Ace Crawford... Private Eye (1983): Season 1, Episode 2 - Bull Bates - full transcript

(upbeat music)


(upbeat jazzy music)


(upbeat jazzy music)

♪ Do do do do do do do

♪ Do do do do do do do do do do ♪

♪ Do do do do do do do do do do do ♪

(door banging)

- We aint open yet.

(door breaking)

(audience chuckles) - Now you're open.

- Hey what is this?

- It's collection time shrimp.

- We're from the Eagle laundry you're behind in your bill.

- Are you crazy, I paid this months bill already, $340.

- The rates have gone up runt, it's now $1000.

- A grand?

- Yeah, it's the times, we're all feeling the pinch.

(audience chuckles) (goons laugh)

- Hey this is a shakedown and I aint paying now scram!

- Tough little mug aint he?

- Yeah I'm quaking.

- You go tell your mobster boss

that I'm canceling his laundry service.

Who needs clean linen anyways?

Most of my customers wipe their hands on their pants.

(audience chuckles) - You can't thump

us pipsqueak.

- Say your prayers little man,

we'll have em prepare a funeral plot three feet under.

(punches landing)

(audience laughs)

(Inch grunting)

(kick landing)

(glasses cracking)

- You!

(squirting sound) (Funzi screams)

All right take that!

You guys had enough, or you want more huh!

- [Toomey] Some people say Ace Crawford

is a man without a zip code, some people don't care.

(audience laughs)

He moves through the night

like mercury through a thermometer, smooth.

(tripping) (audience laughs)

My name is Toomey, I'm his pal I'm also his a CPA.

When I'm not up to my ears in tax returns I help him out.

Some people say I'm lucky to be hooked up

with a guy like Ace, some people don't care.

(audience laughs)

(glass crashing) (audience laughs)

(smooth jazzy music)

Ace was on his way to his favorite hangout to relax,

that's what he thought.

- Got a light?

- That's two nasty habits you got.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat piano music)

(lower piano chords)

- (chuckles) Hey Ace.

- You say Mello.

(audience laughs)

Seen Lu tonight?

- Ace I aint seen anybody any night.

(audience chuckles)

- You know something Mello, in a way you're kinds lucky

you know there's a lot in this world that aint worth seein'.

- Like what?

- Did you ever see string cheese go bad?

(audience chuckles)

- Maybe I am lucky.

(audience laughs)

- What will it be Ace?

- I don't know, woaw what looks good?

- You mean besides me?

- I've seen you how's the fish?

- The lobster's fresh, how do you like it?

- Dead with butter.

(audience laughs)

- Hey Ace, I got a case I'd like you to look into,

my wife and her mother are missing.

- You want me to find both of em?

- Well could you find the wife then maybe we could talk.

(audience laughs)

- If I take the case it's a package deal.

- Let me get back to you.

(audience laughs)

- Ace, we got trouble.

- Not we Lu.

- But Ace it's Inch.

- Inch, I'm listenin'.

- I went upstairs when he didn't come down at five o' clock.

Inch is hurt Ace.

- How bad?

- Bad, he won't talk but I think he's been roughed up.

- What do you mean roughed up?

- You know like (punch landing).

(audience laughs)

I'll look into it.

(smooth jazz music)

- [Toomey] Inch owned the joint, he was also the bartender

he built himself a cute little apartment upstairs.

(door knocking)

- It's open (grunts)

- You say Inch?

- Hi Ace.

- Yeah, ey, fixed the place up a little here didn't ya?

Looking real good in here now.

(audience laughs)

Yeah real good.

You got some big bucks stored up here dontcha?

- I got a few new things.

- I missed you at the cocktail hour.

- What'd you have, a moment of silence

and a bag of beer nuts.

(audience chuckles)

Have a seat.

(head bang) (audience laughs)

- Yeah, lookin good.

Well you wanna talk about it?

- Talk about what?

- What do you mean "talk about what",

somebody roughed you up.

- You mean roughed me up like (punch landing)

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, well you don't have to worry about it.

I'm a little guy, I heal quick.

- I'll tell you somethin, somebody roughs you up

they rough me up you got it.

- Stay out of this Ace,

it's not your battle. (audience chuckles)

- What do you mean it's not my battle?

- Ace. (hanger falling)

- Think I'm gonna let some goons in here to rough you up.

(glass crashing) - Ace.

(audience laughs) - Now look,

you're a tough little cookie and you're my pal.

And I'm not gonna stand for it (lamp crashing)

- Ace? (audience laughs)

- No I'm not leaving here till I find out

who did this to ya.

You got it?

(vase crashing) Might as well

make up your mind and tell me.

(audience laughs) Come on, tell me--

- If I tell you, will you promise not to move.

- Shoot.

- It's Belkin, the laundry and dry cleaning mobster.

- Belkin?

- Yeah, he's squeezin me for a grand a week.

- Maybe I'll pay him a little visit,

maybe I'll fluff fold his face for him.

(TV breaking) - Step aside.

(Inch moans)

I know, I know, you're gonna tell me they play rough huh.

Been around the block a coupla times myself.

Long as I'm here you got nothin to worry about.

(glass crashing)

(Inch moans)

(audience laughs)

- [Toomey] It seems this guy Belkin liked

to hang out at a place called Zazu's.

Ace and I fastlaned it over there.

(upbeat music)

Ace Crawford didn't know what was in store that night.

He never did, some people said he liked it that way.

Some people didn't care.

(audience laughs)

- That's all right my man'll park it.

- Pull it in over there and be careful.

(audience laughs)

(restaurant music)

- Hiya Ace, you're in enemy territory aint ya.

- You might say that.

- You ever wanna relax in friendly territory,

you let me know.

- Tell you something if I had a nickel for every dame

that wanna relax (phone rings)

with me is be up in my neck in silver.

(audience chuckles)

- Zazu's. - Now me I got a job to do

I don't have time - Table for four?

- for women. (audience chuckles)

- What time?

- To me work is work,

play is play. - Make it 8.30.

Some day I'll be able - and your name?

- To do both.

Fortunately with me - Okay Mr Egan,

we'll see you then. - Aint got no time for play.

Put you on the list.

- May I help you?

- No no I'm just looking for someone.

(audience chuckles)

- Can I help you?

- Oh I was looking for you Ace.

- Really?

- Ace I don't think I can hag around too long tonight,

my wife's sister came into town and they lost her luggage.

- What a minute, (audience laughs)

I'm tryna solve a major crime here and you're gonna tell me

you're gonna be hanging around some airport?

- The bus station, it fell ofF the bus

between here and Seattle.

- I don't wanna hear about it.

You stay here right, gonna find out

where these buzzards are feeding.

- Okay be careful Ace, Belkin plays rough.

- All right I've been around the block a coupla times myself

I got a black belt.

- Wardrobe doesn't mean a thing

to these guys they're clueless.

- Just point out Mr big will you?

- Okay I got it right here.

He's a fat guy, he'll be wearing a tan suite

and he has brown hair.

- All right I got it.

- Okay.

(restaurant music)

- Ey tubbo (audience laughs)

I'm Ace Crawford, you roughed up my little pal.

Now I don't like that.

And I wanna tell you something, you ever do that again

you and your goons (audience laughs)

you're gonna end up in fat man heaven.

You got that Mr Belkin? (audience laughs)

- Ace I got it a little confused, that was a description

of the guy at the baggage claim.

(audience laughs) Belkin is a skinny guy

with a black suit and dark hair.

(Mr Homer growling) - This is not Mr Belkin?

Boss of all laundry and dry cleaning?

- No, this is Mr Homer, he owns a chain of highways.

(audience laughs)

(Mr Homer growling) - Mr Homer.

- Homer H--

(audience laughs)

- Wanna tell you something Mr Homer, I saved your life.

You eat all that cholesterol it coulda killed you.

(audience laughs) - Under order Ace.

- Yeah working those notes.

(Mr Homer growling) (audience laughs)

- I believe you're looking for me,

the name is Belkin, Ronnie.

- Crawford, Ace.

(audience laughs)

- I hear you've been snooping around

and putting your nose where it doesn't belong.

- I hear you've been hiring goons

that shake down little people.

- You got a pretty fast mouth.

- Yeah, likes to get here before I do.

(audience laughs)

- You know the difference between you

and this bottle of wine?

I like to give wine a chance to breathe.

(audience laughs)

- You know the difference between a mother in law

and a cold?

You can get rid of a cold.

(audience laughs)

You know the difference--

- Look (audience laughs)

I don't know what your game is Crawford

but if you're a friend the midget

doesn't have my laundry bill paid in full by midnight

we're gonna see how high he bounces.

(audience laughs) - What's the tab?

- $2000.

- Wait a minute, this morning it was a grand.

- Compound interest, I'm a business man.

Now you come up with the green tonight.

Find Mr Crawford a table.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(Mr Homer growling)

- Nice to see you again.

(audience laughs)

- Ace, Ace the linguini came, it's great, come on!

(audience laughs)

(smooth trumpet music)

- Toomey, are you sure this things gonna work?

- What's the matter Ace?

- I asked Toomey to get me a microphone

he gets me his kids walkie-talkie.

- I'm afraid I'm hurting you.

- I don't hurt easy, you know somethin'

those clowns played right into my hands.

Now Toom, Toomey!

You have it straight, I give Belkin the pay off money

(audience laughs)

and you capture him on film.

- It was a brown suitcase with a piece of rope around it.

- Toomey, let me tell you something

that Belkin's not gonna look so tough

when he got a number for necktie, all right.

- Oh Ace be careful, this plan is neat, too neat.

And Belkin's no dummy, Lieutenant Fanning and his men

have been after him for four years, be careful.

- You know somethin', anybody ever tell you

you're beautiful when you're worried?

They will some day.

(audience laughs) - Mostly underwear and socks.

- Toomey, I almost forgot here, want you to hang onto this.

- You're going in there without a gun?

- I got to, I don't wanna take any chances on scaring em off

remember keep the safety on.

(gunshot) (Luana screams)

(audience laughs) - Hello, hello

I thought I heard something.

- There that's on.

- Look the was also a hairdryer

that she left on the bus-- - Toomey, move out.

(audience laughs)

- Ace, they found her shoe bag!

- That's good news.

Gotta get a move on, Belkin's expecting me in an hour.

- Is your car still in the shop?

- Yeah, parts didn't come in from Romania.

Having problems with this loner too.

- We're going in reverse.

- That's one of the problems.

(audience laughs)

- [Toomey] It was a mean section of town, the kind

of neighborhood where anybody who had two ears

was considered a sissy.

(audience laughs)

Driving a car backwards for 11 miles was no joy ride

but to Ace, a car was like a woman.

They could be erratic, they could turn on you,

but eventually he figured,

they'll get you where you wanna go.

(audience laughs)

- All right now look, let's take out

and test these microphones.

- Louise, come in please, come in please this is Toomey

the taxman comin' act you

what's your 10 40 come on come on now--

- Toomey, just testing will be fine right.

- Testing testing one, two, three, four, testing testing--

- Toomey, no numbers just testing.

- Testing, testing, testing, test--

- Toomey, one testing.

(audience laughs)


(audience laughs) - Testing.

- Good, all right now look.

(audience laughs)

I want you to climb up on the roof,

now once you get up there--

- Wait a minute, I can't climb up to that roof.

- What do you mean you can't climb up on the roof.

You ever climbed up on the roof before?

- Well no but--

- Then how do you know you can't do it?

(audience laughs)

Once you get up there you take the equipment

you get onto a skylight right,

I want you to take a picture of me,

paying off Belkin, Toomey?

- Right. (audience laughs)

- Right, got the equipment, camera?

- Right here, okay, oh that's it?

- Well it's my kids camera but it works real good.

- Got the scissors in case you have to cut the alarm wires?

- Right here.

- All right now look,

in case you do cut the alarm wires,

(quacking) I want you to.

(audience laughs)

These are quack quack scissors.

- Well this was a rush assignment

between the bus station and the carpool I just grabbed

what I could from home.

- Toomey we are here to trap a killer named Belkin

not to visit Mr Roger's for show and tell.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry Ace.

- Move out.

(upbeat music)

- Ya late.

- Had car trouble.

- That's an old excuse.

- It's an old car. (audience laughs)

- Ya bring the money?

- No I just happen to be in the neighborhood

selling raffle tickets.

(audience laughs) Yeah I got the money

wanna count it?

- I want to.

We'll count it over here.

Quite an operation you've got goin' here.

- Laundry is my life.

- Do they do one hour cleaning?

- What?

- One hour cleaning I got some beer stains

on a leisure suit,

I would've thought maybe if I had in here by nine--

- Nevermind give me the money.

- Sure if you're-- - Wait!

See if he's packing any iron Funzi frisk him.

- You gotta be kidding.

You aren't from the San Francisco mob are you?

(audience laughs)

- The punk's clean.

- Okay Crawford, now the money.

- All right I got it, you had $2000 so--

- Ace, move a little bit more to your right.

- Why don't we, why don't we count it over here?

(table dragging) (audience laughs)

- Why over there?

- Why not over there? (table dragging)

- Put it down we'll count it here.

- All right.

- That's good Ace.

(table dragging) (audience laughs)

- Quite a night you're havin' here Belkin.

- It'll do.

- Have him move a little more to the right.

- What?

- I said quite a night.

- Oh that's better.

- Better night.

(audience laughs)

- (blows) You enjoy extorting money from small businessmen

dontcha Ronny Belkin of Eagle Laundry

one tow four five Spenser street.

- [Toomey] A little louder on the address.

(audience laughs) - What was that?

- Make sure I got your address right it's (blows)

one two four five Spenser street right?

- So what of it is?

- [Toomey] Put up the antenna.

- What do you mean antenna?

- Just counting out loud do you mind?

Eighter, niner and a tener.

(audience laughs)

(antenna clicks) (audience laughs)

(blows) So you had quite a life of crime haven't you Belkin.

You pulled that mill man job in Detroit,

you ran those numbers in Beyone

and you strong armed those appliance dealers didn't--

- Was that Beyone? (static screech)

- Ey what's happening here?

- Nothin' it's an old football injury,

damp weather then it'll start squeaking on me.

- You mean speaking!

- You might say that yeah.

- Well was it Beyone?

- Why you dirty, he's wired get him!

(upbeat jazzy music)

- Hurry up, go and get him!

- Ace I can't see you with all those shirts around you.

(audience chuckles)

Ace you're gonna have to slow down

if I'm gonna get a shot that's not all blurry.

- Toomey be quiet will you.

- Keep it going, I'ma start taking pictures

now keep it going.

(upbeat jazzy music)

(camera clicks)

- Toomey I'm gonna kill you.

(audience laughs)

- Oops, I dropped the bulb.

- [Funzi] Do ya see him?

- [Goon] I don't see him.

(upbeat jazzy music)

- Ow!

(audience chuckles)

(audience chuckles)

- Not picking you up, testing one two three four testing

testing, testing, testing!

- Toomey shut up!

(Ace sneezes)

- This way Mr big time private eye.

- [Toomey] Ace I'm picking up another party on this line.

(smoke blowing)

(washing machine swirling)

(Funzi screaming)

(wheels squeaking)

(audience laughs)

- So quite impressive you took care of the second team

but now you gotta deal with me.

- It kinda looks that way.

I guess it's lights out for me!

(audience chuckles) - You're a dead man Crawford.

Maybe you'd like to say your prayers? (chuckles)

- Yeah, looks like you're gonna cut my wires quack quack.

- So long Ace. (quacking)

(electricity buzzing)

(Toomey screaming)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Your laundry's ready Belkin! (upbeat music)

(audience laughs)

- Ace, Ace are you all right?

- Where have you been?

- Oh when I cut that wire I took such a tumble you would--

(audience laughs) - I don't wanna hear about it.

Now Toomey--

- Are you all right, we better check your knee.

- Toomey-- - I think your kneecap

has a short circuit, testing testing one two--

- Toomey we won't be using those, just give me a hand.

- Ace you've got Belkin, this is great,

let me just get a picture of the two of you together alright

hold on a second.

(camera clicking)

- Get the other side. (audience laughs)

Get the other side!

- But it's a-- (audience laughs)

- Move out.

- It's a great--

- Move out!

(upbeat music)

♪ She'll be comin round the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be comin round the mountain when she comes ♪

♪ She'll be comin round the mountain ♪

- Oh this is where we had in a cauldron.

- That's amazing.

- Ace you must be using the latest most sophisticated

ease dropping equipment on the market.

(audience laughs)

- Oh no actually it was just a tiny--

- Toomey, Lieutenant Fanning was talking.

- Thank you, we've got to get the front office

to upgrade ours.

- Inch!

Bring me a cup of coffee to go will ya.

- You know Ace I would've been down a lot sooner

if that latch hadn't stuck on my skylight.

- Toomey, you did what you could.

- Still I wasn't there for you when you really needed me.

- Toomey, the important thing is the job is done.

(audience laughs)

- I could've been more of a help if I was

down there rather than-- - Toomey

we don't have time for that now.

- [Toomey] Sorry Ace I was just trying

to explain to you why I delayed

in getting down there as soon as possible.

- Toomey, I don't know about the rest of the people

but I've heard enough, thank you.

(audience laughs)

Now what happened to you?

- Ah those hoods form the jukebox industry, they told me

to come up with 3000 more a month or no more Osmonds.

(audience laughs)

I told them what they can do with that.

- Yeah look, you mind if I go after em in the morning

I'm a little tired okay.

(audience laughs)

- Stay out of this Ace, this is my battle.

- I'm sure I can get some of my men

on the force to help.

- No thanks.

(audience laughs)

- Catch you guys tomorrow okay?

- Ace aren't you gonna buy your favorite singer a drink?

- No, I'm just gonna whiz on home all right.

(audience laughs)

- Gee I'd never pour you a cup that full.

I'd also never let you drink out of a paper cup.

I'd get you your own mug, maybe with a little happy face

and a rainbow.

(audience laughs)

He's soft for me.

(audience laughs)

- [Toomey] Well I stayed at Inch's place

showing slides half the night.

I got home real late, boy was the wife angry.

You should've heard her curse out Ace Crawford.

Can you imagine feeling that way

about the world's smartest detective?

(tripping sound)

I can't, I don't know what to do with her.

The only thing I know for sure

is that there'd be other nights, other stories,

other close calls other intrigues

(water splashes)

but only one Ace Crawford.

(audience laughs)

(smooth jazz music)

(upbeat music)