According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Tale of the Tape: Part 2 - full transcript

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PREVIOUSLY ON
"ACCORDING TO JIM"...

I HAVE A ROMANTIC
ACE IN THE HOLE RIGHT HERE.

IS THAT THE TAPE?

THE MIX TAPE

THAT CHERYL MADE FOR ME
ON OUR THIRD DATE.

AND OVER THE YEARS,

THIS TAPE
BECAME THE SOUNDTRACK

FOR OUR FAIRY TALE
LIVES.

REMEMBER THIS?

OH, MY GOD!
JIM, IS THAT OUR MIX TAPE?

YEAH!
THIS IS AMAZING!



LET'S HEAR IT.

OH, HONEY, THAT'S JUST CD.
WE DON'T HAVE A TAPE DECK.

I HAD IT MADE INTO A CD.

IT JUST BOOSTED
ALL THE LEVELS.

IT SOUNDS REALLY CLEAR.

(Man) I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

THAT'S MY EX-BOYFRIEND CHAD.

WHY IS CHAD ON A MIX TAPE
YOU MADE FOR JIM?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE IT
FOR JIM.

CHAD MADE IT FOR ME.

♪♪♪

WHY DID YOU GIVE JIM
A MIX TAPE

THAT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND
MADE FOR YOU?

I DIDN'T. JIM CAME
TO PICK ME UP FOR A DATE,



AND IT WAS JUST SITTING THERE.

"BLUES FOR MY BABY"?

WOW. ALBERT COLLINS.

DELBERT McCLINTON.

ETTA JAMES?

CHERYL, THIS IS THE NICEST THING
ANYONE'S EVER MADE FOR ME.

THANK YOU.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN
THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.

IT REALLY TOUCHED ME.

THE LOOK ON HIS FACE?

CHERYL, COULDN'T YOU JUST GET
A HOUSE FULL OF CATS?

THEY MAKE FACES,
AND THEY'RE CLEAN.

DANA, SERIOUSLY.

I SAW SOMETHING IN JIM
I HADN'T SEEN BEFORE.

I COULDN'T TELL HIM
CHAD MADE THE TAPE FOR ME.

HE WOULD HAVE FELT AWFUL.

WELL, NOT AS AWFUL
AS HE'S GONNA FEEL

WHEN HE HEARS
THE NEW BONUS TRACK...

(imitating Chad)
"I WUV YOU, CHEWYL."

YEAH, I DATED ELMER FUDD.
WE HUNTED WABBITS.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

GAS TANK FULL
IN THE MINIVAN?

I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY.

ARE YOU SURE, CHERYL?

WOMEN WITH HUSBANDS A LOT BETTER
THAN YOURS DO IT EVERY DAY.

EVEN SO...

OHH.

ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT THIS?

OOPS.
BLENDER ACCIDENT.

HOW IS IT THAT YOU AND JIM
DON'T GET ALONG?

JIM, SOMETHING
HORRIBLE HAPPENED.

HONEY, I LIT A MATCH.

WELL, I WAS MAKING YOU
A SMOOTHIE,

AND THE CD FELL
IN THE BLENDER.

IT'S RUINED FOREVER.

OH, BABY, DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT COST THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY
TO MAKE ONE COPY OF THE CD

AS IT WAS TO MAKE 50.

SO I MADE 50,
I SOLD ONE TO ANDY,

AND THE WHOLE THING
PAID FOR ITSELF.

WOW. 50 COPIES, HUH?

WOW, YOU REALLY
THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING.

YOUR MAN IS A GENIUS.

NOW WHERE WERE WE?
AH, YES.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE.

(music playing)

SHALL WE CONTINUE?

WE SHALL.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT.

I WANT TO DANCE.

OKAY, HONEY.

IT'S JUST... I FEEL LIKE
THE MUSIC'S TOO LOUD.

WHOA!

HONEY, IT HAS TO BE.

REMEMBER LAST WEEK?

KYLE THOUGHT WE HAD A BEAR
LIVING IN HERE.

OHH! (laughs)

AND DIP.

CHERYL.

CHERYL, COME ON!
YOU ARE HARD TO HANDLE.

OH! (laughs)
YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?

I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER!
TAKE ME NOW!

OH, HONEY, THAT IS TOO LOW.
I'M GONNA HEAR MY KNEE CREAK.

(raises volume)

OH, CHERYL.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SHOULD SAY THIS MORE OFTEN,
BUT...

(Chad) I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, JIM.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WELL, YOU SAID
"I LOVE YOU, CHERYL,"

AND I SAID
"I LOVE YOU, TOO."

I DIDN'T SAY
"I LOVE YOU, CHERYL."

WHAT? WHY NOT?

DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

NOW I'M UPSET.

CHERYL, I DID NOT SAY
"I LOVE YOU, CHERYL."

THAT WASN'T ME.

WELL, DO YOU WANT TO ARGUE,
OR DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?

MMM.

SEX.

WAIT A MINUTE!

I AM SURE THAT WASN'T ME
SAYING "I LOVE YOU, CHERYL."

(Chad) I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

...CHERYL.

OKAY, UM, AHEM.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY
EVERY TIME YOU LAUGH,

IT ADDS SEVEN MINUTES
TO YOUR LIFE?

WELL, THIS IS GONNA ADD,
LIKE, TWO WEEKS.

THAT VOICE ON THE TAPE?
IT WAS MY EX-BOYFRIEND CHAD.

(laughing)
'CAUSE... 'CAUSE...

WAIT. 'CAUSE I DIDN'T
MAKE THAT TAPE FOR YOU.

CHAD MADE IT FOR ME.

(forced laughter)

HONEY, IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU
KEEP ALL THOSE LAUGHS INSIDE.

COME ON!

CHERYL, BUT YOU GAVE ME
THIS TAPE.

NO. ACTUALLY, YOU FOUND IT
AND ASSUMED IT WAS FOR YOU.

NOW LET'S HAVE A GOOD LAUGH,
THEN GO HAVE SEX.

OH, OH! I KNOW.
AND A SANDWICH.

CHERYL, OUR WHOLE LIVES HAVE
BEEN CENTERED AROUND THIS TAPE,

EVERY SPECIAL MOMENT.

AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME
THIS TAPE IS A LIE?

WHAT ELSE IN OUR LIFE
IS A LIE?

THE CHILDREN...
ARE THEY MINE?

I KNEW THEY WERE
TOO GOOD-LOOKING.

JIM, I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE
TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TAPE,

BUT YOU LOVED IT SO MUCH.

AND YOU KNOW,
THE MORE WE LISTENED TO IT,

THE MORE IT REALLY
DID BECOME OUR TAPE.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME.

I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE YOU...
IF I KNEW WHO YOU WERE!

JIM!

SERIOUSLY, CHERYL,
FOR ALL I KNOW,

YOU COULD BE REPORTING OUR WHOLE
LIFE TO YOUR HANDLER IN MOSCOW.

I AM NOT A COMMUNIST SPY.

OH, RIGHT...
CONRAD.

IT'S COMRADE.

AHA! YOU TELL MOTHER RUSSIA

I'M JUST A LITTLE
TOO SMART FOR HER.

DID YOU EVEN LISTEN
TO YOURSELF?

JIM, NOW...
OH, COME ON, HONEY.

CAN'T WE JUST FORGET THIS
AND RESUME A ROMANTIC EVENING?

CHERYL, I WILL BE
IN THE BACKYARD

DESTROYING THESE CDs.

THE DREAM IS DEAD.

OH... MY... GOD.

THERE NEVER WAS A SMOOTHIE,
WAS THERE?

(playing blues)

SOUNDED PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH,
WE SOUNDED PRETTY GOOD.

YOU STOPPED SINGING
HALFWAY THROUGH

AND JUST STARED
AT YOUR SHOES.

IT'S A BLUES SONG.
I GOT DEPRESSED.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS
WANT TO PLAY NEXT?

HOW ABOUT "IF YOU LOVE ME
LIKE YOU SAY"?

PICK ANOTHER SONG.

UM, WHAT ABOUT
"I WANT YOUR LOVE"?

LET'S TRY ANOTHER ONE.

HOW ABOUT "I'M WITH YOU"?

LET'S JUST PICK
ANOTHER DAMN SONG!

OH, I GET IT.

THOSE SONGS
MAKE YOU MISS CHAD.

I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT THEY'RE
YOUR FRIENDS, JIM.

I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT
HEAL YOUR PAIN.

ALSO I THOUGHT
IT'D BE REALLY FUNNY.

COME ON, WHAT DOES IT MATTER
WHO MADE SOME STUPID MIX TAPE?

I DON'T KNOW, GUYS.

JIM, IF I MAY...

MAN, THIS IS JUST LIKE
"FLASHDANCE."

FLASHDANCE GETS INTO A BIG
BALLET COMPANY,

AND THEN SHE REALIZES
IT'S ALL BECAUSE

HER RICH BOYFRIEND
PULLED SOME STRINGS.

IS THAT IT, JIM?

IS IT LIKE "FLASHDANCE"?

KIND OF.

WHAT DID FLASHDANCE DO?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT SHE DID.

SHE PUT ON SOME LEG WARMERS
AND DANCED HER HEART OUT.

THERE YOU GO, JIM,
THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS.

OH, COME ON.

GO AHEAD, JIM.
BE A MANIAC.

YOU GUYS AREN'T
HELPING ME AT ALL!

KNOCK IT OFF!
COME ON!

JIM, YOU CAN'T EXPECT US
NOT TO LAUGH AT THIS STORY.

YOU DON'T KNOW
THE WHOLE STORY.

NEITHER DOES CHERYL.

AND I'M GONNA TELL HER.

ANDY, THE DOOR.

WHAT A FEELING!

CHERYL?
WE NEED TO TALK.

I KNOW, HONEY. I SHOULD HAVE
TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TAPE.

NO, NO, NO.
STOP RIGHT THERE.

THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN
WANTING TO GET OFF MY CHEST.

I WAS HOPING I'D NEVER
HAVE TO TELL YOU,

BUT THERE'S ANOTHER REASON
THAT TAPE IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

WHOO!

PARTY!

OKAY. SUZY, SIT DOWN.
SIT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
YOU SIT TIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

I GOTTA GO TALK TO THIS CHICK
CHERYL FOR A SECOND.

HEY, WHAT'S A SENSITIVE WAY
OF SAYING

"I'M DUMPING YOU
'CAUSE YOU WON'T PUT OUT"?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.

HEY.

(imitating Jack Nicholson
as The Joker)

WAIT'LL THEY GET
A LOAD OF ME.

WHAT?

THE JOKER FROM "BATMAN."
DON'T YOU GET IT?

OH, RIGHT.
IT'S HILARIOUS.

HEY, MR. QUEENIE.

FEENEY.

FEENEY.

I REALLY LOVE CATS.

HEY, CHERYL, I WAS THINKING...

ME TOO.

(music playing)

IS THAT ETTA JAMES PLAYING?

OH, IT'S A MIX TAPE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT TAPE,
I WOULD HAVE SAID "I'M THINKING

"WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
WHO AREN'T EACH OTHER.

"HASTA LA VISTA, BABY."

YOU WERE GONNA DUMP ME?

YEAH.

I MEAN, I FIGURED
WE'D PART AS FRIENDS

AND LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN

FOR A 2 A.M. BOOTY CALL,
YOU KNOW?

WOW.

WOW, YEAH.

WELL, I JUST THOUGHT

YOU DESERVED TO KNOW
THE WHOLE STORY.

NO MORE SECRETS.

RIGHT. GOOD.

YOU KNOW, UM, AS LONG
AS WE'RE BEING HONEST,

THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW.

OKAY, HOW'S THAT?

I THINK IT NEEDS
TO BE HIGHER.

I WANT TO LOOK JUST LIKE
DEBBIE GIBSON.

WELL, YOU CAN
HAVE HER PONYTAIL,

BUT ONLY GOD HANDS OUT
THAT KIND OF TALENT.

OH, I CAN'T WAIT
FOR HER SECOND ALBUM.

CAN WE GO ALREADY?

WRESTLEMANIA II STARTS
IN LESS THAN AN HOUR,

AND THIS HULKAMANIAC
DOESN'T WANT TO BE

IN THE BACK OF THE LINE
WITH ALL THE LOSERS.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS
SHOULD PROBABLY GO ANYWAY,

'CAUSE JIM'S GONNA BE HERE
TO PICK ME UP SOON.

OH, RELAX, CHERYL.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GONNA BE

HANGING AROUND YOU
THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

(imitating Hulk Hogan)
WHAT YOU GONNA DO, BROTHER?

HUH? WHAT YOU GONNA DO

WHEN THE LARGEST ARMS
IN THE WORLD GO WILD ON YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE BACK STAIRS?

WANT ME TO SHOW YOU
THE ATOMIC LEG DROP?

DON'T TOUCH ME!

DON'T WORRY, MR. FEENEY.
ONE DAY I'LL GET MARRIED

AND TAKE YOU AWAY
FROM THOSE TWO.

(telephone ringing)

HELLO?
OH, HEY, MOM.

NOTHING. I'M JUST WAITING
FOR THAT GUY JIM TO PICK ME UP.

I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY BACK
TO THE ARCADE TO PLAY FROGGER.

YEAH, I KNOW. I'M BREAKING UP
WITH HIM TONIGHT.

HE'S CUTE,

BUT I JUST REALLY WANT A GUY
WITH MORE DEPTH, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I'M TOTALLY
GONNA GIVE HIM DANA'S NUMBER.

(knock on door)

OKAY, I GOTTA GO. OKAY.
BYE-BYE.

EXCUSE ME, MR. FEENEY.

(Cheryl) I REALLY THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA BREAK UP WITH YOU,

BUT I JUST WASN'T SURE.

HEY.

WAIT'LL THEY GET
A LOAD OF ME.

(Cheryl) I KNEW I WAS
MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION

WHEN YOU DID
THE WHOLE "BATMAN" THING.

BUT THEN YOU FOUND THE TAPE,

AND I SAW
A WHOLE NEW SIDE OF YOU.

I MEAN, THE WAY YOU TALKED
ABOUT MUSIC MADE ME REALIZE

THERE WAS A DEPTH TO YOU
I JUST HADN'T SEEN BEFORE.

THIS MUSIC IS SO GREAT.

I MEAN, THIS IS POWERFUL
AND SEXY AND PASSIONATE AND...

IT'S HONEST, IT'S RAW,
IT'S PAINFUL, IT'S HUMOROUS.

IT'S JUST...
WHEN I LISTEN TO IT,

I JUST FEEL IT
ALL THROUGH MY BODY.

I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.

I STARTED THINKING
"I'M NOT GONNA DUMP THIS GUY.

"I'M GONNA FALL FOR THIS GUY."

AND I DID.

KEEP THOSE LIPS
AWAY FROM ME, JEZEBEL!

WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU WERE GONNA DUMP ME?

WELL, YOU WERE GONNA DUMP ME,
TOO, REMEMBER?

I WAS LYING!

HEY, TONY! GUESS WHERE
I'M CALLING YOU FROM.

THE CAR.

YEAH, ON MY NEW
CELL-U-LAR PHONE.

HEY, LISTEN, I'M NOT GONNA
MAKE BAND PRACTICE TONIGHT.

I GOT A DATE WITH CHERYL.

I KNOW. I KNOW THE BAND IS
ON THE BRINK OF GREATNESS,

BUT CHERYL'S
A STONE-COLD FOX.

YEAH. WELL, I JUST HOPE
SHE'S AS INTO IT AS I AM.

WHAT?
OH, THAT'S HYSTERICAL!

YEAH, I'LL USE IT.

WAIT'LL THEY GET
A LOAD OF ME.

YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S GONNA KILL.

YOUR FEELINGS GET HURT,

SO YOU MAKE SOMETHING UP
TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD?

I WASN'T TRYING TO MAKE YOU
FEEL BAD, CHERYL.

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF
FEEL BETTER.

WELL, NOW WE BOTH FEEL BAD.
ARE WE EVEN?

WELL, TECHNICALLY...

YOU LIED ABOUT THE TAPE,
AND THEN YOU WERE GONNA DUMP ME.

SO YOU'RE AHEAD,
TWO TO ONE.

YOU DIDN'T STOP DOIN' THAT
BATMAN THING FOR FIVE YEARS.

TRUST ME. WE'RE EVEN.

WAIT'LL THEY GET
A LOAD OF ME.

YOU'RE NUTS.
THAT'S FUNNY.

HEY.

HEY.

WHATCHA READIN'?

"THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES."

OH, GOOD.

SOMEBODY'S GOTTA KEEP AN EYE
ON THOSE BEES.

THEM AND THE DOLPHINS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS SMILIN'
LIKE THEY KNOW SOMETHIN'.

MAYBE THEY'RE
COMMUNIST SPIES, JIM.

OH, CHERYL.

CHERYL...

UH, LOOK...

MAKING UP THAT STORY
ABOUT DUMPING YOU

WAS A ROTTEN THING TO DO.

BUT I NEED SOME HELP HERE,
CHERYL.

I'M STUCK.
I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS.

THIS THING ABOUT CHAD
AND THIS TAPE AND...

JIM, THAT TAPE'S
NOT IMPORTANT NOW.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS YOU AND ME
AND THE LIFE WE BUILT TOGETHER.

I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT EVER SINCE
WE STARTED DATING,

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE
AS HOT FOR ME AS I WAS FOR YOU.

AND I HAD A MIX TAPE
OF LOVE SONGS TO PROVE IT.

AND NOW,
THE PROOF IS JUST A LIE.

OH, HONEY, I MEAN,

IS IT REALLY A LIE, OR...

IS IT JUST TWO PEOPLE
TRYING TO MAKE A CONNECTION?

SO I TOLD YOU
I MADE YOU THAT TAPE.

I ALSO TOLD YOU
I LIKE SPORTS.

THAT'S TRUE.

AND I TOLD YOU
I LOVE CATS.

AND I ALSO SAID
THAT I WANTED

TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER
BEFORE WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

(laughs)

OH, HONEY.

OH, IF I COULD
GO BACK IN TIME

AND MAKE THAT TAPE FOR YOU,
I WOULD.

WE JUST CAN'T
CHANGE THE PAST.

I KNOW. I KNOW
I'M BEING RIDICULOUS.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER,
AND OUR MARRIAGE IS PERFECT.

IT REALLY IS.

EXCEPT FOR THAT DAMN
MIX TAPE WITH CHAD!

YOU ARE NOT GONNA
LET THIS GO, ARE YOU?

I WANT TO. IF I COULD,
I WOULD, HONEY,

BUT, YOU KNOW, MY MIND
WON'T LET ME LET IT GO,

AND MY HANDS ARE TIED.

CAN'T GET IN THERE.

GOD, JIM,
IT WAS SO LONG AGO.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT WAS
A REALLY LONG TIME AGO.

I MEAN, IT WAS SO LONG AGO,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF WE'RE REMEMBERING IT RIGHT.

REALLY?

YEAH, I MEAN,
NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

IT REALLY BUGGED ME
THAT YOU WENT ON AND ON

ABOUT THAT STUPID TAPE,
AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE

THE PURPLE SWEATER
I WORE JUST FOR YOU.

WHAT PURPLE SWEATER?

THE ONE I WORE
ON OUR FIRST DATE.

AND YOU REALLY,
REALLY LIKED IT,

SO I WORE IT THAT NIGHT
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

I DON'T REMEMBER
ANY PURPLE SWEATER.

OKAY. OKAY.

DO YOU REMEMBER STARING
AT MY BOOBS?

I DIDN'T THINK
YOU NOTICED.

YEAH. CAN YOU GO BACK
AND PICTURE THEM?

OH, PURPLE SWEATER!

RIGHT!

RIGHT, AND I WORE IT
THAT NIGHT BECAUSE...

BECAUSE YOU WERE AS HOT FOR ME
AS I WAS FOR YOU.

YES.

SO IT WASN'T
ABOUT THE TAPE AT ALL.

HONEY, THE TAPE WAS JUST
BACKGROUND MUSIC

FOR THE SWEATER.

RIGHT.
THE PURPLE SWEATER.

I'M BLOWN AWAY.

NO ONE'S EVER
GOTTEN ME BEFORE.

THANK YOU.

YOU WANNA DANCE?

WELL, AREN'T WE GOIN' OUT?

IT CAN WAIT.

I LIKE
THE SWEATER STORY.

WELL, IT IS THE BEGINNING

OF OUR FAIRY-TALE LIFE
TOGETHER.

THAT'S A GOOD SWEATER.

YEAH.

IT GOT ME A HUSBAND,
AND IT WAS INCREDIBLY WARM.

WE GOTTA GET
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.

WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

UM... OH.

OH, MY GOD, CHAD,
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

YOU KNOW,

I'LL NEVER GET TIRED
OF HEARING THAT.

MY MOM GAVE IT TO ME.
OH.

REMIND ME TO THANK HER.

YEAH, DON'T BOTHER.

NO?
NO.`