According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 15 - Dana Dates the Reverend - full transcript

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Well, I hope you had a nice nap.

(YAWNS)

You know, you missed
a really good sermon.

Hey, first page of the
Bible, my dear, day of rest.

And I'll see you next Sunday.

Thank you.
Okay.

Cheryl, hello.
Hi, Reverend. Hello.

How are you?
Great.

Jim, hey,
what are you doing here?

The pancake breakfast
isn't until next Sunday.

Oh, well, I got a big bowling
tournament coming up,



and I wanted to know if you'll
bless Rolling Thunder for me.

No, no, Reverend, look,
you don't have to.

No, no, no, no.
That's fine.

This is all part of the job.

You know, I've blessed hamsters,

I've blessed lottery
tickets, and, um,

I don't want to get too graphic,

but Mr. Anderson's
finally going to be a dad.

Ooh, I know what this is.
This is the Ebonite 280

with reactive resin shell, yes.

Oh, good.

You bowl, Reverend Pierson?

Oh, yeah, sure.

A lonely teen need not
turn to drugs and promiscuity



when there's an empty
lane available.

Hey, can you do mine, too?

(LAUGHS)

Okay, shall we bow our heads?

Yes.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Dear Lord, we ask you to bless
these spheres for your glory.

May they roll true,

commensurate with the skills

of these men, your servants.

Amen.

Oh, that's great.
Amen.

Thank you very much.
You know what?

If Satan shows up
as a tenpin this week,

he's in trouble.

Well, I think that's pretty
unlikely, but okay, fine, sure.

Hey, Jim, on the way home,

just to be safe, let's take these
over to Temple Beth Israel.

You know, we should stop
at the airport, too,

give those Hare Krishnas
a whack at 'em, you know?

Can't be too safe.

Reverend Pierson, will you
bring our kitty back to life?

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
No, I can't do that.

I'm not Jesus.

Who?

All right, that's it.
No more coloring in church.

Go, go, go.

Dana, can I talk with you
for a moment, please?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I know it was wrong.

But honestly, I can color
and listen at the same time.

No, no.
It's not that. Um...

Are you free for lunch tomorrow?

Uh, yeah.

Great. Okay.
It's a date, then.

1:00 at Antonio's.
Terrific.

Um, sure, but...
Hey, kids,

kids, that's a collection
plate, not a Frisbee.

See you then.

Dana, what was that all about?

(GASPS)

He asked you to chair
the bake sale, didn't he?

Because your brownies
were so popular!

Crap! I knew nut
clusters were a risk.

Cheryl, the Reverend
asked me out.

Shut up!

(STAMMERING) Is what Mary said
when the angel told her she was with child.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Ah, Beltzman, come on.
Give me one good reason

why you can't bowl
in the tournament.

Oh, he did?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, uh, don't you
think helping me

win the bowling tournament
would be a great way

of honoring your
father's memory?

Hello? Hello?

We're a man short.

Beltzman's father died.

Man, why does everything
bad always happen to us?

Always!

I can't believe I'm getting
hit on at church now.

I hate being beautiful.

"Oh, wah! I'm Dana.

"I haven't paid for
a drink since 1989!"

(LAUGHING)

Wait a minute.
It's not funny.

We have to deal with
getting hit on all the time.

Yeah, I know. Just because
our family was blessed

with perfect bone structure.

CHERYL: Yeah.

Well, the women.

Aren't there any guys who
actually see me for who I am?

Oh.

Look, Dana, honey,
you just got to be honest.

You got to tell Reverend Pierson

that you don't see him that way.

You just want to be friends.

Well, Dana, I got to tell you.

You know, I think the
best approach is honesty.

I mean, in my day, I would
take a girl out to dinner,

and I would turn to her and say,

"Look, don't take it personally,

"but I'm just
looking for someone

"a little more attractive
than you are."

And if I timed it right,
I got two desserts!

Oh. Oh!

Oh, jeez.
I'm so sorry, sir.

Oh, no, that's okay.
Uh, you're forgiven.

See, now I can write
this whole thing off.

See, because I'm a minister.

(LAUGHS)

I think you'd find it funny
if I was wearing my collar.

I guess that's...

(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, hey.

Listen, sit down.

(SIGHS)

We can't do this.

It's not you.

You're a really,
really great guy,

and, you know, looking
around the church on Sunday,

I can see why
you singled me out.

(LAUGHS)

But we have a great
relationship as friends.

And I would love
to have lunch with you.

I'll even let you pay.

It's just...
I want to be clear

from the very beginning

that this is in no way a date.

Okay?

Wow.

Uh, jeez.

Well, this is awkward.

Yeah. I know.

No, I mean for you.

(LAUGHING)

What?
This isn't a date!

No, I asked you here
to meet my friend Kitson

about a job at her ad agency.

Oh.

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

Can we just keep this
between the two of us?

No, we can't.

You believe it? She
thinks I was asking her out.

Okay. I'm not...

Entirely sure
if he speaks English.

Anyway, I am so sorry.
I totally misunderstood.

Oh, no, no.
No, that's fine.

You know, I'm sure you get
hit on all the time, I guess.

Yeah, I do.

I'm sure you do, too.

I heard the ladies in the
choir talking about you.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I'm just living
The Thorn Birds every day.

Oh, here she is. Hey.

Hi, Reverend.
Hi. How are you?

And you must be Dana.

Hi.
Hi.

You know, I half
expected to see wings,

the way the Reverend
talks about you.

Oh. Really?
What did he say?

Well, I just...
I told her the truth.

That you're a very
talented, very wonderful,

gifted woman and that you...

You're very special.

You know how sometimes

when you're talking to
someone and you feel like

they're the most interesting
person in the whole world?

Yeah.

Well, when you talk to someone,

you make them feel like they're

the most interesting
person in the whole world.

And, you know, that's stuff...

You can't find that on a resume.

Mmm, that's so true.

Now, I'm sure you think he finds

the goodness in everybody,

but let me tell you
something about this one.

He can be quite catty.

Apparently, there's
some guy named Jim

who doodles in the hymnal...

Let's order.
This is very good here.

Come on, let's see what's...

So, Dana, are you interested?

Yeah, I'm interested.

I'm very interested.

Deviled eggs!

That would be funny
if I ordered deviled eggs.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It wasn't a date?

No. It turns out he was
just trying to get me a job.

But now I think I like him.

I mean, I think
I like him a lot.

Oh, you had wine, didn't you?

No!

No, I am just saying
this is the kindest,

most selfless thing any
man has ever done for me.

It's like now
I know what they mean

when they talk
about inner beauty.

Although a few sit-ups
wouldn't kill him.

Oh.

I think I might have blown it

when I told him I would
never, ever go out with him.

No, no, no, no.
We can fix this.

No, look, all we need is
a no-pressure situation

where we can force
things to happen naturally.

Yes.
Yes.

Yeah, Beltzman.

Yeah, it's Jim.
I'm just checking in.

So tell me, when's the funeral?

Ah, same day
as the tournament, huh?

So, what time do you think
the funeral will be wrapped up?

Beltzman?

Damn!

You know what? If I knew
it was going to be that hard

to find a fourth bowler, I
would have made more friends.

That's it!
That's it!

Jim, you need a bowler.

Dana, you need to spend more
time with Reverend Pierson.

Solution, bowling double date.

Oh. Oh, my God, it's perfect.

He won't even know it's a date.

Are you kidding me? I don't
want to hang out with that guy.

It's bad enough I got to see
him once a year in church.

Come on, Jim.

Don't you want to see
our little Dana happy?

Eh...

I just can't believe

all the places you've
done missionary work.

So, where'd you go after Africa?

Uh, that would be the Amazon.

Yeah. You know,
I miss it sometimes.

Until I remember the ants
that carried off my boom box.

(LAUGHS)

JIM: Hey, Pierson,
you warm up first.

The gutters need cleaning out.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, I know what that is.

That's called
trash talking, right?

Uh-huh, yeah.

Okay. Well,
right back at ya.

Okay.
Your mama is...

Is what? What's my mama?
What's my mama?

You know, I don't
really know her,

so it's probably
not fair for me to say.

Uh-huh.

Jim, Dana and Reverend
Pierson are starting to connect.

Don't ruin it.

Here's the problem, Cheryl.
What?

You don't want me
to ruin things,

but you ask me to come along.

Oh.

Oh!

You'll never do that again.

Lucky.

Oh, God!

Good night, nurse!

That's three strikes in a row!

That's a turkey!
Oh, my God!

You know, your
trash talk may suck,

but you are a hell
of a bowler, Pierson.

That was incredible!

Hey, do you want to
go get a cup of coffee

and talk about how
incredible you are?

Yeah, yeah, that's
really nice, really nice,

but why don't you make it pizza

and get enough for all
of us? Go on. Go, go, go.

Good job, man.
That was really good.

Jim! What are you doing?
What do you mean?

This whole evening
is supposed to be

about getting Dana and
Reverend Pierson together

and letting love blossom.

Yeah, but that was
until I found out

what a great bowler he is.

You know, with Pierson,

we actually have a
chance at the Kowalski Cup.

Oh, honey, come on.

They fill it full of chili.

Great. I'll load up
on scented candles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You do that.

Hey, Pierson, Pierson.

Welcome to the team.

You are now a Ball Master.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, I'm sorry, Jim.

I just can't be
a Ball Master. Sorry.

Well, Andy came up
with the name.

It was either this
or Strike Force Sexy.

Well, that's not the problem.

It's that the heavenly father

has blessed me with
the ability to bowl,

and it would be a sin for me
to use that to vanquish another.

Hot wings and beer
after the game.

How spicy? Stop it!
I'm all right.

Stop it!

Come on, Pierson, Pierson, look.

You know what? Dana
comes to all the games.

Yeah, so?

What do you mean, so?
She is so into you, man.

Oh, really?
Yeah!

(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Come on!

Well, that's very
interesting, Jim,

because at lunch yesterday,

Dana made a very specific point

of saying she is not now, nor
would she ever, be interested in me.

Oh, come on. Girls
are goofy that way.

Trust me.

Oh, please.

Trust me, she is
totally into you, man.

Jim, stop it.

Come on, you know guys like
me don't get women like her.

What are you talking about?

You don't remember me in school?

Do you remember my
girlfriend Annika Shoemaker?

Annika Shoemaker?

Yeah. Short hair, legs
like an oak tree, no English.

That was a chick?

Jeez.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We'll make a little bet.

If I can prove to you
that Dana digs you,

you'll bowl in the tournament.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, okay,
prove it, Jim.

Dana, tell Pierson
you got a crush on him!

(MUFFLED)
Oh, my God, Jim,

I can't believe you just
said that! I'm gonna kill you!

Go on, go on.

Jim, what the hell was that?

What... I was
letting love blossom.

You don't make love
blossom the same way

you order a hot dog
at a ball game.

Ah, come on, what do you know?

Sit down with me
and make out with me.

Come here.

So, you really do?

Yes. I'm mortified at
how it just came out.

No. You're mortified?
I'm sweating like a pig.

Oh, my God, that's a really
stupid thing for me to say.

(LAUGHING) Sorry.
No, that's not stupid.

You are sweating like a pig.

Okay.

Pizza?

Yeah.
That's a nice start.

Okay.

Oh, I just can't believe it.

I know.
That is so sweet.

No, no.

Annika Shoemaker was a chick!

You look so hot in
this jacket I bought you.

You know, I would never
have bought this for myself,

but I have to admit, I
am quite a dish, aren't I?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

(GROANS)

What's wrong?

Well, nothing.

It's so nice.
I'm just...

I'm so scared I'm gonna
wake up kissing my pillow.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, honey, keep
those lips on ice.

I got a little thing
I got to do.

Hey, hot lips,
how you doing, huh?

Doing okay.

Are you ready to bowl?

Ooh, you bet.

Those pins are gonna go down
like Christians in the Coliseum.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey.

Wam, foom.

All right.

(KISSES BALL)
See you later.

Ah. It's good I got that one
out of my system early, huh?

(CHUCKLING)

What'd you do to him,
you succubus?

Me? Nothing!

Hey, this next one's
a strike, honey.

Okay, yeah.
All right.

And one, two, three, four, five.

What? I can't
believe this!

Before the two of you
got together,

he was a bowling machine.

Now he couldn't
hit the floor if he fell!

Are you saying this is my fault?

Yes! You made him weak!

You guys are crazy. There's
nothing wrong with him.

Oh!
(YELLS)

Sorry. My bad.
My bad.

Hey, hey, hey.

Guess who was first on the scene

for an overturned produce truck?

Jim!
What?

How could you?

You're always telling me
to eat more fruit.

No! Reverend Pierson
broke up with Dana,

and you told him to!

I did not!

Oh, please. You accused me
of making him a bad bowler!

All he cares about is
winning this stupid tournament!

Yeah! Is some stupid trophy
more important than my sister?

When it's filled
with chili, it is.

I had nothing to do with this!
Nothing! I didn't say anything!

Nothing crossed
between me and Pierson!

I said nothing,
nothing, nothing!

Yeah, you know, that denial
would carry a lot more weight

if you weren't surrounded
by accident-scene produce.

Oh.

Thanks for ruining
my life, jerk!

Oh. Jim, come on.

I don't know what happened,

but you've got to fix this.

Look at her.
She's a wreck.

All right, we'll send
her a fruit basket.

Jim.

Oh, come on! Don't
look at me like that.

Okay.

I'll talk to Pierson.

But will you do me a favor?

Will you put a tape in the VCR?

Because if this
accident's on the news,

I'm gonna definitely be on TV!

Pierson!
Oh!

Pierson.

What are you doing here?

I've been looking for you.

I went down to the church,

and one of your henchmen
told me you were here.

They're not henchmen, Jim.

They're called deacons.

All I know is they look mean.

Hey, look, can I
ask you a question?

Did you break up with Dana
because of something I said?

No, of course not.

Why would I listen
to anything you say?

Thank you!

Listen, will you do me a favor,

and will you tell Dana that?

Okay? She's in
the car right now.

What?

It's okay, I left the
window open. Come on.

My God, you're one strike
away from a perfect game!

You got your mojo back!

Yeah, that's right.

The pins have fallen, just like all
my hopes for finding somebody.

If you're so
heartbroken over this,

why did you break up
with her in the first place?

Because I was too happy.

What?

Well, she was
screwing everything up.

You know, the other day,
I was sitting with Mrs. Nolan

and I was listening to her talk
about her old, sick husband,

and I just kept
thinking to myself,

"Come on, sister, move it along.

"I got a date
with Dana."

Well, come on,
can't you help people

and be with Dana
at the same time?

She's just so hot!

Oh.

She's got me all nervous.

I mean, I'm not supposed
to be with a woman like that.

Come on, doesn't Cheryl have like
a pudgy sister with low self-esteem?

Kinda.

But it's Andy.

Look...

Look...

Do me a favor, will you?

Will you please
just go talk to Dana?

Come on, she's sitting in
the car being all crabby and...

And cold.

Oh!

I'm good.

I tried to use the heater,
but you took the keys.

Yeah, well, I got a back seat
full of fruit. I didn't want it to spoil.

Go on.
(MUTTERING)

Go on.
Talk to her.

You know, Jim, if Dana
and I get back together again,

then I'll be no good for
your tournament, so I don't...

I know, I know, I know, I know.

Look, there's gonna be
lots of other trophies.

I mean, next month they got one

that's a Viking hat
that they fill with ham.

Go on and speak with her.

Just talk to her.

Hey.
Hey.

Do you want to go
get a cup of coffee?

Yeah. I do.

I don't know what to say here.

The thing you have to
know about me is I'm an idiot.

That's a good start.

Hey, hey, hey, check it out!

This guy's a strike away
from a perfect game!

Right here!

That's right.

And I got the ball.

Yep!

You say
"How do you do it?"

I'll tell you how. Hard work,
discipline, no shortcut to victory.

Hey, you know, if you
do roll a perfect game,

they put your name
up on the wall,

and you get free
beer for a month.

Ah, do-over! Do-over!
Do-over!

Sweaty hands! I had sweaty
hands! That's a do-over!

It's a do-over!