According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 8, Episode 1 - The Blankie - full transcript

Jim sticks to his story about the kids losing one of the twins' favorite blanket, even after he's found it in his own pocket.



The babies are asleep!
What did you do?

My shirt got me!

The light!

I'm sorry honey, I'm just so tired.
Been up all night with the twins.

You went up once!

What are you talking about?
When you got up you woke me up!

And when you walk, your bones crack!

How old are you?

- I'm tired!
- You're tired?

I'm the one raising three kids and two babies.
You don't even get to use the word "tired"!

How about "I got a job"? Can I use
the word "mortgage"? "Bills"?
"College fund"?

Alright, I can't say that one.

You can use any words you want. I will just
say "breast feeding" and "C section".

Don't try to confuse me
by saying "breast"!

- I'm not gonna have this fight with you.
- I don't wanna have it either.

Listen, I've got a Bears game to watch this
afternoon and they never win when I'm tired!

Are you planning sitting downstairs all
day watching television?

Of course not, honey!
I'm gonna go to a bar!

I can't concentrate through those kids
screaming down there.

- What the hell is that?
- It's the video game you got them.

- Go, go, go, get the babies!
- Oh, just when I got them down!

I got them down!

OK, cool, fine, sure!

Season 8
Episode 1

"The Blankie"

English subtitles by
Pippi Longstocking

Hey, the babies are sleeping.
Keep it down!

Keep it down!

Keep it down!

What are you doing?
We were rocking the house!

Yeah, well, if you wake up those babies
you're gonna be rock in a box under the bridge.

Look what you did!


- I hear the babies crying.
- Thanks for the update, Jim.

Not a fan of that tone, Cheryl.

- Didn't you hear what I said?
- Why can't we play, the babies are up anyway?

Cheryl! Cheryl!

Alright, that's it.

Look, you've upset your mother
and that's for a full nights rest.

Alright everybody, listen up. I'm leaving, I'll
be gone for hours and I'm not gonna tell you
where I'm going. Goodbye.

Wait a second, Cheryl.
I think you're forgetting something.

- And what might that be, Jim?
- Well, the kids, the laundry...

And I've got a Bears game on at noon.

I didn't forget.
I haven't slept for weeks, I'm at my limit.

- Are you leaving because of us, mummy?
- Absolutely.

See! Once I would have lied to spare
your feelings but those days are gone!

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl.

- Cheryl, you can't go!
- Why?

Because we're a team.

- Alright, I didn't believe that either.
- Goodbye.

Cheryl, listen to that!

Crap, crap, crap! Jonathan cries all day long.
With my weak heart I might be dead.

If he cries, pick him up or give him this.
This is his snowman blankie.

If you lose this, you'd wish you were dead.

And for making me cross the room unnecessarily,
I'm gonna stay out an extra hour.

Don't follow me!

You broke your mother!

- What are we gonna do, daddy?
- We all gotta take some responsibility in this house.

Alright, you kids watch the twins,
while I go make lunch.

- Can we have grilled cheese?
- I didn't say I was making lunch to you!

Ruby, Gracie? I need you to watch
the babies for five minutes.

Look at that, huh?


Grab it.

Act like it's your mommy's boob.

That's called using your head.

My god, game time.


I'm gonna put you down.

Look at Gordon.

Why can't you be happy and quiet like Gordon?
No, you gotta be the difficult one.

Let me just give you that little blankie.

Where's the blankie?

Gordon, you have it?

Where's the blankie?

Hi, hi!

Alright, alright, alright.
I got you.

Jonathan, I can't hold you
for the whole game.

I might spank you by accident.

Man, o man!

Is there anything better than 10.5 hours of sleep?
Answer: a two hour nap after breakfast!

Shut your yapping and help me find this
stupid baby his stupid snowman blankie.

You know Jim? You get more flies with honey.

Kids, get down here!

They're supposed to watch the babies during the game.
Now they've lost the kid's blankie.

Well, just draw a snowman on a paper towel.
He won't know, babies are idiots.

I thought so too, but they know!

It's like... they're people.

This blankie is like you and that stupid
stuffed elephant you had as a kid.

Lord Tuskington is not stupid!

He's a lifelong companion. And if I
rub his ears, he takes me to Dreamland.

Oh, come on!

Where have you been?
You're supposed to watch the baby!

We finished that, so we
decided to go watch TV.

- You lost his blankie!
- Gracie!

- Ruby!
- Kyle!

Alright, everybody's gotta pitch in here
and have some responsibility.

Finally, finally, you three rats
are getting what's coming to you!

Beat them, Jim. Beat them.
Beat them with the belt.

Andy, just settle down here alright?
And promise you'll never have children.

Why not? 44 inches of reversible
pleather make for very obedient kids.

- Andy!
- Fine, 56.

Ok, kids, you are not responsible
enough to watch your brother

So you gotta do my job.

Drink coffee and read the paper?

OK, Ruby, start making dinner.
Gracie, laundry.

Kyle, upstairs, make the bed, clean
the trash and pick up these toys.

- We're sorry we lost the blankie, dad.
- I don't wanna hear you're sorry.

I wanna hear vacuuming, scrubbing
and the sound that a meatloaf makes.

Dammit. If we don't find that blankie we're
gonna have to hold them for the whole game.

Hey, how about taking them for a drive, that
usually calms them down?

Yeah, that is a great idea.
That is your uncle Andy.

OK, you can take my truck, just have
them back at the end of the game.

Oh my god!

The blankie, I've had it the whole time!

I must have put it in my pocket when
I was putting stuff in my pocket.


You yelled at your kids for no reason.
I think someone owes them an apology.

I don't owe them nothing. They never
pitch in around here. And I finally got
them up working.


And I intend to keep it that way.

- Yes?
- Do you want mashed potatoes with the meatloaf?

Why, yes, I want mashed potato with my
meatloaf. And some gravy.

- Don't you think that's dishonest?
- Ruby?

And make sure there's enough
for uncle Andy!

Yeah! And bake a cake,
it's my half-birthday!

You heard the man,
hop to it!

Oh, nice, nice, nice!

Alright, settle down, Jonathan.

- That's my boy!
- Dad?

Oh, Jesus!

- I'm done with the laundry.
- You finished the laundry? Good girl!

But you didn't find the
blankie that you lost?

You know what?
Maybe it's at the bottom of the diaper pail.

Why don't you clean it, honey?

Jim? What's up?
What's Kyle doing up on the roof?

Oh, partly looking for the blankie. And partly
putting Santa and the reindeer up.

Good job! You're gonna
have him do the lights?

Oh, come on Andy.
That's unsafe.

You know what, Jim? I've been thinking about
this new work force we have available.

I mean, Ruby's cooking is nice. But her meatloaf
won't fetch the dead pigeon out of my crawl space..

Well... I'm hearing a man's looking to make a deal?

I'm reasonable.

I'll rent my kids...

- What is the offer?
- Now we're talking!

The kids work whenever I need them. And in
exchange, I don't rat you out to Cheryl.

Come on!
What kind of low dirty deal is that?

I made you an honest offer of slave
labor and you try to extort me??

The way I see it, I hold
all the cards here.

Now tell Gracie to get some matches. I've got a burned
out pilot light that her tiny fingers just might reach.

You know, I've got some tiny fingers
and I'd like to do them up your nose.

- You're gonna play some hardball?

- Hey honey, you're back!
- Yeah, well, I got halfway to my exboyfriend before I started to feel guilty.

- Come on!
- Spent the day at a spa and it was just what I needed!

- Wow, this looks great!
- Doesn't it?

Oh, there are my babies!

Do I smell dinner?

Oh, it is so cute, Kyle is
up doing a snow angel.

- Jim, you gotta tell me your secret!
- Well...

Yeah, Jim, tell her!
I would but I'm drawing a blankie.

- Knock it off!
- I just wanna wet my beak. Some laundry,
some light dusting and a casserole.

No deal! Forget it.

Alright! What's going on?

Your husband - a man
I never liked -

- lost Jonathan's blankie!
And then blamed the kids for it!

He then found the blankie, hid it and guilted
the kids into doing all the work around here.


That is genius!

- No, no, no!
- Yes, it is!

- It's evil. It's only genius if I get a piece!
- You heard the girl. It's genius!

- A casserole and a car wash!
- Out!

- A sandwich and a backrub!
- Out!

- A cracker and a back scratch? A pleasant smile?
- Out!

Wait, wait, wait, Jim. Be reasonable.

I think Andy deserves a pleasant smile.

- Right, the babies are asleep.
- Oh, great, great. You didn't forget the blankie, did you?

Cause if the kids find it, we're screwed.

A mummy don't make mistakes like that!

- You know, Jonathan spit up on that earlier.
- That's alright, he spit up in here too.

They're coming, get the blankie, get the blankie!
Hide it, get in bed, get in bed!

Here you go!

- Thank you.
- Thanks kids, but for the record:

12.15 means 12.15.

You know what is better than breakfast in bed?
Lunch in bed.

- I wonder if there's anything better than lunch in bed?
- Perhaps we find out at 6 o'clock?

- Are you guys ever going to get up?
- I don't know honey, we're really tired.

Took us a long time to get your
brother to sleep last night.

You know,
without his blankie.

Remember kids, how
you lost his blankie?

- Well, they are sleeping now!
- Sometimes they fall asleep from fatigue and sibling neglect.

Sorry! But I'm defrosting some short ribs for dinner.

Great. Oh, and listen. There's a funny noise
in daddy's car. Can you check under the hood for me?

To fewer kids and more servants.

Oh, look at you working so hard.
What is this, an orphanage?

What a shame. Especially when
it's completely unnecessary.

If you got a point,
get to it, fatty!

We've got windows to do.

Look, I've some information you're gonna want.
To get it, I need a little light shoveling -

- and a pilot light relit in a poorly ventilated
closet that may or may not have spiders.


You never lost the blankie! Your dad
had it in his pocket the whole time!

Oh my gosh, our
parents are jerks!

I never liked them.

- What do we do?
- Lucky for you you've got an uncle with a spectacular plan!

- What is it?
- We can talk while you clear an opossum's nest out of my chimney.

Cheryl, the twins are gonna be up in a
minute, where's the blankie?

It's under your pillow.

- No, not here.
- That's where I put it.

Well, it's not there now.

Check your bra.

- It's not there.
- Let me check!

- Find it!
- It's not here!

Looking for something?

No, we're just...
making the bed.

Which is really a job for the kids. Hop to it!

I don't think so.
Those days are over.

- What are you talking about?
- Maybe this picture will explain.

It's the blankie!

With today's newspaper!

Get yourselves cleaned up and come downstairs.
We'll talk business while you cook short ribs.

Andy's right.
Get the belt!

What kind of parents lie to their children and
blackmail them into doing all the house work?

It was her idea.
I love you all!

Me? I was just getting a massage and a sea weed wrap.
Hey, who wants to have the next birthday party at the spa?

Me, me me!

- Kyle!
- Hey, if you fell off the roof you'd want a massage too!

Let's cut to the chase. What do you guys want for
the blankie? I'm sure we can work something out!

- We start with no more cooking!
- Or cleaning or laundry.

And I really want that spa birthday!

- Deal, deal, where's the blankie?
- Wait, wait, no deal yet. You can't negotiate without seeing the blankie!

- Jim, get serious!
- I am serious too!

If we give in to this right now,
it's gonna open up a panda's box.

They're gonna want TV:s, days
off from school and vaccinations!

I wanna see the blankie.
I wanna see the blankie now!

OK, OK, everybody, be cool!

Give them what they want,
or I'll do this blankie right now!

- That voice is familiar.
- Yeah...

And so is that double chin.

What can I do you for?

- Andy! It this you?
- You called me, you know who it is!


He probably got that blankie
across the street right now!

You think you're so smart,
I'm not across the street!


- OK, OK, OK!
- What, what, what?

We can still keep the blankie for ourselves,
as long as the kids and Cheryl don't find out.

- I like where you're going.
- Yeah, yeah.

The kids, they're idiots
Cheryl's gonna be the tough one to fool.

Oh please. I act dumb but she's the slow one.

- We can see you!
- Dammit!

- Alright, I know we may have taken things a little too far.
- Well, I wanted to tone it down but your mother kept rambling.

Anyway, the truth is that we're now a family of seven.
And the only way we can survive -

- is by all pitching in together.
- That's right, and, well -

maybe it wasn't right for us to trick you
into doing things, mummy's sneaky plan.

- But I admit, you guys really made a difference around here!
- I felt good to help out.

- Sure it did, you didn't had to clean out the diaper pail.
- And you didn't had to be bit by an opossum!

Look, the point is, we are a family
and we stick together!

- Now daddy and I are gonna spend the day relaxing.
- What, no fair!

- Calm down, I've got you some help.

Your stupid johnnycakes are ready!

- Awesome!
- Seriously, we're gonna get our own service?

Yes, get the belt!

Here, take mine!