1000 Ways to Die (2008–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - 1000 Ways to Die - full transcript

1000 Ways to Die looks at the following cases: "#316 Butt F***ed" a hospital patient suffering from burns accidentally sets his bandages on fire when having a cigarette, "#818 Frightmare" a woman with recurring nightmares dies of sudden unexpected death syndrome, "#97 Oprah Winfried" a death row inmate accidentally electrocutes himself when sitting on a metal toilet, "#412 Em-Bear-Assed" a man tripping on mushrooms encounters a furry orgy and gets mauled a bear, "#625 Midnight Choker" a man who chokes when he accidentally swallows a billiard ball, and "#269 Window Pained" a pepping tom who accidentally breaks his neck after he sticks his head into a window. It also looks at the crash of helicopter pilot Benjamin H. Moore and interviews him on how he survived.

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Death is flying in and it's

never been hotter, weirder, or

just wrong,

We've got a smoker who wound up

getting flamed,

a beautiful dreamer who

couldn't wake up,

A pool shark that's hard to

swallow,

Peeping perverts, the ultimate

late night snack,



And to top it off, freaks in

Animal suits doing the wild

thing,

If you're not breathing hard and

sweating after all of this,

check your pulse,

You might already be dead,

Death is everywhere,

Most of us try to avoid it,

Others can't get out of its way,

every day we fight a new war

against germs,

toxins,

injury,



illness,

and catastrophe,

There's a lot of ways to wind up

dead,

The fact that we survive at all

is a Miracle,

Because every day we live, we

face 1000 ways to die,

You wouldn't know it by looking

at him, but Myron burns is a

very lucky man,

A few weeks ago he was found

barely alive with third Degree

burns over 90% of his body,

He had fallen asleep while

smoking in bed,

I think we've all been around

people who... "I gotta have a

smoke, I gotta have a smoke,

I gotta have a smoke,"

They're not the most fun to be

around,

Are they gonna be making really

clear, focused decisions?

Probably not,

He bribed the night nurse 100

bucks to leave him out back, no

questions asked,

Okay, Mr, Burns, you have two

minutes,

Don't do anything stupid,

Once out of sight, Myron

produces a hidden cigarette,

His addiction to nicotine has

made him a desperate man,

Nicotine is a super toxin,

Three times deadlier than

arsenic and more lethal than

rattlesnake venom,

This cigarette is about to bite

Myron here right in the ash,

The cigarette ash carries just

enough of a spark to ignite his

bandages, which are soaked in

Highly flammable ointment,

Helpless, Myron bursts into

flame and starts rolling down

the handicap ramp,

at the bottom of the ramp,

his oxygen tank explodes,

Myron goes out in a blaze of

gory,

Fourth degree burn is a burn

that goes all the way through to

the bone,

That's really tragic,

I mean teeth are recognizable

maybe if you're lucky,

Dental records,

But the patient's complete

physiognomy is gone,

You can even have pulverizing of

the bone if it continues to

burn,

Hey, Buddy, got a light?

Alexi had the kind of looks Any

guy or Gal would kill for,

But she'd trade it all in for

something most take for granted:

A good night's sleep,

But every night she would have

the same nightmare,

A creature would appear and try

to suffocate her,

this type of recurring

nightmare is called SUNDS:

It involves a nocturnal visit of

an evil being that threatens to

press the very life out of the

dreamer,

Since 1977, more than 100 have

died from this mysterious sleep

disorder,

no,

If you were a fly on alexi's

wall, you would see the bizarre

sight of this beautiful woman,

alone in her bed, being

violently choked and thrashed

within an inch of her life,

But it was nothing but the

baddest of bad dreams,

No,

Unable to wake up, alexi was

being frightened to the point

where her heart was beating

erratically, a fatal condition

called cardiac arrhythmia,

the fiendish little person

sat on her chest, wrapped his

tiny little hands around her

throat, and squeezed with all

his might,

She died in her sleep,

Cause of death: Heart attack,

They say if you die in a dream,

you die for real,

If we could only ask alexi if

this were True,

But she never woke up from her

frightmare,

Maybe we should ask the dwarf,

next up, when nature calls,,,

get out of here, you freak!

No one gets out alive,

And Mr, Peepers goes for broke,

James "Little e" Johnson

was hardly what you would call a

model citizen,

Screw!

You about the ugliest damn guard

I ever seen in my life,

That's right, boy,

You gonna be hearing my voice

for the rest of your damn life,

Better pray they kill me,

on death row for seven counts

of murder,,,

you hear me?

It was days before His

scheduled execution in the

electric chair,

What's up with that daughter

of yours, man?

I'm feeling kind of lonely in

here,

Why don't you bring her on down?

Little e abused everyone in

his path, including his public

defender, Frank stone,

That's why when Frank dropped by

With some good news for his

client, he wasn't happy,

Look, I'm here to tell you

your sentence has been changed

to life without parole,

You got that, you scum?

Hey, Mr, Lawyer-Man, baby,

where you going?

That's good news,

Hey, bring your wife, man,

We could all celebrate,

Little e celebrated his luck by

indulging in his favorite cell

Watching oprahwhile

Sitting on his state-Issued

full-Metal crapper,

But he would soon learn that

Karma is less fickle than the

law,

son of a,,,

when little e grabbed the

frayed wire to fix the tv, he

accidentally turned his throne

into an electric chair,

I think this inmate that sat

on the metal seat has really set

him up to optimally conduct as

much Electricity through his

body as possible,

Something like 100 milliamps

that's put across the heart can

actually knock your heart out of

rhythm and cause you to have

sudden cardiac death,

Most certainly he died of a

cardiac arrhythmia,

The 110-Volt current Passing

through his skin and grounding

to the metal toilet seat was

more than enough to fry little

e,

The hot juice stopped his heart

cold,

The bottom LINE: Karma is a

bitch, and when she comes back

at you, there's no escape,

This is Randy,

He's out of his gourd,

He ate a handful of magic

mushrooms and now he's wandering

around the desert higher than a

Kite,

when this guy ate the

mushrooms, there was probably a

compound called psilocybin

present in them,

And your body converts that to

psilocin, which is actually

what's responsible for the

hallucinogenic effect,

He asked the bushes for an

answer, and got nothing,

I know,

He got in touch with his

inner dog and got dirty,

To anyone not tripping out on

mushrooms, Randy would appear to

be completely insane,

and then things got really

weird,

at the end of the day, Randy

came upon a group of fornicating

furries,

what's a furry?

People who like to put on animal

costumes and get together for

fun things like group sex,

A furry orgy is often known

as a fur pile,

We summon our spirit animals,

and whatever happens Next is

whatever, you know, naturally

will happen,

in Randy's state of mind, sex

seemed like a great idea,

The zebra looked kind of cute,

Hey, get your hands off of

me!

This Orgy was turning tricky,

Instead of a threesome with the

zebra and the cute Beaver, maybe

it was time to squeeze some

honey out of miss Bunny,

Yeah!

But the cock shooed Randy

away with his pecker,

He most likely wouldn't be

welcome if he was just any old

dude,

Especially if he was a dude,

It's just, like, who is this guy

who's coming into my kingdom?

Get outta here, you freak!

It looked like Randy would

get no love from the animal

kingdom, when all of a sudden,,,

there she was,

A sultry little furry in a

Teddy,

Randy knew he was about to get

smokey with mama bear,

It turns out Randy got freaky

with the wrong furry,

It was a real live bear, and it

wasn't into casual sex with a

human,

the bear looked at him as an

aggressor,

The bear took it as an attack,

not as a game,

Ah... Ah!

And once they're on top of

you with all four paws around

you, they'll just start biting

and start eating,

And the worst part about it is

normally they start eating

before you're dead,

Let's recap what we've

learned from Randy's gruesome

death,

This is your brain,

This is your brain on drugs,

and This is a bear ripping out

your throat after you try to

have sex with it while you were

high on drugs,

The lesson?

When nature calls, just say no,

coming up, choke turns to

croak when a barroom trick goes

bad,

Spit it out, man!

Spit it out!

And hot turns cold when a

perv gets too bold,

Aah!

Oh, my god!

Call 9-1-1!

9-1-1 won't be any help here,

a lot of guys have died on

barroom floors, But Sonny Hughes

checked out like no other,

Rack 'em up,

It was a typical night out for

this bunch of bikers and their

chicks,

Sonny had a reputation for being

the craziest dude on the street,

So when his homies started

calling out,,,

"Hey, Sonny!

Hey, Sonny!

Do the trick, brother!

Do the trick, man!"

even though it was dangerous,

Sonny couldn't say no,

Sonny! Sonny!

Certain people are more apt

to be risk takers, to be

aggressive, to be less hemmed in

by possible negative

consequences,

Sonny!

Yeah!

Sonny's trick was a real

crowd-Pleaser,

He'd take a pool ball, jam it in

his big mouth, and swallow it

halfway down his throat,

Using his throat muscles, he'd

roll the ball up and down his

gullet,

Oh!

Man!

Then he'd squeeze the pool

ball back up and out his mouth,

Yeah, Sonny!

you can swallow things

either all the way down in the

stomach or just hold them in the

back of your throat,

Oh!

It's a pretty cool thing but

it's really, really dangerous,

But he decided to go for

round two,

And this time he picked up the

cue ball,

Sonny!

Bad move, Sonny,

He got the ball down his throat,

why is it so low?

But when he tried to squeeze

it back up, that's when things

turned ugly,

Spit it out!

Somebody call 9-1-1!

Spit it out!

No matter how hard he tried,

Sonny was unable to force the

cue ball back up,

He's turning blue, man!

Sonny didn't realize on a

barroom pool table, the cue ball

is a little larger than the

others,

This allows it to be fed down a

return shoot after a scratch to

continue play,

When Sonny fed the larger cue

Ball down his shoot, it stayed

down,

He had performed This trick 100

times before,

Spit it out!

He died without ever finding

out why this time it didn't

work,

Sonny, get up!

Hey, norm, call 9-1-1!

there's nothing like a full

moon to bring out the freaks,

Say hello to Arnold Moss,

When Arnold freaks, he peeps

into windows,

Oh,

Something about looking in on

a girl while you're masturbating

that is better than a sexual

experience, I guess, for me,

I don't know why,

It seems like the climax will be

faster,

Arnold couldn't believe his

luck,

He had never seen anyone make

love to a refrigerator before,

Ohh!

Best way to enjoy that, you'd

have to be able to be

masturbating for me,

Oh, my God,

You'd want to be

masturbating, but you don't want

to be caught,

You don't want some neighbor

yelling "Hey, what are you

doing?"

so you gotta try to hide,

You gotta be in good view,

You know you want to get a good

shot of that and try not to make

any noise so she doesn't hear

you,

During the day, Arnold was an

introverted wimp,

He would never have the guts to

go up to a woman this hot,

Oh,

But tonight, he wasthe

popsicle,

Oh, yeah,

Arnold was so aroused, he

broke the number one rule for a

peeping PERV: Stay outside the

window,

Best day of my life,

But he had lost control,

He leaned in too far,

Susu went cuckoo,

Aah!

And it all came crashing

down,,,

right on Arnold's pencil-Thin

neck,

In the heat of the moment, his

elbow jerked back, knocking out

a stake holding up the window,

The window came down and severed

his spinal cord Between Discs

c2 and c3,

This is where nerves go out to

control basic body functions

such as breathing and blood

pressure,

When this connection was broken,

death was instantaneous,

Arnold finally learned his

lesson,

It's not cool to peep on people,

You're breaking the law,

And like Arnold here,,,

aah!

Your neck,

up next, a pilot's life comes

Crashing down when his chopper

goes from flying,,,

Oh, my god, my god!

To falling,

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

A helicopter is basically a

flying gearbox,

If any one of the components

fail, it plunges to the ground,

killing all on board,

That's what happened to

helicopter pilot Ben Moore while

lifting a 7,000-Pound air

conditioner,

Ben, in front of his friends and

coworkers, then plunged

head-first to a certain death,

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Grandpa, you stay here,

I had a feeling...

A feeling...

I'm recording,

I'm recording,

But fate had a different plan

for Ben Moore,

Against all odds, he lived to

tell the tail of the crash that

should've killed him,

Well our mission that day was

that I was going to change out a

cooling tower,

And just as I began to get about

even with the building, uh,

is when I heard the loud bang,

um, and a thump,

The drive shaft to the tail

rotor snaps, and Ben's

helicopter begins to spin out of

control,

He immediately jettisons the

heavy load,

I tried to maneuver over to

our prearranged emergency

landing spot,

The only way to land a

helicopter with a broken tail

rotor is to shut down the engine

to stop it from spinning out of

control,

It's called a hovering

autorotation,

Basically, take the engines

out, and then use whatever

inertia is left in those blades

to act as a cushion,

The pilot only gets one

chance,

Just before impact, he must yank

his controls to produce maximum

Lift from his flailing rotors,

I probably started the

maneuver about 50 feet too high,

So at about 40 feet, I ran out

of rpm and all those options

that I wanted to do,

And at that point I said to

myself, "Well, this is death,"

Oh!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

When I hit, the helmet I'm

wearing, goggles and everything,

take the impact,

Had a really nasty cut on my

nose,

I actually flayed it open,

Ben's helicopter plunged

face first,

Nobody who witnessed the

incident believed that anyone

would survive this kind of

impact,

For whatever reason, the lord

decided that that wasn't my day,

It certainly wasn't up to me at

that point,

Ben Moore is living proof

death doesn't want you,,,

Oh, my god!

Unless it's your time to die,

it's original,