According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 19 - Take My Wife, Please - full transcript

Jim's neighbor Bertram gives Cheryl 2 opera tickets, but Jim won't go with her. So she asks Bertram. When Cheryl wants to go to see a foreign film, Jim asks Bertram to accompany her. Then the guys remind him that Bertram is *still...


(GRUNTS) Come on, Ortiz!
Quit dancing!

It's a cage match,
not a tea party!

Choke him out, Donnelly!

You know what I like
about that Donnelly?

He's not in it for the money.

He just likes to hurt people.

Okay, so explain
to me again the difference

between ultimate cage
fighting and regular boxing.

Well, first of all,
there's a cage.

Which is an octagon.

Instead of a ring.

Which is square.

And there's no rules,

so it makes it illegal
everywhere except for Asia.

And Alabama.



As you can see,
the crotch is in play.



Hey, Jim,
are you expecting anyone?

What, like a friend?

ANDY: Come on, now.
Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, hi, Mr. Osgood.

Oh, now, please, Cheryl,

I told you before, it's Bertram.

Mr. Osgood was my father,
and he's passed on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not.
I hated him.


Anyway, I got some
of your mail again.



Now, what?

Two minutes. 75 bucks?

It's over? That's it?

What's the matter, can't you
fight with a compound fracture?

Bertram, please, would you
like to come in? Sure. Thank you.

Oh, you know what? I
actually think this is yours. It's...


It's opera tickets.

Jim, Bertram has
tickets to... Ah...

"Die Fledermaus."

Is that the one
where everyone thinks

the baby kangaroo
is a giant mouse?

Different classic,
but just as good.


Are you an opera fan, Cheryl?

Oh, oh, I...
I've never actually gone,

but I have seen it on TV.

I see a lot of fun things on TV
that I've never actually been to.


I'm gonna die in this house
having never been anywhere.

Well, would you like my...

Oh, God, yes.

Dana! Friday, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I have to check my
book, but I'm pretty sure

I'm doing something
that I wouldn't hate.

Andy. Andy, opera, huh?

Strauss? Please.

I like my coffee black,
my women on the rebound,

and my opera Italian.
Thank you, no.

I won't even ask.

Atta girl.

Hey, why don't you, uh...

Why don't you go with Bertram?

Oh, would that be okay with you?

Well, I would be delighted.

That is, if you don't mind

being seen on the arm
of an old man.

Oh, please. I've been
to better places with worse.


(LAUGHS) It's true. She's
dated some real losers.

Just one.
Just one.

Well, that's great,
then, Cheryl.

I will see you on Friday.

Oh, and, uh, you're
gonna have to drive,

because I'm not allowed to,
after dark.

Oh, it would be
my pleasure. Sure.


Well, I am going to the opera.

And I'm not.


JIM: Oh, baby!

Where's Mommy's apron?

Uh, boy, are you
asking the wrong guy.

We're gonna play house.
Kyle's the baby.

I lie down,
and they bring me food.

Honey, that's not the baby.
That's the daddy.

Go on.

Hey, would one of you
get the dinger?


Dinger! Dinger!

Cheryl! Dinger!
I know, I know.

Would it kill you
to turn it off?

Cheryl, that's your area.

I'm just trying to respect it.


What the hell's that?

It's been a whole day.

How long does that
opera buzz last?

Oh, Jim, it is such
a romantic story.

You see, Alfred is still in love
with his old girlfriend Rosalinde...

Right... but she is married
to Gabriel von Eisenstein.

A love triangle.

How fresh.

And then afterwards,

Bertram and I went out
and discussed it over tea.


Hold the phone! I didn't
know there'd be tea!

Oh, fine.

Make fun if you want,
but just once,

it would be nice to go
to something with you

that didn't involve the
words "nitro burning."

Hey, how about...
Or "totally nude."

You know, Cheryl, they have a
British dancer there. That's culture.

Like this, honey.
Look, look.

There's a foreign film
festival at the Hillhurst.


I don't know, Cheryl.

Honey, come on.
It'll be fun.

Yeah, it might be fun,
but then what happens?

We're going to spend
the rest of our lives

chasing that high
with drugs and alcohol.


No, no, no.

Jim, there's a lot
of culture in this city.

We should take advantage of it.

All right, I'll take
you to the zoo. Oh.

All right, all right, I'll take
you to the foreign film.

hope it's subtitled.

There's nothing I like more
than reading a good movie.


Oh, hey, Bertram.
How are you?

Hello, Jim.

Cheryl, I thought
you might like this CD.

It's La traviata
with Hildegard Behrens.

It's a real barn burner.

Thank you so much,

and thank you for
taking me to the opera.

You know what?
I baked you some cookies.

I'm gonna go pack them
up for you. (CHUCKLES)

Well, come on in.
Please, please.

Here, here, have a seat.
Wherever you want, Bert.

You mind I call you Bert?

Uh, actually,
I'd rather you didn't.

Bert always reminds me of
that puppet on Sesame Street.

Who, uh, Ernie?



Man, you guys must have had
a great time last night.

She's been singing
all day back there.

Well, Cheryl is
delightful company.

She is smart, and she's funny,

and she's considerate enough
to spend time with an old man.

Oh, come on.
How old are you?

I'm 76.

You want a shawl
or a blanket or something?

Oh, look, the newspaper.

Huh, that's funny.

Five mornings out of seven,
I never get mine.

That is funny.

Hey, the foreign
film festival. Hmm.

Are you folks going?

Yeah, my wife's dragging
me to The Bicycle Thief.

Well, Jim, you're in
for a real treat.

The Bicycle Thief is one of the
great works of European cinema.

Oh, I got a few European
films in a box in the attic.

Yeah, every once in a while

I have my own festival.

So, you like
The Bicycle Thief, huh?

Oh, I love it.


Well, that's interesting.

Why don't you take Cheryl
to see The Bicycle Thief?


You know what?
It would make her happy,

and I like seeing her happy.

And believe me, I don't
want to be up all night,

standing in the bathroom
peeing out tea.

I hear that.


Well, I would really
love to take her.

That is, with your
kind permission.

Oh, permission granted.
Are you sure?

Oh, of course I'm sure.

I'm the one who told you to
do it. So you wouldn't mind?

Oh, just take my wife
to the damn movie, pops!


Jim! Hey, Jim!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ay, chihuahua.

So, honey,
I'll be back by 10:00.

Okay, okay, wait a minute,
honey, come here.

Listen, uh... I know you're
going to be with Bertram,

but you're going downtown,
so please, park on the street,

'cause I'm not paying
those parking structure rates.


Who's Bertram?

Oh, he's just a neighbor.

Cheryl's going out on the
town with another dude?

Oh, he's not another dude.
He's just some old guy.

He takes her to the symphony
and, you know, the opera,

and all the crap I hate.

You think he'd take
my wife to church?

You know, Jim, an
old man is still a man.

ANDY: That's right.
Oh, please, knock it off.

No, no, it's true.

I once walked in on
my grandparents doing it.


Yeah, yeah.
They were in their 70s,

but Gramps was really putting
Nana through her paces.

Come on!

Can we change the subject here?

You know, they got
these pills now

that'll turn an old man
into a teenager.

Yeah, Admiral Winky
can sure stay on the bridge

a lot longer than he used to.


I mean, they got
four hour, six hour,

and now the new 36 hour.

Hey, 80 is the new 60.

They really are
the greatest generation.

Jim, Jim.
Are you ready?

Huh? What?

Hey, count it off, man.
Yeah, count it. I'm counting.

Okay, one, two, three, four.


Oh, see, Bertram, you didn't
have to walk me to the door.

I'm fine.

Well, you can't be too careful.

I didn't like the look of some
of them squirrels out front.



Oh, you scared me to death.

Did I?


I'm sorry, my pet.

I was waiting up for you,
and I must have nodded off.

What time is it?

Oh, mercy me,
it's after 1:00.

1:00? (GASPS)

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
I should have called.

I had no idea how late it was.

After the ballet,
Bertram and I went

to this jazz club
he knows about.




(YAWNS) What a night.

Oh, my God, you must be
just exhausted.

Why don't you go upstairs
to bed, honey?

I'll see Bertram out.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Bertram, thank you for
a lovely, lovely evening.


So I'll see you on Saturday.

Right. The symphony.
I can't wait.


All right, baby.

I'll be up there in a second

to take my place beside you.

In our bed.

All right.


What was that?


No, no, no, you just made a...

You just made a sound.

Oh, I was just
clearing my throat.

No. No, no.

You went "mmm."

Clearing your throat
is "ahem."

You just made the
"I want to hit that" noise.

I'm sorry, Jim, but I don't
understand what you're saying.

It's been a long night.
I'm going home.

Well, you can stay home.
Well, thank you. I live there.

You listen to me, pal.

Here's the deal.

You and Cheryl are over.

I don't want you to talk to
her, I don't want you to see her,

I don't want you
calling her. You got it?

Yes, but I don't
understand what you're...

Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.

I think you do understand.

Just because a dog is droopy

doesn't mean
he can't still hunt.

Is this another
Sesame Street thing?

I want you out of here
by the time I count five,

or I'm going
to turn that hose on you.

But, Jim, this was
all your idea!


Two, three, four, five!


BERTRAM: Whoa! Cold!

Okay, I'll be home by
10:00, 10:30 at the latest,

and no surprises this time.

Ha, I'm confident about that.


Hey. Hey, well, look at you.

Hot date tonight?

Yeah, you.

Didn't Jim tell you? I'm
taking you to the symphony.

What? Where's Bertram?

Yes. Bertram. Yes.

He's a creep, honey.

Uh, I'm gonna have Andy
take you on dates from now on.

What? Uh, the shoes
stay on for an hour.

After that, no promises.

Wait, wait.
I'm not going with you.

Bertram is not a creep.
He's a sweet, old man.

Yeah, a sweet, old man
who wants to get down on it.

Oh, come on.

Cheryl, trust me.
You should have seen him.

When you were going up
the stairs the other night,

he made the "mmm" sound.

No, no, no, no.

Not "mmm" from the throat.

"Mmm" from the loins.

It's a guy thing. And,
honey, it is uncontrollable.

Oh, come...
No. It's true, Cheryl.

I "mmm'd" a meter maid
at the DMV yesterday.

What is it about those uniforms?



Beat it.

Fine. Next time, Jim,

green-light your scheme
with the wife

before I squat the crease
out of my suit.

Jim, how dare you?

Bertram's my friend.

He's not your friend,
Cheryl. He's a guy.

And you put a guy
in the batter's box,

he's gonna take a swing.

He's a 76-year-old man.

Man, Cheryl, that's
the operative word. Man.

I'll admit I was fooled
by the age, too,

but he's a man,

and I'm a man,
and I'm your husband.

Therefore, it is my job
to protect you.

I don't want to ruin
your friendship.

It's just my job.

Deciding who I'm
friends with is not your job.

(LAUGHS) That's a very
common mistake, Cheryl.

Lots of wives make that mistake.

You know what? You're
wrong about Bertram.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are!

Where are you going?

I'm going for a drive to think,

if I have my
protector's permission.



Cheryl, what are you doing here?

Jim's not with you, is he?

No, no, I...

Look, I'm just gonna give you the
standard speech I give all the neighbors.

Dear sir or madam,
apparently my husband has

insert appalling action here.

While this is by no means
an admission of guilt

or legal liability
on Jim's part,

please accept this green bean
casserole as a peace offering.

I kind of stormed out,

so I'm gonna have to
owe you the casserole.

Thank you.

Please, come on in.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, Bertram,
would you please tell me

what happened
between you and Jim?

Well, I don't know.

He just flew off the
handle the other night.


He thinks you have
ulterior motives.

Oh, is that it?

The man is so hard to read.

He... He thinks
you made an "mmm" noise.

(CHUCKLES) Cheryl,
I'm 76 years old.

I make all kinds of noises.


Look, please, sit down.

You look a little shook up.

I was just having a glass
of wine. Would you like one?

You know, that would be great.

Thank you.

Oh, I love him to death,
but I swear to God,

sometimes he is just a caveman.

Here, here.

To the performing arts.


Mmm. Oh, that is lovely.

Yes, well, that's
a California Merlot.

I hope it's not too pedestrian.



You know, I mean, I...

I get to choose my own friends.

I... I just want someone
I can do things with.


Is that the music
from the jazz club?

It sure is.

It's very soothing, isn't it?

Yes. You know, it is.

It's... It's just...
It's amazing to me.

It's like Jim really
doesn't believe that

a straight man can be friends
with an attractive woman.

The man is a neanderthal.

No, no, no.

He's a good guy. It's just that
sometimes, he gets these crazy ideas.


What smells so good?

Oh, that's the candle.

It's called
"tropical passion."

I see.

Those island nights.



You know what?

Jim is not gonna
ruin our symphony date.

So you go get your suit on,
and let's go.

No, what's the rush?

Why don't we just sit
and finish our wine?

Oh, but we're gonna be late for
the symphony. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

(WHISPERS) Oh, but we're
gonna be late for the symphony.


Oh, my God.
That's the noise.

Oh, my God!


That did come from your loins!

The question is, what kind of
noise are your loins making now?

Now, Bertram!

Damn it.

I thought we were friends.

Oh, we are, we are.

Just think how much
better friends we'll be

when we see each other naked.


Where are you going?

Where am I going? I'm
going to the symphony.


You, uh...

You know what
the saddest part is?

It's not just that
our friendship is over,

which it is.

It's that Jim
was right about you.

Men are animals.

Oh, no, Cheryl,
men aren't animals.

Men are men, at all ages.

Ah, what an old fool I am.

I went and ruined
a great friendship.

It's just that I've been so
lonely since my dear Adele died.

Not working. All
right, I'll see you.

Commence firing.

Come on, tuba player.
Stay still.



MAN: Hey!


What are you doing here?

Well, I thought if you
came alone, I'd be your date,

and if you came with
Bertram, I'd kick his ass.

You're alone, right?


Now I can put my roll of dimes
back in my change drawer.

You were right.

Bertram made his move.

Go ahead. Do it.

"Well, well, well."


Not this time, Cheryl.

Although I am right,

it is partly my fault.

You set me up with him.
It's all your fault.

Well, "all" is a part.


You know, I realize
when we do stuff together,

it's not really about
the stuff we do together.

It's that we're together.

Aw, honey.

I like being together
with you, too.

And we're together
at the symphony.

I finally got you here.

Yes, the symphony.

shh, it's starting.

Since I'm new at this, you
want to talk me through it?

Ok, down there, those
guys... Mmm-hmm.

...they play music,
and we listen.

Well, what am I
supposed to look at?


(WHISPERS) Cheryl...


You didn't park in
the structure, did you?

You know, Jim...

Some people,

they close their eyes
so they can listen better.

Shh. Close your eyes, quiet.