According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Perfect Fight - full transcript

Jim and Cheryl start an argument about dessert on their romantic evening together, and in the morning, they just decide to let it go. Andy finds out and decides to stir up the argument between them.

OH, CHERYL...

OH!

I LOVE SKIPPING DINNER
AND GOING RIGHT TO DESSERT.

SARAH'S PASTRIES AND CHOCOLATE
FROM OAK STREET.

"SHE'S NOT JUST A BAKER.
SHE'S A FRIEND."

OH, COME ON, HONEY.
GIVE ME MY SURPRISE.

SAY YOU LOVE ME.

(sighs) I LOVE YOU.

SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT.

I LOVE YOU.

SAY IT SEXY.



(whispers) I LOVE YOU.

SAY IT LIKE SCOOBY.

RAH-RUV-ROO.

SAY IT SEXY SCOOBY.

GIVE ME MY DESSERT!

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

WHOO-HOO-HOO. FEISTY GIRL.
WELL, FOR MY YOUNG BRIDE,

I GOT YOU YOUR FAVORITE--
CARROT CAKE.

(gasps) HONEY,
THAT IS SO SWEET.

I LOVE THAT YOU GOT ME

EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD
HAVE PICKED FOR MYSELF.

I GOT CHERRY PIE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOT THE PRETTIEST GAL
AT THE DANCE,

BUT SHE KNOWS
HOW TO PLEASE HER MAN.



OH. (sighs)

"OH"? I KNOW THAT "OH."

SOMETHING WRONG?

NO, IT'S JUST...

I DON'T LIKE CHERRY PIE.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY
I GOT YOU CARROT CAKE.

WELL, YEAH,
BUT I-I-I THOUGHT

THE WHOLE POINT OF DESSERT
ON A ROMANTIC NIGHT

WAS... SHARING.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW YOU SO WELL,

I THOUGHT
YOU'D THINK THAT.

SO YOU GOT CHERRY PIE,

EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW
I DON'T LIKE IT?

YEAH, THAT WAY, I CAN
HAVE THE WHOLE PIECE.

BUT I'M WILLING TO SHARE
MY CARROT CAKE WITH YOU.

WELL, THANK YOU.
DON'T MIND IF I DO.

MMM, CHERYL, LOOK.

FROSTING CARROT,

MY FAVORITE VEGETABLE.

LOOK, I'M BUGS BUNNY.

(makes gobbling sounds)

I JUST...

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'D BE THAT SELFISH.

CHERYL,
I'M NOT BEING SELFISH.

WE ARE SHARING DESSERT.

HERE, HAVE AS MUCH
OF MY CHERRY PIE AS YOU'D LIKE.

(cackles)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I WOULD
LIKE A BITE OF PIE.

FINE.

HELP YOURSELF.

MMM.

(chuckles)

CHERYL,
WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PIE?!

OH, HONEY,
I DIDN'T WASTE IT.

THAT WAS
THE MOST SATISFYING BITE

OF CHERRY PIE
I'VE EVER HAD.

(cackles)

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

SINCE WE'RE SHARING,
I THINK I'D LIKE

TO HAVE ANOTHER PIECE
OF CARROT CAKE.

I THINK I'D LIKE
ANOTHER BITE OF PIE.

(cackles)
THAT WENT DOWN EASY.

MAMA WANTS TO PLAY!

(gasps)

3 POINTS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU DID IT FIRST.

YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!

ALWAYS DO WHAT?!

THINK ABOUT YOURSELF!

OH, COME ON, CHERYL.
I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

WHEN I PAY THE MORTGAGE,
I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

BECAUSE I GAVE YOU
THREE CHILDREN,

I'M THINKING ABOUT MYSELF.

OH, MYSELF,
MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT!

(stammers) WAIT!

JERK!

NUTCASE!

AAH!

CREEP!

OH, WOMAN!

ALL RIGHT!

THAT'S IT!

DATE NIGHT IS OVER!

OH! GREAT!

BOOHOO.

DATE NIGHT IS OVER.

YOU WIN...

UNLESS, OF COURSE
WE HAD SEX BEFORE DINNER.

(cackles)

OH!

♪♪♪

HEY, HEY, HEY,
HOW DID IT GO AT UNCLE ANDY'S?

YOU CAME UP
WITH A GREAT PLAN, DADDY.

YEAH.

WE MADE HIM PAY.

HA HA HA. GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE DESERVES IT.

REALLY? HOW COME?

"HOW COME?"

WE--WE HAD A CHINESE MEAL
THE OTHER NIGHT, RIGHT?

AND HE TOOK BOTH
OF THE FORTUNE COOKIES.

WHAT KIND OF GUY DOES THAT?

I WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE

IN THE SAME ROOM
AS THESE ANIMALS.

COME ON, ANDY.
WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S WITH THE SUNGLASSES?

WELL, YOU KNOW, ANDY,
UH, IT'S NOT BAD.

YOU KNOW, GLASSES MAKE YOU
LOOK MORE INTELLIGENT.

OH, YEAH?

HOW DOES THIS
MAKE ME LOOK?

FIRST OF ALL,

WHAT WERE YOU DOING
WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT ON?

I DON'T KNOW, JIM.
THE WHOLE NIGHT'S A BLUR.

I-I THINK THEY DRUGGED ME.

COME ON.
LET ME GET YOU SOME COFFEE,

MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

I WOKE UP IN THE YARD,
AND IT WASN'T MY YARD.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. WOW.

THEY REALLY GOT YOU GOOD, TOO.
THEY DYED YOUR HAIR, HUH?

OH, NO, THAT'S SOMETHING
I DID. DO YOU LIKE IT?

COME ON. GET SOME COFFEE.

WHOA. WHAT THE HELL
WENT ON HERE?

IS THAT PIE?

CHERYL AND I HAD A FIGHT.

PIE WAS THROWN.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

LEAST I CAN DO
IS HELP YOU CLEAN UP.

AW, THANKS, MAN. THE MOP
IS RIGHT BY THE WASHING MACHINE.

NO NEED.

OOH, GOLD MINE.

ANDY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MMM.

SO YOU GUYS REALLY
HAD IT OUT, HUH?

I WISH WE HAD IT OUT.

WE THREW PIE
AND THEN WE WENT TO BED.

AND SHE'S HAD ALL NIGHT
TO STEW ABOUT IT?

WHEW! SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE
TALKING TODAY.

IT'S GONNA BE WORSE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
DISCUSSIONS.

WE'RE GONNA
EXPLORE OUR FEELINGS.

UGH.

AND WE MAY EVEN HAVE
A CONVERSATION.

I HATE THOSE.

UGH, THAT'S WHY
I'M NOT MARRIED.

THAT PLUS NO GIRL
MEASURES UP TO MOM.

YOU KNOW
WHAT'S EVEN WORSE?

AW, THAT THIS IS CHERRY?

NO. I'M NOT EVEN MAD.

THAT'S NOT GONNA STOP HER.

SHE'S GONNA TALK
AND TALK AND TALK

AND TALK AND...
HOW MANY WAS THAT?

FOUR.

AND TALK.

(Cheryl) JIM?

YES?

CAN WE TALK?

CRAP!

(laughing)

HEY!

GET YOUR OWN MOP.

OH.

HEY.

HEY.

(clears throat)

SLEEP WELL?

YEAH. YEAH.

KYLE'S RACECAR BED
IS PRETTY COMFORTABLE

ONCE YOU TILT THE WHEEL.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

YOU KNOW, NOT BAD.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I HAD
THE WHOLE BED TO MYSELF.

KINDA MISSED THE SMELL
OF YOUR HAIR,

SO I TOOK YOUR SHAMPOO AND PUT
IT ALL OVER YOUR PILLOW.

DID WE REALLY THROW CAKE
AND PIE AT EACH OTHER?

WELL,
I'D LIKE TO SAY NO,

BUT THE WALLS
TELL A DIFFERENT STORY.

(sighs)

YOU KNOW, IT IS SO WEIRD.

I CANNOT REMEMBER
WHAT I WAS UPSET ABOUT.

I MEAN, IT'S--
IT'S SO SILLY.

SO YOU'RE NOT MAD?

NO.

WELL, I'M NOT MAD, EITHER.

WHY IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT A LOT.

MAYBE WE'RE ON
TO SOMETHIN'.

HEY, YOU KNOW, MAYBE...

MAYBE WE JUST JUMPED A NOTCH
ON THE EVOLUTIONARY SCALE.

OH.

WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS.

RIGHT.

WE JUST SOLVE THEM...

BY HUCKING PIE.

I GUESS
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

SO YOU'RE GOOD?

YEAH.

AW.

MMM.

HEY, WANNA GO UPSTAIRS?

YES.

BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO WORK AROUND THE SHAMPOO...

AND MASCARA.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I-I THINK HERE IS GOOD.

OH, YOU ARE THE COOLEST.

(Ruby) MOM, TELL KYLE
TO STOP LOOKING AT ME!

(Kyle) I'M NOT
LOOKING AT YOU.

YES, YOU ARE.

NO, I'M NOT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO GET ANDY
TO TAKE THE KIDS AWAY...

YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME
RIGHT NOW.

NO, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

AND I'LL MEET YOU UPSTAIRS
IN FIVE MINUTES.

OKAY.

MOM!

ANDY. ANDY.

ANDY, COME ON. GET UP. GET UP.

OH, WOW, I MUST
HAVE BLACKED OUT AGAIN.

WHAT--WHAT DID
THOSE KIDS DO TO ME?

ANDY. ANDY,
ABOUT THE KIDS, UH...

YOU GOTTA TAKE THEM
BACK TO YOUR HOUSE.

YOU GOT TO GET 'EM
OUT OF HERE.

WHAT? NO WAY!
THEY'RE MONSTERS.

IS THERE A DART
IN MY NECK?

ANDY.

ANDY. ANDY, LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME.

YOU GOTTA TAKE
THESE KIDS OUTTA HERE.

CHERYL AND I WANT
TO BE ALONE.

NO, NO, I THOUGHT YOU
AND CHERYL WERE FIGHTING.

I THOUGHT SO, TOO,
BUT WE'RE NOT.

SHE'S NOT MAD ANYMORE.

THAT WAS
A QUICK CONVERSATION.

BETTER YET,
THERE WAS NO CONVERSATION.

WE JUST MADE UP.
SO--SO COME ON.

TAKE THE KIDS BECAUSE I WANNA
MAKE LOVE ON YOUR SISTER.

LET'S GO.

HI, KIDS...

BYE, KIDS!

ALL RIGHT, YOU PUKES.

LET'S GET SOMETHIN'
STRAIGHT RIGHT NOW.

I DON'T LIKE YOU,
AND I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

AGREED.

IF I WAKE UP
FROM MY NAP AGAIN

WITH BURNT TOAST
IN MY PANTS,

THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.

DADDY SAID THE TOAST
WOULD BE FUNNY.

YOU MEAN WHEN
WE TOLD DADDY WE DID IT,

HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY
BECAUSE IT HAD ALREADY HAPPENED.

WITHOUT HIS INVOLVEMENT.

YEAH, WHAT SHE SAID.

OH... WELL...

I'M GLAD TO KNOW THAT
YOUR DAD WASN'T INVOLVED.

NOW I DON'T HAVE TO SPEND
THE REST OF MY DAYS

CRAFTING A DIABOLICAL SCHEME
TO GET REVENGE

ON THAT FATHEADED JERK!

I THINK HE BOUGHT IT.

HEY, CHERYL,
ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH.
WHY WOULDN'T I BE?

I JUST HEARD THAT YOU AND JIM
HAD A GIGANTIC BLOWOUT.

OH. WAS THAT BEFORE
OR AFTER YOU MADE A POOPIE?

HA HA!

HILARIOUS.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

ANDY, THERE'S NO ONE
TO SIDE WITH.

JIM AND I
AREN'T FIGHTING.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH.

HOW'D YOU FIX IT?

UH, COMMUNICATE,
EXPLORE YOUR EMOTIONS,

MAYBE DO SOME ROLE-PLAYING WITH
THOSE REPRESENTATIONAL DOLLS?

NO, NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S,
UM, IT'S KIND OF SILLY.

WE THREW DESSERT
AT EACH OTHER.

IT WAS REALLY CATHARTIC.

HUH. I AGREE.

IT IS KIND OF PATHETIC.

NO, NO,
I SAID "CATHARTIC."

MM, I'M PRETTY SURE
YOU SAID "PATHETIC."

LOOK, LOOK. HEY.
I'M NOT HERE TO CAUSE TROUBLE.

I'M SURE YOU GUYS FIGURED OUT
WHAT THE FIGHT WAS ABOUT,

GOT TO THE ROOT
OF THE PROBLEM,

HE MADE LOVE ON YOU.
IT'S FINE.

LOOK, ANDY,
JIM AND I TALKED

ABOUT NOT TALKING
ABOUT IT,

AND WE'RE GOOD,
SO LET IT GO.

"LET IT GO"?

NO PROBLEM. I'LL...

OKAY.

I'LL LET IT GO.

OKAY.

IF ONLY I KNEW WHAT "IT" WAS.

OH, WAIT.
YOU DON'T KNOW, EITHER.

WELL, YOU HAVE MY NUMBER
IF YOU NEED TO TALK.

OH, I FORGOT.
YOU DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

(laughs quietly)

(humming)

♪ BOP, BOP ♪

WELL, HELLO, THE COOLEST CHICK
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

HEY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I'VE BEEN THINKING...

OH, NO.

ABOUT OUR FIGHT.

UGH! CHERYL, COME ON!
WE THREW PIE AT EACH OTHER.

IT IS OVER. DONE.
FLAT. GONE.

NO, NO, HONEY,
I REALLY THINK WE NEED

TO TALK ABOUT OUR FIGHT
SO WE CAN LEARN FROM IT.

THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

COME ON. A GOOD MARRIAGE
IS BASED ON INTIMACY,

AND THAT MEANS KNOWING
WHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN US.

CHERYL, YOU'RE MISSING
THE BEAUTY OF THIS.

WE DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.
WE'VE EARNED THE RIGHT

TO BE IGNORANT.
LET'S SAVOR IT!

JIM,
YOU THROWING PIE AT ME

IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE
FOR COMMUNICATION.

YOU'RE RIGHT...

EXCEPT YOU THREW A PIE
BACK AT ME,

WHICH MAKES IT...
COMMUNICATION.

IT'S LIKE
THE CHINESE SAY--

THERE'S TWO SIDES
TO EVERYTHING.

THERE'S THE CHEECH
AND THE CHONG.

I CHEECHED. YOU CHONGED.

WELL, I'M STILL UPSET,

AND I WANNA TALK.

(sighs deeply)

(sighs deeply)

(sighs deeply)

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN DO THAT
AS LONG AS YOU WANT,

BUT I'M NOT MOVING
TILL WORDS START COMING OUT.

(inhales sharply)

IS "CRAP" A WORD?

(sighs)

FINE.

FINE, FINE, FINE.

I CAN DO IT.

YOU WANNA TALK?

LET'S TALK.

OKAY. I GOT MAD
BECAUSE IT SEEMED

LIKE YOU WENT
OUT OF YOUR WAY

TO NOT SHARE WITH ME.

CHERYL...

I DO THAT ALL THE TIME,

BUT IT DOESN'T END UP

WITH US THROWING PIES
AT EACH OTHER.

THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE IT STARTED
A FEW DAYS AGO

WHEN YOU FORGOT
TO PUT GAS IN THE CAR.

BUT I DIDN'T WANT
THE GARAGE REORGANIZED.

NOW I CAN'T
FIND ANYTHING.

AND IF YOU EAT
WITH A SPOON

AND PUT THE SPOON
BACK IN THE JAR,

THEN PUT THE JAR
IN THE FRIDGE,

THEN BACTERIA GROWS
INTO A MONSTER

AND KILLS OUR FAMILY
IN THE NIGHT.

THAT'S WHY WE NEED
A GUN IN THE HOUSE.

AND WHEN WE WERE LITTLE,
DANA HAD A 5-SPEED,

AND I ONLY GOT A 3-SPEED.

(play chord)

(plays minor chord)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE
DON'T REALIZE IS,

THE TET OFFENSIVE

WAS ACTUALLY A DEFEAT
FOR THE NORTH VIETNAMESE.

SO IT LOOKED LIKE
WE WERE UPSET ABOUT DESSERT,

BUT I WAS REALLY STRESSED

ABOUT GRACIE'S PROBLEMS
WITH HER TEACHER,

AND YOU SNAPPED BECAUSE...

THE BEARS
LOST THE SUPER BOWL.

WOW!

I MEAN, WE WEREN'T
EVEN MAD AT EACH OTHER.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

WELL, I DON'T.

I-I WAS MUCH BETTER OFF

YESTERDAY AFTER
WE THREW THE PIES.

AND NOW
WE GOTTA SIT HERE

AND TALK FOR TWO HOURS,

AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
I-I'M STILL KINDA MAD ABOUT IT!

AND THE BEARS LOST
THE SUPER BOWL!

JIM, WAIT!

DO YOU WANNA
TALK ABOUT IT?

AND TO THINK...

I MADE LOVE ON YOU.

HEY.

HEY.

WHAT--WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
W-WHAT'S WITH ALL THE PIE?

WELL, I-I KNOW YOU'RE
UPSET ABOUT EARLIER,

AND I KNOW YOU LIKE TO SOLVE
OUR PROBLEMS WITH ACTIONS,

SO THROW AS MUCH PIE
AT ME AS YOU WANT.

SERIOUSLY?

YEP.
LET THE HEALING BEGIN.

REALLY?

OH, CHERYL.

I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER TO KISS YOU

OR TO BOUNCE THIS KEY LIME PIE
OFF YOUR HEAD.

YEAH, Y-YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,
I-I WAS KINDA HOPING

Y-YOU'D SEE IT
AS A SYMBOLIC GESTURE.

I REALLY DON'T.

BECAUSE--BECAUSE--

BECAUSE I THINK
YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE'RE LISTENING.

OKAY. AFTER 15 YEARS
OF MARRIAGE,

I THINK
IT'S FAIR TO ADMIT

THAT MANY OF
OUR FIGHTS HAVE BEEN

ABOUT
SILLY, STUPID STUFF

THAT REALLY
ISN'T WORTH REHASHING.

EXACTLY.

YEAH.

I MEAN, COME ON.

I MEAN, WHO CARES IF I DROP
THE TOWEL ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR,

OR--OR I DON'T PUT THE TOP
OF THE TOOTHPASTE BACK ON...

I DON'T KNOW.

OR I LEAVE KYLE
IN MILWAUKEE?

YOU DID WHAT?

SOUNDING A LOT
LIKE CONVERSATION.

WHOA, WHOA, OKAY.
OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.

SOMETIMES, W-WE WILL NEED
TO TALK THROUGH OUR FEELINGS,

BUT--BUT...

MOST OF THE TIME,

MAYBE WE DO
JUST NEED TO FIND

A-A UNIQUE WAY
TO SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS,

LIKE THROWING PIE

OR...

THAT TIME
WE HAD CRAZY MAKEUP SEX

AT THE CAR WASH.

I REMEMBER THAT.

THAT WAS HOT.

AND I HAD A COUPON,
SO IT WAS LIKE SCORING TWICE.

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, HONEY,
THE TRUTH IS

WE MAKE UP AFTER A FIGHT

'CAUSE WE REMEMBER HOW MUCH
WE LOVE EACH OTHER,

AND--AND THAT'S WHAT THESE PIES
ARE SUPPOSED TO REMIND YOU OF,

WHETHER YOU THROW THEM
OR NOT.

I DO LOVE YOU.

AND YOUR MINIVAN
DOES NEED A WASHING.

OR, YOU KNOW...

HERE'S GOOD.

YOU ARE
THE COOLEST CHICK EVER.

(laughing)

OH,
IS THIS A BAD TIME?

HAVING A CONVERSATION?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL JUST HELP MYSELF
TO SOME POT ROAST.

YOU TWO DIG IN AND EXPLORE.

NO, THAT'S OKAY, ANDY.
WE'RE DONE TALKING,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU WERE WRONG.

WE DID NOT NEED TO TALK
OR GET TO THE ROOT OF OUR FIGHT.

WHAT'S THIS?

UH, CHERYL...
(laughs nervously)

YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND AS THOUGH
WE HAD A PRIOR CONVERSATION,

WHICH I KNOW WE DIDN'T.

SO I'M JUST, UH,
GONNA GO AND MAKE

ME AND MY PAL JIM
A TASTY SNACK.

HEY!

ANDY.

JIM.

I HAD A FEELING
WE MIGHT DANCE TODAY.

WE'RE GONNA DANCE.

OH, WE'RE GONNA DANCE.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

NAH.
I WANT A PIECE OF PIE.

OHH! OHH!

AAH!

JIM, WAIT, WAIT.
LEAVE THE PECAN.

(door creaks)

(laughs)

AAH!

OH!

(laughs)

OOH. OH!

AAH!

JIM, JIM, JIM,
WAIT, WAIT!

(panting)

I THINK I MADE A POOPIE.

(both grunting)