According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Bachelorette Party - full transcript

Cheryl throws a bachelorette party for Dana, but it's a bit underwhelming. Jim secretly taped it and, frustrated, offers to throw Dana a real bachelorette party. Against her better judgment, Dana accepts.

Good night, you guys.
See you at work.

Gwen, thanks so much for coming.

Don't forget your goodie bag.

Bet you never got a goodie bag

at a bachelorette party, huh?

Not with homemade
salad dressing.

You know, if you want
the recipe...

Yeah. Good night.

Good night! Whoo!

That was some party, huh?

Great! Yeah, thank you
for throwing it for me.



Oh, honey. Hey, what was
your favorite part?

Uh... Well, let's...

Well, we knitted tea cozies.

Yeah.

We painted pottery.
Right.

We sat on balloons
and made them pop.

Don't make me choose.

(YAWNS)

I am beat.

Oh, I know. It's
been a long night.

God, it's
already... 9:15?

Whoa, 9:15?

Man, I better clean up
in the morning.

We're meeting with
the caterer tomorrow,



and we have the final
fitting for your dress.

Oh, you are gonna be
such a beautiful bride.

Oh, good night.

Good night.
Hope I can sleep.

God, I'm so wired
from the party.

It's hard to come down
off that knitting high, huh?

Yeah.

Love you.

Love you!

Hate this.

(SIGHS)

Hey!

Hey.

What's going on here?

Where'd the cattle go?
Huh?

Sorry, party's over.

BOTH: What?

No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.

No naked pillow fights?

No JELL-O wrestling?

No "let's kiss just to
see if we like it"?

Damn!

You mean I taped over
Gracie's dance recital for nothing?

Wow. Lame party.

Yeah, well, when you start
with a lesson

from the origami lady,
you burn out quick.

You know, unless you're 6
or 60, Cheryl's parties suck.

JIM AND DANA: Yeah.

Even in fast forward,
this party is slow.

Well, at least I have
this little paper bird

to remind me of this night.

It doesn't even fly!
What the hell?

Dana, Dana, wait a second,
wait a second. Hey.

You looking for a little fun?

Because I happen to know
a gentleman

who has a Master's degree
in "fun-ology."

He studied at the Royal
Academy of Fun, did he not?

Yes, he was in charge
of "fun-raising."

Yes, yes, yes. And his jolly old
sidekick who goes by the name of Fun-dy.

Yes!

Ok, I get it.
It's you two,

and you're both fun.

Exactly. And Mr. Fun-dy
and myself

would like to take you out
and give you a proper sendoff.

I'm gonna go out for my
bachelorette party with you two?

No, thanks.

Fine! Fine!
Go home and pout.

Or you can come out with us

and have a night
you won't remember

the rest of your life.

Booze?
Lots.

Music?
Loud!

Strippers?
Oh, yeah!

She means male strippers.

Ow.

What the heck? Let's
do it! All right! Come on!

We're gonna need a
chauffeur for the evening.

Andy, call us a cab.
You're a cab.

Trust me, in three hours,
that's gonna sound real funny.

Come on, let's go.

Get the cab.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Shh! Be quiet.

I can't believe you did that.

I know!

I know! I can't
believe it myself.

What exactly did I do?

No idea.

But it sure was funny.

It was. It really was.
(LAUGHS)

Ooh, I'm hungry.
I want eggs.

Yes! Eggs and breakfast.

(RATTLING)

Shh!

You're gonna wake up breakfast!

(LAUGHING)

You said
"wake up breakfast."

I did!

(LAUGHING)

All right.
Eggs it is.

And pancakes.
Yes.

Hey, let's have
a bucket of hash browns.

And we'll smother it
with spaghetti!

Aw...

Hot spaghetti.

Shh! Andy!

Shh!
Shut up!

What is going on down here?

Ow!

Honey, uh...

Andy and I, we woke up early,

and we're gonna
make some breakfast.

Cajun style!

Down in the bayou!

(BOTH SINGING)

Guys, shut up! You
are so drunk! Shh!

Shh!

It's 5:00 in the morning.

What were you doing?

Drinking.

And wrestling gators.

On Bourbon Street.

Down in the bayou!
Shh! Shh!

Where were you guys all night?

It's a little fuzzy, ok?

But I know we were definitely...

Not here.

We were in a cab.
I know that.

I have the receipt.

What other receipts do you have?

Let's see...

Oh, we were at Antlers.

Ooh, I managed to get a number.

Ooh!

Any chance Gus is a girl?

I thought you guys were over at
Andy's watching a Karate Kid marathon.

Instead you were out
getting blasto?

Excuse me, Cherie...

It's blotto.

Oh!

And we were in total control.

(PATRONS SHOUTING)

(CHEERING)

You call that in control?

Hey, at least we didn't
fall off the bar.

Ah!

And, Cherie, let me tell you,

a lot of people had fun.

Jim!

Mmm...

You should have seen
how much Dana made.

Whoo!

What?

She dancin' Cajun style!

Just like down in the bayou!

That's where we got that.

Ahh!

Hey, hey, hey. Focus!

What was Dana doing there?

She was having a
bachelorette party.

I gave her a bachelorette party.

You gave her a tea party.

We actually gave her a
party where there was fun.

You mean, Cajun-style fun!

Down in the bayou!

(BOTH SINGING)

Hey, hey, hey!

My party was fun!
We made s'mores!

Shh!

Cherie, you're gonna
wake up Cheryl!

I'm gonna call Dana to make
sure she made it home ok.

You did take her home,
right? You got her home?

I don't think I have
a receipt for that.

Oh, my God!
You lost my sister!

Hey!

She's my sister, too.

Yes, we did lose her.

But I think I know where she is.

Don't you dare say it!

Got to.
She down on the bayou!

And the gator's got my baby!

♪ Chomp, Chomp
Pajama chomp... ♪

Don't worry, Carol.

We'll find Dana.

Absolutely. We got a
paper trail right there.

Yep, we just go through
these retrace

and we'll receipts our steps.

Or I could call her cell.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, my God.

I hear some kind
of a grunting sound.

Cheryl, it's probably Ryan,

and they're in the
middle of... Hang up!

I'll have a listen.

No!

It can't be Ryan. He's in Milwaukee
at an OB/GYN conference.

Honey, it sounds like
some kind of wild animal.

Listen.

(GRUNTING)

Ah. It's Bobo.

Oh, right. Bobo.

Bobo, Bobo, relax.
Calm down.

You're not making any sense.

Who the hell is Bobo?

He's the chimp at the zoo.

She's in a cage with a chimp?

(LAUGHS) No!

She must have just dropped
her cell phone there, that's all.

What were you doing at the zoo?

I think I had a hankering
for some peanuts.

What about Dana?

Oh, she was laughing.

She had a ball sliding
down the penguin slide.

No! Where is she?

Mm. Okay, well,
according to this timeline,

the zoo was before the
male strip club. Mm-hmm.

And Dana was definitely
with us there.

Oh, yeah. That's where
I made my classic toast.

(CHEERING)

Holy crap, that guy's
junk can't be real.

I got to make a toast.

I'm not gay, but
I'll drink to that.

For Dana.

All right, ladies.

Ladies! Ladies!

Pipe down, you horny hens.

Take it off or sit down!

Yeah!

(CHEERING)

DANA: Hey, Jim...

(WOMEN CHEERING)

To Dana!

Yes.

To this beautiful young
bride-to-be.

Whoo! That's me!
Thank you. Rock on.

Thank you, Chicago.

Yes.

Here, Dana. To your last
gasp of freedom ever!

(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

No, I'm serious, Dana.

You know, marriage
is like a prison.

You got to check in
with the warden,

you're on permanent
laundry duty,

and you can only have sex with
one person for the rest of your life.

Actually, Jim, I'm not sure

that's technically
true of prison.

Dana, you will now be one of
the many mothers in carpool,

sitting home quietly
and drinking and wondering,

"Where did it all
go wrong?"

So say good-bye to briefcases

and Armani, and say hello

to apron strings and babies.

Whaa! Whaa!

Hey, I like kids.

Well, you better,

because they'll put
your body through hell.

So here's to Dana,

who once was alive and free,

and now who's trapped
and practically dead.

(CHUCKLING)
Hear! Hear!

Ahh!
Ahh!

Marriage is like a prison?

Is that what you think about us?

No, of course not!

I love being married.

I got a good deal.

Must be hell on you.

Yeah.

It's just drunk talk, Cheryl.

That's what guys do
at bachelor parties.

Guys, not girls.

We talk about shoes and dresses

and seating arrangements,
not silly things

like what the rest of our
lives are gonna be like.

No, we focus on the big day.

Well, you should focus
on the day after.

That's what guys do.

Yeah, because it's a test.

If they can take it, then
they're ready to get married.

And if not, then
we got a runner.

God. You must have
scared her to death.

Oh, she was laughing
and having a great time.

Yeah, think.
Was there any point at which

she wasn't laughing
and having a great time?

She got a little quiet...

At that bar with all the trains.

That was a train station.

Dana's on the 5:00 AM.
To mil-wa-ukee.

What? Milwaukee?

Ryan's in Milwaukee!

Yes.

That's right.

She said she was so
moved by my speech,

she wanted to go up and see Ryan

so she could fall off
the bedding with him.

What?

No, Jim!

Fall off the bedding.
You know that...

Crawl off to Redding.

No, no...

Fall off the bedding
doesn't make any sense.

She said, "Fall off
the bedding."

You must have been hammered.

I certainly was.

Hey, guys!

What did Dana say?

I have to call off the wedding.

I have to call off the wedding!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh!
ANDY: Ah!

Well, that makes sense.

Jim.

Jim, I think we got
ourselves a runner.

Ok! You guys,
it's 5:35.

If we hurry, we can stop her
from making

the stupidest mistake
of her life.

Wait, second stupidest.

The stupidest was letting
you two jackasses

throw her a bachelorette party!

Cheryl! Hold it!

Where's the parmesan?

You are coming with me.

And you're gonna tell her
that I love you

and you love me,

and how damn wonderful
marriage is!

And while the risk
of ectopic pregnancy is rare,

our double-blind study
indicates that there is...

All right, listen up, you gynos!

Ryan? Where are you?

Excuse me, ma'am...

I know you're out there.

All right, listen to me,
listen to me.

The wedding is off!

Because I don't want
the kind of marriage

that's a prison
with baby strings and aprons!

I have a career
and I need good shoes for it.

And I want romance,

and I want sex.

I want a lotta, lotta sex!

Hey! There's writing
on my boobs.

And if you don't like my body

after it's been ravaged
by birth,

there's a lot of guys
out there who would.

Show of hands!

What's the matter, lady?
You don't like what you see?

And I do not want
to drive a minivan

in a carpool
and then just be dead.

Hear me, and hear me good,
Ryan Gibson.

You will not oppress me!

Oh, Dr. Gibson?
He left early.

He said he missed his fiancee.

Aww.

Well...

While I have your attention,

those instruments

are cold.

You think about it.

Oh! Dana!
Oh, thank God!

Don't do it.
Don't call off the wedding.

It's ok.
I never found Ryan.

But I did find a roomful
of gynecologists.

Tough crowd.

Maybe I should have had
my legs up in the air.

Bobo, I'm roaming.
Stop calling!

Where's Ryan?

He left the conference early.

Apparently
he missed his fiancee.

Oh...
I'm such an idiot.

Oh, Dana.
You are an idiot.

Jim!

She is, for misunderstanding

what I was trying
to say last night.

All right, look, you're right.

I might have skewed it
a tad on the dark side.

You mean when you compared
marriage to prison and hell?

Yeah, that's it.

But the fact is,
Ryan is a great guy.

And I was just trying
to make sure

that you were ready
to take this big step.

And, look, I would do it
for any guy I cared for.

And I did it for you
because I...

Care for you, too.

A lot.

I appreciate that.

I'm just so mixed up.

Sure. Sure, you're having
a lot of feelings right now.

Yeah.

You're having a lot of emotions.

Mm-hmm.

Cheryl?

Tag me out?

Yeah.

How could I be so stupid
to let Jim get to me?

He said things
were gonna change,

and I actually believed him.

Yeah, about that
changing thing...

It's kind of true.

They are gonna change?

Yeah.

Marriage is like prison?

No, no. Marriage
is not like prison.

(FARTS)

No, you know, actually
in a lot of ways, it's worse.

Why are you telling me this?

Well, because I didn't before
and maybe I should have.

We've been spending
all this time

talking about the wedding,
but we didn't talk about

what happens when you go
from being a single girl

to a married woman.

It's a big change,

and sometimes it really
is hard as hell.

(SIGHS)

So Jim's right.

Oh, no, he's out of
his mind. No.

But what guys do that's good

is they give each other an out.

I mean, I've been working
so hard on your wedding

because I really want it
to be a great day for you,

but if for any reason
you need an out,

I am behind you
all the way. I am.

I know. No,
I don't need an out.

It's just...

What?

I'm finally Dana.

You know, and it took me
a long time to get here.

And I don't want to just...

Just turn into somebody's
wife or somebody's mother.

I don't want to lose me.

Oh, honey.

Just 'cause you're married,
you don't lose the "me."

It's just that the "me"
becomes a part of "us."

(BURP)

And sometimes "us" Is really
gonna get on your nerves.

So why does anybody do this?

Oh, because, honey, if
you find the right guy

and have a good,
loving relationship,

then you get a chance to be more
you than you ever dreamed possible.

Wow.

That's good. I'm gonna
use that in my vows.

Great. Gotta come up
with another toast.

(SIGHS)

Come on, let's get out of here.

Yeah. I better go
wake Jim.

(FARTS)

Do you still have
that train ticket?

Yeah.

Let Amtrak deal with him.

(DANA LAUGHS)

I love it!