According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 6 - Ruby's First Date - full transcript

Jim still struggles with household duties while Cheryl is out of town, but has real problems when Ruby asks to go shopping for a training bra. Jim asks Dana to be the temporary mom for shopping. Turns out, Ruby is getting ready fo...

OKAY, YOU RATS.

I KNOW YOU GUYS
MISS YOUR MOM,

BUT I FIGURED OUT A WAY
TO HAVE HER WITH US

WHILE SHE'S IN FLORIDA TAKING CARE OF GRANDMA.
IT'S GONNA BE JUST LIKE HAVING HER HERE.

Hey! Hi, guys.

HI, MOMMY.
HI, MOMMY.

MOMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ON DADDY'S NAKED LADY MACHINE?

GREAT IDEA, ANDY.

♪♪♪

COME ON DOWN HERE, KIDS.

I GOT ALL THE CLOTHES.
THEY'RE ALL DONE.



WOW.
CHERYL'S BEEN GONE A MONTH,

AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY
MAKING THINGS WORK.

I'M REALLY IMPRESSED. WELL, WHEN
YOU HAVE A SYSTEM, IT'S VERY EASY.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

SEE THAT?

I PIN THEIR OUTFITS TOGETHER
BEFORE I WASH 'EM.

THAT WAY I CAN TELL
WHOSE IS WHOSE.

MM.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

ALL RIGHT, YOUNG LADY.
THIS IS YOURS.

GREAT. MY RED SWEATPANTS
AND MY WHITE T-SHIRT.

DADDY'S LEARNING.

NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

THIS IS FOR
MY SLEEPY FOOTBALL STAR.



WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY UNICORN P.J.s?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE LAUNDRY FAIRY

TOOK 'EM OUT
TO LIVE ON A FARM.

SHE TAKES EVERYTHING
THAT MAKES ME FEEL MAGICAL.

I CAN'T TELL
IF YOU'RE STUPIDLY CLEVER

OR CLEVERLY DUMB.

HOW ABOUT
MAGICALLY DELICIOUS?

ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR.
HERE YOU GO. PERFECT.

THOSE ARE KYLE'S UNDERPANTS.

THEY'RE GIRLIE ENOUGH FOR YOU.
COME ON. PUT 'EM ON.

DADDY?
YES.

REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID
WHEN MOM'S AWAY

I CAN BRING ALL MY PROBLEMS
TO YOU? YES. YES. YES.

I'VE GOT A MOMMY PROBLEM.

OH, GREAT. HERE,
LET ME PUT MY MOMMY HAT ON.

ATTITUDE.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. (sighs)

I NEED TO GET
MY EYEBROWS WAXED.

ALL MY FRIENDS
ARE GETTING IT DONE.

LOOK AT MINE.
THEY'RE HIDEOUS.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET THEM WAXED,

NOT WHEN THEY'RE JUST
STARTING TO GROW TOGETHER.

ANYTHING ELSE?

YES. I NEED YOU
TO BUY ME A TRAINING BRA.

(inhales sharply)

(gasps)

DADDY, ARE YOU OKAY?

LET'S TALK
ABOUT YOUR EYEBROWS.

AND A BRA.

(gasps) DANA! DANA!

WHAT? WHAT IS IT? WHAT?
DANA, DANA, GET IN HERE.

FROM NOW ON, I HEREBY
GIVE YOU MOMMY POWERS

FOR THINGS LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

HE'S FREAKING OUT
BECAUSE I TOLD HIM

I NEEDED A TRAI...
NO! BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA!

DANA, TAKE MY CREDIT CARD,
ALL RIGHT? BUY IT FOR HER.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT

AND I DON'T WANT
TO FIND IT IN THE LAUNDRY.

OKAY, WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

YOUR MOM AND I BOUGHT YOU
A BRA LAST MONTH.

I KNOW, BUT IT'S NO FUN
GOING TO THE MALL WITH DADDY.

I KNEW THE WORDS "TRAINING BRA"
WOULD FREAK HIM OUT,

AND NOW I GET
TO GO WITH YOU.

IT'S LIKE I'M LOOKING
IN A MIRROR...

EXCEPT FOR
THAT HIDEOUS EYEBROW.

AUNT DANA, CAN I TALK TO
YOU ABOUT SOMETHING? SURE.

THERE'S THIS BOY AT SCHOOL NAMED
SAMMY. OH, I DATED A SAMMY ONCE.

WELL, NOT REALLY DATED.

IT WAS MORE LIKE A LOT
OF ONE-NIGHT...

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR SAMMY.

HE PASSED ME A NOTE,
AND HE WANTS TO GO OUT SOMETIME.

OH, RUBY! GOOD FOR YOU.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM?

HIS NAME'S SAMMY,
AND HE PASSED ME A NOTE.

WELL, HE SOUNDS
LIKE QUITE A CATCH.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, IF...
IF YOU WANT TO GO,

AS LONG AS
IT'S IN A PUBLIC PLACE,

SOMEWHERE LIKE HERE,
AUNT MOMMY SAYS, "YES."

AWESOME. I'LL CALL HIM RIGHT NOW.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU WAIT TWO DAYS,

THEN YOU PASS HIM
A NOTE SAYING

YOU JUST GOT OUT
OF A MAJOR RELATIONSHIP,

AND YOU'RE TAKING THINGS SLOW. HOW
OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED?

32.
I'M CALLING.

WELL, YOU MISSED
A DELIGHTFUL TRIP TO THE MALL.

AND THANK YOU
VERY MUCH FOR THAT.

MM-HMM.

SO DID YOU GET THE, UM...

YES, SHE TRIED IT ON.

IT'S A LITTLE BIG, BUT SHE'S GONNA
GROW. BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA!

JUST GIVE ME
THE CREDIT CARD.

UH, WE HAD
THE BEST TIME.

LOTS OF GIRL TALK.

OH, AND GUESS WHAT?

OUR LITTLE RUBY IS GOING
ON HER FIRST DATE.

ARE YOU OKAY?

SO TELL ME
ABOUT THE TRAINING BRA.

NO! RUBY IS NOT GOING ON A DATE.
SHE'S A LITTLE GIRL!

RUBY'S DATING? I'M NOT
EVEN DATING. WHAT THE CRAP?

NO! NOBODY IS DATING.

JIM,
SHE'S IN THE SIXTH GRADE.

SHE'S READY FOR THIS.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I KNEW A GIRL IN THE SIXTH GRADE
WHO WAS READY FOR THIS,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I WENT TO
HER KID'S FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY

IN THE EIGHTH GRADE.
JIM, THAT'S NOT RUBY.

THEY'RE GONNA GO TO THE MALL AND MAYBE
HOLD HANDS. I KNEW A GIRL WHO WAS READY

TO HOLD HANDS
IN THE SIXTH GRADE,

AND HER GRANDKIDS WENT
TO HER HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION!

WAIT, WAIT. SOMETHING DOESN'T
SOUND RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU
INTRODUCED ME TO THIS GIRL?

BECAUSE SHE'S
A GREAT-GRANDMOTHER NOW!

AND?

YEAH.

TELL ME ABOUT THIS GUY,
'CAUSE I WANNA KILL HIM.

HE'S NOT A GUY.
HE'S A BOY.

HE'S A LITTLE BOY NAMED SAMMY.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SAMMY?

I'M SURE HE'S 6 INCHES
SHORTER THAN RUBY

WITH PIMPLES
AND A SQUEAKY VOICE.

AW, AND THIS KID'S
GETTING ACTION? DAMN IT!

NOBODY'S GETTING ANY ACTION,

BECAUSE SHE'S NOT DATING
THIS KID.

SHE'S NOT GOING ON A DATE.
SHE'S TOO YOUNG.

I'M SURE IT'S HARMLESS. DON'T
YOU REMEMBER MIDDLE SCHOOL?

YOU WERE THERE
FOR FIVE YEARS.

NO. WE'RE GONNA PUT
AN END TO THIS RIGHT NOW.

ANDY, DO YOUR VOODOO THING
AND... AND, UH, AND SUMMON CHERYL.

IT'S A VIDEO CHAT, JIM.
IT'S NOT BLACK MAGIC.

SUMMON HER!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE GONNA GET THE RIGHT ANSWER
FROM THE REAL MOMMY...

THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN,
MY WIFE,

THE WISEST WOMAN
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

Hey, guys.

HI, CHERYL.

LISTEN, UM, RUBY GOT
ASKED OUT ON HER FIRST DATE,

AND DANA SAID SHE COULD GO.

(gasps) A date?
I'm so happy for her...

FORGET IT.

I KNEW IT!

FROM NOW ON, THERE'S ONLY
ONE MOMMY IN THIS HOUSE,

AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM!

OH, JIM,
IT'S AGE-APPROPRIATE.

SHE'S RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

SCHEDULE FOR WHAT,
WORKING THE POLE AT CLEAVAGES?

NOT HAPPENING.

(computer chimes)
WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

OH, IT'S THE COMPUTER.
IT'S CHERYL.

Hey, what happened?
Everything went dark.

I DON'T KNOW, HONEY.
MAYBE ASTEROIDS.

What's going on
with Ruby's date?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.
SHE'S NOT GOING ON A DATE.

ALL RIGHT? SHE JUST
HER FIRST TRAINING BRA.

I DON'T WANT
SOME SLEAZY GUY NAMED SAMMY

TRYING TO TAKE IT
OFF HER.

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

Wait.
W-W-W-Was that Ruby?

Did she hear you?

I DON'T THINK SO.

EVERYTHING SEEMS FINE.

ASTEROID!

ANY LUCK?

RUBY STILL LOCKED UP
IN HER BEDROOM?

YEAH. I'M GONNA GO TO THE GARAGE TO
GET A CROWBAR. WAIT, WAIT. JIM, JIM, JIM.

COME HERE. NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU GOTTA SIT DOWN.

I WANT YOU TO HEAR THIS.
OH, DANA.

NO, LISTEN TO ME FOR A
SECOND, OKAY? (groans)

LOOK, MY DAD
WAS A REAL HARD-ASS.

HE WOULDN'T LET ME
OR CHERYL WEAR MAKEUP

OR TALK ON THE PHONE
OR EVEN THINK ABOUT BOYS.

HE WAS LIKE A PRISON
WARDEN. A BRILLIANT MAN!

NO, IT JUST
MADE US REBELLIOUS.

REBELLIOUS?
YOU TWO WERE THE TOWN SKANKS.

HEY!

IT WASN'T THAT BAD.

YOU AND CHERYL WENT THROUGH
HALF THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

HEY, CHERYL IS MY WIFE.
NOW YOU BACK OFF.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. CHERYL
PREFERRED THE BASKETBALL TEAM.

WHAT?!

YEAH, AND POOR OLD DAD
WOULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT

ON THAT SOFA
WITH ME AND HIS GIN

WONDERING WHERE IT ALL
WENT SOUR.

(deep voice) "WAS IT ME, ANDY?
DID I RAISE 'EM WRONG?"

"NO, POP.
YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD.

REFILL YOUR COCKTAIL?"

MY POINT IS,
IF YOU LOCK HER UP,

YOU'RE JUST GONNA
TURN HER INTO ME.

ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TALK TO HER.

(Dana) GOOD.

(thud)

(gasps)
THAT WAS THE FRIDGE.

DO YOU THINK IT'S RUBY?

I DON'T KNOW.
GRACIE'S AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE,

AND KYLE ALWAYS SAYS,

"OPEN SESAME,
MAGIC COLD BOX."

YOU MADE DAD DRINKS?

SURE.

(deep voice)
"AND DON'T POUR THAT GIN

LIKE YOU BOUGHT IT,
'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T!"

"I KNOW I DIDN'T.
I'M JUST A KID."

(cries) I WAS JUST A KID!

HEY.

I REALLY WANT TO BE ALONE.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
ME, TOO.

MAYBE THAT'S SOMETHING
WE CAN DO TOGETHER.

WHY ARE YOU MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS?

HONEY, IT IS A BIG DEAL.
IT'S A REALLY BIG DEAL.

IT'S A TURNING POINT
IN A FATHER'S LIFE

SEEING HIS LITTLE GIRL
GROW UP.

AND THAT'S MY PROBLEM HOW?
(sighs)

LOOK...

IT'S MY JOB
TO PROTECT YOU.

FROM WHAT?
WE'RE GONNA EAT FROZEN YOGURT.

I'LL ORDER LOW FAT.

WELL, WITH THAT ATTITUDE,

MAYBE I'LL GO
ON THE DATE WITH YA.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DO YOU THINK'S
GONNA HAPPEN ON THIS DATE?

WELL...
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I-I'VE ALREADY GOT
A HEADACHE.

I DON'T WANT
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

IT'S LIKE YOU THINK
I'M BAD OR SOMETHING.

NO, I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE BAD, SWEETHEART.

IT'S THE BOYS.
THEY'RE ROTTEN.

YOU'RE A BOY.
I'M THE ONLY GOOD ONE.

DO YOU THINK YOU AND MOMMY
DID A GOOD JOB RAISING ME?

OF COURSE WE DID.

WELL, THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY TAUGHT
ME RIGHT FROM WRONG... TRUE.

AND YOU SHOULD TRUST ME TO DO THE RIGHT THING...
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OR YOU'RE A BAD FATHER.
TAKE YOUR PICK.

MAN, YOU'RE GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

(sighs)

I TRUST YOU.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU REALLY THINK
MOMMY AND I

DID A GOOD JOB
RAISING YOU?

YEP. GRACIE, TOO.

KYLE?

LET'S NOT SPOIL THE MOMENT.

So what are you gonna do when Sammy gets here?
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HIM...

OUT IN THE GARAGE...
NOTHING SCARY.

I JUST WANT HIM TO SEE

THAT I HAVE A SAW
THAT CAN CUT THROUGH BONE.

(singsong voice)
OKAY, HERE SHE IS.

HI, DADDY.

LOOK AT YOU.
YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.

Wait, turn me around.
I can't see.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL,
LIKE A LITTLE ANGEL.

Oh, for God sake!
Would somebody turn me around?!

(gasps) Oh, oh,
look at my little girl,

all grown up... (gasps)

and you're wearing your training
bra. BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA!

(doorbell rings)

OH, MY GOD!
THAT'S SAMMY.

(chuckles)

ALL RIGHT, JIM.
NOW JUST REMEMBER,

THIS IS PROBABLY THE LITTLE
GUY'S FIRST DATE, TOO,

SO TRY NOT TO SCARE HIM.

WHAT NOW?

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

DID YOU SEE THAT GUY?

NOW I DON'T FEEL SO BAD

THAT HE'S GETTING DATES
AND I'M NOT.

CAN I GET YOU
ANOTHER BEER, JIM?

OR MAYBE
A GIN AND TONIC?

HEY, RUBY.
HOW YOU DOIN'?

I'M GOOD.
LET ME GET MY COAT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO
THAT PIMPLY FACED RUNT, DANA?

YOU SAID HE WAS A KID.

WHAT DO I KNOW, JIM?
I'M JUST THE TOWN FLOOZY.

SORRY I'M LATE.

BASKETBALL PRACTICE
WENT LONG.

BASKETBALL...

LIKE MOTHER,
LIKE DAUGHTER.

OKAY, SEE YA.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

YOU TWO HAVE FUN.

(Dana whispers)
JIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(raises voice)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU LET HER GO?!
SAY SOMETHING!

I LOOKED HER
RIGHT IN THE EYE,

AND I TOLD HER
I TRUSTED HER.

OH, MAN.

AT LEAST WHEN CHERYL
AND DANA SKANKED OUT,

THEY WENT
THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

THEY'RE WALKING AWAY.

I'M NOT A PRISON WARDEN, DANA.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.

SO WE'RE GONNA FOLLOW 'EM TO THE
YOGURT STORE? ABSOLUTELY. GRAB THE KEYS.

(Cheryl) Hey, guys,
what's going on?

Come get me!

(speaking inaudibly)

SEEMS LIKE
EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

HOW CAN YOU TELL?

I CAN'T HEAR A WORD
THEY'RE SAYING.

Hold me up. Hold me up.
I can't see.

I know that kid.
He's a seventh grader.

I think he hit on me once.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHO ARE THOSE HOOLIGANS?

THEY GOT CIGARETTES.

JIM, THOSE ARE STRAWS.

GOOD LORD,
THEY'RE HOOKED ON STRAWS.

YEAH, WELL,
NOT ON MY WATCH.

I'M GOING IN.

Hey, Jim. You promised
you wouldn't embarrass her.

DON'T WORRY.

SHE'S NOT GONNA EVEN
KNOW I'M THERE.

ANDY, COME HERE.

HERE.
HOLD CHERYL'S HEAD.

HEY, BUDDY.

HEY, WANT A COUPON?

NO, NO, NO. I THINK
IT'S BREAK TIME FOR YOU.

BREAK TIME? I WISH.

OH. AAH.

AAH!

SO HOW DO I LOOK?

FANTASTIC. HEY, SEE IF
YOU CAN GET SOME COUPONS

OR THE HOLE PUNCH
FOR THE FREQUENT BUYER CARD.

OH, COME ON, ANDY.

Hey, Jim.
You're a penguin.

You gotta waddle.

YEAH, MORE THAN USUAL.

SO THE OTHER DAY MY DAD
WAS TOTALLY ON MY CASE.

I SAID,
"BACK OFF, WALTER,"

AND HE DID.

AWESOME.

WHAT'S YOUR DAD LIKE?

ACTUALLY,
HE'S PRETTY COOL.

WHAT'S UP, PENGUIN DUDE?

HEY, STOP THAT.

(laughs)

HEY, SERIOUSLY,
GET OFF ME.

(laughs nervously)

HEY, YOU GUYS WANNA BAIL?

MY FOLKS ARE TOTALLY NOT HOME,
AND WE CAN HANG OUT.

TIGHT. WE'RE IN.

I HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.

GET ME OUT OF THIS THING.
GET ME OUT OF THIS THING.

I CAN'T BREAK THAT KID'S NECK
WITH THESE FLIPPERS.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

OH, THAT OTHER CREEP WANTS TO GO
OVER TO HIS HOUSE TO HANG OUT.

PROBABLY THE GUY
WHO BROUGHT THE STRAWS.

WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
GET ME OUT OF THIS THING.

I'M TRYING. HEY, DID YOU GET THE
COUPONS? WHAT COUPONS?! NO!

(ringtone playing)

THAT'S MY CELL PHONE.
THAT'S RUBY'S TONE.

DANA, IT'S IN MY FRONT POCKET
RIGHT HERE. GET IT.

NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
COME ON, DANA.

ANDY, COME ON. YOUR TURN.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.

TH-THERE'S A VENT RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT... RIGHT BELOW MY WAIST.

RIGHT HERE. COME ON.

YOU CALL THAT A VENT. WE BOTH
KNOW IT'S A PEE HOLE. GET IT! COME ON.

YOU HEARD HIM ASK,
FOLKS.

HURRY UP,
BEFORE SHE SEES US.

ANDY, GET IT. (gasps)
COUPONS? YOU SON OF A...

GET MY PHONE!
THE PHONE!

GIVE ME A BREAK.

GUYS, GUYS, OW, OW!
WHAT ARE YOU PULLING ON?

IT'S TINY.
I SEE IT. I SEE IT.

COME ON.

(ringtone continues playing)

(calmly) HELLO?

OH, HI, RUBY.

SURE,
I CAN COME PICK YOU UP.

I'LL BE THERE
IN TEN MINUTES, HONEY.

Will somebody tell me
what's going on?

THAT WAS RUBY.

SHE WANTS ME TO COME
AND PICK HER UP.

SHE'S GONNA TELL SAMMY
THAT SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL,

AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO MEET HER
OUTSIDE IN THE MALL.

Oh, she is such a good girl.

YEAH, SHE REALLY IS.

YEAH, A GOOD GIRL
WHO'S COMING THIS WAY.

SCATTER!

(grunts)

(goofy voice)
WELL, HELLO, LITTLE GIRL.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE
TOO YOUNG TO DATE.

(grunts)

GET AWAY FROM ME,
YOU CREEP!

(groaning)

THAT'S MY GIRL!

ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT.

"GOOD NIGHT"?
WAIT, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

COME ON. DON'T YOU WANNA
TALK ABOUT TONIGHT? I'M DYING TO.

THAT'S WHY I'M GONNA GO
UPSTAIRS AND CALL MY FRIENDS.

COME HERE, COME HERE.
COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON, WISE GUY.
SIT DOWN.

NOW...

WHAT HAPPENED?

THERE WERE
SOME OLDER KIDS,

AND THEY WANTED TO GO
TO THIS GUY'S HOUSE

WHERE THERE ARE
NO PARENTS AROUND,

AND YOU'RE RIGHT.
ALL BOYS ARE CREEPS.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU WENT A LITTLE FAST THROUGH
MY FAVORITE PART. BOYS ARE CREEPS?

NO, NO, BACK FARTHER.

YOU WERE RIGHT?

AH.

SWEET VICTORY.

DON'T I GET ANY CREDIT
FOR REALIZING

IT WASN'T A GOOD SITUATION
AND GETTING MYSELF OUT OF THERE?

DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU
TRUST ME?

OH, BABY, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I'LL NEVER TRUST YOU,
NOT NOW OR EVER.

I MEAN,
UH, FACE IT, HONEY.

YOU'RE REALLY A GOOD KID.

BUT ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT,

IF YOU ORDER ROOM SERVICE,

BE SURE, I WILL BE
UNDER THE CART. DAD.

NO, NO, NO, AND ON
YOUR 20th ANNIVERSARY DINNER,

YOU LOOK UP,
AND YOU'LL SEE THE WAITER...

IT'LL BE YOUR OLD MAN IN
A FAKE MUSTACHE... BUT...

AND WHEN YOU ARE
ELECTED PRESIDENT,

THE FIRST NIGHT
IN THE WHITE HOUSE...

I GET IT.

SECRET SERVICE GUY. WIG.

THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY.

NOW... COME HERE.

COME HERE.

COME ON.
YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.

YOU MEAN
EVERYTHING TO ME,

AND YOU'RE A GOOD KID,

AND THAT'S WHY I WILL ALWAYS
BE LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

(cell phone rings)

OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD! IT'S BEN.

BEN WHO?

HE'S THE ONE I REALLY LIKE.

I WAS ONLY GOING OUT WITH SAMMY
TO MAKE BEN JEALOUS.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
ALL BOYS WERE CREEPS?

BEN'S DIFFERENT.
I CAN CHANGE HIM.

(beep)

HI, BEN.
HOLD ON A SECOND.

DAD, WHAT YOU SAID TONIGHT
REALLY MADE A LOT OF SENSE.

I'M REALLY LUCKY
TO HAVE YOU AS A DAD,

AND I'VE LEARNED
A LOT TONIGHT,

SO...

GO.

YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU'RE REALLY GOOD.

OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO HAPPY YOU CALLED.

GO!

I WAS AT THE MALL,

AND THIS WEIRD PENGUIN...

HE WAS BEING REALLY WEIRD.

SO IS YOUR BAND GOING
TO PLAY A SHOW?

WHY IS KIPPY YOUR MANAGER?
ALL HE DOES IS EAT YOUR SNACKS.