According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 15 - Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner? - full transcript

Cheryl finds out that Jim made Kyle lie about his age at the cinema, and lectures how there is only right and wrong. Then Dana enlists her to cook for Ryan who thinks Dana is doing the cooking. When Jim finds out, it's only the start.

Piggie Takes a Bride.

"This Porker's a Corker!"

A sequel to Piggie's Day Off?

Hollywood, consider
my appetite whetted.

It's nine bucks a ticket?

I'm not paying that!

Jim, you tried that
at the tollbooth.

These people don't haggle.

Yeah, I'm going to offer
a five, let's see who blinks.

Hey, Kyle, how old are you?

I'm four.

This close! Nuts!

Kyle, what if Daddy needed
you to be three again?

Like, it would
save Daddy's life.

Are you sick, Daddy?


Sick of Hollywood
taking me to the cleaners!

Okay, I'll be three.

That's my boy.

Can we have candy?

No, no. It's too
expensive here.

And besides, I brought a bag
of spaghetti from last night.

Ooh! Good thinking.
I got skirt steak.

We'll share?

Yes, can I have one adult and
two children for the Piggie movie?

Uh, does the boy
need his own ticket?

How old are you?

I'm three.

Yes. And a very smart three.

That's why you're my favorite.


It's just a figure of speech.

And a reminder
to stay on your toes.

All right, thank you.

Uh, yes. Piggie.

Senior citizen discount.

You don't look that old.

Ho! And who says
the young people

don't show respect anymore?

Hey, I remember you.

Mm. I bet you do.

You're the guy who tried to
smuggle in a ham in a baby carriage.

So $9.00, then?

JIM: Oh, baby.


Monkey socks, monkey socks!


You were saying monkey socks.

Ugh. I was asleep.

Jim and Andy took
the kids to a movie.

That was my first
nap in five years.

I miss naps.

And, one assumes, monkey socks.


"One assumes." I have
a dry and witty boyfriend,

who's a doctor!

Okay, I got to go, but
I don't want to say it.

You say it.
You say it.

Okay, together.
One, two, three...

BOTH: Bye.

Oh, bye-bye.
Call me.

I'll call you.



Things are going well.

Really well. I think
Ryan and I are ready

to take it to the next level.

(GASPS) You mean you
guys are going to...

Oh, please, Cheryl,
we did that on the first...

Fourth date.

No, I mean, I want to throw a
big family dinner at my place.

See, Ryan's always talking
about how his mom used to cook

big Sunday dinners
for the whole family.

That is so sweet!

Yeah, well, if he likes
cornball, I'll give him cornball.

I just want him to see
my domestic side.

But that side doesn't exist.

I know. That's why
you're cooking

and I'm taking the credit.

Here's the menu I prepared.

Oh. Okay.

Noisette of lamb pernod,

salad Nicoise,

potato Lyonnaise.

Well, sounds simple enough.

Yeah. Look, Cheryl, I know
this sounds like a lot of work,

but I'm totally
willing to help out.

Oh. How?

Oh. I thought you were just
going to say, "No, no, I got it."


How are you?
Did you get some rest?

I did.

Good, good, because Andy here

bought three bags
of candy for the kids.

You're going to have to make
them go in the backyard

and dig holes or
something before bedtime.

"We want caramel blobs,
we want caramel blobs."

I don't know where they
were putting them all.

Uncle Andy, can we
take your picture?

Ah, sure. They
love their uncle.

Yeah. Don't they?

Come on, girls, let's
go find a camera.

And some gummy bears.

All right, my young man.

Why don't you go upstairs?
It's time to take a bath.

Daddy, can I be four again?

You sure can, young man.

You're only three at the movies.

And by the way,
you did a great job.

Santa's going to hear about it.


Jim, what...

You told him to lie
to get him in for free?

Sure, I did. And by the
way, he did a great job.

He's a natural. He'll
make a great politician.

Jim, you made our son
lie to save two bucks?

Four, Cheryl. $4!

You may recognize it as an
hour's pay if you had a job.

Okay. Now you got
two fights going.

Cheryl, as Piggie
said to Mayor Chicken,

"No ham, no fowl."

Jim! What you
did is wrong.


What kind of wrong, Cheryl?

I submit it's acceptably wrong.

Acceptably wrong?
Acceptably wrong.

No, there's no such thing.
It's either wrong or it's right.

Cheryl, there's a whole
scale of what's wrong.

No! Sure there is. At
the top of the scale,

there's really bad
things, like Bible bad.

Like cannibalism.

Felonies. Uh, anything that would
get you strapped into old sparky.

Oh... And then at the
bottom of the scale,

is, you know, what you say
to women to get them in bed.

And in the middle, there's
a whole ocean of gray.

Come, Cheryl.

Sail with me.

No, no, that is not
how I see things.

Cheryl, you're telling me you
wouldn't roll through a stop sign

if there was no one there?
That you've never done that?


I come to a full and
complete stop. That's the law.

Cheryl, I'm going to heaven

just because I'm married to you.

So, you would never, then, ever pour
down old motor oil down a kitchen sink?

Oh, my God!

Oh, relax, Cheryl.

Not our sink.

Jim, Jim.

Kids learn good
values by example.

Cheryl... Your little scheme
taught him it's okay to lie.

Or it taught them how
the real world works.


I try every day to be a good
example for our children.

You know, I can't do it alone.

Why not?

You got nothing else going on.

Okay. So we're back
to the other fight.


Ah, those girls.
I know they tease me,

but it comes from
a place of love.

Hey, I'm going to hit
that coffee shop

where all the hot girls come
in and order their tea and read.

I think they're going to enjoy a
page-turner called The Andyman.

How do I look?

Like a king.


What's happening?
What's up?

Okay, so far, all I've been able
to get out of Principal Farrow

is that Gracie was caught
turning in homework

that was clearly done
by somebody else.

And you think I did it?

Of course not.
It's homework.

I wanted you here so she
knows how serious this is.

I need her to know
that you don't approve.

Oh, she knows I don't
approve of cheating. Come on!

Really? How would
she know that?

By watching you follow a hearse so
you won't have to stop at red lights?

I had to pee!


Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.

Hey, girls.

Mr. Farrow,
why is Ruby here?

Because we've determined Ruby
was the one who did Gracie's homework.

You got the good one, too!

Oh, stop it!

Have a seat.

(STAMMERING) Yeah, what's
going... Come over here, young lady.

What's going on here?

How do you know that
Gracie didn't do the work?

Well, her teacher was suspicious
when Gracie's assignment

seemed neater and more
complete than usual.

But when we saw Gracie had
done the extra credit questions...

Gracie, Gracie, you got greedy.

You flew too close to the sun!

I'm sorry, Mommy,

but I thought it was okay
because I was helping Gracie.

No, honey, it's not.

Not even for a really good
reason. Wrong is wrong.

Even if it's for a sister?

Even if it's for your sister.

But Aunt Dana's Mommy's sister,

and Mommy's cooking
a special dinner for her.

Whoo! I'm tired of talking.
Who wants ice cream?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sit down.

What does Aunt Dana
have to do with this?

Mommy's cooking dinner so Aunt
Dana can tell Ryan she cooked it.

Because that's what sisters do.

That's what you said, Mommy.

Yeah, um...

Well, well, well.

What's happening?

I'll let the wife
explain it to you.

But be easy on the girls
because they were led astray

by someone they trusted.

Cheryl, I have spent a lot
of time in a principal's office.

I've been yelled at.
I've been suspended.

I've been humiliated.

But I have never,
ever left a winner

until today.

You know what? If I could
follow a hearse on the way home,

this would be the best
day of my life!

Oh, there you are. I really need to
talk to you about my gourmet meal...

Not a good time.

What's going on here?

Are the conspirators
hatching a little dark plot

to snare a man?

What's on the menu here?

Oh! Chili con your boyfriend?

A lie-sagna?

Wait a minute.

I drove all the way home
thinking of these.

Or for dessert,
New York cheese fake?

So Cheryl is cooking dinner
for me. What's the big deal?


Tell me, my young bride.

Would you consider
this situation right

or wrong?

I think I remember somebody
telling me there are no gray areas.

What was her name?

She was a role model.

No, that's my name.

Jim, get off her case.
No one's getting hurt.

Really? No one's
getting hurt?

A perfectly decent, honest man

is being tricked into
believing his girlfriend

is a fantastic cook,
and no one is getting hurt?

My God, I love the view up
here from Mount Highground.

Look, I promise, I'll learn
to cook eventually.

You know, when my husband
loses his hair and lets his body go.

So stay out of it, Jim.

Oh, Dana, I don't know.
I think Jim's got a point.

This is wrong.

I don't think I can do it.

Cheryl, Cheryl, even though
I think your scheme is wrong,

I'm not saying not to do it.


Come on, Cheryl, just
this once. I need this dinner.

She's your only sister.

Yeah. Ryan's the one.
I can feel it.

And he's a doctor.

Come on, Cheryl.

You really think he's the one?


Well, it's not exactly right...

But if it's that
important to you...

Oh! Rolling through
the stop sign!


No traffic.
I'm speeding now!

Because "exactly right"

is the same
as "acceptably wrong"?


I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.

Were you saying, "You're
right, old wise one"?

Yeah, that was it.

Okay, so you'll cook the
dinner and say that I did it?

Yes. Oh, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

And dress down.
I really want to shine.

But not a word
about this to Ryan.

Why would I say anything
to him? I'm a pro.

I work in lies like The Da
Vinci Code works in oils.


welcome to the great gray
ocean, where wrong floats.

The great gray ocean?

I thought you were
on Mount Highground.

I'm all over the map, baby.

I'm on high ground here.
I'm in the ocean.

I'm in the playground.
I'm on the island.

I'm on the table! I'm in
the bed! I'm on the toilet!

Yeah, how about the living room?

I'm in the living room!

Ah, Doc, here you go.

So, how's work?

I had a tough call
to make on Friday.

One of my patients, a pregnant
woman due in eight weeks,

incompetent cervix.


What, did she, uh,
she fire the guy?

Um, actually, um...

Oh, come on. I know
what the cervix is.


It's the front door
to the baby oven.

Okay, let's make this look
good. Tie the apron on me.

Make sure he can
still see my butt.

I did two hours on the
StairMaster yesterday.

You know, maybe we can tell
him that we cooked it together.

Then it's not a complete lie.

Cheryl, this is true love.

The only thing that's going
to work is a complete lie.


Hey, sorry I'm late.

Things got a little crazy
at my Star Wars club.

Somebody said Episode II
was better than Episode V,

and before you know it, Chewbacca
threw a chair at Jango Fett.

I'll, uh, put your toy
with your cloak.

Don't mock the Force.

Hello, Kyle.

Uncle Andy, will you do
my sticker book with me?

Well, that depends.

Do you have the guilty stain

of caramel blobs on your hands?

Get out!

How about you two, huh?

That was a week ago.

Get over it.

Hey, why don't you
two get over this?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Yeah, that's a bill, ladies,
from my dry cleaners.

I will be speaking to your parents
about garnishing your allowance.

We're getting an allowance?


No, no allowances.

You see what you started!

Okay, everybody,
dinner is ready.


Wow, look at those plates, huh?

I know. Doesn't it look great?

Yeah. You know what?
Before we start to eat,


You know, a special meal like
this deserves a special toast.

To our hostess Dana,

whose hard work
and special attention

that she put into
this meal is almost...

What's the word?


I know I don't believe it.


That gravy is scalding.

Oh, oh, honey,
I'm sorry. My bad.

Here, why don't you put some
butter on that and shut your yap?

To Dana!

Thank you.


You know, the
inspiration for this meal

came when I told Dana
how my mom used to cook

traditional Sunday
dinners when I was a kid.

And, uh, I really want
to thank you, honey,

for recreating it
without my mom's

political ramblings.

Um, anyway, I got to tell you

that the love and warmth here,

I find it very moving, so...

Easy on the wine, Doc.
You're starting to blubber.


Okay, everybody sit down.
I did not slave

in the kitchen for two
days for nothing.

Let's eat while it's hot.

Huh. It's hot,
all right.

Yup, it's blistering.


These potatoes
are fantastic, Dana.

You really outdid
yourself tonight.

What exactly does one put
in Lyonnaise potatoes?

Andy, more gravy?


Yeah, Dana, what
do you put in them?

Are you going to
pour gravy on him?


Well, uh...

I start with
potatoes, obviously.

And then, um...

You know, I can really
taste the onion.

Cheryl, please, I'm talking.

Onion, front and center.

What's that, Gracie?
Oh, you'd like to know

how your Aunt Dana made
this wonderful lamb roast?

You know what? So do I.

What is that unique
spice? Ow! Ow!

Are you okay, Jim?
Oh, oh, he's fine.

He does that when he likes
something. It's like a James Brown, ow!

Yeah, like, ow!
Roast lamb!

Ow! It's good!

Ow! Ow!

I got to tell you, I mean,
everything is really, really yummy.

I mean, this whole meal
is just terrific. Don't...

I mean, it's just really... You
know, and being here tonight

and all this, it's just...

It's really just part of a picture that
I've had in my mind for some time.

And I mean... Yeah, you
know, I've seen you, Dana,

as this beautiful,
vibrant, exciting woman,

and now to see you here,

you know, with your family, surrounded
by the people that love you so much.

It's just...

(EXHALES) You know, I know
this is fast, and I may sound crazy,

but I...

Dana, I would just
love to see you

as my wife and the
mother of my children.

Dana, will you marry me?

I didn't cook it!


You did. You did. You slaved
in the kitchen for two days,

and it's paying off, damn it!

No, just forget it, Cheryl.

I can't cook!
Cheryl did all of this.

I'm just a beautiful,
vibrant fraud.

That is not true.
Dana can cook.

Cheryl can't cook.

Her meat loaf
tastes like sawdust.

Sawdust? I wish. At
least sawdust is tasteless.

I don't like her spaghetti.

I don't like her pudding.

That's because she
buys the cheap stuff.

Who skimps on pudding?


Oh, look, Ryan,

I'm sorry for lying to you.
It's not their fault.

They're just trying
to protect me.

Of course they are. You
have an amazing family.

They love you so much.

And I do, too.

Are you sure?

I mean, the fact that you
could manipulate your sister

into going to all
this trouble for me?

That's incredible.

I got to say, I've always
felt that a well-crafted lie

shows just as much effort as
actually doing something nice.

Hear, hear!
You're all right, Doc!

But Ryan, I don't want our
marriage to be based on lies.

Eleven years and
still going strong.




I know.

You're not mad at me
for tricking you?

I mean, you don't
think it was wrong?

No. I mean, something this
right could never be wrong.


just tell me you'll marry me.

I will!


We got to call mom!
We got to call mom!

Call mom!

I wasn't actually even done
yet, but we're going to call Mom.


Man, that was quick.

Daddy, how come when we lied about
doing Gracie's homework we got in trouble,

but when Aunt Dana lied,
she got engaged?

Well, you know, honey, uh...

Life doesn't make
sense sometimes.

Want a little piece of pie?

But we're not done with dinner.


That doesn't make sense.

That's the lesson.

Hey, now everybody's married.

Oh, except you.

I was married.

Till she left you.

I've moved on.

Have you?

Oh, God, I'm all alone!

Ah, Andy!

Now all of Mom's "Why aren't you
married?" focus is going to be on me!

Come on, relax, Andy.

Look, Dana's getting married.

Your mom's not going to
even be thinking about you.

You think?
I know.

Andy, Mom wants to talk to you.

Oh, my God.