According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 17 - Cheryl Sings - full transcript

Cheryl decides to sing in Jim's band to prove to her cousin that she has talent. Trouble is, Cheryl cannot sing.


Wanna hear Ruby's joke?


Okay. So, there's this
alligator and this bird,

and the bird poops
on an alligator.

And they talk about poop
when wiping bird poop off.


Oh, you get it?

I love that.

That's really funny.

Okay, they're gone.



JIM: Oh, baby!

...and the matador,
bleeding from his shoulder,

presented me with a single rose.

That's Spain.


Mommy, your cousin
goes everywhere.

Yes, and then we get
to hear all about it.

Mindy, more pasta?

Oh, no, thank you.
I'm watching my figure.

I'm getting married
in a few months.

Yes, we know.
In Bali.

With your soul mate, Eric.

Oh, you know, Eric and I went on a
cooking tour of Italy's Ligurian coast,

and we made a sauce
like this, but with truffles.

(STAMMERING) Well, I used
to make the sauce with truffles,

but we got so tired
of it after a while.

Yeah, so we're sticking to
the kind in the jar for now.

You know, I'll have
to send you my recipe.

Of course, I'll have to translate
it from the original Italian.

Mindy, did you know that
Cheryl speaks fluent French?


In fact, Jim and I were just
talking about going to France.

Weren't we, Jim?

Uh... No.

But I like French things.

French fries, toast.

Oh, and that little skunk who's
always trying to kiss that cat.

Pepe Le Pew.


point is that we travel.

We travel extensively.

Which is a good thing to talk
about over divorce... dessert.

Homemade Bavarian apple strudel.


Which Cheryl discovered
on her travels

to the market down the street.

Daddy can't pay
with checks there.

That was a mistake.

I thought they were
going out of business.

I'm gonna go help
Cheryl. Excuse me.

So, Osaka, Japan.


Who can guess what that means?

I'd like to kill myself.

(CHUCKLES) Silly. No.

No. I'd like
to kill myself.

travel places you'll never go,

"and, look, here's my
engagement ring from Eric.

"It's flawless,
just like me."

Cheryl, what's this crap
about us going to France?

You know the deal. If
you want to go to Europe...

I am not making out with
the pretzel girl from the mall.


I hate her.

Strudel looks great.

(IMITATING MINDY) "Oh, you know,
I'm getting married in a few months.

"I got to
watch my figure."

I should put bacon fat
in her coffee.

Cheryl, don't give that away.

That is liquid gold.

Why do you let your
Cousin Mindy get to you?

Jim, you don't know
what it's like.

Mindy's not the perfect person

you've been compared
to your whole life.

Cheryl, we all
have our Mike Ditkas.

Come on.

When we were little, if I
got an A, she got an A-plus.

I won the district championship
in tennis, she won state.

I had a cute boyfriend,
she had a cuter one.

Well, you won the last one.


You want me to take my shirt
off in there so you can brag?

Huh? I'll do it.

Just give me some kind of cue.

Like, say "pickle" or something.

I'll make it go smooth.

Yeah, yeah. I get it.
You've been to Venice.

Well, tomorrow, I am
jetting down to Florida.

To help my mom
move into a new condo.

Driving a rented truck.

Hey, where are the girls?

They're watching a DVD
in the back seat of my SUV.

Apparently, they've never
seen anything like that before.

JIM: Oh.

I'm gonna step outside.

Do you want a wedgie? Sure.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

JIM: Sit down.
Sit down.

Um, did I tell you?

Eric's photography
is really catching on.

It's just a hobby, but several
galleries are interested.

Oh. Jim's band
is doing great, too.

They're playing gigs
all over town.

I'm Eric's muse.

Most of his shots are of me.

I'm the lead singer
in Jim's band.


Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

Right, Jim?

Pickle. Pickle.

Is it hot in here?

Boy, I'm glad
you said it, buddy.

Hey, Cheryl. Don't do the
dishes. I'll do them tonight.


I just made that up to
make myself look better. Oh.

Gee, I wonder where I
learned that little trick.

Oh, from my lead
singer in the band!

So I embellished a little bit.

Everybody does it.
It's harmless.

Is it?

Or is it just a slow
descent into hell?

Honey, what's it gonna be like
keeping track of all your embellishments?

Lies building on lies.

You're on a pretty high horse

for someone who lies
as often as you do.

Cheryl, when I lie,
I have legitimate reasons.

I either want something or
want to get out of something.

But I would never lie
to make myself look better

in front of someone like Mindy,

who, by the way, hit on me.


I'm just saying when
I took off my shirt,

she was the only one
that didn't turn her head.



Oh, hi, Mindy. Yeah.


Are you sure?

Of course, my band would love
to play for your engagement party.

Yes, Cheryl will sing,
'cause she's in the band.

Terrific. Fantastic.
Thank you.

Keep your head
and hands in the car

on your slow descent into hell.


No, no, no. I'm not singing
at that party. No way.

Then maybe you should just
call Mindy back and tell her why.

(SIGHS) I can't.

She'll spread it through
the family like a virus.

I'll be a laughingstock.

Can you imagine? Me.

Dana and Andy are in my
family, and I'll be the laughingstock.

All right. I guess I'll see
you at rehearsal tomorrow.


And the new guy
always brings the beer.

And also we have
a standing tradition

that the new guy has to
eat a marshmallow out of...

You just bring the beer.

Hey, John, how was
that date last night?

Oh, smokin', man.

She had an incredible set of...


Oh. Was it Wedgwood?

Uh, actually,
I think it was bone.



I don't get it.

He nailed a girl with
big knockers. Cookie?

All right, Cheryl.

You sure you want to do this?

I mean, you're not really
a professional singer, honey.

One phone call to Mindy
and you can be out of this.

No, no. I'd rather face an
audience than face Mindy.

Besides, I sing in church and
I've never gotten any complaints.

(CHUCKLING) All right.
Your call, baby.

All right, Stormy Monday, guys.

Tony, take it up.
One, two, three...


Okay, you know what?
Wait, wait, wait.

You know what? I
feel like something's off.

What do you think it is, Yoko?

You know what I think it is?

I think it's the tempo. I
think you guys are too slow.

I think we pick it up.

One, two, one, two, three, four.


Not only has she ruined
that song for me,

she's also ruined New Orleans.


Are you really gonna let
Cheryl sing at the party tonight?

Andy, women are like children.

They don't learn their lessons
until they see the error of their ways.

What about men?

Oh, we got to go to jail.

CHERYL: One more time!



Uh, why don't you save
your voice for the show?

CHERYL: Oh, good idea.

Great idea.

Oh, all right.

Let's get this stupid
party over with.

A couple of days in Florida,
and I officially hate my life.

Hangin' out with Mom
will do that to you.

"Why is a girl as pretty as
you not married? Are you gay?"

I wear one flannel shirt,

and she tried to set me
up with her waxing lady.

And then she went on and on about
how great Mindy's wedding's gonna be

and how successful her
record-producer fiance is.

You know what? I'm glad I
tore the labels off her medicines.

Mindy's fiance
is a record producer?

Yeah, at, like, Crocodile
Records or something.

Crocodile Records?
They do all the blues guys.

Andy, if he hears us,
and we're good,

we may have a shot
at a recording deal.

Wow. Hey, for the album
cover, let's get in a field,

strip down totally naked with
daisies covering our business.

All we have to do
is kick ass tonight.

BOTH: Cheryl!

We can't let her sing.

(LAUGHS) Cheryl sing? Where?

At the engagement party.
With our band.

Okay, why would you do that?
Cheryl's totally tone-deaf.

No kidding.

Haven't heard any dogs in the
neighborhood lately, have you?

We've got to tell her.

She's gonna be so upset.

You do it.
You're the husband.

Come on, you're blood.
I just sleep with her.

Come on, Jim.

What's more important,
Cheryl's happiness

or our million-to-one shot
at a record deal?


Did you guys hear me up there?

I was kickin'.

Sweetie, sweetie.
I know you love singing.

I do, I do.
I really do.

These last few days rehearsing
with you guys have been amazing.

I totally get why
you love it so much.

So, let's go to that
party and rock the house!


I'll tell her in the car!

Well, do it early. I prefer
her crying to her singing.

So, Dana.

The waxing lady.
How did it go?

Dinner and a movie, no big deal.

Look at you.

Who knew that the
little girl with the stammer

would end up to be the
lead singer in a band?

Oh. Look at you.

The bed-wetter, all engaged.


Okay, then.
I'm mingling.


I thought you were going
to tell Cheryl in the car.

She was feeling too good.

Really, it's not
a good time to do it.

How about when you
told her to pump gas?

Hey, you better tell her quick.

We're about to show our
stuff to the record producer.

All right! Fine!

Big wheel keep on turning.
Proud Mary keep on burning.

Rolling, rolling,
rolling on a river.

Doot, doot, doot, doot.
Doot, doot, doot, doot.

Doot, doot, doot, doot,
doot, doot, doot, doot.


How you doin'?
I am pumped.

You better be on your toes up
there, because I might throw in

a couple of extra doots
if I'm feeling it.

Cheryl, I love you so much.

I really do.

And because I love you so
much, I've gotta tell you something.


Cheryl, you don't
sing very well.

I don't know what you're
doing, but it's not singing.

Oh, I know what this is.


This is one of those band things

where you rag each other,
but you don't really mean it.

Well, right back at you.

You are a crappy
harmonica player.

(LAUGHS) Zing!

Cheryl, I didn't want
to have to do this,

but this is a tape of
the rehearsal yesterday.



Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
Is that really me?

Well, it's not Billie Holiday.

I suck.

Well, kind of.

How come nobody ever told me?

I'm sure people
tried to tell you.

I'm sure they did,

but just like the right
notes in the song,

you didn't hear it.

Oh, God, I am so embarrassed.

Wait a minute.

I've been rehearsing
with you guys all week,

and you wait
till now to tell me?

Well, I was trying to teach you

a little lesson
about embellishment,

but I just couldn't
get through it.


Cheryl, I'm too terrific.



I found out that Mindy's
fiance is a record producer.

I'm doing it
for the band, Cheryl.

And for you, too.

You want to live in those
rags the rest of your life?

Don't you want some new clothes?

I don't believe you.

You set out to make
me look like a fool,

and then you're looking
like you're saving me

to save yourself
from looking like a fool.

And you made me pump gas!

Cheryl, I cannot help it if the
gas tank is on the passenger side.

Blame Japan for that.

Jim, Cheryl.

This is the Mr. and Mrs.
Thaddeus Dempseys.


Hi. How are you?

The whole party is abuzz
about your group.

Oh, yeah, um...

I'm not gonna be
singing with the guys.

Oh, shock! Why?

Are we having
a little stage fright?

That's what knocked you
out of the district debate finals.

I won.


You know what it is? I've got
a little bit of a scratchy throat,

and we're opening up for a
huge blues band next week.

Really, who?

Um, Blind Slim Fats Junior.

I think I've heard them.

Yes, well, I am now in an
eternal funk about you not singing.

Oh, look, it's the Mr. And
Mrs. Jerry Sinclairs.

Come, Dempseys, let's meet.

Nice meeting you.
Yes, you, too.

Cheryl, what are you doing?

You're embellishing again.

I'm not gonna tell her the truth
now. It'll be too embarrassing.

So what if it's embarrassing?

Who cares what
other people think?

I'm not afraid to make
a fool out of myself.

I know I'm no Mick Jagger,
but I'm having a ball up there.

Well, that's true.

You're no Mick Jagger.

Cheryl, your whole life you've
been trying to measure up to Mindy.

I mean, you are, like, a
million times better than her.

Aren't you getting tired of it?

MINDY: Okay, everybody.
Settle down.

Bride-to-be talking now.

It's inspiring to see so many
happy couples out there.

The Simons, the
Drakes, the Johnstons,

my single cousins Dana and Andy.

It's gonna happen
for you. I promise.

Dana, Dana, Dana.
Save it for group.

Enough of me.

Who's ready to get
their boogie on?

Let's welcome Cousin Jim
and the guys.

Well, that's not our
name, but thank you.


Hi, uh...

(STAMMERING) I don't actually have
a scratchy throat. I'm perfectly healthy.

I'm just bad.

I can't sing.

And I'm not going to France,

I've never made
anything out of truffles,

and that Bavarian apple strudel?

Apple pie from a box.

You win.

Oh, goody.

I win! I win!

Eric, come here, I have
something wonderful to tell you.

JIM: Ladies
and gentlemen,

first of all, we'd like to
dedicate this first song

to Mindy, the bride-to-be,
and to her fiance Eric,

who just happens
to be a record producer,

and we just happen to be a band.

A record producer?

accountant at Crocodile Records.


Mindy, what have you
been telling people?

Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.

No, no, Mindy, you
know what? Seriously,

this is nothing to
be embarrassed about.

You want to see something
embarrassing, watch this.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna do the one
thing Mindy can't do.

I'm gonna have fun.


Ladies and gentlemen, I'd
like to welcome to the stage

someone you're never, ever
gonna forget after tonight.

She is gorgeous, she is kind,

she's mine, all mine.

Please welcome,
from Chicago, Illinois,

in her full glory,
Cheryl, my wife.


Thank you.

We have a little song here
we'd like to send out

to all the accountants
out there.

This is a song we normally
like to do nice and easy.

Real nice and easy.

But tonight, I'm thinking
we're gonna do this song rough.

Real rough.

All right, guys.
Kick it.