According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 5 - Dress to Kill Me - full transcript

Jim is unnerved by Kyle's choice of Halloween costume: Cinderella.


Yes, my son?

What color is God?


That's why America
put the blue in the flag.

What are you drawing?

A picture of me and God
playing soccer.

Oh, that's cute, honey.

But God doesn't play
soccer. He plays football.

Who's that?

That's God's best
friend Mike Ditka.

JIM: Oh, baby!

All right, kids,

you get whatever
costume you want. Go on.

ALL: Yay!

Under three dollars.

You can't get a
costume for three dollars.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Here, look at this.

I'm a sheriff! Look
at my shiny tin star.

Oh! And it only cost me...

Five bucks?

Yeah, well, not if it's broken.

Give me that!

Oh, Jim, look, an electronic
talking Gollum head.

We must haves it!
We must haves it!

Come on, you're
creeping me out. Stop it.

Why does it hurts us?

Stop it!

Oh, I hate this. I never
know what to wear.

Dana, do we really
have to do this?


It's Halloween. You
don't have a boyfriend.

You know you're gonna
show the goods.


Yeah, yeah, you're thinking French
maid, go-go dancer, or cheerleader.

It's Catwoman.

I wore it in the shower,
and now it fits purrfect.

What did Mom do to you?

JIM: Hey, Cheryl,
check it out.

I got a giant ass.

again, who am I to talk?

I don't know, Andy. Should we
be two guys with giant asses?

I don't know, Jim.
It's almost too clever.


We need something that rocks.

Hey, I got it. Why
don't we go as Kiss?

Yeah, I'll be Gene Simmons,
and you'll be Paul Stanley.

Liking it...
No, loving it.

Yes, yes. I'll do
the tongue thing

and I'll blow fire
and I'll spit blood.

What do I do?

You throw a sock in your pants

and enjoy being the second
most popular guy in the band.

BOTH: Sweet.

Daddy, look at our costumes.
I'm gonna be a cowgirl.

Wow, look at that.
And on sale.


I am going to be Lady Liberty.

Look at you.

I'm Cinderella.


I'll be at the bar.

What bar?
Any bar.

Here. I can't really
enjoy this now.

Is Daddy gonna be okay?

Yes, honey.

Yeah, he didn't talk
the whole way home,

even when that lady
showed him the bad finger.

I told you, she was just waving.

She thinks Daddy's name
is Richard,

because she kept calling him...

Okay! Who wants
a snack, huh?

I think Mama may have left
some cookies in the kitchen.

All right, you guys,
remember, just take one.

Thank you.

Okay, Jim.

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

Don't worry about it.
It's a Halloween costume.

It's a dress.

And I can't believe that I stood
there and watched you buy a dress

for my only son!

Well, technically, you were on
time-out in the car at that point.

Honey, we told him, get
whatever costume you want.

Why Cinderella?

He has two sisters. He
watches that video with them.

The video.

What are you doing?

No more tapes.
Tapes make girls.


Look at this.
Free To Be... You And Me.

Not anymore.


Here. Cinderella.

I can't believe you keep
this garbage in the house

while you make me hide my
tapes in the upstairs closet.

Yeah, Jim, we're all really fooled
by that big box marked "Tax returns."

Well, I'm throwing them out.

What? No, no,
the girls love this.

That's my point, Cheryl.
The girls. Exactly.

My boy hangs out
with all the girls.

You, Ruby, the
little one... Gracie.


You girls are very cliquish.

In order to feel like
he's in the in crowd,

he's gotta put on a dress!

Oh! Would you rather
he picked a violent costume

like a killer ninja or
a soldier with a machine gun?

I would be very proud of my son

if he were to honor our
brave men in uniform

or the killer ninjas!

Oh, okay, you know what?

You know what?
I get it. I get it.

You're worried that if he puts on a
dress, he's gonna turn out to be gay.

No, Cheryl.

Wrong, Cheryl.
Yeah, well...

If he turns out to be gay,

there's nothing
I can do about it.

But I can still raise
him to be a man,

and men don't wear dresses!

Oh, come on.

You know, Dana and I put Andy in girl's
clothes all the time, and he turned out...

Anyway, it's not a big deal.


Hey, hey, hey! Okay,
okay, hey, hey, hey! Kyle!

Come on, honey, you know
you have to play nice, right?

No monsters, no chasing.

Yes, Mommy.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't listen to her.

You listen to me, okay?

You, you hunt
those girls down, okay?

You catch those girls,

and you stick boogers
all over their face!

You understand me?

That a boy.
Go get 'em!


And sometimes
they hide in the dryer.



I finally see what
the problem is.


Yes, you.

Cheryl, come on, you're
not letting the boy be a boy.

You tell him, "Kyle, no yelling.

"Kyle, no running.

"Kyle, watch Oprah with me.
It's about diets."


Yes. What are you talking about?

Just 'cause I don't want
him to terrorize his sisters?

Cheryl, that's what boys do.

And when they grow up,
they play sports,

and they hit each other for fun

and throw big things off
the roof for no reason at all.

Is that what happened
to that watermelon?

No, Cheryl, we blew that
up with illegal fireworks.


Why? Because we're men.

And we had illegal fireworks.

Yeah, honey, you're
an excellent male role model.

I can't believe I didn't pick
up on what you've been doing.


You let these little
girls paint his toenails.

You ask him to bake
cookies with you.

He loves that!

What do you mean... (GASPS) I
even got him his own little apron.

It's so cute.

Cheryl, that is
not cute! Yes, it is.

No, that is sick!

Cheryl, you have
one job as a mother.

Keep the girls off the pole
and the boy out of a dress.

Is that so hard?

Now I'm gonna go
upstairs, drink,

and go over some tax returns.


KIDS: Trick or treat.

Wow, what do we have here?

A soldier, a monkey, and...

Warren G. Harding.

I presided over the
Teapot Dome Scandal.

Well, I hope you don't
veto my lollipop.

All right, why don't you guys put this
on the porch, 'cause we're gonna go out,

so we're gonna use
the honor system.

Yeah, the honor system.

That always works.

Excuse me. Hi.


Yeah, kid, like I'm dating
10-year-olds these days.

I have an older brother.

How old? Never mind.
Just beat it, kid.

So, what do you think? I'm
a little worried it's kinda too...


I was gonna say shiny, but okay.

Oh, you guys look so adorable.

We should take some pictures.

Yeah, we already did.


Okay, great, well, I guess I'll
just remember how I look in this.

Okay, I'm gonna go use
the litter box before we go.

Hey, ooh.
Whoa! Yes!

Wow, look at you.

Remind me later to
turn my head and cough.

Oh, hey, come on in, come on in.


JIM: Look at that, huh?

Isn't it nice?

We all went to the store,

and obviously, under
a man's tutelage,

Kyle picked a great costume.

Not cheap, by the way.

Hey, show her
what a T. rex does.


The kid.


Oh, wow!
That a boy!

And how about this?

On the way home he let one rip,

and he yelled,
"Fire in the hole!"

I think we're back on track.

Wow, yeah, but, honey, why did
you get him a girl T. rex costume?

I'm kidding!

Cheryl, nobody likes
a funny nurse.

Well, honey, you look great.

And if he's happy, I'm
happy. Come on, girls.

Honey, I'm taking them
to their school party,

so we're meeting in front
of the Miller's in an hour.


Okay, Miller. All
right, Dana, let's go.


Is it me, or am I looking
extra hot tonight?

You're gonna turn
some heads, honey.

Come on, young man, let's go.

Hello, Chicago!

Are you ready to rock
and roll all night? Whoo!

Are you all right?

You all right?


Fix your sock, would you?

Oh. Thanks.

Ah, man.

I used two cans of talcum
powder to fit in these pants.

Yeah. I know
how you feel.

These are really tight, too.

If I spot a dollar on the ground, bend over
to get it, all hell's gonna break loose.

Come on, my little T. rex,
let's go trick-or-treating!

Hee hee! Halloween, baby! Yeah!

We're gonna rock and roll
all night and part of every day.

Did you say "part of every day"?

Yeah, those are the lyrics.

"Rock and roll all night
and part of every day."

So you're telling me Kiss

sets aside part of every day

not to rock and roll?


(STAMMERING) where's
the dinosaur outfit?

I want to be Cinderella.

Ooh... No, no, Kyle, no,
you can't be Cinderella.

Don't you remember I went to the
store and bought you a dinosaur outfit

because that's what you wanted when we could
have gotten a perfectly fine zombie mask

for half the price?

I like Cinderella.

What do you mean,
you like Cinderella?

Cinderella doesn't spit fire.

Cinderella doesn't eat Tokyo.

Actually, that's Godzilla.


Kyle, Daddy would prefer it
if you went upstairs

and put your dinosaur outfit on.


Cinderella is a girl!

Cinderella! Cinderella!

All right, now you either go upstairs
and put your dinosaur outfit on

and we can go trick-or-treating,

or you stay in that dress and
we stay home. Your choice.

Stay home.



You want to play
that game, I can play.

I'm a player!

Oh, come on, guys.

I painted my chest hair black and
shoved Jim's socks down my pants.

If I don't end the night with a pillowcase
full of candy, someone's gonna freakin' pay!



I got it.
Don't get up.

At least someone's
trick-or-treating tonight.

Oh, Star Wars, huh?


First of all, you're a Jedi
with a red lightsaber,

which was only
used by the dark side.

Secondly, that's
a Mace Windu tunic

with Anakin's signature
brown trousers.

You're a fraud.

These are not the
candies you're looking for.

Move along.

Come on, you guys, I don't
want to stay here all night.

This body was built by candy,
and they're giving it away out there.

All right, that's it.

You go upstairs right now, and
you put that dinosaur outfit on.


You like candy?


What kind do you like?



You know, I did not know that.

You know, this neighborhood
is lousy with chocolate.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Kyle.
The Egans next door?

They have a swimming
pool full of chocolate.

And their Jacuzzi
is full of marshmallows.

You're a liar!

You're a liar!

Fine. You know what?
I don't need to stay here.

He's not my kid.

I'm gonna go
trick-or-treating on my own.

Actually, without the kid I'm just a
creepy old guy with a sock in my pants.

All right, I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this,

but I'm gonna have to
call the Halloween police.

That's right, Kyle.

What you're doing is illegal.

And they're not
gonna arrest you.

No, they're gonna come
and take Daddy away.

Is that what you want?

I want to be Cinderella!

All right! That's it. I need
a break. You want a beer?

Nah, drinking makes me sweat, and the talcum
powder in these pants is gonna cake up.

See if you can get Cinderella
to take that dress off.

If I do, it'll be the first time I
ever got anyone out of a dress.


So, this is how you turn out?

Yep. I never take the dress off again,
I have no confidence with women,

everybody hates me.

I knew it!

Dad, I'm kidding.

I'm four. Why are you getting
so bent out of shape?

Because you're a boy, and
boys don't wear dresses.

Mom says it's okay.

Yeah, let me tell you
something about your mom.

Okay, I mean, your mom
is a wonderful woman,

and I really love her,
but she is a woman.

And women sometimes
send some crazy messages.

Like "Your sleeve
is not a Kleenex."


I'm damn lucky you're here
to set me straight.

I know! That's what I've
been telling your mother!

Well, you know, I'm a figment of your
imagination, so it makes sense that we'd agree.

Touche, self.

Look, Kyle,

I've got one job as a father,
and that's to make you a man.

And I don't want to see
you get pushed around.

I won't.

But if you put on a dress, they're
gonna push you around a lot.

I know.

Yeah, but are you strong
enough to push back?

I mean, it's pretty
scary out there.

Well, I've been scared before.


Well, one night when I was
two, I thought you might eat me.

Well, keep your fingers off my
plate, and you won't have to worry.

How do I know you're
gonna be strong enough?


I'm out there on that couch
right now standing up to you,

aren't I?

Well, that's true.

So can we go trick-or-treating?

I don't know, Kyle. It's
gonna be so brutal out there.

Yeah, but you're my dad.

You got my back, right?




KIDS: Trick or treat!



What, you've never seen Cinderella
and his ugly stepsisters before?

Walk proud, men.

We are as God made
us. Walk proud.

Damn heels.

All right, girls, go ahead.

Hey, don't forget
to say "Thank you."

Hey, Dad, there she is.

"Me-ow" is right.

Good call, Son.

I haven't been fixed yet.

Ooh, wow, this is...

They are something.

They're winning this year.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Hey, sailor, watch
where you're grabbing!

You know, that's the third
time you've been groped tonight.


Oh, my God.

You went from Kiss to Cher.

Well, look, if my son
is gonna put on a dress,

I gotta have his back.

Hey, I like that color.
It's slimming.

I like your outfit, too. I guess
skank was on back order.

That's funny.
So when are you due?

All right, bring it.

JIM: Hey, hey, hey,
come on, come on!

Hey, do you mind
taking this one?

Come on, Kyle.

MAN: Hey, nice rack.

BOTH: Thank you.


What happened to the dinosaur?

Well, he changed his mind.

Come on, he's four years old.

Will you just let it go, Cheryl?

(CHUCKLES) So you're
okay with it?

Well, I wouldn't have put a
bra on if I wasn't okay with it.

I don't know if I ever told you,

but you make a beautiful bride.

Oh, yeah?

And a hell of a father.

You make a hot nurse.

Oh, honey, I don't
think I can flirt with you.

You're wearing my Great
Aunt Bertha's wedding dress.

I'm not wearing underwear.

You're not wearing underwear
but you're wearing a bra?

Makes me feel pretty.


MAN: Hey, nice rack.


Thank you.


Thank you.





Can I help you?

Yeah! We're, like, your
daughters, Gracie and Ruby.


Except we're all grown up now.


Bye, Daddy. We gotta
go dance on poles

while men throw money at us!


No, no! No!


No more dance lessons
for the girls.

Jim, chili dogs give
you stripper dreams.