According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Wedding Dress - full transcript

Dana's driving Ryan nuts with the wedding preparations. Jim assures him "there's always a way out." Ryan puts the advice to use. When Cheryl suggests Dana use her 1991 dress, Jim panics. As it happens, it burned in 1991. What way out now?

Here you go.

Jim, would you zip up
Kyle's jacket, please?

I'm right in the middle
of a very important sandwich.

All right, come
here, my young man.

Mommy, do you have
the snowman's face?

I do, I do. I have
the carrot for his nose,

the cookies for his eyes, and...

What happened to the
licorice for his mouth?



Okay, now remember, get
the snow from the driveway,

not the lawn.

Jim, you can't make the kids
shovel the driveway for you.

Cheryl, they're a little young to
use the snow-blower, don't you think?

He's right, Cheryl. If they
lose a finger at this age,

they'll always be
afraid of machinery.



Did you guys settle on a
china pattern for your registry?

Oh, we're so close.

Yeah, after running
around the entire city,

we've narrowed it down
to 10 patterns.

Is a Lismore pattern
one of them?

Oh, I'm so jealous!

And tomorrow we're spending the
entire day looking for a set of flatware.

Hey, Doc, do you know
what you need a set of?

Yeah, Jim. You've done
that joke before, many times.


Come on, I want to show you this
article I found on bridal hairstyles.

I'm thinking a wavy half-up,
half-down do with a tiara.

Oh, my God!

I just said the same exact
thing to Ryan in the car just now.

No way!

I had to turn down
the game to listen.

I found the best cake server.

Mother of pearl!
Handle from France!

Oh, yes!


you look like a gun owner.

Will you please put
me out of my misery?

Doc, you know what?

If you want to survive a marriage,
you got to remember one thing.

There's always a way out.

No matter what the situation,
there's always a way out.

You just got to look for it.

But sometimes...
There's always a way out!

And that is my
wedding gift to you.

Don't expect anything else.

He's not kidding.

For my 30th birthday,

he gave me, "God never gives
you more than you can handle."

I traded in for the lemons
and lemonade thing.

Hey, sweetie, look at all these
bridal magazines Cheryl got for us.

Well, thank you, Cheryl.

You must have gone
to a freaking bookstore.

I did. I did. Okay, and
here's our wedding album.

It is full of great ideas.

Sit, sit.

Yeah. Hey, I've
been looking at cakes.

We have to have fondant icing.

Okay, I wanted to show
you this picture.


Oh, wait.
Hang on, hang on...


Here, wait, wait.

Oh, darn, look,
I just got paged.

Yeah, I just got paged
by the hospital

because I'm a doctor, and they
page doctors, and I just got paged.

Oh, shoot.

All right, well,
I'm going to go ahead

and put post-its
on everything that I like,

and you can add yours later.

Okay, I just hope I don't
get paged while I do it.

See you.

Why is the word proof
stamped across every photo?

Because proof means free.

Hey, I don't pay for
memories. I pay for stuff.

Ah, look at your wedding
dress. It was so perfect.

I know. Wasn't it?
The lace and the pearls.

Remember how it folded up
into a bustle in the back?

All I remember is it took
45 minutes to get it off you.

That's nothing. Usually it
takes me five or six dates.

And my fake law degree.

I just hope I can find
something this beautiful.

You know, it is good luck to wear
something borrowed on your wedding day.

What do you mean?

Well, there's something
I've been thinking about,

and now that you bring it up,
I am just going to say it.

Why don't you wear
my wedding dress?


Oh, my God, you would
be okay with that?

Are you kidding?
I would be honored.

Oh, my God, I think
I'm going to cry!

You want to try it on?


Honey, honey, I can't
work the ladder thingy.

Will you go up in the
attic and get my dress?

has to do now is run out the clock,

and the Bulls are champs!

JIM: Yes!

ALL: Three, two, one...

And it's over!

The '91 Bulls have given
the city of Chicago

its first ever NBA championship!

ALL: Bulls! Bulls! Bulls!
Bulls! Bulls! Bulls! Bulls!


Oh, man, I can't believe this.

I get married two weeks ago,

the Bulls win
the championship...

Cheryl is my lucky charm.

Oh, that reminds me, I got to take that
wedding dress of hers to get preserved.

I thought you did that
like two weeks ago.

Mmm. It's still in my trunk.

I was going to take it,
but I didn't.

But you told her you did. You
think it's okay just to lie to your wife?

Ah, relax, it's just
this one time.

It's not like I'm going
to ever do it again.

The city has gone wild
celebrating the Bulls' victory.

Look at them!

Reports now coming in
that riots have broken out.

Oh, look, some poor
guy's car is getting torched.

No loss. Just a piece of crap.

That's my piece of crap!

My car is on fire!

My Body by Jake
videos are in there!

Cheryl's wedding dress!


What's wrong?

Well, Cheryl, you're not the only
one excited about this wedding!

JIM: Oh, baby.


The wedding dress, please.


Can you get it?

Yeah, sure.

What, now?

Come on, Cheryl. Later.

You of all people
should know that it's rude

to leave the room when you're
entertaining a guest.

Andy? He's like furniture.

Still, Cheryl, it'd just be bad
manners to leave me here all alone.

Andy, can I interest you in sampling
a variety of canned cheeses?


I'm not hungry, but I could eat.

Have you thought about
crab puffs for appetizers?

I've thought about nothing
else for the last three days.

There's got to be a way out of this.

There's always a way out! We
just got to think of something.


No, I was a doe-eyed 19-year-old
with a future full of dreams

and a pretty serious work-out regimen
until my tapes went up in flames.

You were with me, so you are
officially an accomplice.

No way, man.

You were the one that
was stuck with a burnt dress,

then put it in a box,
and then told your wife

it was a perfectly
preserved wedding gown.

(GASPS) Oh, what's this?

A bill. It's from the piper.

All right, Andy, don't
give up on me now.

You are not dragging me
down with you this time.

No way. I'm telling Cheryl.

Wait! Come here, come here.

Come on, we've kept
this lie alive for 14 years.

There's no reason to throw it out like
you threw out your commitment to fitness.

If I had those tapes six
minutes a day for 14 years,

you know how cut I'd be?

Andy, you didn't think there was a
way out in '91, but I found it, didn't I?

Because there's always
a way out, Andy.

Say it.
Say it with me.

There's always a way...

Say it again!

There's always a way out.

That's right, my good friend.

So you don't worry about a
thing. I got it all figured out.

So what's the plan?

I don't know.

It's got to be something to do with
Dana not wanting to wear the dress.



Great plan.

Shall we synchronize
our watches, Mr. Bond?

Hey, you guys, what's going on?

I'm still waiting for you to
get that dress out of the attic.

Come on, Dana.
Cheryl's not here.

She's dropping the
kids off on a play date.

You can drop the act.

What are you talking about?

Ah, sis, come on.

We all love Cheryl, but
she does have her faults.

Come on, Dana, let's be honest.

It's really Cheryl's
wedding, isn't it?

No, it's my wedding.

Right, right.

Because when you
were a little girl,

you dreamt of wearing your sister's
hand-me-down on your big day.

You guys just don't get it.

There's a big difference
between a hand-me-down

and passing on
a family tradition.

Yes, you're right, you're right.

You know, a lesser person
might think that Cheryl

was trying to relive the magic of
her own wedding through yours.


You know...

What are you doing?

Well, I just thought
it might be a little chilly

in your world, living in your
sister's shadow all the time.

Like, uh, when you had to wear

her old cheerleading
outfit in junior high.

Or go out with her
old boyfriends.

I guess Dana can't
have anything new.

It's a shame, too,
because you know what?

I think you really deserve it.

Hey! Guess what?

I stopped by the shop where I got my
bridesmaids' dresses, and I got fabric samples.


So, you're not going to wear
Dana's old bridesmaid dress?

Of course not. I'm
getting something new.

Look at this. Is
this green beautiful?

Oh, what do you think, Dana?
Cheryl obviously loves it.


Well, it's nice,

but I was thinking
more of a lavender.

No. You know, the
green is beautiful.

Come on, just go
with me on this.



Well, it's my wedding,
and I don't like green.

You're wearing green.

Well, I don't like this.

Okay, whoa, whoa. Calm down.
Just relax here, Dana.

You know what? Everybody
would be much happier

if you just let Cheryl
make all the decisions.

Yeah, yeah. She's the
oldest. She knows best.

Cheryl, you've had your
wedding, okay? Let me have mine.

And, and...

And what?

And I want to wear
my own wedding dress.

Okay, wait a minute.

I thought you loved that dress.

Well, I did. In 1991.


Well, it's a little outdated.

I'm sorry.

I guess I thought you'd
get married a decade ago!

Well, that's just because I
didn't marry the first husky guy

in a flannel shirt
to come along!

Okay, remember,
I am not the enemy.


Okay, are you saying

that I pushed my dress on you?

Yeah, just like you're
pushing everything on me.

Chicken or fish? Chicken
or fish? What is with you!

I was just trying to help.

You know what?
Find your own dress.

That is the first suggestion
you've made that makes any sense.

And it's the last.

Thank you!
No, no, no!

You know what?
You know what?

Thank you!

I mean, like... Ugh!




You know, Andy?

It's like having dinner theater
in your own living room.

Oh, I can't believe that.

That was so stupid.

I got to go talk to her.

Wait, wait.
What are you doing?

Dana's right.

Dana's right. I really...
I crossed the line.

I pushed my dress on her,
and I shouldn't have.

She doesn't want
your wedding dress.

She wants her own.
Just let her get it.

Yeah, you did
everything you could.

You've been a good sister.

You made a very
touching gesture.

But you know what?
It was too big a gesture.

I need to pull everything back

and offer her something
smaller, like...

Like my veil.


There's something
you don't see every day.



I know, I know, I know, I get it,
you're excited about the wedding.

No. No, no, Cheryl.
Now we're just mad.

Yes, mad as hell!

You can't give her that veil.

You're just feeding a
monster Mmm-hmm.

What do you mean?

Cheryl, your sister,
Dana, is selfish.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
what about the time

that she started dating your
old boyfriend in high school?

Did she even bother to ask
you how you felt about that?



Listen, I don't
want to be the one

to influence your
thinking, you know.

You know, I really was
just trying to help.

Damn right you were, honey.

She's just...
She's spoiled.

Always has been.

You should cut the cord, honey.

Yeah, you'd be a fool not to.

You think?

Cheryl, a man like
me doesn't think.

He knows.

You know what?
You're right.

You're right.
You know what?

I wouldn't give her that dress
now if she begged me for it!


That's right, baby,
you're calling the shots now!



What did you just tear
out of my magazine?

Oh, uh, "Secrets
for a successful wedding."

It's for me. It's for
my Some Day file.

It's really a great way to
keep your goals organized.

Until, of course, they're re-filed
into the one called Pipe Dreams!


What brings you by?

I'm going with green.

Just like you said.

But you hate green.

But I love you.

I love you, too.

I'd be honored to wear
your wedding dress.

Jim! You're missing
a special moment!

Are you sure you want
to wear my dress?

I wouldn't want to wear
any other dress.

Jim, seriously, right now!

What? What's going on?

Look at this! Dana
and Cheryl have made up,

and now Dana wants
to wear the dress.

Isn't that great?

BOTH: Isn't it?

Yeah, Ryan helped me see how
foolish this whole argument was.

Oh, he did?

Well, good for you, Ryan!

Come on, I'm going
to put on some coffee,

because I need to talk
to you about centerpieces.

Oh, and if we have time,
can we talk about linens?

For linens, I'll make time.


What the hell did you do?

I took your advice.

We're in the store
looking at shoes.

And I'm standing there thinking,

"You know, I could
jab this heel in my eye.

"Yeah, it'd kill me,
but not quick enough."

Then all of a sudden,
I heard your voice saying,

"There's always a way out.
There's always a way out."

Just the voice,
or floating head?

Floating head. Yeah, I get
that at least once a week.

Look, they're going
to be in there for hours.

I'm going to go catch a
movie. Thank you so much.

I really... Wow.
It's just, I... You know.


Jim, no! I'm going to kill
him! I'm going to kill him!

Hey! I got a better idea.

Next time, instead
of free advice,

you might want to give
someone a real present!

Shut up!

There's got to be
a way out of this.

We got to figure out
what we need.

That's all.
What do we need?

I don't know. Maybe go in,
tell Cheryl the truth.

The truth? No!


We need a wedding dress,
is what we need.

So, we got to get
a wedding dress.

And where do you get
a wedding dress?

I'm serious, where do
you get a wedding dress?

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, you can. Um...

I'm looking for a, uh, wedding
dress that looks just like this.

Oh, I'm sorry. We don't
have anything like that.

Are you sure?

I mean, I've been
looking all over town.

Do you have anything even close?

Jim, hey. I think I got it.

We take the top from this one,

the sleeves from
this one... Uh-huh.

...and the bottom from this.

I think that'll work.

Okay, we need it in
about 5 minutes.

All right, all right. In 30
minutes, we can catch a bite.

Sir, we don't really sell
our gowns in parts.

But we could custom-make
you a gown like your photo.


What's it run,
couple hundred bucks?

Try about $5,000


I'm a member of AAA.

All right.

We're just going to
have to break them up.

That way there'll be no wedding!

For the love of got Jim,
I'm not sleeping with my sister

Hey. Where were you guys?

Uh, we were just driving around,
talking about our hopes and dreams.

Oddly, my dream was coming
home and not getting the third degree.

Well, I'm sorry, honey, but
Dana is waiting to try on the dress.

Yes, but... Can you
go get it, please?

The dress. The dress.
Right. The dress.

I'm going to go get
it right now. Okay.

Just call me
Johnny dress-getter.

What are you talking about?

You got a box full of ashes.

It's over, dress-getter.
We're screwed.

We are not screwed.

You see, that's the difference
between evil genius and a common liar.

Now, you stand back,
watch the master.

By the time I get
upstairs to that attic,

I will have come up with
a way to get out of this.

There's no way out.

There's no way out.

There's no way out.


What are you doing out there?

I can't tell you.

Is that my wedding dress?


Can I have it?



Can't tell you.

Is it because you don't
want Dana wearing it?



I can't tell you.


Is it because it's my dress,

and it won't be as special
if someone else wears it?

Yes, that's good.

I mean, that's really good
that you figured it out

without me having to tell you.

Honey, just...

Like, I had no idea you felt
this passionately about this.

Well, you didn't ask me.


No one ever asks
me anything in the house.

I'd rather torch this dress
than have someone else wear it.

Honey, that is so sweet.

I'll tell you what,

we are going to put
this dress away

and never talk about it again.

Never ever?

Never ever.


You know, just when
I think I know you,

I don't know you.

I know.


I surprise myself sometimes.

Looks like another
sunny day today.

Lately, they've all been sunny.


I have a question.

When I get married, can I
wear your wedding dress?



Come here.

You know, honey,

there's nothing wrong
with just living with a guy.