According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 24 - The Toilet - full transcript

It's a battle of the sexes when it comes time to redecorate the bathroom. Jim says Cheryl never takes his opinion into consideration for changes to the house, so Cheryl decides to listen to his ideas. He wants a talking toilet.


You know what? I am the
luckiest man in the world.

Aw. You are a beautiful,
beautiful woman.


You know what I was thinking?

I am not sleeping in the nude.

Why not?

Come on, that's the way
God created us.

I'm just doing his will.

You know what, baby?
I want to go to heaven.

You know, maybe I'd consider it

if we didn't have
these ratty old sheets.

New sheets? Done.

Okay, off with the PJs.

You know.

Now you got me thinking.

Oh, no, no, no.
No thinking. Stripping.

Yeah, yeah, if we're
going to get new sheets,

we're going to need a new duvet.

No, no, no, don't start
with that, honey.

And a rug.

Yeah, yeah.

If we get a new rug, then
we're gonna have to get

a new chair because
it doesn't match the rug,

and then we're going
to have to paint the walls,

and then our kids
are going to hate us.

Why? Because we're
going to get divorced, honey.

Honey, come on.

Let's redecorate.
We can do it together.

No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah.

Women always say
they want to do it together.

No, no, no, no, no, because
you ask for my opinion,

I give you my opinion,
and then you ignore it.

Oh, come on, honey. I
know you don't believe this,

but I really do want your input.

This is our house.

No, no, no, it's not our
house. It's my house.

It's your home,
and I'm a guest here.

No, it is. It's like
a three-star hotel

with so-so room service.

Come on, come on.
It'll be fun.

No, I'll tell you
what will be fun.

Oh, I am not
sleeping in the nude.


I was going to say cuddle.

But you cheapened it.

Good night.

Good night.

Of course, I like it cheapened.


JIM: Oh, baby!

All right, what do you think

of this color combo
for the bathroom?

You got your tile,
paint, and curtains.

Rube, hold the tile up
to the paint.

I'm liking it.
I'm not loving it.

Yeah. Next!

Mommy, I got math homework.

Yeah, but, honey, this is
something you can actually use in life.

Oh, oh, oh!



Quit your squawking.

Mom used to paint
right on our foreheads.

CHERYL: Yeah, yeah,
I still don't know.

You know, the light's
better in the bathroom.

Yeah, girls,
go stand in the tub.

We'll be right up.

I know, I know.

I am so glad you're home.

I wanted to show you this stuff.

This is a shower curtain.


What are you doing
with a shower curtain?

Shower curtains
don't go in the bedroom.

(EXCLAIMING) Someone's
been watching Queer Eye.

Honey, when we redo the bedroom,

the bathroom's
going to look shabby.

Cheryl, I thought we were doing

this decorating thing together.

That's what you said.

Okay, from now on,

I've got to sign off
on everything.

Even dinner. What are
we having for dinner?


Okay, approved.

Look, honey, I know
I should have talked to you

about doing the bathroom,

but I just got
so excited. Come here.

Come here. I want
to show you something.

Okay, are you ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.

Which do you like better,

the green tile,

or the green tile
with the delicate border?

Well, I think I like the green
one with the invisible border.

Okay, yeah, yeah, that's nice.

But do you think
the border's too subtle?

Okay, I'll take the other one.

Oh, my God!
That's the one I like!


Oh, my God.

Isn't it fun
doing this together?


Every time you walk
into the bathroom,

you will know you decorated it.


Jim, Jim, uh-oh.

I'm about to be brilliant.

You know what'd be perfect
for your new bathroom?

The Royal Flush XP
toilet system.

CHERYL: Oh, God.

The Royal Flush XP?

That's the champagne of toilets.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is that that hideous toilet

that they show
in all those commercials?

Yes. "Designed for NASA,
now a favorite

"for sports figures
and world leaders."

Andy, can you please tell them

what separates
the Royal Flush XP

from other toilets?

"The answer is technology.

"It has an ergonomic heated seat

"and an atomizer with
your choice of scents.

"You can try and find
a better toilet, but..."

BOTH: "Nothing beats
a Royal Flush."



That was very impressive.

Let me ask you guys something.

Who's your Congressman?


Yeah, that's what I thought.

The Royal Flush.
That is a great idea.

It is, isn't it?
What a great idea.

I knew she'd like it. But
let me just show you this.

This is classic porcelain.

You've got your white,

or if you really want to
throw caution to the wind...



Cheryl, you can't
do it, can you?

You just can't...

She can't do it, can she?

Nope. She's incapable.

Yes, incapable.
That's the word.

Cheryl, it's obvious that you
don't really want input from me.

Oh. You just want me to go along

with what you want.

And what you really want
is you want a sidekick

with a credit card who
agrees with everything you say.

Oh, come on.

No, Cheryl, I mean,
I like this toilet,

and you don't want it.

You know what that makes you?

It makes you a
hypocrite. (GASPS)

I am not a hypocrite.

I am wonderful.
You can ask anybody.



Andy, is she being a hypocrite?

Well, she's either a hypocrite

or a hypocrite with
a delicate border.

Yeah. Yeah, Cheryl.
Come on. Just admit it.

You just want what you want.

That is not true.

Yes, it is true,
honey. It is.

You're being a hypocrite.

Well, you're being a fun-kill.

Yeah, fun-kill.


Because for your information,

I already went
down to Bathopolis

and ordered your stupid toilet.

You already ordered it?

You ordered that chrome monster?

Do I have to start signing
off on things now, too?

Yes, Dana, I ordered it.

And now Jim
has ruined the surprise.

Wow, I had no idea.


The Royal Flush XP!


Man, if it weren't for
your receding hairline

and sleeping with my sister,

I'd trade places
with you right now.


Oh, Cheryl, I got the most
wonderful wife in the world,

and now I got the most
wonderful toilet in the world.

"Your bowl runneth over."

Cheryl, Cheryl, I just...

I'm just so surprised
and so happy.

You know what I'm gonna do?
You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm going to whip up something

that goes with that
meatloaf, okay?

A little side dish.

Oh, I know.

What kind of cereal do you want?

No, no, no, I'm going
to surprise you.

Hey, I'll cut up some fruit.

Oh, no, you didn't hear that.

Cheryl, I cannot believe
you bought that thing.

We spent all this time

trying to create
a tasteful bathroom.

I may as well have just
gone into work today.

Dana. I can't believe
you got that for him.

I didn't.

You lied?

'Cause he called me a
hypocrite, and he was right,

and I hate it when he's right.

So, I panicked.

Hey, you want to go with me

to buy a really,
really ugly toilet?


All right, I guess I'll
just take off work again.

I'll tell them
Grandma's a fighter.

But she said...

Oh, my God.
There it is.

Look at this.
I can't believe it.

I'm going to be a proud
owner of a Royal Flush XP.

Finally, something for
your high school newsletter.


I can't believe Cheryl
actually bought this for me.

Hey, uh, Jim, I know
we haven't, um...

Uh-uh. Discussed
the particulars...


Oh, come on, Jim.
I assume I'll be able to...

No, no! It's mine!

Yes! That means yes.

I know you want me to
use it. You want me to use it.

Once a week you get it.
All right.

Gentlemen, welcome
to Bathopolis,

your bathroom superstore.

(EXCLAIMS) Drooling
over the XP, are we?

Well, not for long.

He's getting one,
and I get to use it.

Really? How long were
you on the waiting list?

What waiting list?

No, my wife told me yesterday

that she called here
and ordered one.

That's impossible.

We're completely out of stock.

We stopped taking orders
two months ago.


I can show you a nice bidet.

We're not here for a...
Ooh, I love that color.

I'll take one.

Great. I'll write that up.

Oh, I feel terrible.

I'm such an impulse buyer.

I should...
Ooh, steam shower.

Andy, Andy, Andy.

Something is going on here.
Something's wrong.

She told me she ordered
the Royal Flush from here.

Hey, why don't you ask her?

She's right over there
with Dana.

Hi, I'm looking for
the Royal Flush XP.

Uh, you can't get it.

What do you mean,
"you can't get it"?

I already lied to my husband
and told him I bought it.

LENNY: I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.

But I can show you a nice bidet.

What? No. Oh.

Well, somebody's lying,
and it ain't me this time.

Hey, congratulations.

You finally deserve
the moral high ground

instead of just claiming it.

Let's bust her.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

She's still digging.

Let's see how deep
the hole goes.

There's your XP right there.

Oh, God.

It's even more hideous
than I thought.

DANA: Yeah.

Look, my sister's
really in a pickle here.

We need to have that toilet.

Can you give me a second?


Thanks so much, sweetie.

Listen, um, Lenny,
my sister is gorgeous,

she drinks, and
she's on the rebound.

So I go home with the toilet,

you go home with her.

Madam, this is
Bathopolis, not Gomorrah.

CHERYL: There's got to
be something we can do.

LENNY: No can do-ski.

CHERYL: Okay, but, okay,
okay, there's none here,

but how about another store?

Oh, no, steam.

Oh, hey. It's going
to get muggy in here,

and I'm wearing
wool worsted pants.

Are you trying to get
me busted? Be quiet.

I don't know what the plan is,
but I say we should abort.

Shut up. Shut up.

LENNY: I've already
checked the tri-state area.

CHERYL: I will drive to
Milwaukee if I have to, okay?

Anyplace east
of the Mississippi.

LENNY: The only
one's in Guam.

CHERYL: Oh, I get it.
I get it. You're kidding.

Hey, how about
we call the factory?


Do you sell them used?


(SHUSHING) I'm trying
to hear. I'm trying to hear.

I was going to have
steamed clams for lunch.

Isn't that ironic?


Hey, I know. I know.
How about you just

sort of sneak me
the names and numbers

of the people
you've sold them to?

(PANTING) These clothes,
they're strangling me.

Take them off. Take
them off. Just take them off.

Jesus! It's hot
in here.

That's what I've been
telling you.

I know it's hot.

Hey! What are you doing? You
can't take your pants off like that.

What if somebody comes in?

Andy, Andy, stop it,
stop it, stop it.

I can't take it, Jim.
My guts are cooking.

Shut up.

Now, I'm not saying I
would ever, ever do this,

but just say
I had a gun to your head.

No, I can't. I can't.

Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up.


Well, that it.
I'm screwed.

Well, at least you don't have
to live with this ugly toilet.

Dana, you don't understand.

If I don't come home
with this toilet,

there'll be no end to
Jim's "well, well, wells."

Andy, Andy, I never say that.

You always say that.

Now get me the hell out of here.


I guess I'm just going to
have to tell Jim the truth.

Ah, truth is
for healthy marriages.

Oh, my God.
It is hot in here.

That's what
I've been telling you.

Now let me out of here.

Be quiet, will you?


Look, he's a guy. You
just have to distract him

with something else
he'll like better.

You know, he is
pretty easily distracted.

Yeah, a bowl of pudding and a
shiny set of keys ought to do the trick.

Well, well, well.

I've got something on my wife,

and she doesn't know it.

I'm going to have fun
with this one.


I want out!
Do you hear me?

Stop it! Stop it!
I can't stand it.

No! No!

Be quiet.

I'm going to pop
like a dumpling!

I need water!
I need cold water!

No, no water.

What are you doing?

Ah! Ah! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold!

Brain freeze! Brain
freeze! Brain freeze!

Turn it off!
Turn it off!


Okay, they're gone.
Come on.

Stay cool, stay cool.
Pick up your stuff.



Uh, you paying by cash or check?

Oh. Check.

By the way, if you two
are moving in together,

we got a registry.

Okay, she's coming.

Okay, okay.

Game face.
Put your game face on.

Wow, look at here, Andy.

The Royal Flush actually
puts the seat back down

when you're done.

Now, how many arguments
is that going to save?


Oh, and it's the official toilet

of the Swedish monarchy.

Some of the cleanest
people in the world.

Yes, yes.
Hey, honey.

You know, since
we're redecorating,

I was thinking about

a plasma TV
for the bedroom. Huh?

Look at that guy
watching baseball.

How happy is he?

I don't know.

A plasma TV, the Royal Flush.

God, if there was a fire, I
wouldn't know what to save.


Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait, Jim.

Are you saying that you
can afford a Royal Flush XP

and a plasma TV?

No, you're right.
One has to go.

Ah, well, I'm thinking
you'll go for the plasma TV.

You'd think.

Nah, toilet.

Okay, I'm going to go upstairs

and say goodbye to
my old porcelain friend.

Honey, honey, wait,
just one more thing.

Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl,
newspaper under the arm.

The countdown has begun.

Okay, but, but...

What do you think, honey...

What do you think of a
mini-fridge in the living room?

A mini-fridge in the living...

Cold beers in here?

I wouldn't have to go
into the kitchen. No.

But how would Ruby and
Gracie get their exercise?

Yeah, you're right.
Nah, toilet.

Okay, Jim, hey, um, um...

How about a steam shower?

No. Bad experience.

You know, a steam shower
would be awesome,

but you know what?

So is the Royal Flush.
That's awesome, too.

How about sex
with another woman?

You or me?

Nah, toilet.

Dana, I've tried everything.

Jim is not budging
off of that toilet.

I mean, so to speak.


My only two options now
are telling him the truth

or leaving him.

(GASPS) I know this
great bar. Totally hot guys.

You're a little old,
but they keep it dark.


Andy, what... What... Hey!

That's our toilet.

Not anymore. Now it's a
planter for my front porch.

Yep, Jim's upstairs
installing the Royal Flush XP.

That's not possible.

Why? You said
you ordered it, right?

Well, yeah, but...

Yep, as soon as he
gets that modem set up,

that thing's going to be online.

So what are you going
to plant in that thing?

I'm not sure yet,

but I know it's going to grow.


Welcome to the future.

Toilet, seat up.

Toilet, music.


So, uh, where'd this
thing come from?

From my wonderful wife, right?


You know, that's
what I love about you.

You ask me my opinion,
and you listen.

Yeah, I can't dance
to toilet music.

Oh, fine.

All right, here.
Why don't you sit down?

No, no, come on, try it out.

I want you to experience
the XP's unsurpassed comfort

and beverage holder.


Hello, Cheryl.

Oh, my God!

It knows my name?

Yeah, yeah.
It's weight-sensitive.

I programmed it.

Hello, Jim.


Is that James Earl Jones?

Yeah, yeah.

Don't you just love the
way his voice resonates

around the sides of the bowl?

It kind of tickles me.

You know what?
And get this,

it comes with
a lifetime guarantee, Cheryl.

That means we'll never
need a new toilet.

Ever, ever, ever.

Jim... And you know
what? When I die,

Kyle will inherit the throne,

just like Shakespeare.

Come on over here. Sit
with me. Come on, come on.

Hello, Andy.

I got Andy, too.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
you know what?



What, aren't you
enjoying the toilet

that the both of us
picked out together?

Stop it, stop it, all right?

I lied.

Is that what you want to hear?

I am a great big hypocrite.

Why, Cheryl, why?

What would drive a common
housewife to lie to her husband?

Because you were right.

Because I don't care
about your stupid opinions.

I just want you to tell me

that everything
I choose is perfect,

because, Jim, this is my house.

I clean it.
I keep it in order.

It's mine, not yours, not
James Earl Jones's, mine!

Go ahead, say it.


"Well, well, well."

I don't need to, Cheryl.

Well, well, well.

Uh, just a little option
that I splurged on.

All right, your point
is made. You win.

Now can we get rid of it?

No, no.
No way. No way.


This will stand
as a chrome monument

and a timeless message
to women everywhere.

Don't ask your man
for his opinion

unless you really want it.

I promise I will never
show you another paint sample.


Or take you to another
sofa showroom.

Or ask you

for your decorative opinion
on anything ever again.

Thank you. I will be happy
not to be there for you.


Now, let me show you this.

Oh, honey...

Come on, really, really.

It's got an
adjustable seat, okay?

It's got a night light.


And it's self-cleaning.



Self-cleaning? Why
didn't you open with that?

I love that.

Oh, wow.