Archer (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 5 - Archer - full transcript

Party crashers turn a fundraiser into no laughing matter.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Malory] Which brings
us to our penultimate item,

which concerns... yet
again, and to no great surprise...

the restrooms.

Specifically, the towel dispensers.

Why'd you get the loopy, old-timey

cloth kind in the first place?

Because... Shut up.

And I don't know who's doing it,

and I doubt even God knows why,

but my next step is to have

the damn things swabbed for DNA!

[chattering in discontent]

Seems like it'd be easier just
to take out the trash cans.

Whoever's doing it, they obviously

have to climb up on a trash can.

'Cause it's like, up here, so...

Wow. Name a handsome
Hollywood power lawyer

who is having major second

thoughts about hiring you people.

- Mr. Shapiro!
- Boom! Square gets the square!

And I get going. You guys validate?

Mr. Shapiro, please, as
I said on the phone,

the Figgis Agency values your business,

and I can assure
you this internal affair

doesn't reflect our
ability as investigators, so...

- Yes, it does.
- Archer?

What? Shut up. If anything,

it proves I'm a great investigator.

I totally just
Encyclopedia Browned that thing.

[gasps] Bugs Meany is wiping
his ass on our towels?

- No, dummy!
- Yes! It's the only explanation!

Well, or any of the Tigers.

So, is it like a stamp, or stickers...

Please, you've come all this way.

And obviously you thought we were

the right agency for the job.

And besides, we're only 25
cents a day, plus expenses.

For the love of Christ, woman!

Seriously, you gotta shut up.

You shut up! Because I'm catching

the first bus outta this hick town!

- [glass breaks]
- [door slams]

Ha! So long, Idaville!

As I was saying...

[sighs] Okay.

- Hmm?
- Okay!

I can't get anyone else
on such late notice, and...

I dunno. Maybe you
people can handle this job, so...

Mind if I, uh, beep boop?

Oh, preesh. Okay, so

I'm sure you all remember my client,

Hollywood legend Veronica Deane.

- Remember?
- Ugh.

- Who could forget?
- Right?

She almost makes me Q my G.

What, did she die of old age?

Oh, for the... She's 50!

And, if anything, more
beautiful than ever.

Especially when she's wearing...

[gasps, overlapping comments]

the Tsarina, an
emerald and diamond necklace

crafted for Empress Maria
Alexandrovna in 1855,

and now the, uh,
centerpiece of Ms. Deane's collection.

My God, it must be worth millions!

[gasps] And you want us to steal it!

I... No! No, that's the
exact opposite of what I want.

She wants to wear the
Tsarina to a fund-raiser

hosted by her ex-husband, Ellis Crane,

Oscar-winning director
and also total jit-rag.

- Ooh!
- He's handsome!

Ugh! Total jit-rag.

Wearing that necklace to a crowded event

seems like a pretty big risk.

I know. Believe me,

I tried to talk Ms.
Deane out of wearing it, but...

Is it just to rub it in his face?

[chuckles] Man, I'd rub it in his face!


- Pam!
- I will stop, but I will not apologize.

So, you want us to guard the necklace.

Yes. Undercover, at the fund-raiser.

For which, I am prepared to
pay your agency s... $50,000.

- Oh, nice!
- Pretty good.

But surely the necklace is insured.

And even if the deductible was, like...

Obviously more than that, Lana.

- Yeah, Lana.
- Holy shit-snacks!

So we're going to a no-shit
black-tie Hollywood gala?

Well, yes, but...

But what do we wear? Is
it, like, gowns and gloves?

And do I rent a girdle? Are there
gonna be dress fittings?

Do I get a bikini wax? And
I don't know my tiara size!

And, oh, my God, what of shoes?

Uh, your attire will be provided.

This is gonna be suckin' amazing!

Yeah. For five-eighths of you.

- ♪

- [string quartet]

[Pam] And so, when I
said "suckin' amazing"...

obviously I meant "suckin' bullshit."

[sighs] I mean...


Oh, quit your griping, you three.

The whole idea is to blend in, so...


No. Meaning just... you know...

[gasps] You can't put lipstick on a pig.

- Really?
- Excuse you?

What's that supposed to mean?

- Well, that's a little harsh.
- And also inaccurate.

Lipstick, they don't really mind,

but mascara? Huh, whole big thing.

And I suppose he's blending?

- Who?
- You, Otto Von Jizmarck.

I was gonna say Franz Turdinand.

- Eh...
- Guys, come on.

What's going on here?

I was just explaining some basic tenets

of fieldcraft to these three.

Yeah, you gotta blend,

but I meant what's going
on hors d'oeuvre-wise.

Wouldn't you like to...

[clears throat] Blend.

[sighs] This is a deconstructed slider

made from certified Kobe beef

from Hyogo prefecture,

with a tarragon aioli.

Tapas of pata negra jamón iberico,

topped with queso Torta del Casar.

And these are tiny quiches,

probably made from
endangered quail eggs, or...

No, none of this is that.

This is the world's
most expensive Mc10:35.


Oh, for the... Sterling!

Is that really necessary?

Mm. Mm-hm.

Mm. Ah.

Lana, this is Hollywood.

None of this is even remotely necessary.

[people gasping]

So if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go guard some
priceless emeralds.

Oh, really?

You're gonna go do the job

I'm paying you a fortune to do?

Might as well.

I'm already here.

And speaking of guarding the Tsarina,

do you think the optimal

formation for that is a clump?

- [sighs]
- Really?

Some bullshit job.

Oh, my God, even for Idaville,

this stupid party is so boring!

Like, hire a clown, tinnitus people.

Whatever, Pocket Tony Montana.

Wait! Tiny Montana.


Either one,

oughta be quarantined
in the sick burn unit.


Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me.

Sterling Archer.

Hello. Pardon me.

Or move, basically.

Good evening, Archbishop.

Could you hold this for me?

Pardon me. Yep. S-Sorry.

That was my hand.

Jesus, glad I'm not allergic to mink.

- Right?
- Hm?

Oh, hi. Uh, so sorry. I thought

you were Commodore Perry.

[grumbling] Oh, how dare you!

Remember the Maine!

[woman] Couple things.

A, Perry opened Japan to the West.

He died 40 years before
the sinking of the Maine,

the cause of which... spoiler alert...

has since been proven to
be improper coal storage,

not a Spanish harbor mine.

And two...

he didn't have sideburns.

Did he not?

[chuckles] No.

He was totally... [slurps]

completely... [slurps]

clean... [slurps]


Wow. Talk about smooth sailing.

It was clearly the Age of Steam.

Hi. Sterling Archer.

What the... That little bitch!

Oh, you're way prettier than her.

I meant Archer.

And also, dahoy.

[loud munching]

- Oh!
- Shut up!

Excuse me. Pardon me. Think
you're gonna flirt...

Hello. Right in front of me...

Hi. With some C-list C-word!

[man] Impossible.


My dear, how can this be?

How have you never
been in one of my pictures?

Hm. Because I'm not an actress?

Huh. In what sense?


Perhaps we should begin anew.

Ellis Crane, Academy Award winner.

Lana Kane, private investigator.

You're kidding.

No, so if you ever have

anything that needs private

I thought you were a producer.

Uh, I produce results.

[groans] Idiot!

How was that my fault?

How is everything your fault?

[Pam] Aw, leave him alone.

He's not the one trying
to shuck your lady-corn.

My what?

Oh, so that's how it is now, huh?

Well, then you can tell Lana that
two can play at that game.

Where's Veronica Deane?

[chuckles] How should I know?

Y... Because you're
supposed to be guarding her.

I'm also supposed to be pooling tips.

Which I haven't gotten any yet, so...

Hey, Ray! You getting any tips?

- Hang on!
- Excuse me. Pardon me.

[grunts] Idiot!

What's up her bleached asshole?

Okay, so, I've been
watching like a hawk,

and here's the
whats... Lana's pissed at Archer

'cause she thought he was macking on

Bleached Asshole, and
she's pissed at Archer

'cause she thought he
was a Hollywood honcho

like ol' Whitey Crane over there,

who is macking on Lana, who's
totally full of crap

'cause deep down, she's totally

buyin' into Whitey's bullshit.

So to get back at her, Archer's gonna

pretend to mack on, but not really,

'cause deep down, he's got a

real-life crush-boner for her,

Veronica Deane!

Who we're supposed to be guarding.

Well, "whom," but yeah.

And she is...

I don't know who she's into.

I meant, where is she?

How should I know?

Yeah, who is she, Kate Warne?

- What?
- Anyway,

I don't want to jinx it,

but this might end up... [ominous
voice] a murder mystery.

Well, fingers crossed.

- Clump!
- [others gasp]



[Archer grunting] Okay.
Okay, here we go.

[clears throat] Hello?

Excuse me, Miss Deane?



I have tinnitus.

[Pam] Why do we have to clean it up?

Her dumb ass broke the damn thing.

Well, he's the one
sneaking around, scaring people

like Casper the Ghost.

A... Casper was the Friendly Ghost.

Well, take a page from his book.

You ever wonder how Casper died?

When you're finished here, un-clump!

'Cause my theory is Casper and Spooky

were kidnapped, raped, and murdered...

by Stevie.

Wow, that sounds pretty dark.

No, Miss Kane, not dark.


- I...
- Or nouveau noir, if you must,

but rest assured, my dear,

Deadly Velvet will redefine the genre.

Of the private-eye movie?


[imitates arrow whooshing]


Um, are you...

Madam, you wound me.


Deadly Velvet is going to
be a cinematic tour de force,

and I want you deeply involved.

Well, but I haven't
been a private investigator

for very long.

Had Shocking Blue been a band

very long before they recorded "Venus"?

- I...
- No.

I don't know.

We can't know.

And speaking of not knowing...

what does a technical advisor even do?

Well, advise on
technical matters, of course,

but I think you could also help me

really get inside the
mind of the private detective.

What... makes... her... tick.

Oh, wow, it's a female lead?

What? [laughing]

Oh, God, no.

What does Lana think she's doing?

Well, I think she's...

She's embarrassing herself. That's what.

Fawning all over Ellis Crane.

Trying to make Archer...

When he's clearly much better suited

for a woman like, well,


Jealous. Hey, how's Ron?

He's great.

How's nobody?


You're gon...


I [bleep] you on a blimp.


Oh, my God!

That's right.

Man, what ever happened to blimps?

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.

I mean, I do have tinnitus,

but that's not the main thing.

I'm sorry. I'm babbling.

Hello. Uh, Sterling Archer.

And we have actually met.

You hired me to meet some blackmailers

and exchange... [muffled]

I know exactly who you are.


What I don't know, Mr. Archer,

is why you would think
it even remotely acceptable

to discuss such private matters

in such a public setting.



I'm sorry.

It's all just so very sensitive.

Now, why are you here?

Well, for one thing, it's a great cause.

But for another, more accurate thing,

we're here because Shapiro hired us.

What? Why?

To guard the the Tsarina.

[gasps] I knew I shouldn't have worn it.

No... Yes, you totally should have.

And I get it. I get why you did.

- I wore it bec...
- Because, come to find out,

you and I find ourselves

- in the same boat.
- What?

And it's a totally shit boat,

and the cargo is
pathetic petty jealousy.

- What?
- And so I apologize

for being so forward,

but I think this needs to happen,

and I think it's a win-win.

What... [muffled]

- [moans]
- [groans]


[Lana gasps]

- Mother...
- [gun fires]

[crowd gasps]

[woman screams]

What the...


Get on the ground!


Get down! Move!

- [shouting continues]
- Archer!


Come on.



Ladies... and... gentlemen...

Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on, come on.

- What are you doing?
- Shut up.

[gasps] That is so baller.

But, like, old-school baller.

- Like medicine baller.
- Shh.

[man, muffled] Children of all ages,

welcome to this robbery.

I am your host,

Mr. Rompers.

And I did not tell you to stop.

♪ ♪

Okay, I think that red one's the leader,

so you're gonna want
to take him out first.

Now, we do not wish to harm you.

Take him out? With what?

But if you try anything foolish...

How do you not have a gun?

Uh, dahoy.

[Rompers] You will die here tonight.

Oh, right. Yeah, that thing's

about three sizes too small as it is.

[gasps] And how do you not have a gun?

Well, I would have if I had a jacket,

but since I'm just a lowly waiter...

Well, maybe you can pout your way out.

[gun cocks]


That was her,

running her fat mouth.

[string quartet continues]

[Rompers] Ladies and gentlemen,

please, this is all very simple.

Every phone line has been cut.

Every exit has been booby-trapped.

Now, please, give your

cell phones to Mr. Oingo.

He's the handsome gentleman in orange.

And give your valuables to Mr. Boingo.

He's the handsome gentleman in blue!

Please, we do not wish to harm you!

Please, just do as they say!

Thank you, my good sir. Finished?

Hm? Uh, hm. Uh, yes...

[crowd screams]

Are you insane?

I don't know. Maybe.

But check this out.

[crowd screams]

And that, ladies and germs,

is the very best you can expect.

And if Veronica Deane

doesn't get her wrinkly old
ass out here with the Tsarina,

I guess we'll have to go find it!

- [gasping]
- Shh.

First of all...

Giggles! Yum-Yum! Pinky Brewster!

Tear this place apart, room by room!

And please don't take
this the wrong way,

but your butt is like ka-kow.

They're going to kill me.

No, no, they're not.

I have a plan, but I'm
going to need you to trust me.


Because this.

[gasps] What are you doing?

They'll see it.

Shh. I know. I want them to.

What? Why?

Because I'm gonna... um,

incapacitate one of them

and then take his place.

Are you insane?

What? It's a proven concept.

Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.

Um, probably a ton of other examples.

Oh, God. I'm gonna die.

- I'm gonna die.
- Shh, hush, no you're not,

I'm gonna get you out of here.

But to do that,

I'm gonna have to do a very bad thing.

W-What? What do you mean?

[Archer sighs] Great.

Had to be the goofy pink one.

Just promise me you won't scream.

I... What?

I can't promise that.

Okay, so if you feel it coming,

maybe just do it into
your hand, phrasing.

Can you do that for me?

I... I don't know.

I'll try.

Good, you're doing great.

Just remember to breathe

in and out.

In... [inhales]

and out [exhales].


and out.

Phrasing, doing great,

and sorry in advance for
what's about to happen.

[door opening]


[chuckling] Oh, baby,

don't you worry.

I'm gonna give you something
to scream about.

Hey, Rompers, guess...




So hey, again, I'm sorry.

Why, that wasn't so bad.

I mean, you made it
sound like you were going to...


No, sorry for that.

Why did you do that?

What? That... That's how you do it.

You could have just tied him up.

With what? And also, no, I couldn't.

That only works in the movies.

He would've gotten loose or yelled or...

Well, shooting him would've
been better than that.

Not for him. Plus it's really loud,

and I actually do have tinnitus, so...

Where did you learn that, the army?

[chuckling] What? No, no, God, no.

But, I mean, don't get me wrong.

I truly appreciate the sacrifices

of the men and women who
serve in our armed forces,

but there's easier ways to almost

be eligible for food stamps.

It is just criminal what they get paid.

Although, I'd probably be an officer.

- [zipping fabric]
- Still, though...

seems like a lot of running.

And now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go kill some evil clowns.

[fabric scrunches]

Do you...

have an erection?



[string quartet]

[Shapiro groaning]

There he is.

[groaning continues]

How you doing, bub?

Uh, who...


Where... What happened?

Oh, my God, what didn't happen?

Well, for starters,

you're a one-hitter quitter.

[groans] Wait. How long was I out?

Hm, like five hours?

Oh, that is not good.

Uh, no. [chuckles]

You're gonna want a brain scan,

you know, if we don't get murdered.


[gasps] Veronica!

Where's Veronica?

That's the thing.

Nobody knows.

And these guys are losing their shit.

Well, they're under a lot of stress.

Don't start.

Because somehow, some stupid idiot

must've called 911.

[Pam] And so about a jillion
cops showed up,

so then it was a full-on siege.

And then after that, the head clown...

[giggles] Mr. Rompers.

He's awesome.

And he was like, "This blows dicks.

The bathroom situation's a nightmare.

I'm making an executive decision.

This is too many hostages."

And so then they let everyone go.

Wait, what? Everybody?

Well, except for kinda...

- the core group.
- [Malory groans]

Oh, and the band, which...

Good job, guys! Doing great!

Goddamn it!

What did I say about running your mouth?

Sorry, that was my jam.

[inhales] Hey, Mr. Rompers.

Shut... up!



Wait, so did...

Shut up.

Pam, tell him the best part.

Wh... That is the least best part.

- Tell him!
- [sighs]

So Cheryl here...

- [clears throat]
- I'm sorry.

Tania here has decided she's
got Stockholm Syndrome.

And soon I will be Mrs. Rompers.

Again, that's if we don't get murdered.

[gun cocks]