According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 10 - Stalking Santa - full transcript

Christmastime. A man bumps his car into Jim's car and upsets him. Cheryl talks Jim into settling the issue officially. When Jim sees the man as Santa at the shopping mall, he gets into a dust-up with him. And things snowball from there.


Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on!

You know, this is what I
hate about the holidays.

There's no
parking spaces anywhere.

Sounds like somebody could
use a little Christmas spirit.

Oh, Cheryl.


Okay, okay, okay, I got
the stupid spirit now.

Can you stop singing?

Oh, look, there's a lady
with some bags.

Ask her if she's leaving.

Cheryl, I'm not gonna
ask her anything.

She's old. She's gonna
want to talk.


All right, shut it off.
Shut it off. I'll ask her.

Excuse me, ma'am?

Alan, is that you?

That birdhouse you
built me fell down!

Well, don't worry.

I'll be over tomorrow to fix it.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you.

I don't know why I ever
listen to anyone but me!

Oh, look! There's a
spot. That guy's leaving.

Oh, good eye,
good eye, good eye.

Hey! Hey,
did you see that?

That jerk just took
my parking spot!

I know, I know. We'll
find another one.

No, but I found it first!
It's mine, it's mine!

It's my spot! Mine!

Jim, it's Christmas.
Let it go.



But next Halloween, you're
egging houses with me.


Hey! He just
hit my car!

He's a dead man!

No, no. No, honey,
count to 10. Count to 10.


Jim! Jim!

My territory.
My territory, Cheryl.

Let's not make this
the Christmas

I have to bail you out of jail.

Cheryl, that jerk just
backed right into us.

I know, I know, honey.
Honey, it's the holiday season.

This is the time of year
to be our better selves.

Cheryl, why is it always
my job to be the better self?

Why can't it be his job?
Why can't it be the season

for him not to be
a sucky driver?

Jim, I want you to be nice

because it's important to me.


I'll be nice.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas...

Idiot! You backed
into my van! Oh... Jim!

Hey, I'm sorry.

I was listening to Howard Stern.

He's got two strippers kissing.

You guys okay?

Do we look okay?
Yeah, you look fine.

Well, then we're fine.

But my car's not fine.

You just banged
the hell out of it.

Well, I'll have a look-see.

Come have a look-see.

Okay. You look, and you'll see.

I'll see.

Right there.

Oh, yeah, you're right.
Looks like I kind of

tagged you a little bit
there, didn't I?

Cheryl, that's
an admission of guilt.

Note the time.
Got it.

I'll just write out my
insurance information for you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Insurance is for
having, not for using.

I want cash.

CHERYL: No, no, no, no!

Jim, that is not how
it works. Cheryl...

But we'll take your
insurance information,

and we'll be on our way.

Well, thanks for being
so understanding.

And, hey, that's a really swell
Christmas scarf you got there.

Oh, thank you. You
know, I knitted it myself.

And wait, my brooch...
My brooch, it plays...

Cheryl, don't.

Okay, so, uh,

you guys have a
super-duper Christmas.

Aw, thank you.

"Super-duper Christmas"?

Who says something like that?


It's "Merry Christmas"
or "Happy holidays."

Have a little respect
for Christmas,

you jackass!

JIM: Oh, baby!

So, Jacob Marley
said to Scrooge,

"I am here this
night to warn you.

"You will be haunted
by three spirits."

What are spirits?

You know, ghosts.


We don't like ghosts.

No ghosts!

Okay, um...
What do you like?

Hilary Duff.

Lil' Romeo.

Ice cream.

Okay, you will be
haunted by Hilary Duff,

Lil' Romeo,

and ice cream.

What flavor?

Oh! Do you guys want
me to read this or not?

We told you we didn't.

Fine! A two-year old
Christmas tradition is dead.

Well, the tradition of you boring
people out of the room is alive.

Well, well, well,
Cheryl, I hope you're happy.

Well, how could I
not be? It's Christmas.

Although, I can't find
my musical brooch.

Did you look
underneath my hammer?

Cheryl, I just got off the
phone with the insurance agent.

You know that guy that
hit us in the parking lot?

He gave me fake information.

Yes, Cheryl.

Isn't that super-duper?

Yeah, Cheryl.

Once again, your
blind faith in humanity

has bitten us in
the ass! Well...

I should have just handled it
the way I wanted to handle it.

Throw his shirt over
his head and pants him?


I should have married you.


Now, Cheryl, it's gonna
cost us five big ones to fix it.


Well, 5 medium ones.

$500, Cheryl!
We're out 500 bucks.

Well, I hope you like love,

because that's all
I can afford this year.

Well, it's better than that
lawnmower you got her last year.

She got a lot of use
out of that lawnmower!

Look, Jim, you're right, okay?

I am right. That guy was a jerk.

That guy was a jerk, and I'm
really sorry about the money.

Money... But you know what?

I am not gonna let him or you

or anybody else ruin
Christmas for this family.

Cheryl, I'm sorry, that's already
happened. It's already done.

Hey, hey, hey! It's never
too late for Christmas.

Now, I want you to take
your kids down to the mall,

put them in Santa's lap,

and get some frickin'
Christmas spirit, now!

You know, I'm the last
one to point fingers here,

but it's pretty stupid of you

not to write down that
joker's license plate.

I mean, what were you thinking?

Hey! Hey!


That reminds me, I
got to go order my ham.



Daddy, how come we
saw Santa outside the store

ringing the bell,
and now he's here, too?

That's a good question, honey.

And even though I've
explained it three times

since the parking lot,

I'm gonna tell you again.

All the Santas you
see are Santa's helpers,

and they report to
the real Santa,

because he signs their paycheck.

Is his pen a candy cane?

Honey, why don't you
give Daddy a break

and just stand over there, huh?

JIM: Where you been?

Cruisin' the food
court for hot moms.


No bites, just some nibbles.

It's okay. I got
nothing but time.

I wouldn't bet on it.

SANTA: Ho ho ho! Have
a super-duper Christmas!

Super-duper Christmas?

That's him.



No, it's Santa's helper.

No, no, that's the
guy that hit our car

in the parking lot!
He owes me money!

Well, you best handle
your business, my man.

You watch the kids.
I'm gonna talk to him.

Okay, next!
Ho ho!


You're a little big to
be sitting in Santa's lap.

Yeah, well, you're a little big

to be wearing
those fruity shoes!

Beat it!

Ho ho ho!

Well, remember me, Santa?

Or do you need the
sound of scraping metal

to jog your memory?

Ho ho ho!

Santa doesn't know what
the hell you're talking about.

I think you do.

You owe me five big ones to
fix my minivan. Now come on!

Five... $5,000?

Five hundred. Since when
did "big" mean 1,000?

Come on, cough it up.

Okay, okay.

Fake information!
Give me my money!

I got my checkbook right here.

Give me the check!
It better not bounce!


Elves, attack!



Uncle Andy, Daddy's
fighting with Santa!

Anyway, I...

Wouldn't mind unwrapping
you Christmas morning.


My Christmas kitty plays rough.

Dana, would you give
me some help here?

I don't know.
You gonna knit me

one of your handmade
Christmas scarves again this year?

Yes, I am.

I'll be inside.

Hey! How
was Santa?

Daddy punched him
and the cops came.


Security guards.

Not any real authority,
you know.

Now Santa's mad at us,

and we're not going
to get any presents.

'Cause Santa's helpers
are gonna tell him.

Now we're gonna get
coal in our stockings.

What's coal?

Oh, honey, don't
even worry about that.

Mommy and Daddy are
gonna take care of everything.

Now why don't you go
inside and see if Aunt Dana

will make you some cocoa, okay?


Go ahead, yeah.

That's a girl, that's a boy.

You punched Santa
in front of the kids?

Yes, I did.
I certainly did.

You know who Santa
turned out to be?

The guy who ran his
car into our minivan.

What? Yeah, that
crook, the criminal,

the guy who
ripped us off. But...

Your macho man
got five big ones.

Oh, honey.

Five medium ones, baby,

and I'm gonna go celebrate.

I'm gonna go celebrate
and wait in line

for a little hot cocoa.


Have you heard
nothing I've said?

Jim, this is a special
time of year when

maybe we don't
get into fistfights!

How about him? He should
have the Christmas spirit!

He's Santa!
I'm just a civilian.

Come on, Cheryl,
give me a break.

Do you know that the kids
think Christmas is ruined?

No, they don't. Maybe
they think that... Yes.

...their father doesn't take
crap from anyone, even Santa.

They don't care about that!

They care about Christmas.

Come on, don't you love
seeing their little faces

light up with excitement when
they think Santa's on his way?

Honey, their face
lights up with excitement

when they pull a little
toy out of their cereal box.

So does yours!


You need to get in the car,

take those kids
down to the mall,

and make nice in front of Santa.

Oh, Cheryl!

You know what?

That kind of thinking is
why you married down.

Come on.

Come on.

I know Christmas Jim
is in there somewhere!

All right.

I got to go down there anyway.

I left Andy in the food court.

A bit of a dust-up
at the card shop.

Long story short,

if a big, angry husband
comes over here,

you and I are a couple.

What happened to combing
the newspaper for widows?

That seemed to work for a while.

Not really. They
always cried during sex,

and that's kind of my thing.

Hey, kids!

You excited about seeing Santa?

Yeah, because Daddy and Santa

are gonna be friends again.

That's right, and you guys

are gonna get all your presents.

ALL: Yay!

ELF: Okay, next!

Okay, I'm gonna go talk
to Santa. Watch them.


Oh, no!
It's you again!

No, no, I...

I'm gonna call security!

No, no, no, wait a minute.
You don't have to do that.

I just want to talk
to Santa, okay?

All I want to do is
shake hands with him

and make everything
cool for the kids.

Yeah, kids are great.

Mine need new shoes,

and they run about 20 bucks.

All right, 20 bucks.

You're short, mean, and cheap.

You must be catnip
for the ladies.

Hey, Santa.

Oh, no, not you.
Just go away.

Where's my elf?
Elf, to the throne.

No, no, no, no,
no! Wait a minute.

Please, please, I
don't want any trouble.

I don't want any trouble at all.

Okay, I just want to shake hands

and wave to the kids,

and we'll be on our way.

Well, forget it. I'm
not shaking your hand.

Santa's on a five.

Wait a minute, come on.

Dig down a little deeper, huh?

Try to find your better
self. It's Christmas.

I'll find my better self at happy
hour. Now get out of here.

Not until you shake my hand.

Hey, kids, look it. I
fixed things with Santa.


Ooh, ooh, my nose!



Andy, get rid of the kids!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, kids.

Oh, crap!

It's the big guy
from the card shop!


Hey, you!
Get off my man!


False alarm. Wrong
guy. As you were.

Hey, Jim, just think,

in a few months, you get to
kick the Easter Bunny's ass.

I got no problem with the bunny.

He drops off the chocolate,
leaves, nice and quiet.

Jim, it's not funny.

It's Christmas Eve, and you
got into a fight with Santa.

You went to mall jail.

Look, I tried
everything with the guy.

I tried talking with him,

I bribed his elf,

I even swapped spit
with your brother.

Next time, no garlic
pretzels for you.

Next time?

CHERYL: Hey, what are
you guys doing up?

RUBY: Drinking coffee.

No, you can't have coffee!

Coffee's for grown-ups.
Give me that.

You're gonna be up all night.

But we have to stay
up and talk to Santa.

If we don't, he'll leave
coal in our stockings.

I did not make my bed
every day this month

for coal!

What's coal?

Guys, you don't
have to worry about it.

Santa's gonna come,
he's gonna give you gifts.

You'll have plenty of
presents in the morning.

We can't risk it.

Give me that.

Yeah, Jim, you're right.
They're gonna be fine.

But at least you got your money.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, God, it's you.

Hi. Yeah,
just relax, okay?

All I want are your clothes.


I mean your Santa suit. I
mean, it's Christmas Eve.

I couldn't find one
anywhere in town.

I don't care! I already
gave you your dough,

so get out of my car!

Listen to me.
It's for the kids.

Oh, for the kids.

I hate kids.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you the Santa
suit for 500 bucks.

Are you crazy? I don't
have 500 bucks on me.

You still got my check.


There you go.

It's a pleasure doing
business with you.

Hey, I hope you and the fat guy

and your three kids have
a super-duper Christmas.

We will.
Excuse me.

Oh! Oh!

Pardon me.
Oh, sorry.


I'll tell you what.

I'll put in a good word
with Santa for you.

Yeah. And while
you're talking to him,

you might want to ask him
for a new distributor cap!



Ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho!

Ho ho!

Ho ho!


500 bucks for a Santa
suit, and they're asleep!


This thing is itchy.

I swear, if there's something
crawling around in this thing...

Whoo hoo hoo!

A little leftover
roast beef for Santa.

Isn't he lucky?





Ho ho ho!

You caught Santa between
bites there. Ha ha ha ha.

Don't you want milk and cookies?

Well, Santa's
on Atkins right now.

Come on over here.
Sit on Santa's lap.

Ho ho ho ho ho.

Now, Santa knows you,

and Ruby and, uh...

The little one?


I know that you think you're
not getting any presents this year.

Here's the deal.

That's not true.

You are getting presents.



Go upstairs now

and go to bed.


What are you waiting for? I
told you you're getting presents.

But could you give some
of my presents to my daddy?

Your daddy?

'Cause he got in a
fight with your helper,

and I don't think he's
getting any presents.

You mean you're willing
to give up your toys

so your daddy
has a good Christmas?

Yeah, but not
the walkie-talkies.

I was pretty good.

Well, Santa's starting to
get that better self thing.

You don't worry
about your daddy.

He's the luckiest
man in the world.

He's gonna get presents.

He won't get coal in
his stocking this year.

What's coal?

Well, it's like a
rock that burns.

I want coal!


Wow, who's this?

Mommy, this is Santa Claus.

Wow! It's very nice
to meet you, Santa.

Nice to meet you.

You know, I named one
of my reindeer after you.



Yeah, Vixen, Foxy, whatever.

Listen, sweetheart, Santa
has a lot of work to do.

I really think you
need to go to bed.

No, I want to hang
out with Santa.

Did I just hear you
say no to your mommy?

Where's my naughty list?

Okay, I'm going, I'm going!



That kid is really good.


Where did that come from?


And his amazing father.



little girl...

Would you like to
sit on Santa's lap?

Oh, I would.

How would you like to
be naughty and nice?

You know, Santa, my
husband's gonna be pretty upset

when he sees you've
eaten his roast beef.

He's gonna be more upset when
he sees Santa in bed with his wife.