Ace Crawford... Private Eye (1983): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Gentleman Bandit - full transcript

(soft dramatic music)

(gunshots firing rapidly)

(upbeat music)

(gunshots firing rapidly)

(upbeat music)

(soft jazzy music)

(woman groaning)

- I'm sorry the night watchman didn't

hear you young lady.

But you'll have plenty of opportunity

to tell your story to everyone in the morning.


Be sure to tell them you were robbed

by a gentleman won't you?

(soft dramatic music)

(soft jazzy music)

- [Toomey] That's him, Ace Crawford, private eye.

He's the best.

A man of few words.

I'll never forget the day we first met, he said Toomey.

And we've been friends ever since.

He's a loner all right.

Nobody knows where he comes from

and I don't think even he knows where he's going.

(audience laughing)

If you know what I mean.

(soft piano music)

♪ She drove her ducklings to the water ♪

- [Inch] Hey Ace!

- Hey Inch.

What's this thing?

- Oh some dame ordered the Hawaiian surprise.

She's waitin' for ya.

She asked for $20 worth of quarters.

- What's she gonna do, call Europe a lot?

- Nah she's playing the Space Zonkers.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you take it over to her?

- Sure.

- And you'd better tell her

the monkey's made out of plastic.

EVerybody's been eatin' 'em.

- All right.

♪ I'm so sorry.


- Hi Ace.

- How did you know it was me Mello?

- Oh I'd know that aftershave lotion anywhere man.

- What is it?

- Smells like banana or Paris.

(audience laughing)

- Got a good nose Mello.


- Ace.

I was wondering could we spend some time and talk?

- About what?

- About where you goin'.

- I'm goin' to Space Zonkers.

(audience laughing)

- No I mean in life.

- That's a long road Lu.

- Maybe we could talk more if I worked on a case with you.

You know we'd see how we fit together,

how compatible we are.

I think it'd be fun.

- You think detective work is fun huh?

You see this hole in the hat?

- Yeah well, so a couple guys took shots at you.

- Not a couple of guys, one guy.

One guy, one shot.

Bullet went in here, and came out here.

If it'd been two guys and two shots,

one bullet mighta gone in here,

the other mighta gone in there.

They meet in the middle, they explode, I coulda been dead.

(audience laughing)

- Ace give me a chance.

- Lu, you sing, I'll detect.

Want a Hawaiian surprise?

- You want a fat lip?

(audience laughing)

- I beg your pardon, I'm Ace Crawford.

- Oh I'm terribly sorry.

I thought you were makin' a move on me.

This dump is lousy with weirdos.

- Wanna talk or review the place?

- The name's Duffy, Morine.

Hold on a sec, I gotta get the electric one

before it eats my flamingo.

(machine beeping)

- Looks like the gorilla's gonna sit on your squirrel.

- Got him!


I'm the owner and a publisher of Business Woman Magazine.

(machine beeping disappointingly)

- I think you lost.

(audience laughing)

- Can we talk?

- Yeah, yeah.

Step in my office down here.

- Thank you.

- Pardon me.

Do you see this sign?

(audience laughing)

Come on.

- All right.

Well here's the situation.

See last night one of my secretaries

was bound, gagged and robbed in the coffee room.

- Uh huh.

Okay that would be BGR in the CR.

- By a mysterious crook who was also a well mannered man.

- Crook, M and M's.

- Pepper.


(audience laughing)

- In fact when he left he pinned a chrysanthemum on her.

- Mhm.

Chr, chrym.

You don't suppose that was a rose?

Takes up quite a bit of room here.

- No, no.

See the gentleman banned bandit robbed 11

of my secretaries but the flower was the same in each case.

- Repeated.

I'll take your word for it.

(audience laughing)

- Ketchup.

- Ketchup.



Oh ketchup sorry.

Now did you get a description on this fella?

- Oh well, let's see one victim said

he had a long head, a hawk-like nose,

thin lips, round glasses.

- [Man] Salt.

- But another victim said his head was square

with a round jaw, big ears, short nose.

(audience laughing)

- [Man] Salt.

- Still another said his face was puffy

with swenty eyes, no lips to speak of, a large mustache.

- Large mustache.

How's this?

- No.

- I never said crime was pretty.

- I'm counting on your Mr. Crawford.

- I'll check this out first thing in the morning.

- Right, bye.

- This stew is the worst.

- Yeah?

Why don't you tell the chef?

- I am the chef.

(audience laughing)

- I'll leave that there for you.

(phone ringing)

- Hello, Toomey, CPA here.

- Toomey, Ace.

- Oh I can't Ace, no matter what it is, I can't do it.

I'm sick.

- Toomey, I want you to meet me

at Business Woman's Magazine.

- You don't understand Ace, I can't, I'm really sick.

I was just gonna go home now.

- Morine Duffy's office, got it?

- You know.

(audience laughing)

In all my years as a CPA I have never.


Missed a day's work but I was going home now.

- Don't be late, 45 mins.

(audience laughing) - That's how sick I am.


(phone dial ringing)

I have a fever.



(soft jazzy music)


(audience laughing)

- Afternoon.

- You there, just a minute.

- When is your assistant coming, it's almost 5:00 o'clock.

- Don't worry, Toomey has never let me down.

All right?

Pardon me, do you mind if I just.

(type writers typing)

(audience laughing)

(tape squealing)

Heaven knows (mumbling).

(audience laughing)

Excuse me.

(audience laughing)



That's a nice dress you have there.

I've always been partial to leaves.

They make a nice compost.

- It's the only way to get type writer ink off my jewelry.

- Coo wha.

(metal clanking softly)

(machine whirring)

(audience laughing)

(machine buzzing)

(knocking softly)

(audience laughing)

(machine whirring)

(audience laughing)

(machine buzzing)

(metal clanking)

(audience laughing)

- Hi handsome, is that your feather duster?

- Lu what are you doin' here?

- Toomey called, he can't make it, he's sick.

- I never thought that Toomey would use

sickness as an excuse for missing work.

- I can be the decoy.

I'll pretend to work late.

I bet I can make that gentleman bandit show his face.

- You're gonna make the GB show his F?

Too dangerous for a singer.

I don't have a decoy so I suppose that.

All right look, go tell Morine Duffy

you're workin' for me all right?

- Oh thanks Ace!

(lips smacking)

- Listen Lu, this is assignment.

There will be no time for the kissy face

during working hours, so treat it as a definite assignment.


(audience laughing)

(soft jazzy music)

- Good night honey I'll see you tomorrow.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight girls.

Goodnight, nice workin' with ya.

Good fortune with your bus, may he go all the way

without having an accident.

Lu, listen to me!

I'm gonna be in Morine's office vacuuming.

If that bandit shows up, just sing out all right?

- Right.

(vacuum whirring)

(audience laughing)

- Ace!




(vacuum whirring)




(vacuum drowning out Luana)


- Luana, did you say something?


Lu what are you?

I'm trying to.


- What are you doin'?


Lu I gave you a simple assignment and look at this.

Didn't I tell ya that detective work was dangerous?

Look at that.

Can you see that?


It is a chrysanthemum.


Lu please, I know it's not your fault.

I've got to re-think this.

(groaning) Lu, I'm thinking.


Easy for you to say.


(soft jazzy music)


(audience laughing)

- I'm sick.

- Toomey will you stop belly-aching, we've got

work to do here okay?

- I am sick.

I can't breathe in this thing.

Look what I've done already.

(audience laughing)

Besides I just feel weird, this is my wife's dress.

I bought it for her for our fourth anniversary.

- What is a fourth anniversary?


Look if you're gonna be my decoy,

you gotta start actin' like a woman all right?

Now let me see you walk in those heels.


(audience laughing)


If you're gonna be a woman, you gotta get

up on your toes like a woman.

Watch like this.

That's a woman.

- All right, all right. - Let me see you do it.

- You know this being a woman is hard work!

I need to be tough too.

What do you think?

- I think I gotta rethink this.

(soft music)

(audience laughing)

- I'm feeling much better but I don't know

how long the antihistamines are gonna last.

- Toomey, I don't wanna hear about it, you understand?

Now listen, I'm no longer Ace, I'm Ace Sinelli.

You got that?

I am your wife.

No matter who asks you, I'm your wife.

- You're my wife no matter who asks, got it,

- I'm gonna try and trap this clown

before he rips off anymore of these ladies.

- Just so weird seeing you dressed in my wife's clothes.

- You're gonna talk to me about weird?

Look, you got the walkie talkies?

- Ace.

I think I should talk to you for a second.

I wasn't able to pick up anything.

- Toomey!

How am I gonna get in touch with you

if this bandit decides to make a move on me?


- Don't worry about that, it's all taken care of.

(audience laughing)

I brought this from home, it's the kids'.

All you have to do is bark into this speaker.

And it'll activate Fido.




Good body.

As soon as I hear Fido bark I'll come running.

It's called Talk-a-Bark.

- Toomey.

(audience laughing)

I am standing here in a size eight dress

in a color I can't stand and you hand me a Talk-a-Bark?

A very scientific operation we have here.

- Ace take it, I promise you, it'll work.

- Come darling.

(audience laughing)

Well, it was nice of you to accompany me

on my first day of work here.

I know you're worried about me being robbed

because I carry so much cash.

(audience laughing)

That should attract the bandit.

- You're the best Ace.

I mean Ace Sinella!

- Well, kiss me.

- What?

- Kiss me.

(audience laughing)

- I don't think so.

- There are people watching, kiss me.

- What about my cold?

I don't wanna give it to you.

- I don't care about the cold.

(audience laughing)

That's it?

- Yes that's it.

My wife says that's a very respectable kiss.

(audience laughing)

In fact she prefers it.

- Lucky guy.

(audience laughing)

Well goodbye pumpkin-puss.

- Yes well goodbye.

Have a nice day dear.

(soft music)

- I admire hard workers dear

but I really think you'd oughta be going home now.

In case you haven't heard, it can be dangerous here

after hours especially with all that expensive jewelry.

- Well it'd be kind of interesting

to meet somebody wouldn't it?

My husband is so boring.

(audience laughing)

- Good luck Mr. Crawford.

- All right.

Listen don't worry, if that bandit shows up

I'll be all over him like a wet blanket.

I got a gun in my purse.

- Oh you have a G in your P right?

Well, please don't stay late.

- All right, good night.

- Don't forget Fido.

(audience laughing)

- Who's there?

- A friend.

- Oh.

Good a friend.

I could use a friend at this hour.



- You're all alone in the office tonight?

- Yes well everybody's gotta be somewhere, don't they?


- Don't make fun of me.

- I wasn't making fun of you.

I just have a big chest cold.

- I used to work here 'til I got fired

and replaced by a computer

and an aggressive driving career woman.

The type of woman who looks at you

like you were meat on the rack.

- Oh really?

I don't consider you meat.

You have a little veal cutlet under your eye

but other than that.



- Give me your purse!

- Stop barking!

My first wife liked to bark.


- Toomey!

- Is this yours?

- Yes it's a cigarette lighter.

(audience laughing)


- Quiet.

If you promise to be quiet, I won't have to tie you up.

Now here's a little something to remember me by.

(boob deflating softly)

- Well nobody's perfect.

(audience laughing)


- You're one of those tough ladies huh?




(metal clanking)









- Stay out of it dear, it's just a family squabble.

- Go baby go!

(audience laughing)

- Let her have it!

- [Woman] So much for the customer's always right!


(audience laughing)

(sirens wailing)


- Hey, hey, hey, hey, break it up.

All right what's the problem?

- All right officer, you can take him in now.

This happens to be the gentleman bandit.

The man who has been robbing all those secretaries.

- That's impossible.

Lieutenant Fanning has been working on that case for months.

- I wouldn't doubt that.

Gentlemen allow me to introduce myself, I'm Ace Crawford.

(audience laughing)

- Holy moly!

Why didn't you bark?

Bad dog.


- And I'm grandma Moses.

- This is my assistant here Toomey.

Toomey, tell these men who I am.

- You're my wife and I love you very much.

- Toomey. - Settle this downtown.

Let's go. - Don't worry darling.

I'll take care of the kids.

- You know whatever you are, you sure are ugly.

- [Woman] If the competition isn't bad enough, we meet this?

- [Woman] Now what?

- We'll all come to visit darling, don't worry.

Don't worry.

We'll really miss you sweetheart.

Bye now!

Bye darling.

- [Ace] I'm telling you guys I'm Ace Crawford,

this is a wig.



- Bye bye!

(audience laughing)

What a guy.

(soft upbeat music)

- This is Ace Crawford, we're not going anywhere.

So why don't you just stick around.

(soft jazzy music)

- Wow that sounded good to me Ace.

(audience laughing)

- I have to admit Ace, I woulda never thought

of dressing up as a woman.

- That news does not surprise me lieutenant.

- You just reminded me Ace, my wife says

you ruined her dress.

- Toomey we don't have time for that now right?

- It's all stretched at ripped.

- Toomey when you consider the end result,

the sacrifice was not all that big.

(audience laughing)

- There's a big stain on it.

- Cease.

- Must be nice to get all that publicity.

- Yeah well we got lucky.

- Yeah you sure did.

- Come on boys, get a game goin' here.

Let's go.

Here you go Mello, you need a bullseye to win.

- Oh!

- Sorry I forgot you play the piano.

Let her go.

- Ace, Ace, Ace, promise me you won't wear a dress anymore.

- Lu I can't make a promise

like that in a business like this.

Okay go ahead Mello.

- No, no, no, no.

- Left!

Down boys!

Left, left!

Let her go!

- Bullseye?

- Okay Mello.

Here's that 10 I owe ya.


- Smells like a fiver to me Ace.

- You got your nose workin' huh?


You know somethin' Lu, for helpin' me out yesterday,

as a little reward I'm gonna let you walk me home.

- What?

- Walking home man!

(people oohing)

- [Man] Drinks are on the house?

(soft jazzy music)

- [Toomey] Ace always says detective work

is lonely work.

Cupids and culprits don't mix he keeps repeating.

The private eye's have no private lives.

Law and love don't belong on the same plate.

- Careful!

(water splashing)

(audience laughing)

Maybe another time.

(soft jazzy music)

(soft upbeat music)