According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 3 - We Have a Bingo - full transcript

Jim wins a water-bed when playing bingo at a church fund-raiser. The pastor realizes Jim cheated, and talks to him about doing the right thing.

when did we start this
two-vegetable thing?

It's peas and carrots.
It counts as one.

So I guess that means
pie and ice cream
counts as one dessert?



Okay, so I haven't
run this by
Reverend Pierson yet,

but that's the layout
for the bingo tables.
What do you think?

You know, I think these
tables near the entrance
look a little crowded.

Yeah, just looking
for blind support here.

Oh, then I love it.

Oh, good.

Jeez, enough with
the bingo talk.

Every night for
the last two weeks,

all I've been hearing
about is bingo night.

Can't we just
have some civilized
dinner conversation?

All right, Jim.
Read any good
books lately?


Well, you know, Dana,
I've been busy raising
a family.

But don't worry, honey.
Maybe you'll meet
your husband in a book.

All right,
you girls are done.

You're too mature
for this conversation.

Can we watch TV?

Sure. Go ahead.

Oh, Jim, no, no, no.
They're watching
too much TV.

Yeah. You're right.

Hey, girls,
put in a video game.

So, Jim, do you mind
coming down early

and helping me set up
the bingo tables
at church?

You know,
big white building,
cross on top?

No way. I am not going
to bingo night.

Jim! Come on,
it's to raise money
for the church.

Whatever happened
to "do unto others"?

Cheryl, for everyone
to do unto others,

there's got to be some
guy to be done unto.
I'm that guy!

Oh, did I tell you
the grand prize is
a king-sized waterbed?


You're kidding!

I love waterbeds!

I'm gonna win
that waterbed,

I'm gonna win that waterbed.
I'm gonna win it.

No, no. Jim!

I love our bed.
I don't want to
give up our mattress.

To be fair,
she's already
given up her career,

her ambition
and her dignity.

Cheryl, don't you see
that this waterbed is
a sign from God?

He's saying,
"My son walked on water.
Jim, you must sleep on it."

I thought you weren't
even going to bingo night.

Oh, that's that thing we do.

You know, you always
want to do something

that I don't want to do,
then you convince me.
It's fun!

Go ahead,
let's do it again.

Okay. Let's do the dishes.

I don't want to.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Thank you,
Reverend Pierson.

Oh, this one
is so much fun!

Okay, in the "B"
column, people,
it's B-4!

ALL: And after!

And after we're
done here tonight,

and B-4 we C-2 the...

I don't know where
I'm going with this.
I'm sorry.

Look, uh, if you want
to see heaven,

cough up the green,

Hey, you want to buy
a homemade cupcake?
Fifty cents.

Oh, come on,
they're made with love.


Jim, what do you think
of my cupcakes?

Well, they've held up
real nice with three
kids and all.

B-7. B-7.

B-7. Yeah, B-7's great.

If this was 10 freakin'
minutes ago!


Andy, would you
keep it down?

Get lost!

It's bad luck having
a dame eyeballing
your cards.

Ah! Not the
church pinch!

I'll be good!
I'll be good!

I-22. I-22.

I missed
the last number.
What was it?




Thank you.

Here. Here.



Thank you.

You're welcome.

You remind me
of my husband.

He had a beautiful voice.

I slept with
Jack Kerouac.


Bingo! We have a bingo.
Hold all cards.


There goes dinner for two
at the Rusty Schooner.

Come on, Andyman,
you're better than this!

All right, bingo buddies,

it's time for the
grand prize game!

This is it!
This is it!

Well, Dana...


Feast your eyes
on this.

It's a king-sized
waterbed donated by
Swifty the Bed-czar.


It's a free-flow,
multi-baffle system

made right here
in the US of A.


The US rocks!

That's right. If sleeping
in comfort is a sin,

well, then some
lucky winner tonight is
going straight to hell!

But what a way to go, huh?
Retail value, 699.99.


So, let's get it on!

Um, that was supposed
to be my part, Reverend,
but, uh, okay.

Get out of my way,

because I'm going
to win that bed!

I'm gonna win it!
I'm gonna win it!

Hey, hey, if you do,
can I have your old one?

The one that your sister
and I conceived three
children on? Sure.

I'll stick
with the futon.

B-6. B-6.

We're still waiting
for the winner of
that waterbed.

Oh, N-45, N-45!


Thanks for nothing,

Old Lady Meier?




Bingo! We have a bingo!
Hold all cards!

JIM: Bingo!

♪ B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O
And Bingo was his name-o

Every time we go out.

♪ B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O ♪

Oh, Jim,
what a pleasure
to see you.

Yeah, Cheryl's
not with me.

Oh, good. It's so hard
to keep up the facade.


So, uh, why don't you
fork over that waterbed,

and I'll be
out of your hair
until Christmas?

Uh, yeah.

Um, you know, Jim,
many religions believe
in a omnipresent God.

Okay, look, I didn't come
all the way down to church

to be lectured
by some minister
about God.

For instance,
some Hasidic Jews
believe that

reality is a dream
that God has conjured,

and therefore
God sees all

and knows all
because he is all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got an altar boy
or something that can
help me move this waterbed?

what I'm trying
to tell you

is that God
is always watching.

And sometimes,
so am I.

A hidden camera
in a church?

I know. You wouldn't
know it to look at me,

but I'm actually quite
a bit of a techno-geek.

All right,
what are you going to do?

Me? I'm not going
to do anything.

No, your conscience,
over time, is going
to eat at you.

Wow. That's heavy.

I'm gonna be thinking
about that all night.

I'll be tossing and turning
on my new waterbed!
Where is it?

It's in the rec hall.
Go ahead. Go get it.
Enjoy yourself.

Have a great time,
Jim. Just remember,
God is watching you.

Well, after I get
this waterbed set up,

he may want to
avert his eyes.


Say, baby,
you wanna catch a wave?

You see, honey,
that wasn't so bad.

You went to church,
you helped a charity,

and you got
a free waterbed.

Yeah, yeah, nice recap.
Lose the top.



See anything
you like, sweets?



CHERYL: Honey,
what's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.

Cupcakes. 50 cents.




You worked late
tonight, huh?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I thought
you'd be asleep.

Yeah, well, honey,
I waited up.

I mean, we've had
this waterbed for
a few days now,

and still haven't felt
the motion of the ocean.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

I doubt it.

All right.
What's with you lately?

Everything's great.

Totally normal.

Jim, you're
eating my tofu.

It's obviously
a cry for help.

Come on,
something's wrong.

Is it me?


No, no, no, honey.


Okay, I didn't know
how to tell you this,

but I'm seeing
somebody else.


Whoa, whoa!

No, maybe that was
a bad choice of words.

I mean,
when I look at you,

I actually see
somebody else.

Oh. Oh. What?

At bingo,
I switched cards
with Old Lady Meier

while she was asleep
and won the bed.

And then
Reverend Pierson saw it
and ratted me out to God.

And because of that,
when I try to
be with you,

all I see is Pierson!

You cheated at bingo?

Big picture, Cheryl!
Get the big picture here!


We've got to fix this curse
that Pierson has put on me.

Jim, it's not a curse.
It's your conscience.

I know. People
keep saying that,
but I don't buy it.

Look, honey, there's
an easy fix for this,

and I think you know
what it is.

I know, I know.

I thought about
a blindfold, but I'd
still feel the beard.


Hi. You remember me?

Yes! You helped me
with the bingo.

Such a nice boy.

Yes, thank you.
I ripped you off.

You ripped me off?

Oh, yeah.
He skinned you real good.

JIM: Yeah. Yeah, I...

Well, long story short,

you won the waterbed,

and here it is.


I wouldn't have any
use for a waterbed.

But you won it.
You have to take it.

But I don't want it.

But you have to take it.

But I don't want it.

But you have to take...

All right, all right,
all right.

Look, if you won't
take the waterbed,

please, let me
pay you for it.

Oh, I couldn't
take your money.

Drop the act
and take the money.

Get, get, get,
get, get!


will you take the money?
It's important to me.

Well, all right.

How much is
a waterbed worth?

Well, how much do you
think it's worth?

Aunt Dana,
who's smarter,
boys or girls?

Girls by a long shot.

Daddy says boys
are smarter.

That's because
he's a boy,
and he's stupid.

Where's Cheryl?
Where's Cheryl?

Daddy, Aunt Dana
says you're stupid.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Where's Cheryl?

In the bedroom.


Okay, okay, here.
Here, here.

Uh, girls, Aunt Dana's
going to take you out
for some ice cream.

Come on, go, go,
go, go, go, go!


I need some alone time
with your sister.

Oh, my God,
girls, let's go!
Move, move, move!

What about our shoes?

There's no time! Run!

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl!


I've done a good thing,
now let's do the bad thing!


What's the matter?

You're not still seeing
Reverend Pierson, are you?



It feels like
it's been years.

Ah, come on!


Pierson! Pierson!
Listen to me!

Hey, come on,
this is my private time!

Yeah, yeah. Well, you can
have it back as soon as
you take that curse off

that you and the guy
upstairs put on me!

Jim, the man upstairs
is not in the business of
putting curses on people.

Oh, yeah?
He makes zombies.

Right, I forgot
about the zombies.

Yeah, and now he's
got me seeing you and
Old Lady Meier in bed.

In bed? No, I just
flirt with her!

No, we need central air.
She's got deep pockets.

I'm not talking
about that.

Instead of seeing
my wife, I see you,

and then I see
Old Lady Meier.

And because of that,
I can't even look
at Cheryl.


Well, you know,
Jim, if you need me to
make love to your wife,

just come out and say it.

That's a joke!

Come on, I use
that in my couples
counseling session.

It gets
a bigger laugh there.


You know, Jim,
it kind of seems to me

like maybe you're
having a little struggle
with your conscience.

No, no, no, no.

Look, I told Cheryl
the truth.


And I went to
Old Lady Meier's house,
and I paid her for the bed.

I'm clean.

(SIGHS) Jeez.
Wonder what the
problem is, then.

I don't know.
That's why I'm here.


How much money
did you pay her?

Well, I might have
given her a little
less than market value.

Okay, how much?

Fifteen bucks.

Fifteen bucks?

Well, I thought
she'd counter.

She didn't even counter.

Whoa, Jimbo,
you are in big need

of a little talk
with God, my friend.

Aw, come on.
Nobody does that anymore.

Uh, you know something?
As a matter of fact,
they do, Jim.

Otherwise I'd be
working at my dad's
shoe store, so...

Uh, come on, sit down.
I'll get you started.
All right?


God, Jim.

Jim, God.


Big fan.

First-time caller,
long-time listener.

You know,
you got God's ear.

Let's get to
the point, okay?

Well, I know that you
know the things that
I've done wrong.

You're kind of like
Santa that way.


Did I do
"long-time listener..."

Uh-huh, yes.

Well, then, I'm out.

Come on, hold on.
Hold it. Hold it.

Why don't you try
listing the things

that you think God
might find bad?

You mean,
like cheating little
old ladies at bingo?

Well, that's an excellent
example. Go on.

And then low-balling them
after you cheated them?

All right, Jim,
you're on a roll.
Keep going.

And then flirting with
them to get central air
for the church?

Okay, let's wrap
this up, shall we?

Jim, come on.
I mean, you know
what you got to do.

Don't you?

Yeah, I should give
Old Lady Meier

a fair price
for the bed.

And maybe stop calling
her Old Lady Meier.

Welly, welly, welly.
Look at you, mister.

You feel better?

Yeah, well...

It was kind of painless,
I guess.

Yeah, well, you know,
when God's not smiting
the wicked,

she's a pretty good lady.




So, I guess I'll see you
in church Sunday, huh?



Thank you! I'm back!

Hello, Chicago!

And God said,
"Let there be rock!"


Reverend? I've got
to talk to you.

I'm at a moral
crossroads, and...

Jeez. You know, um,
bartenders love
to listen, too.

Ah, come on.
I'm joking,
I'm joking.

Come on in. Come on.

So, after I sold
the waterbed,

I went right over
to Old Lady...

Mrs. Meier's house,
and I gave her the money.

And that's it?
You didn't steal
any lawn ornaments

on your way out
or anything?

No. I was very good.

She made me oatmeal
and told me stories
about the Great Depression.

Let me tell you
something. That lady
does not like the Irish.

See, honey?
Doesn't it feel good to
have a clear conscience?

Yeah. Yeah, it does,

even though
I was forced into it.


You know, honey,
it is kind of a shame
we never got a chance

to try out
that waterbed.

Well, next time we're
over at Andy's house,

we'll have to sneak
into his bedroom.

You sold it to Andy?

Yeah. What other sap
would pay my 10%
transaction fee?


Kitty wanna play.



Damn it!

Cheryl, call Andy!

Tell him
I'm on my way over!