According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 6, Episode 14 - What Lies Beneath - full transcript

When Andy buys a metal detector, he digs up Jim's wedding ring in the front lawn, but gives it to Cheryl, who, in turn, tries to get Jim to fess up.

(playing discordant notes)

AND YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP
PAYING FOR THESE LESSONS?

WELL, I THOUGHT
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

WAS THAT IN THE KEY
OF E-CRAP?

IT'S IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN
TO HAVE MUSICAL SKILLS.

AND AS SOON AS I HEAR
MUSICAL SKILLS,

WE'LL PAY FOR MORE LESSONS.

KYLE, THROW THAT THING
IN THE TRASH.

YES!

NEXT!

(Cheryl) OH, THERE'S
MY LITTLE SOCCER STAR.



GRACIE, TELL US WHY WE SHOULD
PAY FOR ANOTHER YEAR OF SOCCER.

I'M OUT OF YOUR HAIR
FOR THREE HOURS EVERY SATURDAY.

YOU MAY CONTINUE.

HERE'S A CHECK.

NEXT!

OH, GOD.
A TAP-DANCING CHILD?

BETTER EARN THOSE
FANCY SHOES OF YOURS, GIRL.

SIGN IT.

♪♪♪

(thinking)
THIS TREASURE SNOOPER T-700

IS THE BEST INVESTMENT
I'VE EVER MADE.

GOOD-BYE, LOSER WEEKENDS.
HELLO, METAL DETECTING.

WELL, HELLO, LADIES.

WHAT'S SEXIER THAN A MAN
WHO CAN FIND TREASURE?



WHOO!

(both laughing)

HMM. MUST BE SOMETHING FUNNY
GOING ON BEHIND ME.

GUESS I MISSED IT.

(beeps)

OOH, OOH!

PLEASE BE GOLD COINS!
PLEASE BE GOLD COINS!

HEY, A NICKEL...

FROM 1988.

IT'S LIKE A WINDOW
INTO ANOTHER TIME.

(beeps)

PLEASE BE GOLD COINS!
PLEASE BE GOLD COINS!

A WEDDING RING?

"JIM, PUT THIS BACK ON.
LOVE, CHERYL."

OH, MY GOD, THIS IS
JIM'S WEDDING RING!

I REMEMBER WHEN
HE LOST THIS A YEAR AGO.

(laughs)

THAT RASCAL HAS WORN
A CHEAP LOOK-ALIKE EVER SINCE,

AND CHERYL'S
NEVER BEEN THE WISER.

GOD, I LOVE THAT GUY.

ANDY! ANDY!

WHAT DID--

WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT
DIGGING HOLES IN MY FRONT YARD?

I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW HIM.

WHAT--WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TAKE THAT THING BACK

TO YOUR HOUSE AND USE IT
TO TRY TO FIND A LIFE?

WOW. HE'S REALLY MAD
ABOUT SOMETHING BEHIND ME.

HMM. MUST'VE MISSED IT.

THINGS HAPPEN FAST
AROUND HERE.

HEY! HEY!

WHAT,
YOU'RE GONNA IGNORE ME?

IS THAT WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA DO?

ALL RIGHT, ANDY.
ALL RIGHT. (grunts)

WOW. JIM'S SQUIRTING ME
WITH A HOSE.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
I'M HIS BEST FRIEND.

(gasps)

I KNOW.
I MUST BE ON FIRE.

STOP, DROP AND ROLL!
STOP, DROP AND ROLL!

STOP, DROP AND ROLL!

NEXT TIME I'M GONNA
GET MY BB GUN,

AND WE'LL SEE IF YOU CAN DETECT
METAL FLYING INTO YOUR ASS!

(engine starts)

I WASN'T ON FIRE AT ALL.

HE'S JUST A BIG, STUPID JERK.

WELL, I'LL SHOW HIM.

(laughing)

WHAT IS SO FUNNY BEHIND ME?

POOR ANDY.

EVEN WITH THAT THING,
YOU CAN'T FIND YOUR DIGNITY.

OH, DANA,
GIVE HIM A BREAK.

IT WAS SMALL AND HARD TO FIND
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AH, CHERYL,
BIG SIS... (laughs)

ALWAYS THERE WITH
A CLEVER QUIP AND AN APRON.

THAT REMINDS ME.
WHAT WAS THE FUNNY THING

YOU HAD ENGRAVED
ON JIM'S WEDDING RING?

OH... (laughs)
"JIM, PUT THIS BACK ON.

LOVE, CHERYL."

(laughs)

HUH. THAT'S FUNNY.

THAT'S WHAT THIS RING SAYS
THAT I JUST FOUND

BURIED IN THE FRONT YARD
UNDER 2 INCHES OF LIES.

WHAT?
JIM LOST HIS WEDDING RING?

YEAH, A YEAR AGO, AND HE'S BEEN
WEARING A FAKE ONE EVER SINCE.

(gasps)

HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE LOST IT A YEAR AGO?

(chuckling) DANA...
SWEET, STUPID DANA.

A SEASONED TREASURE HUNTER
CAN ANALYZE THE SOIL

AND THE POSITION OF
SAID ARTIFACT IN DETERMINING--

YOU WERE WITH HIM
WHEN HE LOST IT.

IT WAS A WARM SPRING DAY...

A DAY WHICH FOUND
JIM AND I IN POSSESSION

OF A WATER BALLOON CATAPULT

AND THE GOOD SENSE
TO KNOW WHERE TO USE IT.

ALL RIGHT. GUNS UP!

(Andy grunts)

10 BUCKS IF YOU HIT
DRISCOLL'S MAILBOX!

10 BUCKS IF YOU DON'T
LEAN BACK SO FAR.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

(Andy) OH, GREAT SHOT!

(Jim laughs)

ALL RIGHT,
WHAT ELSE WE GOT?

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

MMM.

LOOKS LIKE AL CRANNIS
PICKED THE WRONG DAY

TO LEAVE THE SUNROOF OPEN
IN HIS CAR.

(laughs)

GUNS UP!

(grunts)

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

(grunts)

(Jim) OHH!

(Andy laughing) OHH.

(Jim) YEAH!

(laughing)

(Andy) OH, YEAH!

(both laughing)

TOUCHDOWN! TOUCHDOWN!

AWESOME.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

YOW!

OOH!

OH! (laughs)

HEY, I'M GONNA KICK
YOUR BUTTS, YOU OLD JERKS!

OOH. OH, MY GOD.

OH, CRAP, CRAP,
CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!

WHAT'S THE MATTER? SHE'S 5.
WE COULD TAKE HER.

NO, I'VE LOST IT.

WHAT?

I LOST MY WEDDING RING.

IT'S GOTTA BE
AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

IT COULDN'T HAVE GONE FAR.

AH, I'D SAY 100 YARDS
WITH A GOOD TAILWIND.

CRAP!

MAYBE IT'S IN THE FRONT YARD.
HEY, YOU'RE A BIG NERD.

YOU GOT ONE OF THOSE, UH,
METAL DETECTORS, DON'T YA?

I'VE BEEN KICKIN' THE TIRES
ON A COUPLE,

BUT THE ONLINE BUZZ SAYS
WAIT FOR THE T-700.

AND "NERD'S"
A LITTLE HARSH.

CHERYL'S GONNA GET
A LITTLE HARSH

IF I DON'T FIND THAT RING!
COME ON.

OKAY.

JEEZ, JIM...

(grunts)

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU
CAN'T FIND YOUR RING?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M DEAD.
FOR SOME REASON,

CHERYL'S ALWAYS MADE
A BIG DEAL ABOUT THE RING.

WOMEN.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I COULD JUST
TELL HER THE TRUTH.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU.

I MEAN,
SHE'S A REASONABLE WOMAN.

SHE KNOWS ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
I MEAN, LOOK AT KYLE.

YEAH, WE'LL FIND IT.

YO!

CHERYL.

YOU DO SOMETHING NEW
WITH YOUR HAIR?

DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING,
JIM?

YES. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN?

WHAT?

YOU FORGOT TO PICK UP THE GIRLS
AT THEIR DANCE LESSON...

TODAY OF ALL DAYS, AFTER I HAD
TO BEG, BORROW AND STEAL

FOR AN APPOINTMENT WITH TODD,
THE HAIR GENIUS OF OAK PARK.

I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH MY WEAVE
WHEN MY CELL PHONE RINGS,

AND IT'S RUBY, CRYING
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SHOW!

SO I HAD TO LEAVE THE SALON,
PICK THE GIRLS UP,

GO TO THE CRAFT STORE
FOR THEIR BEADING PROJECT

WHERE I RAN INTO EVERYBODY
I KNOW LOOKING LIKE THIS!

AND NOW THAT MY HAIR COLOR
IS PROCESSED

FOR 2 HOURS
INSTEAD OF 20 MINUTES,

I AM GONNA LOOK
LIKE ANDY WARHOL!

THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST
IRRESPONSIBLE THING

YOU HAVE EVER DONE!

YES.

YES, IT IS.

DID YOU TWO BOZOS
EVEN LOOK FOR THE RING?

WELL, WE WERE GOING TO,
BUT THEN WE REALIZED

WE COULD FILL WATER BALLOONS
WITH PEE.

ONCE WE WERE BORED WITH THAT,
SUMMER WAS OVER.

THEN IT SNOWED.

SO HE'S BEEN LYING
ABOUT THIS FOR A YEAR?

OH, CHERYL, YOU KNOW HIM.
HE'LL SAY...

(imitating Jim)
"I JUST DIDN'T TELL YOU,

AND THAT'S NOT
THE SAME AS LYING."

OH, NO. HE LIED.

CHERYL, I SWEAR ON THIS RING

I DID NOT HEAVE WATER BALLOONS
AT AL CRANNIS' CAR.

CHERYL,

I SWEAR ON THIS RING

I DID NOT TEACH KYLE
THAT WORD.

I SWEAR ON THIS RING,
IT WAS HERE WHEN I WOKE UP.

HE WAS NEVER GONNA TELL ME.

HE SWORE OVER AND OVER
AGAIN ON A FAKE RING.

CHERYL, FOR ONCE
IN THIS TWISTED MARRIAGE,

YOU HAVE COLD, HARD EVIDENCE.
YOU SHOULD NAIL HIM.

OH, OH, I AM GONNA NAIL HIM.
I WILL NAIL HIM.

HE IS NAILED!

HOW DO I DO THAT?

EASY. WE TIE HIM UP
AND BEAT HIM. I'VE GOT A BAT.

OH, GREAT IDEA.
WE CAN TAKE TURNS.

NO, NO. I MEAN, HITTING HIM
WOULD FEEL GOOD...

REALLY GOOD...

BUT THAT'S JUST TEMPORARY.

DEPENDS ON WHERE YOU HIT HIM.

ANDY.

MORE SATISFYING
WOULD BE A CONFESSION.

YOU'LL NEVER GET HIM
TO CONFESS.

HE ALWAYS TALKS HIS WAY
OUT OF THESE THINGS.

(gasps) WE COULD BEAT
A CONFESSION OUT OF HIM.

YES! I'VE GOT A BAT.

NO. NO. WE ARE GONNA BE
MORE SUBTLE.

WE ARE GONNA USE CUPCAKES.

I'LL BRING MY BAT.

GOOD IDEA.

OKAY, EVERYBODY.
LOOK WHAT I MADE...

MMM.

MY CHOCOLATE SWIRL
SINFUL CUPCAKES.

OH! THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE!

I KNOW--
DEEP, DARK CHOCOLATE.

MMM.

BUT FIRST...

EVERYBODY HAS TO TELL
A DEEP, DARK SECRET.

OH!

COME ON, CHERYL,
WE'RE NOT 4 YEARS OLD.

LET'S JUST
EAT THE CUPCAKES.

UH! NO SECRET, NO CUPCAKE.

(Andy)
I'LL GO. I'LL GO. OKAY.

UM, REMEMBER THAT LAVENDER TIE
YOU BOUGHT ME?

THE ONE I HAD MONOGRAMMED?

I LOST IT
DOING SOMETHING STUPID,

AND RATHER THAN TELL YOU,
I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT

A SIMILAR ONE,
AND YOU NEVER CAUGHT ON.

I-I'M A TERRIBLE MAN.

SOUNDS LIKE
SOMETHING I WOULD DO.

DOESN'T IT?

OH, ANDY, THAT'S SILLY.
YOU'RE FAMILY.

I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD.

RIGHT, JIM? I MEAN,
ANYBODY CAN LOSE SOMETHING.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
JUST TOLD HER.

I KNOW. THE COVER-UP IS
ACTUALLY WORSE THAN THE CRIME.

(chuckles) IT ALWAYS IS.

CAN WE JUST EAT THE CUPCAKES?

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING.
ANDY, HERE'S YOURS.

HA HA HA! MMM. MMM!

MMM.

DELICIOUS.
THIS IS A GOOD CUPCAKE,

BUT NOT AS GOOD
AS A CLEAN CONSCIENCE.

MMM.

OKAY, MY TURN.

LAST WEEK,
I WAS UP ON THE ROOF

THROWING WATER BALLOONS
FILLED WITH MY OWN URINE.

AND...

I LOST THE BRACELET
THAT CHERYL GAVE ME.

THE ONE I HAD ENGRAVED?

I'M SUCH A JERK.

IS THERE SOMETHING WEIRD
GOING ON BEHIND ME?

YOU KNOW, DANA, I COULD HAVE
HELPED YOU LOOK FOR THAT

WITH MY METAL DETECTOR.

OH, THE TREASURE SNOOPER
T-7000?

HUNDRED.

HUNDRED, YEAH. YOU COULD
FIND ANYTHING WITH THAT.

(laughs) YEAH.

YOU KNOW, DANA, AT LEAST
YOU DIDN'T HIDE IT FROM ME

FOR WEEKS, MONTHS
OR EVEN A YEAR.

YEAH.

I MEAN, THAT WOULD HAVE
BEEN REALLY HURTFUL.

YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK SO,
JIM?

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK YE WHO LEAST JUDGE
JUDGE THE LEAST.

NOW MAY I HAVE YE CUPCAKE?

NOW IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR CONFESSION.

SURE.

WELL, NOT UNLIKE DANA,
I WAS ON THE ROOF...

THIS IS VERY HARD
FOR ME TO SAY.

GO AHEAD, JIM. IT'S TIME.

WELL, I WAS UP ON THE ROOF.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
I WAS UP THERE.

ANYWAY, I... I LOST...

I-I LOST...

HOPE.

MY WHOLE LIFE JUST SEEMED
A LITTLE BLEAK TO ME.

THEN I WENT DOWNSTAIRS
AND TOOK A NAP,

AND I FOUND HOPE AGAIN.

THAT'S YOUR BIG CONFESSION?
YOU LOST HOPE?

I KNOW. IT WAS THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

I SWEAR ON MY RING.

THANK YOU FOR DIGGING
SO DEEP, JIM.

I HAVE A SPECIAL CUPCAKE
JUST FOR YOU.

LOOKS DELICIOUS.

(grunts loudly)

ABSOLUTELY SINFUL.

HIT THE SPOT.

MMM! GOOD AS GOLD.

I'M GONNA GO GET
SOME MORE MILK.

WOULD YOU GUYS, UH,
CARE FOR ANYTHING?

UH... NO, NO.

WE'RE GOOD.

WELL, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

JUST GIVE ME A RING.

(lowered voice) OH, THERE--THERE
IS NO WAY HE SWALLOWED IT.

(lowered voice)
WE WERE ALL THERE.

WE ALL SAW HIM SWALLOW IT.

(lowered voice) WELL, THERE'S
ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

(beeps)

I-I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM.

HE WOULD RATHER SWALLOW
HIS WEDDING RING

THAN ADMIT HE DID
SOMETHING WRONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I CAN'T BELIEVE?

THAT YOU'RE STILL
SURPRISED BY HIM.

HE ONCE TOOK THE KIDS
TO THE CIRCUS,

CAME BACK
WITH A STOLEN MONKEY.

ALL RIGHT. THIS IS NOT OVER.
I DON'T CARE WHAT WE HAVE TO DO,

I AM GONNA HEAR THE WORDS,
"I SWALLOWED MY WEDDING RING,

AND I LIED TO YOU ABOUT IT."

IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
THE EVIDENCE IS GONE.

WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY GONE.
WE...

WE KNOW WHERE IT IS.

RIGHT.

AND PRESUMABLY,
IT'S COMING BACK.

AND WHEN IT DOES...

WE'LL BE THERE.

(both) OHH!

(grunts)

DADDY, I FINISHED THAT REPORT
YOU WANTED ME TO WRITE.

(strained voice) NOT RIGHT NOW,
HONEY. I'M IN A BIT OF A HURRY.

OKAY, BUT IT TAKES FOOD ABOUT
14 HOURS TO PASS THROUGH YOU.

ACTUALLY,
IT TAKES ABOUT 12 HOURS

AND 25 MINUTES
AND 40 SECONDS.

I CAN USE SOME READING.

(grunts)

OH. OHH.

OHH.

(exhaling deeply)

(clink)

OHH!

OHH. OH.

(grunts)

WHAT THE...

DON'T YOU DARE
FLUSH THAT TOILET.

BUT FEEL FREE
TO LIGHT A MATCH.

I THINK WE'VE CROSSED
A LINE IN THIS FAMILY.

I FEEL TOTALLY INVADED.

YEAH, I DON'T FEEL
SO GOOD MYSELF.

IT WAS ALL CHERYL.

ALL SHE COULD TALK ABOUT
WAS CATCHING YOU ON THE POT.

OH, PLEASE. I HAD TO TALK YOU
OUT OF BRINGING A CAMERA.

I FEEL TOTALLY UNCOMFORTABLE
IN THE ROLE

OF THIS FAMILY'S MORAL COMPASS.

OH, GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE.

WERE YOU USING THAT COMPASS
WHEN YOU LOST YOUR WEDDING RING

CATAPULTING WATER BALLOONS
AT YOUR NEIGHBORS?

OR LYING ABOUT IT
FOR A YEAR?

RIDICULING A MAN'S HOBBY
AND SQUIRTING HIM WITH A HOSE?

YOU GUYS PUT A RING
IN A CUPCAKE,

THEN STOOD IN A BATHTUB
AND AMBUSHED ME

LIKE A BUNCH OF HYENAS
WAITING FOR A LION

TO SQUEEZE OUT A RING.

I GAVE YOU THAT RING
ON OUR WEDDING DAY

AS A SYMBOL OF OUR LOVE,

AND YOU LIED TO ME
ABOUT LOSING IT!

I DIDN'T LIE.
I JUST CHOSE NOT TO TELL YOU.

AHA! I TOLD YOU HE'D SAY THAT.
I TOTALLY WIN...

EXCEPT FOR THE PART
ABOUT SEEING JIM POOP.

CHERYL, I CHOSE NOT TO TELL YOU
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D GET UPSET.

OH, YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO GET YELLED AT.

THAT IS TRUE. I MEAN,
THE WAY YOU LOOKED THAT DAY,

WITH YOUR HAIR,
YOU LOOKED CRAZY.

UNTIL FIVE MINUTES AGO,

THAT WAS THE WORST THING
I'D EVER SEEN.

CHERYL, THINK ABOUT IT,
ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN,
YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE

THAT I WAS WEARING
A DIFFERENT RING.

AND DO YOU LOVE ME
ANY LESS RIGHT NOW?

A LITTLE.

I FEEL TERRIBLE
THAT I LOST THE RING.

I DO.
BUT COME ON, CHERYL,

WE GOT GREAT LOVE HERE.

WE GOT GREAT COMMITMENT
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

WE DON'T NEED
A SYMBOL TO PROVE IT.

I MEAN, I DON'T,

AND IF YOU DO, WELL,
YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.

(toilet flushes)

KYLE, WHAT DID YOU DO?

YOU ALWAYS TELL ME TO FLUSH.
I FLUSHED.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM?

(both sighs)

WELL, CHERYL,
TO BE HONEST WITH YOU...

I GOT IT THIS MORNING.

WHAT?
BUT... WE HEARD THE CLINK.

YEAH, IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

REMIND ME TOMORROW--
WE GOTTA HAVE SOME KEYS MADE.