According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 2 - The Effort - full transcript

Jim is supposed to spend a romantic evening with his wife, but he is torn because he wants to see a certain sports event that very same night. Desperate, he decides to con Cheryl - deluded that he can get away with it.

Well, dinner
was delicious.

At least what
I had of it.

Cheryl, you
know the rule,

"You talk, don't eat,
it's Jim's meat."

I'm glad we finally got
a chance to meet each other.

Oh, us, too, Talia.

Andy, would you like
a taste of my creme brulee?

Oh, thanks, but I don't
have much of a sweet tooth.

May I?

Huh? What?

(CHUCKLES)



Mmm.

You know, honey,
that looks good. Ow.

Cheryl, you
know the rules.

"It may not be fair,
but I don't share."

That's great, honey.

You should write books
for selfish children.

Yes, uh, excuse me,
good fellow.

Would you mind turning down
the air conditioning?

Milady has a chill.

Aw, thank you.

You know, he never
stops thinking about me.

Aw.

You know, honey,
I'm a little chilled, too.

Well, sit tight.
They're working
on it, honey.



(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Oh! Excuse me
for just a minute.

Oh, allow me.

(CHUCKLES)

TALIA: Thank you.

Talia seems
very sweet.

Hold, hold,
hold on, hold on.
Good, she's gone.

Oh, thank God,
I'm ravenous.

Pass the sugar
packets. Hurry!

Andy!

If you're so hungry,
how come you only
ordered a salad? Oh.

Talia and I just
started dating.

I'm trying to make
a good impression.

JIM: She's coming,
she's coming!

Mayday, mayday,
mayday, mayday!

(ANDY CHUCKLING)

We should get
going if we want
to make that movie.

Mmm-hmm.

Just waiting
on Cheryl.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Done eating
yet, Sis?

I don't know
where she
puts it all.

Well, well, well,
I hope the movie
is as good as dinner.

Thank you.

Oh, my pleasure.

Cheryl, can you try
to be a little more careful?

JIM: Oh, baby.

Hey, how'd it go?

(SHUSHING) Kids asleep.
Kitchen's clean. Don't talk.
Movie's almost over.

Okay, Dana, come on.
Go. Let's go.

Out, out, out, out.
Get out!

In a minute!

No, this is date night.
We talked, I fed her.

Now it's time
for the fun part.
Let's go!

I want to watch
the end of the movie!

Oh, this one?
Boat sinks,
skinny guy dies,

and the old lady throws
a jewel in the ocean.

Come on, scram!

But I got a pizza
coming in five minutes!

Whoo, then I'm going
to have to beat my record.

Come on,
hit the bricks! Go!

All right, woman,
brace yourself.

Your one-man
threesome is here.

What...
What are you doing?

Getting ready for bed.

(STAMMERING)
What's with the sweats?

What happened
to the hot chick
I took to dinner?

That hot chick
is still waiting for you
to pull her chair out.

Oh, Cheryl, come on!

What are you...

No!

What?

Did you see
how much attention

Andy was paying to Talia?

He waited on her
hand and foot.

I couldn't even
get you to pour me
a glass of wine.

Cheryl, you are
a lightweight.

Two glasses of wine,
and your head is flat
into the plate.

Well...

Besides, how am I going
to have fun if you don't
drive home?

Jim, I'm serious.

I'm serious, too.

You used to come home
and stay all dressed up
in your sexy dress.

Well, you used
to pull my chair out

and share your
dessert with me.

You know, like Andy
was doing for Talia?

Cheryl, Talia is making
an effort for her man,

and you...

What?

Don't.

That is not true.
I make an effort.

You saw me in
that dress tonight.
I was bringing it!

Why didn't you bring
it into the bedroom?

Come on, Cheryl.
Were you trying
to impress me,

or were you
trying to impress,

you know, Andy's
new girlfriend?

We were going out.
I wanted to look nice.

Uh-huh. Did you
shave your legs
to the knee, or past?

Wait! My thighs
didn't show!

Ah!

You weren't making
an effort for me.

You know what? And you
hardly ever do anymore.

Jim, it's a little
difficult to make an
effort all the time

when you're trying
to be a mother
to three kids.

Cheryl, you know what?
There you go using
the mommy card again.

You know what? It didn't
work on Mother's Day,

it's not going to work now.

You know, Jim,
you should talk.

Andy was pretending
to eat salads
to impress his date.

What effort do you
put forth for me?

Baby, I am
nothing but effort.

You see that?

I trapped it in the bathroom.
Most men wouldn't do that.

All right, Dana,
I need your opinion
about something.

What?

Jim thinks
I'm not putting
in enough effort.

Into what?

Like, you know,
dressing up,

being romantic,
looking my best.

Oh, you got to be
freaking kidding me.

The guy picks
his teeth with
his keys.

Yes! Right!

So, so I like
being comfortable.
What's the big deal?

Nothing. I thought
the whole point of marriage
was being comfortable.

Once you bag a man
and get his head
on the wall,

you never have to worry
about the sting of wire
and spandex again.

Yes, exactly!

These are your
coasting years.

Yes!

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not coasting.

Really?

Yeah.

So, are those your fancy
on-the-town sweats

or your teatime
with the queen sweats?

I like my sweats.

Well, I know.
That's why
you wear them

every single day.

Oh, man.

I'm coasting.

Ah, don't worry about it.
Forty, fifty years, it'll all
be over anyway.

All right,
I got to go.
I have a date.

Check out my fake laugh.

"That is so funny!"

All right.

One hour left
to the big
boxing match!

How great is this, huh?

Saturday night,
two buds watching

the pay-per-view
boxing event
of the season.

Yes!

(CHUCKLES)

Now, Talia's okay with this,
leaving her alone?

I got a little static,
but I checked her.

Mmm-hmm.

She dumped you,
didn't she?

Like a gay running mate.

She caught me at 2:00 a.m.
sitting on the kitchen floor

dipping a stick
of butter into
a sugar bowl.

You eat that?

Yeah.

That's brilliant!

Yeah!

I can't believe...

Surprise!

Wow!

Look at you.
My God, what
are you doing?

I know what
this is about.

Twenty years ago
this very night,

I won the district
spelling bee.

(LAUGHS)

Sis, you remembered.

I'm flabbergasted.

F-L-A-B-B-E-R-G-A-S-T-E-D,
flabbergasted.

Still got it.

You still got it.

No, Cheryl, really,
what's going on?

Well, I mean,
I heard what you
said the other night,

and I think maybe
you're right.

I mean, maybe we both could
make a little more effort,

so I decided
I would start.

Tonight?

Yeah.

And I got Dana
to watch the kids,

so we have the whole
house to ourselves.

Oh, but we
were going to...

Do nothing.
Nothing tonight.

Because my lovely wife
went out of her way

to create
a romantic dinner.

I'm going to go
get the salad.

Okay. And I'm going
to take this trash
to the curb

so we can have
a romantic evening.

What about
the fight?

Listen,

I made such a big stink
about her not making
an effort,

if I blow her off now,

she won't wear that
sexy dress again
until my funeral.

Jim, we got
to see the fight.

We paid 75 bucks for it.

I know, I know,
I know, I know.

Let me think
for a second.

I need some
thinking music.

Hum something.

(HUMMING SWING LOW
SWEET CHARIOT)

(BOTH HUMMING)

(MUFFLED SINGING)

I got it! I got it!

Look, she's making
a romantic dinner, right?

That'll take
about 45 minutes.

A half an hour
if I don't chew.

So, you go home.

I'll eat really
fast, finish up.

I'll call you
when we're done.

Good. Okay. Yeah.
That'll give me a chance

to make some of those
butter sugar things.

You know what?

Andy, you should really
come up with a name
for those.

I did. They're
called Shame Sticks.

Here we go.

Oh, yes.

Isn't this fun?

Oh, yes,
really fun,
really fun.

(GASPS)
Where's my manners?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Well, thank you, sir.

Go ahead and sit.

Okay, thank you.
Whoa. (LAUGHS)

Now, honey...

Did you notice I'm wearing
your favorite dress?

Mmm-hmm, it's beautiful,
it's beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful.

Slow down! Slow down,
I want to enjoy tonight.

I thought maybe
after dinner, we'd take
a midnight stroll in the park.

Are you nuts?
The park at night?

It's crawling
with he-shes.

Really?

No, I'm going to lie
to you, Cheryl.

Okay, well, we'll have
a romantic evening at home.

To making an effort.

Okay.

Whoo! Boy, I better
eat something,

or this wine is going
to knock me out.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait.
Before you eat...

I'd like to make a toast.

To my young,
beautiful wife,

who has given me
not only tonight,

but for the last...

Thirteen?

Yeah.

...thirteen years,
a wonderful life.

Oh, that is so sweet.

I'm a sweet guy.

Mmm! Cheryl,
must I remind you

of the old
country tradition

of finishing
your drink when
a man makes a toast?

Oh.

Whoo!

Whoa!

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, one more toast
before you eat. One more
toast. I'm in a toasting mood.

I just love
you so much!

Wow.

I just love
you so much!

To my beautiful wife

and our three
beautiful children,

and maybe someday
a fourth.

Oh, honey.

Oh, you know what?
I can't finish that.

I really...

Oh.

So, it's okay for you
to make an effort,
but not me.

I'm sorry, Jim.

It's okay.

Whoo!

Mmm!

Whoo! Whoo!

That a girl, that a girl!

Okay, now I would
tike to loast...

I said tike to loast!

You said
tike to loast!
That's funny.

Let's toast
to tike to loast!

Whoo!

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
And there's a left hook.

Another left hook,
followed by a... Oh!

Oh, look at that hit!

Oh, my God!

He got nailed!

And there's the bell

ending the first round
of the most electrifying
fight...

Oh, wow!

What a great round, man.
What a great round.

Another Shame Stick?

I think I've earned it.

Well, hello,
my young love.

How are we feeling?

Like I swallowed
a barrel of socks.

Then I won't
be kissing you.

Too bad. I could
use the spit.

How could you let
me drink so much
last night?

Cheryl, I'm your husband,
not your sponsor.

I feel like I ruined
our whole evening.
I don't remember anything.

Nothing?

No.

Were you charming and sexy?

I was devastating.

Come here. Tell
me all about it.

You sure you want to know?

Yes.

(SIGHS)

All right,
I'll tell you.

It was a magical night.

For the first hour,

all we did was
hold hands and talk.

Oh, how we talked.

About dreams
and feelings and...

Stuff.

Then we took turns
feeding each other,

feeding each other
the delicious feast
you slaved over.

And then we laughed.

Laughed and laughed.
Oh, how we laughed.

Then we walked to the park,

per your request,

and I carved our
names into a tree

so future generations
can bask in our commitment
to each other.

And at the very end
of the night,

we danced.

We danced with only
the light of the moon

and the glow
of our eternal love.

Aw, honey.

That sounds like
such a special night.

It really does,
doesn't it?

Mmm...

I'm just going to...
I'm going to rest
my eyes for just a minute.

I'm so sorry I missed
our lovely evening.

Me, too.

Mmm...

Brush your teeth.

Hey.

Hey.

Here's the short
skirt you wanted.
You guys going out?

No, I'm wearing it
to clean the house
while Jim watches.

Ew.

Well, I told you,
I'm making an effort.

Oh, are you guys
still doing that?

Well, I feel like I owe it
to him after I passed out
the other night.

Oh, come on,
you spent an entire
night with Jim,

and you don't remember it.
That's my dream come true.

From now on, every time
I come over here, I'm getting
good and hammered.

Whoa! What's the deal
with this cable bill?
It's huge.

Jim must have cracked
the parental code
on the TV again.

No, it can't be that.
I used my birthday.

Oh, that's smart.

Oh, here it is.

He ordered one of those
pay-per-view boxing things.

Oh, the Douglas-Manning
fight.

Oh, what a blood-fest.

I watched that with
the kids when they
stayed with me.

Wait a minute,
that was Saturday night.

That... That was the night
of our romantic dinner.

Hmm, you mean the dinner
where Jim got you drunk and
you don't remember a thing?

Could there possibly
be a connection?

No, that, that's impossible.

We danced, and...

And he carved our
names in a tree,
and then...

And then a bird
landed on his finger.

Oh. Did the candlesticks
dance and sing
Be Our Guest?

But... But we talked.

About what?

Stuff.

Oh, my God!

He got me drunk
and watched a fight!

Well, let's see how much
he likes being in a fight.

He's about to go 12 rounds
with the blonde tornado!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Betty, Veronica.

Hey, have you seen Jim?

Why would I know
where Jim is?

Because you're his toady.

He's in the tree house.

Ah, the tree house. Perfect.

I can make it look like
an accident when he falls.

So which one am I?
Betty or Veronica?

I don't know.
Whichever one's a jerk.

That's funny.
How's Talia?

I need a Shame Stick.

Jim?

Would you come down here?
I need to talk to you.

Coming.

Hello.

I know what you did.

Cheryl, we've
been together
a long time.

You're going to have
to be a little more
specific than that.

You got me drunk
so you could watch
a stupid boxing match.

Open that door,
or I'll tell everybody

about the time you wore
my maternity underwear.

How did you find out?

The elastic was
shot to hell.

No, about the boxing.

Cable bill.

I don't believe you.

All right, Cheryl, calm down.
Let's discuss this like
adults in the tree house.

Do you happen
to remember
the password?

I am this close
to killing you.

Okay, new password.

Come on.

Oh. (GROANS)

Check it out.

Table for two.

What?

Yeah, see?

I'm making an effort,

like you did the other
night for dinner.

You're just doing this
to get out of trouble.

Cheryl, I didn't even
know I was in trouble
till just now.

I thought I completely
got away with it.

Well, then,
what's all this?

Well, remember
the other morning
when I described

that magical night
we had together?

I'm sure it's pretty clear
now that didn't happen.

Yeah.

Well, when I was
making it up, it...

Well, it sounded so great,

I kind of wished
that it was real.

Please.

Oh.

Well, I was
thinking, Cheryl...

I really...

I really don't
want us to coast.

I don't want
to be roommates.

I want to be lovers.

I think we deserve that.

I know I do.

Honey.

That's what I want, too.

That's why I did
that whole dinner thing.

I know, honey, I know,
but you know what?

You picked the worst
night in the world
to do that.

I mean, if it was
any other night,

it would have
been fine.

Really?

Yes.

Yeah. What about
the Super Bowl?

Oh, no, that would
have been bad.

But that's it.

Right. World Series?

No, that would have
been bad, too.

Tony Awards?

You don't tell anybody
about that, do you?

No.

Well, Cheryl,
I'll tell you what,

let's make a deal, okay?

Okay.

Why don't we

make an effort
for each other,

but certain blackout
dates will apply?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Mmm.

They're playing our song.

May I have this dance?

Oh. I would be honored.

Honey?

Hmm?

Do you think
we could be
done by 8:00?

Because The Bachelorette
is really heating up,

and Jen has some
tough decisions to make.

All right, but you're
going to have to get me
really drunk.

Oh.

(LAUGHS)