According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 18 - The Devil Went Down to Oak Park - full transcript

Cheryl and Jim have twin boys. Jim cannot tell them apart. One night when taking care of the boys, Jim dreams the devil visits and says Jim has to give up one of the twins.

(crying)

(crying continues)

CHERYL, WAKE UP.

TIME TO PUNCH IN.

WHAT?

TWINS CRYING.

(sighs)

MAN SLEEPY.

WOMAN UP.

ANYBODY WITH
A C-SECTION INCISION

RAISE YOUR HAND.



(babies continue crying)

YEAH, NICE TRY.

GET YOUR TIME CARD.

(groans)

(crying continues)

(groans)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I KNEW I SHOULD'VE
STOOD MY GROUND

ON HAVING
THESE TWO NATURALLY.

BUT NO, SOMEONE WANTED
TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT.

(crying continues)

♪♪♪

WOW.

YOU'RE A GOOD SLEEPER,
AREN'T YOU, JONATHAN?



OR ARE YOU GORDON?

WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.

HEY, LISTEN,

WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE,
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.

YOUR MOTHER'S CHEST,
HOW'S IT LOOKIN' THESE DAYS?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THIS
IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER,

BUT I'M SO GLAD
THE TWO OF YOU ARE BOYS.

I BEEN OUTNUMBERED BY GIRLS
IN THIS FAMILY THREE TO ONE.

AND THE TWO OF YOU COMPLETED
AN IMPROBABLE COMEBACK.

(man) YOU MEAN
LIKE WHEN THE MARLINS

CAME BACK TO BEAT THE CUBS
IN 20-03?

WHAT THE HELL?

EXACTLY.

HEY. WHO ARE YOU?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

OH, GOD.

GUESS AGAIN.

PLEASE... ALLOW ME
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE
A MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE.

JUST TELL ME WHY THE HELL

THE DEVIL
IS IN MY LIVING ROOM.

WE MADE A DEAL...

JUNE 24, 1989.

YEAH, UH,
LET ME CONSULT MY DIARY

SO I KNOW WHAT THE HELL
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THAT WAS THE DAY
A YOUNG MULLET-HEADED LAD

DATING A WOMAN HE THOUGHT
WAS WAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE

SAID HE'D GIVE THE DEVIL
HIS FIFTH-BORN CHILD

IF THAT WOMAN
WOULD ONLY LOVE HIM.

I'M... TAKING... GORDON.

WELL... GOOD... LUCK.

THEY'RE IDENTICAL TWINS.

I CAN'T EVEN
TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

HA!

(inhales sharply)
OH, SO THAT'S GORDON.

DON'T WORRY.
HE'LL BE WELL TAKEN CARE OF.

RAISED BY A KINDLY FAMILY
ON A BUCOLIC FARM...

IN WISCONSIN.

(gasps)

AND HE WILL GROW UP

TO BE THE GREATEST
GREEN BAY PACKER

TO EVER LIVE.

(laughs)

NO!

NO!

NOT A WORD OF THIS
TO YOUR MOTHER.

OH, ANDY.

OH, THANK GOD
YOU'RE HERE.

WOW, YOU LOOK TENSE.

IS THAT BECAUSE
YOU'RE A NEW FATHER?

NO, NO. BECAUSE SATAN CAME
AND TOOK MY FIFTH BORN.

OUCH.

HOW CAN I HELP?

WAIT A MINUTE.

I JUST TOLD YOU THAT SATAN
TOOK MY BOY,

AND--AND YOU DON'T EVEN
BAT AN EYE?

JIM, WE'VE ALL HAD
OUR RUN-INS

WITH THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS.

HE'S A PRETTY REASONABLE GUY.
YOU SHOULD RENEGOTIATE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

I MADE MY FIRST DEAL
WITH THE DEVIL WHEN I WAS 9.

SINCE THEN, I RESOLD MY SOUL
OVER A DOZEN TIMES.

FOR WHAT? YOU LIVE ALONE.
YOU'RE MISERABLE.

YEAH, BUT, UH, GET ME, HUH?

I'VE NEVER LOST A GAME
OF ROCK'EM SOCK'EM ROBOTS...

WHEN I THROW UP,
IT TASTES LIKE LEMONADE...

AND I GOT TO HAVE COFFEE
WITH SNOOP DOGG.

(Cheryl) JIM,
I'M DONE FEEDING JONATHAN.

WOULD YOU BRING UP GORDON?

(sighs)

I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO RENEGOTIATE.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

CHERYL'S GONNA HIT THE ROOF

WHEN SHE FINDS OUT
GORDON'S GONE.

WELL, LUCKY FOR ME...

THEY'RE IDENTICAL TWINS.

THERE'S MY LOVELY WIFE...

AND ONE OF
MY ABSOLUTELY IDENTICAL TWINS.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA BRING ME GORDON.

UH, YEAH, WELL,
I THOUGHT I'D WAIT

UNTIL YOU WERE DONE,
UH, FEEDING JONATHAN,

AND THEN SAVE MYSELF
THE TRIP, YOU KNOW?

ACROSS THE HALL?

CHERYL, WHEN YOU'RE
AS EXHAUSTED AS I AM,

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE
CROSSING THE MOJAVE.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?

EVEN IF I WAS FULLY RESTED,
AWAKE AND ALERT,

I WOULD NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE
FOR THIS CONVERSATION.

NOW WOULD YOU PLEASE
JUST BRING ME GORDON?

YES...

(baby talk voice)
YES, YOU'RE SO GOOD.

I WILL.

YOU'RE SO BRAVE AND GOOD.

I WILL BRING GORDON...

(normal voice) THANK YOU.

JONATHAN'S ABSOLUTELY
IDENTICAL TWIN.

RIGHT.

(lowered voice)
OKAY, ANDY, COME ON.

QUICK CHANGE,
QUICK CHANGE.

OH.

HERE'S... GORDON.

AWW, HELLO, MY BOY.

YOU KNOW, CHERYL,
I WAS NOTICING

THAT THESE BOYS
ARE IDENTICAL IN EVERY WAY.

I MEAN,
EVERY SINGLE DETAIL.

YES, JIM. I'M AWARE
OF HOW TWINS WORK.

(gasps) HI.

WELL, UH,
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, UH,

I WAS WATCHING
SOME CABLE TV LAST NIGHT,

AND, UH,
THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL SAYS

THAT YOU SHOULD TRY
TO KEEP TWINS APART

AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

IT HELPS DEVELOP
THEIR PERSONALITIES

AND THEIR
SUPER TWIN POWERS.

THAT'S WEIRD.

GORDON DOESN'T SEEM HUNGRY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHY IS, UH,

UH, THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL
ALSO SAID THAT, UH,

ONCE ONE TWIN IS FULL,
THE OTHER ONE WON'T EAT.

THEY CALL THAT
PHANTOM MILK.

JIM, ARE YOU UP TO SOMETHING?

'CAUSE IT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE TRYING TO CONVINCE ME

THAT ONE OF THESE KIDS
IS BOTH OF THESE KIDS.

COME ON, CHERYL.

WE BOTH KNOW THAT IF
I LOST ONE OF THE BABIES,

I WOULD DRESS ANDY UP
IN A GIANT DIAPER

AND A GIANT RATTLE

AND TRY TO CONVINCE YOU THAT
YOU WERE SHRINKING. (laughs)

(laughs)

YEAH, THAT DOES SOUND
LIKE YOU.

YEAH. (laughs)

YOU KNOW, I GUESS
I'M JUST OVERREACTING.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I GUESS GORDON'S JUST
NOT HUNGRY.

THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S NOT HUNGRY.

YOU'RE JUST NOT HUNGRY?

NOPE. THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE WE GO.

OKAY, THERE YOU GO,
MY LOVE.

MWAH. OKAY.

GO WITH DADDY.

WELL, YOU JUST REST HERE,

AND I WILL TAKE GORDON...

(yawns) OKAY.

JONATHAN'S IDENTICAL TWIN
DOWNSTAIRS.

MM.

HEY...

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT
CHERYL'S GETTING SMALLER?

COME ON. COME ON.

HONESTLY,
ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN,

HOW WOULD YOU RATE

ME LOSING MY SON
TO THE DEVIL?

I'M JUST HAPPY TO HEAR

CHERYL DIDN'T MARRY YOU
ON HER ON ACCORD.

I KNEW THAT WAS
AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE.

DANA, COME ON. ARE YOU
GONNA MAKE JOKES HERE,

OR YOU GONNA HELP ME
FIND MY SON?

WELL, YOU ALREADY MADE
ONE DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.

I BET HE'LL MAKE ANOTHER ONE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL... SIX MONTHS AGO

WHEN I WAS TRYING
TO LOSE MY BABY WEIGHT,

I MAY HAVE...

TRADED MY IMMORTAL SOUL
FOR THOSE LAST 5 POUNDS.

WEIGHT LOSS?
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

I'M SO STUPID.

OH, YEAH.

AND IT WAS SO WORTH IT.

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS APPLE
MAMA'S PACKIN'.

GLAD YOU ENJOY MY WORK.

HEY.

HEY, COME ON.
I WANT MY SON BACK.

IS HE OKAY?

WHAT IS THAT HE'S WEARING?

OKAY, COME ON.
GIVE ME MY SON BACK.

I'LL TRADE YOU ANYTHING,
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

I-I'LL--I'LL TRADE YOU
MY SISTER-IN-LAW.

HEY!

UH...

AN ERNIE BANKS ROOKIE CARD.

A CHILD TO BE NAMED LATER.

OKAY.

YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.

YES!

(Dana and Jim sigh)

OH, BETTER.

OH, YEAH, LISTEN,

ABOUT THAT
ERNIE BANKS ROOKIE CARD,

I-I GOT IT
AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

UH, CAN I SEND IT TO YOU?

YOU GOT AN ADDRESS?

NOT INTERESTED.

YOU HAVE YOUR BABY BACK,

NOW I'M TAKING BACK
WHAT I GAVE YOU--

CHERYL'S LOVE.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

(Gordon coos)

CHERYL.

CHERYL.

OH, CHERYL.
GOOD, YOU'RE STILL HERE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS SO WORRIED
THAT YOU WERE--

GET OUT!

WHAT?

I FEEL LIKE I JUST WOKE UP
FROM A BAD DREAM

AND REALIZED
I MARRIED A JACKASS.

UGH! YOU DISGUST ME.

CHERYL, BE MORE SPECIFIC.

I GOT 15 YEARS
OF SPECIFIC, OKAY?

YOU CHANGED OUR DAUGHTER'S
KINDERGARTEN,

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.

YOU PUT MY DEAD CAT
IN THE FREEZER

SO YOU COULD GO
TO A BALL GAME.

OKAY.

YOU TOOK A SEMEN SAMPLE

FROM MY BROTHER
SO YOU COULD TRICK ME.

OH.

YOU MADE UP
AN IMAGINARY FRIEND

SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE TO SPEND TIME WITH ME.

OH, OH, OH! AND YOU SOLD
OUR HOUSE WITHOUT TELLING ME.

COME ON. WELL, YOU FORGAVE ME
FOR ALL THOSE THINGS.

I KNOW. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING.

MAYBE THAT YOU LOVE ME?

(clicks tongue) NO.

I DON'T LOVE YOU.

CHERYL--

HONESTLY, I CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHAT I EVER SAW IN YOU.

CHERYL, WHAT ARE YOU--

EXCUSE ME, JIM.
DON'T MIND ME.

OH, ANDY.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

WILL YOU REMIND CHERYL
THAT SHE LOVES ME

AND SHE'S
NOT THINKING CLEARLY?

YOU'RE NOT THINKING CLEARLY.

THANK YOU, ANDY.

FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS!

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

I AM PACKING UP YOUR CRAP

AND ESCORTING YOU
OFF THE PROPERTY.

IS THIS HIS PILLOW?

YEAH.

LITTLE SOMETHING
TO REMEMBER ME BY.

CHERYL, COME ON.
WHAT IS GOING--

YES, ROGER. IT'S TRUE.
SHE'S BACK ON THE MARKET.

OH, HOLD, PLEASE.

W--

HELLO. OH, HI, JEFFREY.

(gasps) OH.

YES, SHE'S BACK ON THE MARKET.

HOLD, PLEASE.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

OH, WORD'S OUT, JIM.
CHERYL'S DATING AGAIN.

OH, CHERYL,
DON'T DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

I'M THEIR FATHER.

THEY'RE GONNA NEED ME.

THIS IS AWKWARD.

WH-WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING IN SKI CLOTHES?

JUDD SENT 'EM OVER.

OH.

OUR NEW DADDY'S
TAKING US TO ASPEN.

NO, NO, NO, KIDS,
YOU DON'T HAVE A NEW DADDY.

OH, THANK YOU, CHERYL.

WE'RE SHOPPING
FOR A NEW DADDY.

HEY, JIM.
I'M KEEPING THIS.

(Cheryl) YEAH.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
FIRST OF ALL,

I'VE DONE SOME BAD THINGS.

BUT ISN'T THAT
WHAT FAMILY'S ABOUT,

DISAPPOINTING EACH OTHER
THEN GETTING OVER IT?

COME ON. YOU'RE NOT GONNA
THROW YOUR DEAR OLD DAD OUT

ON THE STREET, ARE YOU?

ARE YOU?

HEY!

ALL RIGHT, I GUESS YOU ARE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

HOW'S SINGLE LIFE GOING?

ANY HOT MOMS
WHISKING YOU OFF TO ASPEN

ON THEIR PRIVATE JETS?

(laughing)

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
CHERYL DOESN'T LOVE ME.

WELL, FOR THE PRICE
OF ONE BABY,

YOU CAN HAVE
ALL OF CHERYL'S LOVE BACK.

NO. NO MORE DEALS.

NO. I KNOW HOW...

YOU KNOW HOW I'M GONNA GET
CHERYL'S LOVE BACK?

UH, CHEATING AT
A CHURCH BINGO GAME?

NO, WAIT.
YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THAT.

NO.

I'M GONNA GET HER BACK...

WITH THE POWER OF LOVE.

AH, THE POWER OF LOVE.

WELL,
I'M CLEARING MY SCHEDULE.

I WAS GOING TO GO TO BRAZIL

TO CRUSH THE HOPES
OF AN ORPHAN.

BUT THIS...

THIS...

THIS SOUNDS LIKE
MUCH MORE FUN.

(laughing)

ANDY...

ANDY, OPEN THE DOOR.

ANDY, OPEN UP!

ANDY, YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
NOW OPEN THE DOOR.

(imitates Jim)
YOU OPEN THAT DOOR.

ANDY, YOU STOP THAT
RIGHT NOW.

YOU STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

NO, YOU STOP IT.

OPEN THE DOOR.

ANDY...

GIVE ME MY COAT BACK
AND LET ME IN THE HOUSE!

(normal voice)
YEAH. HOW DO I PUT THIS?

THE LADY OF THE HOUSE
DOESN'T WISH TO SEE YOU.

HIT THE ROAD, CREEP.

ANDY, THIS IS MY HOUSE.

AND THIS IS
THE PROBLEM SOLVER.

ANDY, WHAT ARE--AAH!

OH!

GEE!

AREN'T YOU GLAD
I SAVED YOUR DIARY?

YEAH.

NOW WE CAN LOOK UP
ALL YOUR OLD BOYFRIENDS.

HEY!

CHERYL!

OH, NO. HE'S BACK.

IT'S ME.

CHERYL... I'M ON...

A TRAMP... OLINE.

YOU'RE A...

WHAT?

JACKASS.

OH. I LOVE YOU.

(grunts)

OH!

(grunts)

OH, JEEZ.

(gasping)

OH! ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNA GO GET ANDY UP HERE
WITH HIS PROBLEM SOLVER.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, JIM,
SHE'S NOT KIDDING.

YOU GOT ABOUT 30 SECONDS.

CHERYL, I'M NOT GIVING UP
YOU OR THIS FAMILY

WITHOUT A FIGHT.

OH, JEEZ.

CHERYL...

(scoffs)

CHERYL...

CHERYL...

I REALLY LOVE YOU.

AND I KNOW IF YOU LOOK
DEEP DOWN INSIDE,

YOU LOVE ME, TOO.

OH, OKAY. GET--NO, NO.

ALL RIGHT, CHERYL, I KNOW
I'VE DONE SOME BAD THINGS,

BUT I'VE DONE
SOME GOOD THINGS, TOO.

REALLY? HUH. LET ME SEE.

YOU KNOW, NO.
I DON'T SEE 'EM IN HERE.

ALL I SEE ARE THINGS LIKE,

OH, THE TIME YOU GAVE ME

YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND'S
ENGAGEMENT RING.

OKAY,
THAT'S A GREAT EXAMPLE.

BECAUSE AFTERWARDS, I TOOK YOU
ON A HORSE AND CARRIAGE RIDE

THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND THEN WE KNOCKED ONE OUT
IN THE PARK,

AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, WHAT ABOUT THE TIME

YOU GOT ME PASSED-OUT DRUNK
ON DATE NIGHT

SO YOU AND ANDY
COULD WATCH BOXING?

ANOTHER GOOD ONE.

MM-HMM.

BECAUSE THAT NIGHT,

I PREPARED A ROMANTIC DINNER
FOR US IN THE TREE HOUSE.

WE KNOCKED ONE OUT
IN THE BACKYARD,

AND EVERYTHING
WAS JUST FINE.

WELL, EVERYTHING
IS NOT FINE NOW, JIM.

CHERYL... ARE YOU SURE?

MAYBE WE SHOULD
KNOCK ONE OUT JUST TO SEE.

OH. (scoffs)

COME ON.

THERE'S GOTTA BE

SOMETHING GOOD
IN THIS BOOK SOMEWHERE.

HERE.

HERE, HERE, HERE.

WHEN WE WERE FIRST DATING,
WHAT ABOUT THAT?

"ANOTHER GREAT NIGHT
WITH JIM.

I BET I CAN GET HIM
TO LOSE THE MULLET."

OKAY, THERE. ALL RIGHT.
I LOST THE MULLET FOR YOU.

OH. (sighs)

"I HONESTLY THINK
I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN."

AH. SO NOW WE KNOW
THE EXACT DATE I LOST MY MIND--

"JUNE 21, 1989."

YOU DIDN'T LOSE YOUR MIND.
CHERYL, YOU WERE IN LOVE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT WAS THAT DATE?

"JUNE 21, 1989."

THAT WAS THREE DAYS BEFORE
I MADE THE DEAL WITH THE DEVIL

TO GET YOU.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU
BABBLING ABOUT?

UH, UH, HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
JUST A SECOND. DEVIL!

DEVIL!

(gasps)

UM, DEVIL, CHERYL.

CHERYL, DEVIL.

OH, MY GOD.

I CAN HELP YOU WITH
THAT BABY WEIGHT IF YOU'D LIKE.

WELL...

SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME

THREE DAYS BEFORE
WE MADE THAT DEAL.

MM-HMM.

YOU RIPPED ME OFF.

OF COURSE I DID.

I'M THE DEVIL.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

I JUST LIKE BABIES.

BUT... WHATEVER.

I WON'T HOLD YOU
TO THE DEAL.

WELL, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HOLD ME
TO THAT DEAL.

NOW YOU TELL HER--
YOU TELL HER THAT SHE LOVES ME.

(exhales)

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

WHY DO THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
FALL FOR THESE HUSKY LUNKHEADS?

COME ON.

CHERYL...

NOW I WANT YOU TO LOOK
DEEP IN YOUR HEART...

(sighs)

YOU STILL LOVE ME...

DON'T YOU?

COME ON.

(giggling)

THERE'S THAT SMILE.

I'M BACK!

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

NOW WHY DON'T YOU LOCK THE DOOR?
LET'S KNOCK ONE OUT.

YEAH.

HA HA!

UH!

(gasps)

PROBLEM SOLVED.

(grunts)

OH.

OH, MAN.

GORDON?

OR ARE YOU JONATHAN?

OH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

OH. YOU'RE BOTH HERE. OH.

OKAY, YOU KEEP YOUR BROTHER
COMPANY HERE.

ALL RIGHT?

CHERYL?

CHERYL!

OH!

CHERYL.

OH, THANK GOD
YOU'RE STILL HERE.

OH.

OH, MY GOD.

CHERYL, OH.

OH.

I HAD THE WORST DREAM.

OH, HONEY.
WHAT--WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, I MADE A DEAL
WITH THE DEVIL

THAT COST US
OUR FIFTH CHILD.

OH, HONEY.

OH.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD
ANYTHING

TO WORRY ABOUT ANYWAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, HONEY, TECHNICALLY,
YOU ONLY HAVE FOUR CHILDREN.

GRACIE'S NOT YOURS.

NO!

(grunts)

(grunts)

OH, MAN.

CHERYL!

CHERYL!

OH, GOOD, YOU'RE STILL HERE.

WHERE ELSE WOULD I BE?

WHERE--
WHERE ARE THE BABIES?

OH, THEY'RE DOWNSTAIRS
SLEEPING.

OH.

OH, CHERYL.

MM. MMM.

YOU KNOW...

HMM?

I DON'T
SAY THIS ENOUGH, CHERYL,

BUT I AM REALLY, REALLY...

LUCKY AND GRATEFUL
TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE.

OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.

WELL, I AM.

MM.

I MEAN IT.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'D DO

IF YOU AND THIS BIG FAMILY
WEREN'T HERE.

YEAH.

AND I'D DO ANYTHING
IN THE WORLD TO PROTECT YOU

AND PROTECT
THIS PRECIOUS LIFE

THAT GOD HAS GIVEN US.

YEAH.
WE'RE BOTH PRETTY LUCKY.

OH.

MM.

(Jonathan and Gordon crying)

CHERYL, TIME TO PUNCH IN.
I'M BEAT.

AHH.

MM.