According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Baby - full transcript

Jim's sister Roxanne visits Cheryl and Jim. She tells them she is going to have a baby, and Andy is the father.

Mommy, can we wake Daddy up?

No, honey, it's Sunday.

You know what Daddy says about
waking him early on Sunday morning.

He'll call the TV people

and have them take cartoons
off the air forever and ever.

He'll do it, too.

He did it to Mommy
with Sex and the City.

But we want daddy
to play Talent Show.



We can sing and dance and
wear our sparkle dream headbands.

Aw, I'm sorry, girls,

but Daddy promised Mommy
he'd play clean the gutters today.


That's been Mommy's sparkle
dream for about six months now.

RUBY: But we want to
play Talent Show now.

I'm going to do his
nails and his hair.

GRACIE: And I'm going
to put lipstick on him.

RUBY: And he's going
to like my song more.

GRACIE: Nuh-uh.
My song.


CHERYL: Okay, okay,
I can't take it anymore!

Okay, wake your father.



Hey, Jimmy.


What the hell
are you doing here?

Hey, is that any way
to greet your sister?

Hey, if that's a mouse, you
better feed it some cheese.

Roxanne, I thought I told you

I never wanted
to see your face again.

What crawled up your butt?

Are you still mad at
me for marrying Andy?

No, I'm mad at you for
dumping him the next day.

Aw, come on.
I had a bad year.

So did Martha Stewart,

I don't see you ragging on her.

Come on, Jimmy.
Give me a break.

No, I've given you
tons of breaks. No.

Go. Just get out.
Leave me alone.

Aw, fine.


What... What's that?

It's a baby in my stomach.


You're pregnant?

Oh, you're quick.

Took me two weeks of
throwing up to figure that one out.

All right.

The baby can come in.

RUBY: Daddy,
where are you?

Let's go in through the garage.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Cheryl, Cheryl,
what are you doing?

Those are the good cookies.

She's pregnant.
She's not dying.

Here you go, Roxanne,
a nice hot cup of tea.

It's decaf.

I know you have to be
careful in your condition.

Oh, I sure do.

Hey, you got any bourbon?

No, I'm kidding.

I gave up the booze, the
smokes, and off-roading.

Now this kid better
be freaking cute.

Okay, Roxanne.
Come on, let's cut to it.

Where's your boyfriend?
Where's Rick?

Jim, that's none
of our business.

No, it's okay. We
split up a while ago.

No kidding.

Gee, if you two kids
couldn't make it,

there's no hope for anybody
in this roller-coaster world.

What do you want?
What are you doing here?

Jim. No, Cheryl.
What do you want?

Aw, jeez, Jimmy,

can't a girl show up
on her brother's doorstep

broke, knocked up, and alone,

and not be after something?

I need a place to stay.

Okay, now it begins.

"I need a place to stay,"

the good cookies...

Cheryl, you want
to get the money sock?

We're giving it
all away tonight.

Honey, can I talk to you
in the other room?

No, I'm not going in
the other room with you.

To talk. So you can
appeal to my emotions.

No way.
I'm smarter than that.

I'm in the mood for a quickie.

I know you're lying.

Am I?

I can't be 100% sure.
Come on.

Oh, yes, the couch,
the couch. Good idea.

We got to let her stay.

I knew it!

Look, honey, we can
put her in Kyle's room,

and then Kyle can stay
in our room. It'll be fine.

No. No. No way.
She is not staying here.

And what about Andy?
What if Andy sees Roxanne?

It's going to just kill him.

I know. It's going
to be hard on him,

but we just have
to let him know easy.

ANDY: Oh, my God, no!

I can't believe this.

You made French toast
and didn't call me.

We had an agreement.

Andy, sit down.

I need to tell you something.

Ooh, man. I hope
labor's that easy.



Hi, Roxanne.

Whoa, look at you.


Yeah, a little pregnant, huh?

That was my first thought, yeah.

Yeah. And it's
yours, honey.

Okay, that wasn't my second.

All right, Andy's
helping Roxanne unpack.

How are we doing
on that air mattress?

Just a couple more minutes.

Ruby's getting a second wind.


Daddy, I'm dizzy.

All right, you tag out.
Gracie, you're up.


What? I'm stewing.

You want me to stew and
blow up the air mattress?

That puts a lot of
strain on a man's heart.

Don't you want your children
to have a father around?

Do you hate
your children, Cheryl?

Yeah, Jim, I hate our children.


Oh. Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, my girls.

Oh, I love you.
Mmm, I love you.

In fact, why don't you
girls go get ice cream

while Daddy blows up
the air mattress?


Hey, what's going on?

Well, uh, Roxanne's here.

She's pregnant,
and it's Andy's baby.

Oh, yeah?

Wait till you hear about my day.

I went to the coffee shop,

and you know those maple
scones they're always out of?

They had them.
I ate six!

Dana, Dana, focus.

Roxanne is here, and she's
pregnant with Andy's baby.


Oh, my God.

Andy a father?

Roxanne a mother?

I ate six maple scones?

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Dana, Dana,
you're hyperventilating.

Here, blow into this.

I hate my life.
I'm alone and bloated.

Dana, this is not about you.

This is about your brother.

He's upstairs,
and he is freaked out.


Hey, Cheryl, you got an old
breast pump laying around?


Ah, I'll buy a new one.

(GASPS) Dana!

I'm going to be a dad.

Anything new with you?
No, right?

Come here.

Wait, wait a minute.

You and Roxanne
broke up a year ago.

This can't be your baby.

She's right.

Well, well, well. So the baby
isn't my niece or nephew.

No. No, honey, no.
It's still your sister's kid.

Be that as it may,

I am not going to let Roxanne
take advantage of us or that sap.

Come on, Andy.
Let's go talk to her.

Uh, yeah, wait, Jim, um...

What if, say,
roughly nine months ago,

I went to Vegas to, you know,

get the marriage
annulled with Roxanne,

and, oh, I don't know,

let's say there was
a hot tub place

next to the courthouse...

Andy, Andy, Andy.

I don't believe you.

After what she did to you,
how could you even look at her?

Hey, don't preach to me.

Preach to my fiery Latin libido.


You're not Latin.

Parts of me are.

Andy, come on.
Wake up here, all right?

Roxanne is a user.

She's going to split and
leave you with the baby.

Are you ready
to be a single dad?

Just now, upstairs,

I felt Roxanne's stomach,

and the baby kicked.

My baby.

You guys, man, it made me so...


So yeah, Jim,
I'm ready to be a dad.

I even know the first present

I'm going to give the
baby, my stuffed elephant.

Lord Tuskington?


Oh, he got it
when he was a baby.

He and Tusky were inseparable.

They even had a wedding once.


It was a friendship ceremony.

You gave him a ring.

Oh, yeah? Well, you used to kiss Michael
Landon through the TV screen. Snap.

So did you. Snap.

His hair was confusing.

So they pull it out, and
it's all covered in slime...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on?

Hey, girls.
Hi, Daddy.

Aunt Roxanne's telling
us about having babies.

Don't worry.
I kept it G-rated.

Daddy, what's episiotomy?

Oh, episiotomy, that's, uh...

That's one of
SpongeBob's friends.

Hey, girls,

you want to go upstairs and
find the pony I hid in your room?


You know, you could
just tell us to leave.

Did I say pony?

I meant dollar.


You know, they grow up
a lot slower than you think.

So, Roxanne, what's the plan?

I don't know.

Some peanut butter,
maybe a little jelly.


Tell me if this sounds right.

You have the baby,
you move in with Andy,

you get him all
emotionally attached,

you leave, and he
becomes Mr. Mom.

Why would I leave?

Because that's
what you do, Roxanne.

Kids like ice cream,
dogs lick themselves,

and you let people down.

Oh. No, not this time.

Andy is a great guy.

Yes, he is.

He's sweet, he's
loving and successful.

Why do you think I picked him?

Whoa, picked him?

What do you mean by that?

Are you telling me
that Andy's not the father?

Of course he is.


I mean, you know, there's
always that tiny percentage,

you know, where a gal
can never be sure.

Yes, they can, Roxanne.


Are you absolutely sure
you're the father of your kids?

Yes, I am.

Who is it?

It's Rick, right?

He's the father.
Rick, right?

Or Andy.

ANDY: Okay.

(LAUGHS) Got a couple
slabs of ribs,

some mint chocolate chip
ice cream,

and a watermelon.

Andy, you won't
have to take care

of Roxanne's cravings anymore.

Roxanne, you have cravings?
Want some of my dinner?

No, Roxanne just told me

that Rick might be the father.

Oh, come on, Jimmy.
I didn't say that.

Yes, you did.
You said that Andy

wasn't the only one
you were with.

Well, I meant ever.

Andy knows I'm no angel.

Doesn't mean she's never
been to heaven. Wink.


Andy, Andy.
Hey, what?

(MUMBLES) But...
No bu-bu-bu.

No, Andy...

First of all,
you don't bu-bu me.

I bu-bu-bu you.

Well, you won't let
it go, Jim. Come on.

For God's sake,
give her a break.

Your sister says I'm
the father of the baby,

I'm the father of the baby.

Nothing you can say
is going to change that.

Come on, Roxanne.
I'll get your stuff.

You stay with me tonight.

You know what? The
ice cream's going to melt.

I'll get your stuff later.
Good day, sir.

So three quick inhales followed
by a deep, cleansing exhale.

Three inhales, one exhale.

Can't we just skip to the part where they
give you the drugs and the baby shoots out?


Oh, great.
What are you doing here?

Look, there was no
other way to do this.

You wouldn't listen to me.

Roxanne, you want
to introduce them?


Hey, Roxy.

Oh, okay,
you're the famous Rick,

as in the "I love Rick" tattoo
on her left butt cheek.

Yeah, I did that myself, yeah.

Yeah, well, he told me it
was going to be a unicorn.

How could you do this?
I told you to stay out of it.

I'm just trying
to look out for you.

Did I ask you
to look out for me?

Did I say, "Hey, Jim,
look out for me,

"because I can't look out
for myself. I'm an idiot"?

I thought that was implied.

Roxy, why didn't you tell
me you were knocked up?

Would you have cared?

Please, I'm a sensitive man.

Your melons are huge,
by the way.

Rick, why don't you
do us all a favor

and get the hell out of here?

I'm not going anywhere.

Well, you're also not lying
on the floor bleeding, either,

but things can change.

Come on, Jimmy, do something.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
easy, guys, easy.

(LAUGHS) Come on,
calm down here.

Care to step outside?

Oh, I don't know.
It's kind of chilly.

That's 'cause
there's a storm coming.

Oh, really?
I heard Friday.

Andy, he's talking
about kicking your ass.

Oh. Well, either way,

it's going to rain Friday.

Come on, bring it on. Easy now.

Listen, you don't want
to do that here.

Oh! Ooh! Aah!
I'm having a contraction!

(GASPS) I think
the baby's coming.

We've got to do something.
Where's the lady?

Here, let's check the tape.

Notes for a novel,

Andrew Slate, the
rugged blond architect,

heaved his muscular frame and...

Damn it!

All right, all right. Just calm
down. Relax. Everybody relax.

I'm a dad. I've done this
a couple times before.

You two together?

Good for you.

All right, all right, Roxanne,
did your water bag break?

Oh, not yet.

I think mine just did.

Hey, I have a good name.

If it's a girl, Priscilla.


Hey, okay, okay.

How about Jasmine?
That's a good name.

Yeah, for a hooker.

All right,
you come up with a name.

How about Little Miss

Or Jessica.

Jessica's a good name.

Here. Boy, this really reminds
me of when Ruby was born.

And you panicked and took
me to the animal hospital?

She came out just fine.

I gave birth next to a
dog. I still have nightmares.


Roxanne's out of delivery.

Mother and son are doing fine.

It's a boy.

BOTH: Trevor.

I'm the father.
Lead the way.

No, I'm the father.

Oh, you still want to
go? Because I'll go.

Okay, okay, okay,
easy, easy, guys.

We're in a hospital.

Actually, she just wants to
see her brother right now.


Cheryl, why does
she want to see me?

I don't even like her that much.

Why don't you talk to her?
You like her. She likes you.

Come on.

Honey, I know you guys
don't get along,

but, Jim,

she's holding
your nephew in there,


and she's scared,

and you're the only
family she's got.

Go on.

Why do you always have
to see the good in people?

Oh. I married you.

Everyone else
is a piece of cake.



How you doing?

I feel like I just peed
out a steamer trunk.

How do you think I'm doing?

You got a little
baby there, huh?

Let me see.

Jimmy, wait.

No, no, no, let me see.

Holy crap.

That baby doesn't
look like Andy or Rick.

This baby's Chinese!



Funny story.

Last summer,
I had these headaches,

and I went to see
this acupuncturist,

and he had an office right
next to a hot tub place...

Okay, okay, I get it, I
get it, I get it, I get it.

Roxanne, what are
you going to do?

I mean, you got Rick and
Andy waiting out there.


Yeah, which one do I choose?


Yeah, Andy, he's sweet,
and he has a really nice house,

but Rick's got a bitching hog.

Roxanne, neither one
of them is the father.

Wake up.
Will you wake up?

You've got to grow up, honey.

You're a mother, now.
Look at you.

You're not even
holding the baby right.

Let me show you. Let me
show you how to hold a...

You've got to
support their neck.

It's the most vulnerable
part of babies

when they're little
small things like this.

See that?


Look at you, yeah.

My little nephew.
Happy birthday.

He's beautiful, isn't he?


He's got my chin.


You know, that would be
a really good name for him.

Look at this boy.

Will you look at this boy?

You know, Roxanne,

he's going to need you to
show him how to live his life.

Now, you're the teacher,

And what, are you going
to teach him that it's okay

to screw over
people that love you?


Look, this is
your shot, Roxanne.

This is your shot.

And the amazing thing
about these little babies

is they give you
the chance to start over.

Knock, knock.
Can we come in?

Who's he look like?
Who's he look like?

About a fifth of the
world's population.


What happened?

He's Chinese, you idiot.

He's all yours, slim.

Well, looks like you're
off the hook, too.

What if I don't want
to be off the hook?

What are you talking about?

This baby still needs
a father, Roxanne,

someone to love him,
put a roof over his head.

I can provide those things.

I mean, isn't that why
you came looking for me?


Yeah, but I've been thinking...


I think it would be nice if
he meets his real father.

Chin deserves that.


Well, yeah, just trying it out.


Well, if it doesn't work out, or if
you want to jump in the old jacuz,

you got my number.

Aw, Andy, you're so sweet.


Can I call collect?
Is that cool?


Um, uh, here.

This is for the baby.

I'm going to go get
Cheryl and Dana.

Oh, he would have been
a really good dad.

He will be, someday.


What if we go back

and see the acupuncturist,

and he doesn't want to
have anything to do with us?


You got my number.

Hey, look.

He gave me an elephant.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.
That's Lord Tuskington.

That was Andy's first
stuffed animal, and spouse.

Might want to wash it
before you give it to the kid.