American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - A Very English Scandal - full transcript

All right, Viv,
I'm ready to wrap this up.

How far have we gone?

[Cellphone beeps]

0.8 miles.

What?

But we have been walking for an hour!

It's been 11 minutes.

Ugh. Exercise messes
with my internal clock.

You're on your own.

Oh, come on!

[Groans]



I'm tired of always being on my own.

[Sighs] But you have Violet.

She's 2.

Her legs are dimply like yours,

but she does not have your wit.

I like the wit part,
so I'm overlooking the rest.

You know, I am a strong,
independent woman

who's totally capable
of raising a kid alone.

I'm just...

I just miss having someone
to share my life with.

But I don't want another

self-absorbed Westport banking guy.

I want a good guy.

- You need to find someone like Greg.
- [Groans]



In fact, if he doesn't stop
snoring, you can have my Greg.

I would love a Greg.

I just don't know how to spot one.

That is why I need you to come
out with me and be my wingwoman.

I don't have that kind of time.

I'm raising kids. I run a business.

I just thought because you were the one

that convinced me to reject my ex

and stand on my own two feet

that you might want to help.

I could see why you'd think that,

- but I do not.
- [Car approaches]

[Car horn honks]

Called a Lyft.

You can either keep your face
or your ass, Viv.

I choose my face.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪♪

Hey, Mom. How was your walk?

Stupid.

Walking is stupid, son. Remember that.

You need a hand?

I could skip school
and make lasagna with you.

You're being helpful.

I demand an explanation.

I'm just... nervous about
going to school today.

Why?

A kid from school came out to me
on Teen Help Line.

But I think he was worried
I was gonna out him,

so he posted on Instagram
that I was gay,

and the whole school saw it.

Are you sure this isn't just an
elaborate story you're making up

to tell me something about yourself?

- I'm not gay.
- Fine.

So, why don't you just tell everyone
at school that it's just a lie?

If I do, I'll just be confirming
all of this guy's worst fears,

that being gay
is something to be ashamed of.

I have to lead by example

and show him
that people thinking I'm gay

is not a big deal.

So, you'll be gay for him,
but not your own mother?

That is some takeaway.

♪♪

VIV: Oh, hey, Katie!

Gotta stay in shape if I'm gonna
find a guy by myself!

I used to be able to count on you

to be the worst one in the family.

But now you're running around
helping people.

Seriously, Oliver, look at what
you're making me do.

Viv, I'm in!

We'll find you a Greg!

Whoo! I love it!

I'm here for you, girl! [Chuckles]

This is who I am now. Hope you're happy.

♪♪

Ta!

Katie, good news.

My brother's flying in from England.

He's lecturing at Yale.

[Gasps] Let's set him up with Viv!

- What?
- She's lonely, he's lonely.

She said she wanted a Greg. He's a Greg.

Katie, relationships aren't just math.

They move in ways beyond
arbitrary connection...

- You're stalling.
- I don't want him to be with Viv.

I want him to be with me. He's mine!

Look, if I had a sister

from my father's secret second family,

I would pimp her out
to your annoying friend.

There's no way to prove that.

That's why I feel confident
throwing it out there.

My brother's going to stay
with us for a few days.

I'm really excited to do all
the typical brother stuff

we missed out on...

antiquing, reciting soliloquies...

C'mon! Viv wants all my attention.

She's up my butt about this.

And she's really skinny right now.

She might accidentally slip up there.

I'm not setting up my brother with Viv,

and I don't want to hear
another word about it.

Great.

Now I'm frustrated,

and I'll probably brush my teeth
too aggressively.

If my gumline recedes, it's on you.

♪♪

[Students whispering indistinctly]

YOUNG MAN: It's him.

YOUNG WOMAN: There he is.

They're walking together.

[Whispering continues]

People are staring.

It's either because
they think you're gay,

or I look stunning in paisley.

Having not done it many times before,

doing the right thing
is an incredible hassle.

Hello, Oliver. Oliver's boyfriend.

Oh, I'm not his...

None of my business. [Chuckles]

I heard your news.

You know that conversation
we had the other day?

I want to clarify a few things.

♪♪

Principal Ablin,

would you throw my name in
the hat for Distinguished Pupil?

It'd look good
on my college application.

You're Katie Otto's son.

Yes.

Then no.

I do not care for
the people you associate with.

When I said "the people
you associate with,"

I certainly hope that it was
clear that I meant your mother,

not other gay people.

I hadn't given it much thought.

Until now.

Now it's all I can think about.

Oh. [Clears throat]

Maybe being named Distinguished Pupil

will take it off your mind, huh?

Does that come with a letter
of recommendation perhaps?

It does.

I'll write one up tout de suite.

[Scoffs] You see that?

He's falling all over himself
to keep me happy.

Huh. Turns out being gay
is the same as being rich.

♪♪

What are you doing
with your stuffed animals?

[Sighs] I was just at Penny's house.

She re-did her room.

All of her little kid stuff is gone.

She made The Jump,

and all my friends have, too.

So, if I ever want to have anyone over,

it's time I get rid of all this.

I get that.

I don't know if I can
get rid of my ponies.

Especially Glittermane.

She was brought to life
by a dark wizard.

It's not gonna be a clean kill.

When I was making The Jump,

the one thing I couldn't
get rid of was my Barbies.

Couldn't let 'em go.

- So, what'd you do?
- I went cold turkey.

I threw them in the trash
and watched as the garbage truck

took them away forever.

Then I guess that's what I'll do, too.

After feeding them and bathing them

and taking in one last glorious sunset.

Don't judge my process.

♪♪

Otto bros in the house!

- Katie!
- Greg!

It's so nice to see you again.

I've got Greg's office
all set up for you.

Oh, do you have an adapter?

I need to plug in
my rainforest noise machine.

Greg always travels with
a rainforest noise machine.

Even though we were brought up
on different continents,

- we have so much in common.
- We're both academics.

We both like crustless sandwiches.

- War reenactments.
- A cappella groups.

♪ Yes, we ♪

[Harmonizing] ♪ Do-ah ♪

- [Chuckles]
- Wow.

On the way here, Greg wanted to
try a real American donut,

so we stopped off at the... [Shudders]

It's too cold in my office for him.

- I'm sure he's fine.
- No.

See, we have this cosmic connection

where I can tell what he's feeling.

Okay, I'm just gonna head this off now.

You're not twins. You don't
even have the same mother.

You're just two dorks
who share the same horny dad.

Pip pip, Ottos! Viv is here!

- [Door closes]
- Did you tell her about my brother?

What? No.

People say "Pip pip."

- Hello.
- [Gasps] Oh!

I'm Greg's brother Greg.

I'm Viv.

I heard you were coming and
I wanted to make you feel at home,

so I made you some crumpets.

- Crumpets?
- [Giggles]

You are so thoughtful.

Greg, who is this angel?

Come, sit, tell me
everything about yourself.

Uh, were you a C-section?
Were you a breach?

I want to know every detail,
right from the start.

This Greg is so much better than yours.

I told her not to be
her everyday awful self,

and he's totally buying it.

I specifically told you not to
set up my brother with Viv.

Yes, but when are you going to
stop asking me

not to do things that you know
that I'm going to do anyway?

It puts me in a very
uncomfortable position.

This is your fault.

Viv's eating up my time with my brother.

They were out late last night.

They got back early this morning.

At this rate, we're never
gonna get to play chess.

I'll play chess with you.

Yeah, okay.

Mm.

Hello, all.

Ah.

Viv and I had the most magical morning

strolling through the park,

talking about our lives, our dreams.

Did you know she wants
to move into a cottage?

A cottage seems a little small

for a woman with... a child.

Violet? I love that Viv has a kid.

It's like having a starter kit.

Starter kit for what?

What are you starting?

A family, I guess.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself,

but I feel like I'm in
the middle of a romantic comedy,

where you meet someone,

and 90 minutes later, you're
running through the airport

as Liam Neeson cheers you on.

[Chuckles] It's "Love, Actually."

It's infatuation, at best.

I hope you don't mind,

but I made Viv
my plus-one to the lecture.

I mean, you were just coming to be nice,

but Viv is genuinely interested
in the lasting impact

that the Norman Conquest had
on the Flemish people.

She never shuts up about it.

So, I'm not going to the lecture?

I knew you'd understand.

Thanks, mate.

We need to put a stop to this.

Oh, honey. You know I never
put your needs before mine.

♪♪

Goodbye, old friends.

How do you feel?

Older.

I think I might even start writing

with pencils that don't
smell like fruit.

Hmm.

♪♪

So, it's day dos.

What's life like out of the closet?

A few whispers.

My ex-girlfriend walked up to me
and said, "That makes sense."

Didn't care for that.

But overall, pretty good.

Hello, boys.

Don't mean to interrupt your date,

but, uh, I have
a letter of recommendation.

One page?

This seems more like
a "note" of recommendation.

Oh, this? [Chuckles]

This is just a rough draft.

I'm going to flesh it out, obviously.

Obviously.

And print it
on 28-pound cream-linen paper.

Thanks, sport.

Hey, watch this.

Hey, Oliver!

My eyes are up here, not down here!

- [Chuckles]
- Dude, don't be like that.

So not cool.

Yeah, what he did took real guts.

Besides, what does that
have to do with you?

I...

♪♪

Greg's brother is really into Viv.

He's talking about delaying
his flight back to England

so he can spend more time with her.

What does your Greg
have to say about that?

He's mad.

But he's not looking at the big picture.

Viv is off my hands.

No more walks, no more guilt...

I think it's you who's not
seeing the big picture.

Yeah, she's right.

If they get serious,

Viv could be your sister-in-law.

[Gasps]

Don't you ever say that.

Well, what did you think would happen

when you set Viv up
with your brother-in-law?

Well, I never think
two moves in advance!

That's why I'm bad at Connect Four!

Sister-in-laws suck.

All the e-mails,

who's making what for Thanksgiving,

Christmas spending limits?

Ugh! And you just know
she's gonna want to

take that family
jumping picture on the beach.

Ugh, where we're all barefoot in jeans,

wearing white linen shirts.

I mean, don't worry, though.

I really only saw my sister-in-law
a few times a year.

It's not like she lived in Westport.

Hmm. That... That's
a good point, Angela.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, Katie,

hey, uh, remind us...
where does Viv live again?

Across the street.

[Both laugh]

This is your house. This is her house.

[Laughs]

- They're so close!
- [Laughs]

Okay. All right.

♪♪

Greg?!

[Door slams]

- What?
- We have to break them up.

What is it going to take for you
to make me listen to you?

Are you trying to make it my fault
that you constantly ignore me?

Sorry! I'm very flustered right now!

And I'm hot!

Viv and Greg are walking up.

Time to destroy their love.

[Both laugh]

Hey! Come sit.
We're gonna have some lunch.

Oh! Didn't you tell them?

Oh, shoot.

Viv made plans for us.

I meant to text,

but it's been pretty hard
to focus lately.

A-At least we've worked out
our couple name.

Right, Griv?

Ooh! [Laughs]

I want to show him
my favorite place in town.

The waxer?

No, silly!

The cannons on Compo Beach.

It's where the British invaded

and the Americans held them off.

Except this American's
gonna let you right in.

Ooh! [Chuckles]

U-S-A!

U-S-A!

Viv, before you go, why don't
you and I take a power walk?

- Now?
- Right now.

[Gasps]

You finally caught the exercise bug?

I've been working on you for years!

Ohh!

Huh.

I wonder if you'll still have
that big, beautiful head

when you have that little, tiny body.

Okay.

I'll miss you.

The elements be kind to thee

and make thy spirits all of
comfort... fare thee well.

Fare thee weller.

Not a proper comparative adverb form.

[Sighs]

Well, this gives me a chance to pack.

But I thought you changed your flight.

I did. I'm moving in to Viv's.

How did I not feel this coming?

♪♪

You can't go to Viv's.

Why ever not?

Listen, Greg, Viv is just
looking for a sugar daddy.

What are you talking about?
She has a huge house.

It's not hers. She's broke.

She's only with you for your money.

- Really?
- Really.

Oh, wow.

It's no wonder things are
moving so quickly.

And why she seems so
into the Norman Conquest.

Nobody cares about it
that much, British Greg.

I do.

I wasted so much time with her

when I should have been
hanging out with you.

Hey...

I just got so caught up in everything.

It sounds so silly now,

but I think that was the first
time I'd ever been in love.

Really?

I suppose life doesn't work
like a romantic comedy

'cause it lasts a lot longer
than an hour and a half

and, it seems, has no happy ending.

Turns out I'm not
Prime Minister Hugh Grant.

I'm just department store Mr. Bean.

Maybe a game of chess will cheer you up.

[Sighs]

I'll get started. You'll get into it.

♪♪

[Groans]

Viv, you're moving too fast.

I know it seems like it,

but things just feel so right with Greg.

No, I'm talking about us. Walking.

Oh.

But also about British Greg.
You don't even know him.

I know all I need to know.

And his name is Greg Otto.

[Gasps]

- Oh my God! Katie.
- Mm-hmm?

We could both be Mrs. Greg Ottos.

[Gasps] We could do one of
those awesome family photos

where we all wear
matching outfits on the beach.

British Greg is only
looking to marry someone

so that he can get his green card,

and then he's going to dump them after.

What?

Greg told me.

This is why you wanted to walk with me?

To tell me? It's not
because you like walks?

Yes.

Wow.

Two betrayals at once.

It just felt so real with Greg.

How could it have been real?

You weren't even acting like yourself.

Well, that's the thing...

with him, I was being myself.

My old self.

The person I was
before I came to this town

and got so caught up in the culture of

"Who are you wearing?"
"Who makes that bag?"

"Why are you friends with Katie?"

I'm so sorry.

If it helps,

I didn't call a car to come pick me up.

You probably should.

- I think I need to be alone right now.
- Oh.

Come on. Let's walk. We'll talk!

Okay, well, I'm obviously
not doing that.

♪♪

- [Camera shutter clicks]
- How do I look?

Like the school's
newest Distinguished Pupil.

Being gay has really
worked out well for you.

- And me.
- What do you mean?

I can't even count the number of girls

telling me how sensitive
and evolved I am

for having a gay best friend.

You're like walking a really cute dog.

You're so bad.

I think I can say stuff like that now.

[Chuckles]

Hey, you guys need to see
what Will just posted.

Hi, everyone!

I need to tell you something.

First, I owe Oliver Otto an apology

for that post I made up about him.

Oliver, you're a good guy
who went out of his way

to show me I could live
a happy life as my honest self.

Oliver's not gay.

I am.

Oh.

Look at that. He just came out.

And you just got in'd.

That's too bad.

You were so interesting for a while.

♪♪

Ugh. Where is your brother?

I have to talk to him.

The plan worked.
He's on his way to the train station

so he can catch his original flight.

He was pretty upset, but it
was the right thing to do.

It was the wrong thing to do.

What Viv and Greg had was real,

and we ruined it.

Are you sure?

Wait.

You're right.

My brother's heart is broken.
I can feel it.

Call him.

- This is Greg.
- Straight to voicemail.

All right. We're going to
the train station.

- What about Viv?
- We have to find her.

We were running, and I lost her.

Okay, she was running,
and I walked home.

I called an Uber,
but I met it at the corner.

All right, it met me
at my exact location.

You broke me. You happy now?

♪♪

I hear the garbage truck.

This is really the end of...

What the hell is that?!

Oh, it's my last Barbie.

The only one who survived that day.

I watched from the window

as the truck slowly crushed my dolls.

I can still hear their screams...

"You're killing me!"

"Why is this happening?"

"I had a house in Malibu!"

You made it sound like
it was no big deal.

Turns out it was actually
super traumatizing.

I ran downstairs
as the truck drove away,

and I found her by the curb
next to the trash bin.

She must have jumped out
at the last minute.

[Chuckles]

It's a good thing I dressed her
in her high-tops.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Let's go get those ponies!

♪♪

Viv, let's go get your man.

In that car?

Shut up and get in.

[Tires screech]

You can't park here!

We have to! She's in love!

Oh! I didn't realize!

ANNOUNCER: Train 638
to Grand Central Station

now arriving at Platform Two.

- Oh, no. I don't see him!
- [Groans]

Greg, do you feel him?

I'm kidding. That whole thing is stupid.

♪♪

♪♪

You can't steal my childhood!

- Do you live here?
- Yeah.

Tell your parents to start
tipping at the holidays.

♪♪

[Gasps] Oh! There he is!

- Greg!
- Greg!

- Katie.
- Greg?!

What's going on?

You're not going anywhere.

- Viv, Greg told me...
- I was lying.

They can't be trusted.

Please stay.

[Sighs]

I would love to.

[Squeals]

♪♪

They seem genuinely happy together.

Even if it's not what's best for us,

we did the right thing.

♪♪

Don't tell Viv,

but I got the better Greg.

♪♪

[Gasps] Come play with me and Violet.

I'm watching her
while Viv and Uncle Greg

are with Mom and Dad.

Are those my ponies?

Violet found the box.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Hi, Violet.

You like these ponies?

They need a good home.

You can take them with you,
if you'd like.

I want you to meet Sergeant Sparkles.

He's my favorite.

If you ever get scared
or just need a friend...

I promise he'll always watch over you.

Because his eyes never close.

I'm really proud of you.

You just made The Jump.

I did. [Chuckles]

You should give her your Barbie.

Uh...

No.

♪♪

Well, well, well.

Look who's no longer
a member of a protected class.

[Chuckles]

Obviously, Distinguished Pupil
is out of the question.

Here's the recommendation
I missed "NCIS" to write.

[Spits]

Here's the real one.

"Detention."

See you then, sport.

♪♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com