According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 21 - Kentucky Fried Beltzman - full transcript

April Fool's Day. Jim has retired from pranks. Cheryl brings his baseball cards to the garage where his band rehearses. Then Jim's most valuable card vanishes. After that, Andy tells that Beltzman, the guitarist, died. Is it a coincidence?

Daddy, guess what?

I got married last night.



To Dylan Pike.

She really did!

Cheryl, how come I
don't know about this?

Did you know about this?

I did not.
I am flabbergasted,

simply flabbergasted.

Ruby, you just had to go ahead

and get married
before me, didn't you?

ALL: April fool!

Oh, no!

You completely fooled us!

You got me good.

(CHUCKLES) You're good.


That was lame.


They need a lesson
from the master.

Yeah, well,

I do love a well-executed
April fool's joke.

But after last year's masterpiece
that I pulled on Cheryl...

(LAUGHS) I retired.

You didn't just retire.

I believe you were
threatened with divorce.

Cheryl, come on, it was funny.

You eventually got home.

And, look, you got to
practice your Spanish.



Dana, thank you
for the bath salts.

The pleasure was all mine, Andy.

I'm green everywhere.


JIM: Oh, baby!



Well, that blew.

What, like we're going
to open for Rush?

All right, maybe a few beers

will make us sound better.

Ah, there you go.
Or I'll care less.

At least alcohol
will help me forget

that I'm spending
the best years of my life

with you guys.

I don't know how
you can put that junk

in your body, Beltzman.
That is disgusting.

The fries, the chicken,
or the cheese?


There's cheese in there, too?

In the fries.
The future's here, man.

Beltzman, why do you
even bother eating it?

Why don't you just
take that drumstick

and stab yourself in the heart?

Hey, guys.

ALL: Cheryl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

Is that my baseball
card collection?

Yeah, I'm cleaning out
the bedroom closet.

Cheryl, Cheryl.


No, this doesn't
belong in the garage.

The only thing that belongs
in this crappy garage

are old magazines,
tools, and these clowns.

ALL: Yeah!

No, not Ernie Banks.
Mr. Cub!

With what he's done
for Chicago, Cheryl...

No, I'd rather put
my kids in here first.

Holy crap!

Is that his rookie card?

JIM: Yes, indeed.

Wow, Jim, I'd give my right nad

for that card.

Yeah, you know, I don't know
anything about baseball,

but I don't think
that's a good trade.

Cheryl, this stays in the house.

All right, fine!

But I still need to make
some room in the closet.

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll compromise here.

Why don't you make some
room in the refrigerator

and bring us out some snacks?

Oh, ha ha.

I'd give my left nad
for some apple pie.

Oh, now you're just
giving them away.

All right, let's let
the beer do the magic.

One, two, three, four.


Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl!

Emergency, an emergency!

Jim, the spare toilet
paper's under the sink.

No! No, my Ernie
Banks card it's gone!

It's been stolen! It's
missing! I can't find it!

Honey, it's got to be somewhere.

No one would take it.

What about these
little people here?

Come on, they'd take anything.

They're like raccoons
with clothes on.

Oh! This is exactly
why we need a vault.

Don't you think we should
get a savings account first?

All right.
All right, kids,

the first one who finds
my Ernie gets a quarter.


That's my boy.

A lousy quarter?

All right, a buck.


I don't get out of bed
for under $5.

All right, five bucks.
Come on.


Find it!

Wow, five bucks?

When Cheryl lost her wedding
ring, you only offered $2.


Well, that's because Ernie
Banks has sentimental value.

Uh, hey, Jim, um...

I just got some
bad news from Tony.

What happened?

It's Beltzman.
He, um...

He had a heart
attack this morning.


Well, is he all right?

He didn't make it.

Oh, my God.


He was in the prime of his life.

Such a tall, good-looking guy.


No, you're thinking of John.

Which one's Beltzman?

Weird-looking guy, pot belly?

Oh, the drummer?

No, that's Tony,

the other guy
with the pot belly.

Oh, that guy.

What a tragedy.
I really liked him.


Where was he?

Doing what he loved best...

Eating fried chicken and
shooting rats down at the dump.

So sad.

His poor wife. I'm going
to go make a casserole.

I thought we were
having meat loaf tonight.

For her!

Man, poor Beltzman.

Poor, poor, poor...


Poor, um...

What was his first name?

I mean, we always
called him Beltzman.

Yeah. Well,
let me think.

"Shut up, Beltzman."

"I'm not gay, Beltzman."

"Oh, gross,
was that you, Beltzman?"

No idea.

Oh, Bonnie,
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Here, I made you
a broccoli casserole.

Broccoli casserole.

Like the woman hasn't
suffered enough.

You know, this came as
such a shock to all of us.

Not to me.
The man bled gravy.

I can see you're hurting,
but we're all here for you.


Oh, thank you.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Dana.
I'm Cheryl's sister.

Who's Cheryl?

Me. I'm Cheryl.
I'm Jim's wife.

Oh, Jim's wife.

I hear you always put
out a plate of doughnuts

for every rehearsal.
I did.

Thanks a lot!

I think I'll go put this
in the kitchen for you.


He was a great guy,
and a great guitar-player.

And he always wiped his lips

before he drank from the hose.

I want to show you something.

I was going through his stuff,

and I found this
picture of the band

from the one paying gig
you guys had.

I think you should take it.

Oh, really?

Oh, God, Bonnie, thank you.


Bonnie, this is Ernie
Banks' rookie card.

When did Beltzman get this?

A few days ago.
He was really excited.

He said, "Now I can
die a happy man."

And then he did.


Hey, Bonnie.

Maybe this will
make you feel better, huh?

Wow, look at all that cheese.


What, are you trying
to kill me, too?

This is my card!

Beltzman stole
your card? JIM: Yes!

How can you even be
sure that's your card?

It is my card!

Look, at this.
Flawless corners,

perfectly centered,
no color bleeding,

and, look, you see that
little nick right there?

This is mine, Cheryl.
This is mine!

That freaky little gnome
stole my card!


Hey, pop.

If you see that creep up there,

you give him
the old Alabama soup bone.

Where are you going?

I'm going to tell Bonnie what
a crook her husband was,

and tell her that I'm going
to take Ernie back home

where he belongs!

Jim, no.
You can't do that.

How would you feel if you died
and somebody came and told me

what a horrible person you were?

Bring a snack. That's
going to be a long line.

Jim, I know you want
your card back... Yes!

...but you're going to have to
wait a respectable amount of time

before you approach Bonnie.

At least a few months.

A few months?

Who makes up these rules?

Oh, decent people.

Decent people?

Not a fan.

Jim, just relax.

Your card's not
going to go anywhere.


We have a bigger problem here.

Where are we going to find
a new guitar player

who hands out porn at Christmas?


When it rains, it pours.

Hey, guys.

Quite a loss.

Hey, don't forget to rub
his head for good luck, huh?

That is... That is
ridiculous, John!

Suit yourself, but I've done
it the last three funerals.

My life's going gangbusters.



Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

He's got my Ernie Banks card!

Honey, honey.

He's also got a bucket of
chicken and a Juggs magazine.

He's going out like a pharaoh.

They're going to bury him
with my Ernie Banks card!

Hey, Jim!

There are people here.

Like the suit?

We had to cut the back
out of it so it'd fit him.

Bonnie, I see, uh...

I see he's got the Ernie
Banks card with him.

Oh, yeah. I thought
he'd like to have it.

Don't you think it would
be more appreciated

by a living, breathing Cubs fan?

Hey, wait a minute.

You're a living,
breathing Cubs fan.

I bet you Beltzman would
love for you to have this.

Don't be vulgar.
The body's still warm.

He's probably right.

I thought about it,

but I never really
cared for you.

If you all can take your seats,

we're about to begin
the service.


Jim! Go. Get out.

May I escort you to your
seat, widow Beltzman?

Oh, thank you,

and don't call me
widow Beltzman.

Then can I just call you?

That's sick.

And Bonnie's the cure.

I appreciate that,

but I've dated my last fellow
with a heart attack torso.

We shall see.

We are here today to honor
the memory of Eugene Beltzman.

(CHUCKLING) "Eugene."


Husband, musician,

I can't believe it.

I'm sitting here 10 feet away
from my Ernie Banks card.

I can hear him calling,
"Jim, Jim, save me."

Jim, you've got to let it go.

It is too late.

No, it's not!

Following the service,
you're invited

back to the Beltzman home
for a cold cut plate.


And tomorrow morning,

his ashes will be scattered
over Lake Michigan.



No, no.
No, there is no...

Time to waste.

(STUTTERING) I need to...
I need to speak out

and pay tribute
to my dear friend Beltzman.

Uh, Father, no disrespect,

but I think I knew Beltzman

a hell of a lot better than you.

Well, I baptized him
and knew him for 45 years.

Fine, fine.

Well, I'll be your opening act.

Take a squat over there,
would you, Reverend?


Well, for those of you
who don't know me,

I'm a deeply spiritual man.


And I love to lead people
in prayer.

So if you'll all
bow your heads...

Bow your heads, please.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes!


My dearly beloved...

By the power vested in me...

I'm going to send Beltzman
up to the sky.

I know it's really hard...

Let go, Beltzman!

To let go of Beltzman.


Oh, that son-of-a-gun.

I'm getting
a little choked up here,

so maybe, Andy,

you can come up here
and help me with the prayer.

Keep your eyes closed.

Eyes closed.

Not you!

Help me open this.

(OUT LOUD) You know,
now that Beltzman is gone...

I feel like he took
a piece of me with him.

A very, very valuable piece.

If I had to put a figure on it,

it'd be about 1,500 bucks!

not budging. What now?

(WHISPERING) All right,
sing something sad

and come over here
and give me a boost.


I got it.
I got it.


I got it, I got it!


Thank you.

Thank you, brother Andy,

for that wonderful song.


I think it's important
to remember Beltzman

the way he was.


I can't really go on right now.

This is too much for me.

I think I'm going to go
and pray alone now.

God, why?

Why, God?


Welcome home, Ernie.

Cheryl, you know what?

Ernie's had
a couple of rough days.

I think he's hungry.

Why don't you make him
a little sandwich?

And make me one, too.


I don't make sandwiches
for grave robbers.

All right, I'll have
a bowl of ice cream, then.

Jim, you stole from the dead.

The universe is not
going to ignore this.

You are dealing with
something very big here. Karma!


You're Miss Karma here,
trying to pawn off

a broccoli casserole on a widow!


Bad, bad karma.

Come on, Ernie.

You and me are going
where you belong.

Back upstairs.

Oh, I don't know, Jim.
This is some bad mojo.

Bad mojo.

I'm glad I'm not you right now.


So at some point,
you did want to be me.


And you can't be.

It just drives you
crazy, doesn't it?


Cheryl, do you hear that?


I smell cooking.



Fried chicken?

Who's here?






No, there's no Ernie here.






What the...

All right.

Who's ever here is a dead man!

Too late!

(STUTTERING) Beltzman?




ALL: April fool's!



No, no, no,
this is no time for jokes.

There's a dead man
in the backyard!

It's a prank, genius.

A prank?

You killed Beltzman for a prank?

Hey, who wants
some haunted chicken?


So this whole thing was a joke?


JIM: The death,
the funeral,

the god-awful
broccoli casserole?

There is nothing wrong
with my casserole!

ALL: Eh...


Faking a death.

I mean, don't you think that's
over the line, even for April fool's?

Are you kidding? After
everything you've pulled on us?

Yeah, I told off
everyone at work

before I found out my
promotion wasn't real.

You sent those fake
IRS agents to my house.

I closed all my accounts
and moved to Haiti!

I was on the operating table

before I realized
you faked my x-rays!

How about that time
I woke up next to a goat?

All right, all right,

maybe... Maybe
I had it coming.


I deserved it.

Yes, you did!

Hey, I'm the first one to
admit when I've been bested.

Cheryl, you are good.

Oh, thank you.

I doff my hat to you,
young lady.

Well, thank you, sir.

JIM: I doff my hat
to all of you.

Doff, doff, doff,

doff, doff, doff, doff, doff.

The king of pranks
has been dethroned!


I would like to thank you all.

You were all brilliant.

Every single one of you.

TONY: Fantastic.

No hitting on my wife next time.

Wasn't that good?

Tony, you almost blew it, man.

I think it was very good, too.


He's egging our cars.