30 Rock (2006–2013): Season 6, Episode 1 - 30 Rock - full transcript

As everyone returns from holiday break, NBC's new talent competition, "America's Kidz Got Singing", is a hit, but Jenna's role as the judge everyone loves to hate causes Jack to question the show's family value. Much to his chagrin, Tracy's usual antics fail to aggravate Liz, while Kenneth takes the day off to do his dream chores as he awaits the Rapture.

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♪ ... Brave♪

Jason, I really like your look.

You had it poppin' tonight.

I totally disagree.

Because I love your look.

You're a star.

Believe in your dreams.

- Thank you.
- Jason,

have you ever put out a cigar
on Gilbert Gottfried's neck?

Because I have, and his screams

were the worst thing
I'd ever heard.

Until tonight.

you're a disgrace.

♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee,
shoo-bee-doo-bee-doobee ♪

♪ shoo-bee-doo-bee.

Ah! I rolled my ankle. God!

Also, Jason, if you think
you're passing for straight,

you're embarrassing yourself.

17 million people watched
that show last night.

Not me. I've got
better things to do

than watch Jenna
humiliate children.

So you don't care that Shayla
made it to the next round?

- How? She is so pitchy.
- What can I tell you?

The audience just loves
Shayla's personal story.

Did you know that both her
mothers are serial killers?

That's America.

♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee,
shoo-bee-doo-bee-doobee ♪

So, did you miss me
over the break?

Of course. A little less than
my kidnapped wife,

but I did get
a nice Christmas card

from Avery
and Kim Jong-Un.

At least I had some
quality time with Liddy.

She's like a little
human tumbler of scotch.

You turning soft on me,

If you want, I can recommend
a good gynecologist.

You know, 'cause
I really like my guy.

He's sort of
a doogie howser type.

But younger.

Aren't you going
to ask me how my...

No. I know exactly
how your holidays were.

You took the train
to your parents' house.

about who puts the star
on top of the tree.

It was my year!

What, lupus lets you
just cut the line?

You received two sweaters
that you didn't really like

and got your dad a book on world
war ii that he already owned.

Wow, you really think you know
everything about me, don't you?

Yes, after six years
I really do.

Well, I will have you know

that there are
aspects of my life

about which you know nothing.

Take off that jacket.

If you're not wearing
one of those Christmas sweaters

out of guilt,
I'll give you $1,000.

Wrong, Jack.
'Cause they weren't sweaters.

They were Dickies!

Happy 2012!

Good morning,
Mr. Rossitano.

I'm sorry you're going to hell.

That's okay.
How was your break?


Reverend Gary did the
math, and guess what?

The world is ending tomorrow!

And you're happy about that?

Oh, of course.
I get to go to heaven

and receive my reward!

72 virgin margaritas,
hold the salt.

Oh, I'm sorry I won't be seeing
you in heaven, Mr. Spurlock.

But on the bright side,
black hell does have a jukebox.

So you think this is
your last day on Earth.

Well, I'll leave
the thinking to other religions.

Well, you must have things
you want to do before you die.

Is the sky blue?

Until tomorrow,
when it will be on fire.

Then you should go and do them.

I came across
the following quote

on the side of
a tampon box this Christmas.

"Work like you don't
need the money.

"Love like
you've never been hurt.

"Dance like nobody's watching.

Enjoy these
satchel Paige brand tampons."

You know what miss Lemon?
I will do that.

Thank you.

You're just giving him
the day off?

That's awfully nice.

I'm a nice person.

Because I'm a happy person.

My happiness makes me nice.

Also, maybe I'm in a good mood

because I'm not being weighed
down by redundant torso fabric.

- What does that mean?
- Wouldn't you like to know?

Amazing news, Liz.

I made the People
magazine crossword.

One across, five letters,

"Jenna Maroney's first name".


Because of
America's kidz got singing,

I am blowing up.

When you Google "Jenna Maroney"
now, I come up first.

Not the Jenna Maroney who
electrocuted all those horses.

Jenna, that was you.

Anyway, I'll be back for
rehearsal after I tape the show.

Talent walking!

This has nothing to do
with Jenna's success

that I'm jealous of,

but if that yellow-haired
bag of teeth

keeps me waiting for rehearsal,

I will set
my dressing room on fire.

Okay, first of all, Tracy,
you know you're the real star.

Huh. You know what?

I'm not doing this.

- But I'm acting out.
- Right.

And I know it'll all
blow over eventually,

and so I'm just going to skip
the exhausting middle part.

But you're supposed
to control me.

You're Liz Lemon.
That's what you do!

You're a 42-year-old man.

No, I'm not.

I took a real age test.
It said I'm dead.

Hey, I was just
going to call you.

You wanna watch
today's Kidz taping?

We're kicking off
"Public domain week".

This week, America's kids
sing really old songs

that everyone knows
and NBC doesn't have to pay for.

- It's brilliant.
- Wow, more money.

This thing's a real cash cow.

Unlike cash cow, the failed NBC
spin-off of cash cab.

You try riding a cow through
midtown Manhattan, Lemon.

The animal will panic.

Right. Anyway, I was
just going to call you

because I'm wondering
why I received an email

confirming my membership
in a dating service

Because after 6 years,
I know you're depressed

after spending
the holidays alone.

I'm not depressed, Jack.

And I don't need some
dumb dating website.

What if I told you
your first match

burned his groin off in
an accident at his cake shop.

- No. Not interested.
- Five minutes.

Show's getting started.
I'd better get in there.

I'll see you soon.

Five minutes to tape, everyone.

Die, you blonde bitch!

Thank you.

♪ Turkey in the straw,
Turkey in the hay ♪

♪ Turkey in the straw,
Turkey in the hay ♪

♪ roll 'em up and...♪

Is that your daughter?
She's adorable.

She's my angel.

Her name's Liddy.

Oh. Ha. That's odd,
because my daughter's name...

I'm going to interrupt you
right there, Liddy.

Terrible song selection.
You were sharp.

And I'm about
to get raw with you.

You're weird looking, Liddy.

Even if you could sing,

with that face it would be like

eating a steak that
just came out of a dumpster.

- I've done that.
- Here's my advice, Liddy.

Go work on your presentation.

Take voice lessons.
Then seal yourself in a barrel,

and fall off of the waterfall.

You leave Liddy alone!

I need it quiet
to record my catchphrase.

Sebastian, I'm going
to give you a few options.

- Love it, Jenna! Go.
- Is this your show?

Liddy, go jump
back up your mother.

Liddy, go jump
back up your mother.

Go jump back up
your mother, Liddy.

Yeah, I like
the third one for me,

and her crying
on the second one.

I love it.
Brilliant, Jenna.

Hello, Mr. Hornberger.

Kenneth, what are you doing?

Sir, this chiquita banana
sticker had been stuck

to that ceiling for years.

So I finally scraped it off.

No, listen. You can do
whatever you want today.

I know!
Isn't it great?

I'm finally doing
my dream chores.

Give me that.

"Scrape sticker off ceiling,

"fix that humming noise
only I can hear,

organize snack table
by food jewishness..."

Kenneth, this stuff
isn't even your job.

That's why
they're dream chores.

Look, if it was
my last day on Earth

I wouldn't be here,
I'd be with Paula,

admitting I'm in love
with her twin sister.

Kenneth, we were
just out on the Plaza,

and four flaming
horses rode by.

Reverend Gary says

super-gay horses are one of
the signs of the apocalypse.

The end is nigh.

You should raise your hopes up
even higher than they are now.

I will.
I did!

We have a problem, Liz Lemon.

I just remembered,

I started a camp
for underprivileged kids

last summer.

We have to drive upstate to see
if any of them are still alive.

That sounds like
a Tracy problem, Tracy.

Okay, how about this?
I'm changing my name.

From now on everyone
has to address me as

"the gentleman formerly
known as rectum."

Pay attention to me, L.L,

or else I'm going to do
something self-destructive.

I just got an
honorary sheriff's badge,

and I'm going to start
making real arrests.

- Great.
- I just realized,

I haven't paid taxes
in 30 years.

Oh, we're not doing
the pre-tape tonight

because I'm leaving
at 6:00.

What's going on with you?
Why are you acting so weird?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You're not doing your job.

You're laughing at rectum jokes,

you're leaving early.
Did we switch brains?

Why am I not
feeling your boobs?

What is happening!?


We need to talk about Kidz.

Did you see
last night's ratings?

The only show I've ever
been on that got a 10.2

was when Mickey Rourke
threw me onto the field

during the super bowl.

Obviously I'm thrilled
about the show's success,

but I wanted to talk to you
about your...onscreen persona.

- I had an idea...
- B.B. Gun.

Actually, I think the mean
thing may have run its course.

What if you went the other way,
and you were nice to the kids?

Well, no.

I mean, being the nice one
is McEnroe's thing.

Ah, yes, well, we've done
some focus testing, and frankly

I haven't seen such
a unanimously negative response

since the Frasier
spin-off, hey, Roz.

Jenna, they hate you.

No, Jack.
They love to hate me.

Kidz is minting money
for both of us.

And what's more
important than money?

Well, perhaps we could make
even more money

by pretending to be nice.

I mean, look at Betty White.

End of discussion.
Just ease off on the kids.

Look, according to Tracy,

people are switching minds
around here.

That's obviously
what's happened.

So whoever you are,
show me Jack's penis.

That's for you.

Damn, I've got to get
more of these.

I don't know what this is,

but I like it.
Ha, finally.

After 6 years,
I've cheered up miss Lemon.

That was on your list?

I'm not always in a bad mood.
And I happen to be

in a really good
place right now.

Well, enjoy it while you can,

because tomorrow,
you're going to women's hell.

Uh, also, FYI,
women's hell is the same as

aroused dog heaven.

Why are you still here?
This is your last day on Earth.

There's so much
you haven't done.

Oh, sir, I've done plenty.

Oh, really?
Have you ever been in love?

Only while playing tennis.

I'm kidding.
I've never played tennis.

Have you ever been
in an airplane?

Well, does falling off
a bridge in a horse cart count?

Have you ever stood on a beach
and watched the sun rise?

Sir, I've never
even seen the ocean.

Kenneth, that's insane.

We were all put on this crazy
blue marble for a reason...

- To love, and live.
- What is going on with you?

Everyone's talking about
how weird you're acting.

- What are you on?
- You know what?

I have seen the ocean
on a can of tuna.

Newsflash, Kenneth!
Everybody get down!

It's not going to happen.
The world's not ending.

Oh, the rapture
is happening, sir.

Mr. Rossitano
said he saw the snakes

making peace with the mice.

You're like a child.
He's messing with you.

And you know what?

In the words of my father,
"you deserve to be disappointed.

Merry Christmas."

Can I talk to you, Jennifer?

Tracy, how do
nice people dress?

Socks on their hands,
no belt, roller skates.

Do you think Liz Lemon
has been acting weird lately?

She's hiding something from us.

Like what?
A present? For me?

Can I return it for cash?

No, this is bigger than that.

Something like
a sex-change operation

or a secret pregnancy
or a radioactive spider bite.

I've got to get
her focus back on me,

or who knows the dumb stuff
I'm going to start doing?

Is that why you're
not wearing pants right now?

Yes! I'm actually
glad this happened.

You're proving my point.

Look, if you think
something's going on with Liz,

just follow her.

Steal her mail,
go through her trash.

That's what Paul and I
do to maintain intimacy

when he's having his period.

Thanks J-Mo.
Great advice.



♪ yes, I know the muffin man ♪

♪ he lives on♪

♪ drury lane♪


You're the wind
beneath my wings.


I...like what you did.

That was good singing.

You don't have
a little rat face,

you opposite of a turd
with eyes.

Why are you messing with
perfection, Jack?

You need to remember that
reality television is formulaic

before you get us canceled.

Because I will not go back

to putting
hair extensions on dogs.

Easy, d'Fwan.

Yeah, we have a problem,

but we're going
to get through it,

'cause we're family.

It's not working.
You're ruining the show.

You think I don't know
that it's not working, Jenna.

Next week Jay-Z was
going to do a duet

with one of the spinning
chairs from the Voice,

and the chair just pulled out.

You're off the leash, Jenna.

Did you see what happened here?

We turned an argument
into an opportunity

to become better friends.


I'll see you in
heaven, Mr. Jordan.

Ken, I only have room
in my brain for one problem,

so I'm not really absorbing
what you're saying.

I have to go through Liz Lemon's
trash before she gets in.

You're at work
before miss Lemon?

Now, that's a sign
of the apocalypse.

Time to die.

You know what Emma?
That was pretty good.

You were trying to get me
to commit suicide, right?

Liddy, thank you for coming in.

I know you have to read
your books with sleepy bear

in half an hour,
so I'll make this brief.

You're almost one now,
and you have to understand

the way the world works.

Now, I don't know if you've seen
America's kidz got singing,

but it's a hit.

Variety called it "Boffo,"

and they don't throw
that word around lightly.

However, there are large
portions of the show

that feature Jenna
insulting children

not much older than yourself.

I know what you're thinking...

"Do you really care
about the bottom line

"more than the feelings of
helpless innocents?

That's cruel."
Well, guess what Liddy.

Life is cruel.

Sometimes in business,
there's collateral damage.

And if you think
I'm going to turn my back

on a 10.2/4.2 in the demo
just because I feel bad...

Just because those kids had the
same scared look on their faces

that you had when that dog

got too close to your stroller
in the park.

And yes, being a parent

is like wearing your heart
outside your body.

And I don't want you
to know that the world

is really a scary,
disappointing place.

You shouldn't have
to know that, not yet.

Oh, God.

I have to cancel the show.

What are you doing, Liddy?

Are you touching my hand
because...you're a baby

and you're developing
your fine motor skills?

Or are you trying
to tell me something?

What are you trying to tell me?


Did you say "money"?

Is that your
first word... money?


Yes, money.

Are you telling me
that money's more important

than doing what's right?

That I should keep on
doing the show?

I want mommy.

I want money too!

Oh, thank you, Liddy.

Thank you for convincing me
to do the right thing.


Hey, think how disappointed
I am.

I mean, I'm the...

I'm the one who had to
nude-baptize all those teens.

Hey, buddy.

Are you here
to make fun of me, sir?

Well go ahead, make fun of
the super-handsome guy

who believed too much.

I don't
want to make fun of you.

I know you're disappointed.

I just wish I had a magic wand

- to make it all... gah!
- Ah, Kenneth,

it's all real.
The beast is here.

Aah! Redire ad abyssum!

Princeps tenebrarum!

Ow! It's me, Lutz.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.


Toofer. Frank.
Get out here.

You three
are in a time-out.

Everybody in the van!

Liz Lemon is a crack whore.

Probably not, but continue.

It's the only explanation.

She's on a ho stroll
to pay for her drug habit.

I followed her
last night, J.D.

She went down to Penn Station.

And not the fun stationery store
up on the Upper East Side.

The skeezy one with trains.

Well, there has to be
some other explanation.

Are you sure it was Liz Lemon

and not present day
Sally Field?

I know it's crazy.

But ever since
we got back from Kwanzaa...

She's been acting all weird.

All relaxed and not angry.

Well, it has been two days,

and she hasn't once
stormed in here

carping about how
all the destructive hurricanes

get female names.

But it can't be drugs.

Then how come
I found this in her trash?

Oh, Tracy, this is dexoprex.

My mother takes it
for joint pain.

Her wrist was starting to bother
her from slapping busboys.

So it's not the Bandito Bianco?

A name for cocaine
I just made up?

I know Liz Lemon
better than she knows herself.

Why would she need
joint pain medication?

And why would she be
meeting people down by...


What building is right
next to Penn Station?

The Manhattan center
for penis enlargement?

I know because
my friend goes there.

His name is Tracy.

Madison Square Garden.

Did you know that
Lemon attended college

on a partial
jazz dance scholarship?

And do you know
what event was held

last night at
Madison Square Garden?

A crack whore convention?

No. Worse.

♪ Every person dance soon ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

the WNBA's most popular
dance team,

"the Timeless Torches."

♪ Dancing Torches dance soon ♪

Oh, God!
So much grapevining!

It's so beautiful.

A mermaid!

Dude, those are diapers.

So that's why you've been so
happy and distracted lately.

The joy of movement, exercise,
10% off arena snacks

with your torch card.

And who figured
the whole thing out?

The man who knows me better
than I know myself.

Pull over here, please.
This is me.

Ah, going to the movies.

You're going
alone, to the 9:10 showing

of Garry Marshall's
New Year's Eve.

You've waited
five weeks to see it,

to make sure that
you wouldn't contribute

to it being the number one
movie in America.

You'll say you're
seeing it ironically,

and yet you'll tear up
when Ashton Kutcher

- kisses Lea Michele.
- You know me.

I love it when the swarthy girl
gets the guy.

♪ The Camptown ladies

♪ sing this song

♪ doo-dah

♪ doo-dah

♪ the Camptown racetrack's

♪ five miles long

♪ oh, doo dah day

♪ gonna run all night

♪ gonna run all day.

♪ I bet my money

♪ on a bobtail nag

♪ somebody bet on the bay ♪

♪ somebody, somebody

♪ somebody bet on the bay.

A disgusting disappointment.

My name is Bob.
I'm 61 years old.

My favorite move
is the shoulder shake.

My name is Joyce.
I'm 63 years young.

My favorite move is the Dougie.

I'm Liz. I'm 39,
for the third time,

and my favorite move
is sunset arms.

Hi, I'm Lewis.
I'm a grandfather

from the Dominican Republic,

and my favorite move
is the lift.

Sorry, Lewis.

Nice try, Liz.

Dance like nobody's watchin'!