According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 6 - All the Rage - full transcript

Jim is forced to go to an anger management class because Cheryl thinks he has a problem.

(sighs)

(sighs)

♪♪♪

AW, IT'S JUST NOT KICKING.

(sighs) MAYBE HE JUST NEEDS
THAT LAST PIECE OF BACON.

OH, UH...

I-I-I WAS...
SAVING IT FOR BABY?

I GOTTA TELL YOU,

THE SPORTS PAGE,
A CUP OF COFFEE...

IS THERE A BETTER WAY

TO GET CLOSER TO GOD
ON A SUNDAY MORNING?



WELL, I GUESS WE COULD
ACTUALLY GO TO CHURCH...

DON'T RUIN IT, CHERYL.

(car stereo plays loudly
in distance)

IT'S HIM. IT'S HIM! OH,
OH, NO, JIM, PLEASE, NO.

OH, NOT AGAIN! NO, NO, THAT CREEP
DRIVES BY OUR HOUSE ON PURPOSE!

I SWEAR HE DOES!

IT'S HORRIBLE MUSIC, TOO.
WOULD IT KILL 'EM TO MIX IN

A LITTLE SNOOP D-O-DOUBLE "G,"
YA SEE?

COME ON, YOU'RE GONNA
RUIN OUR SUNDAY!

(Jim) HEY, YOU'RE GONNA
RUIN OUR SUNDAY!

HEY, JIM,
I CAN MAKE MORE BACON.

YEAH,
COME BACK, BUDDY!

(Jim) HEY, THAT BETTER BE
SIGN LANGUAGE, PAL,

OR I'LL BREAK
THAT FINGER OFF!



ANDY,
ARE THE NEIGHBORS WATCHING?

WELL, NO ONE'S OUTSIDE,

BUT THEY ARE
LOOKING OUT THEIR WINDOWS.

(Jim) HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU LOOKING AT, MARILYN?

AND JIM SEES THEM.

(Jim) YOU WANT A SHOW?
I'LL GIVE YOU A SHOW.

AND THERE GOES HIS SHIRT.

COME ON, MARILYN,
TIT FOR TAT!

ARE HIS PANTS STILL ON?

TECHNICALLY, YES,
BUT THEY ARE DOWN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOTTEN
INTO HIM LATELY.

I MEAN, HE'S ALWAYS GRUMPY, BUT LATELY, IT'S...
IT'S... (Jim) COME ON, MARILYN! GET YOUR CAMERA!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE JEALOUS.

YOU JUST WISH YOURS
WAS AS TIGHT AS THIS.

MAYBE HE HAS I.M.S.

WHAT'S I.M.S.?

I WAS JUST READING ABOUT IT
IN ONE OF MY MAGAZINES. HERE.

"DOES YOUR MAN HAVE
IRRITABLE MALE SYNDROME?"

YEAH.

APPARENTLY, SOME GUYS,
WHEN THEY REACH A CERTAIN AGE,

JUST START BLOWING THEIR TOP
AT EVERYTHING. IT'S A REAL DISEASE?

IT'S GOTTA BE REAL.
THERE'S A QUIZ.

OH, MY GOD!
I DIDN'T MARRY A JERK.

I MARRIED A GOOD MAN
WITH A TERRIBLE DISEASE.

A GOOD MAN
WHO JUST LEFT A BUTT PRINT

ON THE WINDSHIELD
OF THE CRANNIS' NEW HYBRID.

HEY, UH, JIM, CAN I TALK
TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING?

YES, MY YOUNG BRIDE.
WHAT IS IT?

UM, IT... IT'S ABOUT THIS ARTICLE
THAT... THAT DANA FOUND

IN A MAGAZINE ABOUT A
CONDITION CALLED I.M.S. UH-HUH.

IT'S IRRITABLE MALE SYNDROME.
HMM.

I-I THINK IT MIGHT EXPLAIN
WHY YOU KEEP OVERREACTING.

OH, HONEY,
I DON'T OVERREACT.

THE REST OF THE WORLD
UNDERREACTS.

"CONSTRUCTS ELABORATE
JUSTIFICATIONS FOR ANGER."

CHECK.

OH, MY GOD!

THIS ARTICLE IS EXACTLY WHAT
PISSES ME OFF ABOUT AMERICA.

"GLOBALIZES HIS IRRITATIONS."
CHECK.

JIM,
DO YOU HEAR THIS?

THIS IS FREAKY.
IS HIS PICTURE IN THERE?

OH, COME ON.
EVERYBODY'S GOT A SYNDROME NOW.

I'M NOT LAZY.
I GOT CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME.

IT'S NOT HOT OUTSIDE.
IT'S GLOBAL WARMING.

OH.

YOU'RE NOT HYPER.
YOU GOT RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME.

RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT FAT.
YOU'RE PREGNANT.

HEY!

ANDY, WHAT...
WHAT'S THE ONE AT WORK

THAT YOU ALWAYS TRY
TO PULL ON ME?

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE?

OH, YEAH. "MY BLOOD'S GOT TOO
MUCH PRESSURE. I NEED A NAP."

J... I PASSED OUT.

OKAY. NOW WE'RE
JUST PLAYING WORD GAMES.

"MINIMIZES OTHERS' SUFFERING,
FREQUENTLY CHANGES SUBJECT,

DISMISSES
CONTRADICTORY OPINIONS."

(gasps) JIM, THIS COULD
BE THE FIRST TEST

YOU EVER GOT
A PERFECT SCORE ON.

THIS I.M.S.
IS A BUNCH OF CRAP!

IT'S MADE-UP NONSENSE
LIKE P.M.S.

I'M SORRY.
IS IT THE 15th ALREADY?

(car stereo plays loudly in
distance) LISTEN. SHH, SHH, SHH.

IT'S THE THUMPER AGAIN.
HE'S COMING AT ME AGAIN. NO!

COME ON, ANDY. COME ON.
GIVE ME A HAND HERE.

I CAN STILL HEAR 'EM.
I CAN STILL HEAR 'EM.

JIM, I CAN FEEL MY BLOOD
SUGAR PLUMMETING. SHUT UP!

(crash)

WHAT WAS THAT?!

DID WE HIT THE THUMPER?

OH, COME ON!

HEY! WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?!

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
YOU HIT ME!

YOU HIT ME,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE LETTING THE THUMPER GO.
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU'RE LETTING HIM GO! OKAY, GUYS,
GUYS, COME ON. LET'S NOT SAY SOMETHING...

EXCUSE ME, SIR. ARE YOU TOUCHING
ME? OH, DEAR, THE PRESSURE.

YOU CAN'T LET HIM GO.
YOU... IT'S YOUR JOB TO...

MAR... HEY, MARIL.
HEY, MARILYN.

YOU WANT A SHOW,
MARILYN, HUH?

I'LL GIVE YOU A SHOW.

I'M GONNA NEED SOME BACKUP
AT, UH, 412 MAPLE STREET.

SHOW, MARILYN?
HERE'S A SHOW, MARILYN.

HEY, BABY!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I GOTTA GO TO THIS...

WHOA. WHAT? OW! OW!

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? WELL, I
WANTED TO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU

BEFORE YOUR FIRST
ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS.

I'M GONNA TAKE ANOTHER ONE
IN SIX WEEKS

AND SEE HOW DIFFERENT YOU
LOOK WITHOUT YOUR RAGE. (slaps thigh)

CHERYL, I HAVE NO PROBLEM
CONTROLLING MY ANGER.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'LL
PROBABLY ADDRESS DENIAL

RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
OH.

WELL, IF IT ISN'T
THE MAPLE STREET STRIPPER.

READY FOR THIS COURT-MANDATED
HELL YOU'VE CONDEMNED ME TO?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
THAT OFFICER TESTIFIED

THAT WE WERE
BOTH OUT OF CONTROL.

AND BESIDES,
I ALREADY APOLOGIZED TO YOU.

"STUFF HAPPENS. GET OVER IT"
IS NOT AN APOLOGY!

SAVE IT FOR THE ANGER CLASS.

SAVE IT. OH, DON'T WORRY, BUDDY.
I GOT PLENTY LEFT IN THE TANK!

ANDY, RAGE PICTURE.
(camera shutter clicks)

ALL RIGHT,
GET BACK HERE! HUH?

SO NOW WHEN MY EX-WIFE'S DOGS
START BARKING ALL NIGHT,

I DON'T GET MAD.

I JUST GET UP
AND TAKE 'EM FOR A WALK.

EXCUSE ME.

WHY ARE YOU STILL LIVING
WITH YOUR EX-WIFE?

I'M NOT.

I'M JUST WATCHING HER DOGS WHILE
SHE'S ON VACATION WITH... HIM.

THAT'S REALLY GREAT,
HOWARD.

THE HAPPY LITTLE MAN
INSIDE ME IS SMILING

AT THE HAPPY LITTLE MAN
INSIDE YOU.

HE BETTER KEEP HIS HAPPY
LITTLE HANDS OFF OF ME.

JIM, IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANTED TO SAY?

YEAH. YEAH.

WE GOT 41 MINUTES LEFT
TILL THE END OF THIS MEETING.

THANK YOU
FOR YOUR FREQUENT UPDATES.

YES.
DO YOU MIND?

SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO LEARN
SOMETHING ABOUT OURSELVES.

THAT SOUNDED A LITTLE ANGRY,
ANDY.

LET'S EXPLORE
THE SOURCE OF THAT ANGER.

OH. (chuckles)
OH, I CAN'T IMAGINE

WHAT THE SOURCE
OF MY ANGER WOULD BE!

SOUNDS LIKE
HE'S MAD AT HIS MOTHER.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT MY MOTHER.

I'M JUST SAYIN',

A LOT OF FAT GUYS
DON'T LIKE THEIR MOTHER.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT
MY MOTHER IS A WONDERFUL CAKE...

I MEAN, WOMAN. DAMN IT!

BOB,
YOU HAVE PROVOKED ANDY.

WHAT DO WE SAY?

(sighs)

THE ANGRY LITTLE MAN IN ME
IS SORRY...

IF HE HURT
THE FAT LITTLE MAN IN YOU.

THANK YOU.

NOW THAT'S AN APOLOGY.

PARDON ME,
ARE YOU AN A.H.?

WHAT THE HELL
DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

AN A.H.

MODERATE YOUR TONES.

AN A.H.
MEANS "ANGER HELPER."

BUT, UH,
YOU ARE KINDA BEING AN A.H.

AN A.H. IS SOMEONE
WHO ACTS AS A BUFFER

BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR I.T.s.
"I" WHAT?

"IRRITATION TRIGGERS."

YOU WANNA STAY AWAY
FROM THOSE.

BUT WHAT IF I'M IN A ROOM JUST
FILLED WITH IRRITATION TRIGGERS?

TAKE A DEEP BREATH
AND WALK AWAY.

(exhales deeply) SEE YOU
GUYS NEXT WEEK. WHOA.

JIM, EVERYONE HERE
KNOWS IT'S A STRUGGLE.

I-I-I DON'T LIKE
HAVING A DISEASE.

I... I-I DON'T LIKE
BEING TREATED DIFFERENTLY

AND HAVING TO PARK
IN A HANDICAPPED SPOT.

BUT THAT'S THE WORK.

AND... AND WE DO IT
BECAUSE...

WE WANT TO GET BETTER.
I WANT TO GET BETTER.

HANDICAPPED SPOT?

IRRITABLE MALE SYNDROME

IS A RECOGNIZED
PSYCHOLOGICAL HANDICAP.

FOR HOWARD,
PARKING LOTS ARE A BIG TRIGGER.

YOU DON'T HAVE A PLACARD YET?

WELL, NOT A LEGAL ONE.

JIM, I THINK YOU'LL FIND
MANY TOOLS AT YOUR DISPOSAL

FOR ALL OF YOUR TRIGGERS.

PEOPLE WHO TALK
IN A MOVIE THEATER?

SPECIAL SCREENINGS WITH USHERS
THAT THROW 'EM OUT.

EVEN MY WIFE?

ESPECIALLY YOUR WIFE.

TELEMARKETERS?

ALL YOUR CALLS ARE SCREENED
AT A SPECIAL I.M.S. CENTER.

EVEN MY WIFE?

ESPECIALLY YOUR WIFE.

MY NAME IS JIM,
AND I HAVE I.M.S.

(all) HELLO, JIM.

OH, I WANNA FEEL THE BABY KICK.
MAKE IT KICK AGAIN.

WELL, HE KICKED A
LOT YESTERDAY... UGH.

RIGHT AFTER
I GOT A FOOT RUB.

WELL, THEN OFF
WITH THOSE SHOES, MISSY.

IF YOU INSIST.

HEY.

HEY!
AH.

HOW WAS ANGER CLASS?

OH, CHERYL, WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU ARE RIGHT.

I GOT THE I.M.S.

(gasps)

AND I GOT IT BAD.

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

YOU KNOW,
I HATE SAY TOLD YOU SO, BUT...

NO, I DON'T. I LOVE IT!
I TOLD YOU SO!

I TOLD THE NEIGHBOR SO.
I TOLD MY MOM. I TOLD HER SO.

AND I REALLY
WANNA HELP YOU, JIM.

ARE YOU SURE, CHERYL?

BECAUSE I.M.S.
DOES NOT TAKE A HOLIDAY.

IF YOU WANNA BE MY A.H.,

YOU'VE GOT TO PROTECT ME
FROM THE I.T.s.

ABSOLUTELY.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

HERE, READ THE LITERATURE.

(voice breaks)
I'M EXHAUSTED.

WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS,
MISTER.

YOU HEAR ME?

I LOVE YOU.

(telephone ringing)

THE PHONE?

ALL THAT RINGING,
RINGING, IT JUST...

IT JUST RATTLES THE VERY CORE
OF MY SERENITY. CHERYL...

OH, I'LL GET IT.

OH, THAT'S OKAY, BABY.
I'LL GET IT. I'LL GET IT. OHH.

HELLO? OH, GAIL, HI.
HOW ARE YOU?

SO MANY WORDS,
SO MUCH TALKING.

OH. I'M SORRY. SHH.
HEY, HEY, DID YOU GET MY E-MAIL?

YES. IT'S CALLED I.M.S.
THAT'S WHY HE'S LIKE THAT!

WHAT?

COME ON. YOU DON'T BELIEVE
THIS I.M.S. STUFF.

IT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS
ON MY CARD.

"I HAVE I.M.S.
PLEASE LET ME HAVE MY WAY."

SERIOUSLY?

YEAH. THEY GAVE ME THIS
AT THE MEETING.

I AM OFFICIALLY A VICTIM.

OH, COME ON.
YOU'RE JUST WORKING CHERYL,

AND UNTIL I HATCH THIS EGG,
THAT'S MY RACKET.

WAS YOUR RACKET, DANA.

I GOT I.M.S.,
SO SHUT YOUR Y-A-P.

CHERYL, HE IS JUST TELLING YOU
HE HAS I.M.S.

BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR.

HE'S FAKING. HE'S FAKING. IRRITATION
TRIGGER. IRRITATION TRIGGER.

IRRITATION TRIGGER!

DANA,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE.

WHAT?!
YOU'RE BUYING THIS?!

HONEY, SHE'S HURTING
THE SAD LITTLE MAN INSIDE ME.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

DANA, I'M SORRY, BUT JIM
HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION.

NO, HE DOESN'T.

YES, I DO. IT SAYS IT
RIGHT HERE ON MY TOTE BAG.

(scoffs)

THE BABY'S KICKING.

AW. STEP BACK, SWEETIE.

THANK YOU, CHERYL.
OH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE GUYS
SAID AT THE MEETING?

WHAT? THEY SAID THAT
SHOWER SEX SOMETIMES HELPS.

AND, UH, AFTER THEY RECEIVED
MY DOCTOR'S NOTE,

I GOT A SPECIAL STICKER
THAT, LETS ME, UH,

DRIVE IN THE CAR POOL LANE,
EVEN WHEN I'M BY MYSELF.

(inhales deeply)
THAT, UH...

SHOULD HELP WITH MY ROAD RAGE.

UH... WOW.
GREAT GROWTH THERE, BOB.

HEY, COULD I GET
THE NAME OF THAT DOCTOR?

TEACHING MOMENT.

"ANGER SPURNED
EQUALS LESSON LEARNED."

THAT'S MINE.

NO, NO, NO, ACTUALLY, I SAID
THAT LAST WEEK. THAT'S MINE!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
HOWARD SAID IT.

WE TALKED ABOUT
PUTTING IT ON COFFEE MUGS.

AND LITTLE PILLOWS
AND... AND TINY, LITTLE SWEATERS...

NOW LET'S WELCOME
A NEW MEMBER TO OUR GROUP.

PLEASE WELCOME DAVID.

(all) HELLO, DAVID.

WHAT WAS IT, DAVID,
THAT BROUGHT YOU HERE?

PAINT YOUR JOURNEY FOR US.

THE JUDGE KINDA MADE ME
'CAUSE THE COPS PULLED ME OVER

FOR PLAYING MY CAR STEREO
TOO LOUD.

WHAT STREET WERE YOU ON?

I THINK IT WAS MAPLE.

YOU'RE THE THUMPER!

AND YOU'RE THAT NUT JOB WHO
ALWAYS TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF!

(screams)
COME ON!

COME ON.

SAFETY STATIONS!

(grunting)

YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY FINE.

I KNOW.
YOU'RE PROTECTING ME.

(grunts) COME ON,
FLIP ME A FINGER NOW,

SEE WHERE
THAT FINGER ENDS UP!

TEACHING MOMENT. RIGHT NOW JIM IS
A VICTIM OF HIS OWN... I AM NOT A VICTIM!

I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR CAR
AND DEVEIN IT LIKE A SHRIMP!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS!

THE VEIN THAT RUNS DOWN
THE BACK OF THE SHRIMP.

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT? IT'S THE
SPEAKER WIRE IN THE CAR I'M GONNA TAKE...

I DON'T HAVE
TO EXPLAIN MYSELF!

YEAH, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
EXPLAIN IT TO ME OUTSIDE!

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY CHALLENGING
MY SERENITY.

"MY SERENITY! MY SERENITY!"

I'M SICK
OF YOUR FRIGGIN' SERENITY!

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I'VE MADE
MORE PROGRESS THAN YOU! I'LL GET HIM!

TEACHING MOMENT!
YOU STOLE MY RHYME!

(whimpers) I'M NOT REALLY
THAT ANGRY RIGHT NOW!

I JUST WANT TO FIT IN!

(choir singing opera music)

WOW. YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT

I'D GET TO KNOW SO MANY
OF OUR LOCAL POLICEMEN BY NAME.

SO YOU HAD AN I.M.S. EPISODE.

THE IMPORTANT THING NOW IS
THAT WE CREATE A SAFETY SPHERE

AND ENJOY
SOME CALMING BREATHS.

(exhales deeply)

CHERYL, I DON'T HAVE I.M.S.

YEAH. YEAH, YOU DO.

IT HAPPENS TO MEN WHEN
THEY REACH A CERTAIN AGE.

WELL,
THEN THAT AGE WAS 6...

'CAUSE, HONEY, I'VE BEEN
LIKE THIS MY WHOLE LIFE.

JIM, YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT.

I-I TOLD EVERYBODY
YOU HAVE IT.

CHERYL, CHERYL,

I-I KNOW YOU REALLY WOULD
LIKE ME TO HAVE IT,

THAT YOU NEED ME
TO HAVE IT,

BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD EXPLAIN
ALL THE WEIRD THINGS THAT I DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WISH I HAD IT, BECAUSE THEN
I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED.

BUT I DON'T HAVE I.M.S.

I HAVE J.I.M.

YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT
THE FACT... (chuckles)

YOU MARRIED A JERK.

I KNOW.

YOU DO?
YES.

OKAY. WELL,
THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

(sighs) JIM,

THE PROBLEM
IS THAT... THAT

LATELY YOU'VE BEEN,
LIKE, SUPER-JERK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"SUPER-JERK"?

EVERY WEEKEND, YOU'RE OUT THERE
ON THE FRONT LAWN,

YELLING AT OUR NEIGHBOR,
RIPPING OFF YOUR SHIRT.

I MEAN, IT... IT'S LIKE
IT'S FUN FOR YOU.

WELL,
IT IS KINDA FUN.

UGH. COME ON!

IT IS! IT'S FUN...
RUNNING OUTSIDE, MY SHIRT OFF...

YELLING, SCREAMING...
IT IS KINDA FUN.

WELL,
THAT'S LIKE A FOOTBALL GAME.

YEAH.

YEAH, IT IS.

OKAY.
WELL, HERE'S AN IDEA.

HOW ABOUT INSTEAD
OF MOONING MARILYN CRANNIS,

YOU GO TO A FOOTBALL GAME?
OR, YOU KNOW,

GO OUT WITH THE GUYS
OR PLAY WITH THE BAND?

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU
DO THAT STUFF ANYMORE?

I DON'T KNOW. I-I, UH...

WELL...

I THINK, UH,
I LIKE IT HERE.

I-I LIKE THIS FAMILY.

I LIKE YOU.

I LIKE TWO OF THE KIDS.

(laughing)

I GUESS WHEN PUSH
COMES TO SHOVE, I, UH...

I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH YOU.

OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.

GO TO A GAME.

REALLY?

I WANT YOU
TO BLOW OFF STEAM.

I WANT YOU TO STOP GETTING
NAKED IN THE FRONT YARD.

ALL RIGHT. DEAL.

I WON'T GET NAKED.

I'LL WEAR BOXER SHORTS.

ALL RIGHT, BUT NOT THE ONES THAT
SAY "OVER A BILLION SERVED."

OH.

YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.

YOU TOLD THE COPS
I STARTED THE FIGHT!

(chorus singing opera music)