According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 12 - Rules of Engagement - full transcript

Jim is puzzled when Cheryl apologizes to him in the morning, but he accepts the apology and decides to use it against her to get out of everything he does not want to do.


Check it out. I got a new
phone with a built-in camera.

Wow, that is pretty cool!

Ah. Isn't it?

We should take pictures of
our butts and send 'em to Dana.

Two minds, one
thought, my friend.

I'm bringing it tonight
to Cousin Sylvia's wedding.

Oh, right, another
boring family wedding.

Oh, no, come on.
It'll be fun.

Hey, we can take pictures
of our butts next to the cake

and then show people the
pictures while they're eating it.

Yeah, that's good for
the first hour. Then what?

Come on, man. Why do
you have so many cousins?

We're breeding folk, Jim.

Look at these hips.

Hey, Cheryl, wanna
see my new phone?


Hey, honey, I was thinking
about what I said last night,

and I kind of overreacted.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

That means a lot to me.


What was that all about?

I have no idea.

Did you guys have
a fight last night?

I didn't.

I mean, it seemed like
a pretty normal evening.

You know, we had
dinner, watched TV.

The girls did my hair.
We had a tea party.

I prayed for the boy
to get older.

It seemed pretty normal to me.

(SCOFFS) Well, aren't you gonna
ask Cheryl what that was about?

Yeah, right after I call the
IRS and beg for an audit.

Are you kidding me?
Think about it.

I had a fight with my wife,
I won, and she apologized,

and I don't even know
what happened.


That reminds me of the time
I found a dollar in an egg roll.


Yeah, rare moments.
Rare moments, my friend.


Okay, come on.
Take my picture.

Make sure you get my good side.


JIM: Oh, baby!

Hey, Andy, give me the
plans for that Nowak project.

Just a sec. I'm putting the finishing
touches on my wedding toast.

Hey, if my Cousin Sylvia
was a flower,

what kind would she be?

Oh, I don't know. What
kind of flower is fat?

Well, have you written
your toast yet?

I'm not gonna write a toast.

I don't even wanna go!

Jim, you have to write a toast.

It's family tradition.

The last person who
didn't write a toast

was Great-Uncle Alex.

Seven months later,
almost to the day,

they found him dead.

He was a 93-year-old
diabetic with a bad heart.

(CHUCKLING) All right,
if you wanna roll the dice.

I'll roll the dice.


Oh, hey, wanna see my new phone?

It's always gonna be no.

Cheryl, what are you doing?

I was still feeling bad
about last night,

so I made you a picnic.

A picnic?

Wow, roast beef sandwich,
cake, grape pop!

Hey, you got anything
in that basket for me?

No. I didn't hurt
your feelings.

Until now.


Anyway, honey, enjoy.

And again, I'm sorry.

Mmm. I love you.

I love you, too.

I mean, even with,
you know, everything.



How about that?

She thinks she owes me big.

Oh, you, my friend,
are sitting pretty.

Oh, yeah, I got a gimme
coming my way, a big one.

What kind of gimme
you gonna get?

Oh, I don't know.
I don't know.

Let me think. Let me
think. Let me think.

Oh! I got it!
I got it!

No. No, Jim.

You have to go to the wedding.

I'll be the only guy
at our table.

What about your cousin Carrie?

She's got a moustache.

Hello, my sweet things.

Hi, Daddy.
Where's Mommy?

In the living room.

What are you doing?

Tickling Kyle.

If we tickle him long
enough, he farts. Watch.

Do it, Kyle. Do it.
Come on.

Come on. Do it.

Okay, call me when it happens.

Oh, good. Hey, why don't
you jump in the shower?

I laid your suit out on the bed.

Yeah, the wedding.


Well, Cheryl,

I'm still feeling kind of
vulnerable from last night.

I feel like a raw nerve,
you know.

Not really in
a celebrating mood.

Jim, it's a family
wedding. You have to go.

Oh, and I want to
be there, I really do,

but you know,
weddings are about fun,

and I wouldn't want to ruin it
for, you know, Sylvia and Marlon.


(STAMMERING) I just need
to work this thing through.

Yeah. Jim, is there any chance
that you may be milking this

just a little bit to get
out of the wedding?

Cheryl, you know
what you said to me,

and you know how it hurt.

Okay, so, if you were me,

could you just
put on a smiley face

and pretend you were having fun?


that's you, Cheryl.

That's not me.

I guess I have a little
more integrity than that.

Look, honey, here.

Maybe it would help
you to just talk it through.

Oh, I've talked about it enough.

With who?


We talked about it all day.

And by the way, I told
him the whole story,

and he agrees with me.

You talked about it all day?

Yeah, we even had
some chamomile tea.


It helped. It was
nice. It was soothing.

It's a diuretic.
Did you know that?

That's good to know.

Well, just stay here and
do what you need to do.

(SIGHING) I suppose
that would be best.

Listen, tell Cousin Carrie
congratulations on the tractor pull.

Although Sylvia and I
had that falling-out

over Grandma Bea's
sterling-silver candlesticks,

which were supposed
to be mine...

Dana, sit down.

I'm totally, totally fine.

I'm just wondering why
someone who lives in a trailer...

Right? I mean, would want
sterling-silver candlesticks.

I mean, who you gonna
entertain? Oprah coming over?

Uh, I think what
Dana's trying to say

is may you and Mike have
one happy life together.

We love you.


So, Cheryl, you've been
really quiet all night.

What's going on with you?

I'm still bummed about
this whole Jim thing.

What'd you two
fight about, anyway?

I don't want to rehash
it again. Ask Andy.

Why would I know?

Jim said he told you
all about it.

Oh! (CHUCKLING) Right.

Yeah, I believe there
was some mention of it.

No, he said you talked
about it all day.


Oh, my God, I ate shellfish!

I have to rush myself
to the hospital!

One minute. Oh.

You're not allergic
to shellfish.

What are you hiding?

I'll never tell.

Well, you know, I guess
we can respect that.

Uh, thank you.


Hey, Andy,

do you feel my hand on
the top of your underwear?

Yes. Yes, I do.


Well, how would you feel if I
pulled it up over your head?


You wouldn't dare,
not in a public place.





All right! All right!


Jim doesn't even
remember the fight!

Ow! Oh!

He just said it to get
out of the wedding!

I hate myself.

This is the worst day
of my life.


Ooh, Bunny Hop.
That'll work it loose.


And to think you
made Jim a picnic.

Yeah, it's like a machine.

Food goes in, lies come out.


Well, I'll be at the gift table.


Well, Sylvia got
the candlesticks.

I'm gonna get me
a food processor.


Hey, Carrie.



ANNOUNCER ON TV: And now more of our
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon.

MAN: So, tell me something,

are you allergic
to natural fibers?


Yeah, touchdown! Yes!

Thanks, Andy.

Yeah, no problem.
Hey, Jim. Bye.

Wait, stick around. Why don't
you watch the game with me?

I mean, I don't know
what else is on,

because I've been watching
this particular game all day.


Jim, it's too bad
you missed the wedding.

They had an open bar.

Probably for the best. I would
have just gotten myself in trouble.

Yeah, well,
the night's still young.



Shin hose?

Yeah. Yeah. Shin Ho's.

Great Kung Pao.

Tomorrow afternoon, my treat.

Please don't
kick my ass. Bye.

Hey. How was
the wedding?

Oh, you know, it was great,
but I was miserable.

Yeah? I just kept going over

our argument again and again.

Well, the good news is
I worked through it.

So let's not talk
about it ever again.

Yeah. You know what would
really help me close the door on it?

If you could look me in the eye

and say, "Cheryl, it really
hurt me when you said..."

And then just repeat
the words I said last night.



There were so many.

And they're all so hurtful.

Just, you know, pick the
ones that hurt the most.

Unless, you don't
know what I said.

Shin Ho's!

Yeah, yeah, you bet shin ho's!

Shin ho's everything!

Shin ho's!

You have no idea what
that fight was about!

Oh, come on, you telling me I don't
remember what kind of conversation we had?

No, I have no clue
what that fight was about.

I can't believe I have
been beating myself up over

something you don't
even remember!

Just because I don't remember
doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

You have been lying to me since the
minute you left for work this morning.

Have I been lying,
or did I give you

the opportunity
to unload your guilt?

Think about that.

And you're welcome.

Thank you for letting
me beat myself up

for the last 10 hours.
Thanks a lot.

Okay, okay, I'm sensing a
trace of sarcasm in your voice.

So I'm guessing that
we're gonna have this fight

whether I like it or not, right?

Yeah, we are.

Okay. Well, I don't
wanna have this fight

until I know what the
fight was last night!

All right, all right.

Try to pay attention this time.

I was doing the dishes, and
you were sitting at the table.

Five letters.

"'Book 'em, ' blank."


Yeah, I don't know either.

Hey, honey, would you
hand me that plate?

Can you give me a kiss?

No plate, no kiss.

Kiss first, then plate.

If I come over there
to give you a kiss,

I can just get the plate myself.

Now you see what I'm going for.

Yeah, the plate is so heavy,
and the sink is so far away.

Well, I don't ask you
to do my job, do I?

Believe me, there are some
days I'd love to switch jobs with you.

Oh, yeah, well, let me know,

because I'll let you go
out and build buildings

while I sit around the house
and paint my toenails all day.

But not during the busy season

when you got to clean
out the lint trap in the dryer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute!

No, let me finish!

No, no! There's no
finishing here! What?

That wasn't a fight!
I was just joking! Oh!

Come on, we were
bantering back and forth

like those gay guys
do on that show,

which I've never seen.

Yeah, but then
you took it too far!

I didn't take it anywhere!

Because I was kidding!

Wait a minute, let's discuss
the rules of engagement here.

The what?
Rules of engagement.

You see, a fight isn't official

unless both people
know you're having it.

Come on. That's why they plan
boxing matches so far in advance.

They don't just lure some
poor sucker into a casino

and beat his brains out.

Look, I am not
gonna be responsible

for something I said in a fight

that I didn't even
know we were having.

So what? So, you
get a free pass

for manipulating my feelings
and blowing off the wedding?

(LAUGHS) Oh, come on,
honey. This isn't free.

The last two minutes
haven't been a vacation.

Come on.

All right, fine, but if we
never had the argument,

I never should have apologized,

so I take it back.

Okay, that's your right under
the rules of engagement.



So we're done.

Oh, wait a minute!
Hold the phone here!

How dare you?


I just remembered
why you were apologizing!

Because I'll let you go
out and build buildings

while I sit around the house
and paint my toenails all day.

But not during the busy season

when you got to clean
out the lint trap in the dryer.


Oh, no, I'm busy all the time,

wondering why I married
such an idiot.

Yeah, well, this idiot
just got 32-down.

"Book 'em... Rondo."

You called me an idiot!

I thought you were kidding,
but you were serious.

Yeah, yeah, I was,

and that "rondo" thing
just backs me up.


You just called me
an idiot again!

That's not once,
that's not twice, but...

Okay, it was twice.

No, no, no, I want
my apology back.

You apologize for what you said!

(IMITATING JIM) "All you do is sit
around all day and paint your toenails."

Is that supposed to be me?

No, it could be any idiot.

Three! You just called me
an idiot three times! Well...

Come on!
Besides, I was joking!

Rules of engagement,

you can say whatever you want,
as long as you're just kidding.

Oh, that's right. So that's
what we do around here.

We kid, so we can
get a million laughs,

and nobody's feelings
ever get hurt.

Well, that's just great.

You know, I'm gonna go upstairs,
and I'm gonna paint my toenails,

because apparently, that's
all I ever do around here!

I know that tone.

We're still having a fight.



Dana, what's with your sister?

Well, she has
self-esteem issues,

so she clearly picked a guy

whose failings make her
feel better about herself.


Then why is she all mad at me?

Jim, you blew off the wedding.

Oh, I've done that
before. That's not it.

(SIGHS) Well, I don't know,
but she's still upset,

so there must be
something else going on.

Like what?

Well, I don't know.

God, if only there was just
some magical way of finding out.

Here's a thought.

Go ask her.

Any other thoughts?

Look, Jim, she's hurt.

And she's a woman, which
means she needs to process,

and whether you like it or
not, you need to be there.


Kind of like jury duty, huh?

Yeah, except this time,
you can't get out of it

by showing up
without your pants.

Here. Let me
give you a hand.


Oh, come on, I'm not
gonna come on to you.

I just want to help.

Although if you
give me the signal,

I can switch gears like that.

I can get it.


I'm just here
to help you process.


Oh, you're only here
'cause Dana sent you.

No, no, I also came up...

If you don't use the bathroom,
my favorite crossword's in there.

Oh, come on, Cheryl.

Are we gonna be Mr. and
Mrs. Serious from now on?

I mean, watch C-Span all day

and look up words
in the dictionary?

No, we don't have to be
serious all the time.

Well, then, what?
What's going on?

I don't know. Maybe I just don't
wanna be the butt of everyone's jokes.

Everybody? Who's
everybody? Andy and Dana?

They're out. I'll change
the locks on the house.

No, no.

It's not Andy and Dana.

Well, then, who else is there?

All we got left are the girls.


You know what?

It's the girls.

Then don't be mad at me!
Let's go wake them up,

tell them they can't
watch TV for a week,

and hit the sack.

No, I'm still mad at you,
but it's because of the girls.

Girls, I need you to clean up the
mess you made in the living room.

Can't you do it, Mommy?

No, I'm busy.

You're not busy. You just paint
your toes and eat bonbons all day.

Yeah, and Daddy
brings home the bacon.

Are you saying
they got that from me?

Yeah, along with Ruby's snoring
and Gracie's fear of hoboes.

Oh, come on.

When did this happen?

A few days ago.

Well, why didn't you tell me
when it happened?

You weren't around,
and then life takes over.

Jim, I didn't even realize how
much it upset me till right now.

Oh, so, you needed
time to process.

Yeah, don't make me
hate that word.

I was just teasing you, honey.

Don't stop me from teasing you.

I know. Honey, look,

I love it when you
tease me, I do,

but you've got to be
careful in front of the girls.

It's hard to do.

I mean, they're around all
the time, and I'm always funny.

Yes, honey, you're always funny.

I am, aren't I?

Honey, you know, the
girls just don't get sarcasm.

Well, maybe we should
send them to a different school.

No, honey. No.

Why don't they get it?

They're just too young
to understand it,

so when you tease me
about being lazy,

the girls think it's true.

Yeah. Honey, come on.

Jim, I really, really want them

to value what I do around here.

And what exactly is that?

Aw, come on!
Come on!



All right, I get it.

I didn't realize the girls didn't
understand that kind of humor.


I'll watch what I say
in front of them.

Aw, thank you.

You're welcome.

You may now help me
with my dress.


Wow, this is nice.
Thank you.

Nice material.
Thank you.

You know what you should do?

You should put tissues
on your hangers

so it doesn't get all
bulgy here in the shoulder.

Where did you learn that?

Uh, football.

At halftime, they
give tips, you know.