hayward.

We're trying to run
a medical office here.

When one person is late,

it puts the doctor
behind schedule

and pushes everything back
for the rest of the day.

I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.

Which room should I go to?

Oh, just have a seat.
The doctor's not here yet.

What a ditz.

Do you believe that, Margaret?

Mr. Hayward
just called me a ditz,

and I think I know why.

It's because of my hair.

People think blonds are dumb,
so he's assuming I'm dumb.

Oh, come on, Linda,
you're not that...blond.

Oh, good, you're finally here.

You've got patients waiting.
Where have you been?

Uh, well, I was at the, uh...
I was at the gym.

For three hours?

No, you don't understand,
Margaret.

Vinny Deluca
had a heart attack.

I can't believe
Mr. Deluca had a heart attack.

It's so shocking.

Yeah, just yesterday,
he looked so...

Well, it's still shocking.

I gave him CPR,

and then the paramedics took us
to Columbia Presbyterian,

where they did
an emergency angioplasty.

He's stable, but I...

Mm. Thank God.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea
to take him to the gym.

Well, what happened?
Did he try to do too much?

No, no, he hardly did anything.

I mean, you know, he watched me
on the treadmill for a while,

and when he finally got up,
he took three steps,

said, "this feels great,"

you know, clutched his chest
and hit the deck.

There's no way that felt great.

Okay, ready?
Wait, hold on, hold on.

Now, why do I have
to hold the nail?

Well, you're sure as hell
not swinging the hammer.

Ow. Mother of mercy,
Bob is wounded.

What happened?

Wow, do you really care?

Well, no,
but you're on crutches,

so I'm kind of curious.

Well, long story short,
Becker was right.

Those people are bad luck.

What are you talking about?

I left here with that little
Arnoldo guy,

and I had the worst day
of my life.

First, I twist my ankle
getting out of his minivan.

And, yes,
I'm aware of the irony there.

I turn around
to ask him for help,

and he's halfway down the block.

So I take a cab.

But when I go to pay,

I realized that I left my wallet
in Arnoldo's van.

The cabby was so pissed,
I had to give him my watch,

my belt
and Jake's name and address.

Wait, my name and address?

I wasn't gonna give him mine.
This guy looked crazy.

Oh, good, Bob, you're here.

I came to return your wallet.

Hope it didn't
inconvenience you any.

Hey, what happened
to your ankle?

I sprained it
getting out of your mini...

Your car.

No kidding. Tough luck.

Well, here you go.

Thanks.

Can I get you anything?

Uh, maybe just a muffin.

Uh, Reg, are we gonna
do this or not?

Oh, yeah, right.

Okay, ready?

Okay. Just be careful
of my fingers.

I'm in the middle
of a really great book.

Don't worry.

Oh!

Oh, my God, Jake.
I'm so sorry.

I have no idea
how that happened.

Let me get you some ice.

Yeah, I think I know
how that happened.

Is he still here?

Who? Bob?

Never mind.

You know, I think I'm just gonna
take this to go.

I gotta get home.

Need a ride, Bob?
No!

I mean, no, thank you.

Suit yourself.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Boo.

Reg, could I have some coffee,
please?

Oh, man,
what a lousy day I've had.

I took a patient of mine to
the gym. He had a heart attack.

Is he all right?
That's terrible.

No, he's stable, but I just...

What's going...?
What happened to your hand?

And why are you on crutches?

Yeah? I'll give you
three little guesses.

Come on, Bob,
it's not fair to blame Arnoldo.

He's gone, Jake.
It's Arnoldo.

Well, of course it is.
It's all making sense.

Yeah, my patient,
your hand and your foot.

I mean, whenever
one of those guys is around,

something bad happens.

You're all being ridiculous.

Bad things happen
because bad things happen.

It's all a stupid coincidence.

Aw, relax.
They're all loose.

Dr. Becker,
Mrs. Cohen called.

She said that the Restoril
you gave her

isn't helping her sleep.

She wants to know if you could
prescribe her something else.

Okay. Uh...

Ambien, maybe.

No, she's got that weird
insurance. Uh...

What's generic for "Ambien"?

What?

I was just thinking out loud.
You wouldn't understand.

Why wouldn't I understand?

Because I'm blond?
Oh, for...

You know,
I'm gonna dye my hair back

to what I'm pretty sure
is my natural color,

so I can be treated like the
intelligent person that I am.

Oh, and by the way, the generic
for Ambien is zolpidem tartrate.

One day, I forgot my magazines,

and the only thing here to read
was your stupid medical book.

Hey, wanna look at my ass?

No, thanks.

Aren't you here
to check my hemorrhoids?

No, no. I'm...
I'm his doctor.

Oh.

While you're here, you wanna
take a peek? They're huge.

No, I'll pass.
Uh, do me a favor, will you?

Uh, when he wakes up,
tell him Dr. Becker dropped by.

I don't wanna disturb him.

Oh, don't be silly.

Vinny, you got a visitor!

Oh, hey, doc.

How you doing, Vinny?

Oh, not bad.

Yeah, well, your vital signs
are looking good,

and I'm glad to see
the rhythm has stabilized.

So they tell me.
Uh-huh.

Have you seen his hemorrhoids?
They're amazing.

There's gotta be something else
to watch around here.

Don't you guys get cable
or something?

Hey, uh, I wanna talk to you
for a second.

Sure.

Uh...

You know, when something bad
happens to a patient,

it's... It's very upsetting.

You know, especially if that
thing could have been avoided.

And when that happens...

Hey, doc, quick question.

How soon am I gonna be able to
sit down without that doughnut?

I'd... I'd have to look,
and no, I'm not going to.

Come on.
You know you're curious.

Look, anyway, uh,

you know, when a...
A patient gets injured,

a doctor can't help
but question himself.

What... What I'm...
What I'm trying to say is,

you know, I'm just wondering

if I failed you in some way,
Vinny.

You know, may...
Maybe I should've tried harder

to get you to quit smoking
or change your diet

or, you know, maybe get you
to handle your stress better.

You know, I've had a long time

to sit here and think about
this, and I...

Hey, anybody want

a half a corned-beef
sandwich?

Sure.

No, no. Hey, no.

Go on, please.

Anyway, like I was saying,
I mean,

I've... I've given this a lot
of thought and...

How about cake?
I got cake.

Hey, you know,
there's a reason why.

God inflated your ass
to gigantic proportions.

Now shut up and let us talk,
will you?

Fine, fine. More for me.

Look, Dr. Becker,
what I'm trying to say is:

Don't blame yourself.

I should've taken your advice

and started taking care
of myself years ago.

I'm just lucky you were there
when this happened.

I owe you my life.

Thanks very much. I really
appreciate hearing that.

Well, you... You, uh...
You get some rest,

and I'll come by
and see you tomorrow, all right?

Hey, if you're going,

would you open the curtain?

Oh, that's just...

Told you.

You know, you... You're right.
They're absolutely amazing.

You can all relax.
The fire is out.

Boy, that was something.

The way it started,
just like that.

Yeah, just like that.

What?

Accidents happen, right?

Oh, you don't think
that was my fault?

No.
Yes.

Morning, everybody.

You.

You know what you've done, huh?

You've spread your poison,

and now they all think
I'm bad luck.

Well, I hope
you're proud of yourself.

No, wait, wait. Arnoldo.

Sit down, please.

Why?

Please.

Look, I...
I want to apologize.

Ahem, what I said to you
yesterday was stupid and cruel.

Nobody should be made
to feel the way I made you feel.

What it's worth, I'm sorry.

Thanks, Dr. Becker.

Yeah.

You're Dr. Becker?

Yeah.

Dr. John Becker?

The doctor who saved
the guy's life at the gym?

Yeah, that's me.

Well, I think
it's a hell of a thing you did.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Listen, I'm sorry about this,
but you've been served.

Ah.

Vinny Deluca's suing me
for malpractice.

He says... He says that I gave
him a heart attack.

I mean, what the hell is that?

I save the man's life
and he's suing me?

I mean, how could that happen?

I'm going, I'm going.

I'm going.