According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 6 - Father-Daughter Dance - full transcript

Jim gets upset when Ruby stops giving him a goodbye kiss outside school. Cheryl explains that Ruby is going through a phase, and Jim tries to respect that. But when Ruby starts rebelling against him, he has to try really, really h...

Ah, grade school.
Really takes me back.

The spelling bees,
the book reports.

Pantsing kids
in the playground,

blowing up toilets.

it was a magical time.

Ok, girls, come on,
let's go.

Bye, Daddy.

Oh, my love.

My sweetheart,
you have fun today,
all right?

No pressure, princess,

but you better get
all A's like I did.

Bet you didn't
get one in gym.

Her evil's growing
stronger, Jim.
I can feel it.

Come on, baby,
let's go.

see that sign there?

Father-daughter dance
Saturday night.

Are you ready to boog-ay
and part-ay

with your daddy?

Could you please
not do that?

Oh, okay, we'll save it
for Saturday night.

All right, now give
your dad a big kiss,
because I got to go to work

and earn that money to put
you through public school.


Why not?

I just don't want to.

Come on, you always
kiss me good-bye.

I got to go.

I did not flunk gym.

I took an incomplete

because I didn't want
to wrestle with the boys.

I don't like man-sweat.

Get in the truck.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Dana, I need
you to taste these
low-carb brownies I made

and tell me
if you think Jim will
know the difference.


Not if you put
ice cream on it

and smother it
in chocolate sauce.

But deep-fry it first
just to make sure.

Hey, honey.
How was work?

My work was fine.

It's your work
that I'm worried about.

What did you do to Ruby?

What are you talking about?

She's moody, she's surly,
and her attitude stinks.

I didn't do anything.

I'm not the bad parent,

because I'm never
around here.

She would not kiss me
good-bye today at school.

And while we're at it,

Gracie's not
a day at the beach,

Will you guys
just calm down?

I am her daddy.
She's supposed to kiss me.

What's going on here?

Jim, there comes a time
in every woman's life

when they realize
you're creepy.

You know, there comes
a time in every woman's life

that they should go home
and get their own life.

Look, Jim, I know
what Ruby did hurts,

but, you know,
you just can't
take it personally.

That's easy for you to say.
She isn't your daughter.

Yeah, honey,
she kind of is.

Look, she's just being
a 9-year-old girl.

You know, she's right.
I read about this
in my parenting books.

It's the classic first step
towards independence.
It's very healthy.

But is it healthy for
a single, childless woman

to have parenting books?

Mom sends them to me, okay?

Just like she sends you
those Russian bride catalogs.

Yeah, but I don't use 'em
the way she wants me to.


You guys know what I mean
when I say that?

Look, Jim,
if it helps any,
it's not just you.

When I take her to the mall,
she's embarrassed to be
seen with me,

so she walks, like,
20 feet ahead.

All right, that's it.
That's the end of this era.

I'm going to go nip it
in the butt.

It's bud.
It's a gardening reference.

Oh, famous sayings
is always my Achilles tendon.

Ok, hey, honey,
come on, come on, sit down.

Sit down. I'm telling you,
it's perfectly normal.

I did the exact same thing
to my father.

Oh, and look where he is.
He's dead.

That had
nothing to do with me,
he was hit by a bus.

Yeah, or did he fling himself
in front of a bus because you
didn't kiss him good-bye?


All right, all right,
all right.

Well, what are we
supposed to do
with Ruby?

Okay, well,

sometimes the best
thing to nothing.


Yes, you need
to leave it alone.

Ruby's going through
a phase.

Oh, I know
all about those.

You remember that
summer fling I had
with Edith Anderson?

Yeah. What's it like
getting dumped by
a 75-year-old woman?

She didn't dump me.
She forgot who I was.

All right,
say I take your advice
and do nothing.

Well, I'm guessing
Ruby will just come around.

If she doesn't
kill me first.

Hey, look at it this way.

She'll get hers
when she has her own kids.


Yeah, yeah.

All right,
I guess I could
just take a deep breath

and just not let her
get to me, that's all.


Yeah, I mean, come on,
I'm the adult here, right?

Yes, you are. You are
a great, big adult.

Now would you go upstairs
and get Ruby for dinner?

Yeah, sure.

What's this, we're
throwing out brownies now?

They're low-carb.

Oh, carry on.

So what are you going to wear
to the dance Saturday night?

My dress is pink,
so don't wear pink.

Hey, Rube,
it's time for dinner.

What? I'm on the phone.

Well, I can see that,

but it's time
to hang up now. Come on.

Hold on.

No. I'm telling Ashley
something important.

I hear that,

but perhaps you can continue
your conversation
after we dine.

Can you just go away?

So, anyway, Madison says
she has some sparkly
nail polish,

so I'm going to trade her
my lips gloss...



Good-bye, Ashley.

You can't talk to me
like that.

I'm your father.
I'm not your Uncle Andy.

Well, you can't just
walk in here any time
you feel like it.

Since when?

Since I said.
This is my room!

Well, this is my house!

And therefore,
all the rooms are mine!

And another thing,

tomorrow you're going to
kiss me good-bye
at school again.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

You're not the boss of me!

I certainly am
the boss of you!

I put food
on the table.

I buy you those
Justin Timberwolf

So you're going to listen
to me, young lady,

and you're going to
start loving me.



I was going to buy you
a pony, but not now!

Goldfish for you,
young lady!

Ruby, aren't you going to
sit in your seat
next to Daddy?

No, I want to sit here now,
next to Uncle Andy.

If I could bottle
this charisma, I'd
be a millionaire.

What the hell's this?

I'm not sitting
next to Jim!

I did my time in this seat.
Now I'm not going back!



Hey, Ruby, watch it.

Uncle Andy steals food
off your plate.

Yeah, and toilet paper
from your apartment.

If you're going to spring
for the aloe stuff
you should lock it up.

Hey, what the hell
is this?

What's she doing
sitting next to me?
Where's Ruby?

Hey, I don't like it
any more than you do.

Ruby took my seat.

Oh. Ruby doesn't want to sit
next to Daddy, huh?

Well, okay, that's fine.

Could somebody please
pass the cheese?

Ruby, it's
right next to you.



That's okay. That's okay.
I'm not the boss of her
anymore, right, Ruby?


There it is again!

What the hell is that?
You teach her that?

All righty.

Well, I'm going to go
into the kitchen and talk,

and just so I don't
look crazy,

you want to join me, Jim?

This could be a long one.




When you went upstairs
to get Ruby for dinner,

did anything happen?

She started it.

Oh, God, what happened?

Well, I went up there,
and she became impossible.

I told her to knock it off,
and I ordered her to love me.

Jim! You know that
only works with Andy.

Cheryl, we have two different
kinds of parenting styles,
all right?

I'm a busy man.
I work all day.

I don't have time
to ride out a phase.

I told you, you need
to just leave it alone.

I tried to,
but you weren't there.

She called me a dumbass!

She what?

Well, you know,
with her eyes.

Look, Jim, I know this
isn't going to be easy,

but, really,
we just have
to ride this out.

Give her some time.

Yeah, time. Time. Right.

That's not going to
work for me.

I have a better idea.

Hey, hey, honey,
um, just for fun,

you want to
run that plan
by me real quick?

Cheryl, you're going to have
to watch and learn.

She wants to mess with me,
I can mess with her.

Okay, but just think
about this one thing.

Ruby makes a much better
9-year-old than you do.

We'll see.


Is it me,
or is this spaghetti
not her best effort?

It's better
than her brownies.

Well, well, well,

looks so delicious.

From here,
from where I'm sitting,

it's something else.

Hey, Gracie,
why don't you
come up here

and sit on Daddy's lap?


Because I love you.

Come on, sit on my lap.

Hey, Gracie, look at this.

You like the view?

Get used to it,

'cause one day
this could all be yours,

when in the future
you become head
of the family.

But I want to live underwater
with all the mermaids.

Yeah. I'd hitch your wagon
to that dream.

Jim, honey,
what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just loving
my daughter.

How about that?
How was your day today?

I made a house
out of macaroni.

Isn't that funny?

I build houses,
and I eat macaroni.

Appreciative laughter,
music to my ears.

Go ahead, baby, go ahead.

Okay, so my teacher took out
this huge box full of
different colored macaronis,

and I got to pick.
I picked a bunch
of orange ones. And then...

Orange. Orange.
What a great story!
Orange! (LAUGHS)

But I'm not done.

Oh, we can fill in
the blanks, honey.

Now give Daddy
a little kiss on the cheek.

I'll kiss you, Daddy.

Of course you will,
because I'm your father,
and it's cool, baby.

Come on up here
and sit on my lap, Son.

There's room
for two of us.

Yeah, at least.

Oh, Daddy.

Yes, my dear, my dove,

my young love?

I know
what you're doing,
and it's so lame!


And I'm not going
to that school dance
with you, either!


It's okay. Just relax.

Got to wait it out.

She doesn't want to miss
that dance.

Okay, get off my lap.
Off my lap.



It's 6:30. The dance
starts in half an hour.



You said that Ruby
would come around.

She hasn't,
so you need to go up there
and talk to her.

Cheryl, will you relax?

She's going to crack.
Believe me.

You know
what your problem is?

You don't understand
the female mind.

And you do?

Absolutely not.

No one does.
It's a bees' nest up there.

But I do understand
my daughter,

and she wants to go to that
father-daughter dance,
believe me.

Guess what?

I just came
from Ruby's room,

where she asked me
to do her hair...

For the dance!


Oh, my God,
what time is it?

Right o'clock.


Good thing Daddy didn't
forget to get a corsage.


You're an amateur.

Time for me
to put my suit on.

You know what?
I do understand children.

Maybe I should
write a book.

Maybe you should
read one first.

How droll. You must keep
your goldfish in stitches.

Wow! Look at you!

All ready for the dance?


Well, I'm going to put
my suit on.

I'll be down in a minute.

I'm not going with you.
I asked somebody else.


Look who's got
her sense of humor back.


Jim, what are you doing
out of bed?

Ruby said you were
really sick, and...

Why's everybody looking
at me so weird?

Ruby, what are you doing?

You're supposed to go
to this dance with Daddy.

Well, I want to go
with Uncle Andy.

Oh, Jim, I swear
I had no idea.

Oh, God, I hate
these awkward silences,

so I'm just going to talk
until someone
interrupts me...

Dana, shut up.

Thank you.

Come on, Uncle Andy.
I don't want to be late.

No, no, no, stop.

Nobody's going anywhere.


Well, it's obvious that
she wants to go to the dance
with her Uncle Andy.

Just let her go.

Jim, I can't...

Andy, take her to the dance.


It's this God-awful charisma.

All right.

Guess you should go
to the dance,

if that's what you want.

Is that what you want?





Well, at least the tradition
of Andy taking a relative

to the dance
is alive and well.



How you doing?

Oh, I'm not loving
being a parent right now.

Yeah, I've been there.

She dumped me for Andy!

Can you believe that?
That guy can't even dance.

Have you seen him dance?
It's a joke!

She wanted to go
with you.

Well, then why did she
pick Andy?

Why is she
pushing me away?

Because she's trying
to grow up.

She's trying to be
her own person.

Isn't that what you want?


No, I want my little girl
who says "I love you, Daddy"

and gives me
lots of kisses.

Oh, I know.

That will always
be a part of her.

It's just going to be a
little bit more on her terms.

No, not terms.

She's too young
for terms.

You know what the thing is,
Jim? I mean, she's going
to push.

She just needs to know
we're gonna be there.

Yeah. I don't get that.

Okay, what's the first thing
you do when you buy a belt?

Well, I bend over and tie my
shoes to make sure the belt
can take the strain.


But you don't really want it
to break, because you need it
to support you.

You're good, lady.


You are really good.

I'm the belt, right?



Hey, Ruby.

Hi, Ashley.

Where's your dad?

He's not here.

So who brought you?

Oh, uh,


Hey, Ruby,

come on out.

I hope you are programmed
to boo-gie!

That weird guy
knows your name.

You should tell
a chaperone.


What are you doing here?

Oh, I was, uh,
taking a walk in my suit,

and I heard some music,
so I thought I'd come in.

Well, it's going to be
a long night for you,

You know,
if you dumped that guy,
nobody would blame you.

I would, but he's my ride.

I got wheels, baby.

I'm here stag.

You can hang with me.
What do you say?



Can we dance while you
think about it?

I guess.

"I guess."

I'm not a very good
dancer, okay?

So if I step
on your toes,
you'll tell me?

It's okay. Uncle Andy
stepped on my back.

You know what, Ruby?

Look, if you don't want
to kiss me

when I drop you off
at school anymore,

or whatever, it's okay.


Is there any time that
it would be okay, though?


I guess you can kiss me
at bedtime, or when I'm sick.

Or when you come home
from work.

How about when
your friends are over?


What if they walk
in the other room?

Way too risky.

All right, I get it.

Ruby Tuesday,
look at you.

Do you know that you are
the most beautiful girl
here tonight?

Thank you, Daddy.

And you look so grown up.
You know why?

Because you kind of are.

Do you think I look 12?

Thirteen, easy.

Hey, Ruby, want to go hang out
at the snack table with me,
Beth, and Erin?

Well, I'm kind of
dancing with my dad.

No, no, no, no,
it's okay.

No, go ahead.

Look, we got
your whole life to dance.

Go ahead.

But just remember,
when you come back,

I'll still be here.

But, honey...

Bring me some cookies.


Ahh, you know, I've had
eight of those Jell-O shots.

I think they're
just Jell-O.

So, everything okay
with you and Rube?

Yeah, for now.

You see, I'm the belt.

And I'm also
the pair of pants, you see.

And then I bend over,
and, uh...

You know, you got to talk
to Cheryl about this.

All I know is, from now on
I got to really work hard

at not embarrassing
the little girl.

I hear that, my friend.


Let's kick this pig!


Let's bump butts!

Down low!

Up high!

Turn around!

Is this too much?

Not enough.