According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 4, Episode 1 - A Hole in One - full transcript

Jim gets a hole-in-one and celebrates himself tired. But he's supposed to give his sperm sample that day and the aforementioned activities are forbidden. He gets Andy to give the sample instead. Well, it seemed a good idea at the time.

Hey, baby.

Hey. How was Tony's
birthday party?

Well, it was a lot better
than last year.

The stripper had all her teeth
and no one got arrested.

That's nice.

Hey, did you know
that estrogen

increases blood flow
to the uterus,

thereby helping the lining
to thicken and expand?

Honey, if this is
your idea of foreplay,

it's very technical.

But I can work with it.

Oh, what's that smell?


You had cigars
and beer.

Ah! And Polish sausage
with kraut.

So what?
You smell like books.

Honey, you know
we're trying
to get pregnant.

I mean, remember
what the doctor said

about trying
to raise your
sperm count?

No drinking,
no smoking.

I know, but you know,
it's not every day

Tony turns 47.

Come on, it was
a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Oh, yeah?
What about last week
when you came home from work

smelling like cigars?

I thought that was
a once-in-a-lifetime

Cheryl, a guy on my crew
had a baby.

It was either smoke the cigar
or buy him a present.

Okay, okay,
what about the hot tub?

I don't know.
I'm not in the mood.

Frankly, I don't like
your tone.

No! You're sitting
in there every night

cooking your swimmers.

Cheryl, look at me.
Do I have wings?

I'm not a saint.

I'm not perfect.
I have flaws.

Are you waiting
for me to disagree?

Would it
kill you?

I know it's not easy,

but if we're gonna have
another baby,

you're gonna have
to give up some
of the things you like.


I thought we were
in agreement.

I thought you were
gonna commit to this.

All right,

No more smoking,
no more drinking,

no more hot-tubbing,
no more fun whatsoever
of any kind.

Aw, honey,
we can still have fun.

Come on. Come on.


No, after
you brush your teeth
and take a shower.

Fine. But just remember,
if it wasn't for liquor,

we wouldn't have
two of the three kids.

JIM: Oh, baby!


Hey, you
know what?

You carry your
own golf clubs
and you walk,

golf is almost
like exercise.

Hey, Jim,
you want a beer?

Ah, no, thanks.


Yeah, Jim's on
a big health kick.

He can't
have a beer

if I drink,

I may accidentally
wrap this club
around your neck!

Oh, right.
Mum's the word.

Hey, Jim,
you're up.

And make
it quick.

My wife's having surgery
in 30 minutes.

It's elective.

Good luck,

I'm having a good day.
I'm having a good day.

MAN: Sweet.

Man, look
at her go.

Be right,
baby. Come on.


Hey, that's
on the green.

It's still



A hole in one!

MAN: Oh, my God!

A hole in one!
A hole in one!

A hole in one!
A hole in one!

Hey, hey.
Hole in one!

♪ I'm the king of the road

♪ A Coupe de Ville
is my throne

♪ As long as I get the ball

♪ It is going, going

♪ Going in the hole ♪


Hey, hey, who's
the one that hit
the hole in one?

Oh, let me see.

Uh... You didn't.


You didn't.
And you didn't.

Must have been
little ol' me!


All right,
you want
my autograph?

Actually, no.

My manager sent
me in here
to tell you

to put
your trunks
back on.


Well, that ship
has sailed,
my friend.


People, we are
in the presence
of greatness.


Yes, sir, I feel honored
to soak in your filth.

To Jim!

ALL: To Jim!


Man, I partied
way too hard
last night.

My head feels
like you sat on it.

Oh, like you sitting on my
head would be such a
sweet summer breeze.

Hey, girls.
Have fun at school.

Daddy, I don't want
to go to school.
I want to stay home.

Yeah, we want
to play all day
like Mommy.


Mommy does not
stay at home
and play all day.

Sometimes she
goes to the mall.


Come here, girls.
Give me a kiss.

Andy, would you
do me a favor

and put the kids
in the car?
I'll be right out.

No problem.
Hey, buddy.

So, what are you
gonna do all day,
little guy?

Eat ice cream
and take a nap.

Oh, man,
you are livin'
the dream.

here's your
sample cup.

For the lab.
It's the second
Monday of the month.

Sample cup.


Yeah, I know.

So just, you know,
do your thing,
drop it off at the lab,

and I'll get
the results
this afternoon.

Oh! Honey,

I feel so good about this.

I mean, you've been
so good these
past couple weeks,

and the doctor said
if you stayed away
from all that bad stuff...

Which I did.

...which you did,

that your count
should really
be up this time.

Cheryl, does it have
to be today?

Yeah, why?

Well, I'm feeling
a little bloated,

I just don't find
myself very
attractive right now.

God, are you nuts?
You are beautiful.

In fact,
have you
lost weight?


Fill the cup.

Cheryl, I don't know.
I mean, I'm not
a machine.

I can't just perform
at the drop of a hat.

Since when?

Jim, just go out
to the garage

and stare at
that tramp on
your tool calendar.

That tramp
has a name,

Her name
is Misty.

I see.

Well, try not
to call out my name
when you're with her.

Even tramps
hate that.

Love you.


Okay, kids
are in the car.

Any other
demeaning job
I can do for you?

You know, Andy,
there is one thing.

What do you think
about that girl

on that tool calendar
in the garage?


Oh, she's fantastic.

I don't know, there's
something about a gal in a
bikini holding a belt sander.


She sure could smooth
my rough edges.


Why don't you let her?


Why don't you
go in the garage,

let your mind wander
a little bit,

and let nature
take its course?

What the hell
are you saying?

I'm saying, you know,
life is short.

Treat yourself.
Have a little fun.

You want me
to go in your
garage and...

you know,

badger the witness
a little, you know.

What's this?

Oh, yeah,
and, you know,
while you're doing it,

maybe you could
put it in this
little cup for me.

It's for the
fertility doctor.

Oh, God.
That's sick.
No way!

Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy.
Come here, come here.

You know, after
all that partying
we did yesterday,

I'm afraid
my count's gonna
be really low.

I need your
help here.

Okay, Jim,
you're my brother-in-law

and my friend,
but I'm gonna tell you

the same thing I told
Mike Franks in ninth grade.

Do your own

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

Come on, come on.
Andy, listen,

I just need
a little time for
my body to recover.

I'd do it
for you.

The fact
that you're
even offering

raises a lot
of red flags.

Andy, look,
I could easily go down
to the bus depot

and get a runaway
to do it for a sandwich.

But no,

I want
to honor you,
my best friend,

with this

Jim, I'm not saying
I'm not flattered.

I'm just completely
weirded out.

Andy, Andy!

Bottom line...
You give it to me,

or I take it!

Go ahead.

All right,
you called my bluff.

All right,
what's it gonna take?

Uh, let me think here.

Get in Cheryl's nightgown,
run down to the Post Office.

Absolutely not!

Well, then great!
Let's go to work.

Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait!

To the end
of the block.

Around the block.

With lipstick.

Lip balm.

Tinted gloss.


You, uh...

You may want
to leave the house.

I'm a bit of a screamer.

Okay, I'm not
seeing any wives,
any kids.

He skis,
and he's cute.

I can't believe
you ditched work

just to cruise
my fertility doctor.


Cheryl, I am here to give
you emotional support...

Ooh, appointment book.

Hey, he's free
Saturday night.

That's good.

Sunday brunch with Mom.

That's sweet.


In moderation.

Oh! Look at this,




Hey, Dr. Murphy!

Hi, Cheryl.

This is my sister Dana.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I'm just here
supporting my sister.

Canceled a big ski trip
to be here.

Oh, how I love to ski.

Ski, ski, ski, ski, ski.

Anyway, Dr. Murphy,
I brought you
some more cookies.

that is very sweet.

I think
I told you
that cookies

will not affect
the results
of Jim's test.

I know you have
to say that.

Just see what
you can do.

All right, well,
I do have the results

from that sample
that Jim dropped off

I put some
extra chips
in there, so...

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, well, uh,

Jim's count
is off the charts.

Oh! You see?
You see?

That's because he's been
following your regimen.

It's so far
off the charts,
in fact,

that I was

so I had
the lab run
some extra tests.

Oh, God. Hand.


Go ahead, Cheryl. Squeeze
as hard as you want.

It's not gonna hurt, because
there's no wedding ring.


Cheryl, there's, uh...

There's no good way
to say this.


Is it possible that you
and Jim are somehow...


No! Of course not.
What are you talking about?

Well, what I mean is,
do you and Jim

share a parent?

Or two?

No, no, of course...

Jim and I are not related!


according to
these test results,

you and Jim share
50% of the same DNA.

Which would make you
brother and sister.


Oh! No, no, no, no.

Your tests are wrong.

That's impossible.
Jim and I are not related.

Yeah, yeah, because then
Jim and I would be related,

and I cannot allow that.

It's bad enough I have
to cop to Andy.

Andy's our brother.

Our only brother.

Is it possible

that somehow
I tested his sample

of your husband's?

With Jim,
anything's possible.

No, no, no.
That's insane.

Why would Jim
have Andy's sample?

Why would Andy
be giving
out samples?

What the hell
do those two
do all day?

Come on,
I got the
chicken wings.

Oh, hey,
all right.

So, how's tomorrow
look for you?

For what?

You know,
get in Cheryl's

and run
around the block.

Oh, yeah, that.
That's not happening.

We had a deal.

Well, you just
learned your
first lesson

in the sex trade...

Get paid up front.

But, Andy,
I do want
to thank you.

Oh, it was
my pleasure.


Yeah, okay.


Oh, hey!
How are you?

How you doing?
How did it go?

It went great.
Your count is
through the roof.


thank you, Andy,
for helping me

with all that
clean living
and stuff.

CHERYL: Thank you.

I mean,
your sacrifices
really paid off.

Oh, it's true.

Dr. Murphy even
used the phrase
"super sperm."

Whoo! I'm
getting myself
a vanity plate.

I mean,
how great
for Jim,

whose seed is
so unbelievably

And do you
want to hear
the best news?

What could
be better than
hearing that someone

in this family
is intensely

Well, because
your count
was so high,

and I'm in
my ovulation

they went ahead
and artificially
inseminated me

right there!

CHERYL: Isn't that great?

I mean, honey,
that's so great!

And you know,
I just know
it took.

A woman knows
these things.


You know,
I hope this one
looks like

our side
of the family.


So do I.
So do I.

You know,
if it's a boy,

JIM: Uh-huh?

I want to
name him Andy.


Oh, dear God!


Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl,

you know what?
I wish you would have
checked with me!

Well, I wanted
to surprise you.

Oh, he looks
surprised to me,


I am.

Honey, go on,
have a drink.

Drink, smoke,
go nuts!
Because, baby,

your work
is done.


this is...

This is
not good.

this is bad.

This is actually
the kind of Bible bad...

In the Bible bad.

Cheryl, I think
I've gone too far
this time.

You think!

Well, no, honey,
I don't understand.

Baby, this is
the miracle
of life,

and it's
inside me.


Cheryl, it's not
the miracle of life!

That's your brother's freaky
mutant kid in there!

We're all going to hell!


Well, how
could that be?

Unless you
dropped off
Andy's sample

instead of
your own!

You knew that
and you did it anyway?

you don't understand!

Yes, Jim, she is
going to have
Andy's baby

just to
teach you
a lesson.

Okay, so...

There was no insemination
whatsoever, right?

Here's a sentence
I never thought
I'd have to say.

I am not
having my
brother's baby.

Sis, I just
want you to know
if it had been true,

I would have done
the right thing
by you.

Get out! Get out!
Go, go!

That was some
good, clean fun.

Come on,
let's go
get dinner.

Oh, what a day.

I thought I sired
my own nephew.

I threw up
on the porch,

and I loved myself
on Jim's riding mower.

Where have you not
loved yourself?


All right, Cheryl,

I forgive you.


Well, you almost gave me
a heart attack there.


You cheated
on a fertility test!

Come on, you act
like I'm the only guy
in the world

who's ever done that.

What is going on
in that knot

that keeps
your spine
from falling apart?


Cheryl, when I went
golfing yesterday,

I hit a hole in one,
all right?

It's a once-in-a-lifetime
thing, baby.

I mean, come on.
I had to celebrate.

Any guy
would have

Any guy is not
trying to have
a baby with me!

Uh, Cheryl...


Well, I...


Are you serious
about having
another baby?

What? Of course I am.

Then why do you keep
doing things

that might keep it
from happening?

I'm not.

You are.
You're sabotaging,

and I want
to know why.

Oh, come on. Okay,
let's analyze Jim now.

What would Dr. Phil say?

"Well, Jim, it seems like

"your father didn't
hug you enough.

"That's why you love cigars!"

I'm serious.

Come on, is it because
of the doctors

and the cups and all
that technical stuff?


Is it money?

Are you afraid of
having another mouth
to feed?

No, no, no. Will you
back off a little bit?

Is it me?

No, it's not...

Then what is it?

What if it doesn't work?

Is that it?

I don't know.

Well, is that
what you're afraid of?

I'm not afraid, Cheryl.

But if I were,
that would be it.

Are you worried that
you might do
everything right

and your count
will still be low?


Do you think that,

like, as a man,
it's your job
to get me pregnant?


And what if I don't
get pregnant, huh?





If I don't get pregnant,
then I still have you

and the three
beautiful kids

that you
have already
given me.


Come on, another baby...
It's just like a bonus.



Really really?



Oh, Cheryl,
you're the best.

Oh, honey.


I don't know
how I found you.

You know what
the worst part is?


I didn't get to tell you
about my hole in one.

So, you think
that's the
worst part?




So you're really


And it's
my own egg.


I know.

Hey, you want
to go upstairs?




Hey, you want
to put on a bikini

and hold
a belt sander?

And the foreplay