Ace Crawford... Private Eye (1983): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Microchip Caper - full transcript

Ace is hired to test plant security for a computer company and finds himself in the center of a multimillion-dollar con.

(upbeat jazzy music)

(gun roaring)

(crickets chirring)

(machine beeps)

(door whooshes)

(metal clanks)

(alarm wailing)

(guns roaring)

- Take him away.

As you can see, Miss Rivers, Mr. Gutman,

the microchip is still safe.

Our new plant security system has not been violated.

Poor fellow's lucky we didn't use real ammunition.

I trust this demonstration will answer all your questions.

- We shall see, Professor Sanders,

we shall most assuredly see.

(suspenseful music)

(jazzy music)

- [Joe] When I first started taking time off

from my work as a CPA to team up

with the great Ave Crawford,

the danger scared me silly.

I was afraid to make the wrong move,

take the wrong step.

(people laughing)

But Ace gave me the confidence

to be as sure-footed as he is.

Now, the two of us operate like a well-oiled machine.

Smooth, clean, crisp.

(people laughing)

♪ Racetrack five miles long

♪ Doo-Dah

Ace had a feeling there was trouble

when he walked into Inch's place that night.

He could smell it a mile away.

Some people say he should change his business cards

from private eye to private nose.

Some people don't care.

- Your shot, Mello.

- Cool, Lance.

Nine ball in the side pocket.

- Wait a minute, Mello,

you're gonna make the nine ball in the side pocket?

20 says you blow it.

- You're covered, Ace.

♪ Never did

Sounds good to me.

- Smooth.

- [Mello] Where's my 20?

- It's on the table.

- Hey Ace, there's a lady waitin' for ya.

Real class.

Italian handbag, French perfume.

- Well let's show her we got a little class.

Bring her over a Mexican beer and a Polish sausage.

- Smooth.

(shoes clanking)

- Ace Crawford's the name, you rang?

- My name is Alexandra Rivers, Mr. Crawford.

I work for Techno International Insurance.

- Wait a minute, now wait a minute, just a minute.

Are you gonna tell me

that you're gonna raise my car insurance rates again?

Is it my fault that the semi backed into me

while I was makin' a U-turn in a crosswalk?

- The company I work for is in the business

of insuring high-technology industries against loss.

Specifically against the theft of irreplaceable microchips.

- Microchips, huh?

(audience laughs)

So, and somebody ripped off one of these microchips,

I suppose your company stands to lose big bucks.

- Exactly, which is why my employer, Mr. Klaus Gutman,

has sent me to you.

Computer Technology Industries has a new microchip

they want us to insure for $1,000,000.

- So?

- So, they've installed the latest maximum-security devices

to assure us that we won't be taking any undue risk

in providing them with the coverage they ask.


- This Mr. Gutman, he's not so sure

that these security devices (audience laughing)

will work?

- Right.

Which is why I want to hire you to steal the microchip.

- Wait a minute, I'm a private eye.

How would it look if it got around that I was stealing?

- It's pretend stealing.

- I guess it'd be all right if that got around.

- If you are not able to do it

with your vast knowledge of crime,

then we will insure CTI

but if you can steal that microchip,

we would reward you for saving us considerable big bucks.

- Yeah, I get the picture. (audience laughing)

- You have 48 hours, Mr. Crawford.

I will get you the necessary blueprints.

(fire sizzles) (audience laughing)

Thank you.

I wish you every success.

- Thank you.

(upbeat music)

- [Joe] Ace had me check out the security system

at the CTI building.

It was tight all right, but Ace had a plan.

Ace always has a plan.

- Could you run this by me just one more time please?

You look terrific.

- Thank you Toomey

- You're welcome.

- Now listen, the guard uses his hand print

as identification to get into the building.

We're gonna have to get an impression of that hand.

- But the one thing I still don't understand is how

you're gonna get an impression of the man's hand.

- Very simple, Toomey.

We just get him to put his big paw on this plaster,

we have the impression.

- That's a great idea.

- All right, now, I'm Mr. Yakamata, right?

- Yakatama.

- Now, I just got here.

We're from Yakamata industries and we've brought a gift.

(metal taps)

You'll be my interpreter.

(Ace babbling)

- What does that mean?

- What difference does it make?

You got a nice tie?

It's a nice day.

- Nice tie, nice day, okay.

- Just make up something.

The important thing is get the impression.

Move out.

- Mr. Yakamata.

(man babbling)

- [Inch] Sure, you want that on the rocks, Ace?

- Maybe it needs just a little more work.

- Not now, Toomey.

(people laughing)

Follow me.

(audience laughing)

Stay close on this, Toomey.

- I will. - Door.

- Door.

Street! (horn beeps)

(audience laughing)

I was nervous, Ace was calm, what a team.

(stick tapping)

- I don't see Mr. Yakamata's name anywhere.

(Ace babbling)

- He says he doesn't understand,

he flew in specifically

for a meeting with the president of your company.

And they lost his luggage at the airport.

- I am sorry but security clearances are essential.

Good morning Mr. Phelps.

(audience laughing)

(machine beeps)

(Ace babbling)

(metal taps)

Have a good day, sir.

- I think it's unfair for a man

of Mr. Yakamata's stature to be waiting.

(Ace babbling)

(audience laughing)

He says he likes your dicky very much.

(Ace babbles)

Oh, as a gesture of friendship,

Mr. Yakamata would like to offer you

a piece of candy from his country.

- No, no thank you, I'm trying to cut down.

- He says he's trying to cut down.

(Ace babbling)

I can't force him to break is diet.

(Ace babbling) (audience laughing)

Just one.

As a gesture of friendship.

- All right, but after that I'm gonna have

to ask you to leave.


(men grunting)

Are you crazy?

What is this goo?

- The chocolate must have melted, it was such a long trip.

Well, I'll be leaving now.

Can I leave this with you in case you'd like another piece?

- No thank you!

(Ace babbling)

(audience laughing)

- [Joe] At 3:00 a.m., we were still at Inch's place.

- See ya tomorrow fellas.

I'm goin' upstairs to bed.

- Night Inch. - Okay Inch.

We'll lock up.

- You were brilliant today, Ace.

I never would've come up with this.

- Well, that's because some people got it

and other people got cow parts for brains.

(people laughing)

Now, I'm gonna need a magnet.

- My little boy has this cute little magnet.

It picks up paper clips and bobby pins.

- I'm not looking for a magnet

that picks up paper clips and bobby pins.

(people laughing)

- Sorry Ace.

- I'm looking for a big magnet!

- My brother-in-law is in the junk business.

He's got this really big magnet.

It'll pick up cars and trucks.

- Cars and trucks?

Maybe something in between would be nice?

Let's go over these plans of the CTI building here.

I wanna know exactly where we are

once we get in there, now, what?

- Ace, Inch turned the lights out.

- No kidding.

(audience laughs)

Bring it over here by the window.

Enough light from the sign out here

that we can read it.

All right, now we got-

we're gonna have to go down this hall here.

This room down here where they have a circuit-

breaker, we're gonna have use the electrical systems-

- Security systems programmed and armed,

as you ordered, sir.

- Excellent.

That means there's real ammunition in every gun.

If anybody's foolish enough to try to his this place,

they're in for a very hot surprise.

- The kind of surprise that could prove deadly.

Good work, Major!

- Thank you sir.

- If Ace Crawford is as good as you say he is,

he gets in here, is killed,

gets the blame for the theft, and we walk away

with a million-dollar microchip.

- I'm almost sorry to see the little guy expire.

(dramatic music)

(crickets chirring)

- [Joe] The next night, Ace and I were ready

for the heist.

I had gotten a magnet, a generator, some rope.

Not bad for an accountant.

- All right now listen, we got 23 seconds after

that guard goes by to get into that room,

through that steel door, you got it?

- Okay, got it.

- 10, nine, eight-

- Is that 23 seconds counting the 10

that you're counting down now?

- Eight- (people laughing)

Toomey, keep it down, will you?

- Sorry, sorry.

- Come on!

(metal jangling)

(man panting)

- You know, it's not 'til you do something this active

that you realize how outta shape you are.

I tell ya, as soon as we're done with this job,

I'm goin' to my doctor and have him check out my heart.

- All right, when you get there,

have him give you a brain scan.

(machine beeps)

Give me the hand.

- (screams) that's my hand.

This is-

- Okay, cross those fingers.

(audience laughing)

Not those, yours.

- Sorry Ace.

Look out!

(audience laughing)

(machine beeps) (door whooshes)

(metal clattering)

(machine beeps)

(door whooshes)

(audience laughing)

(metal bangs)

(audience laughing)

Ace, it's really dark in here.

- Gimme your hand.

- Okay.

- Not the rubber hand.

Get up the ladder.

- [Toomey] I'm afraid of heights.

- Don't look down.

(man gasping)

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

(audience laughing)

- I was trained as an accountant, not a climber.

- Wait, wait, it's too dangerous back there.

Follow me.

Come on!

- [Joe] I'm coming.

(audience laughing)

- Let go, let go.

Let's get this grill off.

Ay, look at that, isn't that beautiful?

(Joe groans)

(audience laughing)


I want you to lower me directly over the stand

where the microchip is.

Slowly, got it?

Give me the electromagnet.

- Electromagnet.

(audience laughing)

- All right, remember, when I yell juice!

Turn on the electromagnet, all right?

- Juice, electromagnet.

- Juice, electromagnet.

- Juice, electromagnet.

- Juice, electromagnet. - Juice.

(audience laughs)

- All right.

- What do we need an electromagnet for, Ace?

- That disconnects the alarm circuit

when I grab the microchip.

- Oh, good idea.

- Let me down easy.

- You're really secure now Ace.

- [Ace] Gimme the electromagnet.

- Electromagnet, oh, the electromagnet!

- [Ace] Toomey, you're pulling me up.


Turn on the juice.

- Juice coming up.

(audience laughs)

- Toomey!

You're pulling me up again.



(audience laughing)

Cut the juice!

Toomey, the juice, cut the juice.

(switch clicks)

(audience laughing)

Now, lemme down.

Now, gimme the juice again, Toomey, the juice!

- Juice!


(switch clicks)

- Too fast, Toomey, Toomey, too fast.


(electricity sizzles)

It worked, Toomey.

- You're the best, Ace.

- You can cut the juice now.

- Nice work, Mr. Crawford.

Positively inspirational.

I'll take that, thank you very much.

May I be allowed to introduce myself?

Klaus Gutman, Techno International Insurance.

- Wait a minute.

Alexandra Rivers told me-

- A big fat lie, Mr. Crawford.

- You see Ace, we set you up to heist a microchip.

My company loses no insurance money

and we sell the microchip

on the black market for a fortune.

- This isn't gonna wash, Gutman,

and beautiful lady.

- But it will, Crawford, it's flawless.

I knocked out the guards and bound them.

When they come to and find you dead,

they will assume you masterminded the robbery

only to lose the chip to a greedy accomplice

who made off with it

and left you to your fate.

Now, could you do me a favor

and be kind enough to hand all your weapons to Miss Rivers.

And I don't want any last-minute heroics.

Come on.

Well, any more?

- Well.

- Come on, Ace. (audience laughing)

Come, come. (audience laughing)

I thought so.

Any more?

- Just the nail file. (audience laughing)

- Is that it?

Thank you for helping us commit the perfect crime, Crawford.

Any last words?

- Yeah, just one.

- Which one?

- Juice.

- Juice?

- [Ace] Juice.

- Juice?

(Ace whistles)

- Juice! (audience laughing)

(metal clangs) (audience laughing)

All right, just hold it right there.

You two folks met my assistant.

- Hi there.

- No time now, Toomey.

All right, I'll take that little chip back now

if you don't mind.

Little beauty, isn't it?

- Just think how rich we could be.

The two of us, on an island,

somewhere in the Pacific.

(speaking in German)

- Gesundheit and no thanks.

- All right, freeze!


- You can call me Ace, Lieutenant.

- This was my case!

- That right?

- Yeah, I've been workin' on it for months.

- Take you that much time, I suppose.

- How did you ever catch Gutman off guard like this?

- Well, it's a difficult story,

filled with intrigue, pain, lots of sweat.

- Toomey, we're talking down here.

- Ace, would you mind if I took 'em in.

- Haven't taken anybody in in a long time,

I suppose you can take these in.

- Ace, you're the best.

- No question about it. (audience laughing)

- All right get 'em outta here.

- I must say, there is no need to shove me.

- [Alexandra] You'll get more than a shove from me.

- I owe ya one.

- Uh-huh, yeah.

You gotta learn to kinda relax there, Lieutenant.

You know, you gotta kinda pull up a little.

(man shouts)

(audience laughing)

- How's that?

- That's just fine, Toomey.

This is Ace Crawford (babbles).

Be right back.

(suspenseful music)

(upbeat music)

♪ And that's the last you'll see of me ♪

- Thank you, thank you very much,

that terminates our show for this evening.

If you enjoyed yourself, well tell your friends.

If you didn't, well, we're here from 9:00 p.m. until

the wee hours of the morning.

My name is Luana and I'm just here

to make your life a little brighter so goodnight.

(audience laughing)

- [Mello] And when questioned further,

Lieutenant Fanning had to admit

that the extraordinary detective work

of Ace Crawford had recovered the valuable microchip

and put Klaus Gutman and his lovely accomplice,

Alexandra Rivers, into prison.

- Mello, how are you reading that?

- I heard it on the news and memorized it.

- [Inch] Hey, how 'bout a drink on the house?

- I'll have a beer.

- You already got one.

- Oh.

- Nothing for me.

I'm gonna catch a few winks, hit the old sack,

talk to the old sandman.

- We got it, Ace, you're goin' to sleep.

- Yeah.

- [Luana] Need somebody to sing ya to sleep?

- I got that radio I guess.

- Well, maybe there's a good movie on TV.

- Ace, I spoke to B.

I wonder if I could talk to you for a second.

- [Ace] I think I could find time.

(suspenseful music)

- Ace, well, I don't know quite how to say this but-

- Say it Toomey,

we've been friends for a long time,

what do you wanna say?

- I was wondering if maybe I could have my car back.

- Pardon? (audience laughing)

- We'll manage.

- I would hope so.

Goodnight Toomey.

- Goodnight Ace.

(smooth jazzy music)

Well, I guess as long as I had the car on weekends.

I mean, what do you say to a man

who seems to understand everything so well.

He understands people, he understands life.

What he doesn't seem to understand so well is

(water splashes) wharves.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)