American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - Faking Bad - full transcript

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(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

Aah!

I can't believe
we're eating here.

This place is so demeaning.

Well, when you
can afford to pay,



you can pick the restaurant.

But should that day ever
come-- and it won't--

we'll still be coming here
for the same reason.

Great pastrami!

You're a pig.

At least I'm not broke.

At least I'm not a loser.

I'm not a loser!

Knock it off, you two!

Hi, welcome to Boobers
where we got a Double D

from the health department.

Zoe?

I-I haven't seen you
since high school.

Oh, my God!



Hayley!

Sorry, I try not
to make eye contact

with my customers.

They never make
eye contact with me.

They should be ashamed
of themselves!

You are not just some objects.

Wow, it's been forever.

So, where you living now?

At home.

Actually, I did move out
for a bit.

To your boyfriend's van.

You know, me and Kristen
and Danuta still hang out.

We're all going
to the Skylark tonight.

You should come.

Yeah, that sounds fun.

Great.

I'll be back in a minute
to take your order.

Hold on, lady.

I'm actually here
on official business.

F.B.I.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to verify those alleged breasts.

I'm not falling for this again.

(beeps)

Well, machine says
your I.D. checks out.

Why do you guys
keep hassling me?

Zoe, don't!
This is fake.

My brother made it.

Boo!
Boo!

Let me ask you.

How do your parents feel
about you working here?

Hey, how's everyone doing?

You enjoying my
little girl's boobs?

♪

Thanks for inviting
me out, guys.

It's so fun hanging out again.

Well, it's a little
early to say that,

MAN:
I.D.'s.

They're carding?

You don't have
a fake I.D.?

You got to go to Kevin Ramage.

He'll make you one
for 200 bucks.

Plus you got to
make out with him.

What?

I-I can't afford $200.

Oh, bummer.

I guess we'll
catch you later then.

You were right, she
was too optimistic.

I know a club
that doesn't card.

The club of Jesus Christ
of Latter-Day Saints.

Hey, how's the tail
in there tonight?

Fine as hell, dawg.

(deep breath)

(exhales)

Hey, buddy.

It's called Fortress
of Solitude,

not Fortress of Come On In.

Oh, right.

Star Trek Wars.

(imitates lasers firing)

I can't even...

First of all...

You're-you're not...

(groans)
What do you want?

I just wanted to say
how impressed I was

with your Federal Boobie
Inspector card.

And I was wondering
if you could maybe do

a fake driver's license for me?

Yeah?

Oh, I-I thought
I was a loser.

You know who
the real losers are, Steve?

The ones who stay angry
after being called losers.

Okay, I'll do it.

(sotto voce):
What a loser.

♪

Oh, you got a fake I.D.?

I didn't think
you could afford one.

(laughs)
That's funny.

And, you know who would
love that joke?

My butler,
but he wouldn't laugh,

because he's a great butler.

(beeps)

Wait, you're scanning
I.D.'s now?

We're cracking down ever since

that toddler died
of alcohol poisoning.

They teach you a lot of
things in bouncer school,

but they don't teach you
how to live with a mistake.

(beeps)
Nope.

(beeps)
Nope.

(beeps)
Nope.

(beeps)
Yep.

Go on in.

Hayley, wow.

Did Ramage make you that?

No, I got my own guy.

Yo, can your guy make
me a certification

to be a heart surgeon?

'Cause my mama's
got a bad heart,

and I just know I could
do something about it

if I could just get in there.

HAYLEY:
Hey, buddy.

Not now.

You-you'll have
to excuse me.

We've had a lot of trouble

with kids breaking in
and building blanket forts.

Steve, my friends here
would like

to buy some
fake I.D.'s from you.

Buy fake I.D.'s?

Hayley, can I talk to you
in private for a minute?

Hayley, what you're suggesting
could get us in deep trouble.

You're selling fake I.D.'s
to teenagers.

At most, you'd get
a slap on the wrist.

Aah!

But I use my wrists
all the time.

Steve, you won't get
in trouble.

I mean, with your talent
and my distribution network,

do you know how much money
we could make?

I don't know.

Maybe this'll convince you.

All right, he'll
do your I.D.'s.

But first he's got
to do his day job.

He's a licensed
Federal Boobie Inspector.

Ladies.

I'm taking on a lot
of risk here.

You mind asking them
to jump up and down?

("Legal Tender" by The B-52s
playing)

♪ We're in the basement

♪ Learning to print

♪ All of it's hot

♪ 10, 20, 30 million
ready to be spent ♪

♪ We're stackin'
'em against the wall ♪

♪ Those gangster presidents

♪

♪ Livin' simple
and trying to get by ♪

♪ But, honey, prices have shot
through the sky ♪

♪ So I fixed up the basement

♪ With what
I was a-workin' with ♪

♪ Stocked it full
of jelly jars ♪

♪ And heavy equipment

(fades):
♪ We're in the basement...

Thank you.

We'll call your fake name
when it's ready.

Next!

Roger?

The name is Kevin Ramage.

Roger?

I'm only doing this
one more time.

The name is Kevin Ramage.

Word on the street is you're
horning in on my business.

Yeah, well, word on the street
is your product sucks.

Yeah, well, word on the street
is I don't have a comeback

for that, but what I do have
are these brawny sidemen.

Show them the rough stuff, boys!

(grunting)

If you don't get out
of my territory,

this is gonna be you.

Get lost, Ramage.

Yeah, there's
a new counterfeiter in town.

And his name is Steve.

No, Hayley, I've given
a lot of thought to this.

From now on,

my name is Guttenberg.

Oh, like the inventor
of the printing press?

Steve Guttenberg invented
the printing press?

Okay, guys, I believe
we've made our point.

And if you two don't
back off my territory,

then this is what's
waiting for you.

That's right, so you better
think long and har...

(groaning)

Whatever.

Okay, next I.D. is ready.

Mike Rotch?

I'm looking for Mike Rotch.

(laughing)

Smith, I was tearing it up at
the Rope and Pony last night,

and I accidentally picked
up a 17-year-old girl

all because of this!

Were it not for the girl's
father bursting in

at the last moment, I'd be
a sex offender right now.

Wow, I've never seen a fake I.D.
as sophisticated as this.

If these got
into the wrong hands,

they could be a huge threat
to national security.

That's what I was trying
to tell her father

before he fell on all those
bullets coming out of my gun.

Anyway, your new priority
is to find the man

who's making these and
shut him down for good.

You can count on me, sir.

Do we have any leads?

Only one.

He goes by the name Guttenberg.

Steve Guttenberg.

But we have no record of a man
by that name ever existing.

Wow, last night was
our best take ever.

Way to go, little bro.

Right back at you, big sis.

STAN:
I knew it!

I knew I could find
the kitchen blindfolded.

Boy, do I know this house.

Uh, hey-hey, Dad.

What's new?

I've just been handed
a very important case.

Some master forger
named Guttenberg

is making fake I.D.'s.

The best I've ever seen.

That's right.

He should be as nervous

as you two look right now.

All I have to do
is bait the trap.

And he may be a master forger,

but I am a master bai... whoa!

Whoa, that was close.

Almost master-baited
myself there.

Did you hear that?

We got to quit!

Calm down.
He doesn't know it's us.

Besides, we're making
too much money

for you to chicken out now.

And don't you like working
with your big sis?

Well... yeah.

And I can't do it without you.

You're the genius
who makes it all happen.

You really mean that?

I do.

And don't worry about Dad.

I've been keeping things
from him my whole life.

A-ha!
(both gasp)

Is playing the county fair.

Although now that
I think about it,

I only know that one song.

And parking.

And fair food
gives me the runs.

You know what, I talked
myself out of it.

I'll leave you
to your whispers.

Stan, are you coming to bed?

Oh, quite the opposite,
Francine.

Not only am I not going
to bed as Stan,

I'm leaving the house
as someone else.

Feel free to ask
a follow-up question.

No, that's okay.

You see, Francine,
if I'm gonna catch a man

who sells fake I.D.'s to teens,
I need to go undercover tonight

in full 21 Jump Street mode.

♪

Excuse me, fellow youth.

Can I ask you
where one might...?

Let me ask you a
question first.

Can I buy you a drink?

Me?

This young thing?

Sure.

♪

(thunder crashes)

♪

♪

You're trembling.

It's just that...

I'm afraid this might be
one big dream,

and I don't want to wake up.

So how did it go?

Did you get that intel
you were looking for?

Damn it!

And so, after four dates

and a trip to the Cape
with his family,

I finally got the information
I was looking for.

His parents made us sleep
in separate rooms,

but, uh, you know.

Anyway, Guttenberg parks
his van at Fifth and Wellington

every Thursday night.

And tonight will be his last.

Hayley, who are you calling?

Ma, I need the room.

Why don't you go down
to the mall kiosk

and get yourself
a nice phone case?

Ooh, you're so good to me.

(phone line ringing)
Come on, Steve, pick up.

(cell phone buzzing)

(printer chirps)

Uhp, out of toner again.

Uh! I told Hayley we should have
gotten a bubble jet printer.

But she's, like,
"No, they cost too much."

And I'm like, "Yeah, but
the price per page is lower."

And she's, like,
"Hey, do what you want."

And I'm, like,
"No, I don't want to upset you.

Not that important."

Yup, that's how
that conversation went down.

You've Gutten away
for the last time, Guttenberg.

Berg your pardon?

Cat Gutte your tongue?

You're arrested!

You're just too Gutte
to be true,

I won't take my cuffs
off of you.

Any of those will be fine.

What the hell?

Steve! What are you
doing here?

I was just walking
home for dinner

when somebody jumped me,

threw a bag over my head
and shoved me in Jeff's van!

Oh, yeah, this is Jeff's van.

Wait a minute.
What did your kidnapper say?

He said his name was Guttenberg,

and that you're Gutten colder,

and it might be a Gutt I.D.-ah
for you to give up.

(sighs) Using my own
child, and worst of all,

my son-in-law's van
to make me look like a fool!

He's toying with me.

Yeah, it's like he's
one step ahead of you.

That hadn't occurred to me,
but you're right!

He's probably
watching me right now!

Oh, almost definitely.

You like to watch, Guttenberg?!

You want a show?!

Well, how do you like this?!

Who looks like a fool now?

(both laugh)

Thank God I picked up that
second time you called.

I had plenty of time to
put the bag over my head

and tie up my hands.

But how did you hide
the equipment?

Simple magician's patter.

It was all misdirection.

♪

Wow. You came so close
to getting caught.

Were you scared?

No, it was a rush!

And now Dad has no idea
what's going on.

(loud banging)

(shrieks) It's Dad!
He figured it out!

(sighs)
Roger.

Kevin Ramage.

What do you want?

You're making chump change

selling fake I.D.'s
to teenagers.

The big money's in passports,

green cards,
counterfeit currency.

Come work for me.
We'll make a bundle.

Are you nuts?!
That's too dangerous.

I'm not talking
to you, sweetheart.

I'm talking to the talent.

What do you say, Steve?

I say you got a lot of nerve

trying to come between me
and my sister!

Whoa, are you okay?

I'm fine. I just missed
the step backing out.

I didn't realize how.

Gosh, be careful, okay?

Thanks, I will.

All right, good.
And stay out!

So, who's Guttenberg?
Are you any closer?

Yes, he's a teenager.

Probably working with a sibling,
but not a brother.

He's from a two-parent home.

Father is driven,
but stunningly dim.

Mother is all over the map,
but hot.

And there's something sexually
ambiguous living in his attic.

Yeah, those are
the cold facts of his life.

Tell me about the man.

Put it on the board.
I'm a visual thinker.

Okay.

He's smart...

he's tricky...

he's energetic.

He's very energetic.

See? Nothing.

(groans)

Who are you?!

♪

I'm gonna take a break
and check on the girls.

Lucky and Buttermilk
have been fighting.

Those sound like horse names,
but they're people.

(girls laughing)

Oh, hey, what are you guys
doing here?

Out-Outside
of a strip club?

Oh, we just come here
ironically.

Plus I work here.

What are you doing here?

Remember when my little brother
made those fake I.D.'s?

Well, now we're
in business together.

ZOE:
Wait? Ew.

You're business partners with
your pervy little brother?

DANUTA:
Yeah, that's pretty lame.

What? Oh, no.

No, I meant
my brother works for me.

He likes to think
we're partners,

but I'm the genius
that makes it all happen.

I just wanted to give
that loser a break

from building blanket forts.

(all laughing)

Oh, uh, is Ramage here?

Kevin! One of your little
friends is at the door.

Can I go out with you
and Kevin tonight?

Brandon! Leave
my friends alone!

(sighs) My family sucks.

What do you want, Guttenberg?

I want in.

I don't care
how dangerous it is.

I need a partner
who respects me.

I'm glad you came around.

Let me go get my jacket,
and we'll get started.

So, you're a big boy,
aren't ya?

Don't look so surprised.
You know it's me.

Steve, you ready to go to work?

The Taiwanese are coming in

for the Little League
World Series,

and they are looking
to buy some cigarettes.

Oh, but Hayley,
you're the genius

who makes it all happen.

I'm just the loser
who makes blanket forts.

Oh... you heard that.

You're out, Hayley.

What's this for?

The van.

It belongs to me
and my new partner now.

(gasping)
47 seconds.

That is a personal best.

Well, not counting
Adam Levine's Jacuzzi.

But that time there
was incentive!

Kevin Ramage?!

Steve, don't do this.

Working with this creep
is too dangerous.

I'll take my chances.

Come on, Steve, we got
a lot of work to do.

Plus I'm-I'm
pruning up here.

My whole body is starting
to look like Meg Ryan's neck.

Yeah, to hell with her
for getting old.

(girls laughing, whooping)

Hayley, you spent
a lot of money on this limo

and you're
not even saying "Whoo."

I just got a lot on my mind.

Oh, that sounds awful.

(girls whooping)

Hey, driver, pull over!

(tires screech)

Wait for me. I just gotta
check on something.

We can't. We have
to stop at Kristen's house

because she accidentally
wore underwear.

Hey, I'm all for making
a guy work for it,

but not that hard.

(girls whooping)

ROGER: Come on, Steve.
Chop-chop!

We gotta get these
fake passports finished.

These Armenians are
scary people, man.

That Turkish genocide
just pissed them off.

That's all it did!
It just pissed them off!

Damn it! We're late.

We gotta get down to the docks.

Oh, my God!
Steve's in way over his head!

(line ringing)

STAN:
Hello?

Dad, Steve's in trouble!

Oh, no, it's Guttenberg,
isn't it?!

He's got him again!

Sure, why not?
Just get to the docks now!

Dimitri, you old so-and-so!

Nice tracksuit, buddy.

This is Guttenberg.
Best forger in the business.

Hi. So I-I have
your passports.

Now what do you have for us?

These.

(guns clicking)

Uh-oh.

(chuckles)
The double cross.

Classic.

STAN (over bullhorn):
Attention, you in the warehouse!

We have you surrounded!

This is the CIA!

Guttenberg,
we know you're in there!

Come out with your hands up!

You want Guttenberg alive?

You let us go!

Wait. Steve is Guttenberg?

HAYLEY:
No!

Steve's not Guttenberg!

I am.

You're Guttenberg?

Yes, Dad.

And this is all my fault.

I used Steve to make
money, and-and...

(engine revving,
tires squealing)

Kevin Ramage!

Steve, thank God you're okay.

Well, Smith, you
solved the case.

You found Guttenberg.
Good work.

Take her away.

But, sir, Guttenberg or not,
I can't arrest my own daughter.

Can you do it?

Smith, your lawyer's
here to see you.

Lawyer?

He says he's your lawyer.

His official lawyer card
checks out.

Hi, Steve.

Hayley, why'd you take
the rap for me?

I... I felt bad.

Your life was in danger,
and it was all because of me.

You had a skill,
and I-I took advantage of it.

But we were partners,

and then you told those girls
I was a loser.

I know. I'm sorry.

They-they put me on the spot,

and I was, I was just trying
to look cool.

I guess I deserve to be in here
for the next ten years.

See you when I'm 29.

Oh, you mean...

yesterday?

Guard!

Thanks, little brother.

Any time, sis.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got work to do.

Open up cellblock H!

Surprise inspection, ladies!
Let's whip 'em out!

What a loser.