According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Hunters - full transcript

Jim and Andy want to prove they have the manly hunt and kill instincts by going out to shoot their own turkey for Thanksgiving. Their plan backfires when Jim is chased and bitten by a 40-pound turkey.

Daddy, want to see
the picture I drew
for school

of the first Thanksgiving?

Sure. I got plenty
of time.

It's not like
I'm worried
about the breakfast

your mother slaved
over getting cold.

Would you give me a break?
I'm gonna be cooking
for eight hours on Thursday.

Honey, today's Tuesday.
You need two days'
rest to work eight hours?

Are they hiring
where you work?

Yeah, don't bother.
My boss only likes blondes.

Why are you

My picture?

Oh, your picture.
Yes, look at that.
That's sweet.

You got the pilgrim
shaking hands
with the Indian...

Watching TV.

It's a computer.

They're ordering
a turkey online.

Oh. Okay, I see that.
It's plugged into
Plymouth Rock.


Here's mine.


It's a lady Indian putting
her Thanksgiving groceries

in her minivan.


And that's Paris Hilton
looking down from her jet.

Jim, I'm thinking
you should buy a boat
with the college fund

'cause it don't look
like it's happening.

Give me some room.

Girls, the pilgrims
did not have everything
that we have today.

They had to grow
their own food.

They had to hunt
with bows and arrows.

They had to make
their own clothes,
kind of like strict hippies.

I'm glad we don't
have to do that now.

We'd starve to death.


No, we wouldn't.
Daddy would hunt
us a turkey.


Is that adorable?

What are you talking
about, adorable?

It's true.
I could do it.

Girls, when it comes
to getting food,

your dad's pretty much
useless, unless there's
a drive thru.

Don't listen to her.

She doesn't know
what she's
talking about.

If I had to,
I could go out there

and bag a turkey
like that.

Oh, really?
When have you ever hunted?

I bagged you,
didn't I?

And if you were any smaller,
I'd have to throw you back.


CHERYL: School bus.

All right, nice job,

Hey, have fun in prison.

Oh, Andy.

Love you. Love you.

Have a good day
at school, girls.
Love you to tears.

I can't believe you two!


I can't believe
you actually insinuated

in front of my children
that I could not
provide for them!

Honey! I just
said you weren't
a hunter.

I am a hunter!
I'm a natural born hunter!
I'm a caveman!

You could drop me off
in the middle of Antarctica,
and I would survive.

Cheryl, I know a guy.
We could do this.

Oh. Come on! The closest
you ever came to hunting

was when you poked
around in the grass
for a hot dog

that rolled off
the grill.

All I'm saying is, if I had
to do it, I could do it.

Actually, Jim, I know
a place where you can go
and hunt your own turkey.

I'm all ears.

It's just
across state line.

Yeah, yeah, they
stock the woods full
of wild turkeys

and supply you
with your own crossbow.


No, no, no, Jim!

You've never even used
a crossbow.

Cheryl, please.
I've seen Braveheart
three times.

I think I know
my way around
a crossbow, okay?

Okay, you're not seriously
thinking about...

I'm done thinking.
Forget it.

My primal instincts
have just kicked in.

Tomorrow, I hunt,
I feast,

then I breed.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Hey, it's nice to meet you.
We'll see you out there.

Hey, check out this hat
I got in the gift shop.

Can you believe
it was on sale?

You look like
Elmer Fudd.

Now, to entice a bird
within shooting range,

you want to make
a few soft clucks
on your turkey call.

Let's all try it


One last thing.
While you're hunting,

keep an eye out
for angry Pete,

the meanest, nastiest
bird in these woods.

Some say
he's just a legend.

Ah, he's no legend.

He's 40 pounds
of feathered fury, he is,

with 3-inch
flesh-ripping spurs,

and he likes to use them.


Andy, relax.
This old drunk's
just part of the show.

Who said that?

Is this just part
of the show?


Oh, good God!

Oh! Hey, you mind
closing the curtain there?

I'm starting to taste
my waffles again.

So remember, keep
an eye out
for angry Pete.


Why don't they put
an olive or a marble
in there or something?

All right, people,
find your hunting guides,
and let's head out.

These birds are happy
and free.

They ain't gonna
kill themselves.


Oh, this is stupid!


and gift shops

and old men
with patches.

You know what?
The cavemen never
hunted like this.

No, if we were real men,
we'd go out there
naked with clubs.

Hey, we'd all love to run
around the forest naked,

okay, but there are a lot
of hunters in those woods,

and parts of me
look like a turkey.

Besides, that angry Pete
seems kinda scary.

Not as scary
as what you
just told me.

You know what?


Let's ditch
these guys.

Let's go hunt
like real men.

I'll tell you
what we'll do.

We'll go out
there with them,

then you fall down
to the ground

you know, fake like
you had a heart attack.

And during the hubbub,
I'll sneak away.

And when
the paramedics come,

let 'em hit you once
with the paddles,

get up, say,
"Hey, thanks for
saving my life,"

and then sneak off
and try to find me.

Or we could just
go that way.


But you know what?
I wanna try
that plan some day.

You want to know which part
looks like a turkey?



Turkey fun fact
number 13, Jim.

The first meal eaten on
the moon by Neil Armstrong?

Roast turkey
in a foil packet.


Well, I guess we don't
need these crossbows.

'Cause you're gonna bore
the birds to death!

Oh, well, I'm sorry,
but I'm cold,

I'm tired,
and to top it all off,

later, I get to squat
over a mirror
and do a tick check.

Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you
were cold.

And a girl!

Why don't you just
prance on back

to your
little guide?

Did it ever occur to you
that they call them guides

because they guide you
to the birds?

Oh, shut up!

No, you shut up!

No, you shut up!
Shut your mouth right now!

You know what?

I really wish there
was an angry Pete

so he could slash me
to ribbons and put me
out of my misery!

You may get your wish.

Oh, no! I don't want
to die like this, Jim!
I want to live!

Just fire!

Go back to hell
where you came from!



Damn it, this sucks!

How did Braveheart
do it?


Come on!

Oh! Hold your fire, Jim!
Hold your fire!


It's not angry Pete.

It's a little bunny.

We almost killed
a poor, defenseless,
little bunny.

How, by throwing
candy at it?

I guess we could have
given it diabetes.

Sorry I lost it,

That's all right.

Look, these woods
can get to you.

Many a man has been known
to do weird things
out here in the woods.

You know what
I'm talking about!

Move. I got to go pee.

Fine. I'm gonna take me
a little candy break.

Nothing like a brush
with death

to put you in the mood
for fine English caramel.


Andy, will you
knock it off?

I'm trying to
focus here.



Andy, will you
stop it?


Andy, enough!



Get it! Andy!

Hey, honey!


What happened?
Did you get a turkey?

Yes, I did. I told you
I would, and I did.


You know, I got to confess,
I thought for sure one of you

would come home
with an arrow in your butt.


So, honey,
where's the turkey?

Well, Andy's got it.
He's bringing it.
And it's a beaut.

He's having it
cleaned right now

on their
onsite turkey
cleaning service.

It's gonna
look just like
a store-bought turkey.

Well, I got to say, honey,
I was wrong.


You really are a caveman.

That's right!
That's right!

Well, Fred and Barney
did good.

Come on, sit down.
Tell me all about it.

No, no, no, honey,
I don't want to
sit right now.

You know what?
I got all
this adrenaline

running through
my system
from hunting.

This hunter
is thirsty!
How about a beer!

Well, of course. Anything
for my big strong hunter.

I love ya.
I love ya.

Breeding later.

How about
some chips?

Hey, I'm not married
to you.

Fine. Get out.

What, you want
some dip, too?

Yeah. They rhyme
for a reason.

Chips, dip!
Chips, dip!
Chips, dip!



Well, my friend
we are good to go.

You got the turkey?

Yeah. And get this.
For free.

No kidding!

Yeah. All I had to
do was spend $100
on groceries.

There's just one thing,
and don't freak out.


The bird's frozen.


You got a frozen bird?
You got a frozen turkey?

What were you thinking?

Why do I even
bother saying,
"Don't freak out"?

Oh, look,
it's a butterball
holding a turkey.

Wow. How big is
that thing?

22 pounds.

Yeah, it's
plucked, cleaned,
and flash frozen

right there
at the place.

They freeze it just so
you can thaw it out again?


Because, you know...

It's Indiana. You know them.
They freeze everything.

Yep, basketball
and freezing stuff.

JIM AND ANDY: Hoosiers.


Okay, I'm gonna
get this thing
in the fridge.

Come on, Dana.

What do you want me to do?

I killed today.
Don't push me.


Maybe we should
do this every year.

Oh, I don't know, Cheryl.
It's kind of a pain
in the butt.

Hello, my son.

Daddy, I made you
a cow.

Oh, that's very ni...

Ahh! Moo!
Said the cow! Ahh!

Can we do a horsey ride?

No! Ahh! Neigh,
said the horse!

Neigh, said
the horse! Ahh!


Yes? Yes?

What's wrong?

I'm playing
with my boy!

Faster, horsey!

Ahh, no, not faster!
Oh, you're killing me!

You're killing me!
Get off me! Get off me!
Get off me! Get off me!

Get off me...


Kyle, honey, why
don't you give Daddy
a rest, okay?

Thanks, sweetie.

Okay, Jim,
what's wrong?

I don't know.

That kid gets
on my nerves.

You know, it
looks like you're
in a lot of pain.

Oh, really?

Is there something
you want to tell me?


Why do I think
that has something to do
with the explanation?



Cheryl! There is a pop-up
thermometer in the turkey!

He bought it
at a supermarket.
He's a big fat liar.


Okay, you want
to know the truth?

Here's the story.

And it's a good story.

We're driving.
We got the bird
in the car.

All of a sudden we run
into these creepy
hill people, right?

It was either
give them the bird,

or the toothless one
was gonna make a woman
out of Andy.

Right, Andy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
a woman.

And I wasn't in the mood
for that at all.

No, no, no, no.

He'll take
whatever he can get.
They're lying.

Jim, what happened
out there?

You want
the truth, right?
Okay, here it is.

I got shot in the ass
with an arrow.

By Andy!


Oh, my God,
I knew it, Cheryl!
You owe me 10 bucks.

Dana! Andy!

I mean, you should have
seen him out there,

goofing around.
Oh, Mr. Goofball.

"I'm having fun
with a crossbow."

How could you be
so irresponsible?

I'm irresponsible?

Yeah, you're a big clod
with a crossbow!

I'm not the one who
got shot in the butt
by a turkey!

Come again?

Yeah, yeah,
that's right.

Yeah, a turkey
pecked at his

and shot him
while he was peeing.


Wait, wait, stop it!


Okay, so you went into
the woods to shoot a turkey,

and... and...

And a turkey shot you?

Oh, my God,
this year I have so much
to be thankful for!

Yeah, go ahead,
laugh at my pain.

Very funny.

Well, I don't have to sit here
and watch you laugh.

Why, because you have
a booboo on your tushie?


Come on, Dana,
that's enough.

Jim's hurting.
Let's not make him
the butt of our jokes.

Yeah, just the kind
of lowbrow humor
I'd expect from you guys.



Ah, Jim, look out!
Here comes angry Pete!

Oh, poor baby.

Is the ice helping
with the soreness?

No, but you are.

Oh. You know, baby,
cheer up.

I'm making six potato dishes
for tomorrow night.

One of them is almost
all mayonnaise.

Cheryl, mayonnaise
is not gonna fix it
this time.

I know the turkey thing
didn't turn out
the way you wanted,

but we're still gonna have
a great Thanksgiving.

Andy picked out
a really nice bird.



Hey, anybody out there?

Come on,
it's hot in here!


Hiya, Jimmy!

It's me, angry Pete.

Look at you, the fearless
hunter of the woods.

How's your ass, pally?


From now on, loser,
get your turkeys
at the store

like the rest
of the housewives.

Meanwhile, I'll still be
strutting around those woods

waiting for a real man
to shoot me.


Ow, ow, ow! My neck.

I know what you are.

You're nothing but
a gas station hot dog

mixed with
pain medication.




Get your coat
and that stupid hat!
We're going hunting!

ANDY: I hate you!

Honey, we already
have a turkey.

Yes! We got
a store-bought turkey.

And you know who buys
store-bought turkeys?


No, losers!

Losers and failures!

You're not a loser
or a failure.

You're a good man,

and you take
great care of us.

I want to be
a caveman! Ow!

Why are we
doing this?

I can't explain it.

Mostly because it involves
a hallucination.

Come on!


He's on painkillers,
and we're going hunting.

If I don't make it back,
the stuff under my bed?

I'm just storing
for a friend.

Jim, I'm sorry.

I know you want
to keep going,

but you can't hunt
in the dark.

Besides, your hill people
story really creeped me out.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe
we actually got beat
by a turkey.

Jim, come on!

It's not just any turkey.
It's angry Pete.

You don't get your face
on an oven mitt
in the gift shop

unless you're a legend.

I know, but I really
thought we could do it.

Turns out I'm gonna be
just another modern man

eating a store-bought
turkey this Thanksgiving.

I want to be
a caveman!

(SIGHS) Well, I guess
angry Pete was right.


I don't know.
He was ragging on me
in the kitchen,

talking to me
about what a loser
and a failure I am.

Stupid turkey.

I hate him,
I hate him!


Jim, why don't you pull over
and let me do the driving?

I'm fine.

No, no, no,
you look a little tired.

I'm fine!

No, you're gonna kill us!

What are you doing?


What was that?

What was that?


Is that...

That's angry Pete!

I killed angry Pete!

Well, Jim, I think this was
more of a traffic accident
than a hunting victory.

Andy, I don't care
what you call it.

I came out here
to get angry Pete,
I bagged angry Pete!

Not so angry now,
are you, Pete?

I win! I win!

I'm a caveman!
I'm a caveman!


Okay, can we get
out of here?

I'm cold and I'm wet.

What the hell
happened to you?

That turkey scared
the hell out of me.

Let's just throw this
roadkill in the back
and get out of here.

No, no, no, no.
I'm not losing
this one.

Pete rides up front
with me.


Well, then where
am I riding?