According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Empty Gesture - full transcript

Cheryl climbs the roof to get the tablecloth Jim tied there for a Halloween. When she is stuck on the roof and no one notices she is missing, she realizes she is taken for granted. Jim says he will make Thanksgiving dinner but the...

Yes, she does.

No, she doesn't.



Who do you love more,
me or Ruby?

You're both my little angels,
and I love you both the same.

Hey, girls.

Daddy, who do
you love more,
me or Gracie?


Which one of you
is gonna get me
a big bowl of chips?

I will! I will!

And a beer.

Me! Me!

Then I love you
both the same.


JIM: Oh, baby!

MAN ON TV: And there he is,
riding in his sleigh
full of toys,

pulled by eight
tiny reindeer...

Look, it's
Santa Claus!


It means it's officially
the end of the
Thanksgiving Day Parade.

And you know
what that means?

Christmas is coming!



It means five minutes
to football!





You guys, I'm looking
for our good tablecloth.

Has anybody seen it?

Let me answer
that question
with a question.

We have
a good tablecloth?

Look, Mommy,
we're making
a family collage

of all our
Thanksgivings ever.

Oh, that is
so sweet!

Oh, there's Uncle Andy,
and there's Daddy

and Aunt Dana.

Okay, where am I?

There aren't any
pictures of you.

Just this one
where you're crying.

The year Uncle Andy
sat on the turkey.

I slipped on the stuffing
when Dana pushed me.

After Jim
threw yams at me.

And that's why
on Thanksgiving

we only have soft
drinks before dinner.

Yeah, you're a bummer.
You're a bummer, girl.


Guys, I've got to
find that tablecloth.

I usually keep it
in that cabinet.

It has gray piping
and lace.

Oh, that one?

I used that for
the Halloween ghost
up on the roof.

What? That's
our good tablecloth?

Well, excuse me for
trying to up our status
in the neighborhood.

I'd rather you just
put on pants

when you went
to get the paper.

Hey, you don't want
to see the show,

don't go to
the theater.

Look, can you
go up there and
get it for me?

Yeah, I'd be glad to.
At halftime.

Remind me,
okay, Andy?

No, no, Jim, now.
I need to wash it.

Hey, Jim, look,
the turducken.

Oh, my God,
look at that.

A chicken stuffed
inside a duck
inside of a turkey.

I mean, if God
could have been
that creative.

Hey, Cheryl,
you've got to make
one of those for us.

I'll get right on that.

Hey, Cheryl, do
you need any help
in the kitchen?

Yes, actually.

Oh, here comes
the kickoff.

All right, well,
let me know if you
change your mind.


I have to do
everything around here.

"Why don't you make
a turducken, Cheryl?

"Shove a duck
inside the turkey."

Yeah. I know
where I'd like
to shove a duck.



Oh, damn!






Oh, Jim!


Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah!


...578, 579...

Wow. A lot of
shingles up here.

(SIGHS) Where was I?

One, two...

ANNOUNCER: 55-yard line.

Come on. Come on.

The kick is up.





What happened?

Ah, it's that
stupid dish!

Well, what do
you expect?

You bought it at
a yard sale for $3!

I'll have you know the price
included a large bottle
of vitamins for the girls.


You know,
I hate to even think
something like this,

but you think this is
the year the turkeys
fight back?

JIM: What?

Daddy, it's Santa!

Honey, it's Thanksgiving.
Think it through.


Oh, my God!
They know your name.

Oh, calm down.
Come on!


You want some more tea,
warm you up?

No. No, thank you, honey.

I've got my rage
to keep me warm.

And that cute little
button nose of yours.

Where was all this attention
when I was stuck on the roof
for 45 minutes?

Well, the satellite dish
hadn't gone out yet.


Oh, come on, I'm joking.
I'm trying to heal
through laughter here.

Was the message
of Patch Adams
completely lost on you?

Come on,
lighten up.

You know,

when a person is stuck
on a freezing cold roof,
she gets to thinking.


You know why I'm not
in any of those pictures?

Because I'm always stuck
in here in the kitchen,

and dinner's practically
over by the time
I make it out there

for the last piece
of cold turkey and
one glass of wine.


I'm serious.
This happens
every holiday.

You do nothing,
and I work my butt off.

We each do
what we do best.

Come on.
That's the tradition.

Yeah, well, maybe
it's time for a change.

What are you talking about?
You can't change tradition.

I mean, what's
Fourth of July

without setting off
cherry bombs?

What's Halloween
off cherry bombs?

All I know is
this holiday's
supposed to be

about giving thanks,
and nobody bothers
to thank me.

Where is this
all coming from?

Are they filling
your head full of stuff
at the beauty parlor?


Hold your applause.
I just saved Thanksgiving.

The dish is fixed,
and the game's back on.

Ah, good man!

And now we're getting
the Spanish feed.

The Leones are up by
siete and los Packers
are at mediocampo.

Yeah, um, we're gonna
need fresh cranberries.

These aren't going
to get it done.


Oh, hey, since you're
going to the store,

can you hit the ATM?
I could use some cash.

And a loan.

Wait, wait!
Did it ever occur
to you guys

that you could
do any of this
stuff yourselves?

No, no, because you
just expect me to do it.

Well, I'm sick of it!

Hey, how about,
"Thanks for fixing
the satellite, Andy"?


All right, all right,
hold on a second.

You know what?
Cheryl has a point here.

I'll tell you what.

You take the rest
of the day off.

We'll do everything else.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, no, new tradition.

We'll cook everything

while you sit
on your fat ass.

That came out...
That came out...

That was so wrong,
what I just said.

Listen, you know
what it really is?

You won't have
to lift a finger.



Come on.

A holiday
where I don't
have to work?


Don't know
what I'd do.

Well, the first thing
you do is get
out of here, okay?

Second thing is you
pour into that bathtub

whatever it is
that makes you
so damn soft.

Yeah, but...

No, no, no.
Go on. Go on.

Have fun.

We love you.
You're the best.

Don't worry about us.


Are you out of
your freakin' mind?


We're gonna
cook dinner?

What are we gonna have,
oatmeal and beer?

Just relax.
Relax, okay?

Nobody's going to
do any cooking here.

The only thing
we're making is
the empty gesture.

An empty gesture?

An empty gesture.

You guys,
okay, you know,

the turkey has
to cook 20 minutes
for every pound,

and if you don't
cook it right,

we're all gonna
get sick and die.

I know. I know.
I know.

And Kyle only
eats waffles.

I got it. I got it.
Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on.
Get in that bathtub, girl.

Yay, Cheryl!


You see that?

She is such a control freak
about the holiday dinners.

She'll be down here
before you know it to
take over everything.

But since we heard
her feelings,

we made the offer,
we made the gesture...

Ah! We get the credit,
but we ain't got
to do the work.

Oh, no, wait.
You guys, I don't
feel right about this.

Fine. You pull the guts
out of the turkey.

I'm over it.

What are you doing?

I'm making a mess,

so Cheryl thinks
we're doing a terrible job

so she'll come down
and take over.

I cover this in my
empty gesture seminar.

I'd like to take that.


Not at all.

See? I'm a quick learner.

Very good.
Very good.


All right, Cheryl's
lying in bed, reading
a chick magazine.

Oh, great.

There's another
relationship quiz
I'm gonna fail.

Okay, okay,
so, what's next?

Okay, what we do now
is we wait for her
to come down,

see what
a terrible decision

it was for her
to let us do this,
and she'll take over.

Okay, so how do we
get her down here?


Hey, guys, come on.
Let's make the turkey now!

Oh, yeah, let's put
the oven up to 500.

It'll cook
in no time.



Sorry, I coughed on it!

Ah, don't worry.
We'll just wipe it off.

Cheryl will never know!

All right, all right,
all right, all right,
all right, all right,

all right, all right!
All right, come on.

All right,
the trap is set.

Let's wait
for the mouse.


Hey, if this works,
we can make it
to the park

in time for the
touch football game.

Andy, "when it works."

Hey, girls, you want to go
to the park with Daddy

and watch him play
some football?


Wow, that kind of attitude
with Christmas just
being a month away...

Are you sure you want
to play it like that?

Good. Good boy.

You better hustle,
too, Kyle.


Shh! I heard something!

Wait, wait.

She's in the kitchen.


The trap has sprung!

Now all I need to do
is to pry that bar
off her lifeless body...

I'll just go check,
see how she's doing.

Honey, honey.

Sweetie, sweetie.


How are you doing?


You need any help?

No, I'm fine.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm good.

I knew you would be.

I love you, honey.

Oh, I love you, too,


So, let's go play
some football.

You sure Cheryl's
cool with it?

She took the turkey
out of the refrigerator,

and she said twice
that she didn't
need my help,

and also, she
called me "honey."

I bow to the master.

I can't find
my mittens.

That's okay, honey.
You can hold
Daddy's coffee.

Come on, girls.

Honey... Oh! Honey.

Way to go, girls.
Way to hold it.

Now go inside and
go to the bathroom.
Come on.

Why couldn't we
use the bathroom
at the park?

Because you're old enough
to read the bad words now.

Go on.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Just a minute
to enjoy the smell
of Cheryl's turkey.


I don't smell turkey.
I only smell you two.



She didn't do
a damn thing!

Dana, go see
if Cheryl's okay.



You said she was going to
put the turkey in the oven.

I know.

But she didn't.

I know.

So you were wrong.

I know!

She's sound asleep!


What are we going to do?
There's no dinner!

We listened to you,
and now we're
gonna get it!

Just relax.
Relax, will you?

We got a whole hour
before dinner.

Have you lost your mind?

You can't cook
a 20-pound bird
in an hour!

Oh, you've ruined

And I'm an accomplice.
Have a good life.

Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it right there!


You're not
going anywhere.

Look, nobody
needs to get wet.

All we have to do
is call up a restaurant

and get takeout.

It's Thanksgiving.

take their orders
weeks in advance.

You're not going
to find turkey or
trimmings anywhere!

Well, I don't hear
anything better

coming out
of your pie hole!

Well, looks we all have
something in common

with the pilgrims,
'cause we're dead!

All right,
all right!
Hold it!

Ye of little faith,

I can fix it.

I know where we can
go to get exactly
what we need.

Oh, happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, thank you.

Look at this
beautiful family.

Thank you.

Oh, if your wife
wants to take the
children over there,

we have a table
where they can color.

Oh, we're not married.

We don't judge.

No, but I do, and I don't
want anyone thinking
I'm married to him.

Please, take a plate.
Help yourselves.


Don't mind if I do.

Thank you.

Canned cranberries?

Doesn't anyone
make fresh anymore?

Andy, stop it.

Well, look!

Stop it!

Listen, Sister, um,
actually, we're here
to make a donation.

According to the letters
that I keep getting
from you guys,

four bucks buys a meal
for the needy, right?

Yes, that's correct.

Well, we would
like to give you
enough for 20 meals.

Oh, bless you.

And we'll take
seven to go.

What? This isn't
a restaurant.

No kidding.
The location's terrible.

There's a crack house
right down the street.

Okay, listen.

I didn't want to have
to come to this,

but I'm pretty tight
with the health department.

I got a fake mouse
in my pocket.


In one call,
I could have this
place shut down!

Oh, you are
blocking the line!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Move! Move with
your fake mouse!

Move! Move!

What the hell?


That was a tough
little penguin, huh?

Hey, if you
want some food,
I'll sell you mine.

I can just get
another plate.


Yeah, and, uh,
I'll talk to some
of my buddies,

and if you got enough money,
you can get all you want.

Deal. Deal.
That sounds great.

What's your name?

Barbra Streisand.


You should be more
like Barbra Streisand.

He finds solutions,
not problems.

Nice job holding on
to the food, Andy.

Don't blame me.
You're the one that
slammed on the brakes!

She screamed, "Squirrel,"
and grabbed me!

Well, it darted out,
and it looked pregnant.

It was a paper bag!

All right, we're just
going to tell Cheryl

that there's no
Thanksgiving because...

She slept
all the way through it!

Everyone onboard?
It's Friday.


I bet there's
a story with that.

Yes, there is.

Does it involve pirates?

It could.


All right, kids,
let's go.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?

Well, I took it
for granted

that you would
take me for granted,

so while you were
giving me the day off,

I made
a dinner reservation
at The Whitsett.


Oh, Cheryl.
The Whitsett,
that's perfect!

All right,
give us 10 minutes
to get cleaned up.

Yeah, you know,
I can give you all day,

'cause I just
made a reservation
for me and the kids.

So, you girls ready
for some turkey?

Mommy, I met
Barbra Streisand.

He's really tall.

This isn't happening!

No. No, it isn't.

I know that woman.

This is
the Cherylized version
of the empty gesture.

It's called
The Harmless Threat.



She started the car.

It's a bluff!

Down the driveway.

She'll be back!

And there she goes!

Nice try, Cheryl,

but that reservation
at the restaurant
is for all of us,

and she won't
start eating
till we get there.

(SIGHS) Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Hi. Could you please...


Can't believe it.

Yeah. Fresh cranberry
sauce at every table.

I wish I had
someone else
to blame for this.

But it's just you two!



If you'd just gotten
that tablecloth
off the roof,

we wouldn't
even be here.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd be
on the couch right now,

my pants open,
sick to my stomach,

and eating
pumpkin pie.

I wouldn't even
be wearing pants.


Okay, trying
to prove a point

wasn't as much fun
as I thought it would be.

Does this mean
we can come in and eat?


That's a yes. Go!



You coming?


In a second.

You know, I got
to tell you, Cheryl,

that was really weird.


Well, just staring
at you through
the window there.

You're sitting
at that table
with all the kids

without me.


Yeah, it was
just kinda...

I got this feeling
that, you know,

I was, uh...


Yeah, I felt lonely.

Yeah. Well, honey,
that's how I feel
every Thanksgiving.

I spend the day alone.

I mean, I hear
laughter coming
from the other room.

I don't know
what it's about.

I spend an hour
up on the roof,

and nobody notices.

Forty-five minutes.
Don't milk it.


Come here.

Come on, if you're
in the kitchen and
you're feeling lonely,

I got a crazy idea.

Why don't you come
in the living room?

I can't cook dinner
from the living room,

even with those
giant extendable
forks you got me.

Ah, the best
anniversary gift ever.


Don't even
argue with me.

Jim, come on!

Okay, okay,
Cheryl. Cheryl.

Cheryl, come on.

Come on.
It's Thanksgiving.

I don't want you
to feel unappreciated.

I don't want you
to feel lonely.

But you've got to cook.

I mean,
it's Thanksgiving.

I mean, what's
Thanksgiving without
your lumpy gravy?


Well, okay,
how about this?

What if you guys
bring the small TV
into the kitchen

and watch football
while I cook?

Big TV.

Will you talk to me?


And halftime.



Honey, you know what?


Next year, I really
want to be in some
of the pictures.

Why wait till
next year? Here.


You and me.

Say, "Happy Thanksgiving."