According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 8, Episode 14 - Happy Jim - full transcript

Everyone takes advantage of Jim's bad back when he takes pain pills and finds out the truth under the influence.

SO, HONEY, WHEN YOU'RE
DONE IN THE KITCHEN,

WOULD YOU MIND LIFTING UP
THE RUGS IN THE LIVING ROOM

AND BUFFING THE HARDWOOD FLOORS
IN THERE? THIS IS A FLOOR WAXER?

YEAH. OH, I THOUGHT
IT WAS A MINI ZAMBONI

AND WE WERE GONNA MAKE
AN ICE RINK OUT IN THE BACKYARD.

OH, HEY, GUYS.
GREAT.

OOH, WE WAXING THE FLOOR
FOR THE CAKE PARTY?

WHAT? NOTHING,
NOTHING. ANDY, GO HOME.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DID
HE SAY? NOTHING, NOTHING.

HE'S BEEN DRINKIN'. WHOO. SMELL THAT
BOURBON? NO WAY! I BRUSHED MY TEETH.



FREEZE RIGHT THERE,
BOTH OF YA!

I THOUGHT I HEARD
THE "P" WORD.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
T-E-L-L SPACE H-I-M.

I DIDN'T HAVE
THE C-H-A-N-C-E.

YOU KNOW, I-I-I DON'T
CARE WHAT YOU SPELL,

I HEARD THE WORD "PARTY."

OKAY, HONEY, HONEY,
GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN.

YOU SEE WHAT
I'M DOING, CHERYL?

DO YOU SEE HOW I'M
GAZING OFF INTO SPACE?

WHAT AM I DOIN', CHERYL?
CHECKING YOUR FILES.

I'M CHECKING MY FILES,

AND I DON'T SEE
A PARTY REQUEST FORM.

I TOLD YA
TO FILE THE FORMS.

I WAS REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS PARTY,



AND NOW THIS JERK
IS GONNA RUIN IT.

SEE YA, BUDDY.

COME ON. OKAY, JIM,
HERE'S THE THING.

I'M HAVING SOME PEOPLE
OVER ON SATURDAY,

BUT I WOULDN'T REALLY
CALL IT A PARTY.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? A MEETING
OF MY CAKE DECORATING SOCIETY...

ALL RIGHT.
AND OUR HUSBANDS.

OH, COME ON, CHERYL! YOU KNOW
I DON'T LIKE PARTIES.

YOU KNOW I DON'T
LIKE PEOPLE,

AND PEOPLE AT PARTIES
DON'T LIKE ME.

OH, HONEY, I LIKE HAVING PEOPLE
OVER. I THINK IT'S FUN.

FUN?

WAS IT FUN AT YOUR
BIRTHDAY PARTY, CHERYL?

HEY, HEY!
YEAH!

OKAY!

WE'RE DONE HERE!
EVERYBODY OUT!

WAS IT FUN
CHRISTENING THE TWINS?

(whispers)
OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.

EVERYBODY OUT.

I KNOW BUT...

(normal voice) WAS IT FUN
AT YOUR GAME NIGHT?

I'VE GOT IT! OKAY,
WE'RE DONE HERE.

EVERYBODY OUT!

JIM, IT'S ONE NIGHT.

IT'S CAKE
AND IT'S DRINKS,

AND IT'S REALLY
IMPORTANT TO ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S
IMPORTANT TO ME, CHERYL?

FILING THE PROPER
PAPERWORK!

BUT THAT'S NOT AS IMPORTANT
AS MAKING ME HAPPY, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME CHECK THE FILES.

NO, CAN'T FIND IT
IN THE FILES.

CHECK UNDER "W"
FOR "WEDDING VOWS."

OH, MUST HAVE
LOST IT IN THE FIRE.

"L" FOR
"LOVING ACTS OF KINDNESS."

NOT THERE.

"H" FOR "HALF YOUR STUFF."
THERE IT IS.

♪♪♪

NOW IT'S ALWAYS SMART,

BEFORE WE START,
TO REVIEW THE INSTRUCTIONS.

"CHAPTER ONE... SO YOU BOUGHT
YOURSELF A NEW WAXER..."

CHAPTER TWO...
JIM TURNS IT ON.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA! JIM! OH, NO!

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING, MAN?

IT SAYS TO BEGIN
ON THE LOWEST SETTING!

OH! TURN IT OFF!

I DON'T KNOW HOW I
TURNED IT ON! TURN IT OFF!

WHEW.

WHAT... WHAT
DID YOU DO?

I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST PRESSED THESE...

OH.
OH!

(crash)
OW! MY BACK!

UH, APPENDIX A...

"SO YOU'VE HURT YOURSELF
USING YOUR NEW WAXER."

HEY, BUDDY,
HOW'S YOUR BACK?

CHERYL SAID YOU WERE
AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM

FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU COULD USE A HUG.

SO SAY HI
TO GET BETTER BEAR.

WELL, HELLO,
GET BETTER BEAR.

UH, JIM,
ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, MR. BEAR,

WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME HONEY?

I DON'T THINK
WE HAVE ANY,

BUT WE GOT
LOTS OF SUGAR.

UH, LET ME GUESS.
PAIN PILLS?

OH, DON'T MIND
IF I DO.

OH, THERE
ARE MY ANGELS.

HEY...

(high-pitched voice)
I LOVE YOU BEAR-Y MUCH!

WHAT THE "H"?

THE, UH, PAIN PILLS
YOUR DAD'S TAKIN'

ARE MAKING HIM
FEEL PRETTY GOOD.

(whispers) UM, SO IF YOU
HAVE ANY BAD NEWS,

NOW'S THE TIME.

I QUIT BASEBALL
AND NEVER TOLD YOU.

(normal voice)
THAT'S OKAY, SON.

I NEVER PAID
THE LEAGUE FEES!

SOMETIMES
I STEAL MONEY

FROM MOMMY'S PURSE.

SO DO I!

(normal voice) ALL RIGHT,
YOU TWO, BEAT IT.

I GOT SOME THINGS TO SAY
BEFORE THIS THING WEARS OFF.

UH, JIM, A-A WHILE AGO

I, UH, RENTED A CAR
ON THE COMPANY CREDIT CARD

SO I COULD TAKE
A GIRL ON A DATE.

THAT'S GREAT.

I ALSO RENTED THE DATE.

THAT'S OKAY, ANDY.

IT'S ONLY MONEY,

AND I WANT YOU
TO BE HAPPY.

HEY, HONEY, I WAS THINKING
ABOUT MY CAKE PARTY,

AND I WAS THINKING
MAYBE 'CAUSE YOU'RE HURT,

I SHOULD POSTPONE IT.

WHY, HONEY?
IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU.

YEAH, BUT... BUT MAYBE I SHOULD
JUST CUT DOWN THE GUEST LIST.

NO, I THINK
YOU SHOULD ADD TO IT.

REALLY? WHO?

(high-pitched voice)
HI, CHERYL.

I LIKE CAKE, TOO!

OHH, I LOVE
THIS BEAR!

(normal voice)
YOU'RE SOMETHIN' ELSE!

I'M GONNA GO
IN THE KITCHEN

AND LOOK FOR SOME SUGAR
FOR MR. BEAR!

AHH, THERE'S MY BUDDY...

WHO'S WITH HIS BUDDY.

AHH, HEY.

UM, JUST
A QUICK HEADS UP,

I'M GONNA BE PLAYING GOLF
THURSDAY MORNING,

SO I'M GONNA BE
A LITTLE LATE TO WORK.

UH, I'LL BE IN
AROUND NOON ON MONDAY.

THAT IS
TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!

OH, UH, NO,
I-I JUST THOUGHT THAT...

ANDY, ANDY, PLEASE, I AM
WATCHING THE GAME RIGHT NOW!

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO...

OH, COME ON, REF! THAT'S
THE WORST CALL I'VE EVER...

(grunts) STUPID REF!

AAH! OH, MY GOD!

GET BETTER BEAR!

LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE OFF THE PAIN MEDS?

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!
WHY?

'CAUSE I DON'T NEED 'EM ANYMORE!
I'M NOT IN PAIN!

WELL, YOU SEEM LIKE
YOU MIGHT BE IN PAIN.

WELL, I CAN HANDLE IT!

NOW GIVE ME THE REMOTE
AND GET ME A SODA.

JEEZ, FINE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE UPSET AT ME

WHEN KYLE QUIT BASEBALL
AND RUBY'S STEALIN' FROM CHERYL.

WHAT?!

PUT MINE IN A GLASS!

DAMN IT!

(chuckles)

NAH, I COULDN'T.

WELL, I COULD...

BUT I SHOULDN'T.

I SHOULDN'T...

(whispers) BUT I MIGHT.

(groaning)

UH, I WANT TO,
BUT I WON'T.

HEY!

WHO IS AMBER, AND WHAT
DOES SHE DO FOR $500?

(normal voice) I WANT TO,
AND I WILL.

(chuckles)

AHH, I DID IT,

AND I'M GLAD.

(groans)

TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!

OH... (laughs)

I, UH... I WANTED
TO MAKE IT JUST RIGHT.

WELL, HERE IT IS...
THE SEARS TOWER IN CAKE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

(sighs) IN A WORD... NO.

WHAT?
NOW AS AN ARCHITECT,

MAY I, UH, POINT OUT THAT
THE SCALE'S COMPLETELY OFF,

THE DETAIL IS HORRENDOUS,

AND IT'S MISSING
ITS TRADEMARK RADIO TOWERS.

I'LL LET
YOU LICK THE KNIFE.

OH, HOORAY.

OH, CHERYL?

CHERYL.

I SPOTTED
THIS FLOWER ON MY WALK.

IT REMINDED ME OF YOU.

OHH.

IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL,

IT SMELLS GREAT,

AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY
WHEN I LOOK AT IT.

HONEY.

WELL, HELLO, CHEERFUL.
WHAT GOT INTO YOU?

(chuckles)

CHERYL!

I-IS THAT THE SEARS TOWER? YEAH.

WHAT A GREAT LIKENESS!
AHH!

(coughs) SUCKY CAKE,
SUCKY CAKE! (clears throat)

IT'S COMPLETELY EDIBLE,

EVEN THE SECURITY GUARD
MADE OUT OF MARZIPAN.

(squeaky laugh)

THE SECURITY GUARDS

ARE MADE OUT OF MAMSY-POO?

I AM GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME
AT THIS PARTY TONIGHT!

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I NEED TO SPEND
SOME TIME WITH MY KIDS,

AND THEN I'M GONNA CLIP
THE HAIR OUT OF MY EAR.

MM.
MM.

OH, WHAT THE HELL?

YOU TASTE LIKE FROSTING!

I KNEW YOU WOULD!

LOVE THIS GUY,
LOVE THIS GUY!

WOW.

THAT WAS WEIRD.
(clears throat)

I THOUGHT JIM WAS DONE
TAKING HIS PAIN PILLS.

OH, REALLY?
UH-HUH.

WELL, MAYBE SOMEONE
REFILLED HIS PRESCRIPTION.

(chuckles)

WHAT DID YOU DO?

MM, NOTHING.

YOU DID SOMETHING.
OKAY, I DID DO SOMETHING...

SOMETHING WONDERFUL.

ANDY, YOU DRUGGED HIM.
(gasps)

CHERYL! "DRUGGED" IS
SUCH A TERRIBLE WORD.

WELL...
I MEDICATED HIM.

HOW COULD
YOU DO THAT?

OH, HE WAS
BEIN' A JERK!

SO, YOU KNOW,
SOME PILLS ACCIDENTALLY

FOUND THEIR WAY
INTO HIS SODA... (gasps)

YESTERDAY...
AND AGAIN TODAY.

ANDY, THAT IS DANGEROUS
AND IMMORAL.

YOU CAN'T GIVE
PAINKILLERS TO SOMEONE

WHEN THEY'RE
NOT IN PAIN!

CHERYL, HE TORE THE HEAD OFF
A DEFENSELESS GET BETTER BEAR!

AND, BY THE WAY,

HE'S STEALING MONEY
FROM YOUR PURSE.

UGH, SO DOES RUBY.

THAT'S NO REASON
TO DRUG HIM!

FINE, FINE. YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT.

OH, HMM.
AHH.

I MEAN, WHAT'S... WHAT'S THE BIG
DEAL IF HE'S NOT IN A GOOD MOOD

FOR YOUR
CAKE DECORATING PARTY, HUH?

NO, NO, NO.

YOUR GUESTS
WILL HAVE A GREAT TIME

FROM THE MOMENT THEY ENTER
UNTIL FIVE MINUTES LATER

WHEN JIM YELLS
AT THEM TO LEAVE.

OH, I-I-I CAN'T
GIVE HIM PAINKILLERS

WHEN HE'S
NOT EVEN HURT.

WELL, THEN MAYBE
WE SHOULD HURT HIM.

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA ASK JIM
TO TAKE THIS CAKE BOX

OUT TO THE FRIDGE
IN THE GARAGE. (grunts)

OKAY.

THE WEIGHT
OF THE CINDER BLOCKS

WILL THROW HIM OFF BALANCE,
AND HE'LL HURT HIS BACK.

OHH.

HE'LL BE IN SO MUCH PAIN,
HE'LL HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER PILL.

THIS IS SO MUCH NICER THAN
DRUGGING HIM FOR NO REASON. YEAH.

OHH, SO WHEN
DO WE DO IT?

WHEN THE OTHER
PILL WEARS OFF. OKAY.

HEY! WHERE'S THE REMOTE?

WHO HID MY REMOTE?

OH, OH.

I FOUND IT.
I'M SITTIN' ON IT.

I THINK IT'S TIME.
LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES.

WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHERE YOU GOIN'?

I CAN'T BE
A PART OF THIS.

WHAT? NO, YOU...
YOU THOUGHT OF IT!

IT... WE'RE CALLING IT
CHERYL'S CINDER BLOCK CAKE PLAN!

ANDY,

THIS IS NOT A REMOTE,
THIS IS A CELL PHONE.

I PRESSED CHANNEL 6
AND CALLED MY MOTHER!

HEY, BUDDY,

UM, REALLY
GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

LISTEN, CHERYL WOULD LIKE YOU
TO TAKE THIS CAKE BOX

OUT TO THE GARAGE
REFRIGERATOR.

WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE IT?

UH, BECAUSE SHE WANTS
YOU TO TAKE IT.

WELL, NOW I'M TELLIN' YOU
TO TAKE IT.

NO, SHE TOLD ME
TO TELL YOU TO TAKE IT.

WELL, WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHO
TAKES... WOULD YOU JUST TAKE IT?!

WOW, YOU'RE QUITE STRONG.

WOULD YOU GET THE DOOR
FOR ME?

UH, OH, W-W-WHY DON'T
YOU GET THE DOOR?

WHY DO I HAVE TO GET
THE DOOR?

FINE, TAKE THE CAKE.
FINE. OW!

WHAT WAS THE CINDER BLOCK DOIN'
IN THAT BOX FOR THE CAKE?

I COULD'VE PULLED
MY BACK AGAIN!

GET ME A PAIN PILL,
GET ME A PAIN PILL!

WELL, FINE, FINE.

YOU GOT ONE.

AS LONG AS YOU TELL ME
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE.

OH, THE PAIN,
THE PAIN!

RELIEF IS RIGHT HERE!

OH. WHAT'S WITH
THE CINDER BLOCK?

UH, IT'S... IT'S
A NEW KIND OF CAKE.

I DON'T EXPECT
IT'LL CATCH ON.

NO, NO, NO! OKAY, CHERYL...
CHERYL'S TRYING TO HURT YOU!

WHY? UH, SHE WANTS YOU
TO HAVE TO TAKE PAIN PILLS

SO YOU'RE NOT A JERK
AT THE PARTY.

HER WORDS, NOT MINE.

ANDY, DID YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS?

UH, YES, YES I DID.

I WAS IN ON IT
FROM THE BEGINNING,

I EVEN HELPED
NAME THE PLAN.

ANDY, THANK YOU
FOR BEING HONEST.

OHH!

WHAT'D YOU
DO THAT FOR?

BECAUSE I'M A JERK
WITHOUT MY PAIN PILLS!

SHE WANTS ME HOPPED UP
ON PILLS, DOES SHE?

WELL, THEN
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA BE
HOPPED UP ON PILLS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA HAVE NICE
MINTY FRESH BREATH.

(gasps) MEREDITH,

THAT IS SO GREAT!

NIAGARA FALLS, RIGHT?

IT WAS THE WHITE HOUSE,
WASN'T IT, MERV?

I TRIPPED COMING UP
THE STEPS.

(Jim) OOH!

HELLO.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL

LIVING ROOM.

THAT'S A FUNNY WORD...

ROOM.

(rolls R's) ROOM!

(rolls R's) ROOM!

THERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE!

GET YOUR HANDS
OFF MY WIFE!

EASY, MERV.

(gasps)

TWINS!

HOT!

I-I-I'M SORRY. MY... MY
HUSBAND HURT HIS BACK.

HE'S BEEN TAKING
SOME PAIN PILLS.

OH, YEAH,
ABOUT THAT CHERYL.

TH-THEY'RE NOT REALLY WORKIN',
SO I TOOK A COUPLE MORE.

(gasps) WHAT?
HOW MANY?

I DON'T KNOW.

TWO?

FOUR?

♪ SIX, EIGHT,
WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? ♪

♪ CHERYL, CHERYL

YEAH!

HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.

I THINK MAYBE
YOU TOOK TOO MANY.

NO, I-I JUST TOOK
LIKE THIS

AND PUT 'EM IN MY HAND LIKE
THAT, AND THEN I WENT LIKE THIS.

(gasps) JIM, JIM.

THAT IS REALLY,
REALLY BAD.

CHERYL!

LOOK AT THAT!

WOW!

I KNOW THIS ONE.

THIS IS THAT BUILDING
IN WASHINGTON

HONORING THAT GUY

WITH THE BUILDING
IN WASHINGTON!

THAT'S BIG.

I WOULDN'T
DO THAT, CH...

HEY, CHERYL, LOOK.

I'M... I'M JIM-ZILLA.

(growling)

OH! OH!

JIMMY! CAN
YOU HEAR ME?

OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD!

IS THAT YOU, MOMMY?

OH, ANDY! ANDY, COME HERE.

JIM... JIM TOOK TOO MANY
PAIN PILLS AND HE PASSED OUT!

HE'S FINE. HE DIDN'T
TAKE ANY PAIN PILLS.

HE'S FAKIN' IT.

WHAT? WHAT?
IS... IS THAT TRUE?

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT
IT'S TRUE!

WHY WOULD
YOU DO THAT?

TO TEACH YOU A LESSON!
A LESSON ABOUT WHAT?

THAT EVEN
WITHOUT PAIN PILLS,

I'M A PLEASANT GUY!

OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.

EVERYBODY OUT!

WELL, CHERYL, AS USUAL,

I'VE DONE SOME OF MY
BEST THINKING IN THE SHOWER,

AND I HAVE DECIDED

NOT TO PRESS CHARGES

AS LONG AS YOUR APOLOGY
IS SINCERE

AND AT LEAST
FIVE MINUTES LONG.

I'M SUPPOSED
TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LET ME START THE WATCH.

GO!

YOU RUINED MY PARTY,

AND YOU EMBARRASSED ME.

YOU TRIED
TO DRUG ME!

MEDICATE YOU.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT ANOTHER
PARTY TO END IN A SCENE.

WELL, THEN
DON'T INVITE ME!

JIM, IS IT REALLY
THAT AWFUL?

YES, CHERYL, IT IS
THAT AWFUL. IT IS.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE THE CHILDREN,
AND I TOLERATE ANDY.

THAT IS IT! I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

WHY DO YOU KEEP
HAVIN' THESE PARTIES?

WELL, I GUESS I JUST KEEP HOPING
YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THE NEXT ONE.

CHERYL, CHERYL,
AT THE WEDDING,

WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING
I SAID AFTER "I DO"?

YOU TURNED TO MY FATHER

AND YOU SAID,
"TAKE THAT. SHE'S MINE NOW."

AFTER THAT, AFTER THAT.

YOU SAID, "CAN WE
SKIP THE RECEPTION?"

SEE?

I MAY BE A JERK, HONEY,
BUT I'M CONSISTENT.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES,
WE'LL NEVER GO TO ANOTHER PARTY.

THANK YOU.

I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST
FIGHT I'VE EVER WON.

WAIT, LET ME
CHECK MY FILES.

YEP, FIRST ONE!

YES, JIM, YOU WON.

I DID. SO NO MORE
KIDS' BIRTHDAY PARTIES?

OH, WE CAN HAVE
KIDS' BIRTHDAYS.

NO THANKSGIVING
OR CHRISTMAS?

HONEY, THOSE ARE HOLIDAYS.
WE HAVE TURKEY.

THAT'S DIFFERENT.

SUPER BOWL? I INVITE A
COUPLE FRIENDS OVER!

HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU GET A
NEW GRILL? OH, I LOVE BARBECUES.

BUT BARBECUES
AREN'T PARTIES.

YES, THEY ARE!

WE JUST DON'T
CALL THEM THAT.

REALLY?
YES!

WELL, THEN MAYBE
IT'S POSSIBLE

I JUST DON'T LIKE
MEREDITH AND MERV.

FINE, THEY
ARE DEAD TO ME.

KYLE CAN GET
A NEW GODMOTHER.

BUT I STILL WIN, RIGHT?

OH, YOU TOTALLY WIN!

YOU TOLD ME WHAT'S WHAT,
AND I BACKED DOWN.

DAMN RIGHT.

NOW...

YOU FILE
THE PROPER PAPERWORK,

AND I'LL CONSIDER
THIS FIGHT OVER.

YOU KNOW,

I THINK I HAVE THE PROPER
PAPERWORK RIGHT HERE.

MM.

I THINK I'D LIKE THAT
IN TRIPLICATE, PLEASE.