American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 18 - Senior Prank - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
This is Taylor's last performance

before she graduates, and we're gonna be

so far in the back
that I can't document it.

Swayze had his shirt off.
What was I supposed to do?

[Groans]

[Door closes]

See? The doors are closed! We're late!

Taylor goes on at 6:15. It's 6:13.

I gave us a two-minute buffer

because you pee so often these days.

[Piano plays classical music]



[Whispering] Where are you going?

To our seats.

Sorry. We're late. It's her fault.

Whenever "Point Break" is on,
she just has to finish it.

♪

Katie, what are you doing?

These are reserved for the senator.

There's no senator. I snuck in here

and taped them off
when I picked up Anna-Kat.

- But everyone else waited in line.
- Are you kidding?

These spoiled ding-a-lings had
their nannies do it for them.

You can't just
break the rules like this.

Sure, you can. See? We're doing it.

You just have to become immune



to people staring daggers at you.

This is how you handle it.

Hey, girl!

[Music ends]

[Applause]

I'm not a big classical music fan,
but that seemed fine.

- Okay, our next performer is...
- [Fart sounds]

[Laughter]

Very funny. [Chuckles] That was not me.

- I have exquisite control.
- [Fart sounds]

- [Laughter]
- [Feedback whines]

YOUNG MAN OVER P.A. SYSTEM:
Seniors rule!

[Laughter]

Westport Unified has
a tradition of senior pranks,

but this time,
you've gone too far, mister.

You fart me? Well, I fart you!

From now on, there will be
no more senior pranks

for the rest of the year,
or face the consequences!

[Audience murmurs]

[Fart sounds]

[Laughter]

[Fart sounds]

[Laughter]

[Fart sounds continue]

[Laughter continues]

- [Fart sounds]
- [Laughter]

♪

I can't believe Principal Ablin
called off senior prank.

I know, and the one I did
my last senior year

was so much fun.

You guys should just do one anyway.

Taylor, don't listen to your mother.
She's a bad influence.

My favorite memories
all involve breaking the rules.

Like in high school,
my friend Missy Andrews

stole a key to the concession stand,

and we would skip class, sneak in,

and grill hamburgers.

That's truancy, breaking
and entering, stealing...

No! It was the best.

It's also where I learned

that I was definitely not a lesbian.

- Hmm.
- What is wrong with you?

I just want our daughter
to have some fun!

Live a little. You only get one life.

Don't worry, Dad, I'm definitely
not doing a senior prank.

Right. You guys are not doing a prank.

Gotcha.

Why are you winking at me?

Great. So, you're a snitch, too.

♪

I'm worried if Taylor doesn't
learn to break the rules

and color outside the lines
once in a while,

she's going to miss out.

I'm a lawyer. My whole life is rules.

We have them for a reason...

to secure a safe and just society.

Hmm.

You know, when you're as rich as I am,

there are no rules.

Watch.

Yes, hi.

I would like that woman's food.

- Okay, she's having the...
- N-No.

You're not understanding me.

I want her food.

Oh, I... I couldn't possibly...

[Sighs]

Hey! I'm not done!

See? No rules.

Greg is such a rigid by-the-book guy,

and that's what I love about him.

Actually, I don't.
I don't know why I just said that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Continue.

Because he's such a rule-follower,

I have to go the other way to
balance things out for the kids.

So it's Greg's fault

that I have to force Taylor
to do a senior prank.

I'd like my breakfast back.

No.

Bring me your fruit.

♪

No rules!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪

If I make this, I'll
have my dad buy the Warriors.

[Sighs]

[Light thud]

Why'd you do that?

I don't care for Steph Curry.

[Door creaks lightly]

Guys...

I just got invited to a party
at Maggie K's house.

It's my first
"party for no reason" party!

That's big!

iFelicidades!

You made it.

You've become a cool kid, huh?

My money was on shut-in
or serial killer.

I'm so excited to go with Franklin.

Wait. Franklin was invited
to this party?

Well, no, but he's staying
with us this weekend.

His mom's cult
is going to Branson, Missouri,

to take in a few shows.

It's not all arms trafficking
and praying to the moon.

- You can't bring Franklin.
- I have to.

He's my platonic childhood
husband/partner.

But this is a cool-kid party,

and Franklin's a stone-cold weirdo.

No, he's not. He's unique.

Off-beat. Eccentric.

All words parents use
when their kid is a weirdo.

Well, I can't blow off this party.

That'd be social suicide.

Can you guys help me?

- By doing what?
- I don't know.

Teach Franklin to be cool
so I can take him with me.

I guess we could help this kid out.

I made you cool.
I could make Franklin cool.

Are you kidding? I made you cool, dude.

Dude, you never even
used the word "dude"

before I met you, dude.

- Dude.
- Dude.

- Dude?
- Dude.

Dude.

What the hell is going on?

Thanks for taking us
to get tacos, Mrs. A.

I lied.

We're not going to get tacos.

Oh, no, I've seen her do this to Luthor.

We're going to the vet!

We're going to your school
to pull a senior prank!

Whoo! Class of 2019!

But we're the class of 2020.

Sorry. Old habits.

♪

I've got Silly String,
shaving cream, and clothes

to make the Minuteman
look like Principal Ablin.

Let's get to work!

But aren't we gonna get in trouble?

Silly String and shaving cream wipe off.

This is harmless fun.

Taylor, trust your mother.

[Sighs]

[Gasps]

Whoa! [Chuckles]

This is so much better than my prank.

I was gonna spin around
real fast until I got dizzy.

- And?
- That was the whole prank.

Who's that pranking?

My tummy, mostly.

Oh, geez...

[Laughter]

♪

TRIP: Wow. That is such a good Ablin.

We've gotta send this to him.

- Oh, sweetie.
- I feel so alive!

But we should really get going
before we get caught.

Hang on. Here is the finishing touch.

[Gasps] Mm!

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

[Laughter]

- All right, come on down.
- [Chuckles]

- [Clears throat]
- [Clanking]

[Gasps]

Oh, my God, the statue! I broke it!

- Oh, man.
- Don't worry.

I'm sure it snaps right back in.

[Metal clinks]

[Metal clanks loudly]

I'm not gonna lie to you, kids.
This is not good.

♪

Okay, thank you.

That was the Historical Guild.

Apparently, last night,

some monster desecrated
the school's Minuteman statue!

- Off with his head!
- That's far too humane!

If these were Colonial days,

whoever did this
would be dragged by horses,

thrown off a cliff, and...

Oh, you're making fun of me.

I can't take this.
I'm going to confess to Dad.

Taylor, if you take
responsibility for your actions,

you are so grounded.

You are the weirdest mom ever!

Look, the only way
we're getting out of this mess

is if we stick together
and keep our mouths shut.

I did what you said, Mrs. A.

- I "took care" of the musket.
- [Metal clanks]

I took really good care of it.

It's cleaned and polished.

That's not at all what I meant.

I'm starting to think
I have a learning disability.

- Oh, sweetie.
- [Doorbell rings]

Ugh! Holy crap, it's Principal Ablin.

We're caught!

Trip, I am going to be very clear here

so that there's no confusion.

Bury the musket in the backyard
using a shovel,

and make sure that the musket
is fully covered with dirt

so that it's not
sticking out of the ground.

"It" being the musket,

and "the ground" being the ground.

See?

Why can't everyone talk to me like that?

- [Knock on door]
- Coming!

[Dog barking in distance]

Principal Ablin! What a surprise.

I've come with terrible news.

You're going to want to sit down.

[Door closes]

The Westport Minuteman,
our school's beloved statue,

has been vandalized.

What?!

Do you have any idea who did this?

Not yet. [Sighs] That's why I'm here.

I wanted to talk to your husband.

Oh. Um, Greg?!

[Door creaks lightly]

I'm sure you know about the attack.

I do. I was standing right
there when I heard the news.

I myself was near
the water fountain at school

that doesn't have enough pressure.

Ah, the dribbler. I know it well.

Since this is a school matter,

I'm keeping the investigation in-house,

but I need someone on my team

with an intimate knowledge
of local history.

Will you help me catch
the criminals who did this?

- Of course.
- For history!

- For Westport!
- For Mother!

Hello, Dad and Principal.

We were just outside digging holes.

We watched the movie "Holes,"

and we wanted to dig holes

like the holes they dug in "Holes."

You probably have no idea,

but your school's Minuteman
statue has been vandalized,

and Principal Ablin here
has no idea who did it.

No idea.

But I soon will.

Spread the word, kids.

Whichever senior did this

will not be able to walk at graduation.

Milady.

- Is he threatening to break our legs?
- [Door opens]

I'll explain later.

♪

Okay, Franklin,
my brother and Cooper are here

to get you ready
for your first cool-kid party.

Ooh, a makeover!

But just so you know,
I'm happy with my frame,

so I don't want to get too buff.

Franklin, the two things you need
to succeed at a Westport party

are conversation skills
and a sick outfit.

Do you have a go-to funny story?

Do I!

Me and my Uncle Julius
were on a canoe trip,

and I had a fishing line
hanging off my extra toe...

We're shutting this down right now.

I'll give you one of my stories,

you'll memorize it
and say it word for word.

We need to lose the tiger shirt.

Mm-hmm, definitely.

And are you wearing jeggings, Franklin?

Oh, jeggings is a much better name.

I've been calling them leg-eans.

Let's get to work.

The Minuteman was placed here
over 200 years ago.

The school was actually
built around the statue in 1958.

And here he stands,

a symbol of those
who defended this town.

Now it's our turn to defend him.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

I'm going to take this
to the lab and get it tested.

- It's Silly String.
- But can we be sure?

- Yeah. We can be sure.
- Hmm.

The lab will give us
a definitive answer.

Now...

Mm.

What is this mystery substance here?

It's very clearly shaving cream.

Or is that what
the culprit wants us to think?

- Only the lab will know for sure.
- What lab?

Well, it's not a Labrador Retriever,
I'll tell you that.

That's a joke that the professionals
in the lab taught me.

♪

So I'm in Lake Como
on my dad's 78-foot yacht

and they're bringing out the caviar...

No, no, no. Wagyu steak skewers.

If you can't remember that,

then we're just going to
have to do the Prague story,

because they're not going to
serve caviar at Lake Como.

Not at that time of year.

Franklin, if you want to remember Wagyu

just remember... Wagyu, doo-doo.

He can remember anything
if you just put doo-doo in it.

Watch this...

Franklin, what's the
atomic number of titanium?

- Two, two!
- The system works.

♪

Katie, can you move your car?

Why don't you just take mine?
The keys are on the table.

Great. See you later.

- [Door opens]
- There's empty cans of Silly String

- and shaving cream in the back seat!
- [Door closes]

I told you to dissolve those
in an acid bath!

- We don't have any acid!
- You didn't even call Home Depot!

Go!

[Door opens]

Wait! Dad!

What's up, sweetie?

Um, I'm worried about you and Mom.

- What?
- It's just...

I haven't seen you guys kiss
in a really long time.

And I'm worried about your marriage.

Taylor, that's insane.

Greg, our daughter
is clearly very upset.

Let's show her that our
relationship is as strong as ever.

Well, I...

♪

[Car door closes]

Thanks, guys.

That was great.

Okay, good. She feels better.

That was weird,

[Chuckling] but I'll take it.

♪

I handed it to her, she took a sip,

and she said, "That's the best
lemonade I've ever had."

And that's where Beyoncé got
the name for her album.

I don't need credit, though.

The compliment was enough.

You did it! That's the story.

You told it from beginning
to end with no mistakes.

And this outfit...

If we could achieve this with my Dad,

I could maybe get behind
being seen in public with him.

What happens when he's done
telling the story?

What does he say then?

After a story like that,

all he has to do
is lean against the wall,

sip some water, and play it cool.

Coop, show him.

Whoa.

[Sighs]

Standing and sipping water?

It'll take some practice,
but I think I can do it.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Okay, here's what I've got so far.

Below the statue,

it says, "Seniors Rule,"
in shaving cream.

You were right.

And you were right about
the Silly String, too.

It cost me $200
to have a lab confirm that,

plus a $250 speeding ticket
I got racing to the lab.

Money well-spent.

So, since I've left,
you've made... zero progress.

It's shaving cream
and Silly String, Greg.

[Chuckling] We now know that.

Why don't we check
the school's security cameras?

- Those are fake.
- But wasn't there a fundraiser?

We used the money for Restoration Hardware
couches for the teachers' lounge.

- Pretty sweet.
- But without footage or some evidence,

we're never going to solve this case.

All we need to do is go to every store

within a hundred-mile radius
that sells Silly String

and interview the clerks. Aggressively.

I don't know why I thought
this was going to be real.

♪

[British accent] ...and don't forget

to attach your bibliography.

Properly formatted!

[Laughter]

You do such a good
Mrs. Conway impression.

Why is Franklin over there by himself?

♪

Oh, he's just jet lagged from Italy.

Oh, my gosh, Italy? I love Italy.

Hey, Franklin, Anna-Kat said

you just got back from Europe.

It was Italy, actually.

[Laughter]

You're just as funny as Anna-Kat!

Why don't you tell them
about your trip, Franklin?

It was so interesting

and worthy of telling
other people about.

I'd love to.

So I'm in Lake Como
on my dad's 78-foot yacht

and they're bringing out
the Wagyu steak skewers...

Lake Como?

Isn't that where
George Clooney has a place?

Uh...

Just keep going.

So I'm in Lake Como
on my dad's 78-foot yacht...

You already said that.

I know but I only have it
memorized from the beginning.

Wait, what do you mean memorized?

Just continue the story
from where you stopped.

[Whispering] So I'm in Lake Como

on my dad's 78-foot yacht.

[Normal voice] And they're bringing out

the doo-doo steaks... I mean, Wag-doo.

Shoot. What do I do?

Just do the water thing.

Pardon me for a minute,
I've developed a thirst.

[Indistinct conversations]

Franklin! No. Abort!

Franklin! No! Stop!

So I'm in Lake Como
on my dad's 78-foot yacht,

and they're bringing out
the Wagyu steak skewers...

♪

[Gulping]

♪

So it turns out

- Principal Ablin's no Hercule Poirot.
- I'm sorry, who?

- He's no Inspector Gadget.
- Got it.

We're never going to find out
who damaged that statue.

Don't give up, Mr. A.
You're better than that.

[Grunts]

Give up, Mr. A.
You're not better than that.

Well, this is a real shame.

It will forever remain unsolved,

like who killed Biggie.

[Luthor walking]

Why does Luthor have
the Minuteman's musket?

He must have attacked the vandals

and kept the musket as a trophy.

Good boy, Luthor!

Well, case closed.

You're right.

Luthor is the vandal.

- Case closed.
- [Luthor whines]

Case closed!

Okay, what the hell is going on?

Well, clearly someone
broke into our backyard

and buried the musket
in an effort to frame us.

No.

Me, Trip, and Mom vandalized the statue.

And that's why you're not my favorite.

We let you down, Mrs. A.

I'm sorry we're not the
criminals you wanted us to be.

I'm going to return the musket and
tell Ablin who's responsible.

- Good job, Luthor.
- [Door opens]

- Idiot.
- [Door closes]

♪

Oh, there you are.

I didn't do such a good job
being cool, did I?

It's okay, Franklin.

You know, this isn't really
my scene, man.

I'm just going to stay in here

for the rest of the party.

Okay, want me to get you anything?

I'll take more of that
flower water if they have it.

That stuff is good.

I'll see what I can do.

♪

[Piano playing]

FRANKLIN: ♪ And in
the bad times, I fear myself ♪

♪

♪ I'm off the deep end,
watch as I dive in ♪

♪ I'll never meet the ground ♪

♪ Crash through the surface,
where they can't hurt us ♪

♪ We're far from the shallow now ♪

♪

♪ In the sha-ha, sha-ha-low ♪

♪ In the sha-, sha-la-la-la-low ♪

♪ In the sha-ha, sha-ha-low ♪

♪ We're far from the shallow now ♪

♪

[Applause]

Franklin, that was beautiful!

I didn't know
you knew how to play the piano.

Your voice is...

Like an angel. I know.

I never should've listened
to Oliver and Cooper.

You're perfect just being you.

I'm always myself.

Except when I'm the ghost
of my Uncle Julius

who died in that canoe accident.

Franklin, I'm sorry
I tried to change you.

That's okay.

I know I'm weird.

But I really like myself.

I could do without
the chronic lower back pain,

but I heard it gets better
as you get older.

["Heart and Soul" plays]

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

Principal Ablin.

Good news.

As you can see,
I'm this close to solving it.

Now all I have to do

is replace these question marks
with names and faces.

I know who did it.

It was me.

I knew it!

It's the only reason
I put you on the case,

to keep my enemies close.

You almost got away with it.

But nobody escapes... Ablin Justice.

But I turned myself in.

Potato potato.

♪

I can't believe we're not
walking at graduation.

Again.

[Sighs]

I'm really sorry, guys.

So I talked with Principal Ablin.

Taylor and Trip should be
allowed to walk graduation.

Taylor worked so hard this year,

I thought she just deserved
a little fun.

This is on me. I'm going to go tell
Ablin that I broke the statue.

Too late. I already told him I did it.

- You what?
- And as punishment, he's putting me

on the school's recycling committee

even though I founded the committee,

and I'm still not sure why
he'd think that's a punishment.

- Thank you!
- Oh.

Mr. A, thanks,
but why'd you take the blame?

Sometimes it's okay to break the rules,

especially when
it's to protect your kid.

That is what I've been saying
the whole time!

No, you haven't been saying that at all.

What you've been saying is,

your best memories
involve breaking the rules,

and I realized my best memory does, too.

Back when I was a TA in college,

there was this cute, vivacious
student I really wanted to ask out,

but it was strictly forbidden.

So, I broke the rules,
asked her out anyway.

Look at that.

Without a little rule breaking,

this family wouldn't even exist.

Aww.

Do you know what you're awwing about?

No, but your dad told a long story

and your mom didn't say
anything mean, so...

♪

Hey, guys.

- So?
- How'd our boy do?

- Franklin was amazing!
- COOPER: That does it.

We're opening a finishing school
for high-class boys.

It actually had nothing to do
with your advice.

I never should've listened
to you dummies.

FRANKLIN: And this outfit is all wrong.

You don't cover up these guns.
You show them off.

Then what happened?

Turns out,
Franklin doesn't need your help.

There's tons we don't know about him.

Did you know
he's a black belt in karate?

There's no way
you're a black belt in karate.

Shut him up, Franklin.

[Franklin exhales sharply]

I learned it from watching
"Walker, Texas Ranger."

I don't even know
what to believe anymore.