According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 7, Episode 13 - I Drink Your Milkshake - full transcript

Jim invents a way to end the kids' incessant bickering, but it backfires when he gets in a fight with Andy over a door prize won at a hockey game.

HOW THE HELL DO I IRON THESE?

HOW ABOUT THAT?
MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS.

JIM, WHAT THE CRAP?
WE GOT A HOCKEY GAME TO GO TO.

YOU HAVEN'T DONE
YOUR MAKEUP?

I DON'T WEAR MAKEUP.

I WEAR WAR PAINT
BECAUSE I'M A MAN.

OKAY, OKAY. WELL, LET'S GO.

I CAN'T GO.

I'VE GOTTA IRON BRAS
AND GO TO THE GYNECOLOGIST.

WHY ARE YOU GOING
TO A LADY DOCTOR?

I GOTTA TAKE CHERYL.
SUDDENLY, WE'RE PREGNANT.



OH, MAN.
BUT YOU SPRUNG FOR TICKETS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE.

YOU TAKE 'EM.
CALL A BUDDY.

SURE...

I'LL CALL, UH...

YEAH.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE
BOTH SEATS AND SPREAD OUT?

YOU KNOW,
YOU PUT YOUR POPCORN THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S A--THAT'S A LOT BETTER.

THANKS.

HEY, WET T-SHIRT.

♪♪♪

SMELL IT, SMELL IT!

YOU GOT TO PICK YESTERDAY.



WE'RE NOT WATCHING
THE STUPID FOOD NETWORK

'CAUSE YOU HAVE A CRUSH
ON BOBBY FLAY!

I LIKE HIS COOKING.

YOU LIKE HIS BUTT.
GIVE ME THE CHANNEL CHANGER!

NO, I'M SICK OF...

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF...

THAT'S ENOUGH, THAT'S ENOUGH,
THAT'S ENOUGH.

SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

CROWD CONTROL.
I AM SICK OF YOU GUYS

BICKERING OVER EVERYTHING.

I DON'T CARE
IF SHE STOLE YOUR SOCKS

OR YOU'VE BEEN
IN THE BATHROOM TOO LONG,

OR KYLE'S MAKING EVERYBODY GUESS
WHAT HIS FINGER SMELLS LIKE.

YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT.

AND YOU STAY AWAY
FROM THE NEIGHBOR'S CAT.

BUT MOM ALWAYS FIXES IT
WHEN WE FIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT YOUR MOM.

I'M NOT.
I DON'T "LISTEN."

I DON'T "HUG."

I DON'T
"LOVE YOU ALL EQUALLY."

LOOK, IF IT WAS UP TO ME,

YOU GUYS CAN BEAT EACH OTHER UP
TILL SOMEBODY WINS.

BUT MOMMY'S INVENTED
"USING YOUR WORDS."

AND WHAT DOES
DADDY CALL WORDS?

(giggles)
THE DEVIL'S TOOLBOX.

VERY GOOD, GRACIE.

WHERE WERE YOU TWO ON THAT?
HUH? HUH? WHERE WERE YOU?

NOW... WHAT WE NEED HERE--

WE CAN'T FIGHT,
SO WE GOTTA TALK.

SO WE'RE GONNA CREATE
A CHILDREN'S TRIBUNAL.

ARE YOU GONNA SELL US?

BELIEVE ME,
THERE'S NO MARKET FOR IT.

ALL RIGHT.

"TRIBUNAL" COMES FROM LATIN.

"TRI" MEANS "THREE,"

AND "BUNAL" MEANS
"LEAVE YOUR FATHER ALONE."

SO WHENEVER YOU HAVE
A DISAGREEMENT,

YOU'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT IT,

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA VOTE
ON A SOLUTION.

BUT WHAT IF WE DON'T AGREE?

WELL, MAJORITY RULES.

ONE OF YOU IS GONNA BE OUTVOTED
BY THE OTHER TWO "BUNALS."

HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

LIKE THE ONLY BOY
IS GONNA GET HOSED.

WELL, BUT YOU CAN HOSE
SOMEONE ELSE A LITTLE LATER ON.

AND EVENTUALLY
ALL THE HOSING EVENS OUT.

AND THAT'S THE WAY
AMERICA WORKS.

NOW GET ME A BEER.
GET ME A BEER! GET ME A BEER!

SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT,
SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT!

OKAY, CHERYL, ANYTHING YOU NEED,
JUST CALL.

I'M HERE TO TACKLE
ANY EMERGENCY...

(singsong voice)
BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING A BABY.

(normal voice) "WE."

DAD,
THERE'S ONLY TWO POPSICLES,

AND THEY WON'T LET ME
HAVE ONE.

WE CALLED IT.

DID NOT!

POPSICLES!

TRIBUNAL.

OH, HEY, YEAH.

WE'LL SET IT UP
IN OUR ROOM.

THERE YOU GO.

I'LL GET THE GAVEL.

POPSICLES!

(Ruby) I'LL GET THE ROBES
SO WE LOOK PROFESSIONAL.

I AM BEING
SUCH A GREAT PARENT,

AND THERE'S NOBODY HERE
TO SEE IT.

(man) AND NOW IT'S TIME

FOR OUR BLACKHAWKS
FAN GIVEAWAY.

OUR WINNER IS SITTING

IN SECTION 207,
ROW 15, SEAT 4.

THAT'S MY SEAT!

THAT'S MY SEAT!

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'VE WON
MILKSHAKES FOR A MONTH,

COURTESY OF DIDI'S DAIRYLAND.

MILKSHAKES FOR A MONTH?!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!

I WON! I WON!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, ANDY.
NO, I WON!

MILKSHAKES FOR ANDY!

♪ MILKSHAKES FOR ANDY ♪

NO MILKSHAKES FOR ANDY!

MILKSHAKES FOR JIM!
JIM! JIM!

ME!

MINE!

CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
UNBELIEVABLE!

FIRST, HE TAKES MY SEATS,
AND NOW HE STEALS MY MILKSHAKES.

IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE...

IT'S LIKE ME
IF THE SITUATION WERE REVERSED.

HEY, EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT?

I MET A GIRL TONIGHT.
HER NAME IS LADY LUCK.

MMM.

AND SHE'S DELICIOUS.

VERY FUNNY, ANDY.
NOW HAND ME MY MILKSHAKE.

YOUR MILKSHAKE?

YEAH. YOU WERE IN MY SEAT
WHEN YOU WON.

THAT MILKSHAKE IS FOR ME.

OH, THAT'S WEIRD,

BECAUSE HERE IT IS
IN MY HAND, DOWN MY THROAT...

AND IN ME BELLY.

OH, SOON TO BE FOLLOWED

BY 75 OF ITS COUNTRYMEN.
(laughs)

I BOUGHT THOSE SHEETS.
THAT COUPON BOOK IS MINE.

JIM, YOU HAD TO BE THERE
TO WIN.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE
IF IT WASN'T FOR ME!

YOU GAVE ME THE TICKETS!

OH, COME ON!
YOU WERE BEING PITIFUL!

OH...
(speaking indistinctly)

TRIBUNAL! TRIBUNAL!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

OH, OH, OH, OH!

(gasps)

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

WHAT THE "H"?!

DADDY SAID THE ONLY WAY
TO SETTLE SOMETHING

TWO PEOPLE CAN'T AGREE ON
IS TO VOTE.

I VOTE FOR ANDY.

I VOTE FOR JIM.

I VOTE FOR POPSICLES.

YOU TWO CAN'T VOTE.

THE THREE OF US WILL COME UP
WITH A SOLUTION.

NO WAY!

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

I THINK MY DARLING,
TALENTED DAUGHTER HERE

HAS A VERY GOOD IDEA.

YEAH, OF COURSE YOU DO.
YOU SPAWNED THESE RATS.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
THEY'RE JUST GONNA VOTE FOR YOU.

NO, THE TRIBUNAL'S
TOTALLY FAIR.

ALL WE SEEK
IS AMERICAN JUSTICE.

UNLESS... YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IN AMERICA.

HOW DARE YOU.

I'M AS AMERICAN
AS APPLE PIE.

OOH, A MILKSHAKE FLAVOR
I WILL HAVE ON THURSDAY.

GIMME MY MILKSHAKE! GIMME--

STOP!

NO, HEY!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

ALL RIGHT, TRIBUNAL.
TRIBUNAL.

KYLE, WOULD YOU MIND TAKING
THE COUPONS FROM UNCLE ANDY?

OH, I THINK I CAN HANG ON
TO THE COUPONS.

WE CAN DO THIS THE EASY WAY
OR THE HARD WAY.

PLEASE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HIT
FROM DOWN THERE?

...AND SO, IN CLOSING,
YOUR HONORS,

I WENT TO THAT GAME.
I SAT IN THAT SEAT.

SO CLEARLY, I DESERVE
THE MILKSHAKES LEGALLY.

OBJECTION.

ON WHAT GROUNDS?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO WIN.

OVERRULED.

HEARSAY! FIFTH COMMANDMENT!
HIDEOUS PORPOISE!

PLEASE CONTINUE.

(Andy) THANK YOU.

BUT DO I DESERVE SAID MILKSHAKES
IN THE LEGAL SENSE?

WELL, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE
IN MY EMPTY, EMPTY LIFE?

A WIFE? NO.

THREE BEAUTIFUL CHERUBS?
NAY.

ALL I HAVE ARE THOSE COUPONS

AND THE QUICKLY FADING MEMORY
OF MY FATHER...

(voice breaking) WHO USED
TO TAKE ME OUT FOR MILKSHAKES

WHEN I WAS SAD.

(high-pitched voice)
SURE COULD USE ONE

WITH WHIPPED CREAM ON TOP NOW,
POP.

(Jim) OH...

OW!

ORDER, ORDER, ORDER!

HONORED BUNALS...

PICTURE A JUNGLE...

AND A MIGHTY LION
HAS JUST KILLED A GAZELLE.

AND IT WANTS TO DRINK ITS BLOOD.

AND HE DESERVES IT.

BUT THEN A HYENA
COMES AND STEALS THE GAZELLE.

WHAT'S A GAZELLE?

MM, IT'S LIKE A... DEER,
LIKE--LIKE BAMBI?

THE LION DRINKS BAMBI'S BLOOD?
THAT'S SO GROSS!

(children shouting at once)

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

NEW STORY, NEW STORY,
NEW STORY.

I DIDN'T WANT
TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT DADDY GOT A CALL
FROM THE DOCTOR.

AND THE NEWS IS NOT GOOD.

WHAT IS IT? ARE YOU SICK?

WELL, THEY DON'T KNOW
FOR SURE.

BUT THEY DO KNOW ONE THING--

THAT DADDY'S GONNA DIE
VERY, VERY SOON.

BUT SCIENTISTS SAY

THAT MILKSHAKES
CAN CURE ANYTHING.

OBJECTION!

ON WHAT GROUNDS?

THAT IT'S NOT TRUE!

ARE YOU A SCIENTIST?

MAYBE YOUR UNCLE ANDY
IS RIGHT...

OR MAYBE HE'S NOT.

BUT ARE YOU... WILLING...

TO TAKE THAT CHANCE?

THANK YOU...

AND MAYBE...

GOOD-BYE.

WELL, ANDY,
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS?

I'M NOT NERVOUS.
I KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT.

OH. YOU WANT TO CUT A DEAL?

OH, GOD, YES. PLEASE, PLEASE,
GIVE ME ANYTHING.

I'LL TAKE STRAW SQUEEZINGS.
LET ME LICK THE LID, HUH?

HEY, HEY, DRINK IT,
AND I'LL SMELL YOUR BREATH.

ANYTHING.

ANDY, ANDY--

ALL RISE!

HEY!

THE TRIBUNAL
HAS REACHED ITS DECISION.

(sighs)

GET UP, GET UP, GET UP.

FOR PETE SAKES.

WE BELIEVE THE CASE
OF ANDY vs. DADDY

IS ULTIMATELY DETERMINED

BY THE LAW OF "FINDERS KEEPERS,
LOSERS WEEPERS."

WE THEREFORE RULE
IN FAVOR OF UNCLE ANDY.

WHAT?!

AH! YOU HEAR THAT, POP?

YOUR LITTLE ANDY
FINALLY WON ONE.

WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL
KIND OF TRIBUNAL

ARE YOU MONKEYS RUNNING HERE?

THE TRIBUNAL HAS SPOKEN!

WELL, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!

OH, SORRY, JIM,
BUT A VERDICT'S BEEN REACHED.

CERTAINLY
NO ONE WOULD CHALLENGE

THE WISDOM OF
THESE DELIGHTFUL YOUNGSTERS.

I DEMAND AN APPEAL!

A WHAT?

AN APPEAL! A DO-OVER.

YOU SEE,
THAT'S HOW GROWN-UP LAW WORKS.

YOU GET ONE MORE CHANCE
TO CHANGE PEOPLE'S MINDS.

REALLY?

YEAH, YOU KNOW,
REMEMBER THE TIME

DADDY PUNCHED OUT THAT LLAMA
AT THE PETTING ZOO,

AND WE ALL THOUGHT
THAT DADDY WAS GONNA GO

FOR A 30-DAY SLEEPOVER?

BUT HE GOT A CHANCE
TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS,

AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS PICK UP
GARBAGE ALONG THE HIGHWAY.

FINE. WE WILL ALLOW
YOUR APPEAL THINGY TOMORROW.

YES!

NO! I APPEAL HIS APPEAL.

IS THAT ALLOWED?

WELL, IT WOULD BE,

BUT WE'RE GOING OUT
FOR PIZZA AND BOWLING. COME ON.

(children shouting at once)

HANG ON A SECOND.

NO, THAT'S NOT FAIR!

(high-pitched voice)
NOT FAIR.

I ALREADY WON!

YOU ALREADY WON!

CAN WE STOP BY THE PETTING ZOO
ON THE WAY BACK?

(normal voice)
UH, YOU CAN, BUT, UH,

BY LAW, DADDY'S GOT TO HANG BACK
100 FEET.

(door shuts)

ALL RIGHT, MY LITTLE DARLINGS,
HERE YOU GO--

ORANGE JUICE, SCRAMBLED EGGS,
PANCAKES...

JUST HOW YOU LIKE 'EM.

THERE'S $20
BETWEEN MY PANCAKES.

MINE, TOO.

REALLY?

(mouth full)
I DIDN'T GET ONE.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS BACON.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BRIBE US?

BR--BRIBE?

WELL... LISTEN.

I KNOW
WHEN IT COMES TO THIS CASE,

YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN
TO YOUR HEARTS

AND... THESE NEW
HANNAH MONTANA CDs.

HANNAH MONTANA?
I LOVE HER.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD,
ISN'T IT?

HUH! INTERESTING.

IT'S NOT DECEMBER, BUT IT LOOKS
LIKE SANTA PAID A VISIT.

HO HO HO.
WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?

BRIBING YOUR CHILDREN?
DEPLORABLE.

OH, THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE

THIS MUST HAVE CAUSED YOU,
ANGELS.

MAYBE, JUST MAYBE,
THE PAIN WILL BE EASED

BY THE NEW BIKES I GOT YA!

NEW BIKES?

COOL! WHERE?

SO IT'S ON?

OH, IT'S ON.

♪♪♪

NO WAY.
I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT DRAGON.

KYLE. KYLE!

A CAMEL?

YOU'RE OFFERING
CAMEL RIDES NOW?

YOU ARE LOWER THAN LOW.

HUH.

THANKS FOR THE NEW CELL PHONE,
UNCLE ANDY.

OH, AND, DADDY,
THANKS FOR EXTENDING MY CURFEW.

HEY, COME ON.

WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE

CAN A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL
GET INTO AT 4:00 A.M.?

LISTEN,
GET YOUR REST, THOUGH,

BECAUSE IT'S A BIG DAY
TOMORROW.

WHY?

WELL, MY GOOD FRIENDS
ZACK AND CODY ARE COMING BY.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU DON'T KNOW THEM.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
I HAVE OTHER FRIENDS.

REALLY?

YES.

YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH
THE SPROUSE TWINS FROM TV?

ABSOLUTELY.

CAN I MEET THEM, THEN?

I THINK HE'S HUNGRY.

NAH, I JUST FED HIM. WHAT DOES
A THING LIKE THAT EAT, ANYWAY?

PUPPIES.

(gasps)

PUPPIES!

HOW'S YOUR CAMEL?

NOT SO GOOD.

HE GOT
INTO THE CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN.

I WOULDN'T GO INTO THE GARAGE
IF I WERE YOU.

(Kyle) ALL RISE!

(both sigh)

HAVE YOU REACHED
YOUR DECISION?

YEAH. WE'VE DECIDED
TRIBUNALS ARE STUPID.

NO, NO, TRIBUNALS ARE GREAT.
THEY WORK.

NO, ALL WE DO IS ARGUE.

I'VE BECOME DISENCHANTED
BY THE WHOLE PROCESS.

UM, EXCUSE US. ANDY, SIDECAR.

ALL RIGHT,
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO HERE?

I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL TERRIBLE.

I KNOW. WE JUST TAUGHT 'EM

A SYSTEM OF HOW TO SOLVE
THEIR OWN PROBLEMS.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT YOU HAD TO RUIN IT
WITH YOUR BRIBES.

ME?!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, MAYBE
I PLAYED A SMALL PART IN IT.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME WAY
TO MAKE THIS RIGHT.

I KNOW. WE'VE GOT TO TEACH THEM
THAT JUSTICE WORKS.

CLEARLY,
THERE'S ONLY ONE SOLUTION.

AGREED.

WE SHOULD SHARE
THE MILKSHAKES.

WHAT?

IT'S A FAIR COMPROMISE.

WHAT KIND OF COMPROMISE
IS THAT?

I'M NOT GONNA GET
WHAT I WANT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT ALL THE MILKSHAKES!

HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT,
HOLD IT!

ENOUGH! IF YOU TWO CAN'T
SETTLE THIS LIKE GROWN-UPS,

YOU'RE GONNA SETTLE IT
LIKE KIDS.

WELL, ALL RESPECT,

ISN'T THAT KIND OF
WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW?

WHOEVER DRINKS THE MILKSHAKES
THE FASTEST

WINS THE MILKSHAKES
FOR A MONTH.

THE PRIZE WILL GO TO
WHOEVER WANTS IT THE MOST.

ONE CONDITION--

THE LOSER
CLEANS THE GARAGE.

I THINK THIS IS
THE APPROPRIATE TIME TO TELL YOU

THAT I WAS
MILKSHAKE DRINKING CHAMPION

AT CAMP MURPHENSCHWABBA
THREE YEARS RUNNING.

YEAH, I'VE SEEN PICTURES OF YOU
AT THAT CAMP.

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
RUNNING.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET...

SUCK!

(both grunt)

AHH!

(both) BRAIN FREEZE!

(groaning)

♪♪♪

(groans)

(groans)

UGH. FINISHED.

I'M FINISHED!

WE HAVE A WINNER!

(groans) I WON!

I WON.

I... WANNA LAY DOWN.

HERE'S YOUR COUPON BOOK,
DADDY.

THERE ARE
75 MILKSHAKES LEFT.

(gags) UGH. I NEVER WANT TO SEE
ANOTHER MILKSHAKE AGAIN.

WELL, I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU GET
THE MILKSHAKES, UNCLE ANDY.

(gags) KEEP IT.

AND DON'T EVER SAY THE WORD
"MILKSHAKE"

AROUND ME EVER AGAIN.

MILKSHAKE.

(gags)

MILKSHAKE.

MILKSHAKE.

(gags)

MILKSHAKE.

(screams)

(all laugh)

WANNA TAKE OUR NEW BIKES OUT
FOR SOME FREE MILKSHAKES?

I'LL CALL AHEAD
ON MY NEW CELL PHONE.

DON'T WAIT UP.
WE'LL BE HOME BY 4:00.

(speaking indistinctly)

(groans)

(clears throat)

MILKSHAKE LOOKS THE SAME
GOING OUT

AS IT DOES COMING IN.

AT LEAST YOU MADE IT
TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, MAN, JIM,
WE WENT THROUGH ALL THIS,

AND NEITHER OF US
GOT THE MILKSHAKES.

WELL, AT LEAST THE KIDS LEARNED
HOW GROWN-UPS DO THINGS.

(doorbell rings)

WHY DO WE DO THIS
TO EACH OTHER, JIM?

WHY DO WE GET
SO COMPETITIVE?

I DON'T KNOW, ANDY. I JUST
THINK WE'RE NOT GOOD PEOPLE.

GOOD POINT.

HEY!

OH, MY GOD!
ZACK AND CODY!

HEY, JIM,
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YA.

YEAH, NICE SEEING YOU.

LOOKING GOOD.
IS THAT THE SHIRT I GOT YA?

YES, YES.
I WEAR IT ALL THE TIME.

I LOVE IT.
MY FAVORITE. THANKS.

AHEM!

OH, UH, THIS IS
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW ANDY.

'SUP, DUDES.

IS THIS THE GUY, JIM?

IS THIS THE GUY THAT STOLE
ALL YOUR MILKSHAKES?

YEAH.

UNCOOL, BRO.

YOU'RE RIGHT, JIM.
THIS GUY IS LAME-O FLAME-O.

YEAH. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE WORKED OUT
THAT MILKSHAKE THING.

IT'S ALL SETTLED.
SO THANKS FOR COVERING MY BACK.

OH, NO PROBLEM. SO DO
WE STILL GET THE CAMEL RIDE?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU CLEAN UP AFTER HIM,
YOU CAN RIDE HIM ALL NIGHT.

SWEET.

WAIT UP, FELLAS! ALL THREE OF US
CAN FIT ON THAT CAMEL!