According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 9 - Poking the Bear - full transcript

Jim's doctor tells him the sperm count is still too low - to increase it, he should have orgasms only when trying to make a baby and avoid his loud outbursts. Difficult, when Dana and a difficult customer give him cause for outbur...

What's with
these doctors?

They're always
showing off
their diplomas.

I mean, it's like,
"Ooh, I finished college."

"Ooh, I completed
med school."

"Ooh, I really know
a good framer."

Jim, he's the best
fertility doctor in town.

And I find the diplomas

You know what I find
reassuring, Cheryl?

must wash hands."

Good morning.

Good morning,
Dr. Gibson.

Good morning, Doctor.
I'm Jim.

Yeah, Jim,
we met last time.

Yeah, I just thought
maybe you didn't
recognize me

with my pants on,
you know.

I looked at
your test results.


And it seems that
your sperm count
has increased.



That's because he stayed
away from alcohol and the
hot tub, just like you said.

I even gave up
the tighty-whiteys.

I'm riding commando
right now.

At ease, soldier.

You're really
doing great.

Ah, thanks.

But even so,
the numbers
are still

well below
where we would
like them.


I'm afraid you're
gonna need to
make a few


What else is there
to give up?

Jim, I'm talking about
frequency of activity.

I think that we know
what that means, Cheryl.

Wink, wink,
nudge, boing!

Yes, Jim, thank you
for speaking in code
in front of the doctor.

To maximize your chance
of getting pregnant,

I'm advising that you
refrain from...



Except during Cheryl's
ovulation window.

That's once a month.
That's impossible.

I mean, look at her!

And that should be
your only release.

Are you freakin'
kidding me?

I gave up the
booze, cigars,

hot tubs,
bicycle riding,

and now I can't do
what God built me for?

Jim, do you have this
kind of outburst often?

No, not really.

Okay, let me
ask you this,

How well do you
cope with stress?

Very well.
Whenever it
comes up,

I identify the
cause and I
yell at it!

Well, when you do that,

you raise
your blood

and release cortisone
into your blood stream.

Yeah, I like that stuff.
It helps me yell louder.

Jim, it's not good
for your count, all right?

You should do
whatever you can to avoid
any kind of outburst.

Well, you know
what that means.

A prescription
for no Dana.


What's a Dana?

Dana is my sister.
She's kind of sarcastic.

And Jim finds her
really, really annoying.


And she's single,
if you're interested.

A month without sex?
Honey, that's like...

A month
without sex!

Jim, I know it seems
difficult now,

but the time is
gonna fly by.


Is this a recent picture?
Because she is fine.

Yes, she is. She is.

Honey, honey, I know
you're not happy about this,

and neither am I,
but we both want
this baby, right?

Yes, yes.
No, I want
the baby.

I know.

It's so hard,
a month!

I know, sweetie.

All right, well, if
I'm not gonna release,

then you've got
to help me.


No more late-night
cable viewing.


You got to comb
the newspapers for,
you know,

bra advertisements.


And you keep
Laverne and Shirley
under wraps.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Guess who's got
great sperm?

Mel Gibson?

He's got like,
30 kids.

No, me.

Oh. Hey, got you
your favorite sandwich.

Oh, my God,
Italian beef?

Double dipped
with peppers?

Oh, I am starving.


So, it went well, huh?

Oh, yeah, it went great.

Yeah? Feeling fantastic?

Oh, I feel on
top of the world.

Great. Remember
that feeling, 'cause Max
is on his way over

with some stupid
change to the model.

Oh, man.

Will you remind me
why are we trying
to get this job again?

'Cause he's loaded,
and you love money.

Right, right.

God, of all days
for him to come.

Why? What?

My fertility
doctor said if
I get stressed,

I can't knock up
your sister.

I bet Mel Gibson could.




What, no strippers?

I guess you guys
don't want the job!


I'm kidding ya,
I'm kidding ya!
Come on!

I'm on a time crunch here,
so let me look
at the new model

and point out
the things you did wrong,

which is
just about everything.

Oh, thank you.

My... My...


This is good.
You should have one.

Uh, yeah...

I love the skylights.

Those are
air conditioning units.

Could they be skylights?

Max, Max, please,

this is the
third model we
built for you.

I know. My kids love
playing with them.

Which is why I'm close
to hiring you guys.

How close?

I'm as close
to hiring you guys

as you can be
to hiring you guys

without actually
hiring you guys.
I mean...

But I gotta run.

Good talking to you cats.

Uh, Max?

What exactly do you
want us to do
to make the model better?

Ha! See? Exactly.
Make the model better.

You're smart.

You okay?

Yeah! Come on.

I passed that test.

Hey, you want anything?
You want a coffee?

You want a donut?
Anything you want.

Uh, no, no, I'm good.

I'm just gonna start
on a new model for Max.


One, two, three...


So, I think we
can make the
skylights work

by moving the AC
units from here
down to over here.


I mean, my lovely children.

My young doves.

Uncle Andy and I
are trying to do
some work here.

Can you kindly
settle down?

We're sorry, Daddy.

It's okay, baby.
Thank you.



Nine, 10...



Okay, kids, kids, kids!


Daddy needs some quiet, okay?

Now, who wants to help Mommy
and Aunt Dana bake a cake?

I do!

All right.

Wow. And you guys wanna try
for a fourth kid?

Ha! If I were you,
I'd be looking
to sell one of them.


Cheryl, what are you
doing in here

wearing that sexy outfit?
You're driving me crazy!

Jim! It's a sweatshirt
and sweatpants.

Ponytail! Ponytail!

Oh, sorry! Sorry!
I'll take it out.


Do you want a pole
to do that on?

Is everything I do
sexy to you?

Oh, my God,
that voice.

Honey, honey, I know
it's difficult.

It's hard for me, too.

Yeah. Coming from the woman
who was in the shower
for 45 minutes this morning.

I was pumicing.

Whatever you want
to call it, Cheryl.


Honey, honey, honey,
why don't you guys

just go work
in the office, huh?

No, no, no. No.
We can't go to
the office.

Why not?

I told you, I can't
go to the office,

'cause Max always shows
up at the office

with some stupid idea
that he gets while he's
driving his stupid car,

and then we gotta
stupidly nod and...

Oh, my God, what kind
of perfume is that?

You are driving
me crazy!

It's a dryer sheet!
Calm down!

I am calm.
I'm trying to be calm.
It's very hard.

We haven't been able to do
the special monkey hug.

Welcome to my
world, Jim.

I haven't hugged
a monkey in a long time.

Look, honey,
I don't like this.

I haven't seen you
this stressed out about work
in a long time.

It's okay. Look, the money
that this job is gonna bring
in, this family can use.

Honey, we're fine. There is
absolutely no reason for you
to kill yourself over this.

Cheryl, think about it.

We're talking about
having a fourth child,

we got three bedrooms, and all
these kids are gonna go to
college. That's expensive!

Please. Gracie's
gonna be robbing
gas stations.

Best case scenario, she
gets caught and becomes
the state's problem


I'll get it.

All right,
maybe only three of them
are gonna go to college,

but it's still a
lot of money. I'm
a provider here.

Max, what are you
doing here?

Max! How
did you find out
where we live?

I got people
that know people.

You wanna know
where Oprah lives?

I'll give you
a little hint.

Nowhere near here,
that's for sure.

Gee. I'm Max.

Hey, I'm Jim's
wife, Cheryl.

Oh, wow!
Nice work.
She is...

Listen, you sneak me
some Polaroids,
I'll get them to Hefner.

Max, Max, Max,

Max, Max... What
do you need, Max?

Well, I'll tell
you what. I was out
driving around today,

and I think I came up
with a great idea.

Oh, let me guess.
We throw out
the skylights?

I love the skylights

for another building.

But I want you to put
a second floor on this one.

You can't understand...

No, honey, honey, honey,
a second floor means

more money,
which is good, right?


Money. Good.

CHERYL: Right.


See, the thing is,
I want to hire you guys,

but I gotta know you're
my kind of people,

you know what I mean?

Life is too short to work
with people you can't stand.

BOTH: You get used to it.

So, I was thinking
that maybe we could

hang out together,
you know,

and crack a few
cold ones.

How about Sunday?

Oh, Max,
I don't know.
Sunday is...

Sunday's really
for family.

Yeah. Family.
That's good.
Family is good.

You know, I got
two or three myself.

Well, that's
too bad,

because now I don't know
what I'm gonna do with these!

Bears-Green Bay tickets
at Lambeau Field?

50-yard line!
First class trip
on my luxury party bus!

Forget it!
You got the family!

Uh-uh, uh-uh,
I don't.

I'll die alone.

Me, too.

Hey, wait, wait.
What about us?

Bears trump
family, honey.

I forgot.
It's in our
wedding vows.


Well, then it's set.
I guess I'll see you guys
tomorrow morning 9:00 o'clock.

Yeah! All right!

9:00. Cool. Hey,
uh, uh, will brunch
be provided?

I get a bit peckish
around 11:00.

Yeah. Me, too.

That means
horny, right?


Then I got no
idea what you're
talking about, man.

What does he think
brunch means?

So, you guys are riding
on a luxury bus...

Yeah. Green Bay to watch
the Packers-Bears game?

And you're sitting
on the 50-yard line?


Why didn't you
get me a ticket?

Because I want to have fun.

Don't worry, sis.
I told Max

you're a big
Bears fan and
would love to come.

You did?

No, I want
to have fun, too.

You guys are jerks.

jerks with

All right, honey,
I found your foam finger.

No, Cheryl, Cheryl,
that, that,

that's the home
game finger.

That's not the
away game finger.
Ah, just forget it!

Honey, honey, honey.


You promised me
if you went on this trip,
you could stay calm.

Yeah, you know, Cheryl's
right. We all want
that fourth child.

I should go
in your place.

Cheryl, I'm gonna
remain calm.
I'm gonna be calm.

Come on, I'm gonna
be surrounded by a
bunch of Bears fans.

How much
more relaxing
can that be?


Jim? That's Max!


Let's begin our
journey on the luxury bus
that Dana won't be on.


Funny, funny!

♪ Bear down

♪ Chicago Bears

♪ Make every play

♪ Clear the way
to victory... ♪


MAX: I know what
you're thinking,

"Nice bus."


Did we get these
guys, or what?

grab the camera!
Grab the camera!

We got you
guys so good!

picture, picture! Ha!

BRIANNA: Say cheese.

Yeah, that
one's going on
the fridge!


You... You're
a cheesehead?

and proud of
it, buddy!

Everyone on this
bus has cheddar
in their veins!

ALL: Whoo!

Well, then why
did you invite us?

Because winning isn't fun
unless you can rub it
in someone's face!


You must feel
like crap.

Brianna, quick,
take another picture.

Yes, yes.

No! No more pictures.

Dana! Dana, what
are you doing?


I didn't
even smile!

Load up!

Christmas card.

Dana, don't
you dare!

This was
a setup!

I'm gonna find
out if this guy
really does bleed cheese.

No, no, no, no!
No, be cool, man!

What are you doing?

No, look at what
he just did to us,

making a fool out of us!

Come on! Shh!
I don't like this guy

any more than you do,
but we can't kill him
until we get the job.

Or I score
with one of
these babes.

At least the job's
a possibility.

Jim! Jim! You cannot
get on a bus with a
bunch of Packer fans.

Cheryl, I have to.

The doctor said
you need to stay
calm and not lose it.

I'm not going to
lose it, okay?

But five hours
on a bus full of
Packer fans!

Jim! You explode
after five minutes
in tight shoes!

Cheryl, I think I can
exercise a little bit
of self-control.

Okay? We haven't
had sex in weeks,

and I take a shower,
and I don't even pumice.

For God's
sake, I was
really pumicing!

That's all right,
as long as you were
thinking about me.

Max wants you
to get started.
Want a beer?

I'm not drinking beer
out of a Packers cozy,

unless there's
a kiss involved.

I carry mace.


And so the dance begins.

Jimmy, let's go!
Get on the bus! Come on!

Jim, I...
I don't
like this.

Maybe I can
go with you.

You know, Dana could
watch the kids.

I'm a big boy now.

I can handle this.

Let's go Packers!

No, no, no!

Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

You look so good.

You're a beautiful woman.

Let's go Packers!
Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

MAX: Come on,
Jimmy, let's go!

Let's go Packers!
Let's go Packers!
Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

Honey, thank you
for coming.

I'm telling you,
I would have been
fine by myself.

I know. I know,
but you've been doing

a lot of sacrificing
for the family,
and I can, too.

I'm just happy
I could be here for you.

Quit rubbing my leg!

Let's focus
on something else.

Close your eyes
and picture yourself
in a field of daisies.







Do daisies
look like boobs?


Then I'm not
in a field of daisies.


Bum-bum-bum, pa!

Bum-bum bum-
bum-bum, pa!

I carry mace.

And yet you haven't
used it. I'm seeing
green lights.


Jim! We just
crossed the
Wisconsin border,

so we're
officially in

Let's go Packers!

ALL: Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

Excuse me, folks?

Folks, I have an idea.

Let's sing a song
that has nothing
to do with sports, okay?

My kids
love this one.

Okay, here we go.

♪ Silly Sally,
what'd you do today?

♪ Silly Sally,
what'd you do today?

♪ Did you comb your
hair with a... ♪


Okay, okay,
and you'd think so,

but Sally is silly, so it
would be something weird.

A weird comb?

Let's go Packers!


Let's go Packers!

Yeah, Super Bowl
hat. Great.

I got an '85
Super Bowl hat.

Hey, Jim, can you
toss me a beer?


How's it going
with Brianna?

Not good. No.
Her eyes said yes, yes,

but her knee said,
"Take that, creepo!"


Just to eliminate
any confusion,

her mouth
said it, too.

I'm sorry, man.

Hey! There
you guys are.

You guys have been
great sports.
Haven't they, everybody?


I think they
deserve a cheer!

No, no.
No cheer.

We say Green,
you say Bay! Green!




We say Packers,
you say win! Packers!





Whoa! Whoa, whoa! I think
they look a little cold!

Maybe they need
some hats!

No hats. No, please.
We're fine.

Hats! Hats! Yeah!


I love me!

This sucks.

So, what, you're wearing
a cheesehead now? Jim!

How long are you
gonna keep this up?

Just until we
get the job.

Oh, oh! Forgot to tell you.
You already got the job.



Since when?

Well, I decided
last week.


Oh, yes, please.

Wait, last week?

What, last week?

You don't think I could
tell the difference

between an air conditioner
and a skylight? Come on!

So, wait a minute.
So, this whole exercise

on this bus ride
was just to make us
look like jackasses,

so you and your buddies
could have a good laugh?

A good laugh? We had
a million good laughs!


Jim, it's not worth it.

We'll try for a baby
next month.

Go on, release!




I'm not gonna blow up.

But you know what?
I have something to say.

And Andy here
is gonna say it
the way I mean it.

You are
some piece
of work.

You are
some piece
of work!


Nobody talks to
me like that.

Nobody talks to
him like that!

You know what?
If you're not
a stand-up guy,

then we don't want
to work for you anyway.

You know why?
Because I've made
a good living

without you
all these years,

and I'll continue
to make a good
living without you.

If you can't be
a stand-up guy...

Through the years...

You gotta keep 'em
shorter, Jim!

Just tell him
he's a piece of crap.

You, sir,
are a worthless
piece of crap.

I'm just speaking
for myself now.

Your pasta
salad sucks!

Wow. Anything else?

I don't know.
Are we good?

Spike the



Think that's
funny, huh?

Ha ha! It's great!
You guys are great!

You're weird cats,
but I love you, man!

You're my kind of people.


So, we still
have the job?

Of course you
have the job.

Let's start
Monday morning.

Bring the plans over.
Come on!

And by the way,
Brianna is a dude.

Come on, buddy.

You know, honey,
I think I know you,

and then
I don't know you.

That self-control
is very sexy.

Cheryl, you're waking up
the beast in the cellar.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, how about
this? Huh?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, that works.


You do not look sexy
at all in that!

You got to keep
that hat on.

Jim, Jim, Jim!
Got to get out of here!