According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 6 - ABCs and 123s - full transcript

How long do we have to
keep him here?

Till the Cubs
win the world series.

It could be a while.

All right. Everything's
going to be all right.

We'll take
good care of you.

First of all,

we're gonna get you
a new place to live.

We're gonna get you
a new job.

And we're gonna even
give you a new name.

Your name now is Ed.

Ed...



Game blower.

I'm sorry.
I'm still a little raw.

How about
Ed Dream wrecker?

No, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

Wait, Jim,
your keys.

Don't you ever learn?

JIM: Oh, baby.

Okay, Ruby,
four times nine is...

Uh... 49?

Forty-two?

Thirty-six?

(GASPS)

Thirty-eight?

(GROANS)



What? You had it!

Ruby, I gave you
the thumbs-up!

I thought you meant
go higher!

Dana, you can't
help her with
the answers!

Cheryl, I can't help it.
It's so painful to watch,

like Jim trying to pick
which fork to use
at a fancy restaurant.

Mommy, I don't want
to do this anymore.

Can we stop?

No. No, honey,
you have to
learn this.

The SAT's
are less than
10 years away.

Cheryl, my love,

I'm in
the coupon section here,

and I don't see
anything cut out.

I mean,
we got mac and cheese,

party mix, generic pop...
You missed everything.

We're trying to do
homework in here.

Oh, come on, you've been
at it for an hour.

How long can
a second grader's
homework take?

I mean, Columbus sailed
the ocean blue,

something something,
tie my shoe.

Look, this is
second grade math.

If she doesn't get this now,
she's gonna fall behind.

I know, and then
she's going to end up

living in a bus station
behind the candy machine!

Come on!

Would you let me
handle this?

Educating the girls
should be my department.

What...

Why?

Well...

(STAMMERING)
Why? Why? Why?

Why, because
you think you're
smarter than me?

Is that what
you're saying?

That's what
everybody's saying.

What? You were in the
National Honor Society.

Well, it's not
something I like to
go on and on about.

I mean, it was automatic
if you got straight A's.

Every year.

Four years in a row.

Wow. What'd you get, Jim?

I got a career,
I got a house,

and I got
an honors student
who brings me beer.

All right, Ruby, sweetie,

we've got to get back
to these flash cards.

We still have to do our
five and six times tables.

I hate math.

(GASPS)

I wish math would die.

Ruby, don't say that.

Math can be
an incredible adventure.

(LAUGHING) Not when
you're teaching it.

Come on,
she's like me.

She's not
a flash card person.

Maybe she likes to
have a little fun
with it.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You know what the problem
with you hoity-toity
honors society people is?

You always think
your way is the best way.

(GIGGLING)
Daddy, you said toity.

Yes, I did. See?
I already have
her interest.

All right,
you think you can do
better than I can?

Yes, I can.

Oh, Cheryl,
let him do it.
This'll be a hoot.

Fine. You do it.

I will.

And I'll make it fun.

Because nobody learns
anything without
entertainment.

That's why Vegas
is so popular.

JIM: Okay, now...

I've got two handfuls
of marshmallows

in uncle Andy's mouth.

Nine in each handful.

Two times nine is...

Eighteen?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes, yes!

Okay, okay,
okay, okay.

So I put another nine
in Andy's mouth,

what does it
come out to?

Ah, great.

What are you doing?

All right, listen.

So if two times nine is 18,

three times nine is...

Fourteen?

No.

Not less, Ruby.

Twenty-seven.

Three times nine is 27.

So, what's
three times nine?

Um...

You've got to be
kidding me!

He just said it!
He just...

Back off!
Back off! Back off!

She's just not
getting it, Jim!

I know
she's not getting it.

And I ate
two times five hot dogs,
eight times 10 French fries,

and two-thirds of a pie!

We didn't do fractions!

I know. I like pie.

All right,
come on, honey.

Honey, I love you
so much. I really do.

But we got to
get going here.

Otherwise, it's going
to be all night...

No, no, no, no. Come on.
Just let Cheryl do it.

I'm not gonna let
Cheryl do it!

Ruby's still got five more
of these stupid worksheets!

Five?

Oh, I hate math.
I wish it would die.

Do you remember getting
this much homework
in the second grade?

Second grade was all about
boogers and paste.

Ruby, how come you have
so many worksheets?

Mrs. Taylor makes us
bring home what we can't
finish in class.

I try to go fast,
but that makes it
even harder.

Oh, God, you sound
just like me
when I was in school.

Do the numbers
spin around in your head
and swear at you?

No.

Oh.

I'm tired!

No, no, no, no, honey.
We got to keep going.
We got to keep going.

You know what used to
help me with numbers
and stuff?

Is, like, a rhyme or a song
or something like that.

Give me the beat.
Give me a beat.
Give me a beat.

(BEATBOXING)

♪ My name is 18,
and I'm two times nine

♪ Man, I'm doing fine

♪ Really wanna get
up to heaven

♪ Three times nine
is twenty... ♪

Eleven!

No!

Eleven? No!

Eleven? No.
No, no, baby, no.

Uh, Mrs. Taylor?

Hi, I'm Jim.
I'm Ruby's father.

Well, hi, there, dad.

Oh, your Ruby
is such a joy.

Ah, thank you, thank you.
Can we talk about
her homework?

Ah, dad likes to get
right to the point.

Uh, could you not
call me dad?

It's kind of
freaking me out
a little bit.

Listen, uh,
Mrs. Taylor,

I don't want to
tell you how to do
your job, okay,

but what you're doing
is totally wrong.

I mean, you know,
these kids talk.

And the word
on the playground

is that you're
kind of a hard ass.

Yes, I've read that
on some of
the bathroom walls.

Well, I think
you're giving Ruby
way too much homework.

Can you cut back
a little bit?

I'm sorry.
My hands are tied.

I have to follow
the state's curriculum.

Maybe Ruby needs
a little more help
with her homework.

No, no, no, no,
but I am helping her.

I'm up all night.
I can't do that anymore.

Well, what about your wife?
Can't she help?

No, no, no, no, she...
No, she can't do that.

No, no.
No, she can't help.

Is there a problem
with your wife?

Yes.

Would you like to
talk about it?

No, it's, uh...
It's kind of personal.

Well, that's
why we're here.

If there's
a situation at home,

I can make an exception
and lighten Ruby's workload.

Oh, that's great.
Thank you so much.

But I would need to know
exactly why your wife

is unable to help
your daughter.

Oh, I just don't know
if I can talk about it.

It would be
our secret.

Well, I just...

(THINKING) No.

Mmm... No.

Bingo!

Cheryl can't read.

That's interesting.

Hey!

How was yoga class?

Are you really interested,
or is it just a commercial?

Oh, hold that thought.
The show's back on.

So, why aren't you guys
doing homework?

We finished an hour ago.

TOM BERGERON ON TV:
And here's
a golfing toddler

who really taught dad

the meaning of the word
backswing.

(LAUGHING)

Right in the crotch!

Hey, you give a kid
a golf club,

stand back, genius.

So, Ruby, you finished
all your homework?

Yeah.

Every bit of it.

Wow.

And a lot faster
than she did with
the honors student.

Oh.

You might have to give up
those flash cards.

Oh, look out
for the rake!

ALL: Oh!

Right in the crotch!

All right, all right,
enough crotch stuff.

Hey! Hey!

Come on,
that's not cool!

That ain't cool, man!
That is not cool!

Bummer girl,
bummer girl.

All right, girls,
go to bed.

Andy, Dana, go home.

(ANDY AND DANA GROAN)

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Mrs. Taylor sent home
a note.

Oh.

She said to
give it to daddy.

Oh! Uh, uh...

Ruby needs to
bring a smock
for art class.

What...

"Please tell Ruby's mother
she needs a smock
for art class."

That's what I said.

Why would she send
a note for me to you?

I don't know, Cheryl.

It's a crazy world
out there.

I once saw a dog
with a bird
riding on his back.

Explain that,
and I'll explain the note.

Hey, has anybody seen
my cell phone?

Oh, yeah, right here.
Here it is.

Oh!

Oh! Right in
the crotch!

Mrs. Taylor?

I'm Cheryl,
Ruby's mom.

Well, hi, there, mom.

Yeah. We met at
back-to-school night,
remember?

Of course.
You're the one

who had trouble
finding the classroom.

Yeah, well, those signs
can be pretty hard to
figure out.

Of course they can.

Well, here's the smock
you wanted for Ruby

that you asked for
in the note you sent
to my husband.

You know,
I was wondering,

why didn't you
send the note to me?

Well, I just thought
it would be

easier.

Well, actually, no.

No, you can send
the notes to me.

I promise
I'll let Jim read them.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Sit with me, mom.

Yeah, could you not
call me mom?

It's kind of
freaking me out.

This is
Clara Buys A Hat.

Oh, please.

I'd know that book
anywhere just by
the colors.

Yeah, Jim reads that
to the kids every night.

But you don't?

No, I am thrilled
to have him
read to the kids.

If that's the one thing
he does that I don't,

that's fine with me.

But it's not fine
when dad isn't around,
is it, mom?

What?

It's all right, Cheryl.
This is a safe place.

I know.

Know what?

When dad was here
asking for less
homework for Ruby,

he opened up to me.

Jim was here?

Yes, and he told me
you can't read.

Did he?

So, what time are
the other PTA moms
getting here?

Any second.

This is gonna be great.

I know.
This is the first time

the PTA has ever
sanctioned a hit.

Well, it serves
Jim right,

telling people
you can't read.

Yeah. Read this, bucko.

You know, you're
supposed to grab yourself
when you say that.

Ew.

I'm just saying.
Grab something.

You know
what I like, Andy?

What?

Television.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

It's like they've taken
all the interesting people
in the world

and put them in a box.

Yes.

Hello!
Mind if we barge in?

CHERYL: Hey! Come on in.

We'll get started
in a minute.

Cheryl, what's going on?

Oh, honey, the PTA meeting
is going to be here tonight.

I'm sorry.
I forgot to tell you.

Make yourselves at home.
I'll be right back.

PTA?

Hey, Sandy, Sarah...

Dixie.

Oh, I wish I was
in a land of cotton.

So, your husband...
Is he still in a coma?

I'm divorced.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
How you doing with that?

It's been rough.

Mmm. Yeah.

Well, you're
holding up well.

Mmm!

It's never
going to happen.

This one's sending me
mixed signals here, Jim,

so I'm out of here.

All right, ladies,
I'm going to
get out of your hair.

But if you could,
try to wrap it up by 9:00,

because that's when
the pants come off.

Jim, Jim, I want
to let you know,

if you need help
with anything,
just call.

Yeah, sure. What would
I need help with?

Mrs. Taylor told us about
Cheryl's reading problem.

(GASPS)

No, no, no, no, no, no.
That... That...

That's not a problem.

Oh, Jim, ignoring it
is not the answer.

We need to bring it out
in the open.

That is the worst thing
you can do with a problem!

You need to sit on it
and forget about it

till it fixes itself.

All right,
let's get going.

Uh...

Cheryl, do you mind
if I join you?

Really?

Yeah, I mean,
I'm a P.

Here's the TA.
We're together now.

Okay, let's get started.

Here are the agendas.

Jim, you may want to
hold Cheryl's for her.

I can hold
my own agenda.

Oh, sure you can, sweetie.

(CHUCKLES)

You got that upside down,
baby. There you go.

Okay, what do you say
we whip through this meeting
really quick, all right?

Uh, let's see.

First item here is
a bake sale.

Okay, signs,
setup, and snacks.

I'm thinking...

Uh, you, you, and you.

Okay, what's next?

Hey!

I want to do
the signs.

Is that
such a good idea?

Of course. Why?

Cheryl,
because you can't!

What?

Well, you got all these
commitments,

and you're too busy.
You're really too busy.

Well, maybe you
could make the signs.

Fine, I'll do them.

Jim, we need 200 signs
by Monday.

Are you sure?

It takes a village, Cheryl.

Okay, next up,
library committee.

Me!

Oh, Cheryl, I'm not sure
that's really the right job
for you.

Why not?

Well...

(STAMMERING) Because...
Because, uh...

Because someone
has taken it
already, honey.

Who?

Um... Me!

Terrific. We meet
every Monday night

at the library
from 8:00 to 10:00.

Monday night? But that's
Monday night football!

Okay, what do you say
we meet at a sports bar?

Everybody know
where Cleavages is?

Show a hand.

Jim, Jim, come on.
It's fine. I'll do it.

No, Cheryl, you can't!
I'll handle this.

Okay, well...

I'll do it!

Can I get
everybody drinks,

or do you want to
do that, too?

That'd be great.
Get drinks.

Okay.

That's great.
Thank you, honey.

Okay, so, Jim,
we've got you down

for the bake sale
and the library committee.

Okay.

Okay, now,

let's talk about
the holiday pageant.

Santa.

(SIGHS)

Uh, Cheryl, you want
to grab me a six-pack
while you're in there?

Maybe two?

So, how's it going?

Like a charm.
It couldn't be better.

Jim is going to be
mother of the year.

Oh, wait!
I've got a great idea.

How about I run
out there and I say,

"Cheryl, you put cleanser
in the cake mix!

"Can't you read?"

Yeah. Yeah.

That's terrible.

Jim, I have to tell you,
I'm a little uncomfortable

with Cheryl
carpooling our kids.

I mean, she can't read
road signs.

What if a bridge
washes out?

How would she know?

I don't recall a bridge
between here and school.

I mean, there's
a railroad crossing.

(ALL GASPING)

Then you have to
do it.

You just have to
pick up the kids

at 7:00
all next week.

And no quick turns.
My Justin gets carsick.

Mine, too.
If you don't...

No, no, no!
Will you hens pipe down?

Listen, maybe I didn't
make myself clear

when I said
Cheryl couldn't read.

I meant to say
she can read.

Jim, don't be
an enabler.

I... I am not an enabler!
She can read. I know it.

Okay, so get her to read
one of these agendas.

I can... I'll...

Hey.

Hi.

So, what'd I miss?

Oh, nothing.

We'd like you to, um,
read this agenda.

Here you go.

There you go.

Well, usually we just
read these to ourselves.

Yeah, well, well,
I'm the chairman

of the library committee,
and I'm in charge,

and now you read.

(STAMMERING)
I can't read this.

Why not?

I... I don't have
my contacts in.

You don't wear contacts!

Well, maybe I need them!

What?

Stop! This is
so painful!

No, no, she can read!
Read it!

These letters look weird.

What?

Is this even English?

Of course it's English!
What are you talking about?

It says here
"Never try to pull one over

"on your
honors student wife."

(ALL LAUGHING)

You do not get
to mope-walk
up those stairs.

You told Ruby's teacher
I can't read!

What about you?

You just pulled
a sting on me
in my own house.

Well, you deserved it.

You went to
Ruby's school without me

and asked them
for less homework.

Yes, I did.

Why did you do that?

Because I was
trying to help Ruby.

No, no, no, Jim.

You were trying
to help yourself,

because you didn't want
to admit that you had

just as much trouble
teaching Ruby as I did.

Why would I want
to admit that?

You're always saying,
"Jim, leave the kids'
education to me."

You just kind of
push me aside

like I'm not
smart enough.

Oh, hey,
I never said that.

No, no, no, no.
But you think it.

Why don't you just say it?

No!

I want to give you
a freebie here.

(SIGHS)

Really. Just say it.

Say, "Jim,
I'm smarter than you."

No!

Go on, say it.

Fine!
I'm smarter than you!

How dare you?

You told me
to say it!

I know, but I didn't think
you'd be so convincing.

Daddy?

Yes, honey?

Come downstairs.
I want to do
math with you.

What...

You want to do math?

Yeah. It's fun
when Daddy does it.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Go downstairs and get
Daddy's math candy out.

See?

This is what
I'm trying to tell you.

We're not all
flash card people.

Some of us are
marshmallow-in-the-mouth
people.

You know,

it's a well-known fact
that flash card people

are sexier than
marshmallow people.

You got that right.

Oh, honey.

Oh.

Well, is there any room

for a hoity-toity
honors student

to help with
the homework?

Cheryl, you said toity.

(LAUGHS)

Seriously, honey,
I really do want
to help,

but if I can't use
my flash cards,

what do I do?

Well, give me a beat.

What?

Give me a beat.

Oh.

(VOCALIZING)

How many marshmallows
can you fit in your mouth?

Oh, that's funny.

You know,
you're going to
want to bring

that sense of humor
to your library
committee meeting.

Great. I'll meet you
at Cleavages.