According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 11 - Sympathy from the Devlins - full transcript

Jim finds something in common with the Devlins: fandom of The Bulls. He starts believing that the Devlins are a good luck charm. When Cheryl forces him to watch a game without the Devlins, he starts meeting them secretly on game n...

Go Bulls!

Come on, you can do it!

Come on,
they're on fire tonight.

They're only down by 17.

Let's go play outside.
The Bulls stink.


They do not stink!

They're just rebuilding
this year.

Hey, hey, we're on offense.

Dribble, dribble, dribble!

Hey, guys.

Cheryl, the Bulls are losin'!

Ugh. My mistake.

Here you go. Three
comeback sandwiches.

Oh, yes. These babies helped
beat the Pistons in '91.

Ham. Where's the ham?
It won't work without the ham.

I'll take it.

CHERYL: You know,
I'm starting to think

these silly superstitions
are just...



You know, I'm starting to think

these silly superstitions
are just an excuse

for you guys
to stuff your faces.

Cheryl, there is nothing silly

about what we're doing.

Oh, we're on defense.
Hands up, hands up!


Hi, Cheryl!

ALL: The Devlins!

Hey, hey, hey, it's the dizzles
in the hizzle, my bizzles!

Tim, Cindy, what a surprise.

Yeah. Well, Timbuktu
and I were working out,

and I said, "Don't you
just love the gym?"

And I said, "I sure
do, Cindy-lou-who,

"but not the gym
you're thinking of."

Give up the love,
my funky fresh brother!



First we went to the gym,

and then we went
to... the Jim!


Yeah, get it?

Yeah, it's a pretty
straight line.

You know, it's so sweet

of you guys to stop by,
but unfortunately

we're just on our way out.

We're just gonna go get...

Ice cream.

Ice-cream massages.
It's very relaxing.

Oh! Oh, gosh,
every time we drop in

it's right as you're
heading out. Sad face.

MAN ON TV: Another 3! And
with just one minute remaining,

the Bulls are on a 15-point run.

Oh, my God, it's a miracle!

Look, rumple-Timskin,
basketball, huh?

Hey, do you know we met when
we were cheerleaders in college?

Let's do it. Uh, uh.

Let's just move this little flea
market treasure out of the way.

BOTH: Defense, defense,
rah, rah, rah!

Their team's coach
wears a big pink bra!

Whoo! Yeah!

TIM: Whoo!

Whoa! Unbelievable!
The Bulls just tied it up!

What? They've been getting
killed all night until...

The Devlins came.

Do another cheer. Quick,
quick, do another cheer.

Yeah, yeah.
Ungawa, ungawa,

the Bulls have got the
power! Hey, it's your birthday!

it's your birthday!


Go... Bulls! Whoo! Yeah!


MAN ON TV: And Hinrich hits a
three at the buzzer! The Bulls win!

Oh, my God!

They just broke
an 8-game losing streak!

Give up the love,
my funky fresh brother!

JIM: Oh, baby!

Five, four, three, two, one!

MAN ON TV: And the Bulls have
won a laugher over the Denver Nuggets.

Ho ho ho ho! Touch my ball,
touch my ball, touch my ball!

Oh, boy, we have got
quite a winning streak

going here, don't we, Jimbabwe?

Yes, we do. Five times
together, five wins.

And I love winning,
'cause it makes me horny.



Hey, hey, you know what?
Game's over.


Game's over, and Jim and I have
plans for the rest of the afternoon.

Not to worry, you sly boots.

I know code for...

...when I hear it.

Guess we'll be on our way.

What a big pile of sad.

Well, you two kids have fun.


Ho, Cheryl, whoo!
What a day! What a day!

The Bulls win,
and we're gonna have sex!

No, we're not!

The Devlins said!

Would you forget
about the Devlins?

They are ruining our lives!

Cheryl, the Bulls are 15
games out of first place,

and you're worried
about our lives?

How selfish can you be?

You know what? I put
up with the Bulls pillow.

I've respected
the Cubs goat curse.

I even looked the other
way when you insisted

on watching the NFL draft

in my maternity underwear.

Cheryl, everyone in that bar
was behind me.

Jim, you have a problem!

I do not have a problem!


Then watch the next game
without the Devlins.

All right.
I can do that.


Thank you, honey.

Not a problem.

What a big pile of sad!

MAN ON TV: 37 seconds remaining,
and the Bulls are down by five.

Wow, isn't this
an exciting game? Huh?

And so much more fun
without the Devlins.

We're just down by five.
We can do this.

Yeah, yeah, we don't need
the stupid Devlins.

Hey, let's do our
own cheer. Yeah.

Go Bulls!
Go, go, go!

And then go some more!

And then go, go!



MAN ON TV: Gordon throws up
a Hail Mary...


No good.
And the Pacers win,

ending the Bulls'
six-game winning streak.

Okay, honey, honey, I'm sorry,

but you do know
it has nothing to do

with the Devlins not being here.

I know.


I know.

Because it's your fault!

All of your faults!

Yeah, that's right. I
married into a jinx family.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you
what I'm talking about.

The Bulls won six championships

when we lived on Taylor Street.

Then Cheryl wanted to move here

because of the "good
schools," And then zip!

Take it easy, man.

No, no, you take it easy, man.

And what about you?
Growing your goatee in '93,

You spooked Jordan
and he went to baseball.

It was disastrous
for both of you.

And you, when you got that perm,

you made Phil Jackson
all self-conscious

about his weird hair

boom, he's on a plane to LA!

Jim! Are you even
listening to yourself?

Yes, Cheryl.
I'm a genius.

I can listen and talk
at the same time!

I want my Devlins!

I want my Devlins!

All right, all right,
move aside.

He needs some tough love.

You disgust me!



Cheryl, he has a perky
two-headed monkey on his back.

Turn away if you're weak.

Dana, Dana, Dana,
that's not gonna help.

You gotta wind up more.


Would you stop
hitting my husband?

Jim, honey, honey.

We love you.

But your obsession with
sports is hurting people.

Well, then
why are my cheeks sore?

'Cause we need to knock
some sense into you!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

So help me God, Jim.

Okay, Jim...

Okay, think about it this way.


What if you had
a drinking problem?

What would you do?

Switch to beer?

No. You'd quit.

So what's the non-alcoholic
version of basketball?

Women's basketball?


No basketball!

Jim, you've got to stop
watching the Bulls,

at least for a little while.

No Bulls?

Oh, baby, I know.

I know it's hard, but
it's for your own good.


I have been getting
a little crazy.

I got to do something about it.

No Bulls!

No Devlins!

(WHIMPERS) Ohh. Shh,
shh, shh, shh. No, baby.

It's okay, it's okay.

No. Shh.

We're gonna get
through this, Jim.

And... Break!


ALL: Watermelon, watermelon,
watermelon rind!

Look at the scoreboard
and see who's behind!

Go Bulls!

Whoo! Yeah!
Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

This is fun, watching
the game in a motel.

Oh, yeah. I'm glad you're
getting your house fumigated.

And the best part as soon as
the game's over, we hit the pool!


So, you guys want to meet
here for the next game?

On Saturday?
That's weird.

When we had our house fumigated,

we moved back in after two days.

Well, I'm getting
the whole package

you know, termites,
cobras, tigers.

Hey, mission Timpossible,

do you smell something burning?

I sure do, Cin Fransassco.

'Cause a certain liar,
liar's pants are on fire.

Mmm, he's staying
in a cheap motel,

he hasn't showered in days...

Oh, my God.
You left Cheryl!

No, damn it, no!


Easy, easy.

I didn't leave my wife.

Please. Something's rotten
in the state of Jimmark.

We're not watching
another minute

of this game until
you tell us the truth!

This breakup has been the
hardest thing I've ever been through.

Oh, my God!

If this bed wasn't
covered in the crust

of a thousand illicit affairs,

I would throw myself
on it and cry!

Looks like you both
need a good cry.

Guess that's why God gave me
two big broad shoulders.

Thanks a lot,
Tim... sylvania.



Can I ask you guys a favor?


You think, uh,

you think you can
keep this from Cheryl?

Because, you know, she's
really having a hard time,

and I just want her to be happy.

I mean, think about it. We got
the playoffs to look forward to.

What does she have to live for?

The children?

Yeah, yeah, right,
the children and stuff.

You know, I love
having the TV on Saturday

now that Jim's
not watching the games.

Did you know the spice channel
is not about cooking?

Speaking of the spice channel,

what's Jim been doing with
his time? (DOORBELL RINGS)

You're not gonna believe it.
He joined a gym.


Yes, he's upstairs getting
ready to go swimming right now.

Oh, my God.



Wow, this cold weather
really does a number

on your hair. Frizz!

Hey, North Cherylina!

Mm! Come on!


Oh, yeah. I'd like you
to meet my brother.

This is Josh kosh b'gosh.

Nice to meet you.

I prefer Josh.
Tim knows that.

Hi. I'm Dana.

Whoa, whoa!
Easy there, single girl.

Why don't you go make
some tea? He's for Cheryl.

Actually, I am not
single. I have a boyfriend.

He's a doctor.

Mmm, and he does
great work. Now scoot!

Okay, I'm off to the poo...

What are you guys doing here?

It's only 3:00.

Not that that means anything.

Ha ha.

Hey there, Jimbalaya.
What are you doing here?

Oh, you know,
just visiting my kids

and everybody because,
you know, it is my house.

Yeah. Hey, I'd like
you to meet my brother...

Josh. My name's
Josh. Just Josh.

I just got out
of a relationship,

but I think I'm
ready to date again.


I'm on the decorations
committee for the school dance.

Hey! You know what?

I don't think I've shown you
our new hummingbird feeder,

Cindy Cindy bang bang!

What's going on?

You're supposed
to meet me at the motel!

We wanted to drop off
Josh for Cheryl first.

There's no way we
could enjoy the game

knowing she'd be all alone.


Yeah. See, Joshashana
is single. Huh?

So we thought one
plus one equals love.

You're setting up Cheryl
with Tim's brother?

What were you thinking?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you not ready for
Cheryl to see other people?

Of course I am!

It's just the game
is at 3:00!

We're not gonna have time
to go see it at the hotel!

We're gonna have to see it here!

Oh, potentially awkward, yeah.

Yes, you know?

We got to get these
lovebirds out of here.

Oh, if your heart
were any bigger,

you'd need medication!

Let's just not tell Cheryl

about the setup, okay?

She might not react
in a favorable way.


Hey, you know what?
Cindy just told me

about this great Chinese place
up the interstate.

Oh! Josh, why don't
you take Cheryl there?

Without you?

Cheryl, I got to swim!

I'm gonna go help Dana
in the kitchen.

I'm sorry.
Who are you again?

Oh. I'm the husband.

Don't worry. It's cool.


Everybody's acting
really weird out there.

Well, you have three
Devlins in your house.

I'm surprised everyone's
still wearing their pants.

Thank you.

Cheryl, a little bird just
told me Josh really likes you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Cheryl, honey, you
can stop hiding your pain.

Jim told us you split up.


Yeah! It's okay, it's okay.

We know Jim's living in a motel.

We've been there for
the last four Bulls games.


So, now that I'm single,

you want to set me up with Josh.

Yes. And Jim is
being super-supportive.


He just wants to see you happy.

That man is a saint.

I don't know why
you slept around on him.

Interstate 194 north
to the fourth exit.

The Chinese restaurant...

You know, Josh, I am
in the mood for Chinese.

Let's go out.

Great. I think
we should take my van.

Only if it has shag carpeting.

Even on the ceiling.

Wow, shag carpeting
and Chinese food?

How will I ever
come back to this?

Wait! Wait, Cheryl.
Cheryl, wait.

It's cold out.
Grab a coat.

Yes! Yes, one minute
to spare. Perfect timing.

Oh, my God. I hope the Bulls
appreciate what I'm doing.

Are you freaking kidding me?

You're gonna let me
go out on a date?

Oh, come on! It's not like
you were gonna do anything!

Hey! You told me
she was easy.

Excuse me?

Three kids and pushing 35?
Frankly, you were a tough sell.

Tim, Cindy,

I really appreciate
all you've done for me.

And if I do leave Jim,

which is looking
more and more likely...

Josh will definitely
be on my short list.

But for now, I really think I'm
gonna stay and work on my marriage.

Well, I'm still in the mood
for Chinese food. Later.

Josh, wait, wait!

I hate for you to eat alone.


We are gonna work
on our marriage,

even if it takes all night.


God, this is just like
watching one of my soaps.

Looks like we've sewn a crop
of joy here, Timmy appleseed.

Let's go home and
have some makeup sex.

But we didn't have a fight.

Yes, we did.
No, we didn't.

Yes, we did.
No, we didn't.

You win!

Wait. Wait!

Don't leave!
Don't leave!

This marriage is over!

Her love is dead!
It's a corpse!

Can you see that?

The game is about to start!

Hey, baby.


Looks like we have
some things to talk about.

Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

And as soon as we watch
the game, I'm all ears.


Are you sure you wanna
go for that remote?

Yeah. That's
what makes me think

that I'm not learning anything.


You do care about
our marriage, right?

Yes, I do!

I mean, 99 times out of 100

I wouldn't let you
go out with another guy.

But this is for the Bulls

and for the people of Chicago

and the greater
metropolitan area.

Then help the people
of Chicago move to Detroit!

Jim, you're acting crazy.

I am crazy, Cheryl!

And there's a madman
and a crazy man

down the street wearing the same
Bulls underwear for the whole season.

And there's another guy
across town

hopping on one leg when
the Bulls are on offense.

All over the city,

people are doing stupid things

because they believe, Cheryl.

And if there's enough
stupid people out there

acting like idiots
and doing stupid things,

then maybe
we can bring the Bulls

all the way to the playoffs!

Jim, you threw me
into the arms of a stranger!

You are out of control!

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking about
what the score is right now!

All right, I got a problem. I got a
problem. I got a big, big problem.

Yeah! You're putting
your love of sports

ahead of your love
of your wife and your family.

Don't ask me to give up sports!

Jim, I'm not. I'm not.

I wouldn't ask you
to give up sports, Jim.

It's part of who you are.

You've always been a little
crazy when it came to sports.


Oh, I just love you so much.

Okay, so we're good, right?

No, no, no, no! Jim!



I need you to go back
to your normal crazy.

Before you were meeting people
we can't stand in motel rooms

or sending me off
on the interstate

with some guy
and his good times van.

Yeah, that might have been bad.

Look, I'm never gonna
get that crazy again.

All right.

That's all I ask.

Can I watch the game now?

If you can do it with
a modicum of sanity,

be my guest.

MAN ON TV: Oh, an inauspicious
start for the Bulls...

Damn it, they're down!


But I'm cool with it, baby.

Saw the Devlins' car
in the driveway.

I thought you were
gonna give them up.

You promised.
What about me, huh?

I can be good luck.
I can be a Devlin!


Andy, Andy,
this is not the time!

It's never the time anymore!

MAN ON TV: Duhon throws
a three and the foul!

Andy, wait a minute!

Those bikini briefs.

They're good luck!

Come on in!

Give up the love,
my funky fresh brother!