Ace Crawford... Private Eye (1983): Season 1, Episode 1 - Murder at Restful Hills - full transcript

(jazz music)

(gunshots)

(upbeat jazz music)

(gunshot)

(bright jazz music)

(upbeat jazz music)

- I'm not going to let a punk like that bust up

our entire operation.

We've got to get rid of him.

His name goes in the black book.

- Bull, I wouldn't talk in front of the, uh,



the you-know-what.

- Hey!

My little Dee Dee, she wouldn't squeal on

her sugar daddy, would you?

- No, of course not, Bull.

Besides, I didn't hear nothing.

- That's my baby.

Now, I want you and the doc to make sure

that clown Tyler doesn't make any noise,

know what I mean?

- Tyler, the doc is here to see you about

your tonsils.

- For what?

- This should only take a minute.



- Hey, ain't no one supposed to come and

touch me until the trial.

I ain't taking no chances on

Bull's boys getting to me.

- I can certainly understand that.

Now if you'll just open wide for me.

Say "ah."

- "Ah."

(suspenseful music)

- [Toomy voiceover] Whoever said "What you don't know can't

hurt you" sure didn't know my boss, Ace Crawford.

Like all great detectives, he reads up on everything.

Sometimes it takes him a while to get all the facts.

Sometimes it's a bit of a struggle,

but Ace never gives up.

I guess that's why I admire him so much.

Why else would I spend so much time away from

my family and my full time profession, which is

that of an accountant?

It isn't always easy for me to tear myself away,

but if the great Ace Crawford can do it,

so can I.

(piano music)

♪ Love, love, oh careless love

(piano hits wrong notes)

- (laughs) Thank you, Ace.

- How do you always know it's me, Mello?

- It's just a wild guess.

- Yeah?

Hey, Lu, what do you say?

♪ Just see what love has done to me ♪

- New dress, huh?

You sure can wear threads, you know that?

You and clothes go together

♪ Just see what love--

like a tuna sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Maybe some bean sprouts on that sand--

- I though I was going to see this week.

- Sorry, Lu, but it's the busy season, you know?

- We just could've had a cup of coffee.

- Hey, look, you think I'm going to

ask some kid like you to sit around

the house knitting baby shoes while I'm out there

tracking down every hood in town?

- Ace--

- You know how many of those clowns would like

to see my guts spilled all over the sidewalk?

(voice amplified)

- Ace, I only wanted--

- How would you like to find out that

I'm deep sixed in a garbage bag with

a shark banging on me for an appetizer?

- Ace--

- Maybe you'll find me in the trunk of some old car

with a face full of buckshot.

Or maybe skinned, hanging upside down from

a pine tree, those buzzards plucking out my eyes,

pecking on them...

Got to get a new chef in here.

Catch you later, guys.

- [Mello] Okay, Ace.

(microphone feedback)

(piano music)

- Test.

- Oh. Well, these are terrific.

- Hey! Look what you did!

If they weren't fake, I'd rearrange your face.

- How about I buy you a drink.

- I'll take the money instead, twinkle-toes.

- We can work this out.

- What do you say, Inch?

- A-A-Ace, I got to warn you--

- See you later, Inch.

(crashing)

- Thanks, Inch.

- Ever hear of a Dee Dee Boswell?

- Dee Dee Boswell?

(loud crunching)

- Dee Dee Boswell?

(tapping)

- Yeah, yeah.

(loud crunching)

- She's a mud wrestler, isn't she?

She goes with that Bull Bates,

the guy who has a trucking company.

- Yeah, she asked me if she could park it in

your booth.

- Looks like a society dame, doesn't she?

(loud crunching)

- Must be. She slipped a ten-spot on me.

Said to keep my little mouth shut.

You know how I hate small jokes.

- Yeah. Did you give her back the ten-spot?

- No, I ain't that touchy.

- Thanks.

- Hey, Ace. (hums) Take a shot.

- You got it.

(breaking glass)

- Thanks.

- You got pearls in your nuts.

- Dee Dee? Name's Crawford.

Word's out you're looking for me.

- Word's out you're the best.

- Yeah? (squeaking)

I hold my own. So what's the story?

- I'm in a jam.

- Jam, huh? I'll tell you something,

me and jam are old buddies--

- Look, I got big troubles.

- These troubles you got Dee Dee...

Mind if I call you Dee?

- Yeah, I hate nicknames.

- I understand that.

These, uh, tro--

These, uh, troubles you got, how big are they?

- You know that guy Tyler who died in prison?

- Yeah, I heard about that.

Got a bum rap from the doctor, didn't he?

His tonsils lived, but the rest of him died.

- Bull Bates had him rubbed out.

- How do you know that?

♪ His endearing young charms

- [Dee Dee] Bull's got a black book in his files.

He keeps those accident reports in it.

♪ That I gaze on--

- [Dee Dee] (voice amplifying) Everyone he's

ever had rubbed out is listed in it. He's a--

♪ Were to fate--

- [Ace] Whoa, whoa, listen, Bates ever gets wind of

♪ Tomorrow and

- [Ace] our little meeting here, he's going

to need dental reports to tell us apart.

So, you got this, uh, you-know-what?

- What?

- The, uh...

- Hands?

- No. Sounds like.

- [Dee Dee] Shake, shake. Um, shook!

- Sure.

- Do I have the shook?

- No. (voice amplifying) You got Bull Bates' book?

♪ Over with you

- I can get it for you, but I can't talk here.

Look, that's where I work.

Give me a call.

Don't come by unless you want to be

ruining some trunk.

- Yes. Don't worry.

Me and trunks are old buddies.

You don't have a little piece of paper

you can scratch this out on, do you?

- Thanks for the beer.

- Right. I'll take you out the back way.

(glass breaking)

- [Toomy voiceover] There's no one quite like Ace Crawford.

The guy can take a stick of a clue and

build you a log cabin of a case.

(engine stalling)

Did I ever tell you how we met?

He needed a push to get his car started one night.

Unfortunately, some hood picked that time to

take a shot at him. Almost hit me.

Ace saved my life when he

slammed the trunk down on my head.

I still get those headaches,

but I owe him a lot.

Of course, the wife gets a little on edge when

he calls me up to go out on a case.

(dialing)

- [Toomy] Hello?

- Toomy?

- [Toomy] Ace, I can't talk right now.

I'm helping Ricky with his homework.

(wife yelling)

- Listen to me, Toomy, I need you to meet me at

the Club Paree in half an hour.

- [Toomy's Wife] It's not worth it!

- [Toomy] No, he doesn't need me tonight, honey.

- [Toomy's Wife] Say goodbye to your daddy!

- Toomy, I'm having trouble with this loaner again.

- [Toomy's Wife] --tired of you getting involved--

- I'm going to get Inch to give me a push and

I'll meet you there.

- [Toomy's Wife] --you've got a family, you know! And--

- [Toomy] Club Paree in half an hour.

(wife's yelling continues)

- Right.

- [Toomy Voiceover] Naturally, I got to

the Club Paree before Ace did.

You see, Ace had bought this fancy Romanian car.

Trouble is, he could never get parts for it over here,

so he's always having to drive this terrible loaner.

He doesn't mind, though. Says he looks

less conspicuous this way.

Anyway, it's all very exciting for a guy like me.

(crashing)

(upbeat, energizing music)

- [Toomy Voiceover] Ace never told me how he felt about

mud wrestlers. Somehow we never talked about

things like that.

All I know is that if I ever came home covered with

mud, my wife would kill me.

- Ace! Long time, no see.

- Yeah, I quit smoking.

- Let me know when you want to take up something else.

- I'll put you on the list, Tara.

Is Toomy here?

- Right over there for about an hour.

- All right. Catch you later.

(whistling and cheering)

- Ace, look, my wife is really getting on

my case about my doing this.

I can't--

(mud splatting)

- Are you going to start again?

How often does an accountant get an

opportunity to be a top detective, huh?

- Well, I know that, but she--

- Just follow my instructions, all right?

Ask me for a match.

- Ace, you know I don't smoke.

(shushing)

- Just ask me for a match!

- (whispering) Why should I ask you for a match?

- Because I don't want people to know we're together!

- You got a match?

- Louder.

- Uh, got a match?

- Sure. Here, fella.

(mud splatting)

- Well?

- Well, what?

- Open the book of matches.

Read it.

- "You, too, can learn to draw.

- Right.

Below that.

- Oh! We're gonna get bats.

- Right, now listen. Here's the plan...

That's not "bats," that's "Bates!"

- You don't mean Bull Bates?

Ace, look, I've got 50 state capitols to learn in order.

- I don't want to hear about it now, all right?

Now, look, you see that wrestler over

there in the white bathing suit?

(mud splatting)

- Um, no.

- All right, now look, that's Bates' girl.

Come on, I'm going to talk to her.

- Ace, I have got to know

the major exports of five countries...

- Dee Dee.

Dee Dee!

(mud splatting)

- Are you crazy, coming here?

- Don't worry, I found out that on

Thursday nights, Bates plays cards.

- Oh! You're good.

- You know it.

By the way, this is my assistant, Toomy.

- I'm also his accountant.

We've been working as a tight-knit group for the past--

- - Toomy, we don't have time for that now,

all right? Okay?

Now look, Toomy is going to go back to

the warehouse and get the black book.

I'll stay here and protect you.

(Dee Dee grunting)

- What black book?

- The very incriminating black book that

Bull Bates has back at his warehouse.

You're going to get it.

- Ace, my wife is really expecting me at any minute--

- [Dee Dee] Here are the directions.

Top drawer of the filing cabinet.

Be careful of the killer dogs.

- He will.

- What about the killer dogs?

- What about the killer dogs?

Very simple: you take a piece of raw meat,

you throw it at the dog,

then you go in the warehouse.

Is that so hard?

- Well, no, but what happens when I come out

and the killer dogs have finished the meat?

- Have you ever had a situation like that?

- No, I can't say that I have--

- Then how do you know it's going to come up?

- Okay, Ace, I'll get the black book,

but there's something I have to talk to you about.

This might be my last case,

with the tax season coming up--

- Toomy, I don't want to hear about tax season,

all right? Okay?

Now look, I'm going to go backstage and wait for Dee Dee.

You wait here 5 minutes and then leave.

- Five. All right.

(Dee Dee grunting)

(mud splatting)

(cheering crowd)

(sighing)

(mud splatting)

- [Toomy Voiceover] Rumor had it that

Bull Bates had never lost a game of poker.

Rumor was right.

- I'm out.

(Bull laughing)

- Nothing here.

- (laughing) Flying high.

It's his first time.

Maybe you don't know the rules.

- I know the rules, boss.

I just may have you beat, that's all.

Pair of deuces?

(glass breaking)

(screaming)

- It's still early.

I think I'll go give Dee Dee a surprise.

(suspenseful music)

- [Toomy Voiceover] Ace didn't know it,

but he was heading for big trouble.

- Hello?

Hello?

(screaming)

- You're quite a guy.

- Yeah.

- Nothing scares you, does it?

- Very little.

- I like that in a man.

- Really?

(bones cracking)

- Thanks. You had quite a night.

Why don't we sit down?

- All right.

Beer?

- No, thanks.

- On duty, huh?

- Yeah.

(cap popping)

- You've got those piercing eyes I love.

There's a real hunk of man riding behind them.

- Yeah? Well, don't forget I'm on duty.

- You lookers are all alike.

You know you can get any piece of candy in town.

- Yeah, maybe I don't have a sweet-tooth.

- Maybe you need new teeth.

- Is that right?

- I'm going to go straighten up.

Why don't you do the same?

- Good idea.

(sizzling)

- Hey, Dee! It's Bull!

Hope you're not decent.

I changed my mind about tonight.

Thought we'd get together.

- [Dee Dee] (laughing) I knew you'd come around.

I'll be right out.

♪ Won't you come home Bill Bailey, ♪

♪ won't you come home.

(screams)

You!

- What do you mean "you?"

Who else would it be?

- Well of course it's you.

What happened to your card game?

- Eh, it broke up early.

- Where's, uh...so how's it going?

- Good. There something eating you?

- No.

- Hey, what's going on here?

- Nothing. There's just been some guy hanging around--

- Somebody bothering you?

I'll bust them in half!

- No! It's nothing, Bull. Relax.

- Why don't you slip in to something and

we'll go over to my place?

- Sure.

- Don't get too dressed, you know what I mean?

- I left some of my things in there.

(knocking)

- [Toomy] I got the book!

I said I got the book!

- [Bull] Book? What book?

- Must be that kid selling Bibles.

Comes around here every night with the Good Book.

(Dee Dee screaming)

- Unbelievable. I have been on some tough ones before

in my day, but this takes the cake.

Look at this. I did everything you said.

There must have been 11 of them.

They just started coming at me and then...

my wife is gonna...

I'm not even going to think about it.

So, you want the book?

Look, when you want the book, you let me know, because

I got it right here.

- Tell the kids we don't need any more Bibles, Bull.

- Bull?

- We've got the Book. We got a lot of Books.

I steal them from motels.

- You know, I think I have the wrong dressing room.

Excuse me.

- You look like you've been attacked by mad dogs.

Why don't you put on a fur coat.

Yeah, the little fur coat that daddy bought Dee Dee.

Yeah, that's better.

- Yeah.

(Ace grunting)

(Dee Dee grunting louder)

- Let's get out of here.

- Now you're talking.

- Let's just get going, all right? Let's go.

- Hold it.

- Hold what?

- I smell something.

I smell pants.

- Pants?

- I smell pants burning.

Whose are those?

- Those? Well, these are my pants, Bull.

I got a little mud on them and so

I just put them there to dry.

So, let's get going, huh?

- Ace Crawford, private--Ace Crawford!

Ace Crawford!

You ain't thinking of ratting on me, are you?

- [Dee Dee] About what?

- [Bull] Telling some hotshot private eye how

I got rid of that Tyler guy in prison?

Or maybe how I got rid of the other guys?

- No, Bull. Really, it's nothing like that.

- It's something like that, ain't it?

- Look, Bull, let me explain.

I can't go on like this anymore.

All those missing people being rubbed out.

I asked you over and over to quit.

You said you would, but you never did.

- I'm trying.

- Oh, Bull!

- I think you just bought the big one.

- All right, Bull, I got you covered.

Drop it.

- Of all the cheap tricks!

And I heard so much about you, Ace.

Never met you face-to-face.

- All right, freeze!

- Toomy, I believe we have everything under control here.

- I got the black book, Ace.

- I heard, Toomy.

- You know, it wasn't as easy as you said.

That warehouse was very dark.

I had to go up a whole flight of stairs,

Finally found--

- Toomy. We have other problems here.

- How'd you get past my killer poochies?

- It was all Ace's idea. Raw meat on the way in

and more raw meat on the way out.

You know, you didn't say anything about

those dobermans. They were all over the place.

There must've been like 14--

- Toomy, we don't have the time now for...

Time now.

(celebratory music)

- I still don't understand how you were able to

get Bull Bates to admit the Tyler murder just like that.

You know you're not allowed to torture anymore.

- I know that.

- I mean, after my men have been working on

that case day and night, around the clock.

- Is that right?

- It just boggles the mind.

- I bet it does.

- And the black book.

I bet that took you a little while, huh?

- We had a moment, yeah.

- It's just this side of genius, Ace.

How do you do it? I'd really like to know.

How do you do it?

- Experience, Lieutenant. Experience.

That's all life is: a little experience.

Next thing you know, you get to know how to do

just about everything in life, you know what I mean?

- Yeah. One of these days I'm going to beat you to it, Ace.

Then you can hand out all the compliments.

- I bet.

- Hey, Ace! I don't know why you bother

talking to the fuzz.

- Hey, come on.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Fuzz gotta make a living, too, boys.

- I'm off now, Ace. I'm gonna walk home alone.

Probably have some dinner alone.

Watch a little TV alone.

- Okay, catch you tomorrow, then, Lu.

- Maybe I'll have a drink alone.

- What have I got here, Ace.

- You've got, um...

- I'll have the same.

- You've got gin.

- Gin!

Wow.

- Yeah. I owe you 11 bucks, then, Mello.

- Hello.

- Yeah, you're good.

Well, guess I'll see you boys tomorrow.

So long, Inch.

- Sleep tight, Ace.

- All right.

- Now who ordered the gin?

- Ace, I just spoke to Bea. She's pretty upset.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

- Not now, Toomy. I've had a long day, okay?

Well, Toomy. Another day, another dollar.

- Which reminds me, Ace. About the payment scheme.

I was thinking that maybe--

- Toomy, no time for that now.

You have a family to get home to.

- Well, that's just what I wanted to bring up.

I was just thinking that possibly you could send--

- Toomy.

- All right. Goodnight, Ace.

- [Toomy Voiceover] Well, I lost another night's sleep.

My wife probably won't talk to me for days.

My son's going to flunk his geography test.

My daughter's going to be angry at me just on principle.

I ruined another suit.

Why do I do it?

Why do I lay my life on the line for this man?

Sometimes I wonder.

(splashing)

Like now.

(Upbeat jazz)