According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 26 - The Scrapbook - full transcript

Jim actually remembers his and Cheryl's anniversary - but Cheryl didn't! Improvising, she gives him the photo album that covers years worth of memories. They start reminiscing.

Oh, Andy, I am so excited
for Cheryl to see this.

(LAUGHS)

I don't know
what's more shocking,

that you remembered
your anniversary,

or that you didn't
just buy a gift

at the gas station
on the way home.

Andy, you can only
get away with that once.

Cheryl, for once,
let me be the first to say,

happy anniversary.

Oh, my God!
You remembered!

Yeah, yeah.



How'd you fit five sticks of
beef jerky in that little box?

Ready?

(GASPS)

Oh, honey, I'm...

I'm speechless.

Yeah.

Thank you!
Oh, you're welcome.

So, where's mine?

In the driveway or the bedroom?

(LAUGHS)
Not even close.

No, huh?

Dana, you want
to help me with dinner?

Sure.
Okay.

You think she knows
how much that cost?



She will in a second.

I left the price tag on the box.

Nice.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Jim remembered our
anniversary, and I didn't!

Eh, so you did one bad thing.

Jim's still ahead by 8,694.

There's no way I can go
out there without a present.

Oh!

I can't believe I
forgot our anniversary.

I can't believe
you're still having them.

JIM: Oh, baby.

Hey, honey, here you go.

It's not diamonds,
but it is from the heart.

Happy anniversary.

Oh! Wow.

This is all for me?

Mmm, just for you.

Wow, look at this!

Uh-huh!

There I am.

I used to be so thin.

That's Cheryl.

Oh, well, we have
similar features,

and I own the same top.

Oh, look at Kyle.

He's so cute
in his little stroller.

(LAUGHS)

Whatever happened
to that stroller?

You know, I've seen
Cheryl do this before.

She just presses a button,

and the whole thing collapses.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I think I heard a click.

That was my knee.
Oh.

(GRUNTS)

You want to get the door?

Look at Gracie in
her first ballet recital.

Yeah.
She was awful.

Yeah. Yeah, we're not
the most graceful family.

Well...

Oh, I remember
my first dance recital.

I was nine,
and I danced Giselle.

I could have been
a professional.

Oh!

See?
I can do anything.

Yay!
Yay!

CHERYL: Hey,
what's going on down there?

JIM: Outside!

Yeah. And the tickets
were just great.

Yeah, well, anyway...
Thank you. Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Hey!

I'm sorry!
I'm fine.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

JIM: Give it to me,
baby, give it to me!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Dude, hit me high! Ow!

CHERYL: Are you gonna fix
that bathroom door today?

Yeah, I'm gonna do
a little research.

3:00 class, let's move.

(SCREAMING)

Andy!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTING)

How do babies do this?

Cheryl, you look
so hot in this one.

What? We were camping.

I had just finished
gutting a fish.

That's my wife,

hard on a bass
and easy on the eyes.

(LAUGHING) Oh.

Cheryl, what are you doing in
here wearing that sexy outfit?

You're driving me crazy!

Jim, it's a sweatshirt
and sweat pants.

Ponytail, ponytail!

Oh, sorry, sorry.
I'll take it out.

Cheryl...

Do you want a pole
to do that on?

Cheryl...

You are making me very angry...

And very hot.

(LAUGHS)

Jim, this is
our children's room,

and my mother
is right down the hall.

Oh, keep talking, keep
talking, keep talking.

You took her to the ballet?

Yeah, I wanted her
to think I was cultured,

so I could tune in
Tokyo, you know?

Honey, can I talk to you in the
other room for just a second?

No, I'm not going
in the other room with you

to talk,

so you can appeal
to my emotions.

No way, I'm smarter than that.

I'm the mood for a quickie.

I know you're lying.

Am I?

I can't be 100% sure.
Come on.

To show you how much I love you,

I'm giving you
a special present.

Yes!

No, Jim.
No, no, no, no, Jim.

Some guys can have sex
when they're upset.

I am one of those guys.

Where's Cheryl?

In the bedroom.

Yes!

Okay, okay, here, here, here.

Girls, Aunt Dana is gonna
take you out for some ice cream.

Come on, go, go,
go, go, go, go! What?

I need some alone time
with your sister.

Oh, my God, girls, let's go!
Move, move, move!

You want to have sex?

Yeah.

(SIGHS)
That's good to know.

Wow, 14 years.

Yeah.

How have you put up
with me for so long?

Oh, honey.

The truth is, I'm just too tired
to start over with anyone new.

(LAUGHS)

What's that?

Well, I guess this as good
a time to tell you as any.

This is a book.

Didn't you ever do
anything perfect?

I married you.

I'm kidding.

That is a cheap shot, Cheryl.

I am storing that one.

Oh, you mean where
your hair used to be?

Come on, there is
a fire in this belly.

Yeah, and good luck
putting that out.

Hey, Cheryl, you've got to
make one of those for us.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Stop it!
Okay, I'll stop it.

Cheryl, see, this is why
better-looking guys didn't marry you.

Wow, look at Ruby
dressed up as a lady pilgrim.

Oh.

Oh, we have had some
wonderful Thanksgivings. Huh?

Yeah, some pretty
weird ones, too. Yeah.

DANA: Okay, it's
the first Thanksgiving.

And you turn to the
pilgrims, and you sing...

BOTH:
♪ Corn and fish

♪ Corn and fish

♪ We have brought
our favorite dish ♪

Welcome to the new world.

Please don't kill us
and steal our land.

Uh...

Wait. Where did you
get that from, Gracie?

Uncle Andy put it in.

He said we had to send
a message to Whitey.

Whitey?

Nothing like a brush with death

to put you in the mood
for fine English caramel.

(GOBBLING)

Uh...

JIM: Andy,
will you stop it?

(GRUNTS)

(GOBBLING)

Andy, enough!

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Hey, no fair,

Dana's in twice
as many pictures as me.

That's 'cause you take up
twice as much of the frame.

Ow!
Hey, hey, hey!

All right, you guys, can we
just act like adults for once?

Sure.

(SCREAMS)

I'll give you five bucks

if you touch that lady's hair.

Five bucks?

Five bucks, just to touch it?

Do you feel my hand on
the top of your underwear?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Yeah.

Well, how would you feel

if I pulled it up
over your head?

(LAUGHS)

You wouldn't dare,
not in a public place.

(PANTING)

All right!

(SCREAMS)
Oh, God, no! No!

Tell me!
I don't know anything!

(HAWKING)
(SCREAMS) All right!

Ooh, I want this big one here.

No, that one's mine.

Oh, really?
We'll see about that.

(SPITS)

Well played.

By the way, I've been spitting
in your coffee the entire cruise.

Please, I knew you'd do that,

so I've been switching
it with your coffee.

Damn it!
I drank my own spit.

I drank my own spit!

(LAUGHING)

Daddy, can you play with us?

Well, we're in a room
together. The TV's not on.

That's playing.

You know what used to help
me with numbers and stuff

is like a rhyme or a song
or something like that.

Give me a beat.
Give me a beat.

(BEAT-BOXING)

♪ My name is 18
And I'm two times nine

♪ Man, I'm doing fine

♪ I really want
to get up to heaven

♪ Three times nine
is twenty... ♪

Eleven!
No!

No!

Come here, sweetheart,
let me help you here.

Here, yeah, just pick it up.

And you just let it go!

Now remember, if you
do a good job at the game,

I'm gonna give you
a whole dollar!

Can I get a lollipop, too?

All right.

But it's gonna come
out of your dollar.

Take off your snow clothes.

Come here, Kyle, let me
take off your coat here.

Okay, girls, back to the park.

And as always,
not a word to your mother.

I just made brownies.
Who wants to lick the bowl?

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey!

Don't worry,
I saved you the beaters.

Just don't make a mess.

When have we ever made a mess?

Please!

Will you take it easy?

(FLUSHING)
(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my God, it's gone!

I'll get you a new one.

It's a $300 beard.

I'm not gonna pay $300.

Overflow!
Overflow!

Okay, turn off
the water! Hold on.

It's not moving.
It's not moving!

Okay. All right,
I'm out of here.

No, don't leave me!

I can't have Crannis
find me here.

Oh, my gosh!

(GRUNTS)

Give me a hand!
Give me a hand!

Give me a hand!

Don't touch me there.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Coming!

(SCREAMS)

I'd give it a minute.

I did some pretty lethal
food combining tonight.

Hold it! Hold it!

I got it.
Here, here, here!

(SCREAMS)

You ass!

There are children here.
Watch your mouth.

Jim!

(JIM SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, Andy!

Jim!
Get me off this thing!

Andy! Andy!

Hey! Ow!

(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

Thought you guys might
want some napkins.

Oh, my God.

Bears have better table
manners than you two.

Come on. Hey, be
nice, it's his anniversary.

When am I not nice?

Please!
Please!

Aunt Dana, will you
ever have a baby?

Oh, of course I will, sweetie.

But what if you don't?

What did I just say?
Now get off my back.

Hey, Jim, why don't you
lie down on the couch?

We can pretend
it's your funeral.

Oh, no, we can't!

There's too many people here.

You have the luxury
of being yourself

because you married beneath you!

No offense, Jim.

None taken.
I married up.

I love our bed. I don't want
to give up our mattress.

To be fair, she's already
given up her career,

her ambition, and her dignity.

I would never do that!
(LAUGHS)

I know, because you're not fun.

That is a lousy thing to say.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you knew.

Oh, this book is...

(JIM READING)

(ANDY READING)

She made this
for my mom, not you!

Mmm-hmm. Ha, she
forgot our anniversary!

Yes!

I told you one day she
would finally screw up!

You're right again.

Yeah, you know more about
women than anyone else.

Yes, I have a master's
degree in chick-ology.

It's not a natural thing
for men to get married!

It just isn't!

I mean, you know, it's the
cavewomen that came up with that

because they didn't know
how to start fires, you see.

That's the truth.

And then man created
the wheel to get away.

There's not one thing in this
room that I've picked, not one thing!

Look, anything there? No.
Anything here? No. Look.

Bonsai tree, yours.

Dust ruffle, yours.

Duvet, yours.

And the fact that I even know
those words makes my skin crawl!

Come on,
you girls have everything!

You do!
You're better looking.

You give birth.
You run companies!

You run countries!
You can talk better than us!

You're smarter than us!
You've got everything!

You're even killing
your own bugs now.

Come on, all we got is we
lift heavy objects and sports!

We have sports.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
you got sports.

You can have
your synchronized swimming

and that thing in the Olympics

where they, you know,
dance around

with a ribbon on a stick.

Which, by the way,
is not a sport.

What do you mean,
it's not a sport?

Well, call Vegas,
put a bet on it!

And women sometimes send
some crazy messages.

Like your sleeve
is not a Kleenex.

Exactly!

I'm damn lucky you're
here to set me straight.

I know! That's what I've
been telling your mother!

Every time I screw up,
we have to sit down

and have one
of these "feelings talks."

All right? But when you screw
up, we just want to "let it go"?

No, I don't want
to "Let it go."

I want to have a
feelings talk right now.

I want to say the things
to you, that you say to me.

(SIGHS)

Look at me.

Look at me.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

What were you thinking?

I am at the end of my rope.

Cheryl...
Hi, sweetie.

Happy anniversary.
Oh, thank you.

You know what?

Uh, honey, what are you doing?

Well, I am so ashamed.

What?

Well, you gave me
a gift from the heart,

and I just went to some mall

and maxed out our credit card.

Honey, I love that pendant.

No, Cheryl, I know that,

but I want to
make you something.

Well, but...
A poem.

Oh...

"With eyes of blue
and hair of yellow,

(GIGGLES)

"You make me feel
like a lucky fellow.

"You clean the house
and cook the food.

"Despite three kids,
you still look good."

Aw!

"Your love for me
I've always trusted,

"until today, because now

"you are busted!"

♪ Busted, busted, busted
busted, busted, busted!

♪ Yes, yes, busted ♪
Fine, fine, fine.

Fine, I deserve that.

Uh...
I'm an awful person.

I forgot our anniversary.

Cheryl... How could I
forget such a special day?

Cheryl, let me finish my poem.

Oh.

"Our anniversary date
was not on your list.

"But the perfect gift

"is just one kiss."

Aw!

There.

(SIGHS) Honey.

Happy anniversary.

It is so beautiful.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Are there earrings
that go with this?

Uh, maybe for your birthday

in...
August.

August.

Fourteenth.
Twenty-third.

Twenty third.