According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Grumpy Guy - full transcript

Jim's neighbor Julie's dog has kept him awake for 10 years, so he gives her a talking-to. When the dog goes missing, Julie suspects Jim. Then Jim sees the dog in Julie's window. Why the lie?

(laughs)

OH, MAN!

YEAH, YOU WANNA
TAKE THAT MOVE BACK,

DON'T YA, SUNSHINE?

I'D LOVE TO LET YOU,
BUT THEM'S AIN'T THE RULES.

(laughs)

OKAY,
HERE'S THE PROBLEM...

YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

NOW I DON'T WANNA SAY
IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A GIRL...

BUT, THERE, I JUST SAID IT.
(laughs)

AND THAT, MY FRIEND,
IS CHECKMATE. AHEM.



I LEAVE YOU
WITH THIS PIECE OF ADVICE...

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE
YOUR OPPONENT.

IT COULD BE COSTLY.

OH, KIDS.

PRETTY GOOD TAKE.

BUT WE STILL DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
FOR THE VIDEO GAME.

(gasps) HERE COMES DADDY.
HIDE, HIDE!

HEY, DADDY.
HEY.

WANNA PLAY CHESS?

SURE.

OH, HOLD ON. AH.
LET'S PLAY FOR MONEY.

I GOT MY EYE
ON A VIDEO GAME.

♪♪♪

(dog barking)



OH.

(barking continues)

OH.
COME ON.

(barking continues)

OH!
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

THAT STUPID DOG.
THAT CRAZY NEIGHBOR OF OURS

IS LETTING THAT DOG
BARK ON PURPOSE.

JULIE IS NOT CRAZY.
SHE'S A NICE WOMAN.

JULIE IS CRAZY...
OH, JIM.

AND SHE'S NOT
A NICE PERSON.

OH.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S LETTIN'
THAT DOG BARK

BECAUSE I WON'T TRIM
THAT BRANCH OFF THE TREE.

OH.
COME ON.

DON'T YOU GET IT...
BARK... TREE?

SHE'S FIENDISHLY CLEVER.

OH.
SHE IS.

OH.

(dog barking)
OH, THAT'S IT!

THAT'S ENOUGH.
THAT'S ENOUGH.

WE'LL SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT.

(dog barking)

(barking)

JIM.

(howling)

STOP IT.

AAH!

THIS FEUD HAS BEEN
GOING ON FOR TEN YEARS.

IT'S ENOUGH.

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GONNA END IT RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA GO OVER THERE
AND TALK TO HER. NO, JIM...

YELLING IS NOT GONNA
SOLVE ANYTHING.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA MAKE IT
WORSE. HOW CAN I MAKE IT WORSE?

WHAT, IS THE DOG
GONNA BARK SHOW TUNES?

ALL RIGHT, FINE,
BUT I'M GOIN' WITH YOU.

LAST TIME YOU WENT OVER THERE,
YOU MOONED HER

THROUGH HER FRONT WINDOW.
YEAH...

YEAH, WELL,
THAT WAS PAYBACK

FOR HER RATTIN' ME OUT
TO THE CITY.

YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR OWN
SPEED BUMPS ON A CITY STREET.

CHERYL, IF I CAN PAINT
MY OWN STOP SIGN,

I CAN PUT OUT
MY OWN SPEED BUMPS!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

I'M GONNA GO OVER THERE,
I'M GONNA TALK TO HER

LIKE A REASONABLE,
RESPONSIBLE ADULT.

FINE. GIVE ME THE SQUIRT GUN
YOU JUST PUT IN YOUR PAJAMAS.

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

FINE, FINE.

YOU BE CAREFUL WITH
THAT. THAT IS LOADED. OH.

YOU'RE LEAVIN' A LOADED GUN
IN THE BED LIKE THAT?

GET OUT, GET OUT.

UNH.

(dog barking)
RING THE BELL AGAIN.

NO, I ALREADY RANG IT TWICE.
THREE TIMES IS RUDE.

ALL RIGHT. THEN I'M ONLY
GONNA RING IT ONCE.

(doorbell buzzing)

OH, PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
WILL YOU STOP IT?

STOP IT.
HEY, YOU STOP IT.

HEY, HEY.
DON'T HURT ME.

OH, COME ON. OKAY,
GAME FACE, GAME FACE.

IT'S NOT MY GAME.
PLAY WITH ME!

(sighs)

(sighs)

YOU.

CHERYL, DARLING.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

UH, JULIE, W-WE'RE SORRY TO...
TO COME OVER SO LATE, BUT...

YEAH, BUT YOUR STUPID DOG

HAS BEEN BARKING ALL NIGHT!
HE'S BARKING!

(Cheryl) SHH.

I DON'T HEAR TREVOR BARKING.

TREVOR? THAT'S WHY
HE'S BARKING SO MUCH...

HE HATES HIS NAME!
ENOUGH.

MAYBE WHAT YOU HEAR
IS YOUR TREE LIMB

THUMPING UP AGAINST MY HOUSE.

OKAY, HERE, WE GO.
OKAY.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE
I'D TRIM THAT TREE LIMB

IF YOU DIDN'T CALL THE COPS
ON MY BAND PRACTICE.

PRACTICE? YOU NEED PRACTICE
TO BE THAT BAD?

(inhales sharply)

OKAY, JULIE. OKAY, LOOK,

JUST BRING THE DOG
BACK INSIDE, OKAY?

I DON'T WANNA BE AWAKE
RIGHT NOW.

AND I DON'T WANT SQUIRRELS
RUNNING INTO MY OFFICE

FROM YOUR TREE LIMB.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, LADY?

SQUIRRELS LOOK FOR NUTS.

THEN I SUGGEST
YOU CLOSE YOUR ROBE.

(sighs) OKAY, AND ON THAT NOTE,

I THINK IT'S TIME
TO GO TO BED.

GOOD NIGHT, JULIE.

(sighs)

(grunts)
HEY, HEY, HEY!

ALL RIGHT, JULIE,
WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT...

AND TRUST ME,
IT'S GONNA BE BIG...

YOU BROUGHT IT ON
YOURSELF!

JIM, ENOUGH.

OOH, NOT SO TOUGH NOW,
ARE YOU?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, TREVOR?
CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?

(barks)

AAH!

(barks)
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

YOU WON NOTHIN'.

(barks)

PLEASE?
PLEASE?

PLEASE? PLEASE?
OH, SHUT UP.

MORNING, ALL.

(laughs)

NOTHIN' LIKE A SOLID
14 HOURS OF SLEEP

TO START YOUR DAY.

THEY SAY IT'S THE KEY
TO HAPPINESS.

BOY, I BELIEVE IT.

YOU KNOW, THEY ALSO SAY
IT'S A SIGN OF DEPRESSION.

SHUT UP!
SHUT YOUR STUPID HOLE!

HOW IS IT
THAT YOU DIDN'T HEAR

JULIE'S DOG
BARKING ALL NIGHT?

I SWEAR THAT WOMAN
LIVES TO TORMENT ME.

YEAH, I'VE ALWAYS LIKED THAT
ABOUT HER.

(doorbell rings)

YOU KNOW, I WAS SURPRISED
THAT JULIE EVEN GOT A DOG.

SHE SEEMS MORE LIKE
A CAT WOMAN.

YEAH.

OH, GOOD MORNING, JULIE.

I WISH IT WERE.

MY DOG IS MISSING...

(gasps)

AND HE DID IT.
I KNOW HE DID.

I DID... W-WHAT?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

YOU OPENED THE GATE
SO TREVOR COULD ESCAPE.

YOU THINK
YOU'RE SO SMART, DON'T YOU?

YOU'RE ACCUSING ME
OF LETTING YOUR DOG OUT?

YOU'RE ACCUSING HIM
OF BEING SMART?

LOOK, JULIE,
MAYBE HE'S JUST HIDING.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID,

I HAD A PET GERBIL
THAT GOT OUT.

MOM SAID
HE WAS JUST HIDING.

GUESS HE STILL IS.

FRIENDS FOREVER,
BUTTERSCOTCH.

YOU'RE SUCH A DELIGHT.

(Cheryl) Y-YOU KNOW, JULIE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I AM GONNA ORGANIZE
A NEIGHBORHOOD SEARCH.

DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL FIND TREVOR.

OH, THANK YOU, CHERYL.

MM.

WERE YOU BORN A JERK
OR DID YOU JUST

GO TO SOME
SPECIAL JERK SCHOOL?

NICE TRY, JULIE, BUT THAT'S
ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS

WHERE WHATEVER I PICK,
I'M STILL A JERK.

YOU HAVE A KEEN GRASP
OF THE OBVIOUS.

OH, MY DEAR TREVOR.

YOU ARE WITHOUT CONSCIENCE.

MY GOD!

CAN YOU BELIEVE HER?

YEAH.

WITHOUT QUESTION.

ABSOLUTELY.

WHAT?

ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
COME ON.

I WOULDN'T LET THAT DOG OUT.
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

OH, OF COURSE
YOU WOULDN'T, JIM.

HEY, MAYBE IT WAS

THE SAME "DAMN TEENAGERS"
WHO KNOCKED OVER HER MAILBOX

WHEN SHE INSULTED
YOUR NEW HAIRCUT.

COME ON, JIM, HOW'D YOU DO IT?
IT'S JUST US.

HOW'D YOU LURE THAT DOG OUT,
BACON IN YOUR POCKETS?

WELL, I DIDN'T DO IT!

SO IF WE CHECKED
YOUR POCKETS RIGHT NOW,

WE WOULDN'T FIND ANY BACON?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

HE'S JUST A POOR,
INNOCENT PUPPY.

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,
LISTEN UP!

JULIE'S DRIVIN' AROUND
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WE ARE GOIN' OUT ON FOOT.
OUR FUGITIVE'S NAME IS TREVOR.

HE ALSO RESPONDS
TO "TREVINATOR,"

"T-BONE,"
AND "WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?"

OH, AND... AND ALSO, UH,

WHILE YOU'RE OUT THERE,
IF YOU FIND

A LAVENDER CASHMERE GLOVE
THAT MATCHES THIS ONE,

I'D BE VERY GRATEFUL.

MOMMY, I KNOW HOW
WE CAN FIND TREVOR.

WE SHOULD ALL WALK BACKWARDS,
'CAUSE HE LIKES TO SMELL BUTTS.

OH, UH, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, HONEY.
OH, ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE.

WE ONLY GOT EIGHT HOURS
OF DAYLIGHT LEFT.

LET'S PLAN OUR SEARCH.

I'LL TAKE THE NORTH SIDE
OF MAPLE AND HEAD TO THE PARK.

GREAT, GREAT.
(all talking at once)

AND MY CAR'S IN THE FRONT.
WE CAN TAKE THAT. (talking stops)

WHAT?

A WIDOW'S DOG?

HOW DO YOU
SLEEP AT NIGHT?

MUCH BETTER NOW THAT
THAT STUPID DOG IS MISSIN'.

ALL RIGHT,
COME ON, COME ON.

UH, LOOK, I MAY HAVE DONE
SOME CRAZY THINGS

IN THIS FEUD WITH JULIE,
ALL RIGHT?

I MAY HAVE
PAINTED MY CURB RED

SO SHE DOESN'T PARK HER CAR
IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.

AND THEN WRITTEN
FAKE PARKING TICKETS,

PLACED 'EM ON JULIE'S CAR

SO SHE COULDN'T PARK
IN THAT "NO PARKING" ZONE.

(Jim) RIGHT...

AND I MAY HAVE PLANTED
CHICKEN BONES IN HER FRONT YARD

AND CALLED THE MUSEUM
AND HAD THEM

DIG UP THE YARD
FOR DINOSAURS,

BUT KNOW THIS...

I HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER

TO DO WITH TREVOR'S
DISAPPEARANCE.

I BELIEVE YOU, DADDY.

THANK YOU.
SEE THAT, HUH?

THIS CYNICAL WORLD HASN'T
CHANGED THIS 5-YEAR-OLD BOY.

NOW YOU HEAR ME.

I AM ASHAMED OF ALL OF YOU.
YOU SICKEN ME.

JEEZ, ANDY...
YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU
KNOW, I-I BLAMED THEM... MADE IT THEIR FAULT,

EVEN THOUGH YOU TOOK THE DOG.

I DIDN'T TAKE THE DOG.
I LOVE DOGS.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.
HE LOVES DOGS...

AND CHILDREN...

COME ON.

AND CéLINE DION!
COME ON!

DAMN THAT JULIE.

SHE'S GOT
THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD

TREATING ME LIKE I'M AN OSTRICH
FOR SOMETHIN' I DIDN'T EVEN DO.

OSTRICH?

AH, CHERYL'S WORD.
I DON'T KNOW.

OH, OSTRACIZED.

(dog barks)

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

(barking continues)

THAT SOUNDS LIKE TREVOR.

YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE
IT'S COMING FROM OUT BACK.

(barking continues) I WANNA
FIND HIM! I WANNA BE THE HERO!

NO, UNH! ANDY, OW!

ANDY, HEY...

I'M THE HERO,
YOU'RE THE SIDEKICK!

DAMN.

YOU'RE HIDIN' HIM IN THE GARAGE.
YOU MONSTER!

I DIDN'T TAKE THE DOG!
NOW STOP IT!

LOOK! LOOK, THERE'S TREVOR
RIGHT THERE!

HE WAS... HE WAS JUST THERE
IN THE WINDOW!

YEAH. GUILT PLAYS TRICKS
ON THE MIND, JIM.

YOU KNOW
WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN?

WHEN JULIE GETS HOME TODAY,
YOU NEED

TO MARCH RIGHT OVER THERE,
AND FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE

SAY, "I'M SORRY.
I'M A FOOLISH IDIOT."

OOH, THERE HE IS.

LOOK AT THAT.
HE WASN'T MISSIN' AT ALL.

JULIE'S HIDING HIM
IN HER HOUSE. (barks)

MY GOSH, JIM. WHY?

OOH.

WHY... INDEED?

JULIE CLAIMS
THE DOG IS MISSING...

YET, THERE HE SITS,

FRAMED BY YON WINDOWSILL.

(Jim) HMM.

A FRAME-UP.

OF COURSE!

HOLY DOG BONE, JIM,
SHE'S TRYING TO BURY YOU!

PRECISELY, CHUM.

OH, CAN YOU BELIEVE HER?

OH, LYIN' TO THE ENTIRE
NEIGHBORHOOD

JUST TO MAKE YOU LOOK BAD.
WHAT A DESPICABLE WOMAN.

WELL, ANDY...

SOME PEOPLE IN AMERICA
HAVE NO MORALS.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S BREAK INTO THE HOUSE
AND STEAL THE DOG.

BUT, GOSH, JIM, HOW?

WELL, WE'LL JUST USE

THIS COILED UP LENGTH OF ROPE
WITH A GRAPPLING HOOK ON IT...

CLIMB UP THE TREE.
YEAH.

OH! AAH!

UNH! OW!

SORRY, THERE, CHUM.

ONE MORE TIME.

OH!

ALL RIGHT,
LET ME DO IT.

GOOD SHOT, CHUM.

BOY, THIS TREE SEEMED
A LOT SHORTER FROM THE GROUND.

I KNOW.

ANDY...

YEAH, JIM?

YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO CLOSE.

ZZZ.

AH-CHOO!

OH!

UNH.
UNH.

HEY, JIM, LOOK...

UNH.

A LAVENDER CASHMERE GLOVE.

EH, JUST ONE.

EH.

(both grunting)

ANDY...

YEAH, TOO CLOSE AGAIN?

YEAH.

SORRY.

UNH.

UNH.

(tree creaks)

ANDY...

TELL ME THAT WAS
YOUR KNEE CRACKING.

I WAS HOPING IT WAS YOURS.

OH, OH, OH.

GRAVE SITUATION, ANDY.

OH!
OH! HOLY NEWTON'S LAW, JIM!

AAH!

(man) HAVE OUR FEARLESS DUO
GONE TOO FAR OUT ON A LIMB?

WILL JIM CONTINUE
TO BE DOGGED

BY THESE ALLEGATIONS,

OR IS IT THE PERFECT CRIME?

STAY TUNED...

SAME JIM TIME,
SAME JIM CHANNEL.

(both grunting)

WHEW.

GEE, HOW LUCKY WAS IT
THAT THAT TREE LIMB

WAS RIGHT OVER
A BIG PILE OF LEAVES?

YEAH,
AND CHERYL WAS MAD AT ME

BECAUSE I DIDN'T BAG THE LEAVES
AFTER I RAKED 'EM.

YEAH, I'M KINDA ANGRY
YOU DIDN'T TAKE THE RAKE IN.

YEAH.

WHEW. HOW'RE WE GONNA
GET IN THAT HOUSE?

WE NEED THAT DOG, MAN.

YEAH,
HOW'RE WE GONNA GET IN?

HEY, WHAT YOU GUYS DOIN'? WE'RE
TRYIN' TO GET INTO JULIE'S HOUSE.

WHY CAN'T UNCLE ANDY JUST CRAWL
THROUGH THE DOGGIE DOOR?

OH, RIGHT, IT'S A DOGGIE DOOR,
NOT A COW DOOR.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU CRAWL
THROUGH THE DOGGIE DOOR?

OKAY.
COME ON OVER HERE.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
WHEN YOU GET IN THE HOUSE...

(mumbles)
GET...

WHEN YOU GET IN THE HOUSE,

YOU UNLOCK THAT FRONT DOOR,
BUT IF YOU SEE TREVOR,

DON'T DO ANYTHING
WITH THE DOG.

BUT WHY? BECAUSE
THAT DOG IS AN ANIMAL,

AND YOU LEAVE THAT ANIMAL
TO THE MEN. (Gracie) OKAY.

(barking)

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
DOGS SMELL FEAR, SO SMILE.

(barking)

THERE YOU ARE, TREVOR.
WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?

WHO'S A PRETTY BOY?

THAT A GIRL, GRACIE.
YOU'RE SO BRAVE.

YOU'RE SO BRAVE.
YOU TAKE THE DOG.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON. GRAB
THE DOG. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

WHOA, JIM, CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT?

JULIE MUST BE A FAN
OF "THE GRUMPY GUY."

"GRUMPY GUY"?

YEAH, IT'S A SERIES
OF KIDS' BOOKS

WRITTEN BY THIS DUDE
C.W. SEMPLE

ABOUT A NICE FAMILY WHO LIVES
NEXT TO A CRANKY, GRUMPY MAN.

I LOVE THE GRUMPY GUY.

(Jim) "THE GRUMPY GUY
AND THE RED CURB."

"THE GRUMPY GUY
AND THE BIG BRANCH."

"THE GRUMPY GUY
AND HIS AWFUL BAND."

(gasps) JIM,
YOU'RE THE GRUMPY GUY.

AND JULIE IS C.W. SEMPLE.

"C.W.,"
THAT MAKES SENSE...

FOR "CRAZY WOMAN"!

(laughs)

WHO'S THIS?
WHO'S THIS MONKEY?

OH, THAT'S HIS PORTLY SIDEKICK
NAMED RANDY.

OH, MY GOD...

THAT MUST BE CHERYL.

ALL RIGHT. GRAB THESE BOOKS.
COME ON, TREVOR, LET'S GO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE THE GRUMPY GUY.

I MEAN, HOW COULD
I HAVE MISSED THE RESEMBLANCE?

PLEASE. THAT'S NOT ME.

THAT'S JUST A HIGHLY
FICTIONALIZED CHARACTER

LOOSELY BASED ON ME.

RIGHT. "THE GRUMPY GUY
AND THE HOMEMADE FIREWORKS."

OH. I FORGOT ABOUT THAT ONE.

UH-HUH.

(laughs)

SHE'S COMING.
JULIE'S COMING.

JIM, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN HER FACE

WHEN I TOLD HER
YOU FOUND TREVOR.

OH, A GOOD BUST
REALLY TURNS ME ON.

THANK YOU, ANDY.

(imitates Julie)
YOU'RE SUCH A DELIGHT.

(laughs)

(barks)
(normal voice) WHAT?

I TOLD YOU, I DON'T HAVE
ANY MORE COOKIES.

(barks)
WHAT?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY,
OKAY, OKAY.

HERE, HERE, HERE, I'LL
SPLIT IT WITH YOU. (growls)

NO, NO.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE THE WHOLE THING!
TAKE THE WHOLE THING!

UNH.

TREVOR! BABY!

COME TO MOMMY.
COME OVER HERE.

BOY, JULIE,
YOU MUST BE SO RELIEVED.

I BET YOU THOUGHT
YOU'D LOST TREVOR FOREVER.

OH, THANK YOU.

AND THANK YOU FOR TRIMMING
YOUR TETRAFOLIUM IMMASCULATIS.

THAT'S "TREE" TO YOU.

OH, I UNDERSTAND.
I SPEAK CATHOLIC.

COME, DARLING. WE'LL GO HOME
NOW. COME, COME HERE.

NOT SO FAST, JULIE.

DON'T YOU WANNA STICK AROUND
AND HEAR THE STORY

ABOUT HOW WE FOUND TREVOR?

NOT REALLY.

MAYBE BECAUSE
YOU ALREADY KNOW.

I DO?

IN THINK YOU DO.

THINKING NOW, ARE WE?

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?

ARE YOU PLAYING
CAT AND MOUSE WITH ME?

YES, BUT THIS TIME,
I'M THE CAT.

YOU FOOL.
I'M ALWAYS THE CAT.

WELL, CAT, MAYBE I SET
THE BAIT FOR YOU, AND YOU BIT...

OH, WILL YOU TWO
KNOCK IT OFF?!

THIS STUPID FEUD HAS BEEN
GOING ON LONG ENOUGH.

NOW, JULIE...
WHAT?

JIM DID NOT LET YOUR DOG OUT.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

YES, YES, WHAT IS GOIN' ON,
MR. C.W. SEMPLE?

♪ DUN, DUN, DUN ♪

OH. OH, I FEEL FAINT.
I MAY PASS OUT.

GO AHEAD.
NOBODY'S GONNA CATCH YOU.

OH, THEN I'M FINE.

I HAD THIS DEADLINE,
YOU SEE,

AND "THE GRUMPY GUY"
HADN'T THROWN

ANY TERRIBLE TANTRUMS
IN WEEKS.

SO IT IS ME...

AND, CHERYL, YOU'RE RANDY,
THE PORTLY SIDEKICK.

OH, SO, JULIE,

YOU'VE BEEN FIGHTING WITH JIM
ALL THESE YEARS

JUST TO GET STORIES
FOR YOUR BOOKS?

NO, I GENUINELY
DISLIKE HIM.

SO YOU WROTE THESE BOOKS
TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A JERK?

A JERK? I KNOW MY BOOKS

ARE A LITTLE ABOVE
YOUR READING LEVEL,

BUT "THE GRUMPY GUY"
IS MY HERO.

Y-YEAH, A-ACTUALLY,
RANDY'S THE JERK.

SORRY, CHERYL.

YEAH, I'M SORRY.

OH, JIM,
IT WOULD BE SO SAD

IF THERE WERE NO MORE
"GRUMPY GUY" BOOKS.

I'D MISS
OUR QUIXOTIC ADVENTURES.

YES, AND YOU'D MISS
THE SLOW ONES, TOO.

AND PEOPLE THINK
I MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

NO, I MEAN, IT... IT REALLY
DOESN'T HAVE TO END.

IT DOESN'T?
IT DOESN'T?

NO, I MEAN, JIM FIGHTS
WITH LOTS OF PEOPLE.

YOU COULD JUST FOLLOW HIM
AROUND AND TAKE NOTES.

I DON'T FIGHT WITH PEOPLE.

THEY ATTACK ME,
AND I DEFEND MYSELF.

RIGHT, RIGHT. OH, JIM,

DID I TELL YOU THAT DUTCH EGAN
TOOK HIS LAWN MOWER BACK?

I JUST PUT 2 BUCKS WORTH
OF GAS IN THAT DAMN MACHINE!

OH, DEAR,
I HOPE GRUMPY GUY

DOESN'T PUSH EGAN'S
LAWN MOWER...

INTO HIS POOL.

(inhales) THAT'S JUST
WHAT I'M GONNA DO...

AS SOON AS I GET THE GAS
OUT OF THAT TANK!

WAIT. NO, JIM,
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

DO YOU THINK THEY KNOW?

THEY DON'T
SUSPECT A THING.

OH.

PERFECT.